Home > Abusive relationships, Borderline Personality Disorder, Marriage, relationships > 10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully

10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully


mood-swingsDoes your girlfriend or wife yell, scream, and swear at you? Do you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about your relationship because they just wouldn’t understand? Is your relationship making you feel like you’re slowly going crazy?

If so, you’re probably involved with a woman who is an emotionally abusive bully. Most men don’t want to admit that they’re in an abusive relationship. They describe the relationship and their girlfriend/wife using other terms like crazy, emotional, controlling, bossy, domineering, constant conflict, or volatile. If you use words like this to describe your relationship, odds are you’re being emotionally abused.

Do you recognize any of the following behaviors?

1) Bullying. If she doesn’t get her way, there’s hell to pay. She wants to control you and resorts to emotional intimidation to do it. She uses verbal assaults and threats in order to get you to do what she wants. It makes her feel powerful to make you feel bad. People with a Narcissistic personality are often bullies.

Result: You lose your self-respect and feel outnumbered, sad, and alone. You develop a case of Stockholm Syndrome, in which you identify with the aggressor and actually defend her behavior to others.

2) Unreasonable expectations. No matter how hard you try and how much you give, it’s never enough. She expects you to drop whatever you’re doing and attend to her needs. No matter the inconvenience, she comes first. She has an endless list of demands that no one mere mortal could ever fulfill.

Common complaints include: You’re not romantic enough, you don’t spend enough time with me, you’re not sensitive enough, you’re not smart enough to figure out my needs, you’re not making enough money, you’re not FILL IN THE BLANK enough. Basically, you’re not enough, because there’s no pleasing this woman. No one will ever be enough for her, so don’t take it to heart.

Result: You’re constantly criticized because you’re not able to meet her needs and experience a sense of learned helplessness. You feel powerless and defeated because she puts you in no-win situations.

3) Verbal attacks.This is self-explanatory. She employs schoolyard name calling, pathologizing (e.g., armed with a superficial knowledge of psychology she uses diagnostic terms like labile, paranoid, narcissistic, etc. for a 50-cent version of name calling), criticizing, threatening, screaming, yelling, swearing, sarcasm, humiliation, exaggerating your flaws, and making fun of you in front of others, including your children and other people she’s not intimidated by. Verbal assault is another form of bullying, and bullies only act like this in front of those whom they don’t fear or people who let them get away with their bad behavior.

Result: Your self-confidence and sense of self-worth all but disappear. You may even begin to believe the horrible things she says to you.

4) Gaslighting. “I didn’t do that. I didn’t say that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. It wasn’t that bad. You’re imagining things. Stop making things up.” If the woman you’re involved with is prone to Borderline or Narcissistic rage episodes, in which she spirals into outer orbit, she may very well not remember things she’s said and done. However, don’t doubt your perception and memory of events. They happened and they are that bad.

Result: Her gaslighting behavior may cause you to doubt your own sanity. It’s crazy-making behavior that leaves you feeling confused, bewildered, and helpless.

5) Unpredictable responses. Round and round and round she goes. Where she’ll stop, nobody knows. She reacts differently to you on different days or at different times. For example, on Monday, it’s ok for you to Blackberry work email in front of her. On Wednesday, the same behavior is “disrespectful, insensitive, you don’t love me, you’re a self-important jerk, you’re a workaholic.” By Friday, it could be okay for you to Blackberry again.

Telling you one day that something’s alright and the next day that it’s not is emotionally abusive behavior. It’s like walking through a landmine in which the mines shift location.

Result: You’re constantly on edge, walking on eggshells, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is a trauma response. You’re being traumatized by her behavior. Because you can’t predict her responses, you become hypervigilant to any change in her mood or potential outburst, which leaves you in a perpetual state of anxiety and possibly fear. It’s a healthy sign to be afraid of this behavior. It’s scary. Don’t feel ashamed to admit it.

6) Constant Chaos. She’s addicted to conflict. She gets a charge from the adrenaline and drama. She may deliberately start arguments and conflict as a way to avoid intimacy, to avoid being called on her bullshit, to avoid feeling inferior or, bewilderingly, as an attempt to avoid being abandoned. She may also pick fights to keep you engaged or as a way to get you to react to her with hostility, so that she can accuse you of being abusive and she can play the victim. This maneuver is a defense mechanism called projective identification.

Result: You become emotionally punch drunk. You’re left feeling dazed and confused, not knowing which end is up. This is highly stressful because it also requires you to be hypervigilant and in a constant state of defense for incoming attacks.

7) Emotional Blackmail. She threatens to abandon you, to end the relationship, or give you the cold shoulder if you don’t play by her rules. She plays on your fears, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, shame, values, sympathy, compassion, and other “buttons” to control you and get what she wants.

Result: You feel manipulated, used, and controlled.

8 Rejection. She ignores you, won’t look at you when you’re in the same room, gives you the cold shoulder, withholds affection, withholds sex, declines or puts down your ideas, invitations, suggestions, and pushes you away when you try to be close. After she pushes you as hard and as far away as she can, she’ll try to be affectionate with you. You’re still hurting from her previous rebuff or attack and don’t respond. Then she accuses you of being cold and rejecting, which she’ll use as an excuse to push you away again in the future.

Result: You feel undesirable, unwanted, and unlovable. You believe no one else would want you and cling to this abusive woman, grateful for whatever scraps of infrequent affection she shows you.

9) Withholding affection and sex. This is another form of rejection and emotional blackmail. It’s not just about sex, it’s about withholding physical, psychological, and emotional nurturing. It includes a lack of interest in what’s important to you–your job, family, friends, hobbies, activities–and being uninvolved, emotionally detached or shut down with you.

Result: You have a transactional relationship in which you have to perform tasks, buy her things, “be nice to her,” or give into her demands in order to receive love and affection from her. You don’t feel loved and appreciated for who you are, but for what you do for her or buy her.

10) Isolating. She demands or acts in ways that cause you to distance yourself from your family, friends, or anyone that would be concerned for your well-being or a source of support. This typically involves verbally trashing your friends and family, being overtly hostile to your family and friends, or acting out and starting arguments in front of others to make it as unpleasant as possible for them to be around the two of you.

Result: This makes you completely dependent upon her. She takes away your outside sources of support and/or controls the amount of interaction you have with them. You’re left feeling trapped and alone, afraid to tell anyone what really goes on in your relationship because you don’t think they’ll believe you.

You don’t have to accept emotional abuse in your relationship. You can get help or you can end it. Most emotionally abusive women don’t want help. They don’t think they need it. They are the professional victims, bullies, narcissists, and borderlines. They’re abusive personality types and don’t know any other way to act in relationships.

Life is too short to spend one more second in this kind of relationship. If your partner won’t admit she has a problem and agree to get help, real help, then it’s in your best interest to get support, get out, and stay out.

by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Private Consultation and Coaching

I provide confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. My practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit Services and Products for professional inquiries.

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Mood swings on ccmbuzz.

  1. Fafar53
    October 17, 2009 at 10:51 pm

    Comment removed.

    • shrink4men
      October 17, 2009 at 11:05 pm

      Hi Fafar,

      I encourage you to find a good attorney as soon as possible and find legal ways to prevent your wife from alienating your son and protect your custodial rights. Furthermore, if you’ve documented her previous acts of physical violence toward you, you may be able to get primary custody.

      Again, I encourage you to find a good lawyer who has experience dealing with this kind of divorce/custody case. If you really are feeling suicidal, please find a therapist of your own to speak with. Your son needs you. Take care of yourself and make yourself strong again for him.

      Kind Regards,
      Dr Tara

    • jp
      October 18, 2009 at 2:24 am

      Fafar,

      I recently discovered a web site with a great forum for guys thinking about or actually getting a divorce. It’s called DadsDivorce.com. (Dr T, I hope you don’t the plug.)

      Like this site, there’s a ton of useful information there and a great community of regular contributors ready to give you support along the way. You’re NOT ALONE.

      There’s one post in particular you should check out. It’s called “THE LIST” and it’s described as “the collective knowledge of the past and present posters…regarding what to do when your marriage is on the cusp of a nasty divorce”

      It’s here: http://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divorce_forum/viewtopic.php?t=13374

      Getting successfully divorced from an abusive woman, especially if you want custody of your children, is all about preparation, strategy and tactics. You have to think like a general planning a war and be tough and ruthless. It’s hard, I know, because at the same time you’re a wreck, you’re confused, you can’t believe what’s happening, and you want to curl up in a ball and wait until it all blows over. BUT YOU CAN’T.

      Get angry and get busy. You’re in a fight for your life.

      Good luck!

      JP

      • jp
        October 18, 2009 at 2:25 am

        oops…that was supposed to be: “…don’t mind the plug…”

        • shrink4men
          October 18, 2009 at 2:58 am

          Hi JP,

          I don’t mind at all. Actually, I want to find a divorce/family attorney to collaborate with on a series of articles/possible book specifically for men who are in this position and attorneys who deal with this population.

          I’ll check out the link, too.

          Cheers,
          Dr T

          • jp
            October 18, 2009 at 3:27 am

            If nothing else there’s a whole new set of acronyms to learn. EOW = Every Other Weekend…who knew?

      • Fafar53
        October 21, 2009 at 8:49 pm

        Comment removed.

      • Lorenzo
        March 7, 2010 at 7:44 am

        Thanks to Fafar and the Dads Divorce site I came across this article in the site that speaks about BPD/NPD, good stuff : http://www.dadsdivorce.com/component/content/article/33-health/57-how-personality-disorders-drive-family-court-litigation

  2. CC
    October 12, 2009 at 4:54 am

    Thanks to all for your comments. Having (sadly) been through an abusive relationship myself, I know that if I say anything (and I never have) he is likely to turn on me and shut me out. I know I didn’t want to hear it when I was in the middle of it, so I imagine he is in the same position. I can’t stand the idea of leaving him alone to deal with his situation, as I think I am the sole source of true affection/support/encouragement in his life right now….but reading through this list brought me to tears as I can see at least 6 of the 10 manifesting themselves for him right now. He does not know about my previous situation, but perhaps if I tell him about it he will have food for thought. Or maybe I just keep my mouth shut and love him no matter what. He does tend to blame himself, but I know that we are close enought that he knows that I know…if that makes sense. By keeping quiet and accepting him no matter what, I am hoping to send a message that he can think of me as a resource – but it’s hard to stand by and watch what she is doing to him without saying something. Reading this list made me want to send it to him and say ‘wake up’! But we all know that doesn’t work. Thanks for listening. CC.

    • jp
      October 12, 2009 at 12:55 pm

      CC,

      You could always email the list to him anonymously (from a new anon gmail/yahoo account) with a brief ‘untraceable’ comment like “concerned about you…thought you should check out this article”.

      At least you’ll know you’ve done somethimg to get him the info. Whether he wants to swallow the pill and see the matrix is up to him.

      JP

    • SA
      January 28, 2010 at 8:08 pm

      CC,
      Wow … I have the same situation (other than I haven’t been in an abusive relationship) as you. I have a male friend (married to a narcissistic woman) who opened up very candidly to me about her behaviors and attitudes. He tends to be passive 95% of the time; puts up with a lot of mistreatment emotionally. He’s developed health issues (chest pains, high BP) likely as a result of stress (no major risk factors for cardiac problems). I see a different man when she is out of town (I see a relaxed and witty man) vs when she is in town (I see a stressed man, who I hear minimal from and when I do hear from him it’s short and/or abrupt). I worry about him and I just don’t know what to do. It’s so hard to watch a friend be abused in this way. Right now I just assure him that I care.

      • CC
        February 16, 2010 at 2:31 am

        SA,

        OMG! I wonder if we are friends with the same man!! Unfortunately my friend has started to shut me out because his wife throws a tantrum every time she knows that we have any contact. I miss him tremendously but don’t know what to do that won’t make his life worse than it already is. Thanks for your reply, and your support. CC

        • CC
          February 16, 2010 at 3:08 am

          My friend has been scarce lately too; apparently “very stressed”. I too miss my friend and had to cut back on my correspondences (to balance my emotions – take care of myself too). We are only in contact through email (don’t live near each other). The IP (Ice Princess = wife) doesn’t know we’re in contact which is a bonus. The whole situation breaks my heart – a good man wasted on this IP and his recent increase in stress is impacting our friendship. I don’t know how to “reach” him anymore, if that makes sense…

          • CC
            March 3, 2010 at 5:49 am

            Hey SA,

            “to balance my emotions…take care of myself too”….that one really hit home. how do you (or anyone else, please jump in) pick what to do? how do I let him know I will always be there for him, but still deal with the fact that his psycho terrorist wife controls our friendship, and it’s all about him right now? I am so torn. Any advice welcomed. CC.

            • CC
              March 3, 2010 at 6:09 am

              The thing is, now I am paying because his wife is the way she is, and it’s not fair to me – but I care for him to much to just bail. OK, I’m done for tonight. :) Thanks all!

            • SA
              March 4, 2010 at 3:07 am

              CC-
              I don’t know if you ever know if the option you choose is the “right” one. Just today I sent him a note on how I’ve been feeling about the lack of contact lately (as I said, we do not live near each other; never see each other). It took a lot of thought and a few days to write it. I expressed how I’ve been feeling without making any demands on him. It hurts because we have been each other’s rocks for many years now – we have always been there for each other so this lapse in contact has been rough on me. The lapse isn’t due to the narcissistic wife (but the limitations on communication is – I can’t call him). He’s in a bad situation right now (no job) so I tread lightly in terms of what I say. But for the sake of our friendship, I felt that he needed to know how I’ve been feeling (it included feeling sad that I don’t hear from him and also concern for his well being with NO mention on the IP’s behavior). I don’t know if I did the right thing or not (my friend who read the note said I did) so I have to wait and see. It has gotten to the point where I feel like I have nothing left to lose (because I already feel like I lost it all). I pray that he will receive the note in a positive light and realize how much I really do care. It’s all I can do.

              • CC
                March 6, 2010 at 5:05 pm

                Thanks SA. I feel for you. This is just so painful isn’t it….stay around so he knows you’re there for him, and deal with the hurt of not having what you need in a friendship….or bail and leave him alone with the terrorist and lose the friendship entirely..it sucks and isn’t fair. Whine whine whine. :)

        • SA
          March 7, 2010 at 3:29 am

          CC-
          Hope you find this-I had to post on an earlier post you made. The text box would only let me put 1 letter across.
          I did get a quick response to my note that I sent (that I’m worried about him & sad that we’re not in contact much). He did respond briefly that he needed time to think about it and a send a response which is fine. I want him to think about it first. It was a long note & I referred to some times in our past. I don’t know if expressing your concern for your friend in the form of a note would help or not. Other than the obvious (his wife is a tyrant) is the other problem his lack of contact with you? Obviously I don’t know the dynamics of your friendship with him so how you approach it depends on those dynamics. For me, my friend & I have admitted to deep feelings for each other (but won’t act on them; we use those feelings as each other’s emotional support network) so writing a note like that was appropriate for me to do. I have to admit I was scared to send the note but once I did, I felt much better inside knowing that he knows how I’ve been feeling. If part of your problem with him now is lack of contact, consider if he would be receptive to a note that states you are worried about him, sad you’re not in contact etc … but don’t mention that you are worried about the impact of his tyrant wife on him. Has he told you a lot about her treatment towards him or is it what you’ve observed?

      • CC
        March 7, 2010 at 5:10 am

        Hey SA,

        Good call on replying to an earlier message! I don’t know how to describe my problem with my friend. It seems like such a complicated story. The bottom line is, his wife is extremely jealous of me and doesn’t allow him to be in contact with me – but he does it anyhow during business hours, when she’s out of town, etc. This has become frustrating for me, because I need a friend who is my friend all the time, not just when it’s convenient for him (even though I understand the cause.) I tried to bring up my concern over her control of him, and the fact that it was hurting me, but he got really angry and said that he loves her, he’s happy, and it’s easier for him to forego his friends than to put up with the constant fighting that happens when he does see them (by the way, I tried to include her at first, but was either ignored or so rudely treated that I put a stop to that.) Although he says it’s easier for him that way he doesn’t seem to want to let me go, so I have to either totally cut him off or accept the friendship on his terms – which is painful for me as I never know if I’ll be able to count on him or if he’s going to cave in to his wife and blow me off. There’s much more to it than this, of course, but that’s the reader’s digest. CC.

        • CC
          March 7, 2010 at 5:15 am

          I didn’t answer your other question. He used to complain about his wife frequently (especially when drinking) – how nothing he did was good enough, she controls him, etc, but even more is how I see her treating him (like a dog/imbecile/pool boy), his reactions when she’s away, his growing health problems, his horrible self esteem, his reaction to true affection…I could go on and on. It’s horrible to watch. CC.

        • SA
          March 13, 2010 at 1:14 am

          CC-
          I understand your frustrations in terms of contact. I have similar limitations; our only form of contact is email (since we live many miles apart we can’t even meet for coffee or lunch). I don’t think your friend’s contact is a result of convenience to him, but more a limitation placed on him (I deal with the same thing and it is frustrating). Maybe thinking of it that way would help a little (that’s how i have to think about it). I have known my buddy for decades and I resent that the communication with him is dictated by a self-absorbed jealous woman who I don’t think ever really loved him (several things he’s told me are strong indicators of that). You said he has health problems; what are they? And what is his reaction to true affection?

          • CC
            March 29, 2010 at 9:37 pm

            Hi SA, Sorry about the long time to respond. I always appreciate your posts because they help me feel supported but sometimes I just have to leave it alone for a while. No, of course you’re right about the contact being about limitations being placed on him – I think if he had his way, we’d hang out every day! But that doesn’t make it any less frustrating…I mean, what about what I need from our friendship? Why does everything have to revolve around her and her tantrums/jealousy/controlling and isolating behavior? It’s not fair, and if I didn’t know and sympathize with the cause I’d have been gone long ago. He has insomnia and high blood pressure that he blames on work….yeah, ok, whatever, interesting that a job that bores him is creating all these problems. And when it comes to affection – from me at least- he reacts to a touch on the arm, a hug, or hearing nice, positive things about himself (which I see no need to hold back, I think he is a magnificent human being and don’t mind saying so) like a starving man who’s just been given some food. It makes me mad, sad and frustrated all at once. When he says to me “no one ever says or does these kind of things for me” I want to SCREAM “don’t you think that’s what you deserve from someone who’s supposed to love you?” arrgh. Thanks for listening.

            • Josh
              May 23, 2014 at 1:11 pm

              I can’t believe what I’m reading! This is so my wife! I’m about to end things after 3 years of marriage. But I keep staying because of my 1 year son and she is about to have my other son in June. Should I stay because of the kids? I do think we have had a week that has gone by that we were not fighting about something. I’m to the point where I’m about to go crazy! I can have any friends and I can’t even go with my brothers anywhere because she always said I’m not with her! I was going to the gym before I was with her but I can’t go now! She calls me selfish when I bring things up like me wanting to do them things. I mean my own family hates her because I can’t ever do anything with them! I’m asking for anyone’s help! What do I do?

              • Eugene
                May 24, 2014 at 5:16 am

                Josh,
                I feel your pain. If you do not demand respect you will not get it. You need to do things with your family. I’m in the same boat. My wife won’t let me take my son to my family’s house, so I take my daughter with me instead. You or someone in your family could die tomorrow. Here is exactly what I do now. I would tell her exactly what your going to do with your family. Invite her to come along and take the kids. If she will not let you, still go see your family. Keep your standards high and don’t lower yourself to her level. Let her know her behavior is not acceptable and you will do whatever you want anyway. You take her power away and she has nothing. Do not leave her and be there for both your sons. If she chooses to leave you after your new found demanding respect attitude, then that’s her problem. In the end, you will be happier either way. We can not do the same thing over and over and expect different results. If you want change, then change yourself first. Also, pray to God to lead the way. God bless!

        • SA
          March 30, 2010 at 2:34 am

          CC-No problem on the response time. I know you need to separate yourself from it sometimes.
          It isn’t fair that your friendship/contact limitations are dictated by her. Unfortunately, he is choosing to allow it; likely be default because the ramifications are otherwise brutal for him. It may take separating yourself completely (ie: no contact) for him to realize the impact it is having on your friendship. Difficult to do, I know.
          It revolves around her because she is self-absorbed and she objectifies everyone around her. She has no empathy therefore she has no concept of putting herself in the other’s shoes. She thinks everyone on this earth was put here to cater to her. (Read “Narcissistic Lovers” or “Loving the Self-Absorbed” to better understand what he deals with).
          I understand wanting to say “YOU DESERVE BETTER”. I want to say the same to my friend too. He has told me of some abominal behaviors on her part that I am not comfortable posting publicly that truly make me sick. It is complicated by the fact that I do love him deeply (and vice versa) and would love to be able to give him those basic human needs that he so desparately misses in his life. I worry for his health; that he will be one of those 50-somethings that die of a heart attack suddenly because of the constant stress. He never gets to relax when she is around because of constant complaining and attention getting tactics. She refuses to do the things that he needs to relax him (neck massages, kisses on the neck, etc) and he has told me there is zero passion between them.
          I think there is nothing wrong with your positive gestures towards him. He needs that to balance the negatives in his live (or at least buffer the negatives some) whether he will admit it or not. I would guess that deep down, he knows how important you are to him but is clouded by the other issues in his life. Tough stuff, I know. I feel your pain, CC.

          • July 16, 2010 at 11:06 pm

            CC & SA:

            Ditto, ditto ditto…I totally get what you are saying. Just remember, he is avoiding you / limiting contact for his own survival / sanity.
            In my case, my friend started saying things to me…so having been through emotional abuse from my mother, sister, a so-called female so-called friend, and my AXH, I wrote down a list of what he’d said about her behavior (I haven’t actually met her), and also some of the things he said about himself. I haven’t given him the list yet…but I have given him two packets of information from this and a few other websites (I owe you big time, Dr. T)…I don’t believe he’s read any of it yet, but he’s been very gracious about it…and he knows that he has it, just in case. That’s how I framed it – In case things get really bad / go back to the way they were before (he let her know he wasn’t sure about staying with her…so she went into ‘helpless waif’ ‘please don’t leave me’ mode, but her true self has been cracking through. I’m still taking notes…not sure if he’d be mad at me for pointing it out or what…I’m waiting, hoping he sees the light, care about him (and yes, he’s also a phenomenal man), and brace for given him the actual This is Your Life experiences typed up, should he decide to cut me out altogether. It is hard…and I can almost pinpoint the exact place where he is, based on what I remembered thinking and feeling about my ex.
            I have trouble remembering to take care of me, as well. I have to forcefully keep myself from spending way too much time on websites like this!!
            You take care, hang in there…do what you have to do…just as he cannot force his wife to treat him well, neither can you force him to see the light, until he’s truly ready. God Bless,

  3. CC
    October 11, 2009 at 5:27 am

    If one can see that a friend is being abused by his wife, what is the best help/support that a (female) friend can provide?

    • Kev
      October 11, 2009 at 4:42 pm

      Hi CC,

      Unfortunately, the best I can tell you is “I’m not sure.” I don’t know that direct interventions help (my sister tried, but I wasn’t ready to hear what she had to say), and other friends of mine (female), while concerned about me at the time I was in the thick of things, were unable to reach me. I’d completely isolated myself from them, lest my ex think I was cheating on her with them (all women were off-limits for me to interact with, even if they were lesbians!).

      The best I can tell you is to be there for him if he approaches you, and/or if/when the relationship ends. He will need friends. In the meantime, I’d let him know that you’re a resource should he need one, but I’d do it in a subtle manner so as not to arouse suspicion of the wife.

      I don’t know the situation, but he may not be ready to talk about it yet, or even acknowledge the abuse. It’s a little difficult for us, because it’s rather heavily reinforced in our culture that men are ALWAYS the abuser, and he may be blaming himself for making her angry. Additionally, there are, regretfully, masculinity issues that come up in that men aren’t “supposed to” let themselves be abused, much less by a woman. This will mess with one’s ideas of what it means to be a man, and may make him again deeply question what it is he’s doing wrong, even though it may be (and probably is) nothing at all.

      You’re in a tough spot. But by being there for him when he’s ready for it, you can be a tremendous friend and resource for him. He’s lucky to know you, and will (hopefully) realize just how lucky one day.

      I hope this helps a little.

      Others here may have different takes on it.

      • shrink4men
        October 11, 2009 at 5:56 pm

        Hi CC and Kev,

        I completely agree with Kev’s advice (thank you, Kev!)

        Trying to tell a friend or family member that you’re concerned for him because of his choice of mate is usually a no-win situation. If he’s not ready to hear it yet, he’ll become defensive and defend his gf/fiancee/wife. Even worse, he may repeat what you’ve said about her and then you’ll be cut out of his life entirely.

        It’s kind of like telling an addict that he has a problem with drink or other substances. The addict will deny, minimize, lie or become angry or defensive about his/her drug/alcohol use.

        Also like addicts, men who are involved with this kind of woman have to hit rock bottom before they can begin to dig their way out. It’s painful to witness as a third party who cares about the person who’s harming himself in an abusive relationship.

        Like Kev wrote, try to be there when he needs support and try to be there without judgment.

        Kind Regards,
        Dr Tara

        • Chris
          October 16, 2012 at 1:07 am

          It’s irrelevant, the abuser never see’s any wrong in their actions. Apologies aren’t meant as they should be. Humility is an alien concept.

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    October 1, 2009 at 5:54 pm

    Hi, I really like this web-site, I just found it this morning.
    I was with what I thought “the last woman that I wanted to be with”, well it happens that we were together for 3 years, and every few months and sometimes weeks it will be a roaller-coaster, ups and downs were the daily dish in our relationship. I come from a family that respect everyone regardless of their believes. This person was so insecure about herself that she had a breast implant and a nose surgery, because she wasn’t happy with her appareance and even she was looking beautiful, she’ll still complain about her figure or way she look. I’m 34 yeras old and she was 10 years older than me and I didn’t care because I love her, but every time she will get upset, she will just insult me and wish I was dead, and she’ll wih for me to get STDs, she will said to me that I was a very bad person, I was not good looking, that she is happier when she is not with me and things like that.

    Then when we used to get back together, she’ll not remember she said all those things or she’ll said that were not a bad intentions to offende me.
    I have ever say anything bad or spitfull to her even when she said all those things to me. One night she went just crazy screaming at me and try to slap me several times on my face, just because I didn’t want to let her review my cell phone. I don’t check her stuff and I believe that people’s computers and cell phones are private.
    Also, she was all the time saying that she had never have a problems getting guys, that she was always popular with guys. I never understood the point of why if you’re with someone that you love, so why to said those things?
    She will be so upset with me if people from work say hi to me at the mall, or if people at the gym that we used to go say hi or try to start a conversation with me. She will just try to leave me and go home and my punishment from her was that I wasn’t going to see her for a few days.
    We just broke up about 2 weeks ago and I’m trying my best to do not contact her for anything, one day I send her a text saying that I love her, and boom!! she immediately reply with 15 texts saying all those things again, insults, threats, she will even said to me that she wish me dead with all her heart, and all what she wanted for me was pain and nothing good. She even told me that she was “going out with 2 guys” right now and she was very happy…The sad part is that when we met we were both married and I got divorced to be with here and she is still with her husband “separated”. i don’t regret my divorce….
    I didn’t do anything bad to her, I ever got to insult her nor to raise my voice, I lost friends, I quit the gym, I stop talking to people, I stop inviting my family to coming over, I was so away from my 2 kids that my older son was getting very indifferent towards me (my relationship with my kids is getting much better), I stop playing softball so she could see that I really wanted to be with her and spend all my time and energies on her. I started going to therapy and I’m very nervous, and having anxiety, I can’t hardly sleep anymore and I start drinking beer, thing I always have hate for my entire life, but it help me to relax and sleep better.
    She said that she doesn’t love me anymore and I’m just devastated with this, I know I’m still fighting with my feelings and I’m neglecting myself to see the reality.
    All what I have in my head is one thought “WHY?” I have ever een with anyone that is so irrational and that doesn’t want to face me, all the insults and communications are done via text messaging!! sometimes is so bad that I feel everything is my fault and that I’m the one to be blame for…Why? I don’t understand..

    • jham123
      October 2, 2009 at 3:02 pm

      @Sela

      Damn Sela, She’s got “it” bad. You need to read every article that Dr. T has posted on this blog. Start in January and read read read.

      Once you get into ~March, you’ll stop with the “why” and you’ll start to understand.

      Welcome to the healing side of this sickness. It takes work, but you’ll do it as your sanity has no other choice.

    • T
      January 22, 2013 at 2:57 am

      It sucks now Sela, I went through a similiar situationm and decided to get some therapy. Within a couple weeks I’m back to me, confident, strong and hitting the gym harder than ever..The best advice my therapist said (who I no-longer need) was “You’re trying to have a rational relationship with an irrational person; it just doesn’t work.” Screw her bud, let her make someone elase miserable after a couple monthes…Get your life back!!

  5. Jim R
    September 28, 2009 at 5:35 pm

    My wife just asked me to find a map to a dental appointment. She gave me two addresses and I accidentally entered the wrong one on Google Maps as I didn’t fully understand her request plus I have visual limitations so I couldn’t clearly see what she gave me. She proceeded to scream at me claiming I did it purposely and how stupid I am. This behavior and other verbal abuse has been happening for more years than I care to admit. I am 68 and am in the process of getting a legal separation and can’t wait until I complete the paperwork and get it filed with the court. Once it is official I am moving over three thousand miles to get away from her, once away and after 6 months a lawyer advised me to file for the divorce. I have stuck with her because of the kids but they are all grown so I am about out of here.

    • Carter223
      March 14, 2011 at 5:06 am

      I just ran accross this website and saw your post. This is exactly my wife. She just lost an earring that was valuable to her and blamed me for not noticing it wasn’t on her. Tell me, did you try to get counselling? I am in my 30’s and cannot imagine enduring this until my 60’s if it does not get better. I love her very much and want it to be for better or for worse but feel like i have to give her to opportunity to change.

      • george
        June 11, 2011 at 1:05 pm

        Hi Carter223, You are still young in your thirties. I’m 50 now and have endured about 10 years of abuse from my wife. Much of the abuse continued because I wasn’t willing or strong enough to confront my wife’s obsessive, controlling behavior. If things aren’t getting better, and you are trying hard, consider that she has a serious problem. Try to get professional help (from someone who understands abuse) to get strong. Don’t be duped into thinking you alone are the problem. If things keep getting worse, be careful. In my case, my wife eventually got a restraining order on me claiming all kinds of crazy things, and my nightmare began.

    • just
      December 30, 2012 at 8:45 pm

      I have three helpless children with my wife. We probably in the same boat. How many years have you had to endure before deciding to divorce your wife? Would you have done it when your children were small?

      • Matt
        December 30, 2012 at 9:32 pm

        Hi Just.. I know you’re pain .. Mine was accumulative.. We met in 1995 actually and got married in 2002..& thats when it got really bad.. She decided that she could say most anything that she wanted to me including calling me every name in the book..and treat me like dirt.. and then she wondered what was wrong ?? I left shortly after we got married, but being the sucker that i am/was I went back and this is the final; time as far as I am concerned.. I don’t want back persay..but in my case I have to carry on a biz relationship with her ass somehow ?? which is my personal challenge because it doesn’t take her very long to get back into the abuse saddle again and start cracking her whip and being ugly to me and arguing like an imbecile with a lobotomy.. Soooo to answer your question.. Its taken me 10 years.. Now with children,, that the worst case scenario and I am sure she is using them as pawns.. The case still stands though.. The sooner you can break off relations and contact the better if its bad..or you can plan your escape like I did and put up with her crap and abuse and secretly & finally make a run from it with the kids.. I wish you the very best of luck and coming to these boards and talking to friends to boost your self worth is absolutely beneficial and necessary.. I sat around and figured I could take it all again and it always ended up with me being treated like dirt.. I got out of that torture ..Again Good Luck !

  6. Lost
    September 28, 2009 at 5:03 am

    I’ve been with my girlfriend for just over 2 years now. At times she can be so sweet and caring then something goes wrong and its game over. When she becomes upset I feel as if she wants to stay upset and use me as a punching bag. If she becomes the slightest bit upset I’m just too worried to say anything right to her and try to think of what I should do. If a few mins go by she becomes enraged and says I should have said something right away or something to make her feel better. The problem is, I feel as if nothing I say will make her feel better. I’m always accused of not knowing how to talk to her and being unemotional because I try to remain as calm as possible while shes upset. She will then call me names, scream at me and most of the time will not let me touch her and look away from me.

    I try to talk to her and offer suggestions of what we can do but it usually ends with her mocking me and saying I should have done something right away and not let her get so upset. It often gets to the point where she’ll drive away or walk away from me and disappear until eventually she agrees to meet up with me somewhere, usually to scream more at me. She tells me she gets upset because I don’t know how to talk to her but when I try she mocks me and tells me to stop repeating myself because it turns into her not looking at me and me telling her I’m sorry for upsetting her so much, that I’m an idiot, and I love her very much. Her response: I don’t care and I should know how to fix things, especially since I’ve been with her for over 2 years. There is so much more that she does as well but is too much for me to type

    Anyways I just wanted to say thank you for the article. I feel better knowing I’m not alone. I’d like to end things however it becomes hard when she becomes sweet again and makes me feel like she really loves me. I know what I should do, however I’m just too scared to do it.

    • Kev
      September 28, 2009 at 2:22 pm

      Lost –

      I’ve been there.

      Unfortunately, you’re in a damned if you do, damned if you don’t scenario. My ex did this to me, as well. If I were to speak at the beginning of her rages, then I was accused of trying to “shut her down” and “not letting her feel her emotions” (or some variant thereof – I don’t remember her exact words, and if you wonder how bad it was, I’m making this disclaimer, because I can still her in my head accusing me of “lying” because I’m not relating this anecdote to you EXACTLY as it happened).

      The “you don’t know how to talk to me” thing is particularly troublesome, and the best I can tell you is to agree with her. You don’t. But the thing is, it’s not a failure on your part, it’s because she’s irrational.

      I understand your fear to terminate things. I stayed in a lot longer than I should have. I promise you, things ARE better on the other side.

      Good luck…

    • Mr. E
      September 28, 2009 at 2:28 pm

      Lost –

      Yeah, that sounds about right. My wife doesn’t accuse me of being unemotional, but she DOES get mad when I stop talking because there’s no way to be right. I can’t recall what she accuses me of when I do that – I think I just get scolded for it along with everything else.

      Does she live with you? If not, I suggest changing the locks, change your phone number and email address and go on with your life.

      I understand the fear of leaving. Once when we’d been dating for maybe six months, she got the impression from something I said that I was leaving her. Man, the rage came out. It was scary and for some stupid reason I stayed with her instead of ACTUALLY dumping her. She also used to say (in a sweet voice, of course) that if I ever broke her heart she’d kill me.

      Friend, it’s really that bad. The sweet side is the fake side. Get out while you can without needing lawyers. ;)

    • Durpulous
      November 15, 2011 at 5:57 pm

      This comment and the above article match what I’ve gone through almost word for word. My now ex-girlfriend kicked me out of our apartment recently after having moved in together only three months ago. It was the fifth or sixth time she has “broken up” with me over the past couple of months (I’ve begun to lose count). I’ve tried so hard to please her and accommodate her and nothing has worked, and it’s refreshing to hear that there wasn’t, in fact, anything I could have done to fix the situation without sacrificing who I am.

      After telling me to get out, she has since been constantly calling and texting me telling me she’s sorry and that she wants to stay together. This is the pattern with her and I almost fell for it again. I kept trying to find something wrong with myself or my behavior in order to justify hers.

      After coming here I feel much better about beginning to move on. If I ever start to miss her, I simply reread this article and I am instantly reminded of all the times she made me feel stupid, helpless and defenseless.

      • Dani
        November 21, 2011 at 5:25 am

        Please don’t get back together with her. For your own sanity.

        • Durpulous
          November 21, 2011 at 3:54 pm

          Haha trust me, I’m not planning on doing any such thing.

  7. Keith
    September 20, 2009 at 8:29 am

    My wife of 8 years exhibits most of these traits to varying degrees. She doesn’t insult me though; in fact, she compliments me a lot and likes to do little things for me often. She’s just got a major attitude problem. I’ve been unhappy since right after we got married because she immediately started acting emotionally abusive.

    My father was mildly emotionally abusive, but my mother was very loving yet always took his side because she loves him so much.
    Anyways, girls like this are attracted to me I think because I have a quiet disposition, making me an easy target. I just don’t seem to be able to function in a relationship with a smart, fun, and positive-attitude girl. It’s like I click with them at first, and then I don’t know how to keep it going — like I never learned how.

    I haven’t left my wife mostly because I truly feel sorry for her. She is actually a good person buried under a heavy load of insecurity and bitterness. This good person appears throughout the week. But trivial things constantly cause the ugliness to surface (like there’s no more milk and she wants cereal or somebody looked at her and didn’t smile) and just ruins everything. I’ve decided not to have kids because of her (assuming I stay with her).
    God I should really just kick her to the curb but I can’t get myself to do it.

    Well, my question is — What does it say about men who are with these women? And can they change? How?

    • shrink4men
      September 20, 2009 at 1:35 pm

      Hi Keith,

      I’m sorry to read you so unhappy. It’s been my experience that pity is never a good basis for a relationship. The fact that you don’t want to have children with your wife (especially if you actually want to have a family) is a pretty strong statement.

      What does it say about men who are with these women? There isn’t a universal answer to this question. Oftentimes, men are attracted to these women because they’re replication the relationship they observed between their parents or were emotionally abused by one or both their parents. Some men are fixers/knights in shining armor who want to save these women (probably also related to early childhood). Some men have reasonably healthy childhoods/families and get sucked in by the power of their abusive wife/gf’s personality and develop a kind of Stockholm syndrome. Some men desperately want out, but feel trapped (kids, finances) or feel sorry for their wife/gf.

      Yes, most of these men, including you, can change. First, you need to acknowledge it’s an unhealthy relationship, understand what attracts you to this woman and find healthier ways to get those needs met. It’s a process. You’re not doomed to have this same relationship again. Emotional abuse is probably your “comfort” level because it’s familiar. If you really want to be in a healthy loving relationship, you’re going to have to ride out the eventual discomfort you feel with non-abusive women.

      What’s your belief system re: relationships? You already said that you believe you “don’t know how to keep a healthy relationship going.” That’s one belief. Another belief is that you’re an “easy target.” What happens when you’re with a smart, fun, positive-attitude girl? What’s the fear or the turn-off? Do you believe you deserve to be treated badly? Do you believe love is supposed to hurt? Do you believe there’s something wrong with you, some hidden affliction that makes you undeserving of love? I encourage you to explore your belief system. If you change your beliefs it will probably go along way toward changing the kinds of relationships you have. I encourage you to seek some support and think these things through. Just because you have a history of being with emotionally abusive women doesn’t mean your fated to do so for the rest of your life.

      Kind Regards,
      Dr Tara

      • Tired
        September 24, 2012 at 11:13 pm

        What do you do when your in this type of relationship and read these stories and decide to have her read them ? That happened to me , and all I got was “I’m sorry you feel that way”. and things just continue the same , mine is a long story but this is the question I have to just “break the ice “

        • Free at Last
          October 2, 2012 at 9:00 pm

          Tired, I hear you, but I believe it was a mistake to have your partner read these stories. Disordered women firmly believe that they are “OK” and that everyone else (especially you) is at fault. In my case, my ex shamed and belittled me extensively for even hinting that her behaviour might be problematic in our relationship (even though she was behaving like a 5-year-old girl).

          You’ll see this over and over again as you read through the comments on this site: the only (and I mean ONLY) solution is to quietly develop an escape plan, pack your things, and get the hell out of there. No reasons, no explanations, no justifications. Just leave and don’t look back. Yeah, it’s really hard when you’ve developed strong feelings for your partner, but there’s just no other way.

          BTW, it helps to leave new comments on the LAST comments page, rather than replying to comments dating back three years. Quote the old comment if it’s appropriate, but try to maintain the chronological order.

  8. Mr. E
    September 14, 2009 at 9:49 pm

    I was going through the journal I keep of her nastiness to remind myself things really are that bad. As I was going through, I remembered another event and wondered if it might be common, and if it’s as rude as I think:

    I was working near her office for about a week, so we made plans to go to lunch. Every time we met for lunch, she’d bring a co-worker. That might be fine, but the part that sucked was that she and her co-worker would then spend the entire lunch gossiping about other co-workers (people I don’t even know) and discussing their work stuff. She has a specialized field, so it was impossible for me to join in the conversation. So essentially, I got to go watch her and her friend have a conversation during lunch. It was like I wasn’t there.

    Also, I wonder if everyone dealing with these kind of people have had some variation on the “wire hanger” fight. Eg. she says, “How come all my clothes are on wire hangers while yours are on the plastic ones you horrible, cruel, passive aggressive person you!” Meanwhile, when she bothers to help put away clothes, she can’t expend the effort to turn my clothes right side out…

  9. Matt
    September 1, 2009 at 7:56 pm

    Seriously – where have you hidden the camera in my house?

    My BPD wife at this very moment is in the psychiatric ward at our local hospital as a result of her second suicide attempt.

    I don’t know how much more of her BPD, anxiety, depression, OCD, eating disorders and IBS I can tolerate.

    Sites such as this both provide some relief that I am not crazy – but at the same time don’t give me much home for a future with her.

    • shrink4men
      September 1, 2009 at 8:36 pm

      Hi Matt,

      No hidden camera—I swear! It’s just that these women are all hatched from the same pod, so to speak. That’s why there’s so much similarity in their behaviors.

      Suicidal gestures take the toxicity these women exude to a whole other horrible level. You have my sympathy. I don’t know how you hang in there. I absolutely believe in “for better or worse,” but believe these women cross a line that makes these vows null and void. Abuse is not “for worse,” it’s a violation and breaks the other vows “to love, honor and cherish.”

      I encourage you to consider how much more of your life you want to devote to her unrelenting pathology and abusive behaviors.

      Kind Regards,
      Dr Tara

      • Rick in Denver
        July 9, 2012 at 4:43 am

        Dr. T.
        Your insights are a Godsend. Amazing. Can you address this: We have been to two counselors. BOTH completely “missed it’ as far as diagnosing BPD. The first was SURE I was doing something to provoke all this behavior. I can own up to my mistakes. But this kind of “kill a rabbit with an H-BOMB” reaction to the smallest slight: no. I did not cause that. The counselor just made excuses for her and said, “she just needs to be understood.” It got nowhere. The second one was FAR worse: He ASSURED me that everything she felt was 100% valid- and none of my facts, truth or viewpoint was needed or welcome. Her behavior was all due (somehow) to me not “validating” her feelings. GOOD GRIEF. Validating, understanding, discussing etc. was ALL I did… “mr. sensitive nice guy” does NOT work! This counselor concluded that the problem was Me not “understanding her feelings.”
        WOW. how do you address this?
        OH – I finally got a counselor was was not an idiot. He called it right from the first session: borderline personality disorder and likely narcasistic disorder. FINALLY, someone who gets it.

        • Mellaril
          July 9, 2012 at 8:03 pm

          •Why Couples Counseling Rarely Works with Narcissistic and Borderline Women (September 28, 2009)

          •How to Find a Good Therapist If You Are Involved with an Emotionally Abusive Woman (October, 14, 2009)

        • Tom
          August 19, 2014 at 10:04 am

          Wow Rick me too. My wife and i had been to many counselors and it was always I didn’t understand her feelings or her love language etc.In truth you can’t understand her. We will have been married 20 years in Nov. but in that time she has alienated my family and is in constant conflict with her own. She has given me IBS and other stress issues. I have been verbally abused and beaten up with her words for years. When she doesn’t get ALL the attention she punishes me by leaving. Only by leaving do I get rest and feel whole. Then she wonders why I don’t fall back in her lap and lick her face that she comes back. This time she left and moved in with an old boyfriend! Yup she did it this time! Oh and “she never met” for that to happen it just happened and of course its not her fault had I, been a good husband met her needs she would not be sleeping with him!! LOL REALLY?? OMG! My family has only tolerated her my eldest son despises her. I thought at first he was the problem because she did help raise them and at times was good to them but again only for her own devices.Her agenda is always HERSELF. She has no sympathy or empathy for anyone but herself. I just stumbled on this site and OMG I am so sure now about her. The most recent counselor I am seeing quickly ID that she is probably borderline narcissistic. Funny thing was months earlier I was helping her with a college paper on the subject and realized I thought the subject matter described her.

  10. Johnathan
    August 28, 2009 at 12:04 am

    Hi Dr. T

    I just got out of two year relationship with my ex who I finally realize has been extremely emotionally abusive towards me. so much so that im too drained to even write all the numerous times she made me feel like no matter what i did, it would never be enough. I just want to thank you for having a website like this and me being able to see I am not the only one.

    • shrink4men
      August 28, 2009 at 12:49 am

      Hi Johnathan,

      Congratulations on getting out. Thank you for the kind feedback. I’m glad my site has been helpful to you.

      Kind Regards,
      Dr Tara

    • Healing
      November 8, 2011 at 3:50 am

      Thank You…Me Too..I thought I was alone, I knew I wasn’t really …. Was very healing reading everybody’s experiences and reinforcing my understanding or rather re-establishing my understanding that this stuff is “real” and it wasn’t all a bad dream…on my way to healling now.

  11. Ben
    August 3, 2009 at 4:22 pm

    I´ve just come out of a year long distance relationship that was nothing short of a small nightmare.
    My ex started off the proceedings by filling my head aabout her ex, what he did, what he earned, who he dated e.t.c. She would meet strangers on the street and want to go to their parties and called me controlling if I didn´t like the idea.
    Any sign of an ex girlfriend of mine, no matter how long ago it was, caused trouble right away.
    She would call me late at night to tell me about guys who hit on her and would be drunk nearly every weekend.
    I can´t recall one weekend that we saw each other that something wouldnt kick off and I constantly found myself on the wrong end of an arguement and walking on egg shells.
    If anybody wrote anything on my Facebook, it was trouble, if a pretty girl walked past me on the street it was trouble.
    She tried to cancel holidays if I wasnt happy with the way she acted and used her looks as a way to constantly keep me on strings.
    Every other week she had a different idea about how our relationship would go and when she eventually broke up, said she made a huge mistake, fixed it and did the same shortly afterwards.
    Most elements of myself, down to my looks, earnings, lifestyle e.t.c were down graded to the point I was wondering what she was doing with me.
    Now she it calling every now and then and texting and to be honest i´m badly damaged from this.
    She lied a lot about small things so I´m not 100% sure what was really going on.
    I did my best on all aspects and tried to reason so many times or make my point clear that I wasnt happy with her behaviour and got a small “sorry” only to get a full revolt afterwards.
    No really sure what to do now with my brain and feelings as I still love her even though she has told me she started dating already..why I needed to know that, I´ll never know.

    • shrink4men
      August 4, 2009 at 2:48 am

      Hi Ben,

      Thank your lucky stars you’re out and remember every hurtful thing she said and did to you when she comes sniffing back around looking for attention.

      You don’t still love her. That’s part of the brainwashing number she did on you. The woman you think you love never existed in the first place. You were in love with a phantom. The real woman is the pathologically jealous, hurtful creature who’s left you reeling. Whenever you catch yourself thinking or uttering, “I still love her,” challenge this faulty belief. Is she a good person? Did she treat you with kindness and respect? Did she behave in a loving manner? Did she demonstrate her care in small gestures? Would you be in love with a stranger who treated you the way she did? No? Then odds are you’re probably not really in love with her, but trying to convince yourself that what you felt was love otherwise why would you put up with her abusive behavior for as long as you did?

      I hope I’m not being too harsh, but these women are NOT lovable. You were programmed to believe that and now you need to deprogram yourself. You can do it. Get some support. Figure out what attracted you to this woman. Work through it and then move on. Please check back and let me know how you’re doing.

      Kind Regards,
      Dr Tara

  12. weary and tired
    August 2, 2009 at 2:50 am

    I married my wife when I was 16 and she was 18 and I am now 40. Our relationship has had its ups and downs but lately it has turned violent.

    We have a 23 year old that just recently left the home because she couldn’t live by the rules I had in my home. She was smoking pot and had men staying the night with her. Now my 15 year old is exhibiting some of the same behavior. I try to enforce rules but my wife tells me to shut up.

    I really do love my wife and children but the other day when my wife complained that our daughter was very disrespectful to her that day I told her I didn’t want to hear it. That was the first time I got hit in about 5 years.

    My wife never follows through and when something I consider a deal breaker with our daughter I am told I am over reacting.

    My daughter never comes home on time and has boys in her room with the door closed and my wife thinks I am unreasonable when I get upset.

    The other day she came home from my other daughters place and she had blood shot drooping eyes. I knew she was high on something so I confronted her.

    My wife told me to shut up and leaver her alone which led to an argument that ended in me getting slapped very hard. My nose hurt for 3 days after that and I had to make an excuse at work as my face was scratched.

    I am at my wits end but being married at 16 I am very scared. I know nothing else but I can’t be apart of a destructive relationship that is getting worse.

    Its not easy raising teenagers today and not having ground rules is a losing battle. I am not in a very good position to leave but I can if I need to.

    • shrink4men
      August 4, 2009 at 12:00 am

      Hi weary and tired,

      You have my sympathy. It appears to be a very toxic family dynamic. First, I applaud you for trying to establish appropriate boundaries for your children while they’re in your home. It must have been incredibly frustrating to have your wife undermine you while watching your children experiment with behaviors that they’re not mature enough for and unhealthy. And now your wife appears to getting high with your older daughter. Great role model.

      Apparently, your wife only wants your parenting input when she wants you to back up one of her few parental limits. I’m surprised by your wife’s surprise by your younger daughter’s disrespectful attitude toward her. Your wife is openly disrespectful toward you and lets them do whatever they want. It appears she’s now reaping what she’s sown.

      As for your wife’s physically violent behavior toward you—NOT GOOD. I empathize with your fear of ending what’s probably the only adult relationship you’ve ever known, but what you describe is profoundly unhealthy—for you and your children.

      Speaking of dealbreakers, physical violence trumps not following through. I wish you strength and courage in making your decision regarding whether to stay in this relationship. Before you say anything to your wife, I encourage you to consult with a family attorney who specializes in high conflict cases and father’s rights. I hate to say this, but it may be too late for your children. The oldest one seems out of control and the younger one seems to be following in her footsteps with the permission of your wife. 40 is NOT old. If you opt for a healthier life and a new relationship with a kind, loving and respectful partner, you can have a second chance at another family.

      Kind Regards,
      Dr Tara

  13. JustAnotherSorryGuy
    July 28, 2009 at 6:34 am

    Dear VeryPatientMan,

    ‘…I have been milking it with because I have no desire to touch her. ‘

    Few men in healthy relationships will understand this. Unfortunately, I can relate to this only to well. For so long in our relationship I have been trying to thaw her “huffs.” Tried to be affectionate and physical. I used to find sex very healing. It would be very intimate, warm and affectionate. I could never stay angry.

    For years in our relationship sex has been used as a weapon, and there are several ways a woman can do this,

    In the latter years my wife stopped making direct advances, relying on sending out signals which I respond to. I am sure that this is a power thing, admitting that she wants sex would be admitting weakness.

    Currently I don’t want to touch my wife at all. I am certain that she wants sex in bed at night – I am well tuned into her signals. However, I have no desire to touch her. I don’t believe that I am pulling a huff, trying to punish her. I just despair over our relationship.

  14. VeryPatientMan
    July 24, 2009 at 8:54 pm

    Oh, one more complication: my child tends to grab me and my wife and pull us together for a collective hug very often. That’s what really has me at a standstill, how to explain this type of thing at such a young age. What can prevent bad behavior or resentment in a child’s mind?

    • shrink4men
      July 24, 2009 at 9:19 pm

      Hi VeryPatientMan,

      That’s not all that uncommon behavior. More than likely, even your 3-year old sees that there’s a problem with mommy and daddy. In pre-school, when kids have a fight, the teacher often has them make up by “hugging it out.” Josh and Susie, tell each other you’re sorry and then give each other a hug and be friends again.

      My guess is that your son is acting as the peacekeeper/referee for his adult parents, which is supremely unhealthy. He’s taking on an adult role at a very young age. I’m not sure what you’re asking re: “What can prevent bad behavior or resentment in a child’s mind?” Are you referring to how to prevent resentment should you divorce?

      Kind Regards,
      Dr Tara

      • VeryPatientMan
        July 27, 2009 at 7:27 pm

        Yes, that is my question – how to prevent resentment when we split up. I think a divorce is inevitable as things will probably never improve, which I just learned recently and thanks to your blog – classic BPD. In fact, after our last bout, which called for classic “isolation” – meaning I had to give up contact with my childhood friends, for which I gave in, but now, all of a sudden, she loves me more than anything and wants to jump my bones every hour. Luckily, I have a leg injury that I have been milking it with because I have no desire to touch her. Right now, I just don’t feel anything toward her – pure apathy – is this normal for a longtime BPD spouse?

        • shrink4men
          July 28, 2009 at 9:48 pm

          Hi VeryPatientMan,

          I don’t know if it’s possible to prevent resentment. Even in the best of circumstances, divorce can bring out the worst in people. Behave honorably and let your children know how much you love them as often as possible. If your wife has BPD I’m afraid there’s probably no way to get out of the marriage unscathed.

          As for your lack of sexual desire toward her, I don’t think it’s at all unusual. Contrary to popular opinion, many men aren’t able to turn on their libido like a light switch–especially when you’re on the receiving end of near constant criticism and emotional withdrawal. Emotional abuse is not an aphrodisiac.

          Best,
          Dr Tara

  15. VeryPatientMan
    July 24, 2009 at 8:33 pm

    Hi. I’ve been married to the person described here for just about 18 yrs. I put up with it mainly because I’ve tried to help or improve things in a subtle way. Things haven’t improved and just as you state, they get worse with age. She has succeeded in cutting out all of my friends and a good portion of my family. I can’t have female friends at all no matter if they are gay because her jealousy is unreal and is the catalyst to most fits of rage. I know it’s time to go and even she has suggested at times that maybe we should split up because she goes into these rants that she can’t trust me or doesn’t know me – which happened from me telling her about my communicating with old friends (that I had before meeting her). So, she is ONE fit of rage away from me filing for divorce and I will have no problem taking that step and starting over. I’ve gracefully and patiently endured a ton of vile verbal abuse and I’m at the end of my rope.

    To complicate my situation, I have a 3 year old with a slight learning disability (improving thankfully), my main concern is my child, but I do have a heart and a child should be with their mother. Also, she really is a good mother to our child, I’ll give her credit for that. My question is, what’s the best approach to an amicable split and is joint custody possible or safe? Who should have primary custody (residence) in a case like this? I know she’ll be slinging venom my way and I’m good at shrugging it off, also I embrace being the bad guy so she can feel free to bad mouth me to all her relatives, my family or whomever, so that’s not a factor – anyone with common sense can see though the muck.

    Any and all advice is appreciated, I’m trying to be objective as possible so feel free to ask me if anything I may be doing is off-key.

    • Mack
      October 2, 2009 at 12:25 pm

      If you have a heart you’ll appreciate a child needs two parents. Your suggesting your child should be with the mother is ridiculous and just gives in to your wife before she even makes the demand you expect. I thought my BPD-ex was a good mother for the first three years, but after that it was clear she wasn’t. She is a good actress, though. BPDs are not good mothers 24/7. Wait until she starts dating someone after you’ve left but she’s hosting your kid! She’ll lie to your kid and to you. She’ll let your kid down so she can do what she wants. If you’re sane you can be a good father 24/7.
      What you can get from Family Court depends on your State. I sought and got 50/50. Go to a psychologist to help you, one that knows BPDs in Family Court. He/she will amaze you with insights and predictions of behaviors, almost to the day. Mine said I’d have to fight for 50/50, but I never once felt the Court doubted me (see below). Draft emails and practice calls with your shrink. I found and bought online a series of chapters about what to know when divorcing a borderline. Don’t have details with me just now, but they’re written by 2 or 3 attorneys (I think) who specialize in this field.
      We were due in Court but my ex- (I left her) refused to negotiate. The judge ordered us to psych exams. The examiner revealed multiple suicide attempts I didn’t know of, and a BPD diagnosis. His/her questioning will reveal things you can’t imagine. The report went to the judge. Still, faced with this powerful evidence, my ex- would not negotiate. Her attorney even apologized to me! Ultimately, with more BS for months, we settled. Is it over? No, never will be, but my kid has a safe, happy home with me half the time. I can see my kid is happy with me, loves my house, my cooking, my jokes and just being with me. I encourage him/her (sorry to be vague… don’t trust my ex…) to be with mom, but we’ve caught mom in many lies I can’t get into here. Bottom line, kids are not stupid, and you need to hang in there. In a few years your kid will get it, and by his teens he’ll probably figure mom is a nut and you’re what kept him sane! Your house will be his refuge. Leave her, don’t set a deadline of the next fight. You’ll let it go like I did for years. Get out, stay out, and get help. Get an attorney with experience. Mine talked with my shrink, too! Keep them on the same page.
      Write everything down. Make time to write. Save emails and text messages. Write nothing to your ex- that a Court can interpret as threatening; if your ex- suggests it was a threat and shows the Court they’ll dismiss her behavior. Keep it clean, factual, don’t be drawn into arguing. If she accuses you of something don’t take the bait. Keep going with your original question(s). If she doesn’t like them she’ll ignore them and bitch or go off topic. Print and file that email – it’s evidence. Print and file everything. If you don’t write it down it didn’t happen. Plan: Talk with an attorney. Set a schedule to leave and to file papers for divorce and joint/full custody (depends on State and attorney’s advice). If your State generally goes 100% to mother you may have a problem. But then you can see if you’re right, that she’s a good mother.. I know you’ll be wrong, but you’ll figure it out eventually.

      • jham123
        October 2, 2009 at 3:39 pm

        Nice advise…..

  16. May 1, 2009 at 11:52 am

    my fiance is a very abusive women. im nearly seveentenn and been with her for over a year. untill i read this page she does all of them espacaially the last four alot. i do everyfing corret for her i treat her with respect i get her gifts flowers and im romantic. she has a split personality, shes a nice loving womean but if i make a mistake a tiny mistake she pounces she bullys me insults me blackmails me threatens to leave me then when i pop and shout back shes got wat she wanted me to loose it with her then she will use this against me saying she has no trust in. she bulmic anerix a self harmer and ovedoses often. i dnt know wether its attenion seeking or mind games please somebody help me i need ur advice om how to help or

    • shrink4men
      May 1, 2009 at 2:51 pm

      Hi Reece,

      Unfortunately, the behaviors you describe don’t get better; they only get worse over time. You’re very young to be engaged. You need to consider whether or not you want to make a binding, legal agreement to this woman, which commits you to even more abuse. My hunch is the marriage won’t last and then you’re going to be on the hook for spousal support and heaven forbid you have a child with her. Women like you’re fiance usually turn the children against their fathers and refuse visitation, all the while taking your money for the care of the children. The internet is filled with stories like this. It happens everyday. My advice is get out while you still can. Get some help. I know it can be difficult to reach out for professional help, but I don’t think this woman will let you walk away easily.

      Kind Regards,
      Dr T

  17. shrink4men
    February 23, 2009 at 1:18 am

    I think getting involved with any woman (or man) with a Cluster B personality disorder is risky. It’s like asking what a non-lethal dose of arsenic is—why would you risk making yourself sick?

    You’re right. Women with BPD/NPD who are mothers are frequently the kind of people who use their children to hurt their exes through parental alienation tactics or denying access to the children.

    If you have the choice NOT to become involved with women who have these issues, I encourage you to exercise it.

    Thanks for reading and leaving a comment. I appreciate it.

    Best,
    Dr T

    • James
      December 28, 2011 at 6:26 pm

      Hey Dr T.

      Just stumbled on this article in the google search for “Is my wife emotionally abusive”

      We’re not actually married, but we have kids together, and have lived together for 3 years, and I am so afraid to leave her because I don’t know if it’s the right choice for my kids, or what. I keep on hoping she’ll want to get better but she swears she’s “Not that bad to me”, and “A good person”. She’s been using sleep deprivation, all of the emotional bullying tactics, and even refusing to let me take a hot shower after an 18 hour shift at work. (Turning on sinks in the house to prevent hot water from making it to shower).

      She’s been begging me to marry her, and adopt her two boys from a previous relationship. I care about those boys but I just don’t want to tie myself to her legally.

      I don’t know what to do…

      I wish I knew what the right thing to do for my children is.

      • danno
        December 29, 2011 at 1:15 pm

        She’s “not that bad” to you, eh? I suppose that means she could be even worse to you than she already is. So count your lucky stars. I mean, she could be pouring buckets of ice water over you when you try to take a shower and she could be attacking you with a knife when you’re trying to sleep. But she isn’t. She is showing commendable restraint in her dealings with you. You’re just a selfish, unappreciative S.O.B.

        Seriously, my friend, she doesn’t sound like marriage material to me. The right thing to do for your children is to show them by example that no one should put up with the kind of abuse this woman dishes out. Leave her.

        • James
          December 29, 2011 at 10:23 pm

          Thanks Danno….I just told her last night and this morning that I was going to leave, because I felt it was the only way I could be a healthy strong stable father for my kids. She’s now accusing me of being whatever because her two boys from a previous relationship call me Dad. It does make me hurt to think that they are losing me from their life, but I will continue to spend time with them, if she lets me, and it’s not my fault, it’s hers. I have to keep reminding myself that there’s nothing wrong with me, I’m just doing what is right. But it’s hard when she’s constantly in my face about what a bad bad person I am for breaking up the family.

  18. Rob Collins
    February 20, 2009 at 9:24 pm

    Thanks for you advice on spotting BPD women. However, in my experience most women I have dated show these tendencies which scares me. How do you rate a women’s level of BPD as risky and you need to get rid of them. I know it only gets worse when children are involved because the courts can easily manipulate these women to punish you further.

    Rob

  19. Barry Jernigan, Pres. NCFM-KY/TN
    February 11, 2009 at 1:44 am

    I have been with a Borderline woman and can identify with some of what is said here. I also believe that I have a mother and sister who are Borderline. My mother in particular will make me think that I’m crazy. She will state something one time and then if I bring it up again. she will claim she never said that and basically accuse me of being stupid.

    My mother was also abusive to me and my siblings as children. At the age of 7 or 8 I was forced to wipe my little sister’s butt when she used the bathroom. She was about 1 or 2 at the time. It was one of my duties. Also our mother would beat us with a belt whether we had done anything or not. She also used hairbrushes and wooden spoons to hit us when we were kids. She even used my own glasses to hit me one time.

    The woman I spent time with was not at the violent stage of abuse of me yet. I broke it off with her before it got that bad. But she would claim that I said something that she actually had said or she would try to claim that I thought or believed something I didn’t.

    She was also very afraid that I was thinking of ending the relationship and she put it in those terms, ‘being afraid”. She also would cry a lot and say how much she ‘missed me’ even though I was right there with her. She even claimed that I hung up on her one time which I didn’t and she wanted to make sure ‘nothing was wrong’. She said, “Did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong?’ and nothing was wrong.

    She bit me very hard one time and thought it was funny. It wasn’t. It was very painful. In front of everyone else she was very conservative but she was anything but when we were alone. She was also very irrational. She said she would move to my state and this would mean giving up her teaching job of many years.

    Eventually she accused me of leading her on and that was enough for me to basically ‘let it end’. Not satisfied with that she ‘made up’. Luckily her visit ended and it’s a good thing she doesn’t live in my state or I would probably have a stalker. She called me on the phone a few times but eventually she stopped bothering me. You might have to get mean if you find yourself in a relationship with a woman like this. They often frankly don’t understand any other language. It’s a shame, but they don’t.

    Barry Jernigan, President
    National Coalition For Men
    Kentucky/Tennessee Chapter

    • shrink4men
      February 11, 2009 at 2:13 am

      Hi Barry,

      Thank you for reading and sharing your experiences. It sounds awful. You have my sympathy. By what you’ve described, your ex appears to have many of the worst and most abusive NPD and BPD traits.

      As you’ve so clearly expressed here, having an abusive parent can prime you for abusive adult relationships. I’m happy you were able to end it with your ex. And, for the record, telling a woman who is stalking you, threatening or menacing you, and/or abusing to leave you the hell alone is not being mean. These women rarely take a polite “no” or “this isn’t working out” for an answer. You have to end all contact and harden yourself to her pitiful begging and pleading. If she threatens you via email or voicemail. Save them and contact your local police department. You may need to get a restraining order.

      Thank you again for taking the time to comment.

      Kind Regards,
      Dr T

  20. Bryce
    February 8, 2009 at 1:48 pm

    “You don’t have to accept emotional abuse in your relationship. You can get help or you can end it. Most emotionally abusive women don’t want help. They don’t think they need it. They are the professional victims, bullies, narcissists, and borderlines. They’re abusive personality types and don’t know any other way to act in relationships.”

    “Life is too short to spend one more second in this kind of relationship. Get support, get out, and stay out.”

    AMEN. Well said.

    B

    • September 27, 2012 at 10:25 am

      Please please help me. After an 18 year marriage suffering from deep depression for almost 3 years, i was feeling hopeless and decided to go and look for some kind of comfort, with that i logged on to a site where i met this wonderful beautiful women she lived 2 hours away. The first two months were absolutly fantastic until she flew into a rage about a comment i made about not liking something she was talking about. She fobbed it of as being tired with that things changed very sour and i felt that it might be my fault for her being misserable and pissed off on a regular basis, she accused me of still being in love with my ex every time i called her to arrange seeing my daughters, she said she can see the look in my eyes when i spoke to my ex and was convinced i was still in love with her far from the truth. Things got worse when she started breaking things in anger and accusing me of the most rediculess things that didn’t even make sence, it’s killing me one minute she loves me and the next she’s like possesed and hates everything about me then say’s the only thing i’m good at is the sex. She called me this morning and was as calm as can be nothing was wrong i said to her that i am not happy with the way she treats me but very rearly listens to what i have to say and changes the subject totally, the love i feel for her is great this might sound stupid to most of you but she’s very minipulative and seems to get me in her grasp yet again. I really dont think i can help her and she has refused any help i’ve offered with a reply saying i am crazy mad and thoughless and that i need help. No she has not been diagnosed she’s been married and divorced twice and had may relations i feel compleatly helpless and don’t really know what to do. Drew.

      • Ryan
        September 27, 2012 at 2:48 pm

        My past relationship sounds very similar to yours. I ended an unhappy marriage and later on found a woman that was simply incredbile and like yours, the first couple months were amazing. Then she asked to move in and it went from great to ugly in very quick fashion. She was both verbally and physically abusive. She would throw and break things in moments of rage. She even threw hot coffee on me twice and threw her keys at me. She told me that she hated my kids, that my mother was a b___. There were times I was afraid to have my daughters in the same house as her.

        But then, the ugliness would just end and she would be adoring, and loving and when I was ready to run from the relationship she would beg me to come back and use sex to lure me in. In this state she was an incredible girlfriend that complimented me, loved me, cared for me, told me I was the greatest man she had ever known and was everything a man could want…

        … but then her anger would return and I was her enemy. She would continually insult, hit me, and like yours, she would say the sex was the only thing good about me. She would make comments comparing me to her old boyfriends and they would always trump me in whatever area she chose that time to get upset about. I would spend nearly all my time with her yet if I wanted to go out even once in a month by myself, with my daughters or with a friend then there was hell to pay as that made me an awful man. The stories could go on and on as this continued for nearly 2 years.

        My best advise to you is this. I know how much you love her, because I felt and continue to feel that same way about my ex. I even went as far as to propose to her in hopes that it would fix everything and would finally make her realize I was a good man and that I did truley love her. After all of that, after giving every ounce of me to her, it was still not enough to make the relationship work. You need to be realistic with yourself. If your girl is treating you this poorly then she does not truley love you. Everyone gets upset sometimes and there may be moments that make you question if this is right for you, but if it continues to happen every day, and is killing you inside, then it is time to walk away and accept it for what it is. The excitement and passion of this type of relationship can be addicting. The highs are great but the lows are unacceptable. Once the hurt of losing her starts to fade you will begin to understand that you made the right choice. I still struggle with it today, but I feel healthier and my self confidence is starting to come back. I wish you the best of luck with yours.

        • September 27, 2012 at 4:21 pm

          Thankyou so much for your reply, I truely wish you the best as well. as i live abroad it’s difficult to go and see your friends for advice face to face. take care and good luck Ryan.

        • September 27, 2012 at 8:42 pm

          I wish you also good luck Ryan, take care and thanks for your reply.

          Drew.

        • October 31, 2012 at 4:27 pm

          You are fucking legend mate, i am going through exactly the same thing and thanks to you, i am walking away today… thank you so much… you are genius… I am from the UK

          • tony
            May 14, 2013 at 12:48 pm

            same here…she thinks she is being bullied but when I look …who has the 30k car, the nice clothes, her own study, whilst I have a 2k car, clothes from primark and have my computer on my lap….

        • Jon Flow 33
          November 25, 2012 at 9:57 am

          Wow! Finding these stories from these other men has just brought me hope for my own personal help. Before now & I’ll have to work on it in the future, i would have said or thought that this was something that i could use to help us get along but i am now unemployed, living with my mom, caused me to loose our home & wouldn’t help me by finding a job once we we decided to accept the help of her mom & dad. Mind you – I had been with her nearly 10 years total & married to her for about 3 years at this time & since i was the psychological, emotional & physical consequence of a divorce – i then decided that no matter how hard its going to become that i will get married and i will be the rare exception that will endure until the end plus when we met i decided to raise her 2 1/2 year old daughter & i made a quiet promise to myself that i would not abandon this little girl either that rightaway gave me the love, purpose and attention that i needed at that time but unaware then that it would superglue me to her mothers verbally, physically and psychological minipulative deceptive ways as a type of compassion empathizing intuitively with this adorable little girl. Basically, i felt compelled to something noble & what i thought to be extremely difficult but it would be worth it in the end, to become a dad without a personal example of how a dad should be so i figured i had inside scoop on what the abandoned child inside myself would have wanted to be treated and brought up to the best of my ability. I’m frustrated at my own rambeling & im going to attempt to cut a longer story or nightmare short by saying i’ve given up everything but my soul to this bitch including our life savings, mutual friends, living still married legally but with my ring off & in different homes still trying to prove that i care about her and love her but NOT ANYMORE! i will not give her the respect that i have for myself which would have been tapped by now if i wasnt a famous athlete that was loved, admired & still talked about today – thank you Lord for the gift to ride a little bike still at the age of 36 which is most likely the reason im alive today & my daughters the reason i still have respect & purpose inspite of a continual nightmarish relationship that will not ever work because i understood long ago that im not god & jesus left the planet a long time ago, atleast the physical example of someone who was always loving and rightously angry at the right moments in time & to the right reasons. In a nut shell i have become a doormat, lonely, in want financially & in every other department of my life except knowledge, a loving heart toward people and only one child out of two that doesn’t believe that im the problem behind the chaos but i am confident in my ability to recover if i can just commit finally to ending this cycle of torture on everyone around us because i will yell back at her today unafraid but she can still yell alot longer while only remembering the actions i’ve taken against her as if she is perfect & entitled or justified in acting the way she continues without any sense of remorse regardless of relationship history, therapy, a husband that doesnt like or trust her but who still seems to love her hooked on drugs and more fearful not to divorce her with unforseen consequences than to allow this destruction to continue and get locked up or die before my children have a chance to see that person that i truly am & their mom be found out for the great manipulator, liar & taker of any real chance to witness teamwork, stability, healthy parental relationship and or a place they can call home.

          • shrink4men
            November 25, 2012 at 2:43 pm

            Hi Jon,

            I recommend you find a therapist to work with before things get worse for you — like cops on your doorstep worse. Marrying another abuser like the parent who abandoned and abuse you is not not helping you resolve your painful childhood wounds. All you’re doing is replaying the pain. You can’t save anyone else. The only person you can save is yourself. At the end of the day, your wife’s child is not yours. It will be painful to divorce for that reason, but you’re not helping the child by staying. You’re teaching her that her mom’s abuse of you is okay.

            Also, be careful if you yell back, the kind of woman you’re married to likes to make false allegations of abuse. Rolling around in the mud with pigs only makes you dirty.

            Kind Regards,
            Dr Tara

            • Jonathan
              March 26, 2013 at 3:52 pm

              Finding this column has been a godsend to me. I began dating this wonderful amazing woman from Venezuela with an 8 year old son. We only dated for 3 months but they were the most intense 3 month of my life lol The first month was the most amazing start to a relationship I have ever had, this woman was amazing, great sex, would cook for me all the time, said beautiful things to me, I was the best man ever I was amazing etc etc. I had some red flags pop up but didnt really pay attention bc I thought things would be different with me. She was in a 6 year abusive relationship with the father of the child, she ran away from him ( apparently) and moved to the US bc of that., Her relationship with her dad is horrendous, they live together and either they dont say a word to eachother or they fight badly. I remember our first fight, I went shopping with her and we were going to go into marshalls , when we got there I made a face, bc I’m not a big fan of that place and she shut down and didnt talk to me the rest of the day. We argued and eventually made peace. Second fght, she was having an explosive fight with her son to the point of making him cry hysterically bc he didn’t do his HW. I was there to calm him down and make him feel better. After the fight she sat down on her couch and began texting and using facebook, I sat down next to her and simply said, hi I’m here by the way, and she blew up on me and kicked me out of the house. After that she started changing and it wasnt wonderrful anymore, I saw her less and less , she now doubted it she even wanted a relatonship and would play with my feelings. The grand finale came when she broke up with me one day for a little silly jealousy of mine, nothing serious and 1 hour later invited me to orlando with a friend of hers and her son, i shouldve said no lol…She was so emotionally dettached in that trip, on the second day I confronted her about it and she answered me in not a very nice way and just said things werent the same anymore so I told her you know what I’m leaving…i cant take this kind of treatment any more and I gave her her stuff and tossed her sweater at her, when I did that she attacked me hit me on the back of my head as I was getting into my car and started calliing me horrible names, I stutter and she called me a stuttering piece of shit lol…that was harsh….and so I got in my car and left. And I know she blames me for all…she is a professional victim and will always be, she wants no help and thinks everyone needs to accept her as she is.

        • Matt
          July 4, 2013 at 12:47 am

          I severed a relationship similar to yours today. They always say crazy people are good in bed. Yes I miss this abusive manipulative woman, but in the long run my 6 year old will better accept me and I will once again be in her life, even if it is on a visitation basis. This woman wanted me to drop everything and move 1500 miles away from my daughter, and she kept telling me your daughter is always going to love you. Yeah that is really going to work when I will get the chance to fly and see her twice a year. Eventually, I would grow old and lonely, because if I married this lady, it would be sure to end. She was so manipulative that she told everyone I was her fiance, before any divorce was initiated by my wife

          • Jack
            July 10, 2013 at 9:31 pm

            I have been in a relationship off an on with a woman similar with what you talked about. The abuse, manipulation, making me feel like the bad guy etc. I want to break it off but the thing is that I gave her 4 thousand dollars to get out of her abusive environment (she was living with 2 abusive parents). The irony is that she misspent her money, I fell into financial trouble and now I’m living with family and they refuse to have my girlfriend live here because of how she acts toward me and my family. I hate the way she treats me but I also hate seeing her abused up there. What gets me angrier is I gave her 4,000 dollars to get out of the situation and just bought a car instead. Now she’s saying I have to sell my car (which I use to go to work) so that she can get a place. Its a nightmare cause I don’t believe she’ll even use the money to get a place down here plus the reason why im living with my family right now is because money I could have used for rent I gave to her (the four thousand). If she lived in a safe environment I would have left her a long time ago. It sucks. But then again if she lived in a safe environment maybe she wouldn’t act this way. I just don’t know what to do. Im worried that if I bring her down her she’ll still act the same even though shes not living with her parents. Right now she blames it on her parents for why she treats me bad but even when we both lived in L.A she treated me bad as well so I broke it off with her. Now shes living with her abusive parents again and she says its my fault that shes being abused up there because I broke it off with her years ago and told her to leave.

      • may
        November 28, 2012 at 4:53 pm

        Her moods have nothing to do with you; she’s out of control. The question shouldn’t be why is she so moody; the question is why are you so obsessed with someone who is so volatile? You were vulnerable when you met her. You were miserable in your first marriage and now you think if you don’t make it work with this woman it means you somehow wrong. No it doesn’t. Lots of women are moody and demanding like this; think of a spoiled child. They can be sweet sometimes and horrible the next but you can’t freak out when they behave terribly; you have to take control and if she won’t change you have to leave or roll your eyes when she acts nuts. Why do you feel helpless because of her unreasonable behaviour, that is what you have to ask yourself. Why are you letting her run the show?

      • Matt
        July 4, 2013 at 12:32 am

        Yeah my marriage hit some roadblocks and I moved to take a job away from my wife and child 1300 miles away. During my work there, I met this colleague who I became more than friends with.
        We got close and twice I broke up with her, because of the guilt I felt. She always praised me, but said that my wife did not love me and convince me to distance myself from her. She encouraged me and brainwashed me to ditch my family because I was no longer happy. Yes, I got mesmerized by her ability to carry on long intensive conversations where it appeared we had everything in common, and maybe we did
        Eventually my wife kicked me out upon knowledge of the ongoing affair and that woman was happy about the fact I would potentially live with her. What finally made me realize to sever the relationship were the following signs: She took multiple meds for mood disorders, she called my wife fat, she always told me that guys hit on her, she drank heavily, her mood swings were off the charts, she lies, she denies, she is addicted to sex, she was about to revolve her career decision around me putting me in a very precarious position, she rarely paid for anything, her daughter hated her, she cleaned her mother out financially, she kept deriding her ex, when she got pissed off, she compared me to her ex, and she was pressuring me to get a divorce faster when my wife wanted to wait, she said I had no balls when it concerned her needs, she was never wrong, she was passive but had a bad temper.
        Today I finally severed it off with her, and yes I feel depressed because this time I was firm and will not turn back. This article helped reassure me what the signs were and I wish I severed it earlier because I would not be separated. It was an addiction, like as though I was an alcoholic and a selfish prick. Now I may never get my family back because I stupidly succumbed to her brainwashing. When I broke it off today, she was calm and said I won’t bother you anymore. In a way, I feel free too.

        • jp
          July 5, 2013 at 1:55 am

          You need to get back home…your daughter needs you, regardless of what happens with you and your wife.. Don’t let your girl down! Plus, refocusing on your real priorities will help you move past this disastrous affair and rebuild your self esteem.

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