Animated Video: Narcissistic Wife Yelling at Husband


I made my own animated video on Xtranormal. This really is too much fun. You’ve got to try it. The script was inspired by the stories men have posted on A Shrink for Men about their wives and girlfriends. I’m actually thinking of creating videos to include in my regular blogs to illustrate points, sort of like “dramatic reenactments.”

If anyone reading this would like to create their own videos it’s super easy to sign-up at Xtranormal for their free basic service. You don’t have to download anything and it automatically publishes it to YouTube if you wish to do so. In fact, if anyone would like to create their own video and send me the URL embed link, I’ll post it on A Shrink for Men (provided its not obscene or espousing violence, hate crimes, etc.)

This took me about an hour to create while watching The Philanthropist (why oh why did James Purefoy, a.k.a. the best Marc Antony ever, sign on for that project?) last night. I’m still trying to master the timing of the gestures, movements and expressions with the dialogue. It’s the first one I’ve done, so please forgive some of the glitches.

by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

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  1. Underthethumb
    July 8, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    OMG – you must be having an affair with my wife (luck would be a fine thing) – it could be her shouting at me 100%

    Spot on thanks – I now know tis not I who is crazy and now exactly what happened just now (with now being the last 20 yrs)

  2. shrink4men
    July 21, 2009 at 7:36 pm

    Hi Tony,

    Can you post the link to video you made? I’d like to see it and perhaps post it.

    Thanks,
    Dr Tara

    • July 21, 2009 at 8:24 pm

      Hi Dr. T.

      I am not sure how to post the link. The software seems to strip it out. I have loaded it to you tube. I replied to the notification email I recieved for your comment and then noticed that the email addy was donotreply@….

      I have the you tube link in the website box above. Here it is;

      I should make it clear that the narc attack trigger is genuine. The last I can recall, but the conversation did not run this way. However, in the past all these are typical responses that my wife has made. I read that NPD respect physical beauty and intelligence. They are particularly threatened by both. My wife was unemployed and I was on undergraduate student when I met her. So any percieved injury against her intelligence self perception…. Kaboom, This is in spite of the fact that she studied for a degree while our kids were young (with my support). I have told her how I respect this and I am genuinely proud that she advanced herself.

      • shrink4men
        July 24, 2009 at 2:26 am

        Thanks for the link, Tony. It’s like these women all received the same script from casting.

  3. Tony
    July 21, 2009 at 7:31 pm

    I made the following animation to illustrate how easy it is to trigger a Narc attack. The event is based on factual events, the trigger is the last one I recall with my wife. However, I recognised it happening immediately and handled it so much better. Even just understanding my wifes problem is so empowering!

    However, all the things that the woman says have been said to me. In the past I have not always been as patient and reasonable as the husband in the clip, but even when I have and have mastered myself the outcome is the same. This video is not unfair. Rage and insult are the hallmarks of narc attack.

  4. GH
    July 5, 2009 at 7:23 am

    OMG! You are so accurate with your descriptions on this blog that it seems you must have lived with me and my soon-to-be X.

    I do wonder, though, whether I should have listened to that so late at night — It is sure to bring nightmares of my 15 years spent in the prison of my marriage! Actually, after nearly 10 months of being free of the daily abuse, the bad dreams have mostly stopped.

  5. thom
    June 27, 2009 at 2:50 am

    I failed to reach my point in my long winded ramble…

    You just can’t reason with a BPD/NPD individual – so it is pointless to try

    They are right and it is your job to comply or you are ” a bad communicator” you are “abusive” or “you don’t care about them enough”…

  6. thom
    June 27, 2009 at 2:03 am

    Wow-

    Change Wyoming to Hawaii in your movie and that was a script was exactly what I lived with and put up with for 2 years.

    Responding to the irrational accusations or trying to reason with a BPD/NPD indiviual if futile. In my experience the discussion goes from trying to solve a problem, to trying to defend statements I made while solving the problem that were misunderstood by my ex, to trying to defend myself and my persona from personal attacks, and ultimately getting threatened with divorce and running of with our child.

    There is no productive conclusions, no compromising, just the will of the NPD/BPD to be right at all costs – to be in control.

    Her viewpoint constantly shifted (like changing the rules of the game midstream)

    I said I wanted more intimacy and tried everything…she said I was only interested in her physically.

    So I told her whenever she was ready I was…

    The next night I gave her a big hug and goodnight kiss and went to bed.

    I came home to tears and accusations that I was cheating on her and that she wanted to be intimate the night before and that “I should have sensed that”…

    I calmed her down (said I was sorry for misinterpreting her signs) and then went to bed.

    The next night I brought her flowers, picked up her favorite dinner, told her to go to the gym while I watched/fed/put the baby down. When she got home the house was lit with candles and flower petals all around the house…I ran us a bubble bath and was waiting in just my towel when she arrived home – but she said she was tired and wanted to go to bed early…

    and so it goes

    no rhyme, no reason, no consistency, and eventually I stopped trying to even touch her at all.

    She didn’t work and I took on extra jobs to make ends meet (she ran up a $10000 credit card bill in one year) yet she accused me of staying late at work to avoid her and hang out with other women…I said I missed her and my child dearly every day and she said “You can find another job – a night job – and you would if you loved us more than your students.”

    Even though I spent 8yrs getting my Masters in Education so I could be a teacher/administrator…

    Her father is a wet blanket. He sits silently as the 4 girls run the show. His wife took a job 2 time zones away form where they lived without consulting him first…She moved 1000 miles away and told him that he would never see her (or her first child from another marriage if he didn’t propose – so he drove to CA and proposed) so it set a precedent on how things continue to run in her family.

    In another post it said you need to be an ass or someone who takes all the punishment. Unfortunately I am neither and set boundaries. This is what led her to leave me and run off with my child (like her mother before her)…yet she told her family/friends that I kicked her out…

    • Bob
      July 14, 2009 at 12:58 am

      wow this site may have saved my sanity,my wife and her mother are in every paragraph,the repetition of her fathers life is unacceptable to me ive tryed everything under th sun to repair our life together and sadly this information seems to lead me to believe theres no point ,if anyone has advice re:how to get these issues into court i would be grateful my three children are so important to me and to leave them would be devastating,i am just hanging on here thanks Bob

      • shrink4men
        July 22, 2009 at 5:32 pm

        Hi Bob,
        I’m sorry to read about your difficult situation. My advice to you is to document everything. Keep a journal of dates, times and rage episodes. If you’re going to pursue custody, it’s essential you have a record of the abusive behaviors to give to the court evaluators. I also highly recommend you consult with an attorney who specials in high conflict divorce and father’s rights.

        Kind Regards,
        Dr Tara

  7. Mr. E.
    June 26, 2009 at 2:51 pm

    C – with a verbally abusive partner, the target doesn’t HAVE to say anything even slightly rude. And since abusive behavior is a pattern, the target eventually stops arguing because all he/she wants is for the abusive partner to calm down and act decent again.

    • shrink4men
      June 26, 2009 at 4:27 pm

      Thanks for fielding that one, Mr E.

    • jp
      June 26, 2009 at 8:17 pm

      Arguments between my ex and me almost always included a dispute about what actually was said in previous discussions we’d had, or what had actually transpired between us in prior situations. We could never agree on a shared version of reality and she literally believed I was always incorrect and she was incapable of being wrong in this area.

      I’ll never forget the day I learned she believed she was infallible in this respect. Suspecting as much, I asked her: “Honey, when it comes to these arguments, do you actually believe that my version of events is NEVER correct…and you literally cannot be wrong about yours?”

      She said, “Yes.”

      Now in my view, a belief in infallibility–even in just one respect–should be considered a narcissitic trait, although I don’t know if the literature makes that case.

      In any case, my point is that you literally cannot argue with people who believe they can never be wrong, if by argue you mean ‘have a debate in good faith that leads to a mutually satisfactory resolution’.

      Try to do so for long enough and you will most likely slip under the waves into a state of passive defeat/learned helplessness/depression/etc. In other words, the state of the guy captured so perfectly in this video.

      His little head droop at the end says it all.

      JP

      • July 21, 2009 at 10:18 pm

        JP. For me it gets so bad that we cannot agree something that was said 5 minutes previously!!! Usually when my wife contradicts herself. I was never sure if she really believed it or was lying. I don’t know which is worse…. the crazy bitch that doesn’t know what she said 5 minutes ago, or the crazy bitch that doesn’t care that we both know is lying so long as she admits nothing… or possibley it’s me that’s crazY. Yes arguments are pointless. No wonder the man is passive and calm – resigned and broken.

  8. Laura
    June 26, 2009 at 1:12 pm

    Projection. It’s about putting your labels for yourself onto someone else…Typically the person who is close to you and is trying to love you.

    You say they’re distanced from you and not interested in you, but really, you’re the one who is doing the distancing with your words and actions. They’re left confused and you’re frustrated because people don’t always fit the labels you give them, so you try to jam them back into that box you made for them so you can continue to be a hurt victim from whatever happened to you in childhood because you choose to not find a better way or there’s just too much work to be done to make yourself better so “everyone else is the problem.”

    Meanwhile you’re just a disconnected soul void of any ability to connect…truly connect with anyone so you come off as a total headcase and people…well, the smart ones just disconnect from you or just have no choice but to disconnect from you because there was likely, really no real connection in the first place. Because you’re essentially defective. I know it sounds harsh, but it’s a defect. If you work on it, you’ll have good moments and then you’ll have moments where you slide back into the old ways and people lose hope in you. Because getting that negative treatment is so damaging to a person’s soul.

    If you have BPD or NPD, buy a shack in the middle of nowhere and a lot of cats. Connecting with others is really hard and confusing because your filters for everything aren’t right…they’re defective. You can bet everyone you come into contact with, you’ll confuse and hurt even when you’re trying to be a better person and be aware of all the defects. And it really sucks when you realize how much you hurt people with these defects if you have the ability to realize even 10% of what you’re doing and you have a conscience and empathy — even just from time to time when you allow yourself to feel that (empathy or any other emotion than anger) — anger is just a cover for all the hurt. and then you just continue to spread the hurt around because you’re really unsure about all these other emotions.

    it’s just nuts. i could ramble on and on about it, but really, it’s nuts!

    You are distanced from you and not interested in yourself. It’s nuts.

    I’m sorry to all those guys and girls out there who even try to tolerate it even for a moment or 20 years.

    • Mr. D
      July 23, 2009 at 9:41 pm

      Wow, Laura. I copied your comment into a Word document for future reference.

      My wife of 13 years was diagnosed with BPD characteristics a year ago by a psychiatrist. We’re going through her first full-throttle BPD meltdown since the diagnosis – and now I know what it is. This comment nails what I see going on in her.

      She could care less if all the people she’s cut off are friends of mine or our kids…doesn’t think about how long we looked for a decent church family after moving here and finally found real people. It never entered her mind that friends work through stuff.

      All that matters is her hurt.

      I’m coming to realize that she is choosing her Dad’s verbal, physical and emotional abuse and Mom’s inaction 25 years ago over our family today. She has agreed to see a therapist so I have a strand or two of hope left.

      We’ll see.

      • shrink4men
        July 24, 2009 at 2:19 pm

        God luck, Mr D. Please check back and let us know how it’s going for you.

        Kind Regards,
        Dr Tara

  9. c
    June 26, 2009 at 12:48 pm

    Well, this is interesting for sure. But where is the part where the man instigates or responds? The woman is obviously a controlling, miserable bitch. But shouldn’t the man be arguing back? The woman is saying he is “abusive” when he didn’t even say anything remotely rude to her, he is actually pretty passive. Plus she is ordering him around, when did that ever work? The man seems sort of unreal, he is just being trampled by this woman’s horrible attitude. But where is the trigger for her behaviour??

  10. shrink4men
    June 26, 2009 at 3:50 am

    I’ve always said, to those who know me professionally and personally, that overly bright/dark/heavily applied/slightly crooked lipstick is always a red flag/dead give-away sign of a truly crazy woman. In fact, the brighter and more heavily applied shade of red, the more crazy she is. WATCH OUT!

    Thanks, JP. I found it extremely cathartic/fun to make this little clip. There’s something about the abusive computer generated voice with the juxtaposition of marimba music that highlights just how absurd and ridiculous this kind of tirade is. If I were a man subjected live and in person to one of these attacks, I’d be having an out of body experience in which I was viewing it as this type of cartoon.

    Thanks for your continued support and participation with the blog. I appreciate it more than you know.

    Kind Regards,
    Dr Tara

    • jp
      June 26, 2009 at 4:50 am

      The more I watch it the more entranced I become. It’s like “Davey & Goliath” meets my older sister/ex-wife/Linda Fiorentino-in-The-Last-Seduction while the intro to Altered Images’ Happy Birthday loops seductively in the background creating a perfect storm of twisted nostalgia and masochistic yearning.

      OMG, it’s been so long since I was abused.

      Quick…somebody treat me like sh*t!

      Just kidding. No…really…

      JP

    • RedMenace
      March 2, 2010 at 8:04 pm

      What about turquoise finger nails? To me that is a sign.

  11. jp
    June 26, 2009 at 2:23 am

    “What just happened?”

    Perfect.

    Not sure which I like more…her pyscho lipstick pattern or the cool marimba soundtrack,…

    Well done!

    JP

  1. December 17, 2010 at 6:31 pm

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