When Love Hurts: The Emotionally Abused Man
Does your relationship with your girlfriend or wife leave you feeling bad about yourself? Do you frequently feel misunderstood, rejected, vilified and devalued in your relationship? Do you feel trapped or stuck? Do you believe it’s possible for men to be emotionally abused by women?
Believe it. It happens all the time. The stereotype of an abusive relationship is that of a man physically beating a woman. Society has yet to acknowledge the vast number of women who emotionally abuse men. In fact, the men who are being abused oftentimes don’t realize that their wife’s or girlfriend’s behavior is abusive.
They use different terms to describe this behavior like nagging, bossy, difficult, strong-willed, tough, harsh, argumentative, “passionate,” or aggressive, which they always follow up with, “but she’s really a good person.” Ugh! Good people don’t treat you like garbage. My favorite excuse is, “but she had a really tough childhood.” Really? Lots of people have had less than ideal beginnings, but they don’t take it out on others in their adult relationships.
Men have been brainwashed into believing that it’s normal for women to be irrational, moody, emotional, and demanding. Most men accept these behaviors under the guise that she’s “just expressing her feelings” and that men are uncomfortable with this because “men aren’t good at expressing their feelings.” Bull—-. This behavior makes men uncomfortable, just as it would make women on the receiving end of it uncomfortable, because it’s abusive.
Men, you need to wake up and stop blinding yourself to the obvious. If you walk on eggshells around your partner because you’re afraid she’ll flip out on you for minor transgressions or simply because she’s in a bad mood, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If nothing you do, no matter how hard you try pleases her, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If she regularly puts you down, criticizes or demeans you through name-calling and humiliation, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If she shuts you out, gives you the cold shoulder or refuses to have sex with you in order to control your behavior, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. There’s no shame in admitting this. In fact, it’s your wife or girlfriend who ought to be ashamed.
Emotional abuse is like a cancer that eats away at your psyche until you’re left feeling powerless, worthless, anxious and/or depressed. Most of the time it happens so gradually that you don’t notice it. You explain away the first few tantrums, emotional outbursts and rage episodes. You take her criticisms to heart because you want to please her. You’d do anything for her to go back to the way she was during the honeymoon phase of your relationship when she was fun, sweet and loving AND THEREIN LIES THE MINDF–K.
She’s not abusive all the time, sometimes she’s nice. Now and again, she’ll even make a grand loving gesture and you convince yourself that the relationship isn’t that bad. Abusive personality types frequently have a very charismatic and seductive side. If she was all bad all the time, you’d have never become involved with her, right? Their charming side is how they suck people in. Over time, the charm wears thin and their abusive traits dominate.
You can’t fix this. You can’t make her stop. You can’t make your relationship better. You can go to all the therapy sessions in the world and read all the How to Understand Women books on Amazon, but you won’t be able to change her behavior. Why?
First, it’s highly unlikely that your girlfriend or wife will see her behavior as abusive because “everything’s your fault” and, most importantly, her abusive behaviors are how she gets what she wants. It’s a learned and highly effective behavioral technique, which, even if she gains awareness about it, will be terribly difficult (if not impossible) for her to break. The goal of an abuser is control and the way they control you is through emotional abuse.
Don’t want to admit you’re being controlled or abused? Ok. Ask yourself the following questions:
- Are you spending more and more time at work because you don’t want to go home?
- Have you dropped out of touch with friends and family? When you communicate periodically, do you smile and tell them everything’s great as you feel the knot in your stomach tighten and the lump in your throat harden?
- Do you always feel like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop?
- Have you withdrawn from life while retreating into alternate realities, e.g., books, films or the Internet?
- Are you experiencing feelings of shame, worthlessness, low self-esteem or emotional numbness?
- Are you experiencing physical symptoms like chronic stomach pain, nausea, headaches, digestive problems, insomnia or fatigue that your doctor can’t diagnose beyond “may be stress-related?”
- Are you drinking more or using recreational drugs more than you used to? Are you using them to escape from or numb yourself to the unhappiness of your situation?
- Do you feel unlovable? Like something’s “wrong” with you or that you’re “bad” or “crazy?” Do you worry that if you left your partner that no one else would want you?
- Do you experience symptoms of depression, including thoughts of suicide?
- Do you engage in risky behaviors in which your death would be considered “accidental” like reckless driving, riding your bike alone through rough terrain, going into dangerous neighborhoods,or walking into traffic without looking?
If you answered “yes” to more than one of these questions it’s highly likely that you’re suffering the effects of emotional abuse. Most often these women either have Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder and/or Narcissistic Personality Disorder characteristics, if not full blown personality disorders. These psychiatric conditions are extremely difficult to treat. All three are extremely emotionally abusive types that are incapable of feeling true empathy, which does not bode well for you.
You need to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life being treated like this or if you want a chance at real love and happiness. You should probably seek some form of formal support to:
- Help resurrect your feelings of self-esteem and worth.
- Understand why you were attracted to this woman in the first place so you don’t end up in another abusive relationship again.
- Learn some behavioral techniques to deal and cope with these behaviors.
- Help you decide if you want to end this relationship and, if so, support you through it.
by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
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Stumble It!
I just finished reading your piece “When Love Hurts: EAM” and it was smashingly real for me. I appreciate you taking the time to create that. I really loved her you know, she was driven, she was intelligent and ever so breathe taking. And she loved me madly. I was immature, she was insecure. We loved each other continuously, passionately for years. Until I realized her abuse was tearing my friends, family and spirit apart. It came in all forms: emotional, physical and social happenings. However such as I am a man, my tendency to champion resilience, act recklessly and feel replaceable, left me to believe I could hold things out inevitably. It was love lust, it was the burning sensation. Blessed, I took a chance instead, on myself. This was hard. We must all hold our ground if we are to follow our path in life. My heart may never recover its broken shell, but burning within I feel a desire to see the future unfold before me. Most critically, I owe my strength to those who helped me accept the past, replace fear with love and live today for tomorrow…at the least, it’s my sure thing. Of course it’s good to know that I am not alone in this messy love, living or lost, of course. Thanks.
Hi Nate,
I’m gratified that my writing is helpful to you. Your heart will recover. You’ve already taken the first step, which is extremely difficult. It takes a lot of courage to end an abusive relationship. The abusive woman will accuse you of being a coward and running away, but the opposite is true.
It is a significant act of bravery to stand up to a woman who betrayed and violated your trust and say, “Enough is enough. I want something better for myself. I deserve better.” She couldn’t have made it easy for you.
Best wishes to you and your friends and family.
Kind Regards,
Dr T
Thanks for raising the awareness of this issue. I’ve been involved with an emotionally abusive woman, girlfriend, for five years. I totally concur with your descriptions and methods of dealing with these sorts of individuals. I felt shame, or a sense of worthlessness, about my reactionary behavior towards the emotional abuse. Over the years, through several break ups, I began to respond as you outline here by learning from my mistakes, taking full responsibility for may side of any conflict and giving 100% to the relationship. That was not enough. Like it states here it is simply impossible to satisfy these types of women. I have broken free from this negative relationship by rebuilding esteem, respect and love for myself while remaining assertive, honest, and understanding of her severe character limitations. i agree with the tactics are described here to remove one from these sorts of relationships. It is very hard to accept that these limitations exist in one so loved. The reality is that they do. The only feeling left is pity. I gain strength every day to stay away.
Hi Ken,
Thanks for the positive feedback. I’m sorry you were in such a painful relationship, but very happy that you’ve gotten out. It’s not easy and, sadly, not unusual to “relapse” and get sucked back in from time to time until you really do break free.
Keep persevering. You’ve already taken the first difficult step.
Kind Regards,
Dr T
Thanks so much for the articles…they really hit the nail on the head for what I am currently going through. My wife and I have been going through marriage counseling for almost 6 months now. I initiated this after finally disclosing the verbal and emotional abuse I had been suffering from my wife for over 16 years to my parents and church leaders. We have 3 kids, which makes it even more difficult when they witness the abuse since, of course, my wife has no filter when it comes to when and where this occurs. Anyway, in the counseling sessions, lately I have been volunteering to work on changes I can make. My wife has twisted this all out of whack by saying that the counselor has been trying point out that our issues are 99% my fault. Crazy! I know that I need to get out, but have been staying for the sake of our kids…like your articles state, she can be wonderful at times and is usually a great mom. I just get so tired of hearing what a blankety-blank idiot I am all the time and how she hates being married to me, etc. I have really been trying on my end with absolutely no acknowledgment of that whatsoever from my wife.
Hi Mike,
I want to acknowledge you and your efforts. One day your kids might look back and appreciate it all too.
Do you ever wonder sometimes if you put your all into a relationship with a partner who didn’t have B or N issues, just how much more you’d both get out of it?
Sometimes I wonder if in certain situations the grass actually IS greener on the other side? Sounds like you have lots of great seeds to turn into strong sod, but the tough part is choosing where to lay that sod.
I think the men in these situations really are strong men and are trying hard to fix the problems, but in these instances the only solution it seems is to realize that you can’t fix it like you want to, as you’re not the problem and she needs to fix a lot and likely can’t.
Take your remaining strength and put it into healing yourself and continuing to father your children. Show them how to act in tough situations and come out on top. They’ll see it. They’ll learn from it as they are learning things now with your current efforts. That’s love. Focusing there will reap hudge rewards for you in the short AND long term. :)
You can still love your wife, but remember to love yourself too, Mike :)
Hi Mike,
Unfortunately, NPD/BPD women are extremely treatment resistant (i.e., therapy doesn’t help) and, in fact, often use couples’ counseling as an opportunity to further blame and attack their husbands/boyfriends.
Witnessing their mother abuse you is definitely having an impact on your kids. They’re learning to devalue men and their role in a family. They’re also learning that it’s ok to bully, yell and intimidate others into doing what they want. I don’t believe it’s good or healthy to stay together “for the sake of the kids.” Basically, the only reason you’re staying in a miserable situation is because of your kids. That’s a pretty big responsibility to pin on them. It’s like having a baby to save a marriage. It’s ultimately unhealthy and doesn’t work. The only thing it effectively does is prolong your misery.
Being a good parent doesn’t mean being a martyr. Do you want to teach your children that they have a right to take care of themselves and get out of an abusive situation or that they should remain in a relationship even when it’s hurting them? It’s a question only you can answer.
My father has a lot of NPD traits and my mother stayed with him for “my sake” until I was 14 and then she just couldn’t take it anymore. Every situation is different, but I was absolutely miserable the last few years of my parents’ marriage—the yelling, the insults, my father’s dictatorial and sometimes demeaning comments to me whenever I disagreed with or challenged him (a natural teenage behavior). I was relieved when my mother told me she was ending the marriage. When I was in my early 20s and trying to figure out why I wasn’t having healthy relationships with men, there was a period when I became angry with my mother for not getting me (and her) out of that verbally and emotionally abusive environment sooner.
Her response was, “I stayed with him because I thought I was doing the right thing for you.” My response, “That’s a cop out, mom. I think you really stayed because you were afraid of how grandma and grandpa would react (old school catholic), what your friends at the church/school would think and because you were afraid in general.” My mom and I worked through this, but I truly believe she stayed in a bad relationship with my father (who also had a few nice moments when he was feeling magnanimous) primarily because of her fears, hang-ups and issues and NOT for my sake. I often wonder if I would have had an easier time in my relationships with men in my 20s if my mother had gotten us out of there when I was younger.
I wish you the best in figuring out what to what’s best for you and your children, but I can assure you that it’s never “for the best” to stay in an abusive relationship and your children may not thank you for it later.
Kind Regards,
Dr T
I’m in one right now. I’m figuring out what to do. We have a child and that makes things complicated. I’m feeling worthless, all the criteria above fit. Although, also complicating matters, is that I, too have symptoms of BPD, although I know that BPD usually isn’t diagnosed in men, my psychiatrist seems to think I have it. Therefore, abuse has gone both ways, objectively, but, since I started DBT 6 months ago, I have gotten a lot better and the way I act out, I am always ashamed of it, and it hasn’t happened since. Although it’s rancid to compare levels of abuse, her always dwarfed mine. But, perhaps what I did was not abusive at all, I guess, I remember throughout the entire relationship her disparaging me, leading me to my paranoia, my “BPD” tendencies, I don’t know. She has confused me and I have confused myself but I know I need change and I need help, now. I can’t stand it anymore. Is there anyone I can call to talk about this?
2mv,
I’m certainly not a qualified commentor, but if you even admit you may have BPD or whatever then you probably are a very mild case. My ex would NEVER confront her own shortcomings or even discuss on any level why she behaved the way she did. That’s another reason they are so evil. You keep thinking you can explore and fix things, and it’s impossible. If my GF had suggested to me I had certain tendencies, I would eargerly listen and if she was right I would agree and try to change. With these folks, it’s impossible. So I would guess you aren’t that screwed up it’s the other person!!
R
Hi 2mv,
How many times did you meet with the psychiatrist before he diagnosed you? Does he know about your wife’s abusive behavior? Did he discuss with you that you may instead have a severe trauma response to your wifes’s abuse and/or co-dependency issues?
If DBT is helping, that’s great. Keep going. I would also recommend you find a support group for men who have been emotionally abused. I don’t know if you have the disorder or not, but I do know that severe abuse can make you feel crazy, worthless, and confused. You have to distance yourself from the abuse in order to find out who you are again. Also, talk to your family and friends. Ask them about your behavior and their experience of you prior to this relationship to test out the BPD diagnosis. If you truly have BPD, odds are it developed in childhood or adolescence. If your friends and family don’t remember you that way, you may just be having an extreme reaction to the abuse.
Kind Regards,
Dr T
2MV I believe that fleas jump from these people onto us when we are around them to much . Kind of like a weird projection from them to us. Like a virus, I know that you can become infected by them.
Is it the core trait of these abusers that even though they apply loads of affection and fun they have absolutely no real empathy and concern for your feelings? The confusion is intense. Is it me who is stuffed becuase of my own emotionally numbness or is she the cause of it?
James: I still wonder this, coming out of a 7 year emotionally abusive relationship. Has she ever had feelings of empathy, sympathy, love, for me?
Even after cutting it off/moving in w/another guy, I still maintained contact for two of most emotionally draining, and demeaning, months of my life. I would have to really try to be that emotionally cruel to someone as she’s been to me.
Sure, someone with Bipolar-1 / BPD is going to have problems. And unmanageable problems without the meds. But that’s not my problem they don’t think they have a disease, that the medicine taken in the past never helped.
MY PSA [Public Service Announcement] –
————————————-
Every day, you should
Take the pills as prescribed, “agreed on” with your doctor.
Put them in your mouth. Swallow.
SIMPLE.
If what you’re taking isn’t working right, talk to your doctor instead of avoiding them. Stopping your meds one manic day is epic making in the destruction that ensues.
————————————-
Her Psychiatrist says “she’s going to end up in the hospital”, while shaking his head.
Why do I need this again?
Right. She’s reenacting something from her childhood that was screwed up relating to abandonment, and I’m responding to it in the way I taught by early childhood relationships equally, just differently messed up.
Going to therapy so I don’t end up rejecting good, loving, ‘normal’ woman’. Wouldn’t commit to them because I have a thing for dangerous ones, who would screw up my lives.
Fun!
Isn’t the shared delusion of love grand?
I am a US Soldier currently depolied to Iraq and my wife treats me like I am at fault all the time. She plays games with my memeory and makes me question myself all the time. I lost interest in thing that are deem healthy to anyone who sees it, and now had my debit card cancelled, I have no way of gainin access to money and I am very upset all the time, some days i want my life to end so i do not have to live with this pain. and on top of this she blames me all the time for cheatting on her when I am not cheatting on her at all, I am a faithful husband and father, I wish someone will help me please, I cannot take it anymore i am afraid if i report her my army carrear will be over.
Jason,
What do you mean by “if I report her”?
Report her for what? and to whom would you report her? Is she in the service too? How would reporting her affect your career?
JP
I was in the military myself (Navy) deployed on board ship(aircraft carrier). Although I was not married at the time, I had friends that were and witnessed a variety of relationship debacles along the way(suicides,etc). It is one of the toughest livelihoods for a relationship to thrive. Relationship circumstances are far different than the civilian population, especially where it concerns fidelity, communication, emotional support, and most difficult is caring for children. It takes a lot of internal fortitude for all to endure this lifestyle. Skills in couples communication especially have to be done with the utmost maturity. More so than the civilian counterparts, due to the rotation of absence and presence in the relationship.
There is a higher degree of responsibility placed upon the non-miltary mate (taking care of the homefront, children, etc.) It’s like being married, divorced, married, divorced. Yet, if there is emotional maturity, mature communication, mutual understanding of each person’s role in the marriage, streamlining the responsibilities and efforts, then you have a viable marriage. For a woman to endure this lifestyle and do it for the sake of your needs to serve your country, to recognize that you aspire to be a good husband and good father, is a woman that truly loves you. One that makes these sacrifices for that love.
You as well have to reciprocate, to recognize, and show your appreciation to your wife by virtue of what she positively shows you. Is this the kind of woman you are married to? What I take from this is she blames you for placing her in the position of being responsible for the homefront.She is stressed and it’s your fault. If this is truly the case, she has not “walked in your shoes”, she refuses to understand what your job is and what you endure. She has reached a stage of regret and resentment towards you. This is not your fault. She has chosen her own emotional position in the relationship. In your absence, she has taken an individualistic stance or position. Question I would ask you is this, “what was the relationship like before you left? Did she have the same demeanor in your presence as she does in your absence?” In other words, did she have the propensity to be selfish, self-centered, to criticize you, to criticize others such as your immediate family, was she controlling? Did you find that when you were courting her, she was the love of your life, and when you got married, this all went down hill afterwards?
My point is, if she is only acting this way now, in your absence and everything else was healthy in the marriage otherwise, then all you need to learn is to effectively communicate with her. If she turned on you directly after the marriage, despite your absence, then you are dealing with a whole different set of circumstances.
Apparently you found Dr. T’s site keywording a search. In any case, what I would suggest is the best option for you is to learn and understand what emotional maturity is about. Key word that into your computer and read with diligence to self. As well, Dr.T’s prose are some of the most insightful and useful tools for understanding the egregious nature of personality disordered women, as well, it helps men understand their own nature.
It is not important in my opinion to do some sort of “drug store diagnosis” about your wife, as much as it is to know that you are truly in an abusive situation. In other words, if there is abuse, that is all that matters. I’m not trying to convince you that based upon the lack of information you have provided constitutes abuse, you and Dr. T will have to decide that, however, I empathize with your position as being a soldier, and all that it encompasses. I have walked in your shoes, and know it’s difficult. You are a soldier and soldiers are tough, right? ,..actually you are human and I think you have discovered this recently. One thing I will say is this, when is comes to marriage counseling, the military has vast experience at this and it will not affect your career by utilizing the psych for such purposes. We all need help sometime in our lives. They would probably see more value in your efforts to seek help.
When you have time read Dr. T’s articles and posts you will have a better idea of what your are really up against. It may also help you to honestly assess yourself as well. Keep your head up high, and I appreciate your service to our country. We need you and your children need you.
Hi Jason,
I think melove54 offers some great advice and raises some very good questions. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to be a soldier, facing attacks and possible death in Iraq only to feel attacked when you come home.
As melove writes, you need to determine if she is abusive (was she this way prior to your marriage) or is this due to the stress of being in the service. I wish you the very best and safety where ever you are.
Kind Regards,
Dr Tara
Hey Dr T:
Do you think that having relationships with these types of disordered women can actually drive a man to become co-dependent?
I’m the first to admit that I have a ‘fixer-complex’ – however, I was always pretty good at maintaining my boundaries during these situations. ( I’ve developed this through practice since i work in the health care industry)
Though, in the aftermath of this relationship, I’m finding myself suffering with symptoms typical of someone with codependency.
Are men who are attracted to these women typically co-dependent to begin with? Or is it something that develops as a result of being with an abusive personality? I’m kinda confused by this.
Curious of your thoughts….
thanks!
Hi Jon,
Yes, being involved with an emotional abuser is usually a co-dependent relationship. Oftentimes individuals are prime targets for abusers because they already have a codependent nature. It’s also possible to develop codependency as a result of being with an emotional abuser. Part of the abuse is to make you believe you can’t survive without the other person, which keeps you “dependent” upi the abuser no matter how bad she treats you and no matter how obvious it is that the relationship is toxic and you need to get out.
Best,
Dr Tara
One Saturday night I told my now ex-girlfriend, by phone, that I would be staying at home to finish up some important design work that I had been trying my hardest to finish. I felt bad because I loved being around her and it was the weekend so I asked her if she had some homework to work on so she wouldn’t be completely bored and lonely. I also added that my friends were all at the house so I was going to finish the work and spend some time with my buddies. I hadn’t hung out with them all in a while and they were feeling a little left out. Later I got an angry e-mail from her telling me that if I didn’t want to see her I could have just been honest and she accused me of spending all my time with my friends and not caring about her. It was a hurtful letter, painful and unfair and ruined my otherwise fun night of working and having fun with my friends. The next day she came over and I confronted her about the letter. She stood by her feelings and said that I was trying to hurt and deceive her. We tried to have a nice dinner together but I could not let it go. I tried to tell her how much I cared about her and that I just needed to finish my work and see my friends that night. But she would not meet me half way or accept anything I was saying. It was terribly frustrating and like talking to a stubborn child. No matter what I said she accused me of being a bad boyfriend.
Later on in our relationship she was unemployed and looking for a job while still going to school. I would often drop anything I was doing and help her with her homework. In fact, because I just enjoyed my time with her I would even ASK her if she had any homework she needed help with. We were living together at this point and once again I didn’t see my friends much because of my work and home life. Then one weekend I started a game of RISK with my friends. It’s a long and very involved game. It took us two days to finish the game. On the first night everything was fine. She watched us play for a few minutes and I explained the game to her a little bit then she went to work on homework and look for a job while I played. The next night was a disaster and I was completely caught off guard. My friends came over again to finish the game but while we were playing she came and asked me for some help with her job search. As in chess, turns take a long time in Risk so I was able to help her a bit and then run back to the game when I was called for my turn. She asked me to help her a couple of more times and the last time, as I was about to leave her for the game she burst into tears and accused me of never being there for her. She said she never asked me for anything and that I was terrible for not being there for her the one time she needed it most. Her well being was always on my mind and I never thought of anyone more than her so again, being accused of those things was frustrating and hurtful. I tried to calm her down but she jumped into the bed and refused to talk to me. I sat next to the bed and asked her to listen to me. She told me to get out of her face because she was so mad at me. My friends weren’t oblivious to what was going on in the room and I walked back to the game feeling a bit ashamed.
She was often demanding and verbally abusive. If I made a mistake or didn’t know something she thought that I should know she would criticize me. When I told her she was being unfair and hurtful she would call me overly sensitive. I could not win. Ever. If I tried to help too much I was clingy. If I tried to be my own man I was a bad and inattentive boyfriend.
It’s been about a year since the breakup and I still feel the frustration of not being able to make her happy. She has gone off and seems happy these days and I feel like the failure.
James my man, you came here and shared with us your all-too-common tale of woe…and your last paragraph shows that you’re going through what many others here have experienced.
Let me, and others, tell you that YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!! PERIOD!! James, your description of your ex fits that of a BPD…and you cannot be happy with them no matter what!
FORGET HER, buddy! Who gives a rat’s ass what she’s doing now…if anything, feel sorry for the poor guy she’s hooked up with now! On the other hand, I’m gonna guess by the content of your post that you’re young, maybe in your 20s? If so, dude, you’ve got your WHOLE LIFE ahead of you! Hell, I’m looking to escape from a 19 year marriage to a BPD/NPD within the next year or two, and even at age 46, I’m downright PSYCHED about what the world has in store for me once I’m FREE!
Don’t look down, James…look ahead, and look UP–there’s blue sky and sunshine!
Great advice, James! Thanks for your continued participation. I appreciate it.
Cheers,
Dr T
Hi James,
I’m sorry you’re feeling frustrated and like you failed. You’re not a failure. By your description, your ex seems to be the failure. She had a guy who, by your description, was very giving and attentive to her needs and destroyed the relationship with her impossible and mercurial needs.
I encourage you to stop beating yourself up. These women are like sharks. They go from one prey to the next, chewing you up and spitting you out with neither remorse nor accountability.
The way you’re feeling is normal after ending an abusive relationship. Focus on taking care of yourself, hanging out with your friends and doing whatever it is you enjoy.
And the next you meet a woman who behaves the way your ex did, don’t work harder to try and please her; RUN FOR THE NEAREST EXIT.
Please check back and let me know how you’re doing.
Kind Regards,
Dr Tara
James, I just read your story, and thought it could have been written by me. The exact same thing is CURRENTLY going on, “you’re never there for me”, a refusal to talk to me followed by storming off, calls me stupid, nothing is ever done right, should have known to do this, etc…
I never thought anything about it. I thought it was how women were?
I recently got in a car accident, and now I am fully dependent on her to get me to work. This morning she accused me of hiding things from her and talking to other women. She stormed off and told me I F’d it all up now and that I’d have to find another way to work. I realized that this was not normal.
I’m not perfect and I’m sure I do stuff that probably isn’t good. But, I just know that with all the love that I have for her, I would never have just left like that.
My google search started with, “Girlfriend is always Upset” and eventually landed me to the emotionally and verbally abusive relationships. Unfortunately, most forums use the term “he” instead of “she”. Thank God for this place.
Guys, you’ve really helped me. Stumbled on this site by searching for a friend in sub-denial yet searching for answers and a solution that I (singly and not being a professional) can’t readily provide. Guess it’s difficult for a male to get this kind of interaction. A female from an abusive background, I recognise signs/behaviours etc. Applaud you all for looking for answers and I guess the key in the inital stages is support from people you trust (often, by nature, difficult to find or trust…) – once you’re able to get to that stage… Please feel free and forthcoming to comment on that – just my thoughts… I know you can’t force people but it’s hard to watch a friend especially males. This guy doesn’t relish any macho tendancies but I think he’s so secluded, that part of his ‘training’ is to think that he isn’t a ‘real man’ and doesn’t have the right… Hope you don’t think I’m intruding – any advice welcome… Nfriend
Hi Nfriend,
Sorry for my delayed reply. It’s hard to keep up with everything sometimes. Could you be a little more specific about what your friend is going through. I don’t understand what you’re asking. Are you looking for advice on how to get your friend to open up so you can hep him?
Kind Regards,
Dr Tara
“You’d do anything for her to go back to the way she was during the honeymoon phase of your relationship when she was fun, loving, and sweet AND THEREIN LIES THE MINDF–K.”
Yes…….absolutely…..my life for the past 18.5 years….
Hi, I’ve been reading this with great interest.
I have recently split with my wife of 3 years.She was wonderful at first,friendly,charming,loving,and a lot of fun…3 years on,and I’m left feeling totally beaten and defeated by her. She continually wanted attention,kept saying ‘you don’t love me’ and turned my own father against me. Her mother hated me,it turns out,on information fed back by her daughter.
My confidence diminished,and I became stressed and depressed by her hurtful and manipulative behaviour. Everytime we were out together, she’d be hit on by guys, (she is extremely attractive,and wore a lot of make up/sexy outfits) she was always checking to see my response. ‘I can’t make you jealous’ was the oft heard statement from her. I was upset, but` was used to her attention seeking by now, and I felt less inclined to make love to her, because of her hostility. We have 2 lovely kids,aged 6 months and 2 years.
She then got all her friends to hate me, also tried with my friends. I told her I didn’t love her anymore.
She met another guy, left me in tons of debt, and now won’t let me see my kids at all!
Now she goes on Facebook, putting pics of her and the new guy cuddling, and there are pics of him feeding my baby etc.
She has formally been with the new guy for 1 month and wants to change my kids surnames! (I know she can’t do this) She was phoning my mother and saying stuff like ‘He treats me like a lady’ ‘I have a coil fitted’ ‘He buys me presents’ ‘He’s moved in’.
Meanwhile, I say nothing. I tried and tried to show her I loved her (and I did once), to no avail. I had to phone her from work every night, if I didn’t she would sulk like hell in the morning when I finished my shift. She used to go down my phone looking for girl’s numbers and read my text messages, and check my email.
I would never be unfaithful, as I believe in marriage vows, but seems it was ok for her to do this to me!
I’m trying to get over all this now, but this article has opened my eyes, thank you so much!
Matt,
What do you mean she won’t let you see your kids?!
Are you divorced? Did you give up legal and physical custody?
What does your lawyer say?
She can’t keep your children from you just because wants to.
JP
I’m glad you found this blog. it will help you heal yourself. Keep reading….read everyday
Hi Matt,
I have the same questions as JP. Do you have an attorney and, if so, is he doing enough to advocate for you? Are you officially divorce or separated? If you don’t have an attorney, you need to get one.
Also, I notice that you’re probably in the UK or one of the Commonwealth countries (behaviour with a “u”) and realize that custody laws may be different, but still, you have rights. You need to find out what they are and get an attorney to fight for them.
Calling your mother and the Facebook photos are just her way of torturing you. Try to ignore it. Save any hostile emails, texts etc. for evidence if you need to go to court.
Do you have any support? A therapist? Friends or family you can talk to? You need as much support as you can find right now. You need to tell people what this woman is doing as a preventative measure to her lies, distortions and smear campaigns in case you have to go to court for your children.
Kind Regards,
Dr Tara
Matt,
You not only have to open your eyes my friend, you have to let those visuals make an impression on the brain as well! See this person in your life for whom she really is, not your lover, your wife, your confidant, but a truly vile and emotional predator. You have been and from what I read, are still submissive to her, and you can no longer tolerate her actions. For a lack of better words, you need to grow some balls and stand up to her for your childrens sake. It’s better to have one parent with their head together rather than two totally dysfunctional people in a relationship that will inevitably set a poor future precedence for you kids. Dr. T knows how many times I’ve stated this and I will state it once more,.. you must take care of self first and foremost for the childrens sake. If you are emotionally and mentally distraught, continue to cater to the mother, etc.., you will lose all that is precious to you. Those kids are more aware than you believe and the last thing you need is to allow the mother to have control. Do what it takes despite the financial burden, because that will all work out in the end. Research a good attorney in family law, consultations are cheap and you will at least know where you stand and can begin to move forward. Last but not least, truly resolve yourself to the fact, this woman will NEVER change!! According to what you have written, she’s simply pushing the knife in deeper, wounding you as much as she possibly can, she’s bleeding you out to weaken you even more. Stand up for yourself and for the sake of those kids. Don’t worry about what the family thinks, unless they are being supportive of your actions. Show her you will tolerate her behavior no longer and let the law take care of your rights as a father. Best wishes and good fortune in your new life.
Very well stated, melove. Thank you and it’s good to see you back . I value your thoughts and participation, as always.
Kind Regards,
Dr Tara
Dr. T.
I recently stumbled upon your website and have found it very insightful. I feel that I am now in an abusive relationship with my wife of 22 years. I feel that she possesses many symptoms of BPD but also lacks many of these symptoms as well.
What she has: An overpowering fear that I am going to leave her. 100% convinced I have had an affair and even knows with whom and when (completely untrue). 100% convinced that I am gaslighting HER to prove that she is crazy so that I can blame a failed relationship on her thus executing my plan to leave her. At times, I even believe she has hallucinated about events that have happened in our house and specifically in our bedroom at night (taking pictures at night, rifling through her purse while she sleeps, making telephone calls at night for starters). These events are all a part of the gaslighting she says. Many times, we get along great as if nothing really ever happened. And then other times, I get the 3rd degree over stupid things like playing golf or working late.
What she doesn’t have: For 19 years, our marriage was perfect. None of these fears existed (at least not visually). All these fears and “delusions” happened suddenly 3 years ago following a short stint of taking care of her mother (stroke victim) and the departure of our oldest child (son) to college. I only mention these because I theorize that they had some type of triggering effect for her.
Over the course of the last 3 years, my wife has steadily started to question my commitment to her and our family. Over time, these questions continued to amplify. She stated that my “behavior” led her to these questions and subsequent conclusions. Never has she had any facts supporting her claims, just my “behavior”. From my perspective, many of these “behaviors” are twisted facsimiles of what really happened or what was really said.
Then, just over 1 year ago, I believe she had a breakdown. She was convinced that I had the house wired and was surveilling her from afar. The reasoning was so that I would know where she was at all times so that I could partake in my nefarious activities. She asked me to leave the house and then called the police to have me arrested for unauthorized surveillance. I begged her to seek some help but she refused and instead assured me that she was working with “all the right people” including an attorney. This scared me enough to seek an attorney myself who convinced me to file separation papers in an attempt to block her from doing the same (1st to file has control). This only made things worse and for the past year, I’ve been begging and appeasing in an attempt to regain her trust. We have also been in counseling this entire year but I feel like that is being used as a hammer to beat me over the head and have since refused to participate without some type of objective to accomplish.
We are still in a very bad place. She continues to assert my guilt for having an affair and my plans to leave her. And she continues to declare that I am gaslighting her when little things occur around the house such as when a remote control stops working or a light goes out. The bottom line is that she really believes that I am trying to leave and that I am counting the days when our youngest turns 18 (in a few months). She is convinced that is when my plan to leave will spring into action. She no longer sleeps in our bedroom and instead locks herself into our guest room each night. We have a security system that she arms and will share the code with everyone else in the family but me. She has other locked rooms and cabinets that I am not allowed to enter any more. She has also swiped a substantial amount of our family savings to cushion her blow when I leave. I told her that all these things hurt me deeply but she just says that I am lying. Her denial of my feelings is what I think is most abusive.
I cannot get our counselor to recommend another therapist and I cannot convince my wife that we should seek another counselor. I am at a point however where I am going to stop appeasing her behaviors and I am going to declare my “demands” for what I need from our marriage going forward. I really expect those declarations to meet with great resistance and have resigned myself that this could be the end of our marriage.
Thanks for letting me feedback and thanks for the website.
Mike – That sounds like Hell! You have my sympathy and support
Can I assume the “SixDee” in your username means you’re around 60? And the previous 19 years were perfect? If so, it’s possible your wife has dementia/alzheimers.
An older relative of mine had a complete personality change. She used to be a sweet, kind woman, and is now an abusive witch who gloats (openly) when she bamboozles the people trying to help her. She also became paranoid and decided her kids were trying to steal her money and possessions. She heaps abuse on the people who are genuinely trying to help her. She lies well enough that social workers didn’t believe she needed help. Her kids call her by a nickname now, because she is NOT the same person anymore.
I don’t have any real advice I can give, except to try and get her screened for Alzheimer’s. If you’ve made your counselor aware of her behavior, and he/she doesn’t see the problem, can you stop going? Because it doesn’t appear the counselling is helping you in any way.
Thanks for the Replies Mr. E and melove54. There is so much I could add but I tried to be as brief as possible. We are both in our mid to late 40’s. Menopause is possible because it has started (surgically for a cyst within the past year but after breakdown). There is a history of Alzheimer’s (aunt’s & uncles) as well as a history of bi-polar with her Mom. Her younger Sister is being treated for issues stemming from their Mom but my wife doesn’t think the same issues apply to her. Unfortunately, our marriage counselor endorsed that position. Sister is convinced that my wife has all the same symptoms. Their Mom would often “check out” and I think the Sister (youngest) felt the largest brunt of that (my wife is 4 of 5 kids). Their Mom wouldn’t leave or anything, she would just sit in the room often times with migraines or feeling sick and their Dad would have to take over. He covered a lot for his wife. She has been under therapy recently and was diagnosed as bi-polar.
I agree most likely not BPD but the methods suggested for dealing with a BPD person have been very helpful (boundaries, realizing the person will never take responsibility, etc.). The suddenness is what has me most baffled. Thus the “triggers” I alluded to in my previous post seem to be related because everything happened at exactly the same time. From my perspective, we had 1 shot to see a counselor and we picked a dud.
It’s been very therapeutic just to write this all down and read it back. In reading my posts, the situation looks much more dire and tragic than it feels (and it feels really bad). I have talked with a counselor myself but I’m just one of those guys that hates to shell out $$ to talk with someone. And for the most part, I don’t share intimate details like this with friends. So being able to share on this website is very helpful.
Thanks to all that read and reply.
My mother was an absolute perfect personality until the age of 49 and she did a 180 when her menopause kicked in, much like you described your wife. She got balanced out and was fine thereafter. What a change though!!! They’ll do things very untypical, paranoia sets in, and nothing will change until such time their balance is restored. Like I said before, just a thought. Best wishes to you.
Jmho, the key here is , “for 19 years our marriage was perfect.” I don’t believe we’re talking NPD/BPD or personality disorder in general. You ever thought about menopause? Some women go through it and never know it happened(exception of absence of period), and others, it’s extremely severe, having similar symptoms as your wife, paranoia,etc. A woman’s chemistry is complex and any imbalance can cause some pretty strange mental responses. Maybe she should see her GYN rather than a shrink. Just a thought.
Dr. Tara:
I read MikeSixDee’s post with great interest…as I’ve described prior, my wife also had a “triggering” event (her mother’s death) which ramped up her bizarre behavior. She also had polycystic ovarian syndrome for years, which went undiagnosed until she was 39 (or so I’m told by her), and then had a complete hysterectomy (ovaries included) 6 yrs ago at age 43. It’s known that PCOS continues even after the ovaries are removed, as it’s a disorder of the endocrine system. It’s also known that PCOS is caused by overactivity in the HPA (hypothalamus-pituitary-adrenal) axis.
I have read, in what limited literature exists, that BPD patients also tend to have an overactive HPA axis…but there is much debate on this. From a psych’s standpoint, what do you know of this? Also, since my wife has the history from her childhood of a BPD/NPD mother, is it possible or even probable that a malfunction in the HPA axis was caused by BPD factors, which then led to the PCOS?
Sorry to throw these tough questions at you, Doc, but I’m trying to figure out if there is a “chicken and egg” debate here…or if they’re simply unrelated co-morbid disorders.
Thanks in advance!
Wow, had never considered my wife’s PCOS as a possible cause of her behavior. A few minutes on google revealed a correlation (not necessarily causation, of course) between PCOS and BPD.
Saw a forum post where some woman hauled off and hit her BF for no reason. Too bad the person responding said “he knows you didn’t mean it.”
Sigh.
Anyway, I found THIS thread on another forum, and it was kind of revealing:
http://www.verity-pcos.org.uk/board/viewtopic.php?t=19460
My wife refuses to take the meds for her PCOS, as hasn’t taken them for years. I can’t make her take them, nor is that really my job. Now that I think about it, though, her behavior was pretty awful while still on her meds.
Mr. E:
Good point re: “…didn’t mean it”. Yeah, I can see the judge now when YOU say you didn’t “mean” to hit your wife…ugh.
And, ain’t it true about the meds? My wife frequently forgets to take hers as well…I don’t know if that’s a gender thing, or what…she wanted NO part of hormone replacement therapy, NO mood “levelers”, no antidepressants-although SHE insisted that I needed them! Nor does she follow the doctor’s advice re: exercise and diet…the stationary recumbent bicycle we paid $400 for a few years ago sits in the basement, collecting dust…her latest cholesterol number was 253, yet she won’t take a prescription for it, nor change her diet…
Whether it’s the PCOS or BPD, doesn’t matter to me-she simply REFUSES to take care of herself or follow doctor’s orders…which certainly makes me believe that counseling or therapy options are out the window, since…everything is MY fault!
Good point. My Wife simply refuses to discuss the possibility that she may have hormone imbalance……refuses. But I should go get checked.
Hi Dr.Tara,Jham,and MeLove, it’s been a while since I have been on here,and want to thank you so much for your kind words and advice.
I am starting counselling tomorrow (at last!) I am left with the feeling of having no closure,and I know I will never achieve it, but still I have no contact with my kids.
During the ‘marriage’ she left me 5 times,usually returning to me the next day.
Her behaviour was always in the main,very abusive,and of the ‘gaslighting’ type.
Her insecurites were profound. Her past relationships as she described them to me,were all abusive (she being the ‘poor me’ victim.) She claimed there was violence inflicted upon her,in both preceding relationships,and both were apparently, unfaithful! Her ex husband is supposed to have slept with three of her friends,alarmingly,she still maintains friendships with these women, but excuses them by saying ‘I didn’t love him’!!
I did explain it was unhealthy to keep these ‘friends’ even if she felt their actions were ‘ok’ as,like i mentioned, she didn’t love him.
She has since tried to keep my friends close,and all report I was abusive,and has generally bad mouthed me.
During our marriage (she has 2 older kids from the previous partner) he ex husband,the kid’s dad would call our house and ask to speak to the kids, but was anxious to deal with that process very quickly so he could ask them to ‘put mum on’
Then a 20-30 minute conversation would follow,and she’d be laughing and joking with him,and generally persuing a friendship with him.
He has a new partner,and had told her once he still has feelings for his ex, after putting up with this for so long )the chats were 4-5 times a week- I indicated that I wasn’t comfortable as I was aware he still longed for her back, and it wasn’t fair on his partner or myself. I have no problem with the kid’s dad calling, but the frequency was a little excessive.
She then made sure she actualy INCREASED the call durations subsequentley..
She would flirt with my friends,my brother etc. One time,she was busy cranking my brother up by pushing her bottom into his groin, and eventually he called her bluff and said ‘ok —- let’s go upstairs and I’ll give you what you want!’ She immediately backed off,and became contrite.One of my friends was present and he verified this to be true.
My brother spoke to her recently by email,and he was asking her to resume child access.She became nasty, and said ‘ Yeah? And did you tell Matt you wanted to f**k me? Bet you didn’t, so don’t tell me I’m being deliberately difficult,when you display no loyalty to your own brother!’
The day we finally split, she threatened to invoke a restraining order upon myself, I said that is crazy,I have never hit you,although some arguments were very heated in the past. She told me this at my father’s empty home – he passed in June,and I cared for him during his last 2 weeks at home,with my ex.
I dismissed her threat, as there wasn’t ever any violence.
She also had asked me to meet her there as she wanted to talk to me in person,had asked if I were alone,using text messages, I replied in the affirmative, and she said she’d meet me there. There she delivered her intention to take a restraining order,and in the next breath to tell me she is seeing someone else!
I merely replied ‘ok, but isn’t that a bit soon?’ She smiled and left.
True to her threat, next week saw some big guy at my door delivering the court order,I was amazed, and very stunned to read inside the alleged physical asssaults I had allegedley commited.It was very painful to read the contents of fallacious lies, knowing it was designed to hurt me.
The worst,was the allegation I had ‘kicked her in the abdomen’ whist 5 month’s pregnant.
I had already expressed my concerns over her ability to care for the babies properly,as she had let an 11 year old girl walk around with my infant son in her arms, and she had dropped him accidentally onto a concrete surface from about 3 feet already- thank heavens he was ok, I arrived at the house just as the event occured,and as I am an RN at the local emergency dept. was able to ascertain there was no neourlogical deficit,I stayed over all night to keep an eye on him,thankfully he was fine. I actually witnessed one of her ‘friends’ trying to feed my baby boy with beer directly from a can at a BBQ in the summer-I had gone to relieve my bladder- when I raised some obvios serious concern, she replied ‘Don’t be silly, he is not actually let him drink it’, she just poured scorn over my concern,and dismissed the event like it wasn’t a problem!!
After she had moved to the new house she lives in, I was obviously concerned over my kid’s welfare and was advised to call Social Services. They visited, wife was sweet and charming, won the S.S. team over, tried to make ME look like a lunatic, they left, happy there were no perceievable issues.
So, my situation got worse with her stopping contact, so now am trying to put a case together through the courts and am amassing evidence against her,and will be pushing for a mental health assessment. She also bulemic, and has various OCD’s, so fingers crossed I will get access soon.
She has cleverly used the system to manipulate me,and dupe everyone else into thinking I am the person with the problems, it is so frustrating…
She always wanted more attention than I was able to give, and like I said before, accused me of so many things, infidelity etc etc it did make me lose confidence and left me feeling very low, and almost shamed.
She has behaved so badly, she has no remorse,particularly since she imported her lates victim into her profoundly dysfunctional life and mind, I really think she truly couldn’t care less if I were dead!
I will fight her for those children, they don’t need to be around a mother who smokes 40 cigarettes a day, never mind her 4 litre a day diet coke habit!
I intially rose to the challenge of being her care giver, tried in vain to fix her issues to no avail,and am left feeling worthless and abused.
I am steadfastly trying to get myself back on the level, and I need to, if I’m hoping to see those beautiful children of mine once more.
I’m sorry for the long diatribe,and do thankyou all for reading,and best of luck to all of you other poor guys out there who fell victim to this crazy illogical disorder.
There is so much to tell about her demeanour, but rest assured, she fits the BPD/NPD profile perfectly!
Incidentally, she wants to get the divorce finalised ASAP so she may marry her new beau…I wish him the very best of luck, because his life is about to spiral, and I will welcome him to this board one day when he gets around to seeking out the answers..
Thanks everyone for your valued,and greatly appreciated input.
Matt (yes Tara,well spotted, a UK visitor :-) )
Matt, you have a doozie on your hands. Know that I am with you in thoughts.
Matt,
I’m going to assume that walking away from your kids isn’t an option for you.
Reading your post made me double-take half a dozen times, we were both involved with twins, so take some advice from someone further down the line.
1/ Take the next 2 months and write an autobiography / diary from the day you met her until today, use any and all sources, if you have specific dates use them, if you don’t then put the month down, most important, it is not possible to put down too much detail… computers are great for this, because you can just put stuff in anywhere as and when it occurs, but start every entry with a DD/MM/YYYY date.
2/ Get as many records as you can, ask your doctor for copies of all your medical records, only costs a tenner, ask for copies of all telephone bills and call records, copies of all bank statements and credit card statements, it all helps ENORMOUSLY with point #1
3/ Get as many statements from friends and aquaintances and family members as you can, also helps with point #1
4/ CHANGE YOUR LOCKS, change ALL your passwords on EVERYTHING, from ebanking on down to email and computers.
5/ Once a week, burn a copy of all this data from your computer to a USB stick, have two of these, one always lives somewhere else, NOT your property at home or your locker at work, swap then sticks every week.
6/ Make all communication, if possible, in text, eg email or phone text.
7/ If you simply cannot avoid some voice messages, FIRST buy one of those £50 digital voice recorders from Maplin etc, and then USE IT, and copy files to your computer. (If you don’t have your own computer, beg, borrow, buy or steal a laptop)
8/ Start looking for a solicitor NOW, get a GOOD one, eg ask around MAKE SURE THEY ARE BLOODY GOOD, do this NOW and make sure she has not used them, a common tactic is women having free 30 minute interviews at every solictor in town, thus blocking you from using them (conflict of interest) ASK your solictor who they use as a Barrister, make sure the Barrister also has a good name and record.
9/ When you get all this done, give copies to your solicitor.
10/ ONLY NOW can you afford to have your ex find out what you are doing.
Matt, sit down now, calm down, and take a deep breath.
11/ Expect the retaliation, expect to be accused of rape, domestic voilence, sexual abuse, posession of extreme pornography, and child abuse.
12/ Expect the Police to effectively burgle your house seizing evidence, for starters ALL your computer equipment will be taken (hence points #5 and #9) so a good idea to put a laptop elsewhere.
13/ DO NOT EVER speak to the Police without a solictor present, If you are arrested for rape, MAKE SURE your solictor is a specialist in sex crimes, ask #8 to recommend one, and start carrying his card in your wallet at all times.
14/ The Police are NOT looking for evidence / facts, they are looking to get a conviction.
15/ DO NOT EVER tell a lie to the Police, not even an “Oh, you meant X, I thought you meant Y”, because if you do you will not be bailed… being free on police bail is VITAL to how you present yourself on the day in Court.
16/ Get tutored in how to appear and act in Court, consider it a TV X factor personality contest, if you project the right image AND have all the facts to hand it will go well for you.
17/ Expect this process to take a year. You are out to win the WAR, not individual battles.
18/ If she gets injunctions against you, (dead easy for her to do) no matter what they are, OBEY THEM, and make sure your friends and family obey them too, if your mate from work calls her a bitch YOU will get arrested.
Above all, hang tough.
Best of luck.
Anonymous coward-thank you so much, your comments have given me the wake up call I nneded, I never even considered the listed possiblities as possible! It’s really quite scary-I’m assuming your ex hit you like this?
I am writing a journal/diary as you asked me to, highlighting her behaviour of all types from the beginning, this will be very helpful to the court.Am seeing my solicitor in the morning,so hopefully I will get some info regarding the barrister etc.
She has been attacking me again.(yesterday,Oct 24) We have a mutual friend on Facebook, to be honest,as with a lot of Facebook ‘friends’ you hardly ever contact them. On this occasion, our mutual friend, a girl, commented about someone had been annoying her, and she stated that whatever two faced people do, it will come back and bite them in the ass one day.
I replied that there must be a lot of bitten asses in this world! (humour)
My ex then saw an opportunity to have a pop at me, I have copied and pasted it below, removing just names etc. but otherwise as it was written. I have added explanatory comments bracketed.
“Hi *****, sounds like your not having fun a moment honey what is going on. I have just got back from Malta, kids are great our little man (my 7 month old son) crawling all over the place and starting to talk, (my 2 year old daughter) is so funny but very naughty and (new lover) well is bliss. Hoping to go away to Africa before xmas mum agreed to have babies HELLLLO what is that all about? (her mother refused to look after our kids when we were together,and admits she is not maternal) cannot wait. got text from (mutual female friend) other day all seems good there well take care send my love to (girl’s husband) and the kids for me love (my soon to be ex wife’s name here)) xxx”
Now, I think I can see why she made these comments, pretending they are for her friend, but clearly meant for me,as this comment was added in reponse to my post.
I expect these cruel vile comments to worsen over the coming days/weeks, so am saving them as evidence for my solicitor. I have not,and do not intend to react to them in ANY way.
Do you think this is another sympotonm of her disorder?
Waiting patiently for answers please.
Matt
Oh yes it is part of the disorder…..NEVER any closure. You must be doing a good job at cutting her off from any contact with you. She is definitely trying to push your buttons with that post…..a post that she is guaranteed you’ll see.
This is her way of getting your attention again. Stay focused and keep up the good fight. The post is proof that what you are doing (no contact)is having an effect.
I just finished reading your article and I am convinced that my son is being emotionally abused by his wife. She has convinced him that I am the enemy and has succeeded in separating him from everyone who has ever loved him. He only has his wife and their child now. Since I am not allowed to communicate with him or even to see their child due to her demands, how do I go about helping him? I am so worried for him and heartbroken that my family has had to endure her wrath to the point of losing one most dear to us. I would appreciate any advice or information that you could possible give me.
Thank you,
Joyce
Hi all
As I mentioned earlier my wife uses Facebook as a vehicle to peddle this filth,all in response to me having posted some pics on my page of my 2 kids clearly having a fun day out with them both,my crazy wife now calls me ‘the sperm donor’ and ‘the biological father’ and her boyfriend is now the ‘real’ dad. My baby boy now calls him DADA,(allegedley)and she wrote ‘lol’ immediately after this post.Also she wrote my 2 year old (yes,2 year old) daughter ‘INSISTS’ she doesn’t want to see me anymore….what madness…
She knows full well I want to see my kids, but denies this. She has resisted all efforts to attend or engage in mediation and due to the completely false restraining order she has on me,I clearly can’t contact for access……
All these vile comments are posted on her Facebook account, so have copied and sent to my solicitor (lawyer)
She has been with her boyfriend for 2 months….this is so crazy,I can’t comprehend it, but I should have known better as she behaved much like this in our marriage..
She has aked mutual friends ‘What is Matt doing’ etc and sent texts ‘accidentally’ meant for someone else,exposing her relationship activities with the latest victim into her enticing web.
As much as I hate to read this stuff,it is all fodder for the legal team. Just wish I could understand exactly why she feels the need for all this, I know she wants to hurt me etc.
I accept and am happy my whacko liason with her is over, but she just keeps pressing the buttons.
Men, beware. As the saying goes, ‘if it appears to good to be true,it usually is’
Take heed,and watch your new girlfriend carefully for any symptoms of this disorder. I have 2 kids I love dearly, and won’t get to see them until the ponderously slow legal machine has dealt with her.
I’m so looking forward to the day she is forced by the courts to undertake psychiatric evaluation.
What a contrast to the sweet, kind, loving individual she was who totally adored me in the early stages!…Surprise surprise, she totally adores new guy like she did me!
I guess she hates being ignored, hates the fact she is getting NO reponse, like I said before, I’m just waiting for the next volley of hate filled missiles to come at me! I’m half expecting a rant on my doorstep soon.
Thanks for reading.
Matt
Matt,
I feel your pain where the kids are concerned. It is a vile, self-centered, sick individual that devises such ploys to hurt another. A woman that thinks more of the next headgame she will play, rather than preserving the continuity of the childrens relationship with their father, is plagued with venom and a putrid emotional core/epi-center.
Just keep acquiring written evidence,(emails, text, facebook,etc.) and if possible, record one on one conversations. The legal system is slow, however, you can speed it up somewhat with good solid evidence of her egregious behaviors. Good luck to you!
Matt, Keep this up for sure…..copy everything. She is handing it over to you post by post on Facebook. Parental Alienation is a doozie and she is publicly announcing that she is responsible for this occuring with your kids.
I would seek FULL custody of the children at this point.
Yes…..DO NOT WEAKEN and retaliate, you will win this battle.
Take screengrabs of anything she posts on Facebook as soon as you see it as she can always edit or delete her posts.
Hang in there,
Dr Tara
Dude, the only things that I have NOT been accused of are satanic worship and ritual human sacrifice, and I am NOT joking about this.
Your ENEMY has been doing her own due diligince and research, count on that.
Make use of EVERY hour you have now, before the storm hits, and destroys your ability to think and plan.
I cannot stress the following point enough.
These sorts of sexual allegations are a COMPLETE NIGHTMARE to defend yourself against, it is usually literally trying to prove a negative.
I was INCREDIBLY lucky, I was accused of so much, over so long, that enough items were hit that allow me to definitively prove a negative, eg being admitted to Intensive Care ward etc.
EVEN SO, I was only able to REMEMBER this evidence, and then FIND it and give copies to my legal team, because I followed the plan I outlined to you.
“Luck” is something that you MAKE in these cases, and make no mistake, you NEED luk to win.
One last word of advice, do not ever say this in writing or in Court, but nevertheless it is true.
If you have a vagina, you are incapable of telling a lie.
If you have a penis, you are incapable of telling the truth.
Good luck.
Last one standing wins, so make sure that is you.
Hey thanks guys! I have shown copies of this and other vile lies to very close friends I can trust,and do not speak to her, and they all show the same response “disgusting woman” ‘’she has lost it” ‘’she needs medication” ”that isn’t normal”etc etc. On my last access visit 6 weeks agon, my daughter (2 yrs old) was sticking her fingers down her throat and nearly puking-she has obviously watched her bulemic mother do this-and has been using swearwords.
She has another drama, her bf is her fist ex husband’s ex best friend, no doubt she is getting off on all the attendant friction surrounding that. I feel so sad for both of these guys, she is just one disturbed, crazy woman… (BPD/NPD) Does she fit the cluster B field,or what? Both these poor fellows are dancing to her tune, unlike me, who has the sense to never rise to her bait in any way, she must be going nuts at me because of this, lol.Can you imagine the tension surrounding her, these poor suckers very likely getting at each other, the catalyst of their crazy situation justs sits back basking in the glory? WOW!!
Jham, my solicitor is seeking to get FULL custody.I think I’m lucky she has revealed that new guy is going to be ‘dad’ in this early stage of her new twisted and sick ‘relationship’, as I think it must prove to all and sundry that her aims are unrealistic and pure fantasy.
I don’t feel intimidated by this, although, an anonymous coward pointed out, I must remember that being a man in these situations makes one practically guilty before properly tried!
I bet if I’d undergone a gender change procedure before court,and my new name was Matilda or something, I would be looked upon less critically!
Indeed, the parental alientation has started with much vigour, so the longer I’m parted from them, the harder it will be to negate in the future.I’m hoping a court will pour scorn on her wild assertion that my 2 year old ‘insists that she no longer wants to see me anymore’
Thanks Dr Tara- I have grabbed the screens as soon as they appear, so long may they keep coming!
Cildren need their fathers,and heaven knows, my two need theirs,I can’t imgine how their lives will be left with this crazed person.
You know what, I wouldn’t be surprised if the new feller seeks me out in the future,and asks me ‘did she do this, did she do that’ questions..
No matter whatever, how foul, how evil, her future tirades are, I will NEVER retaliate,as I know that is where my strength lies.
I have emailed my solicitor with all this stuff, even the pics of the new bf feeding my baby on FB etc..I just hope the legal system identifies the insanity and give me my kids back…full time!
Thankyou once again for your continued support everbody, it’s a real help to me to have an opportunity like this to get it off my chest!
Now, anyone actually make/sell a BPD/NPD detector yet?
The past 4 years have been the most disturbing so far in my life.
Matt