Home > Abusive relationships, Borderline Personality Disorder > 13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist

13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist


BPD-1My girlfriend / wife doesn’t have a personality disorder. She’s just emotional. Maybe, maybe not. Borderline Personality Disorder isn’t as mainstream in public awareness as other psychiatric diagnoses, but it’s a very real problem that affects many individuals and the people who are in ongoing relationships with them or trying to end relationships with them.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a kissing cousin of BPD. There is usually some overlap between the two. Most people think being a narcissist means that you’re conceited or vain–there’s a lot more to it.

Men are typically accused of being insensitive and out of touch with their feelings. We rarely talk about women who emotionally abuse the men they claim to love. There are different reasons why this is a silent epidemic:

a) Society and psychology hold a reverse sexist attitude regarding the perpetrators and recipients of emotional abuse.

b) Men have been brainwashed into believing that “she’s just expressing her feelings” when she’s being abusive and that “he’s insensitive and doesn’t understand.” Unfortunately, many mental health professionals perpetuate this phenomenon through their own gender biases. Should these men enter into couples treatment, they often get tag teamed by their girlfriend/wife and the therapist into believing they’re the problem. Should this couple actually find a shrink worth his/her salt that tries to hold the Borderline/Narcissist accountable, said shrink is duly fired and vilified by the BPD/NPD.

c) Men are too embarrassed to talk about the hurt, pain and confusion they experience as a result of the way these women mistreat them.

Warning: Being involved with an abusive Borderline or Narcissist May Be Hazardous to Your Mental Health

Here are some common side effects of being in an abusive relationship, whether the abusive individual has a personality disorder or not:

1) Censoring your thoughts and feelings. You edit it yourself because you’re afraid of her reactions. Swallowing the lump in your throat and your hurt and anger is easier than dealing with another fight or hurt feelings. In fact, you may have stuffed your own emotions for so long that you no longer know what you think or feel.

2) Everything is your fault. You’re blamed for everything that goes wrong in the relationship and in general, even if it has no basis in reality.

3) Constant criticism. She criticizes nearly everything you do and nothing is ever good enough. No matter how hard you try, there’s no pleasing her or, if you do, it’s few and far between.

4) Control freak. She engages in manipulative behaviors, even lying, in an effort to control you.

3186177287_1423ed4f22_o5) Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde. One moment she’s kind and loving; the next she’s flipping out on you. She becomes so vicious, you wonder if she’s the same person. The first time it happens, you write it off. Now, it’s a regular pattern of behavior that induces feelings of depression, anxiety, helplessness and/or despair within you.

6) Your feelings don’t count. Your needs and feelings, if you’re brave enough to express them, are ignored, ridiculed, minimized and/or dismissed. You’re told that you’re too demanding, that there’s something wrong with you and that you need to be in therapy. You’re denied the right to your feelings.

7) Questioning your own sanity. You’ve begun to wonder if you’re crazy because she puts down your point of view and/or denies things she says or does. If you actually confide these things to a friend or family member, they don’t believe you because she usually behaves herself around other people.

8) Say what? “But I didn’t say that. I didn’t do that.” Sure you did. Well, you did in her highly distorted version of reality. Her accusations run the gamut from infidelity to cruelty to being un-supportive (even when you’re the one paying all the bills) to repressing her and holding her back. It’s usually baseless, which leaves you feeling defensive and misunderstood.

9) Isolating yourself from friends and family. You distance yourself from your loved ones and colleagues because of her erratic behavior, moodiness and instability. You make excuses for her inexcusable behaviors to others in an effort to convince yourself that it’s normal.

10) Walking on landmines. One misstep and you could set her off. Some people refer to this as “walking on eggshells,” but eggs emit only a dull crunch when you step on them. Setting off a landmine is a far more descriptive simile.

11) What goes up, must come down. She places you on a pedestal only to knock it out from under your feet. You’re the greatest thing since sliced bread one minute and the next minute, you’re the devil incarnate.

12) Un-level playing field. Borderlines and Narcissists make the rules; they break the rules and they change the rules at will. Just when you think you’ve figured out how to give her what she wants, she changes her expectations and demands without warning. This sets you up for failure in no-win situations, leaving you feeling helpless and trapped.

13) You’re a loser, but don’t leave me. “You’re a jerk. You’re a creep. You’re a bastard. I love you. Don’t leave me.” When you finally reach the point where you just can’t take it anymore, the tears, bargaining and threats begin. She insists she really does love you. She can’t live without you. She promises to change. She promises it will get better, but things never change and they never get better.

When that doesn’t work, she blames you and anything and anyone else she can think of, never once taking responsibility for her own behaviors. She may even resort to threats. She threatens that you’ll never see the kids again. Or she threatens to bad mouth you to your friends and family.

Tomorrow, I’ll post a follow-up blog in which I explain why this emotional abuse and what you can do about it.

by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

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Related posts:

Photo credits:

BPD-1 byPushkia on flickr.

Spin-the-mood-wheel by MashGet on flickr.

  1. Garrett
    March 31, 2010 at 7:05 am

    “Tomorrow, I’ll post a follow-up blog in which I explain why this emotional abuse and what you can do about it.

    by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD”

    Dr. Palmatier, where can I find the follow-up article? I am a 41yr old male going through a divorce from a woman who you describe almost dead-on. I kept saying, “Holy Cow” throughout the article because of the accuracy of description. Since we have children, where can I find article(s) you’ve written on how to communicate with a BPD/NPD person. She will go to her grave calling me evil, while she’s the angel, with all her Facebook friends validating her feelings. If only they knew…

    • Lighthouse
      March 31, 2010 at 1:34 pm

      The problem is not that they validate her feelings, it is just that your (soon to be) ex- doesn’t know what to do with her feelings after that, i.e. attribute blame to herself for setting unfair expectations (perspective of entitlement) or you for failing to follow through with your words (be trustworthy).

      That said, you’ll never get her to admit it so instead focus on what you CAN control – establishing your own support network so your self-worth no longer ‘feels’ like it is dependent upon her or her friends perception of you.

      All the best,

      Lighthouse

  2. Kris
    March 16, 2010 at 2:31 am

    God I really feel the pain and confusion and the frustration from all of you. I am a woman, who was/is involved with a npd and has just about drained the life out of me. These women are “crazymakers” who will have you second guessing your sanity. I wish I would have paid attention the earlier signs. I am trying to get away from my npd ex and it is the most exhausting thing I have ever gone through. She will text me she can’t live w out me, then pour on the honey, then if I don’t respond i’m a every disgusting name in the book. this woman has a rage problem like I have never seen. I just want to say I am trying to take the advice that has been reptitive and that is no contact. They want to rope you in by playing the victim, the thing they will accuse you of. When you disagree or god forbid just have a different opinion the explosive anger that comes at you is just plain vicious. You’re always wrong and the problem. I have gone over in my head a million times what the hell did I do? It is a useless battle and as much as there may have been love there, it will cost you your sanity and the confidence and self esteem you most likely had before you got involved. Ughhhhh. What a battle. I am so thankful for all of you men sharing. Thank you for listening. Sharing your experience and knowing you’re not a kook helps. Blessings to you all. kristine

  3. Knowsis
    March 13, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    Aaaaahhh! That’s me breathing a sigh of relief after reading through this site. I’ve known about Borderline behavior for a long time (read the book ‘walking on egg shells out of desperation a few years back and am a former Social Worker who had dealth with these people on a professional level – not interpersonal – HUGE difference!), but I wasn’t sure how many people were dealing with this in their relationships.

    I’m thoroughly convinced that the reason this issue is talked about so little, is that these people are professional chameleons. My wife is insane. She is a walking contradiction and ‘hypocrite’ is her middle name. Nothing is consistent with her. Her attitude, opinions and feelings fluctuate like the wind with no noticeable reason for the change. I’m never good enough for her in any capacity. I make over 10K a month, have a PhD, am a published author, run a successful business, dote on her with flowers, cards, back rubs, etc. and nothing is ever good enough. She complains like most people breathe…ALL the time. And the negativity!!!! Holy #*@&!!!

    I’m sorry other people are going through the same kinds of things, but it makes me feel better knowing that I’m definitely NOT alone in this ‘quiet epidemic’. The problem is, I cannot explain it adequately to anyone in our (very small) social circle, including friends and family, because she acts fine in public. I’m afraid they would think that I’M the crazy one. So I, like many others, live a life of quiet desperation, looking for a way out, and thinking of how I will mitigate the pain of separation, even though it will be the healthy thing to do.

    I have to say something here that will probably be taken with contempt by the women here, but I’ve got to say it. In my years as a Counselor and Social Worker, I dealth with all kinds of issues. BPD was just one issue, but I’ve got to tell you, the Borderlines I dealt with were women. All of them. I know there are men who are Borderline as well, but in my professional and personal experience, those who display Borderline characteristics are by far, women.

    I have known more women who are hypocritical, deceitful, unfair, emasculating, hostile, hystrionic, overly dramatic, argumentative and plain old ‘mean’ than ANY man I’ve ever known. It’s just a fact. The lengths to which these women will go and the intensity of their maladaptive behavior that undermines a good man’s intentions, far exceed anything I’ve ever seen consistently, in the ‘male’ world. Furthermore, I don’t see these women’s destructive behavior displayed toward ‘other’ women. It’s as if they have an intense, underlying hatred toward men. I mean a ‘serious’ hatred.

    My wife’s mother HATES men and treats her husband like a dog. My wife’s daughters do the same thing to their 2 husbands and my wife does the same to me. That being said, I have also known many (dozens?) of other women who are just mean as hell to their men. They are extraordinarily disrespectful, are very rebellious, defiant and speak to their men like a piece of S#*t. I know that there are men that can be mean, that is no secret, but I am thoroughly convinced at this point, that when we see this behavior in men, it is either a latent or immediate response that has been provoked by a woman of this type. In other words, I don’t think this behavior is ‘typically’ naturally-occurring in men, but rather the result of having been in some kind of interpersonal relationship with a woman who displays this kind of ‘maddening’ behavior.

    Lastly on the issue, I personally believe that this is a genetic issue in these women that is ONLY exacerbated by abuse. I do not believe a woman becomes this way ‘because’ of abuse, but that the issue is there, within her genetics, and it is brought out or ‘fomented’ by the abuse. We all have genetic predispositions to maladaptive and destructive behavior, I believe, but abuse does not always trigger ongoing, destructive behavior in people.

    Bottom line, I think women need to be aware that they have this potential within them, for whatever reason, and need to understand that ‘when Mama’s happy, everybody’s happy’. The woman has the power to make or break her man, her family or herself, because she is a vessel that is more susceptible to the negative energy that wants to consume her and those around her. Knowing this fact I think will go a long way in protecting her emotions and preserving the mental health and relationships of those she loves.

    • Dino
      August 22, 2014 at 11:15 am

      I agree there are some general tendencies, seemingly epidemic, amongst women regarding some dysfunctional patterns, pertaining to mainly women. One could see this as being the result of

      1) Some collective view shared amongst women and passed along through the generations: A view as being victims, a need to revenge it and hate men though today that vengeance is not justified at all. They are not slaves being raped by some proprietary and having to accept such suppression.

      2) WOmen today fighting with men about power but not having been brought up with the adequate sense of responsibility, under here the importance in not destroying the “enemies” but respecting them as well.

      Often women are being brought up as little beautiful dolls and kept out of the man world. Then they are suddenly given a lot of power and discover how their sexuality and seductive power can be abused to win. I see that all the time.

      I have often wondered if not the society is “breeding” those Sociopaths/Borderlines/Narcissists who shun no sadistic means to win over men who don’t serve their ego well, such as for example a man who doesn’t submit himself and allows himself to be a stupid tool in her self engulfing need to feel pretty, powerful and attractive.

      THose women utilise the fact that many men are fools and THINK that this game is something they HAVE to submit to and go along with because they have been raised to believe women are like that and in some bizarre way believe THAT to be sexy and then let those irresponsible power seeking women run everything while crushing and disrespecting every man around them that doesn’t fit into their self hightening world, illusory world of superiority, highly catalyzed by a lack of responsible upbringing, the society’s demonstration of beauty, arroganzy and such traits as being feminine.

      3) The high amount of divorces, again springing as a despicable collateral waste product from womens fight to be equal, lead by highly feministic, manly pibe smoking women who are more interested in appearing men than accepting themselves as women, but causing society to go in that directing by misleading them and playing on the collective view of women as being victims and having been abused.

      4) This all makes sense to the daughter being brought up, hearing those victim stories and often from a separated “liberated ” but bitter mother who hates the ex husband and other men and accuses him of it all and, then teaches her daugther to become a man hating tough, egoic woman who doesn’t need those sex animals to be happy. This is one of my suggestions as to the higly visible lack of respect of men who don’t serve some egoic purpose to the women or perhaps doesn’t show enough submissal jar dropping interest in her which can higly fuel anger amongst such self centered creatures. Many men are also brought up to be self centered and highly compete within the territory that earlier belonged mainly to women. Perhaps this increases some subconscious change amongst women to undergo a mental sex transformation and exhibit manly traits while lacking the upbringing to be responsible as men. Instead they make war when they can because they are just determined to win, not be fair.

      5) ….fill in your suggestions

      • Dino
        August 23, 2014 at 9:53 am

        5) Medias and film. The whole entertainment industry has been misguiding and brainwashing people for too long now. People including those women in question need to wake up and understand that the medias do not represent the truth.

        THey represent what the medias cold and cynically believe creates the most cash and then they sell and exaggerate that subjective view on the world which is where the major part of teaching and bringing up the children origins. Even more so since the parents are too busy, self centered (the modern desease), have been brainwashed into believing that rushing and stressing and working for the mere sake of working is what life is about.

        This leaves many children and their parents isolated from each other. Did they get children as a kind of symbol of prestige, or because others get them? What is the whole point if no true love is shared between parents and children.

        Instead those children learn from a degenerated modern perception of life. For instance just watch films from 30-40 years ago and notice the difference and the moral implicit in story telling. As one danish comedian said 25 years ago: To watch tv is like sticking ones brain into a tumble dryer.

        It’s not more true to show and emphasize the akward and dysfunctional lifes and scenarios from life. It’s completely wrong since the medias and films, and games have such a major impact on children, and adults today. Children are not selective. They absorb whatever they are presented with of info.

        The result is that the last generations have been – and are being told that life is about being proud and think only about oneself, focus on getting rich and outcompete everybody else, confuse sex with true love and responsibility and then later divorce, cheat on ones boy-/girlfriend with his/her best friend (simply because it just happened and one was drunk and it was the other one’s fault, or we just grow apart and I felt lonely or this or that sick argument for lack of responsibility which the medias are teaching us is the norm today).

        This we see reflected in the dysfunctionalities of humans today, like an epidemy. Ask yourself why this phenomenon is so widespread and the answer is very much and principally related to the globalisation having been facilitated to a high extent by tv and the international trade, which basically has worked – and works as a transmitting medium for the virus that dysfunctional behaviour and thinking is.

        The dysfunctionality is so widespread that normal healthy thinking has almost been replaced by a main stream dysfunctional thinking and this is being conveyed trough films and other medias and shared on social medias making those sick arguments seem even more credible to the youngsters, who compete about being the most hip, fashionable upbeat ones, therefore swallowing everything raw, while believing this is life.

        NO IT’S AN INDUSTRY FOOLING PEOPLE AND THE ALPHA TRANSMITTERS ARE OFTEN YOUNG THEMSELVES. Furthermore the elder more experienced ones are too afraid and brainwashed to maintain old deeds and a moral loving sense of interaction, often fearing to be bullied and expelled by the young rich and powerful society.

        The only rescue is to take a major step out from that dysfunctional fog of misinformation and wrong upbringing, provided/conveyed by the monotonous negative medias and commercialistic medias.

        6) Think another reason ….

      • Dino
        August 23, 2014 at 10:12 am

        Correction of point 4) which should have said (correction in capital letters)”……Perhaps this increases some subconscious change amongst women to undergo a mental sex transformation and exhibit manly traits while lacking the upbringing to be responsible as men OUGHT TO BE. “

  4. Doug
    March 1, 2010 at 10:48 pm

    Thank you to everyone for sharing. I find BPD a particularly cruel affliction. Here’s why
    The most disconcerting (to me) problem everyone comments on is inability of persons with BPD to see their ”demon”.
    Many people with a “mental” or “brain” glitch are able to see it in themselves. I have always been open to therapy. When bi-polar was finally revealed in my family I voluntarily went to get myself checked out.
    Time and time again, persons with OBVIOUS symptoms of BPD will not, ever ever, consider that they are the cause of this horrible, cruel, barbaric and inhumane human circumstance. It is no more the “fault” of a BPD afflicted person as it is the “fault” of a brain injured person about being violent. I got news for everybody on this blog. They are not “bad” people. They are just “totally helpless”. I predict that in the future we will find that there is a part of the brain that controls this behaviour, and that part is underdeveloped, damaged or lacks the control mechanism to keep their emotions in check.
    There have been some recent developments on treatment. They are a little promising but 99% of those afflicted remain afflicted.
    As of right now brain cancer carries a grim prognosis, pancreatic cancer carries a grim prognosis and BPD affliction carries a grim prognosis. Are we so sure these are bad people? My ex was “driven” by an uncontrolled urge to spew suffering. It happened every few days for 22 years with me. It still continues with our daughter. She cannot “see” the damage she causes in others just to “satiate” herself.
    She is “out of it” during her anger bouts. She foams in the corners of her mouth when she spews abuse. She cannot remember why she was so angry the previous day. She is “self stimulating” for an “addictive” type brain response science has not yet identified.
    BPD afflicted persons are definitely driven to do what they do. They are tireless and relentless in their mental cruelty. They are a fortress of “don’t ever think there is anything wrong with me” to others.
    As for myself, I would like to think that I use my intelligence (and the net) to get a better handle on what’s happened. Without empathy, I am no better than this damnable sickness.
    Hopefully, with brain studies, we’ll find a way for the BPD people to “see” their demon. When we do, then we won’t have to leave the people who dread “abandonment” more than anything on earth. Until then be kind to yourself.

    • Ashley
      March 11, 2010 at 11:43 am

      Thank you very much for your understanding words. I have spent the last 13 years of my life knowing there was something very wrong with me, and being told that I suffered from depression. I tried several anti-depressants, and most of them made me into somewhat of a zombie, or very irritable, and little else. In the last two years, doctors have chalked me up to a mix of depression and anxiety, but that still hasn’t quite fit.

      In the past few days I have been reading information about BPD online, and I am nearly positive that this is what I suffer from. I wasn’t ‘abused’ in a typical sense as a child, but my mother is an alcoholic, recently my father was diagnosed as bipolar, and my younger brother has had his own anger issues that he often took out violently on me.

      I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly three and a half years now, and have lived with him for basically 3 of those years. Relatively soon after moving in together, I started having major moments of depression, that would spiral into rage-fueled attacks on him, and myself. It has been bad enough that we were evicted from an apartment last year after the cops were called because our neighbors thought he was domestically abusing me. It is incredibly embarrassing to write this out, but I think honesty is a key to my recovery. I love him very much, and began looking for what my problem could be solely to save him. I see myself just breaking him down, and it leads to more and more severe self-loathing. I know how terrible and irrational my behavior is, even a little bit when I’m having an ‘episode,’ but at that time when I tell myself to calm down or that its ok, another part of me is furious for listening to the stupid idiot that I consider myself to be. The one possibly positive thing that I have gleaned from this research is that I am more of an inwardly-directed BPD person (again, I have not been officially diagnosed, but am very sure.) The rage directed towards my SO is more because they have become so close to me that it is sometimes hard to even think of us as two different people.

      • shrink4men
        March 11, 2010 at 4:44 pm

        Hi Ashley,

        I commend you for recognizing these behaviors in yourself. Many individuals can’t hold up the mirror to themselves and instead blame others and continue to cause damage. If you believe you might have BPD, I encourage you to find a therapist who specializes in this area, specifically a Dialectical Behavior Therapist, and begin treatment. This isn’t something a person can work on alone.

        This link may be helpful to find a practitioner in your area: http://www.behavioraltech.com/resources/crd.cfm

        Kind Regards,
        Dr Tara

    • Dino
      August 26, 2014 at 2:42 pm

      I rather feal that there is some evil power, such as demons, helpers of the Devil, that cause such change in the brain functionality. I think such evilness ought to be cured at the root cause. Mine also spit, pulled her own hair out sometimes already within months of knowing her and looked like a posessed person.

      She changed the outer appearance through our 9 years together in line with me changing for the worse, to become a completely different person than I was before, full of post traumatic stress symptoms and fighting to be accepted and loved. I know her change was external and caused by an adaptation to the danish culture where popularity is gained by not saying much and playing victim which she has refined to fit with that market. She often had that self satisfied smirk on her face when seeing me loose my self control and be stressed and irritated, but often also playing a victim, a role she developed but initiated from the start, only focusing on gaining evidence, as her only goal in our relationship, causing me to beome a sad introvert, insecure, fearful (from being left again), irritated, defensive, tough appearing (thuogh it was only a facade in order to not allow her to always feel superior and patronizing to me), isolated, stressed, drinking to escape etc. etc. I guess I am a codependent.

      Before meeting her and still today but interrupted to an increasing degree by post traumatic stress outbursts (going down emotionally and having pain in all my body from stress), I was always kind, calm, speaking calmly, very popular including in politics and never fought or discussed with anybody (a small irritated outbrek lasting 20 seconds in a friendly relationship throughout 30 years). Regarding my ex wife through 9 years I always focused on loving and forgiving and not on judging or putting her in a bad light.

      However the amount and degree of evilness she has excerted me to, in a calculated cynical way (the sociophatic side I guess), ignoring the truth right in front of her, that is what evilness is about. I have been completely innocent and with the best intentions. I have forgiven her again and again and held a mirror up in front of her, of course only to be hated the more. Eckhart Tolle modifies the word evilness and calls it to be unconsciouss. My theory is that unsconsciousness is the darkness in which the devil operates?

  5. Mellaril
    March 1, 2010 at 5:26 pm

    I did some looking into the subject and came across the book, “Short-Term Therapy for Long-Term Change.” Chapter 6 is very interesting.

    http://www.lifespanlearn.org/documents/MaritalCollusion.pdf

    My ex-gf fell into the “Narcissitic/Masochist” column.

  6. Dan
    March 1, 2010 at 12:31 am

    Help, I just found this site and many things ring true to me as I read thru the threads. I believe my wife is BPD/NPD, just can’t prove it or don’t know for sure.
    My dilema, I lost my job and have been unable to find another. My wife is the primary wage earner and carries the benefits. We have 2 girls 9 and 13. 1 year ago she was arrested for DUI and child endangerment. She was 3x the legal limit, I have dealt with some irrational behaviors and crazy comments from her. She even blamed me for her getting arrested. Have had to deal with the aftermath of the arrest also. I feel stuck, but want to get out. I feel bound to her for the kids, financially since haven’t been able to find a job and have a couple of health issues. Does anybody have ideas on what to do.

    • jp
      March 1, 2010 at 10:43 pm

      Dan,

      You’re in tough spot, but you have one thing working for you (I assume): she doesn’t know you want out.

      The first thing you need to do is prepare mentally. If you’re serious about leaving and want to reclaim your life you need to begin to think of her as an opponent and not as someone you can separate amicably from. (It may be that you can, but don’t assume or attempt it.) Why? Because you need to become like a ninja, operating in stealth mode and preparing your departure and divorce without her knoweldge in order to give you the advantage you’ll need to prevail in the courts which are stacked against men.

      Succes sin divorce is all about homework. Even if you get a lawyer you have to take the lead. Become the best informed client he/she ever had and control your destiny from a position of strength. If you’re broke and can’t afford an attorney and plan on representing yourself (not advised but people do it) then you need to become even more expert on the laws and procudures in your state.

      First, I would go to DadsDivorce.com. They have a fantastic forum there full of guys who have been through it all or are divorcing now and you will not believe the kind of information, support and spine-stiffening you’ll find there.

      Most of all read the sticky post there called “The List” under the “Before and During” forum. It will tell you everything you need to know at this stage of the process…what to do, what not to do, etc. Be advised, you mwy be taken aback at how cold some of the advice may appear to be, but if you want to come out of this thing with your money and custody of (or at least equal access to) your children you should follow the advice. The courts are stacked against men and if you play nice you will be burnt. For now forget about your tender feelings, forget about equality, forget about Free to Be You and Me…it’s silent, deadly war.

      For now, keep your own counsel…don’t tell her you’re thinking of leaving her or otherwise telegraph your moves. Ideally you will prepare your case thoroughly and in secret, then from the day you initiate the divorce, you should be setting the tempo and terms of what follows.

      I just finalized my divorce and nearly every move I made that seemed reasonable and equality-based backfired. I wish I’d discovered that site–and this one–before it started. Now I’m an indentured servant, giving up 40% of my take home pay every month (mind you don’t you get laid off or quit that job!) and getting my beautiful girls 25% of the time, too poor to fight in court for equal time.

      Good luck.
      JP

  7. George
    February 25, 2010 at 1:18 am

    This is a very informative blog post, it is very clear and consise, but can someone clarify what “reverse sexist” means, as taken littaraly it means treating the sexes equally, but that is not what the context sugests

  8. ivy81
    February 24, 2010 at 3:04 pm

    I am BPD person and I cut people out “just like that” in the sense I am not a stalker. I may try to contact a person after some time after the break up (i am in touch with my two ex-bfs and one ex-gf)but if she/he doesn’t like it I’ll pass.

    I am wrting this to let you know that she may still have BPD despite cutting you off quickly and not wanting you back.

  9. Wayne
    February 21, 2010 at 5:10 pm

    the only one thing that don’t seem to resemble is the bit that say people with BPD wont let you leave and will try and keep you etc, for my Ex she was happy to kick me into touch and even told me to delete her no as she wanted no more contact and wanted to get on with her life.. It certainly makes me wonder what i did that was so bad she wanted to cut me out like that..

  10. Wayne
    February 20, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    I need some guidence,

    After reading the 13 quotes about having a GF with a personality dissorder i realise it describes my EX and her actions down to a T..

    We have been split up now for 3 months and for my sins i still love her and miss her, back in the days of the relationship i picked up thing’s mentioned in quotes but never realised why she was like that, and even now i’m still sitting around feeling devestated that a girl that bigged me up so highly and praised me so much suddenly ran out on me and cut me out of her life dead. her parting comments the day we split up were that i had a problem beeing moody, negative and nagging her which iv always tried to explian to her were actions of her behaviour but still she blames me..

    I find my self making excuses for her and trying to blame my self and work out why she changed. she was really polite when we first met and i oftern said to her i want the old gemma back to which she would get anoyed and say she wasn’t making me happy etc..

    thing is i really wanted to stay with her and work threw this together, she doesnt or hasn’t even aknoledged she has a fault she think’s every one else is at fault and gets bored and anoyed with people.

    her opinion of me is so low now because i pointed out she may have a problem and i also chased her weekly to try and get her to give us another chance, so not only do i look needy and desperate she even see’s me as harasing her to.. why do she see me as the enemy?

    when we split up. she said she feels deflated and that her spark is gone and that she was walking on egg shells around me, there were times i had to stick up for my self when her behaviour was dissrespectfull or abusive….

    i guess my question is, if i leave her alone is she ever likely to realise what she has lost and come find me? i have no other choice but despite her faults i do genuinly love her and would do any thing for her…

    my world and life is crushed i’m living in a world of hurt..

    • Mellaril
      February 20, 2010 at 4:11 pm

      You’ve come to the right place. Most of us who’ve posted have been there. The good news is you’re starting to see what went on. The bad news is it’s going to hurt until you’ve worked through it. The many blogs on this site will give you what you need to start. Trust me, it can be overwhelming. It’s truly like peeling an onion, you’ll find layer after layer. When I was involved with one, I knew in my head that it wasn’t my fault but still carried a sense of failure with me for a long time, even after I moved on. It will get better if you let it.

  11. Michael
    February 15, 2010 at 7:04 am

    Mine sent me a text the other day
    “11 years of blood sweat and tears, what a kick in the guts that was”
    (my daughter has semi broken off contact with her step-mum)
    If i’m no longer mum to her, then i am not her step-mother
    She followed her rant up with “goodbye”
    (but sent my daughter a text 1 min later saying how much she loved her)
    Since then my daughter’s mum has had an email saying i was physically and verbally abusive to both my ex and T. (which has been disproved on both accounts)
    So Mellaril, i am with you on the dirty tricks campaign.
    The latest from her today was after i sent a text suggesting she and my daughter might like to have a meeting in a public playground or something as a first off meeting. My ex partner’s reply was “very sporting of us both, i will let you know”

  12. JettyJockey
    February 11, 2010 at 8:05 pm

    Wow,
    I am in the very beginning stages of separating from my wife of 21 years. I can answer “yes” to 10 of the 13 signs my wife is a BP or Narcissist.

    My pain and threshold for the emotional pain she has caused me came to a head in November. We have two children, boy and girl, both in their teens. She is begging me to stay in the relationship and has admitted to treating me horribly. She now says the “crazy person” is in the past and the only reason she treated me that way was I didn’t provide her enough “hugs and kisses” and that caused her to be resentful. Then to find out, her need for this attention resulted from a previous boyfriend before we started dating. She questioned early in our marriage whether she made a mistake marrying me as he was more intimate than me.
    Admittly, I am not overly affectionate, but I am very loving and did everything I could to please her. Of course, when I tried to be affectionate, I was told I was doing it wrong or the only reason I am giving her hugs is she asked for them.
    She has tortured me beyond belief, to a point I lost touch with myself.

    I am finally emerging from a “fog”, but I am extremely fearful how our separation (one that she does not want) will affect our children. I cannot stand the thought of hurting our children or risking they will blame me for the break-up. This is standing in my way of making the final break.

    • Mellaril
      February 11, 2010 at 10:32 pm

      The good news is you are beginning to emerge from the fog. If you haven’t seen read them yet, look at the other blogs on the site. My guess is they will pretty accurately cover what you’ve been dealing with. The bad news is neither decision will be easy and both will cause pain in some form or another. Once you have a good understanding of what’s been happening and how it will play out, you will be in a better position to make the decision. Knowledge is power.

      Kids aren’t stupid. They’ve had more than ample time to see the dynamics played out over the years. She will attempt to use them as pawns and turn them against you. Depending on how extreme she is, she may accuse you of molesting them. Once she’s convinced you’re really leaving, she may adopt a “scorched earth” policy so plan things like changing direct deposit and putting things like birth certificates a safe place in advance. Aftet all, she gave you the “the best years of her life” and this is how you repaid her? Everything but the kitchen sink will likely come your way and the only reason it’s not is she probably cant pry it loose. It sounds like she had control for a long time. She will not respond well to losing it.

      Conversely, if you do decide to stick it out, knowing what you’re up against will help a lot. There are other blogs on ths site for living with one of these people. You may be able to stick it out but to what purpose and it will never get better. People can live with adversity, uncertainty is what drive people nuts.

  13. redevil
    January 29, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    I have 1-12 all happening to me since a couple of years …13 not yet .. I never knew anything called as BPD/NPD until last nite and i am kinda shocked .. I end up doing so many things to get things right or make her feel good ..in the end its never enough and there is always another reason..how do i feel good .she has no answer to that probably. I spoke to her last night, that she is suffering cos of her past, childhood which i know was abusive in nature and i have told her that you need to see a therapist cos you are not letting your past go.. its all inside you and you are not opening up to me. She knows she has a problem, she told me its very difficult and she cannot let it go or forget. The problem she can never be initimate ..intimacy levels = a big zero ..Its like her soul is chained in a dark room and she cant get out ..
    I have been reading about BPD .. it says woman suffering from BPD like to have sex or they enjoy it .. In my case it absolutely the opposite..she seems to hate sex ..she dosent wannna do it at all ..I would say my sex life has been absolutely pathetic with her ..while my ex gf’s never had the problem getting intimate at all..she on the other hand hates to kiss/smooch…. Do you think this is because of the abusive childhood or is it cos of BPD … And sex was always a issue ..we are 26 and she has absolutely no drive ..we decide that today we have sex and then comes all the possible reason for not doing ..this happens again and again .. Now can someone tell me which guy wouldn’t get frustrated and show his frustration. The one reason which is common you nag so you dont get it and if you dont nag you would have had sex ..you should be good etc ..while the whole week all i have been doing is being super good , doing all the crap and being a darling to her but in the end its same old reason .. There is an extent to which you could do stuff and after it i have to vent out my anger and frustration..

    IT would be good to know from people who have had the same issue, who were with such woman for a long time ..did you guys have the sex issues or is it me who is doing something wrong cos for now i have no answer what else can i do…Did she ever initiate sex, did she want to do it ..do u guys had to literally plan it out…etc

    Also is it cos of the abusive childhood she hates doing it and being loved or touched or is it cos of BPD ..

    • Mr. E
      January 29, 2010 at 2:58 pm

      An incompatible sex drive is reason enough to get out of a relationship. Sex is important!!! Somewhere out there is a man who is just DYING to not have sex with her. Let him have her while you go find someone compatible with YOU.

      You aren’t doing anything wrong – SHE just won’t let you be “right.”

      According to your comment on another post, she HAS done #13. She’s been cold and nasty to you and told you to leave, but when you’re actually going to leave she INSISTS you stay in touch? That’s craziness, buddy. Think about it, if you couldn’t stand someone, would you insist they come over every weekend? No? If you liked somebody, would you act cold and critical towards them? No?

      That’s because you aren’t nuts. You can’t fix her. Get out of her way, and get on with your own life.

  14. kim
    January 27, 2010 at 9:37 pm

    Ok my husband married 2 of these women. I would hope I’m not anything like that. : ) I don’t feel I am. Anyway, Get out and Stay Out is hard to do with children involved. She pays them forces them to not call not visit and it breaks his heart that she is so cruel this way. Now his teenage daughter is pregnant and he has to sneak around to see her. Outstanding! How do you rid this in your life the constant phone calls emails games played kids being punished for her sickness. Its so sad.

  15. Shark
    January 26, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    Hi Michael,

    No one should be subjected to abuse. Going the NO CONTACT route is the only way to regain control of your life and emotionally unhook from this emotional vampire. You will gain strenght each day…be strong.

    Don’t let her push your buttons….that is what they want…you lose power when you respond to them…Hence, the KEY is NO CONTACT. IT IS POWERFUL! It is your control.

    Don’t take things personally (although it is difficult) from BPD’s…they are ill.

    Best of luck,

    SHARK

  16. Michael
    January 26, 2010 at 5:45 am

    Hi Fellow Nons.
    I have posted in other places on this site about my abuse and the things that were either said or texted. (11 years)
    I now know it was not my fault she went to bed with someone else 2 weeks after she left me. (yet she blamed me for it in a text) It is not my fault she walked all over me for years because i let her (her exact words) But i do know that if i let it continue, then it will be my fault.
    She asked me how i felt about 6 weeks ago, and i said i felt like roadkill in the gutter. Dammit if she didn’t smile as she turned away. 3 weeks ago i put up a no contact boundary, and so far it’s working. but then she is away with her new sucker, oops i mean “real man”.
    Sadly she has sent my daughter (14) a postcard, with the words on the front Don’t Quit.. I mean WTF !!! A quitter says don’t quit !! and inside there was much about how much fun she was having,while she’s on “holiday” and how she has tried to contact me and i am not replying because “i have to let her go” (at her request mind you).
    My daughter and i have spoken many times about the words and actions, and she seems to be able to see the sh*t from the truth. But i can see the way my ex is heading.. can’t get to me via me, get to me via my daughter. (her step-daughter mind you).she’s in for a rude shock methinks..
    Here in Australia, we married people have to endure 12 months of separation before we can divorce.I can understand why,reconciliations etc etc. but for me right now, that just sucks.I have borrowed a saying from a another website (i think), and modified it for my own growth, i hope it helps some here as well.
    “I have a better shot at flying to the moon strapped to a banana, than i have of allowing myself to be abused, in the ways i have been in the last few years, ever again. !”

  17. free2beYou
    January 22, 2010 at 2:44 am

    Hello Shark,

    Yep, she sounds like your typical BPD psycho. The only thing I wanted to shed light on is the fact that you say your ex the BPD sent you texts stating SHE SAID that both Therapists agreed she does not show any signs of BPD/PPD. You seem to believe what she texted you they said. You see, BPD’s lie bigtime….that is what they are masters act, among other hurtful & abusive manipulating characteristics. She knows that anything involving her Therapy is confidental to her only,….so she went ahead & made up a story stating that these Doctors said she had no signs of these personality disorders. I personally would not believe a word of it. Yes, it is possible she fooled them both(they are great actresses)…. however, wouldn’t it be great to be a fly on the wall & really find out the true story of what happened behind the therapists door. OF COURSE, she is going to say that they said she had no signs of these mental illnesses………for one thing, it would make her appear sane & safe for you to go back & also because She KNOWS you cannot get any of that personal & confidential information from her Therapists. Same thing with a lot of their made up (to gain pity) schemes lying about what serious physical ailments they claim their Doctors say they may have & knowing that information is confidential. Notice, they never really show you any documented proof on anything if you ask them for it & most of the ailments they claim to have disappear as soon as you retreat & give in to them.(most compassionate people would never ask for proof & they know that. Nice/Normal people with true empathy would be too busy giving them the pity they desire). I guess it may sound mean, but I just do not fall for anything from a suspected BPD/NPD anymore after being lied to so many times. That goes for trusting anything they say that someone told them.
    It seems as you have no financial or marital ties to this freakazoid….so start running & running NOW! With or without a Dr.’s diagnosis for BPD/PPD, you have stated that she has emotionally & physically abused you………..so do you really need a diagnosis to tell you she has some serious issues? Trust your own heart’s warning & please go no contact asap. You deserve better & you know it.
    :-). Good Luck & Peace to you.

    • Mr. E
      January 22, 2010 at 2:58 pm

      “I guess it may sound mean, but I just do not fall for anything from a suspected BPD/NPD anymore after being lied to so many times.”

      If they say the grass is green – check for yourself before you believe it.

    • Shark
      January 22, 2010 at 8:50 pm

      Thank you so much free2beyou for your input. It was really helpful. I feel so many times that I was losing my mind. I have suffered a great deal with this person and need to move forward and I intend to do just that. NO CONTACT POLICY!

      Thank you again. GOD BLESS you all for helping other individuals. Your providing one of the greatest and purest gifts you can give to another human being in the times of need. Your time.

      Thank you and GOD BLESS!

      Shark

      • free2beYou
        January 22, 2010 at 9:59 pm

        Shark,

        Your Welcome, Shark. Glad I could help. I am so glad you are going to move forward & go no contact. I can certainly tell you are a very kind person just from those 2 posts & you certainly deserve much, much better than she is giving you. Just remember the ‘kind’ side of her you saw every so often was just one of her fake masks to reel you in….the REAL Person is the abusive one. You will see that fake side through pity or fake kindness again, once you go no contact & her rage/manipulative/suicicide threats fit are not working. They are tricks they play to get the hooks back into you…..just remember that & stay NO CONTACT. GOD BLESS You too!

        • Shark
          January 23, 2010 at 6:08 am

          Thank you Free2beyou…i am prepared for the on slaught of my exgf and will keep you posted.

          Shark

  18. Shark
    January 21, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    Hi guys…i broke up with my girlfriend a few weeks ago. I have been dating her for nearly 2 yrs…she has broken up with me more than a dozen times only to come back a few days or weeks later.

    I have come across your website and the subject matter of BPD lase September. I could not believe what I came across…OMG…I experienced the “light bulb” effect.

    I spoke with my therapist as well as the couple counseling who me met just two times…once alone and once together which we decided to not continue at the time because we broke up AGAIN.

    When i spoke with couples counselor, he believe my exgf did not have BPD or PPD…My exgf like other BPD are very clever in concealing and presenting a positive front. I then played him some messages that my exgf left on my cell phone and his eyes popped out of his head.

    My exgf was sexually abused at the age of 7 by her father who abandoned the family at a young age…I have also come to learn recently that her father is suffering from schitozphrania. She also had a very bad relationship with her mom growing up.

    My exgf has all the 13 signs that your dating a BPD. I also believe she is suffering from Paranoid Personality Disord.

    After breaking up about three weeks ago, my exgf text me this past Sunday and I gave in and responded. She wanted to meet for dinner. I agreed to go and talk. While having dinner, my exgf saw a bracelet that a girl who i went out with a few timeswhen we broke up for a short period of time gave to me. I took off my exgf’s bracelet when we broke up three weeks ago and began wearing the other bracelet.

    Well..my exgf flipped out and had a tantrum accusing me of wearing the bracelt to hurt her and show that i can get other women…etc…etc…etc…I tried to come her down in a nice way and I explain to her that i took off her bracelt a few weeks after we broke up and began wearing the other bracelet.

    I sent her an email yesterday describing my feelings to her about our relationship and to obtain closure. I also conveyed to her that I met with our couples counselor last month who indicated that it appears that my exgf has traits and characteristices of BPD/PPD. I indicated that I wanted to move forward and that i want no further communication with her.

    She sent me several text messages today advising me that she met with therapist and couples counsel (they work in the same office) who both agreed that she has no signs of either BPD or PPD. My exgf has asked me not to contact her as she does not want to be with me…Am i supprised by the therapists response at this time? Not really, I almost expected that.

    Can anyone please comment…i have been emotionally, verbally and yes…even physically abused by this person…i desperately want to move forward as I no longer want to continue in this relationship. how should i proceed going forward?

    Thank you.

    Shark

  19. Charles
    January 18, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    I am glad to have found this blog.

    I have been to multiple counselors concerning my wife and they all have suggested that she might have BPD. I feel stuck in this marriage of 10 years. I have 3 kids and I don’t want to lose them. I am worried because my wife is intelligent and capable of destroying me by taking away my kids. I have always been an honest, simple, caring person, but my wife turned me into something I don’t like. All I want is peace and freedom to be myself, the self I haven’t been for 10 years.

    On Christmas eve of 2009 my wife dropped my kids off with my mom so she could go shopping with me. I got upset and told her we should be spending time with our kids on xmas eve. That started the fight. She blamed me that I don’t appreciate her and what she does for the kids. She thinks that I think she is a horrible mother. Well there is some truth in that because I don’t see her spending quality time with the kids ever. When she gets home from work she is busy cooking then cleaning then putting our 2 yr old to bed. I never get to spend time with her at night and for the past 6 months I sleep in my son’s bedroom because 2 of our kids sleep with her in our bed. It almost seems like my wife would rather clean the house than play with our kids. She even admits that all she has to do is cook, clean and take care of her kids – that she doesn’t have to play with them. It makes me disappointed because my wife seems to grow apart from my kids as they get older – and me too.
    Well I touched a nerve because later that night she blew up and went into the laundry room with the lights off. She was screaming and crying. When I went to talk to her she said I don’t appreciate what she does, and that I ruined her xmas eve. She even threatened suicide, telling me she won’t be around anyways. Well she stayed furious with me for about a week, then things went back to normal.
    I have more stories just like this. It is a pattern that I have seen over and over for 10 years.
    Honestly I’d like her out of my life. But I want to keep my kids. So I am stuck and I don’t know what to do. Wife will not go to counseling. Wife will never admit that she is wrong or has a problem.

    Ch.

    • CK in Philly
      January 18, 2010 at 5:10 pm

      Ch. – I hear you, brother. Believe me, I feel your pain. I know how hard it is, and I’m just another dude, so I wouldn’t expect you to take my advice… but my advice would be to get out now. No matter when you get out, it’s going to be ugly. Believe that. So you may as well save yourself any more torment, and do it now. Do it while there is still hope for some sort of amicable separation, before things spin completely out of control. Take my word for it.

      I’m like you – soft, caring, honest, simple… and my wife takes/took complete advantage of me in every way possible. I started to feel like I was losing my mind… went on 2 anti-depressants, and started seeing a therapist on my own. My therapist has validated many of my thoughts and emotions, and it’s given me the confidence to stand up to my wife.

      However – it’s put me in the middle of a situation that has now completely spun out of control. I’m in it right now, as we speak. My wife has made previous attempts to keep my 2 year old son away from my parents since he was born. I recently told her that’s not happening anymore, and I took my son the 2 1/2 hours to my parent’s house without her (she previously drove up there one weekend and took him away from my mother when I went to a fantasy football draft). When I returned, she said it was over, we’re separating. We started sleeping in separate bedrooms (fine with me). Meanwhile, she kept saying “this isn’t what I want,” etc etc. On Xmas Eve, she asked me to come to bed. I said I didn’t think I was ready to do that, and she freaked, started kicking me, throwing presents at me… so I went to bed with her to make peace. I did that for 2 nights, and then started sleeping on the couch again. On New Year’s Eve, we had a blow-up after she checked my email and didn’t like what she found in there. She left and took my son. I’ve seen my son for a total of about 15 hours since New Year’s Eve. She came over this weekend, upon my request, so I could see him before she dragged him off to her friend’s house that’s 3 hours away (for the 2nd weekend in a row). She was at our house for 15 minutes, and started a fight with me… she then tried to take my son and leave, initiated physical contact with me, then called the police and threatened me with a PFA order… the police left after about 15 minutes, because nothing happened (except the embarrassment of all the neighbors seeing this happen).

      This is what will happen, my friend, when you try to take some control back. Please, for your own good, and for your kids, don’t let it get here. RUN. Quickly. It’ll be ugly no matter what. Get a lawyer, and get a custody agreement in place IMMEDIATELY. I didn’t do that, and it was a huge mistake on my part. I trusted her to do the right thing, and she hasn’t, therefore I haven’t been able to see my son. Then begin to do what you need to do to break things off. Trust me, man… it hurts at first because of the kids. It does. It really really does. But you WILL be better off, and so will they. Remember that, my friend.

      Be well. And good luck to you and your family. I’m telling you, bro… don’t delay the inevitable, because everyone will only get hurt more than they already are.

  20. BLUESCITY1
    January 2, 2010 at 10:30 pm

    I AM LOSING MY MIND..ALL THESE CHANGES SHE PUTS ME THUOGHT,,AFTEER 30 YEARS I AM A BASKET CASE,,I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE,,I HOPED IT WAS JUST HOMONNES(BAD )BUT ITS MUCH MORE THAN THAT…ALL THE KIDS ARE GROWN AND SHE IS SO MEAN TO THEM,,SHE MEAN TO ME,,AND I CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT,,THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON NOW FOR YEARS,,I AM NOW ON MEDS TO HELP WITH THE DEPRESSION,BUT IT ONLY HELPS ME NOT HER,,AND OFCOUSE THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HER,,JUST ASK HER.. PLEASE HELP

    • Jonathan
      January 6, 2010 at 10:32 pm

      Bluecity,

      Sorry you’re having all these problems.

      My ex bpd used to tell me she was ON her period and that this was the reason why she was moody/acting up. Then, when she started acting up BEFORE her period, she would tell me that she gets moody A FEW DAYS BEFORE. Then, it turned into A WEEK BEFORE.

      The story changed three times. Then, it was someone Else’s fault. Then, it was SOMETHING ELSE’S fault that was making her upset.

      Finally, in the end, it was ALWAYS MY FAULT.

      Her and I ran out of excuses, in that I could only except blame for so many things.

      Hang in there. It MAY get worse before it gets better.

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