10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully
Does your girlfriend or wife yell, scream, and swear at you? Do you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about your relationship because they just wouldn’t understand? Is your relationship making you feel like you’re slowly going crazy?
If so, you’re probably involved with a woman who is an emotionally abusive bully. Most men don’t want to admit that they’re in an abusive relationship. They describe the relationship and their girlfriend/wife using other terms like crazy, emotional, controlling, bossy, domineering, constant conflict, or volatile. If you use words like this to describe your relationship, odds are you’re being emotionally abused.
Do you recognize any of the following behaviors?
1) Bullying. If she doesn’t get her way, there’s hell to pay. She wants to control you and resorts to emotional intimidation to do it. She uses verbal assaults and threats in order to get you to do what she wants. It makes her feel powerful to make you feel bad. People with a Narcissistic personality are often bullies.
Result: You lose your self-respect and feel outnumbered, sad, and alone. You develop a case of Stockholm Syndrome, in which you identify with the aggressor and actually defend her behavior to others.
2) Unreasonable expectations. No matter how hard you try and how much you give, it’s never enough. She expects you to drop whatever you’re doing and attend to her needs. No matter the inconvenience, she comes first. She has an endless list of demands that no one mere mortal could ever fulfill.
Common complaints include: You’re not romantic enough, you don’t spend enough time with me, you’re not sensitive enough, you’re not smart enough to figure out my needs, you’re not making enough money, you’re not FILL IN THE BLANK enough. Basically, you’re not enough, because there’s no pleasing this woman. No one will ever be enough for her, so don’t take it to heart.
Result: You’re constantly criticized because you’re not able to meet her needs and experience a sense of learned helplessness. You feel powerless and defeated because she puts you in no-win situations.
3) Verbal attacks.This is self-explanatory. She employs schoolyard name calling, psychopathologizing (e.g., armed with a superficial knowledge of psychology she uses diagnostic terms like labile, paranoid, narcissistic, etc. for a 50-cent version of name calling), criticizing, threatening, screaming, yelling, swearing, sarcasm, humiliation, exaggerating your flaws, and making fun of you in front of others, including your children and other people she’s not intimidated by. Verbal assault is another form of bullying, and bullies only act like this in front of those whom they don’t fear or people who let them get away with their bad behavior.
Result: Your self-confidence and sense of self-worth all but disappear. You may even begin to believe the horrible things she says to you.
4) Gaslighting. “I didn’t do that. I didn’t say that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. It wasn’t that bad. You’re imagining things. Stop making things up.” If the woman you’re involved with is prone to Borderline or Narcissistic rage episodes, in which she spirals into outer orbit, she may very well not remember things she’s said and done. However, don’t doubt your perception and memory of events. They happened and they are that bad.
Result: Her gaslighting behavior may cause you to doubt your own sanity. It’s crazymaking behavior that leaves you feeling confused, bewildered, and helpless.
5) Unpredictable responses. Round and round and round she goes. Where she’ll stop, nobody knows. This is another Borderline characteristic. She reacts differently to you on different days or at different times. For example, on Monday, it’s ok for you to Blackberry work email in front of her. On Wednesday, the same behavior is “disrespectful, insensitive, you don’t love me, you’re a self-important jerk, you’re a workaholic.” By Friday, it could be ok for you to Blackberry again.
Telling you one day that something’s alright and the next day that it’s not is emotionally abusive behavior. It’s like walking through a landmine in which the mines shift location.
Result: You’re constantly on edge, walking on eggshells, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is a trauma response. You’re being traumatized by her behavior. Because you can’t predict her responses, you become hypervigilant to any change in her mood or potential outburst, which leaves you in a perpetual state of anxiety and possibly fear. It’s a healthy sign to be afraid of this behavior, men. It’s scary. Don’t feel ashamed to admit it.
6) Constant Chaos. She’s addicted to conflict. She gets a charge from the adrenaline and drama. She may deliberately start arguments and conflict as a way to avoid intimacy or being called on her bullshit. She may also pick fights to keep you engaged or as a way to get you to react to her with hostility, so that she can accuse you of being abusive and she can be the victim later on. This maneuver is a defense mechanism called projective identification.
Result: You become emotionally punch drunk. You’re left feeling dazed and confused, not knowing which end is up. This is highly stressful because it also requires you to be hypervigilant and in a constant state of defense for incoming attacks.
7) Emotional blackmail. She threatens to abandon you, to end the relationship, or give you the cold shoulder if you don’t play by her rules. She plays on your fears, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, shame, values, sympathy, compassion, and other “buttons” to control you and get what she wants.
Result: You feel manipulated, used, and controlled.
8 Rejection. She ignores you, won’t look at you when you’re in the same room, gives you the cold shoulder, withholds affection, withholds sex, declines or puts down your ideas, invitations, suggestions, and pushes you away when you try to be close. After she pushes you as hard and as far away as she can, she’ll try to be affectionate with you. You’re still hurting from her previous rebuff or attack and don’t respond. Then she accuses you of being cold and rejecting, which she’ll use as an excuse to push you away again in the future.
Result: You feel undesirable, unwanted, and unlovable. You believe no one else would want you and cling to this abusive woman, grateful for whatever scraps of infrequent affection she shows you.
9) Withholding affection and sex. This is another form of rejection and emotional blackmail. It’s not just about sex, it’s about withholding physical, psychological, and emotional nurturing. It includes a lack of interest in what’s important to you–your job, family, friends, hobbies, activities–and being uninvolved, emotionally detached or shut down with you.
Result: You have a transactional relationship in which you have to perform tasks, buy her things, “be nice to her,” or give into her demands in order to receive love and affection from her. You don’t feel loved and appreciated for who you are, but for what you do for her or buy her.
10) Isolating. She demands or acts in ways that cause you to distance yourself from your family, friends, or anyone that would be concerned for your well-being or a source of support. This typically involves verbally trashing your friends and family, being overtly hostile to your family and friends, or acting out and starting arguments in front of others to make it as unpleasant as possible for them to be around the two of you.
Result: This makes you completely dependent upon her. She takes away your outside sources of support and/or controls the amount of interaction you have with them. You’re left feeling trapped and alone, afraid to tell anyone what really goes on in your relationship because you don’t think they’ll believe you.
You don’t have to accept emotional abuse in your relationship. You can get help or you can end it. Most emotionally abusive women don’t want help. They don’t think they need it. They are the professional victims, bullies, narcissists, and borderlines. They’re abusive personality types and don’t know any other way to act in relationships.
Life is too short to spend one more second in this kind of relationship. Get support, get out, and stay out.
by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Private Consultation and Coaching
I provide confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services via telephone and/or Skype chat. Please visit my Contact page for professional inquiries.
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Mood swings on ccmbuzz.
Stumble It!
“You don’t have to accept emotional abuse in your relationship. You can get help or you can end it. Most emotionally abusive women don’t want help. They don’t think they need it. They are the professional victims, bullies, narcissists, and borderlines. They’re abusive personality types and don’t know any other way to act in relationships.”
“Life is too short to spend one more second in this kind of relationship. Get support, get out, and stay out.”
AMEN. Well said.
B
I have been with a Borderline woman and can identify with some of what is said here. I also believe that I have a mother and sister who are Borderline. My mother in particular will make me think that I’m crazy. She will state something one time and then if I bring it up again. she will claim she never said that and basically accuse me of being stupid.
My mother was also abusive to me and my siblings as children. At the age of 7 or 8 I was forced to wipe my little sister’s butt when she used the bathroom. She was about 1 or 2 at the time. It was one of my duties. Also our mother would beat us with a belt whether we had done anything or not. She also used hairbrushes and wooden spoons to hit us when we were kids. She even used my own glasses to hit me one time.
The woman I spent time with was not at the violent stage of abuse of me yet. I broke it off with her before it got that bad. But she would claim that I said something that she actually had said or she would try to claim that I thought or believed something I didn’t.
She was also very afraid that I was thinking of ending the relationship and she put it in those terms, ‘being afraid”. She also would cry a lot and say how much she ‘missed me’ even though I was right there with her. She even claimed that I hung up on her one time which I didn’t and she wanted to make sure ‘nothing was wrong’. She said, “Did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong?’ and nothing was wrong.
She bit me very hard one time and thought it was funny. It wasn’t. It was very painful. In front of everyone else she was very conservative but she was anything but when we were alone. She was also very irrational. She said she would move to my state and this would mean giving up her teaching job of many years.
Eventually she accused me of leading her on and that was enough for me to basically ‘let it end’. Not satisfied with that she ‘made up’. Luckily her visit ended and it’s a good thing she doesn’t live in my state or I would probably have a stalker. She called me on the phone a few times but eventually she stopped bothering me. You might have to get mean if you find yourself in a relationship with a woman like this. They often frankly don’t understand any other language. It’s a shame, but they don’t.
Barry Jernigan, President
National Coalition For Men
Kentucky/Tennessee Chapter
Hi Barry,
Thank you for reading and sharing your experiences. It sounds awful. You have my sympathy. By what you’ve described, your ex appears to have many of the worst and most abusive NPD and BPD traits.
As you’ve so clearly expressed here, having an abusive parent can prime you for abusive adult relationships. I’m happy you were able to end it with your ex. And, for the record, telling a woman who is stalking you, threatening or menacing you, and/or abusing to leave you the hell alone is not being mean. These women rarely take a polite “no” or “this isn’t working out” for an answer. You have to end all contact and harden yourself to her pitiful begging and pleading. If she threatens you via email or voicemail. Save them and contact your local police department. You may need to get a restraining order.
Thank you again for taking the time to comment.
Kind Regards,
Dr T
Thanks for you advice on spotting BPD women. However, in my experience most women I have dated show these tendencies which scares me. How do you rate a women’s level of BPD as risky and you need to get rid of them. I know it only gets worse when children are involved because the courts can easily manipulate these women to punish you further.
Rob
http://crispe.org/blog
I think getting involved with any woman (or man) with a Cluster B personality disorder is risky. It’s like asking what a non-lethal dose of arsenic is—why would you risk making yourself sick?
You’re right. Women with BPD/NPD who are mothers are frequently the kind of people who use their children to hurt their exes through parental alienation tactics or denying access to the children.
If you have the choice NOT to become involved with women who have these issues, I encourage you to exercise it.
Thanks for reading and leaving a comment. I appreciate it.
Best,
Dr T
my fiance is a very abusive women. im nearly seveentenn and been with her for over a year. untill i read this page she does all of them espacaially the last four alot. i do everyfing corret for her i treat her with respect i get her gifts flowers and im romantic. she has a split personality, shes a nice loving womean but if i make a mistake a tiny mistake she pounces she bullys me insults me blackmails me threatens to leave me then when i pop and shout back shes got wat she wanted me to loose it with her then she will use this against me saying she has no trust in. she bulmic anerix a self harmer and ovedoses often. i dnt know wether its attenion seeking or mind games please somebody help me i need ur advice om how to help or
Hi Reece,
Unfortunately, the behaviors you describe don’t get better; they only get worse over time. You’re very young to be engaged. You need to consider whether or not you want to make a binding, legal agreement to this woman, which commits you to even more abuse. My hunch is the marriage won’t last and then you’re going to be on the hook for spousal support and heaven forbid you have a child with her. Women like you’re fiance usually turn the children against their fathers and refuse visitation, all the while taking your money for the care of the children. The internet is filled with stories like this. It happens everyday. My advice is get out while you still can. Get some help. I know it can be difficult to reach out for professional help, but I don’t think this woman will let you walk away easily.
Kind Regards,
Dr T
Hi. I’ve been married to the person described here for just about 18 yrs. I put up with it mainly because I’ve tried to help or improve things in a subtle way. Things haven’t improved and just as you state, they get worse with age. She has succeeded in cutting out all of my friends and a good portion of my family. I can’t have female friends at all no matter if they are gay because her jealousy is unreal and is the catalyst to most fits of rage. I know it’s time to go and even she has suggested at times that maybe we should split up because she goes into these rants that she can’t trust me or doesn’t know me – which happened from me telling her about my communicating with old friends (that I had before meeting her). So, she is ONE fit of rage away from me filing for divorce and I will have no problem taking that step and starting over. I’ve gracefully and patiently endured a ton of vile verbal abuse and I’m at the end of my rope.
To complicate my situation, I have a 3 year old with a slight learning disability (improving thankfully), my main concern is my child, but I do have a heart and a child should be with their mother. Also, she really is a good mother to our child, I’ll give her credit for that. My question is, what’s the best approach to an amicable split and is joint custody possible or safe? Who should have primary custody (residence) in a case like this? I know she’ll be slinging venom my way and I’m good at shrugging it off, also I embrace being the bad guy so she can feel free to bad mouth me to all her relatives, my family or whomever, so that’s not a factor – anyone with common sense can see though the muck.
Any and all advice is appreciated, I’m trying to be objective as possible so feel free to ask me if anything I may be doing is off-key.
If you have a heart you’ll appreciate a child needs two parents. Your suggesting your child should be with the mother is ridiculous and just gives in to your wife before she even makes the demand you expect. I thought my BPD-ex was a good mother for the first three years, but after that it was clear she wasn’t. She is a good actress, though. BPDs are not good mothers 24/7. Wait until she starts dating someone after you’ve left but she’s hosting your kid! She’ll lie to your kid and to you. She’ll let your kid down so she can do what she wants. If you’re sane you can be a good father 24/7.
What you can get from Family Court depends on your State. I sought and got 50/50. Go to a psychologist to help you, one that knows BPDs in Family Court. He/she will amaze you with insights and predictions of behaviors, almost to the day. Mine said I’d have to fight for 50/50, but I never once felt the Court doubted me (see below). Draft emails and practice calls with your shrink. I found and bought online a series of chapters about what to know when divorcing a borderline. Don’t have details with me just now, but they’re written by 2 or 3 attorneys (I think) who specialize in this field.
We were due in Court but my ex- (I left her) refused to negotiate. The judge ordered us to psych exams. The examiner revealed multiple suicide attempts I didn’t know of, and a BPD diagnosis. His/her questioning will reveal things you can’t imagine. The report went to the judge. Still, faced with this powerful evidence, my ex- would not negotiate. Her attorney even apologized to me! Ultimately, with more BS for months, we settled. Is it over? No, never will be, but my kid has a safe, happy home with me half the time. I can see my kid is happy with me, loves my house, my cooking, my jokes and just being with me. I encourage him/her (sorry to be vague… don’t trust my ex…) to be with mom, but we’ve caught mom in many lies I can’t get into here. Bottom line, kids are not stupid, and you need to hang in there. In a few years your kid will get it, and by his teens he’ll probably figure mom is a nut and you’re what kept him sane! Your house will be his refuge. Leave her, don’t set a deadline of the next fight. You’ll let it go like I did for years. Get out, stay out, and get help. Get an attorney with experience. Mine talked with my shrink, too! Keep them on the same page.
Write everything down. Make time to write. Save emails and text messages. Write nothing to your ex- that a Court can interpret as threatening; if your ex- suggests it was a threat and shows the Court they’ll dismiss her behavior. Keep it clean, factual, don’t be drawn into arguing. If she accuses you of something don’t take the bait. Keep going with your original question(s). If she doesn’t like them she’ll ignore them and bitch or go off topic. Print and file that email – it’s evidence. Print and file everything. If you don’t write it down it didn’t happen. Plan: Talk with an attorney. Set a schedule to leave and to file papers for divorce and joint/full custody (depends on State and attorney’s advice). If your State generally goes 100% to mother you may have a problem. But then you can see if you’re right, that she’s a good mother.. I know you’ll be wrong, but you’ll figure it out eventually.
Nice advise…..
Oh, one more complication: my child tends to grab me and my wife and pull us together for a collective hug very often. That’s what really has me at a standstill, how to explain this type of thing at such a young age. What can prevent bad behavior or resentment in a child’s mind?
Hi VeryPatientMan,
That’s not all that uncommon behavior. More than likely, even your 3-year old sees that there’s a problem with mommy and daddy. In pre-school, when kids have a fight, the teacher often has them make up by “hugging it out.” Josh and Susie, tell each other you’re sorry and then give each other a hug and be friends again.
My guess is that your son is acting as the peacekeeper/referee for his adult parents, which is supremely unhealthy. He’s taking on an adult role at a very young age. I’m not sure what you’re asking re: “What can prevent bad behavior or resentment in a child’s mind?” Are you referring to how to prevent resentment should you divorce?
Kind Regards,
Dr Tara
Yes, that is my question – how to prevent resentment when we split up. I think a divorce is inevitable as things will probably never improve, which I just learned recently and thanks to your blog – classic BPD. In fact, after our last bout, which called for classic “isolation” – meaning I had to give up contact with my childhood friends, for which I gave in, but now, all of a sudden, she loves me more than anything and wants to jump my bones every hour. Luckily, I have a leg injury that I have been milking it with because I have no desire to touch her. Right now, I just don’t feel anything toward her – pure apathy – is this normal for a longtime BPD spouse?
Hi VeryPatientMan,
I don’t know if it’s possible to prevent resentment. Even in the best of circumstances, divorce can bring out the worst in people. Behave honorably and let your children know how much you love them as often as possible. If your wife has BPD I’m afraid there’s probably no way to get out of the marriage unscathed.
As for your lack of sexual desire toward her, I don’t think it’s at all unusual. Contrary to popular opinion, many men aren’t able to turn on their libido like a light switch–especially when you’re on the receiving end of near constant criticism and emotional withdrawal. Emotional abuse is not an aphrodisiac.
Best,
Dr Tara
Dear VeryPatientMan,
‘…I have been milking it with because I have no desire to touch her. ‘
Few men in healthy relationships will understand this. Unfortunately, I can relate to this only to well. For so long in our relationship I have been trying to thaw her “huffs.” Tried to be affectionate and physical. I used to find sex very healing. It would be very intimate, warm and affectionate. I could never stay angry.
For years in our relationship sex has been used as a weapon, and there are several ways a woman can do this,
In the latter years my wife stopped making direct advances, relying on sending out signals which I respond to. I am sure that this is a power thing, admitting that she wants sex would be admitting weakness.
Currently I don’t want to touch my wife at all. I am certain that she wants sex in bed at night – I am well tuned into her signals. However, I have no desire to touch her. I don’t believe that I am pulling a huff, trying to punish her. I just despair over our relationship.
I married my wife when I was 16 and she was 18 and I am now 40. Our relationship has had its ups and downs but lately it has turned violent.
We have a 23 year old that just recently left the home because she couldn’t live by the rules I had in my home. She was smoking pot and had men staying the night with her. Now my 15 year old is exhibiting some of the same behavior. I try to enforce rules but my wife tells me to shut up.
I really do love my wife and children but the other day when my wife complained that our daughter was very disrespectful to her that day I told her I didn’t want to hear it. That was the first time I got hit in about 5 years.
My wife never follows through and when something I consider a deal breaker with our daughter I am told I am over reacting.
My daughter never comes home on time and has boys in her room with the door closed and my wife thinks I am unreasonable when I get upset.
The other day she came home from my other daughters place and she had blood shot drooping eyes. I knew she was high on something so I confronted her.
My wife told me to shut up and leaver her alone which led to an argument that ended in me getting slapped very hard. My nose hurt for 3 days after that and I had to make an excuse at work as my face was scratched.
I am at my wits end but being married at 16 I am very scared. I know nothing else but I can’t be apart of a destructive relationship that is getting worse.
Its not easy raising teenagers today and not having ground rules is a losing battle. I am not in a very good position to leave but I can if I need to.
Hi weary and tired,
You have my sympathy. It appears to be a very toxic family dynamic. First, I applaud you for trying to establish appropriate boundaries for your children while they’re in your home. It must have been incredibly frustrating to have your wife undermine you while watching your children experiment with behaviors that they’re not mature enough for and unhealthy. And now your wife appears to getting high with your older daughter. Great role model.
Apparently, your wife only wants your parenting input when she wants you to back up one of her few parental limits. I’m surprised by your wife’s surprise by your younger daughter’s disrespectful attitude toward her. Your wife is openly disrespectful toward you and lets them do whatever they want. It appears she’s now reaping what she’s sown.
As for your wife’s physically violent behavior toward you—NOT GOOD. I empathize with your fear of ending what’s probably the only adult relationship you’ve ever known, but what you describe is profoundly unhealthy—for you and your children.
Speaking of dealbreakers, physical violence trumps not following through. I wish you strength and courage in making your decision regarding whether to stay in this relationship. Before you say anything to your wife, I encourage you to consult with a family attorney who specializes in high conflict cases and father’s rights. I hate to say this, but it may be too late for your children. The oldest one seems out of control and the younger one seems to be following in her footsteps with the permission of your wife. 40 is NOT old. If you opt for a healthier life and a new relationship with a kind, loving and respectful partner, you can have a second chance at another family.
Kind Regards,
Dr Tara
I´ve just come out of a year long distance relationship that was nothing short of a small nightmare.
My ex started off the proceedings by filling my head aabout her ex, what he did, what he earned, who he dated e.t.c. She would meet strangers on the street and want to go to their parties and called me controlling if I didn´t like the idea.
Any sign of an ex girlfriend of mine, no matter how long ago it was, caused trouble right away.
She would call me late at night to tell me about guys who hit on her and would be drunk nearly every weekend.
I can´t recall one weekend that we saw each other that something wouldnt kick off and I constantly found myself on the wrong end of an arguement and walking on egg shells.
If anybody wrote anything on my Facebook, it was trouble, if a pretty girl walked past me on the street it was trouble.
She tried to cancel holidays if I wasnt happy with the way she acted and used her looks as a way to constantly keep me on strings.
Every other week she had a different idea about how our relationship would go and when she eventually broke up, said she made a huge mistake, fixed it and did the same shortly afterwards.
Most elements of myself, down to my looks, earnings, lifestyle e.t.c were down graded to the point I was wondering what she was doing with me.
Now she it calling every now and then and texting and to be honest i´m badly damaged from this.
She lied a lot about small things so I´m not 100% sure what was really going on.
I did my best on all aspects and tried to reason so many times or make my point clear that I wasnt happy with her behaviour and got a small “sorry” only to get a full revolt afterwards.
No really sure what to do now with my brain and feelings as I still love her even though she has told me she started dating already..why I needed to know that, I´ll never know.
Hi Ben,
Thank your lucky stars you’re out and remember every hurtful thing she said and did to you when she comes sniffing back around looking for attention.
You don’t still love her. That’s part of the brainwashing number she did on you. The woman you think you love never existed in the first place. You were in love with a phantom. The real woman is the pathologically jealous, hurtful creature who’s left you reeling. Whenever you catch yourself thinking or uttering, “I still love her,” challenge this faulty belief. Is she a good person? Did she treat you with kindness and respect? Did she behave in a loving manner? Did she demonstrate her care in small gestures? Would you be in love with a stranger who treated you the way she did? No? Then odds are you’re probably not really in love with her, but trying to convince yourself that what you felt was love otherwise why would you put up with her abusive behavior for as long as you did?
I hope I’m not being too harsh, but these women are NOT lovable. You were programmed to believe that and now you need to deprogram yourself. You can do it. Get some support. Figure out what attracted you to this woman. Work through it and then move on. Please check back and let me know how you’re doing.
Kind Regards,
Dr Tara
Hi Dr. T
I just got out of two year relationship with my ex who I finally realize has been extremely emotionally abusive towards me. so much so that im too drained to even write all the numerous times she made me feel like no matter what i did, it would never be enough. I just want to thank you for having a website like this and me being able to see I am not the only one.
Hi Johnathan,
Congratulations on getting out. Thank you for the kind feedback. I’m glad my site has been helpful to you.
Kind Regards,
Dr Tara
Seriously – where have you hidden the camera in my house?
My BPD wife at this very moment is in the psychiatric ward at our local hospital as a result of her second suicide attempt.
I don’t know how much more of her BPD, anxiety, depression, OCD, eating disorders and IBS I can tolerate.
Sites such as this both provide some relief that I am not crazy – but at the same time don’t give me much home for a future with her.
Hi Matt,
No hidden camera—I swear! It’s just that these women are all hatched from the same pod, so to speak. That’s why there’s so much similarity in their behaviors.
Suicidal gestures take the toxicity these women exude to a whole other horrible level. You have my sympathy. I don’t know how you hang in there. I absolutely believe in “for better or worse,” but believe these women cross a line that makes these vows null and void. Abuse is not “for worse,” it’s a violation and breaks the other vows “to love, honor and cherish.”
I encourage you to consider how much more of your life you want to devote to her unrelenting pathology and abusive behaviors.
Kind Regards,
Dr Tara
I was going through the journal I keep of her nastiness to remind myself things really are that bad. As I was going through, I remembered another event and wondered if it might be common, and if it’s as rude as I think:
I was working near her office for about a week, so we made plans to go to lunch. Every time we met for lunch, she’d bring a co-worker. That might be fine, but the part that sucked was that she and her co-worker would then spend the entire lunch gossiping about other co-workers (people I don’t even know) and discussing their work stuff. She has a specialized field, so it was impossible for me to join in the conversation. So essentially, I got to go watch her and her friend have a conversation during lunch. It was like I wasn’t there.
Also, I wonder if everyone dealing with these kind of people have had some variation on the “wire hanger” fight. Eg. she says, “How come all my clothes are on wire hangers while yours are on the plastic ones you horrible, cruel, passive aggressive person you!” Meanwhile, when she bothers to help put away clothes, she can’t expend the effort to turn my clothes right side out…
My wife of 8 years exhibits most of these traits to varying degrees. She doesn’t insult me though; in fact, she compliments me a lot and likes to do little things for me often. She’s just got a major attitude problem. I’ve been unhappy since right after we got married because she immediately started acting emotionally abusive.
My father was mildly emotionally abusive, but my mother was very loving yet always took his side because she loves him so much.
Anyways, girls like this are attracted to me I think because I have a quiet disposition, making me an easy target. I just don’t seem to be able to function in a relationship with a smart, fun, and positive-attitude girl. It’s like I click with them at first, and then I don’t know how to keep it going — like I never learned how.
I haven’t left my wife mostly because I truly feel sorry for her. She is actually a good person buried under a heavy load of insecurity and bitterness. This good person appears throughout the week. But trivial things constantly cause the ugliness to surface (like there’s no more milk and she wants cereal or somebody looked at her and didn’t smile) and just ruins everything. I’ve decided not to have kids because of her (assuming I stay with her).
God I should really just kick her to the curb but I can’t get myself to do it.
Well, my question is — What does it say about men who are with these women? And can they change? How?
Hi Keith,
I’m sorry to read you so unhappy. It’s been my experience that pity is never a good basis for a relationship. The fact that you don’t want to have children with your wife (especially if you actually want to have a family) is a pretty strong statement.
What does it say about men who are with these women? There isn’t a universal answer to this question. Oftentimes, men are attracted to these women because they’re replication the relationship they observed between their parents or were emotionally abused by one or both their parents. Some men are fixers/knights in shining armor who want to save these women (probably also related to early childhood). Some men have reasonably healthy childhoods/families and get sucked in by the power of their abusive wife/gf’s personality and develop a kind of Stockholm syndrome. Some men desperately want out, but feel trapped (kids, finances) or feel sorry for their wife/gf.
Yes, most of these men, including you, can change. First, you need to acknowledge it’s an unhealthy relationship, understand what attracts you to this woman and find healthier ways to get those needs met. It’s a process. You’re not doomed to have this same relationship again. Emotional abuse is probably your “comfort” level because it’s familiar. If you really want to be in a healthy loving relationship, you’re going to have to ride out the eventual discomfort you feel with non-abusive women.
What’s your belief system re: relationships? You already said that you believe you “don’t know how to keep a healthy relationship going.” That’s one belief. Another belief is that you’re an “easy target.” What happens when you’re with a smart, fun, positive-attitude girl? What’s the fear or the turn-off? Do you believe you deserve to be treated badly? Do you believe love is supposed to hurt? Do you believe there’s something wrong with you, some hidden affliction that makes you undeserving of love? I encourage you to explore your belief system. If you change your beliefs it will probably go along way toward changing the kinds of relationships you have. I encourage you to seek some support and think these things through. Just because you have a history of being with emotionally abusive women doesn’t mean your fated to do so for the rest of your life.
Kind Regards,
Dr Tara
I’ve been with my girlfriend for just over 2 years now. At times she can be so sweet and caring then something goes wrong and its game over. When she becomes upset I feel as if she wants to stay upset and use me as a punching bag. If she becomes the slightest bit upset I’m just too worried to say anything right to her and try to think of what I should do. If a few mins go by she becomes enraged and says I should have said something right away or something to make her feel better. The problem is, I feel as if nothing I say will make her feel better. I’m always accused of not knowing how to talk to her and being unemotional because I try to remain as calm as possible while shes upset. She will then call me names, scream at me and most of the time will not let me touch her and look away from me.
I try to talk to her and offer suggestions of what we can do but it usually ends with her mocking me and saying I should have done something right away and not let her get so upset. It often gets to the point where she’ll drive away or walk away from me and disappear until eventually she agrees to meet up with me somewhere, usually to scream more at me. She tells me she gets upset because I don’t know how to talk to her but when I try she mocks me and tells me to stop repeating myself because it turns into her not looking at me and me telling her I’m sorry for upsetting her so much, that I’m an idiot, and I love her very much. Her response: I don’t care and I should know how to fix things, especially since I’ve been with her for over 2 years. There is so much more that she does as well but is too much for me to type
Anyways I just wanted to say thank you for the article. I feel better knowing I’m not alone. I’d like to end things however it becomes hard when she becomes sweet again and makes me feel like she really loves me. I know what I should do, however I’m just too scared to do it.
Lost –
I’ve been there.
Unfortunately, you’re in a damned if you do, damned if you don’t scenario. My ex did this to me, as well. If I were to speak at the beginning of her rages, then I was accused of trying to “shut her down” and “not letting her feel her emotions” (or some variant thereof – I don’t remember her exact words, and if you wonder how bad it was, I’m making this disclaimer, because I can still her in my head accusing me of “lying” because I’m not relating this anecdote to you EXACTLY as it happened).
The “you don’t know how to talk to me” thing is particularly troublesome, and the best I can tell you is to agree with her. You don’t. But the thing is, it’s not a failure on your part, it’s because she’s irrational.
I understand your fear to terminate things. I stayed in a lot longer than I should have. I promise you, things ARE better on the other side.
Good luck…
Lost –
Yeah, that sounds about right. My wife doesn’t accuse me of being unemotional, but she DOES get mad when I stop talking because there’s no way to be right. I can’t recall what she accuses me of when I do that – I think I just get scolded for it along with everything else.
Does she live with you? If not, I suggest changing the locks, change your phone number and email address and go on with your life.
I understand the fear of leaving. Once when we’d been dating for maybe six months, she got the impression from something I said that I was leaving her. Man, the rage came out. It was scary and for some stupid reason I stayed with her instead of ACTUALLY dumping her. She also used to say (in a sweet voice, of course) that if I ever broke her heart she’d kill me.
Friend, it’s really that bad. The sweet side is the fake side. Get out while you can without needing lawyers. ;)
My wife just asked me to find a map to a dental appointment. She gave me two addresses and I accidentally entered the wrong one on Google Maps as I didn’t fully understand her request plus I have visual limitations so I couldn’t clearly see what she gave me. She proceeded to scream at me claiming I did it purposely and how stupid I am. This behavior and other verbal abuse has been happening for more years than I care to admit. I am 68 and am in the process of getting a legal separation and can’t wait until I complete the paperwork and get it filed with the court. Once it is official I am moving over three thousand miles to get away from her, once away and after 6 months a lawyer advised me to file for the divorce. I have stuck with her because of the kids but they are all grown so I am about out of here.
Hi, I really like this web-site, I just found it this morning.
I was with what I thought “the last woman that I wanted to be with”, well it happens that we were together for 3 years, and every few months and sometimes weeks it will be a roaller-coaster, ups and downs were the daily dish in our relationship. I come from a family that respect everyone regardless of their believes. This person was so insecure about herself that she had a breast implant and a nose surgery, because she wasn’t happy with her appareance and even she was looking beautiful, she’ll still complain about her figure or way she look. I’m 34 yeras old and she was 10 years older than me and I didn’t care because I love her, but every time she will get upset, she will just insult me and wish I was dead, and she’ll wih for me to get STDs, she will said to me that I was a very bad person, I was not good looking, that she is happier when she is not with me and things like that.
Then when we used to get back together, she’ll not remember she said all those things or she’ll said that were not a bad intentions to offende me.
I have ever say anything bad or spitfull to her even when she said all those things to me. One night she went just crazy screaming at me and try to slap me several times on my face, just because I didn’t want to let her review my cell phone. I don’t check her stuff and I believe that people’s computers and cell phones are private.
Also, she was all the time saying that she had never have a problems getting guys, that she was always popular with guys. I never understood the point of why if you’re with someone that you love, so why to said those things?
She will be so upset with me if people from work say hi to me at the mall, or if people at the gym that we used to go say hi or try to start a conversation with me. She will just try to leave me and go home and my punishment from her was that I wasn’t going to see her for a few days.
We just broke up about 2 weeks ago and I’m trying my best to do not contact her for anything, one day I send her a text saying that I love her, and boom!! she immediately reply with 15 texts saying all those things again, insults, threats, she will even said to me that she wish me dead with all her heart, and all what she wanted for me was pain and nothing good. She even told me that she was “going out with 2 guys” right now and she was very happy…The sad part is that when we met we were both married and I got divorced to be with here and she is still with her husband “separated”. i don’t regret my divorce….
I didn’t do anything bad to her, I ever got to insult her nor to raise my voice, I lost friends, I quit the gym, I stop talking to people, I stop inviting my family to coming over, I was so away from my 2 kids that my older son was getting very indifferent towards me (my relationship with my kids is getting much better), I stop playing softball so she could see that I really wanted to be with her and spend all my time and energies on her. I started going to therapy and I’m very nervous, and having anxiety, I can’t hardly sleep anymore and I start drinking beer, thing I always have hate for my entire life, but it help me to relax and sleep better.
She said that she doesn’t love me anymore and I’m just devastated with this, I know I’m still fighting with my feelings and I’m neglecting myself to see the reality.
All what I have in my head is one thought “WHY?” I have ever een with anyone that is so irrational and that doesn’t want to face me, all the insults and communications are done via text messaging!! sometimes is so bad that I feel everything is my fault and that I’m the one to be blame for…Why? I don’t understand..
@Sela
Damn Sela, She’s got “it” bad. You need to read every article that Dr. T has posted on this blog. Start in January and read read read.
Once you get into ~March, you’ll stop with the “why” and you’ll start to understand.
Welcome to the healing side of this sickness. It takes work, but you’ll do it as your sanity has no other choice.
If one can see that a friend is being abused by his wife, what is the best help/support that a (female) friend can provide?
Hi CC,
Unfortunately, the best I can tell you is “I’m not sure.” I don’t know that direct interventions help (my sister tried, but I wasn’t ready to hear what she had to say), and other friends of mine (female), while concerned about me at the time I was in the thick of things, were unable to reach me. I’d completely isolated myself from them, lest my ex think I was cheating on her with them (all women were off-limits for me to interact with, even if they were lesbians!).
The best I can tell you is to be there for him if he approaches you, and/or if/when the relationship ends. He will need friends. In the meantime, I’d let him know that you’re a resource should he need one, but I’d do it in a subtle manner so as not to arouse suspicion of the wife.
I don’t know the situation, but he may not be ready to talk about it yet, or even acknowledge the abuse. It’s a little difficult for us, because it’s rather heavily reinforced in our culture that men are ALWAYS the abuser, and he may be blaming himself for making her angry. Additionally, there are, regretfully, masculinity issues that come up in that men aren’t “supposed to” let themselves be abused, much less by a woman. This will mess with one’s ideas of what it means to be a man, and may make him again deeply question what it is he’s doing wrong, even though it may be (and probably is) nothing at all.
You’re in a tough spot. But by being there for him when he’s ready for it, you can be a tremendous friend and resource for him. He’s lucky to know you, and will (hopefully) realize just how lucky one day.
I hope this helps a little.
Others here may have different takes on it.
Hi CC and Kev,
I completely agree with Kev’s advice (thank you, Kev!)
Trying to tell a friend or family member that you’re concerned for him because of his choice of mate is usually a no-win situation. If he’s not ready to hear it yet, he’ll become defensive and defend his gf/fiancee/wife. Even worse, he may repeat what you’ve said about her and then you’ll be cut out of his life entirely.
It’s kind of like telling an addict that he has a problem with drink or other substances. The addict will deny, minimize, lie or become angry or defensive about his/her drug/alcohol use.
Also like addicts, men who are involved with this kind of woman have to hit rock bottom before they can begin to dig their way out. It’s painful to witness as a third party who cares about the person who’s harming himself in an abusive relationship.
Like Kev wrote, try to be there when he needs support and try to be there without judgment.
Kind Regards,
Dr Tara
Thanks to all for your comments. Having (sadly) been through an abusive relationship myself, I know that if I say anything (and I never have) he is likely to turn on me and shut me out. I know I didn’t want to hear it when I was in the middle of it, so I imagine he is in the same position. I can’t stand the idea of leaving him alone to deal with his situation, as I think I am the sole source of true affection/support/encouragement in his life right now….but reading through this list brought me to tears as I can see at least 6 of the 10 manifesting themselves for him right now. He does not know about my previous situation, but perhaps if I tell him about it he will have food for thought. Or maybe I just keep my mouth shut and love him no matter what. He does tend to blame himself, but I know that we are close enought that he knows that I know…if that makes sense. By keeping quiet and accepting him no matter what, I am hoping to send a message that he can think of me as a resource – but it’s hard to stand by and watch what she is doing to him without saying something. Reading this list made me want to send it to him and say ‘wake up’! But we all know that doesn’t work. Thanks for listening. CC.
CC,
You could always email the list to him anonymously (from a new anon gmail/yahoo account) with a brief ‘untraceable’ comment like “concerned about you…thought you should check out this article”.
At least you’ll know you’ve done somethimg to get him the info. Whether he wants to swallow the pill and see the matrix is up to him.
JP
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Hi Fafar,
I encourage you to find a good attorney as soon as possible and find legal ways to prevent your wife from alienating your son and protect your custodial rights. Furthermore, if you’ve documented her previous acts of physical violence toward you, you may be able to get primary custody.
Again, I encourage you to find a good lawyer who has experience dealing with this kind of divorce/custody case. If you really are feeling suicidal, please find a therapist of your own to speak with. Your son needs you. Take care of yourself and make yourself strong again for him.
Kind Regards,
Dr Tara
Fafar,
I recently discovered a web site with a great forum for guys thinking about or actually getting a divorce. It’s called DadsDivorce.com. (Dr T, I hope you don’t the plug.)
Like this site, there’s a ton of useful information there and a great community of regular contributors ready to give you support along the way. You’re NOT ALONE.
There’s one post in particular you should check out. It’s called “THE LIST” and it’s described as “the collective knowledge of the past and present posters…regarding what to do when your marriage is on the cusp of a nasty divorce”
It’s here: http://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divorce_forum/viewtopic.php?t=13374
Getting successfully divorced from an abusive woman, especially if you want custody of your children, is all about preparation, strategy and tactics. You have to think like a general planning a war and be tough and ruthless. It’s hard, I know, because at the same time you’re a wreck, you’re confused, you can’t believe what’s happening, and you want to curl up in a ball and wait until it all blows over. BUT YOU CAN’T.
Get angry and get busy. You’re in a fight for your life.
Good luck!
JP
oops…that was supposed to be: “…don’t mind the plug…”
Hi JP,
I don’t mind at all. Actually, I want to find a divorce/family attorney to collaborate with on a series of articles/possible book specifically for men who are in this position and attorneys who deal with this population.
I’ll check out the link, too.
Cheers,
Dr T
If nothing else there’s a whole new set of acronyms to learn. EOW = Every Other Weekend…who knew?
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