Home > Abusive relationships, Borderline Personality Disorder > Lost and Found Conclusion: We Have a Winner!

Lost and Found Conclusion: We Have a Winner!


Shortly after I posted Lost and Found 2 weeks ago, I began to receive emails from 7—yes, 7 and counting—individuals who thought festeredzit/ursyko/wart/pollywannaquack was their ex or friend/family member’s ex.

The . . . eh-hem . . . lucky winner was also the first gentleman to contact me. He was at a business dinner when he received the alert for the post and said his heart sank down into his gut as he read the headline. He had been having second thoughts about whether he tried as hard as he could and states that my blog post was a sign that he had absolutely made the right decision.

Turns out she’s a Long Island native who was living down South and then moved back home after she imploded their relationship and attacked him cruelly during the break-up of their engagement. The gentleman in question asked to have a session with me in which we were able to piece the timeline of events and identity of this woman together. We reviewed her old emails to him and the language patterns and expressions used are pretty identical (although all written communication from Cluster B’s is eerily similar—I swear to god these folks are all sharing the same brain). We are 99.99% certain it’s her. All the dots connect. He has asked to be kept abreast of new SPAM she sends, which I’ve been doing.

So another episode of BPD Theater comes to a close. Be sure to tune in next week. Oh, and, J-, right back quack ‘ya!

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  1. D
    September 6, 2010 at 4:59 pm | #1

    Dr. T’s comment to J- got me thinking, “Oh, and, J-, right back quack ‘ya!” I haven’t seen any of J-’s remarks but I’m going to guess the context of that statement is that J- felt some kind of validation in calling Dr. T a “quack.”

    That by itself is a great big ripe onion to turn around in your hand, consider, examine and peel apart scale by scale. Dr. T’s model seems pretty straightforward to me: there are thousands, probably millions of people, many of the being men, who have found themselves in intimate relationships with women (or other people, women or not) who are in the clutches of personality disorders which are characterized by systematic mistreatment, abuse and violence towards those in intimate relationships, and these people need help, understanding and therapy.

    It is hard to find fault in this model, but I can see that it is such a reversal of the standard-fare sociological victimology that we have all been tea-bag saturated with since birth that it’s probably a bit abstract for a lot of people to get their brain’s around. If there’s anything Hollywood teaches us it’s that the mass market requires uni-dimensional, uni-directional simplicity. Break with either, introduce two sides, and we immediately lose literally millions.

    BUT, at bottom, the reason this is such a puzzling onion is that if we get underneath the whole psychological angle, I do think there is a profoundly simple message that suffuses this website through and through, and one need not be a psychologist, psychiatrist, MD, victim of abuse or even really that well educated in any way sense or form to understand it:

    Abuse is wrong and nobody should put up with it, period.

    I’m pretty sure that ultimately that’s what this whole site comes down to. For J- or anyone to object, like I said, wow. I even understand the disorder – I wouldn’t be here if I haven’t had my own life invaded by it – but with the disorder, without it … really, where does a person come from to take issue with that?

    And it’s important not to let that be a cliche or rhetorical question, there’s cultural dagger in the question, literally: what is wrong with us? What is wrong with so very many of us? Male and female, disordered and “non”: we have swallowed whole this idea that tolerating abuse in certain circumstances – circumstances that happen to be wildly common – is acceptable, normal and even dutiful?

    And a psychologist who happens to come along, point out the obvious, and state in the clearest, most articulate language that the emperor has no clothes and, actually, no, nobody at all should tolerate abuse, period, ever … for this there is a constituency that would call the doctor a quack?

    I puzzle over it and it reminds of rainbow guy, just without the irrational jubilation: “what does it mean!?”

  2. Splum
    August 25, 2010 at 5:45 am | #2

    Don’t let your sweetness be your weakness.
    Love that.
    Love this site.

  3. Mike
    August 24, 2010 at 3:37 am | #3

    NPDs and BPDs (as well as ASPD) are the most dangerous

    1st ASPD
    2nd NPD/BPD
    3rd HPD

    Yet I agree with you. HPDs can cause a lot of problems too and they need more, lol, attention (here).

    • Mike
      August 24, 2010 at 3:41 am | #4

      Watch BLUE SKY with Tommy Lee Jones. It´s movie about an HPD woman.

      • DC
        August 24, 2010 at 9:20 pm | #5

        Just watched Blue Sky on Netflix. Thanks for the tip, Mike! In the end, Jessica Lange (the HPD) saved the day in the end. That’s when I knew it was fiction.

        In real life, (IMO) rather than “happily,” the BPDs tend to live “Hatefully ever after…”

  4. BC
    August 23, 2010 at 11:04 pm | #6

    Dr. T,

    I just had to comment to say how awesome you and your site are. Your site has been a real eye-opener and lifesaver for many people. We need to identify these treacherous woman for what they are and really get into their psyche to be able to begin to understand and move on. I especially admire your use of humor as it makes it somewhat easier to deal with the situation.

    I must ask, though, why is most of the focus on NPD/BPD and as not much on histrionic, especially since according to the literature, women tend to be histrionic while men tend to be narcissistic?

  5. NoSeRider
    August 20, 2010 at 6:41 pm | #7

    Can you do a Dr. Laura Schlessinger and be taken off the air for saying BPD too many times? I think people with BPD feel as though they’re being discriminated against rather then recognizing the fact they’re acting like pathological a’holes. I guess its a question of have a reptilian brain, a upper cortex and self perceptual cognition?

    • D
      September 2, 2010 at 5:54 pm | #8

      That is kind of how the condition works isn’t it?

      You know, like there’s probably a nanosecond that flashes by in their head when they think “oh! I’m BPD, there’s something wrong with me” and that is almost immediately and instantly replaced by a fixed condition of “Well, I’m BPD, so that just means that YOU have to put up with my crap and deal with it and there’s something wrong with YOU if you have a problem with that. You’re violating my rights to be BPD.”

      • DC
        September 2, 2010 at 6:12 pm | #9

        A nanosecond may be giving them a little too much credit for introspective thought. Maybe a Zeptosecond (a sextillionth of a second) would be closer to the truth. One thing they’ll make damned sure of is ‘their rights’ though…and they don’t care who they have to harm or what lies they have to tell in order to to do it, either. What could one expect from a reptilian mind at work?

  6. DEBBY
    August 20, 2010 at 5:40 pm | #10

    To Scat Master
    No I didn’t order my husband to get on the phone. Stated wrong. I told him what happened and said that I would like it if you called her back and put her in her place. He did. I only asked because I knew he would. He was mad and went right to the phone. He was calm, firm and rational. If he had a valid reason not call to her I would have agreed and respected it. However, the F en uncle remark and raging at me because we declined to go to her wedding for valid reasons and not jumping through her hoop were very serious violations to us. I was very sick at the time with a medical problem and at that time was unable to walk very far.

    I would honestly have been very disappointed if he let it go and mad given the above context. Too many people don’t stand up to these predators. It’s a need I take very seriously. I looked for that trait in a life partner before I married him because it was important to me. I can’t see how any normal man or woman who let somebody attack them and/or their mate and not defend their loved one.
    Thanks for pointing that out.

    Debby

  7. August 19, 2010 at 11:57 pm | #11

    Craig: Just wanted to say glad you found a good woman…that is inspiring. Also, about 1 step forward, 3 back…as long as you keep taking that one step, eventually it will be 1 forward, 3 back, then 1 forward 1 back, then 1 forward and 0 back.

    Take care…emotionally scars take time, patience compassion of yourself to heal.

  8. August 19, 2010 at 10:05 pm | #12

    I’m posting here about BPD etc being labled because that post won’t allow me to comment as its password protected.

    Some of those comments have left me really shaken. My ex has recently had a dummy spit and spewed her vile over me about the kids and my apparrant bad character / fathering ability…

    I thought I was in a good place, emotionally, spiritually, physically. But when I read some of those comments by magiplum… and other trolls I had to fight my tendancy of dropping into a fetal position and just break down crying.

    I was told so often by my church pastors, other people and even counsellors to just suck up the constant abuse and forgive… this was BULLSHIT!! The walking on eggshells not knowing what would happen…in which way my identity would be attacked, stripped from me. The few encouragements..love bombings followed by criticism…

    I feared the times my ex would say…lets talk…because what that meant was I want you to sit still, and listen to me rant and rave while I strip shreds off you and agree with all I’m saying and doing.

    I’m sorry for commenting on the wrong post Dr Tara…I felt I really had to make a comment on the crap that was being spewed on your other post…which for some reason wont let me comment or read the entire post on the blog page..though I”m recieving emails with others comments.

    Living with someone with BPD or other bad trait is destructive poison. I struggle at times in my new relationship in dealing with a healthy relationship…such as before I was so denied access to money by my ex…. yet I struggle to recieve money from my new wife for lunch or fuel etc which she just asks me…do you need money for today and will just put some in my wallet. (I’m on a disabilty pension that has been cut back now I”m married)

    Thank you for this site… the comments and blog posts have been a life saving for me, helping me to recognise that I am not the problem…though working through the scars from all the past is an ongoing process… which at times seems like 1 step forward…3 back.

    • Mike
      August 20, 2010 at 8:54 pm | #13

      I don´t get it, if it´s password protected why post it anyaway? Really strange…

  9. BIG HURT
    August 19, 2010 at 6:20 pm | #14

    HAHAHAHA..Nice. Eerily similar comments and potentially sharing the same brain is spot on. But look at it this way..If it weren’t for cluster B type personalities,there would be NO MUSIC. Seems like all the so called “LOVE SONGS” ever written,even the Heavy Metal and Hard Rock bands I listened to growing up,if you really break down the words,are ALL THE SAME..and probably written about the same woman,LOL,thus the point made about sharing the same brain. Millions have been duped into listening to and sentimentalizing over these hilariously stupid songs,while the bands have gone on to capitalize monetarily…Oh how I wish I had a voive like Bret Michaels,I could have been a billionaire sentimentalizing about the story of my past dating life…LOL.

    Thanks for the Blog Dr. T. It really has given me the answers to all the questions of my previous relationships.

  10. scatmaster
    August 19, 2010 at 5:25 pm | #15

    DEBBY:

    I told my husband to get on the phone and tell your niece that he doesn’t talk to his wife that way and that I in no am taking it.

    You ordered your husband to “get on the phone”.
    What would have happened if he didn’t get on the phone and call his bitch of a niece?

  11. minicoopsmom
    August 19, 2010 at 5:17 pm | #16

    He’s lucky he got out of the FOG before he married her and had kids with her! Run, don’t walk, and don’t look back man. You’ve been given a new lease on life, use it. Stay away from the alphabet soup of PDs.

    Shrink4men, do you have some examples of how the texts, emails, etc, seem similar? My stepmom/secondwife friends and I have recognized that many times those with the BPD have a pattern and their abusive tactics seem to come from a special “handbook,” and I was not surprised to see that you too see the pattern. Perhaps as a new blog post or as a top ten writing styles warning “if your girl friend/wife/SO” writes X she may have BPD…food for thought anyway.

  12. DEBBY
    August 19, 2010 at 4:24 pm | #17

    I am glad that festrzit’s fiance didn’t get married.(Geez, do you think she might have a very low self esteem to call herself that.) However, I find it scary and alarming that he had to get validation from a shrink’ website (no devaluing meant to Dr. T in anyway)after she attacked him. He then felt validated that it was the right decision not to marry her. I’m glad he got a need met, but I hope he see the need to integrate or back to the following.
    Common sense, common sense, common sense, put the psychiatric terms aside and let wisdom be your guide. A man or woman’s mantra should be, One punch, cruel verbal remark, am I’m out of there-Don’t let her or his SWEETNESS BE YOUR WEAKNESS. It is largely from a psychopathic(narcissism)structure and not genuine. It is meant to reel you back in. In their mind they believe that if I am sweet I’ll get my treat. If I don’t then your dead meat. I am special so no moral is needed to be my guide.

    I had a niece who is a Cluster B through marriage whom I got out of my life permanently. She pulled a knife on her fiance because he went to a strip club with his friends for a Stag. I live in Canada and a lot of men still go to see The Canadian Ballet as a symbol that the single life is over. I don’t like it or think stripping is okay, but I just don’t think they think about it all that deeply or are men who demean woman. It’s just a ritual for them. Talk about my niece tying up all her insecurities into one act. He married her. I heard she is having an affair on him now and he is clueless. They are married for 5 years. When I asked her what she thought about it she said she feared she would be seen as a weirdo. Style(Image) over substance-narcissism. Not once did she address his fear or how unhinged she is. In her mind, he wouldn’t be a real man because he was realistically afraid for his life. Yeah, right.(Sarcasm intended) I tried to confront it and of course Cognitive Dissonance and Mental Dodge Ball-two of her best friends was used. She didn’t like my approach so she went elsewhere for validation that she was okay. When I declined go to her wedding, she automatically became unhinged and raged and screamed like the she devil she is on the phone. I’ve seen people in psychiatric hospitals react normally to a no answer like the one above. She told me that my husband was her dead mother’s brother and should be there for her. He is my Fuck’in Uncle. I hung up. I thought my husband isn’t defined by the F word in anyway. I told my husband to get on the phone and tell your niece that he doesn’t talk to his wife that way and that I in no am taking it. I hung up out of respect for myself. He said in no uncertain terms do you talk to Aunt Deb that way who is my wife. We haven’t heard from her since. I took that as a golden opportunity to set a boundary set in stone for life. Since she was in a psycho rage,I hung up because trying to reason with a disturbed 5 year old doesn’t work. The level of defense structure(psychopathy)she has would only be fueled. She was on her way to work and I didn’t want to set off a road rage and have somebody killed to try and prove my point. I’m sure she got to work and her angel image mask was put on and she quickly forgot the psycho episode and appeared normal to others. That is the only reason why I didn’t defend my husband just like he defended me. It works both ways in a normal and healthy relationship. It is a key element that is essential in a mature, healthy relationship who are partners. I am not the little woman who can’t defend herself and is helpless. Nor is my husband Milk Toast who can’t defend himself. It’s just a healthy dose of interdependence grounded in reality with two people loving each other and protecting and preserving each others best interests. That’s my idea of the feminist movement. It works both ways and has the best interest of both sexes in mind that creates a healthy balance and realistic picture of what being human is.

    Debby

  13. Chris
    August 19, 2010 at 7:19 am | #18

    It’s funny how that big brain they all share reach all the way to Scandinavia, Europe.
    It’s like the most of your writing is all about my ex – and thats why you are and have been such a big help for me and others.
    Thank you.

  14. Tsurvivor
    August 19, 2010 at 12:31 am | #19

    That poor guy. Run, man!!!

    • DC
      August 19, 2010 at 11:54 am | #20

      That’s exactly what so many friends urged from the beginning. But somewhere along the line, as I went deeper into this inane, miserable, hostile, and hopeless life she created out of ugly fears and victimhood…I forgot a few things – like who I am. Just thankful to be free today. She is now, “God’s business.” Believe He’s the only one who can truly change a person.

  15. August 19, 2010 at 12:10 am | #21

    geez..it’s seriously BPpalooza out there on Long Island. Frightening.

  16. Verbal
    August 18, 2010 at 11:21 pm | #22

    Is Long Island turning into some kind of BPD haven?

    TV programming idea: “The Real BPD Housewives of Long Island”. Tantrums. Accusations. Bombastic speeches. Projectile crockery. Discount hit men. Internet stalking. Text message spamming. Prunes.

    I’m calling my agent.

    • shrink4men
      August 18, 2010 at 11:25 pm | #23

      I thought all The Real Housewives programs and other reality series already casted all PD characters?

      • Verbal
        August 18, 2010 at 11:28 pm | #24

        I guess that explains why my NPDw watches those shows. She feels a deep kinship with women who overturn tables at dinner parties.

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