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How Do I Get My Crazy, Abusive Girlfriend Out of My House and My Life?


I received this email from a woman involved in a lesbian relationship. This site is for men involved with abusive women. I am publishing this variation on abusive women for two reasons: 1) to illustrate that abusive women’s behavior isn’t exclusive to men. Abusers are abusers; it’s not you. They target their nearest and dearest no matter your sex and; 2) to debunk the claims by the trolls who periodically visit this site that women aren’t really abusive and that men are always to blame. Acknowledging same sex (woman-on-woman) violence (psychological or physical) is a dirty “little” secret that’s often swept under the rug by feminists and our society.

Dear Dr Tara,

I hope you can help me. I am a woman. A gay woman. A gay woman in the middle of trying to lose her extremely disturbed girlfriend.

We were together for 7 years. It is only in the last few weeks that I’ve realized she’s “not on the planet.” Until I get out of this situation, I am terrified of becoming emotionally paralyzed by how blind and stupid I have been.

When we met, she was married with three children and four grandchildren. She fell in love with me. She left her husband and children. I got hooked. I now realize it wasn’t love. Nevertheless, we bought a house together and she quit her job to go to college full-time. I supported her for five years. The fighting, rage and abuse was always present. Initially, I questioned and blamed myself. Was I not sensitive enough? Was I communicating badly? Did I really not understand the pressure she was under? The abusiveness really escalated 3 years ago when I wanted to start a family by artificial insemination.

At the beginning of our relationship, she thought a child was a great idea, but when it came down to doing it, it was a very different story. I was an “airy fairy” if I thought I could bring up a child. How was [I] going to support a child when she claimed that [I] couldn’t even take care of [her.] When I pointed out that I managed to buy our home and support the both of us comfortably while she worked on her degree, she called me a “whore” and an “unsupportive c****.” Every time I asked her to discuss our relationship and how to improve it she would launch into a tirade within seconds.

I was on the receiving end of the following diatribes: ‘You always spoil things’ – ‘Why can’t you just let things go?’ – ‘You think your God, but your not’ – ‘You can’t control me.’ I stupidly persisted and insisted we go to counseling. Well, that backfired. She told the counselor I made her life hell and that if I would just change, we would have a wonderful relationship. My physical and mental health declined rapidly. The emotional pressure (i.e., tirades about what a “useless martyr” I am into the early hours of the morning after which I would have to go to work while she went to sleep off her rage buzz) was tremendous. My financial pressure was extreme.

This culminated in her standing outside my place of work screaming that I was a “disgusting whore” and should do the world a favor and kill [myself]. Even that didn’t stop me trying to “fix” myself to make her happy. I stopped jumping through hoops and began to detach from the relationship the night she told me she had more love, respect and loyalty to her ex-husband than she did for me. Her timing was beautiful. She had just completed her Masters exams, which I emotionally and financially supported her through. Over the past year, I have very slowly distanced myself from her.

But her rages continued. A few weeks ago, I stepped back and said to her, “If everyone else in my life thinks so highly of me, why am I listening and believing this?” She has been unemployed for the last year (I’m still paying the bills) and she is still telling me this crap. That’s when her attacks became physical.

I fought her off me. It lasted two hours. She got up the next morning, showed me her bruises and told me I needed help. How could someone as small as she was defend herself? I was in absolute shock. She attacked me and sustained bruises when I pushed her off of me. After this episode, I knew I need to get her out of my life.

I got a solicitor to try to remove her from my house. He sent two letters requesting that she vacate the premises. She ignored the first two letters until my solicitor sent a third one stating that he was going to petition the courts. She responded claiming she had been very busy on her Masters exams and that is why she ignored the letters. This was a lie as she had completed her program a year ago. She requested that all legal matters be halted so she could have ‘space and time’ to acquire my interest in the house.’ She then strutted her stuff around the house as if to say, ‘I’m not going anywhere – screw you’ and engaged the neighbours in what was going on.

My solicitor then responded by telling her she has 1 week to come to an agreement and that if she does not not that [I] will cancel the electricity, house insurance, life insurance, waste management and remove fittings, furnishings and appliances from the premises. She received this document 2 days ago. I know because of her behavior.

For the last 48 hours, she has been slamming doors, sitting in front of me, humming, getting up at all hours to take over the bathroom to cause me to be late for work and playing loud music to prevent me sleeping. Prior to this, there had only been one rage outburst in the last three months. I think purely because I have not engaged on any level with he. I have a huge sense of foreboding, which I can’t shake. I used to be really good at assessing people, but all I seem to think about is getting rid of her and what her next move is going to be?

Can you advise me in anyway at all?

Thank you for your site. It is enlightening and comforting to know I’m not losing my mind.

Ruth

Dear Ruth,

By your description, this woman sounds like a total nightmare and probably has one of the Cluster B personality disorders. Cluster B personalities rarely see themselves and their abusive, destructive behavior as the problem; it’s usually someone else’s fault. Additionally, Cluster B individuals refuse to hold themselves accountable for their behavior most of the time and have zero to little capacity for empathy, which seems to apply to your girlfriend.

Don’t beat yourself up for staying in a relationship with this woman. Your girlfriend is beating you up emotionally and physically enough for the both of you. Now is the time for you to get very clear, attend to the business at hand, protect yourself, your reputation and your property and focus on how great your future will be without this woman.

When you try to end your relationship with this type of person she will typically escalate the craziness and abuse and can become physically violent. Rejection is a grave blow to this kind of woman’s ego. In her mind, she’s perfect and you’re the one with the problems. How dare you leave her? Who do you think you are? She’ll show you, by god. Even if she’s the one who initiates the break-up—it doesn’t matter. These women often approach divorce and break-ups with a “winner takes all” mentality.

Ending a relationship with a woman like your girlfriend also represents a loss of control—over you, the relationship and her distorted view of reality. It challenges her world view and self view. These women react by amping up the craziness in a frenzied effort to get you back under their control. When she realizes she can no longer control you, she will then set out to try and destroy you.

She will try to take all your money, all your possessions, your relationships and your reputation. The goal is to have you walking around wearing nothing but suspenders and a barrel and to be shunned as an object of ridicule. It’s the equivalent of a General publically ripping the stripes off of a soldier for insubordination. Some targets of abuse cave at this point and try to appease the beast—many of these women can be truly terrifying when backed into a corner and/or if they feel like they’re about to lose control and/or be abandoned.

The menacing behavior you describe in regard to your girlfriend playing loud music so you can’t sleep at night, etc., reminds me of what the FBI did to the Branch Davidians in Waco, Texas back in the 1990s. She’s trying to scare you and/or make being in your home so unpleasant as to drive you out of it.

Talking trash to your neighbors and shaming you at your place of work are classic smear campaign tactics and is common behavior for women like your girlfriend. These women will often tell the most outrageous lies and make up abuse allegations to anyone who will listen—your family, friends, boss, colleagues and authorities. Your best defense is a good offense. Tell the people in your life what’s going on. Tell them you were embarrassed to admit that you were in an abusive relationship and didn’t want to involve anyone else. There’s no shame in this.

Abusive women like your girlfriend maintain their power by keeping their abusive behavior hidden from the outside world. Exposing these women for who and what they are diminishes their control. Oftentimes the best antidote for abuse is to shine a light on it. Some people will believe her lies. However, the people who know and care about you will be supportive and want to help.

My advice is: Don’t cave. It will only reinforce her bad behavior. Stand your ground. Don’t engage in the content of her accusations and insults. Calmly observe her as you would an out of control 5-year old child. Protect yourself and strengthen your resolve. It’s the beginning of the end of your life with her and the beginning of a much better life without her. Metaphorically, it’s like slaying the dragon to attain the treasure. The treasure, in this case, is getting your life and your sanity back.

If you haven’t already, I’d invest in a small digital recorder to document her abuse. Conceal it on your person and don’t let her know you’re recording her. You might also want to consider hiding a video camera to record her antics. Then, when she engages in her truly abusive behavior again (the physical abuse and the loud music playing into the night) call the police, show them your evidence and have them remove her from your home.

The recordings may not be admissible in court, but you need physical evidence to prove her behavior. I’m not a lawyer, so consult with your solicitor about this. Don’t feel guilty about surreptitiously recording her abusive behavior. Women like your girlfriend don’t play fair, so you have to protect yourself while not breaking the law.

Is the house is in your name? If so, I don’t understand why you just can’t have her forcibly removed from the premises—especially if she’s not paying rent and doesn’t have a lease. Change the locks while she’s out and give the local police a head’s up that they can expect a call and some high drama. The fact that you supported her through school could gain you some leverage. Even if she isn’t working right now, you could threaten her with a claim on her future earnings. I’m sure you don’t want support money from her, but you could use the threat as leverage to get her out of the house and your life.

You may also want to consider inviting a friend or family member to stay with you until you get her out of the house. These types will often behave themselves in front of witnesses. Meanwhile, if you have any treasured keepsakes or other valuables, I’d quietly remove them from the house so that she can’t destroy them or steal them. I encourage you to also discuss these matters with your solicitor. Hope this helps.

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consultation Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

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  1. Tiffany G.
    November 30, 2014 at 11:11 pm

    Thank you so much for the post. I feel reassured that other normal people have dated this type of person.
    I currently live with my ex, and plan on moving out by tonight.
    I have tried to break off the relationship several times. Each time he would try to talk me out of breaking up (to the point of not letting me) ((he would even flip a switch after a while of acting psycho; He would get on his knees, and say something like “what are we doing?” & “we started this fight over . . . ” he’d “do anything for me”))
    We would have fights that went sour quick & a few times a month. He would always be the first to raise his voice & get in my face & then eventually physically push me around. It got to the point where every time we kissed it felt like it hurt my soul.
    He brought me to my lowest point in my life- twice. I guess I put up with it because he made me feel like I was the one having problems (because nothing was his fault).
    Throwing every threat he could at me.
    I finally put my foot down, and decided that my happieness is not worth his pitty. The only other piece of advice I would offer to anyone dating someone like this is that: you can’t stay friends with this person, or continue on living with them even if it is post break up. This type of person will hold on to any bit of hope until it is painfully obvious to them that it’s over. Get support from people who care about you, and focus on your new chapter of your life without them, and all of the benefits that will come from gaining your freedom back!
    I hope that all of the hell I went through with him will help another girl (or guy) in the future.
    Thanks again!

  2. imjussagrl
    February 10, 2014 at 9:35 am

    Jesus H…..u can’t thank you enough for posting this. As a 36 yr old woman in an incredibly similar situation, I have been searching the internet for months for advice how to break-up with this type of person, but get her out of my house. Most websites mention packing and leaving, which isn’t an option for me.

    I manage apartments and my rent is free due to a requirement I live on-site. We went through a break-up a few years ago (and like a fool I broke down and took her back…ugh!) in which she made a huge scene to upset my neighbors (slamming doors, yelling obscenities in the parking garage, shouting in the hallways). I was fortunate no one complained to the corporate offices, I could have lost my job. We’ve since moved to another property due a transfer, but I’ve been miserable since we got back together 2 years ago. We just hit our 6 yr anniversary last month, and I can’t do it anymore. I’ve been so afraid of breaking up with her again, knowing how bad it was last time. I had to call the police she was threatening to kill herself and was being aggressive/violent towards me and then told the police I was restraining her against her will (so she couldn’t cut herself!!) and they cautioned me to be very careful or I could be the one winding up in jail. It’s funny now…or ironic…she broke up with me that time, in August, and things were “fine” until I had opened up to a coworker about our breakup and she opened my eyes to the abuse. By November, I had asked her to move out and that was when sh*t hit the fan. No more free rent, chores being done by someone else, bills being paid by someone else, vacations paid by someone else….by asking her to move out, she felt these were threatened and acted out. She is a yr younger than me, but earns about the same as I do. We don’t commingle funds, and she’s never paid me rent or for any of the utilities/cable.

    I’ve been afraid of a repeat and now that I know what to expect, I’m terrified, but I also simply can’t living like this. I’ve gotten a PO box for my mail (then realized I can’t have anything sent to it yet lest I bring that mail home and she notice the address) and realize I need to move my valuables/ keepsakes to a storage unit (haven’t started that yet).

    She had used my family against me last time (part of her manipulating her way back to a relationship with me), and honestly I see a lot of these same traits in my own mother. I sincerely don’t think I can tip my mom off about my gf’s abuse and expect any shred of support. I also fully expect she’ll contact my parents to use them against me again by feeding them lies about how I treat her.

    She has a big exam coming up, and then valentines day, and then I’m away for a work trip. I intend to break up with her upon my return (after getting storage/things moved there).

    Again, thank you for posting Ruth’s story and for your response to it!

  3. Rodney Barbati
    August 8, 2013 at 11:10 am

    Quite simply – if you are in this situation, forget about getting the other person to leave. Forget all about any material possessions you might have and start planning to leave your house. When your partner goes somewhere for a few hours, gather the minimal stuff you need and get the fuck out of there. Do not turn around, do not question yourself – just leave. If you are fortunate enought that your partner is gone for a day or two, pack up the entire house and move out.

    The bottom line is this – if you attempt to make the other person leave, you will probably par dearly for it. You will not be able to make the other person leave. You will not be able to protect your material possessions. There is a good chance you will not be able to avoid jail time.

    Just leave the house, leave the stuff, and don’t ever contact the other person again – simply vanish. You can regain all of that other stuff later.

  4. Kate
    June 28, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    In most, if not all, states in the U.S. you cannot change locks to keep someone out of your house if it has been their residence. You must go through a sometimes very lengthy eviction process. Unless you are willing to leave your own home during that process, you will simply be subjected to more abuse. This is the period in which the abuser will start accusing you of abuse and I suppose they could even get a Protection Order that would preclude you from being in your own home. Our laws are often crazy. If the psycho girlfriend is a lawyer, prepare for a long siege.

    The idea of getting a friend to come and stay is good if the friend is willing to subject themselves to unknown dangers. The abused should never be left alone with the abuser so that the abused has alibis for the inevitable charges the abuser will make.

    Having just been through this, here is my advice. Get evidence of the abuse whether it is video, recordings (illegal in most states), pictures of injury (taken by someone else who can testify as to injury, time, date), damage to premises; anything at all to illustrate the behavior of the abuser.

    Then, remove all the things in your home that are precious to you and make sure you have insurance for the building and everything else inside. Go to a safe place and be prepared to stay there until you can regain control of your home. Go to a judge and get a protection order. If you’re a man, you’ll need all the evidence and witnesses you can find because it’s hard to be believed. If you can get a Protection Order, at least in some states, then the abuser can be removed from the premises without eviction, which you should still do.

    If you cannot get a protection order. then you must begin the eviction process and be prepared to wait until the abuser is out of the home. It can take many weeks and even months, depending on the laws of the state and the resources of the abuser.

    DO NOT just leave before taking offensive action, and hope to get away clean. If this woman is truly psycho, she will do what the author says and she will seek to destroy you for thwarting her. Hard as it may be for you (and it probably is hard or you wouldn’t have become the victim in the first place), take the offensive. Make the first legal strike. In my state, you cannot get a protection order against someone who has already gotten one against you. Be the first. If she gets a Protection Order against you, then you have to leave your home and may have no opportunity to protect your belongings.

    You’ll want to walk away, to make peace, but this is the moment when you are going to have to “man-up.” Get over being passive and crying over lost love. You may still have feelings of love for her but by the time she is through with you, you will despise her, so just accept that now and get on with protecting yourself. Don’t be ugly or write awful things online or in email that will make you look like the nasty one (she’ll be pretty careful in public and in written communications). Just stay focussed on getting away clean and then being able to move on with your life.

    Don’t waste another precious moment of your life being the victim to someone else’s craziness. You know it’s going to end sometime so make it now and reclaim your sanity.

  5. DesperadoPilot
    June 11, 2013 at 5:27 am

    Un-friggin-believable. About 98% of what I am reading here applies to the hell I have been living in for the last decade. I could write a book that would put the TV soap-opera drama to shame.

  6. Mitch MaC
    March 19, 2013 at 10:05 am

    The article was very helpful

    Though I’m still scared about what can happen next I already lost a couple sentimental things
    And keep getting kicked out of the apartment. Two times tonight in the freezing blizzard going on. Shed then would call me n have come how. For things to b good for A little bit only for her.to start right back o er with everything.
    Every kind of abuse a women could do she has done to me. And its all my “fault” ……….. please someone just. Shoot me

  7. marc holmgren
    April 22, 2012 at 9:20 pm

    Sounds like my ex-GF, to a tee.She never did anything to anyone, it is the world that is screwed up. personally, I would like to see her get some real help. Thing is, she is really good at manipulating people. She would have you believing that mermaids and unicorns are leaping over the moon, after a few hours.

  8. danno
    December 21, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    I got my crazy, abusive (BPD) soon-to-be-ex-wife out of my house, at least, but she is far from being out of my life. At first I had custody of our son and possession of the house (which is legally my property, not hers). So far, so good. So my STBX turned to my crazy, abusive (NPD) father (who despises me, and she knows it) for moral and financial support. With his money and encouragement, she took me back to court and won custody of our son (because I spoke with him [our son] honestly about sex and death — two taboo subjects — never mind that she hits him [our son] in the head and face and calls him things like ‘f-gg-t’ and ‘little -ssh-le’). Now I am hearing that she and my son will be moving in with my father, who is going to put her through a course of study at the local college. He [my father] told me also that he is putting her into his will (and taking me out, I suspect). This is too, too, weird, like my head is about to explode.

    • shrink4men
      December 21, 2011 at 5:13 pm

      Hi danno,

      That is so sick and messed up. I’ve worked with individuals whose families (seriously messed up families of origin) who have done similar things. That is beyond disrespectful and cruel.

      Your father and your ex seem to deserve each other. Your son, however, does not. Will you appeal the custody decision?

      • danno
        December 22, 2011 at 12:18 pm

        Hi, Dr. T.,

        I appreciate your interest and your concern. But there is just no way I would willingly go back into that meatgrinder called the family court system. I feel completely worn out and beat down. That system is stacked against me, and I think it would just be a waste of energy, time, and money to have another go at it only to be raked over the coals again. Not only is it extrmely unlikely that I would win back custody of my son, but, if I did, those two psychos would not rest until he was back in their clutches. Besides, my STBX has used a combination of guilt-trips and threats of violence to maipulate my son to the point where he is like a trained monkey. He does and says everything she wants him to. He knows that resistance is futile.

        • danno
          March 12, 2012 at 5:01 pm

          It looks like I will be going back into the meatgrinder again, like it or not. I have been summoned to a hearing in Family Court in the city where my wife took my son so that I wouldn’t be able to see him any more. It’s about 12 hours by bus from where I live. She wants more money.

          She told me by phone that she doesn’t really need the money (she’s getting plenty from my dad), but she is doing this to yank my chain because I am hesitating to sign the release form to let her and our son move in with my dad. My dad lives in the USA, and the rest of us live overseas. My son can’t leave this country if I don’t sign the release form. That’s the only leverage I have.

          Once I sign it, those two psychos will be free to ride roughshod over me while grooming my son to be a new victim. I don’t really feel inclined to help them abuse me more, or to take my son even further from me than they already have.

  9. Christina
    December 20, 2011 at 7:48 am

    I can sympathize with Ruth on every level. I’m living the exact same nightmare. Only I have children and she is tormenting them as well. I called the police and she lies so well they took her side. I don’t know what to do next. I can’t lose my house, job etc. I worked too hard for these things.

  10. Linde
    March 25, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    How do you get her off the mortgage so you can refinance it in one name.. And
    not lose the home
    Thanks

    • shrink4men
      March 25, 2011 at 7:22 pm

      Hi Linde,

      That’s a question for an attorney. Not my area of expertise.

  11. serenissima
    November 19, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    A couple more things-

    We got into an argument last week when I told her she had to start treating me better and she blew up at me for giving her an ultimatum and told me to just ‘leave and so suck penis again because I know that’s what you want anyone’ before throwing a cup of water in my face. She then walked over, dried me off, hugged me, and promised to change. She’s been nice ever since which is throwing me for a loop.

    We also broke up a few months ago and I began saving money and looking at new apartments. When we got back together, I loaned her the money (STUPID, I know) so now she owes me over a thousand dollars and I’m too broke to move at this time. Plus we have a trip to Vegas for New Years coming up that’s already been paid for (tickets, hotel, transportation, everything, with both of our names on it all) and I know if I try to leave now she will just show up in Vegas.

    We went to New Orleans over the summer and on our last night there, she got upset when she found out I was still friends with an ex (even though I don’t mind her speaking to her exes) and put holes in the walls and destroyed other hotel property, so I know she won’t mind causing a scene in Vegas. This leads me to have real anxiety about trying to break up with her before the new year. I don’t know what to do.

  12. serenissima
    November 19, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    God. I could have written this. I am in a two year relationship with a woman that I just can’t seem to get out of my life. She is physically and emotionally abusive towards me but I keep forgiving her because of two things: one, I love her and two, I’m terrified of her.

    When we’ve broken up in the past she’s always gotten me back- slashing my car tires, stealing things from my apartment while I’m at work, etc. It’s gotten to the point where I want to break up but I don’t know where to start. She has keys to my house (that she made without asking) and my bedroom door no longer locks or closes properly because she kicked it in once when I locked her out after she slammed my fingers in the door (which she refuses to get fixed because it was ‘my fault for provoking her’).

    We’ve both been arrested for the violence and I have a restraining order in effect but the cops don’t take it seriously because we’re both women and she is a LOT smaller than me. But when she gets into one of her rages it’s like something takes over her body and she gets superhuman strength, plus she doesn’t mind using other objects to fight me.

    She’s thrown cups, shoes, a lamp, a tv, my laptop- anything she can get her hands on, then wants to act like everything is fine five minutes later once the anger has subsided. She has been clinically diagnosed with bipolar disorder but I also think she has some type of personality disorder, especially because when she is in one of her moods she is like a completely different person and often doesn’t remember her actions or what led up to them.

    Example: we got into an argument in my car and she got out and stormed off. I locked myself in the car, hysterically crying, and then five minutes later she came back because she realized she had left her cell phone. I didn’t want to open the doors because I was still scared and this incensed her so badly she climbed on top of the car and jumped on the windshield until it broke. Later on she said she had no memory of her thoughts while she was climbing on the car or stomping the window, it was like she came back to her body the instant her foot went through the glass.

    It is made more difficult that my best friend is her cousin (this is how we met) and the fact that we live only six blocks apart. I feel like I will have to totally uproot my entire life to get away from her, and I don’t know how to do that. Plus I still love the kind, sweet girl she was when we first met, and she gives me enough glimpses of that person to keep me hanging on.

    I’m scared that she will never change and I can see us five years down the line with her terrorizing our children the way her father terrorized her and her brothers (I also think he has a personality disorder… he flies into rages so bad that he destroys everything in his path. Example: stomping her little brother’s video games for being in the floor and/or punching my girlfriend in the face as a teen for wearing his pajama pants). Even if I can’t leave her for myself, I know I can’t put my future kids in that type of situation, but I DONT KNOW HOW TO GET OUT.

    Please help.

  13. June 26, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    My wife moved out yesterday.

    As might be expected, she was kind enough to provide many helpful hints on how I could improve myself in the weeks leading up to the move and express her best wishes for my future, i.e., “I hope you die soon”.

    I’d really like to believe that her departure will be the end of the story however, I have no doubt a few grenades will be lobbed my way before all is said and done.

    While it was her decision … which I strongly supported … to leave, she did get into her self-pity mode the last few days and slid into the role of “wronged spouse”.

    I don’t have to tell anyone here who has a BPD/NPD spouse how laughable this was.

  14. Brandon
    May 29, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    I love this site. It has helped me tremendously in understanding my wife’s abusive behavior. I thought that I was the crazy one! HA! God help anyone involved with one of these destructive personality types.

  15. Mill
    May 14, 2010 at 6:27 pm

    This was very helpfull, thanks.

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