Home > Abusive relationships, Borderline Personality Disorder, Marriage, relationships > 10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully

10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully


mood-swingsDoes your girlfriend or wife yell, scream, and swear at you? Do you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about your relationship because they just wouldn’t understand? Is your relationship making you feel like you’re slowly going crazy?

If so, you’re probably involved with a woman who is an emotionally abusive bully. Most men don’t want to admit that they’re in an abusive relationship. They describe the relationship and their girlfriend/wife using other terms like crazy, emotional, controlling, bossy, domineering, constant conflict, or volatile. If you use words like this to describe your relationship, odds are you’re being emotionally abused.

Do you recognize any of the following behaviors?

1) Bullying. If she doesn’t get her way, there’s hell to pay. She wants to control you and resorts to emotional intimidation to do it. She uses verbal assaults and threats in order to get you to do what she wants. It makes her feel powerful to make you feel bad. People with a Narcissistic personality are often bullies.

Result: You lose your self-respect and feel outnumbered, sad, and alone. You develop a case of Stockholm Syndrome, in which you identify with the aggressor and actually defend her behavior to others.

2) Unreasonable expectations. No matter how hard you try and how much you give, it’s never enough. She expects you to drop whatever you’re doing and attend to her needs. No matter the inconvenience, she comes first. She has an endless list of demands that no one mere mortal could ever fulfill.

Common complaints include: You’re not romantic enough, you don’t spend enough time with me, you’re not sensitive enough, you’re not smart enough to figure out my needs, you’re not making enough money, you’re not FILL IN THE BLANK enough. Basically, you’re not enough, because there’s no pleasing this woman. No one will ever be enough for her, so don’t take it to heart.

Result: You’re constantly criticized because you’re not able to meet her needs and experience a sense of learned helplessness. You feel powerless and defeated because she puts you in no-win situations.

3) Verbal attacks.This is self-explanatory. She employs schoolyard name calling, pathologizing (e.g., armed with a superficial knowledge of psychology she uses diagnostic terms like labile, paranoid, narcissistic, etc. for a 50-cent version of name calling), criticizing, threatening, screaming, yelling, swearing, sarcasm, humiliation, exaggerating your flaws, and making fun of you in front of others, including your children and other people she’s not intimidated by. Verbal assault is another form of bullying, and bullies only act like this in front of those whom they don’t fear or people who let them get away with their bad behavior.

Result: Your self-confidence and sense of self-worth all but disappear. You may even begin to believe the horrible things she says to you.

4) Gaslighting. “I didn’t do that. I didn’t say that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. It wasn’t that bad. You’re imagining things. Stop making things up.” If the woman you’re involved with is prone to Borderline or Narcissistic rage episodes, in which she spirals into outer orbit, she may very well not remember things she’s said and done. However, don’t doubt your perception and memory of events. They happened and they are that bad.

Result: Her gaslighting behavior may cause you to doubt your own sanity. It’s crazy-making behavior that leaves you feeling confused, bewildered, and helpless.

5) Unpredictable responses. Round and round and round she goes. Where she’ll stop, nobody knows. She reacts differently to you on different days or at different times. For example, on Monday, it’s ok for you to Blackberry work email in front of her. On Wednesday, the same behavior is “disrespectful, insensitive, you don’t love me, you’re a self-important jerk, you’re a workaholic.” By Friday, it could be okay for you to Blackberry again.

Telling you one day that something’s alright and the next day that it’s not is emotionally abusive behavior. It’s like walking through a landmine in which the mines shift location.

Result: You’re constantly on edge, walking on eggshells, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is a trauma response. You’re being traumatized by her behavior. Because you can’t predict her responses, you become hypervigilant to any change in her mood or potential outburst, which leaves you in a perpetual state of anxiety and possibly fear. It’s a healthy sign to be afraid of this behavior. It’s scary. Don’t feel ashamed to admit it.

6) Constant Chaos. She’s addicted to conflict. She gets a charge from the adrenaline and drama. She may deliberately start arguments and conflict as a way to avoid intimacy, to avoid being called on her bullshit, to avoid feeling inferior or, bewilderingly, as an attempt to avoid being abandoned. She may also pick fights to keep you engaged or as a way to get you to react to her with hostility, so that she can accuse you of being abusive and she can play the victim. This maneuver is a defense mechanism called projective identification.

Result: You become emotionally punch drunk. You’re left feeling dazed and confused, not knowing which end is up. This is highly stressful because it also requires you to be hypervigilant and in a constant state of defense for incoming attacks.

7) Emotional Blackmail. She threatens to abandon you, to end the relationship, or give you the cold shoulder if you don’t play by her rules. She plays on your fears, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, shame, values, sympathy, compassion, and other “buttons” to control you and get what she wants.

Result: You feel manipulated, used, and controlled.

8 Rejection. She ignores you, won’t look at you when you’re in the same room, gives you the cold shoulder, withholds affection, withholds sex, declines or puts down your ideas, invitations, suggestions, and pushes you away when you try to be close. After she pushes you as hard and as far away as she can, she’ll try to be affectionate with you. You’re still hurting from her previous rebuff or attack and don’t respond. Then she accuses you of being cold and rejecting, which she’ll use as an excuse to push you away again in the future.

Result: You feel undesirable, unwanted, and unlovable. You believe no one else would want you and cling to this abusive woman, grateful for whatever scraps of infrequent affection she shows you.

9) Withholding affection and sex. This is another form of rejection and emotional blackmail. It’s not just about sex, it’s about withholding physical, psychological, and emotional nurturing. It includes a lack of interest in what’s important to you–your job, family, friends, hobbies, activities–and being uninvolved, emotionally detached or shut down with you.

Result: You have a transactional relationship in which you have to perform tasks, buy her things, “be nice to her,” or give into her demands in order to receive love and affection from her. You don’t feel loved and appreciated for who you are, but for what you do for her or buy her.

10) Isolating. She demands or acts in ways that cause you to distance yourself from your family, friends, or anyone that would be concerned for your well-being or a source of support. This typically involves verbally trashing your friends and family, being overtly hostile to your family and friends, or acting out and starting arguments in front of others to make it as unpleasant as possible for them to be around the two of you.

Result: This makes you completely dependent upon her. She takes away your outside sources of support and/or controls the amount of interaction you have with them. You’re left feeling trapped and alone, afraid to tell anyone what really goes on in your relationship because you don’t think they’ll believe you.

You don’t have to accept emotional abuse in your relationship. You can get help or you can end it. Most emotionally abusive women don’t want help. They don’t think they need it. They are the professional victims, bullies, narcissists, and borderlines. They’re abusive personality types and don’t know any other way to act in relationships.

Life is too short to spend one more second in this kind of relationship. If your partner won’t admit she has a problem and agree to get help, real help, then it’s in your best interest to get support, get out, and stay out.

by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

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I provide confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. My practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit Services and Products for professional inquiries.

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Mood swings on ccmbuzz.

  1. SL
    July 17, 2012 at 11:40 am

    Hi,
    This is very hard for me and it is the first time to talk about, but after I read the article and a few dozen comments, I realized that this is a community that can relate to me. I discovered this blog post when I was googleing ways to stop my wife from snoring without her knowing (God moves in a mysterious way), because one last time I tried to confront her about this and find a solution together, she lashed out and said that she would sleep on the couch from now on, even though it is uncomfortable (victimizing herself); so I never tried again and preferred not to go asleep the normal way, but to fall asleep watching a movie or something.
    My wife and I are together for about 12 years now, married for four and have a wonderful 2 YO daughter. At the beginning it was a long-distance relationship, her being from a different town, but after about 6 months I moved where she was. At the beginning it was all wonderful, butterflies in the stomach and all that and the occasional puppy-fights. As time passed, these fights that started out of ridiculous reasons got more and more dramatic and turned out without exception so that it was my fault and I had to bite the bullet and ask for forgiveness. The reasons were ungrounded, like one time (this being at the beginning of our relationship, about 11 years ago) when she said that she doesn’t see love in my eyes anymore (emphasizing on my eyes). I don’t want to say it was all bad, because she can be a sweet loving woman and I always thought this would change for the better over time, so that in 2008 we got married. Even as we were leaving from the marriage registration she got upset at something and threatened that she would jump out of the car and she even opened the door as we were driving. Ah, not to forget that she somehow convinced me that it would be a good idea not to invite my family to the wedding ceremony (even today I can’t figure out how that went), so it was the both of us and the relatives of her side. There were always big fights at least once a month where she would complain about something and push my buttons so that I responded (she’s a master of provocation) and in the end she would run off roaming the streets waiting for me to run after her and make it up with her. I sometimes got tired of running after her, this resulting in her coming back all cried out and complaining how she got lost or how some strange people followed or molested her, all in all make me feel bad that I didn’t come running like a puppy. She NEVER admits guilt, even when it is crystal clear, somehow turning and twisting it so that it brings one of my flaws forward, except for one occasion when she threatened that she would jump out of the window, climbing on the case with one foot out, when she somehow admitted afterwards that it was some sort excessive and that she would never do it again. When she got pregnant, she had even worse mood swings and her physical health got worse and I supported her every way I could, thinking this will pass once the baby is born, but guess what, It didn’t happen. Now the baby is 2 years old and she has these horrible mood swings where she snaps at anything and I get the blame even about the neighbours dog’s barking, she gets often depressed, she faints, gets high heart rates etc. After consulting Dr. Google, seeing a lot of doctors, specialists in cardiology, endocrinology, you name it, making more blood work then astronauts, nothing came out, all saying that it is most probably a psychosomatic illness of some sort and she has to consult with a psychical therapist, which she doesn’t want to hear of. As I wanted everything to be good, I went all along with the tests and support that I could give, I’m trying to smoothen the stress, even if it costs me all the personal space. For example, last Friday I went out to celebrate my birthday with colleagues from work, and all of a sudden I get a call from her that she’s scared being alone in the bed and she can’t sleep and that I should come home. I hear people at work speaking of how they go out with their friends for beers or how they go out on barbecues with two other families, even I get invited, and I would really love that, but then my wife gets excuses how we can’t go, or if I insist and go along, she makes me uncomfortable and we leave early. Before we met I was an outgoing person, but that changed when I moved here in her town, leaving all my friends back home; when we went out for a soda, it was only the 2 of us, which I didn’t like, sure it is nice to have romantic evenings all by ourselves, but we should be able to have friends, right? It was hard on me for a couple of years, but I got used to it, now I wouldn’t know how to have friends. Since she was pregnant, she started to read all sorts of stuff about raising a child and healthy food for children etc. which is not bad at all, but she developed a sort of obsession about it, she’s constantly on blogs about natural parenting, has Facebook groups etc., so that she spends a lot of time on the pc. Up until not long ago she was a brilliant mother as well, but now she loses temper very quickly with our daughter and acts the same as the parents she’s moaning about. This is not that bad yet, but I’m afraid of what this could become.
    I’m very sorry for the long post, but I haven’t talked about this to anyone and I have so much on my mind.

    • E!
      July 18, 2012 at 4:19 am

      “Not that bad yet”…how much worse does it have to get? You are in a huge amount of denial. she’s cut you off from family, friends, any sane third parties who might give you support or perspective, she’s verbally abusive to you and your child…how much worse do you need it to get before you step up and at least protect your baby, if you don’t have any more respect or love for yourself because she’s beat it out of you? Killing pets? physically harming the child? physically abusing you? What does she need to do to make it ‘bad enough’….cuz from where I’m standing, it’s PLENTY BAD.

  2. Brian
    July 11, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    Hi

    Im currently in a relationship which i feel can related to this article. So many times i have been sublected to wrong doing and made to feel like im an attention seeker and always looking for sympathy and get told to reflect on my behaviour when she drives to the point of shouting back at her from the emotional beat down i receive. She always puts on a front for people but i know when we get home from anywhere she has something to say about something and it wears you down to the point that im actually questioning myself if i am a decent guy or not as she has me believe that everything i do is not enough. Silly things like when she points the finger constantly at me i defend myself and then get hit with “stop butting in” after so many times it just drags down to a level that you feel you cant explain what its like.

    Any suggestions?

    • anon
      July 12, 2012 at 10:41 am

      can i suggest that you just dont rise to the occasion dont let your self get draged in to any rows

    • Dan Minds
      July 12, 2012 at 11:37 am

      Dump her and run for the hills. Well, at least dump her. What you\’re describing happened to me about 30 years ago. It started with small things, like questioning/complaining that I went out with some (male) colleagues, and progressed to the point of me not having much of a support system…except for her, and she was not a support. I like American History and when we were with neighbors should sarcastically tell them that I like to read about dead presidents, which made me feel about an inch tall. She would frequently tell me I was full of myself — even in front of my kids!?!? — when in actuality all I was doing was doing my best in whatever it was (work, interpersonal relationships, child rearing). it was not bragging or conceit; it was being the good person I am.

      I divorced her a couple years ago — that process alone took me years to build up the courage to do — and am now happily remarried to a woman who loves me for me.

      Do yourself a favor and treat yourself with the respect you deserve, and find someone who will cherish you for who you are — not attempt to shape you into what they want you to be.

  3. JustMe
    July 5, 2012 at 10:31 pm

    I cannot emphasize enough that in your situation, it is more important for their parents to NOT be together.

    WORDS OF WISDOM! One additional point…a few years ago, a family member suggested I look up the term “verbally abusive relationship”. I looked it up and came across a book, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans. Before reading that book, I was in denial. People would tell me that “she’s not right” and “you need to get out”. I would always think to myself, “they just don’t know her like I do…” Turns out, they had a much clearer view of what was happening! As I read the book, i got the distinct feeling that the author was somehow hidden in my home for all those years, taking notes on what she saw! Just as this site is DEAD ON with what happens with women with personality disorders, the book seemed to read like a script of my home life! It opened my eyes and I began to see for myself and admit to myself what was going on. That was the beginning of my deliverance from the situation!

    • Free at Last
      July 5, 2012 at 10:57 pm

      Thanks for chiming in, JustMe. Each time we support each others’ recommendations (and support them with published works, be they print or web) it helps others see their own situations more clearly. As you stated, third parties often have a much clearer view of what’s happening.

      • Anon
        July 7, 2012 at 6:58 am

        The general opinion here seems to be to get out of bad relationships and give up. My personal situation make that very difficult for me to do. Not only am I married 5 years with 3 kids but also when I was a child my father left my mother and I have experienced first hand the effect this has on children. (which for me was very bad) – had my father tried that bit harder to work through the hard times we all may have been that much happier and more secure and I imagine my life would have turned out quite differently.
        My father ended up moving to spain when I was 7 and my sister was 4. He re married and had another child when I was 11 and had committed suicide by the time I was 14.
        This is a good example of how the grass is not always greener even though he thought it would be.

        Due to all of this I am very reluctant to leave my relationship now that we have children and my view is that over time the love my wife & I both have for our children will bring is closer together.

        It won’t always be smiles and roses but I’m prepared to work through the hard times and I think my wife is too.

        I have spoken to my wife and she was much more reasonable about me going away for work than i expected which was nice. We also talked and I tried to get a better understanding of how we can improve things for the future. I will continue to visit this site and have done in the past before posting as its a great resource even if it’s just to feel you’re not alone in going through hard times with difficult women.
        Thanks everyone for all the advice and kind words

        • Ryan
          July 7, 2012 at 7:08 am

          Hope everything works out for you Anon. It really is tough when kids are involved plus you know first hand how a broken home affects kids. If you can make it work that is awesome for you and the kids. Wish i could do the same thing you are but i just couldnt see a way out the other side.

  4. Free at Last
    July 5, 2012 at 9:44 pm

    Adrian, Anon, and anyone else struggling in an awful relationship because you have children, I invite you to take a 14-minute break and watch a YouTube video by a fascinating woman who calls herself GirlWritesWhat:

    http://owningyourshit.blogspot.ca/2011/10/coming-out.html

    In this self-introduction video she explains that her primary motivation for her anti-feminist blog is her concern that her two sons will grow up in a society that assigns no instrinsic value to men, whereas her daughter will have no problems at all.

    In my own words (as a former Scouting leader) I once described this situation as follows:

    I’ve always loved camping and the outdoors, and especially the refreshing feeling of being around kids having fun, wanting to learn, and eager to work hard. Sometimes I think that today’s school system beats that out them, but it seems to be a natural instinct.

    Now I can’t resist – while the boys are learning survival skills and cooking over the campfire and building camp furniture with sticks and twine, what are the girls doing? Watching trash like Cinderella and learning that if they’re ditzy enough to lose their footwear (really, how can you NOT notice?) then Prince Charming will seek you out and find you (you precious little ditzy thing!) and you’ll live happily ever after without having to lift a finger. Is our culture rotten to the core or what?

    Personal note: as a Canadian, I’m awed that GirlWritesWhat is from Canada also. Our divorce laws and court system are as unfair and biased as those of the USA, if not more so, and I’m proud that we have a deeply concerned female spokesperson for the plight of men in this country.

  5. Anon
    July 5, 2012 at 1:25 am

    I am in relationship where my wife displays many of the signs listed above – however due to the 2 young children we have together I feel completely trapped in this abusive relationship.

    I snore quite badly so she refuses to share a bed with me – I have suggested she wear earplugs, bought sleeping tablets for her and tried every snoring remedy there is but she refuses to try earplugs or sleeping tablets as she needs to be alert to go to our baby if he wakes up and chooses to sleep in his bedroom.

    The problem then is either I am snoring at night and she will wake me and shout at me to tell me I’m snoring and it’s disgusting, or she will wake me shouting at me that I’m a lazy man and I do not help with the baby at night and I should listen out for him. I explained many times to her that I’m happy to help and always do my best to help out whenever asked to but she will never ask me politely to help it always has to be screaming, shouting, name calling and anger towards me. I have asked her many times to stop being rude and mean as I very rarely say anything unkind to her or raise my voice, and these requests are usually met with more shouting and name calling.
    We do not have much money and my wife refuses to get a job and I have been working 50-60 hours per week for the last 18 months trying to run a business to support myself, her and her son as well as our 2 other children. I also get up early before work most days to help get the children ready for school so she can have an hour or 2 extra sleep in the morning. also she refuses to do the weekly shopping so I usually have to do this at the weekend. She refuses to iron clothes for me for work so I do this before I go to work. Our children are 1,4 and 10 and I would be devastated to leave them so have been doing my best to get on with my wife for their sake as well as my own happiness but it’s becoming more difficult every day.

    She shows no interest in what I do whatsoever, will never ask how my day is or engage in any conversation about my work so I have virtually given up trying to discuss anything like that with her.

    I Sometimes have to go away for work but feel scared to approach her about work trips because she will be angry if I ‘leave her to do everything’ .. Also never know how she will react of I say I want to meet a friend for a drink or go to the gym for example – sometimes she could be fine about it other times she will be very angry that I want to do anything social or away from the house.

    I am stuck now and don’t know what to do – my wife is very loving to our children and I have to say she is a fantastic mother, but I am having real difficulty accepting the way in which I’m spoken to every night – I feel that I work very very hard to support her and our children, and am very flexible and open to suggestion – I’m not perfect but I will hardly ever raise my voice and always try to be polite and talk in a kind way – I can not cope with being shouted and screamed at every night any more and being woken up to be told I am a disgusting man. It seems so unreasonable and having asked many times for this behaviour to stop if anything it is getting worse –

    Obviously no one will have any real answers to this , it’s my own problem and I need to deal with it but I just don’t know how. I love my children so much and could not bear to be living apart from them and also feel its important for them to have their parents together.

    Help!

    • Anon
      July 5, 2012 at 1:36 am

      Also forgot to mention one of the main things which stands out as matching dr T’s post is te withholding of affection – every time I go to cuddle my wife she pushes me away sometimes more forcefully than others, or will cuddle for a second and the push away – she will not have sex with me any more (or very rarely) – once in 2 months perhaps, so after hundreds of rejections I have given up trying.

    • anon
      July 5, 2012 at 5:38 pm

      try your best to get out , it could be hell for a while but u deserve peace and support pal

    • Free at Last
      July 5, 2012 at 9:09 pm

      Anon, probably the best thing you can do is to keep reading here. There are just so many stories that resonate with yours, and the bottom line is always the same: cut your losses (and those of your children) and get out.

      It’s a terribly difficult decision to make when there are three children involved, so you can’t take my word for it or anyone else’s. But you can definitely read the stories here to convince yourself that it’s the right thing to do and that your children won’t grow up emotionally stunted from a 24-hr/day high-conflict environment.

      Reading your post, I have only one thing to ask you do do: start working on dispelling the notion that your disordered wife is “a fantastic mother.” She’s certainly not. You’re the one who has to wake up early to get the kids ready for school, you have to earn all the money because she refuses to work, and your children are constantly exposed to your wife’s nagging, bitching and screaming. Anon, what are your children learning? What will their expectations be when they’re older and start looking for partners themselves? I cannot emphasize enough that in your situation, it is more important for their parents to NOT be together.

    • JustMe
      July 5, 2012 at 10:23 pm

      Anon, the similarities between your situation and mine are uncanny!
      I snore as well. My wife would literally punch, scratch and almost rip my shirt off at the collar to wake me up to tell me about my snoring and to SCOLD me! I was eventually ejected from the master bedroom and permanently moved to a guest room down the hall. No, I never returned to the MBR.

      In my wife’s eyes, I was only good for bringin home a paycheck. She had a really good job but was downsized so, I began to work massive amounts of OT to pay all the bills. I’m talking 150 hours per pay period (of which 80 was OT!). She handled the finances and I later learned that she’d take all the money from my paycheck (direct deposit) and transfer the money over to another account that I was unaware of. She’d pay some of the household bills out of the acct I knew of to cover her tracks. On top of that, she received a pretty hefty stipend from our church for her work as the accountant and spent that money on herself and our three children (all under 10 years old). All the while, she would pressure me to work more hours and to find a “better paying” job. Her parents would play along as the “good cops” by commending me for sacrificing myself for my family and continue to work.

      She made false allegations of molestation against me regarding all three kids when my oldest was less than a year old. Completely untrue! For all intents and purposes, we lived in two separate worlds. My wife and kids had one life and I had another one that consisted solely of working myself into an early grave while she was layed up at home, shopping on the internet, eating out everyday.

      When I got home, she refused to talk to me except for administrative things. “Stop at the store and get this…”, “how much is your check going to be this time? Last time wasn’t enough!”, I begged her to talk to me, but she refused; but as soon as the phone would ring, she’d pour out her personality and warmth to whomever was on the other end of the line…I’d come home from working all that time and then wash the dishes she dirtied all day and clean the main floor where she and the kids spent most of the time. there’d be no food for me ever.

      Imtimacy? Try once a year! I hung in there for 9 years hoping things would change for the best, but they didn’t. I mistakenly believed that it was best for the kids to have both parents in the house even if they weren’t unified. The very worst part is she was trying to turn my kids against me by telling them lies about me and always saying negative things about me in front of the kids.

      Finally, it dawned on me that I was dying a slow death in the marriage from the stress and I was setting a terrible example for my kids. It is not best for the kids to see their dad emasculated and emotionally abused! I moved out and filed for divorce one year ago. My final divorce hearings start in a couple of weeks. I am suing for full custody of our kids on the basis of emotional manipulation, parental alienation. As their dad, it’s my job to protect them..including from a woman who doesn’t have a good grasp on reality.

  6. Adrian Stock
    July 1, 2012 at 9:09 pm

    Well, some of these thing my wife does, to the letter, but others honestly, she doesn’t. I have grown steadily more ill and debilitated, not psychologically as the predominant issue, it’s physical, but physical pain and trauma always has a psychological side to it. I have severe spine disease, Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, Chiari Malformation, 7 discs that are in various states of collapse, annular tears, herniations, protrutions, Syringomyelia, lordosis of the entire spine, hyphosis, and it goes on. My wife treats me like used dog shit some days. On others, she SEEMS to understand, and consequently I have many of the symptoms but not all. I tend to be stronger, and not as dependant, so I’ll push back-sometimes, but other issues such as the eggshells, and the like is me to the letter. I am a good counselor myself, so I know defense mechanisms when I see them. In this case, it almost as if she’s like a posessed demon bent on my destruction. On other days there appears to be some semblance of kindness, but not anything near what you would expect from a normal human being. It in her family. The ability to talk, our communication is absolutely nill. And…we have a 7 month old baby that is everything to me. I honestly don’t know what to do. I was discussing some of this in a pain group and I mentioned that I thought i was being “emotionally” abused, but if I really look at it and the depth of the depravity of some of her demands of physical activities I perform on a daily basis, after I spend all day taking care of our Son, as in her coming home and saying, “Well, What’s for dinner?” While I’m on a couch completely unable to move, with some of the worst physical pain that a human can experience. I don’t even know where to start with this. She does it to the dog too. Not to my Son, but I bet as soon as he starts to become any kind of true difficulty or challenge in her life, he’ll be next, and the three of us will be huddleing under the dining room table while Sauron The Black, storms around the house.

    What the hell do I do? I don’t even know where to begin. There’s so much I can’t even begin to state, but reading this I can tell that something needs to change. It’s my Son. He’s the best baby anyone could ask for, he’s the best thing I’ve ever done with my life, AND, I”ve done a LOT in this life. Help me please.

  7. Fred
    June 28, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    Hi! I’m going through a lot right now, and am I being manipulated if I have break downs and panic attacks and so weak inside and this happens when she makes choices, so at the drop of a hat of her saying or doin things I get all broke up and cry cry cry cry then she looks at me and says I’m the one nuts……

    • Wren Friend
      July 1, 2012 at 7:32 pm

      Fred, you can read my posts above (I think starting on p.25) to see how hard it’s been for me to stand my ground. It’s very hard, like putting on the sweats is the hardest part of jogging…but much, much, much harder. I went to a silent Quaker meeting today, and didn’t sense it would help at all until about the last ten minutes. Now I see for sure it did. No big revelations, but when any edge at all comes off it’s a miracle, I can vouch. I was a cryer too, and most likely I’ll cry again. Everyone here seems to say, though, there is in fact nothing like this pain. So. There were a few things said by SNM (and me less to the pt) about these trips of theirs being somewhat unconscious (or at least picked up unconsciously), so perhaps whatever we come to understand about that someday will enable us to pray for them a little easier…and settle for whatever changes or un-apparent changes or future changes come, or may come. Hang in there.

  8. Nick
    June 23, 2012 at 5:47 am

    I was looking for ways to make my girlfriend happy and eventually ended up to this. I can’t believe how much this describes my girlfriend. Most of this stuff is dealwithable, but one that absolutely makes me go insane is when she says something didn’t happen or that she didn’t say something when it happen less than a minute ago. She also calls me stupid many times a day when she means she doesn’t like something I did.

    There was also an eight month period when I was going to school for 7 hours a day and then working 8 hours of physical labor 6 days a week. When I get home for the night she would force me to do unimportant tasks or rub her back after what she says is a busy day of sitting and watching movies or face an angry girlfriend for the next day.
    (I gained a lot of pride with myself after doing all that then finding out today that I got 6 A’s and a B)

    I still can’t believe how much this describes my girlfriend. I thought most girls were like that. If I had to write a biography of her, this would be the summary.

    I was wondering if another quality of a person like this is not being able to make small commitments or decide on small decisions, also not wanting to hear about important things.
    Some examples of these are:
    -not going through with jobs or interviews
    -putting off forms that could be finished in minutes
    -not being able to decide on what to do or where to go
    -even as small as spending ten minutes on deciding on an ice cream flavor
    -she also does not want to hear about anything money related even when she wants go to a hundred dollar ticket concert when we only have a couple hundred dollars left to our name. She blows it off like it is only my problem, even though I will happily deal with it myself and on the inside, she never wants to be involved with anything important.

    I do love my girlfriend very much and can’t wait until I’m done with medical school to marry her and buy her a house, but she does tend to be hard to deal with and makes me wonder if it will ever go away or if I will have to push all of our stress to the back of my mind and hoping it doesn’t fill up and explode.

    -Thanks, Nick

    • Nick
      June 23, 2012 at 5:51 am

      Also after reading many of these comments, a lot of them say that their girlfriend says that the guy doesn’t care about or love them. I know its one of the signs, but this is an hourly to daily thing for me and I don’t know any more ways to help get rid of that.

  9. Cal
    June 23, 2012 at 2:21 am

    Amazing,,,just found this site and after reading the list of ten i realized my wife has ALL ten traits.I have known for some time now that she is has major problems but finances prevent me from divorcing her.Wow the stories i could tell,,well anyway hello to all the good people here.

  10. Free at Last
    June 21, 2012 at 11:34 pm

    Chris :
    Mental and emotional abuse is as destructive and hurtful as anything else I can think of because it rips into your soul,the very core of your being,it destroys your spirit,your identity as an individual. […] I believe that it is equal to trying to recover from the trauma of being in a literal war for years.

    Hi Chris, it’s good to hear from you. I think that many people here can appreciate what you’ve gone through, although it is a bit difficult to fully appreciate what it’s like after 28 years. You’re absolutely right, it’s exactly the same thing as the trauma of war; years of being on maximum alert for the next sniper or improvised explosive device or surprise air attack. But with disordered partners, it’s being on maximum alert for the next devastating emotional attack on your soul.

    Look up PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) on Wikipedia for a more detailed description; it’s precisely what you’re suffering from. There are effective treatments for PTSD which can drastically reduce your recovery time; it would be wise to look into them. I’ll repeat that free talk-therapy from well-intentioned volunteers is a very ineffective course of action; don’t hesitate to spend some money on yourself by hiring trained, experienced professionals. You’ll probably find that it’s the best money you’ll ever spend.

    Also, one of my longtime friends is a Chinese acupressure massage therapist, and he knows of some recent clinical tests commissioned by the Veterans’ Administration in the USA which show that acupressure massage has significant effects in mitigating the symptoms of PTSD in a timely fashion.

    I wish you luck in your recovery! – Julian.

  11. June 20, 2012 at 4:24 am

    Hi my left me says she does not love me anymore turned the kids against me. I could never walk right breathe right or eat right without a comment she has no friends only her family which have treated me horribly over the last 20 years. She left me right when one of my daughters was confirmed and another one graduated from high school they will not talk to mewhat a sad time. She once said if Robbing was not her brother she would marry him right in front of me and the kids weird? She says I never did anything with the kids and her brothers are looked at by my kids as father figures. I am glad to get out I just want to get my kids back.

  12. ORL
    June 16, 2012 at 11:01 pm

    Hello there, I have been with my girlfriend for a year and a half we’re both 25. I came across this article by googling emotional blackmail so you can assume what this about.
    I met my girlfriend through mutual friends and at first i could believe my luck. She was gorgeous, funny and we had a few things in common. Unfortunately i suffer from low self esteem and anxiety and was under the assumption that I would never find a girl as pretty, funny and intelligent as my girlfriend so naturally i did ANTHING to please her.

    After about a fortnight she confessed that her last boyfriend was really possessive and controlling and accused her of all sorts. As the conversation went on she confessed that she’d been abused as a child so naturally this made my willingness to please even more profound.

    The relationship went on and the cracks stared to appear, argument and so on so my excuse for this was that the honeymoon period had disappeared and as she is my first “adult” relationship I was naive to what normal is.

    I am now at the point where any move I make, any opinion, any action i tend to make is wrong. I can’t emphasize how she goes over me with a fine tooth comb, searching for things to pick holes in me for.

    ABSOLUTLEY EVERYTHING (can’t express this enough!!!!)

    She has came in to my house slamming doors and once she kicked me, which i can handle but probably shouldn’t be in any relationship. She blackmails me when we have an argument or forget to do something or anything she disagrees with by saying “don’t you remember the date is today? followed by something traumatic. Every time our relationship careers to the end she’ll bring up the trauma of her childhood and make me feel guilty. Through this year and a half i have felt more guilt and depression than I have in all my life.

    This is really heartbreaking for me as i would always think when i was younger as long as i loved a girl and she loved me id have my life panned out but that not as life goes apparently. I love this girl so much but i can’t put up with this. As this is my first relationship i have no basis of comparison, i might leave this girl and miss her like crazy
    :(

  13. ian
    June 16, 2012 at 10:50 am

    Yer I experience most of these, jealous outbursts from saying hi to her friends, that I don’t care about her, to starting arguments for no reason then when I defend myself i get. Called all types of names, I’m at the end of my rope I love her but the love comes back in dries and draws I’m always on guard waiting for the nxt outburst she won’t see anyone because nothing is wrong with her. Jus sick of her projecting her insecurities on me been 2 yrs now, no affection sex or anything nice for a while. When she feels bad she just buys me stuff I need love dammit

  14. June 14, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    hi Guys,Hi Julian,it hurts to leave this woman because we loved her,I loved my wife so much ,I think thats why it hurts so much what she did and me having to leave.The abuse and control intensified over the years,I tried to compensate by trying harder and harder to be perfect so as to give her no reason ,no matter how small or insignificant to verbally attack me.This was highly stressful to do.You may wonder why I didnt stand my ground .Its because i soon learned that she was never ever gonna back down ,she was always gonna take it to the next level and I knew were it would end up,one of us seriously hurt or dead,probably her,because physically I know I could defend myself,ive had training in fighting arts,but emotionally there was no chance .People understand the term battered senseless in a physical way.Mental and emotional abuse is as destructive and hurtful as anything else I can think of because it rips into your soul,the very core of your being,it destroys your spirit,your identity as an individual.People need to know what it feels like to be mentally,emotionally and verbally battered senseless into submission for days ,weeks,months,years until youre forced into capitulating and bowing to another persons will or whim or opinion out of sheer exhaustion and sleep deprivation.Most people dont seem to understand how traumatic this is.I believe that it is equal to trying to recover from the trauma of being in a literal war for years.It has left me feeling like my brain circuits are fried coz of overload,or lack of use[coz she literally prevented me from reading,learning,doing puzzles which I liked] or both.I forget stuff easily,lose concentration easily and find it next to impossible to focus my mind on anything.And if anything remotely stressful comes along I fall apart,cry,stomach ache and feeling of urgently needing toilet etc.It is slowly improving but this is 15 months after leaving.Wow.Wasnt expecting it to take this long ,but then again im recovering from 28 yrs of it.Main thoughts and feelings im still strugglin with are guilt and self confidence and that I dont deserve any pleasure or happiness.My mind tells me these are not logical or reasonable thoughts and feelings ,but still they persist.Any comments please.

  15. DIP
    June 14, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    Dang, this sums up my wife to a T. It is like a rollercoaster ride in my house. Especially when i say “NO” to her about something. She flips out and calls me a jerk, tells me i don’t love her anymore and tells me to leave. My wife definitely has issues and needs help , NOt sure how much longer I can handle a narcissistic woman. I am a cool, calm and laid back guy, I don’t need all this damn stress and disrespect in my life. Like some of the people on here said, “Life is too short to be miserable” I agree.

    • Anon
      July 5, 2012 at 1:47 am

      I know what your going though. Hope you can work it out

  16. June 10, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    I have been living with my girl friend a little over a year now and she has really changed since we first meant, which yes I know in the begining everyone puts their best foot forward. but her behaviour over the last couple of months has worsened and I’ve never experienced anything like it before in any other relationship. I have been searching the internet for months in hopes of finding out whats going on I felt like I was going crazy. I know I’m not perfect but in my heart I have tried to have a happy relationship with her but more often lately no matter what I do were getting into it and I’d always be left trying to figure out what the hell just happened. your article hit the the nail on the head. I love her so much but after reading your article I now know that I’m not always to blame and that I’m not going crazy and that no matter what I do nothing can change the way she is not even keeping my mouth shut because I tried that too and it don’t work…lol I know that my girlfriends father was very abusive to her and her mother while she was growing up so maybe this has been a learned behaviour for her that she can’t change… so sad but true and I know even though its gonna hurt what I must do.
    Thankyou

    • DIP
      June 14, 2012 at 1:30 pm

      Hey Jeff, I am in the same situation. IT’s pretty much a damned if you do and damned if you don’t kind of relationship. When our women get in these abusive moods, there is nothing we can do to make them happy. We try and talk it through with them but that just makes it worse and then if we just leave them alone they think we don’t care and try and make us feel like the bad guys. What i hate is that she dwells on stupid stuff all day long. I will be at work and she will text me and i will text her back, well for some reason she will take a text and turn it around and make it a mean text. So she will bitch and complain about how terrible of a husband i am and how i am a jerk. She will threaten to leave for no reason at all. So I get home after 8 hours of working and she is still pissed off over nothing at all. I have given up and really don’t care what happens to our relationship. Her mother is the same way and my wife is turning into her. It’s not looking to good in my household. I do wish you the best, but its never too late to get out and be happy. Men like us deserve respect and shouldn’t have to put up with all this B.S.

      • Ryan
        July 2, 2012 at 3:49 pm

        DIP,

        Its high level manipulation…..all it is brother. Once you accept that most of these things are done to trry and get a reaction out of YOU it makes it easier to not get upset. Very hard not to react i know when someone tells you they are going to divorce you, kill themselves, or some other high level threat but i know from experience its manipulation. You can’t soothe them or make it better…..they want you to be upset and come chasing after them….its a twisted game. Next time she threatens to leave you or something else just calmly say, “Ok” and go back to what you were doing. She will be furious if you dont react to her threats. Once you can accept what she is then it becomes easier to do what have to to get away from it.

  17. Wren friend
    June 7, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    “She completely denies or goes back on something you absolutely know she said, or claims something didn’t happen the way you thought it did. She twists it around to be something else. As if it were all in your imagination…She denies she meant it that way, or it happened that way. She denies it made you feel that way or it was as extreme as it was. In it’s simplest form, she is deliberately confusing you to make you believe you were imagining it. It works because it is information coming from someone you trust and intimately care for.” http://www.escapingabuse.org.uk/emotional-abuser-her/denial-gaslighting-confusion-evading/

    For absolute objectivity’s sake…let me qualify…yes, I realize the pronouns could be switched.

    “There are so many methods of control I just never realized.” SNM

    Not sure if my editing of the quote box will work right, but I was thinking about the statement from SNM: “There are so many methods of control I just never realized.”

    In the past few days I’ve been putting things together which have led me to now question if I am dealing with more than one disorder re my S.O. Of course, it might be true that I am dealing with not any full blown disorder at all, but I’m no expert. I will lay down a question here to which I hope someone responds…lay it down as if I am dealing with one disorder only, narcissism.

    If I were to think of my SO’s kind moods as one personality “SO-K” and what I think may be her alternative manipulating-ones as representing “SO-M”…then I could say that what always amazes me, just as with SNM perhaps, is the large number of always-available & always-quasi-deniable types of statements that SO-M is able to bring into play. The message I seem to be getting from SO-M is: My repertoire of remarks over which you could puzzle your life away is endless. Does anyone else here come up with these same inner questions (from where? & is that really the message?)…or has anyone in the past?

    Most manipulations I deal with are verbal (if manipulations they are); one other is the
    move-out thing (twice in 2 wks, eg). A big question that seems to be all the time hitting me is: from where the drive to be so obsessed with nothing but making the remarks and then controlling my mind during the deconstruction (watering down)? There’s no money in it. It should occur to her that it’s driving me away. OTOH, it’s scary to think about…but they are driving me to a very, very, very, very, very…low down wrung of existence. And perhaps, if I allow more and more descent, they’re not driving me away at all, but cementing me closer.

    • Free at Last
      June 7, 2012 at 8:12 pm

      Wren, thanks for posting the article link; it’s good to know that there’s another site out there that provides suppport for abused men.

      I think you’re trying way, way too hard to analyze and diagnose your crazy SO. When you look at the posts from Dr.T and the more experienced members here, you’ll see terms like “disordered,” “high-conflict,” “Crazy Bitch” and so on. It doesn’t matter what “official” label you apply to these people; all that matters is (a) they’re toxic and abusive, and (b) there’s nothing you or anyone else can do about it, so get out of there ASAP.

      Also remember that nearly all disordered people can’t be pigeon-holed into one specific “official” diagnostic label; there’s always much overlap and any particular person will usually exhibit characteristics of multiple specific disorders.

      To understand where the motivation comes from, I think Dr.T’s latest article (on the “main” shrink4men.com site) would be very helpful:

      http://www.shrink4men.com/2012/06/06/winning-vs-taking-what-does-winning-mean-to-abusive-high-conflict-andor-personality-disordered-women/

      BTW, you’re right about your last point about abuse “cementing you closer.” The longer you try to endure the abuse, the more likely that you will just give up (it’s called “learned helplessness”) and become dazed, confused and depressed. Paralyzed, in effect.

      Please don’t try too hard to understand your abusive SO; you’ll drive yourself crazy. There’s no need for that; she’s already driving you crazy.

    • SNM
      June 8, 2012 at 1:30 pm

      WF, Glad I could get you thinking. I can elaborate. I don’t want to use the word naive but I think that I was in a way. I was trying to make our relationship work. My goal was what was best for both of us. I assumed, and she told me that this was her goal too. So, naturally I took off the table the idea that she was really just out for herself the whole time. This kinda blinded me to manipulation tactics.

      One night I ‘woke up’ under some spectacular circumstances. It’s too long of a story but I will say that out of the blue I started to speak up to total strangers I had met at a party about how I was feeling. They told me the same things my friends and family had been telling me for some time. For some reason, when it came from them I finally understood what was going on and my situation was suddenly so clear.

      I was furious! I wanted to go home that night and pack and leave. Instead, I was still questioning my judgement. I decided that I was not going to participate in her games and set boundaries. Basically to give it one more chance, but from a different no-fog perspective. And this is when I found this site and talked to Dr. Tara. From then on out just about everything unfolded exactly the way Dr Tara and a lot of the other guys on this site said it would. This fueled my anger as I had felt like I had been consciously manipulated for 20 years.

      I was thinking though, what kind of evil person does these things to someone they say they love? And I was still very angry. But over time, and a lot of reading I have come to the conclusion that somehow she learned how to do these things unconsciously. Although there are some examples on you-tube on how to manipulate someone, there is no ‘school’ that I know of for how to learn manipulation tactics. So, right or wrong I came to the conclusion that survival instinct (fear of abandonment) in conjunction with trial and error taught her over time how to best control me to get what she wanted. And I unwittingly participated because of what I said in paragraph 1 – that we were working as a team.

      So my point is after all this I have much less anger and so happy I am free. And now I have a new way of looking at life and relationships that is a lot more healthy. Yeah, so she controlled me and I was miserable for quite some time – I can’t change that. And I can’t completely let go of the anger because I need to guard myself against the dreaded hoover routine. I am hoping that by participating here and telling my story I can help other guys remove the blinders, and see what is really happening to them – like was gifted to me from total strangers. And also, telling bits and pieces of my story from time to time is cathartic.

      • Wren friend
        June 11, 2012 at 4:31 pm

        Appreciate it greatly, SNM.

        Ok, say a person learns to do these things unconsciously. If it’s a “mild” narcissist, would there be any anything uncharacteristic that would give away that the conscious conscience is wrestling a bit?

        Dr T, I’d appreciate hearing from you too if you end up with a spare moment.

        In our relationship there is no cheating (that I’m aware of). Because we’re not out in public as much these days looking for yfi or out working together elsewhere, I am not that often humiliated in public. Though this does happen when we’re out. I later hear, ‘No, it wasn’t public there.’ Anyway, what mainly happens is that the affectionate person is gone, and another one is there who’s bored with my presense. And, number 2, what mainly happens is: dagger remarks emerge out of a stream of civil, friendly conversation (yes, abruptly) then there are (all total) days spent on things like, “No, I didn’t say ‘This won’t work’…I said ‘We can’t come to agreement.'” Or IOW days spent on what the remarks really meant…not of course to be meant as anything equivalent to daggers.

        Is that typical?

        Or she really flubs up, and the selfishness would have been plain to an amoeba. Then there is some honest regret on her behalf. But after a night of honest regret, when the next day comes…more “sharing” resumes where I must come to “know her better”…IOW must come to know in given cases X, Y, & Z why an “independent” nature excuses her from a, b, & c normal “considerate” acts…and if I expected more I was OH so wrong.

        Is that typical?

      • Wren Friend
        July 1, 2012 at 12:20 pm

        I read the article you recommended, Free at Last. Very, very insightful. Thanks.

        What you wrote last in response, SNM, reads differently than when I first looked at it. Maybe it’s because I just told my S.O. that I want no more contact save to square away money matters. I’m sorry it didn’t sink in before, but I kept trying to have hope. And then I wrote another stupid post asking if thus and such was really a symptom. Sorry if I read as though what you guys wrote hadn’t meant to me what it should have.

        I have a $50 text on cognitive tx of personality disorders (Beck et al). It sez that narcissists can create a very competent professional persona. It sez they can BE successful. And it sez they can be successful because they are narcissists.

        Well, my just departed SO does this. In fact, my just departed (from house) SO can do this like a spy out of a LeCarre novel. Of course, it involves intelligence. Lots. It so happens that about a mo or two ago I read what Fromm had to say about intelligence vs reason. Intelligence is what facilitates successful manipulation. Reason OTOH wishes to apprehend reality as it is, the good and the bad. I didn’t start out with a high IQ. My interests after dropping out of college and after finally graduating sharpened me up a little. I can, however, see a potential for intelligence. If someone becomes an example to intelligence, intelligence may be persuaded to try a little reasoning. Look at this guy from Cigna, Wendell Potter…who finally had to spill the beans on the way HMOs really operate.

        And so, I still would like to have hope for her. I felt her reaching for me. But Fromm says love is different for narcissists. I’d agree. I’d say the real thing from them comes through in between all the rest. Lucky for her, my SO can feel empathy for a certain category of the disadvantaged. So, she must be a “mild” case. I do know, though, that outside that category…when it comes to romance…mild in one sphere didn’t preclude a lot of things being taken from me. Actually, it felt like my soul.

        There was this account she’d give of how she’d try (to love me or reach me). The account was phony. But I could feel love coming through in other moments she might not have chosen to use as examples of her efforts. [Everything that was real from her and real from me to her…I think she’s forgotten. IMO it’s because they aren’t valued as folks with “natural affection” value things] She’d say she wanted to do things together. She paid for my gym membership eg. But…she couldn’t resist “distancing” acts which devastated me about every three days. Once we had five normal days in a row.

        The “taking” theme from the article, Free at Last, jibed with something I had to come to grips with last night. My mother died 3 yrs ago, and I treasured the clothes I remember her wearing. I also treasured the way she had arranged things in the kitchen. It was her. Kitchen and closet were packed but…nevertheless. It was taking me time to get things weeded out. Now all the clothes are out of my mother’s closet. This was such a necessity, but my SO never thought how she might attempt to cease the distancing in order that the resultant fights wouldn’t ultimately cause her to remove her stuff from the closet too. There it is, empty. The order my mother had things in the kitchen is gone, and I never know where cooking utensils are. Now, I’ll quote from a communique to my ex-SO I drafted up last night.

        “…you have the audacity to say I can’t live with you AND these memories of your mother as you carry them here.”

        “This absurdly angry-you has packed up all her stuff, and still has the nerve to come back and say ISMW: ‘Organize your house thusly, and I might just come back. In addition to moving the beds I’d like you to rearrange the rest of the furniture in your mother’s room…and make space in your un-cooled room for the things I don’t want to see in hers when I come over’ (temperature was 97).”

        Learned them unconsciously, SNM? I think you must be going in the right direction with that. But I suppose I may never know just how conscious these cluster B types can be of their manipulations [the things they learned], since I am not them! True, I would LIKE to know. But if I knew she was real conscious of that memory-of-your-mother-remark, I’d give up my hope and simply remember her in requests to the Great Spirit as often as I could.

        Ah but, maybe it’s a mechanical thing (imitation as you say, SNM) and, even being a mother, she never really experienced the supremely positive possession of a memory of such devoted support (mine was exceptional and weathered a lot of my ups and downs over the yrs, always imparting to me uplift and hope). If that’s the case (and you ever read this, SO) and I realize by some means that that’s the case, then know that I want the Great Spirit to give you what you lack…so that you can go on.

        The article Free at Last linked for me http://www.shrink4men.com/2012/06/06/winning-vs-taking-what-does-winning-mean-to-abusive-high-conflict-andor-personality-disordered-women/
        Hang in there, Fred. Be willing to bet I cried as much as you.

      • Free at Last
        July 5, 2012 at 8:54 pm

        Wren Friend, I’m glad I got you thinking, too. BTW, don’t feel bad about over-analyzing your SO to the point of buying a $50 textbook on personality disorders. I’ll confess to having done hundreds of hours of research trying to figure out what the hell I was dealing with and how to fix it (and I’m sure that many others here have done the same). It’s a natural process we all seem to go through, but the end result is always the same: it doesn’t matter which slot we pigeonhole a disordered woman into, because there’s nothing that you or anyone else can to do fix her. Leaving is the only option.

        BTW, it’s ironic that the American Psychiatric Association has changed most of the “pigeonholes” for personality disorders in the upcoming DSM-V anyway. See http://www.dsm5.org/ for more details.

  18. June 7, 2012 at 7:59 am

    Hi everyone its Chris.Not checked in for a couple of weeks.Continuin to improve slowly but steadily its a long road to recovery from 28 yrs of abuse.Still strugglin with guilt[that i could have done more]sometimes and for leaving and breakin up the family,but its lessening and getting things more in perspective.Still strugglin with the thoughts that im responsible for her ,but only sometimes.Still strugglin with low self esteem ,but again slowly,steadily improvin.Lookin from the outside in ,I wonder how I stuck it so long and how I endured the stress,coz its not possible for anyone to endure that intensity of prolonged stress.But somehow im here and even starting to feel almost normal again sometimes.Trauma.Its like recovering from being in a literal war.Shell shocked,war weary,battle fatigue.The constant unrelenting stress of trying to detect incoming attacks beforehand and ……etc.I can only repeat to anyone reading these comments ,in an abusive relationship,get out urgently before you lose your mind,self worth,self confidence and even your will to live because that is the inevitable end result if you stay.Hope youre ok Julian .

    • Free at Last
      June 7, 2012 at 7:45 pm

      Chris, it’s good to hear from you and know that you’re improving. It’s a struggle and will continue to be one, but the longer you stay away from your ex, the more your head will clear and your perspective will become more aligned with reality. Thanks for stressing to the readers here that you have to get out of abusive relationships – there’s nothing like hearing it from a survivor. Keep on healing! – Julian.

  19. MadMama
    June 4, 2012 at 5:19 pm

    Thank you, Mellaril, I will check it all out.

  20. MadMama
    June 4, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    My son is living with and expecting a baby with a girl who fits this to a tee. How can we help him?

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