Home > Abusive relationships, Borderline Personality Disorder > 13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist

13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist

BPD-1My girlfriend / wife doesn’t have a personality disorder. She’s just emotional. Maybe, maybe not. Borderline Personality Disorder isn’t as mainstream in public awareness as other psychiatric diagnoses, but it’s a very real problem that affects many individuals and the people who are in ongoing relationships with them or trying to end relationships with them.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a kissing cousin of BPD. There is usually some overlap between the two. Most people think being a narcissist means that you’re conceited or vain–there’s a lot more to it.

Men are typically accused of being insensitive and out of touch with their feelings. We rarely talk about women who emotionally abuse the men they claim to love. There are different reasons why this is a silent epidemic:

a) Society and psychology hold a reverse sexist attitude regarding the perpetrators and recipients of emotional abuse.

b) Men have been brainwashed into believing that “she’s just expressing her feelings” when she’s being abusive and that “he’s insensitive and doesn’t understand.” Unfortunately, many mental health professionals perpetuate this phenomenon through their own gender biases. Should these men enter into couples treatment, they often get tag teamed by their girlfriend/wife and the therapist into believing they’re the problem. Should this couple actually find a shrink worth his/her salt that tries to hold the Borderline/Narcissist accountable, said shrink is duly fired and vilified by the BPD/NPD.

c) Men are too embarrassed to talk about the hurt, pain and confusion they experience as a result of the way these women mistreat them.

Warning: Being involved with an abusive Borderline or Narcissist May Be Hazardous to Your Mental Health

Here are some common side effects of being in an abusive relationship, whether the abusive individual has a personality disorder or not:

1) Censoring your thoughts and feelings. You edit it yourself because you’re afraid of her reactions. Swallowing the lump in your throat and your hurt and anger is easier than dealing with another fight or hurt feelings. In fact, you may have stuffed your own emotions for so long that you no longer know what you think or feel.

2) Everything is your fault. You’re blamed for everything that goes wrong in the relationship and in general, even if it has no basis in reality.

3) Constant criticism. She criticizes nearly everything you do and nothing is ever good enough. No matter how hard you try, there’s no pleasing her or, if you do, it’s few and far between.

4) Control freak. She engages in manipulative behaviors, even lying, in an effort to control you.

3186177287_1423ed4f22_o5) Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde. One moment she’s kind and loving; the next she’s flipping out on you. She becomes so vicious, you wonder if she’s the same person. The first time it happens, you write it off. Now, it’s a regular pattern of behavior that induces feelings of depression, anxiety, helplessness and/or despair within you.

6) Your feelings don’t count. Your needs and feelings, if you’re brave enough to express them, are ignored, ridiculed, minimized and/or dismissed. You’re told that you’re too demanding, that there’s something wrong with you and that you need to be in therapy. You’re denied the right to your feelings.

7) Questioning your own sanity. You’ve begun to wonder if you’re crazy because she puts down your point of view and/or denies things she says or does. If you actually confide these things to a friend or family member, they don’t believe you because she usually behaves herself around other people.

8) Say what? “But I didn’t say that. I didn’t do that.” Sure you did. Well, you did in her highly distorted version of reality. Her accusations run the gamut from infidelity to cruelty to being un-supportive (even when you’re the one paying all the bills) to repressing her and holding her back. It’s usually baseless, which leaves you feeling defensive and misunderstood.

9) Isolating yourself from friends and family. You distance yourself from your loved ones and colleagues because of her erratic behavior, moodiness and instability. You make excuses for her inexcusable behaviors to others in an effort to convince yourself that it’s normal.

10) Walking on landmines. One misstep and you could set her off. Some people refer to this as “walking on eggshells,” but eggs emit only a dull crunch when you step on them. Setting off a landmine is a far more descriptive simile.

11) What goes up, must come down. She places you on a pedestal only to knock it out from under your feet. You’re the greatest thing since sliced bread one minute and the next minute, you’re the devil incarnate.

12) Un-level playing field. Borderlines and Narcissists make the rules; they break the rules and they change the rules at will. Just when you think you’ve figured out how to give her what she wants, she changes her expectations and demands without warning. This sets you up for failure in no-win situations, leaving you feeling helpless and trapped.

13) You’re a loser, but don’t leave me. “You’re a jerk. You’re a creep. You’re a bastard. I love you. Don’t leave me.” When you finally reach the point where you just can’t take it anymore, the tears, bargaining and threats begin. She insists she really does love you. She can’t live without you. She promises to change. She promises it will get better, but things never change and they never get better.

When that doesn’t work, she blames you and anything and anyone else she can think of, never once taking responsibility for her own behaviors. She may even resort to threats. She threatens that you’ll never see the kids again. Or she threatens to bad mouth you to your friends and family.

Tomorrow, I’ll post a follow-up blog in which I explain why this emotional abuse and what you can do about it.


Dr Tara J Palmatier_Shrink4Men_02Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.

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Related posts:

Photo credits:

BPD-1 byPushkia on flickr.

Spin-the-mood-wheel by MashGet on flickr.

  1. DownButNotOut
    November 13, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    Bill, Free at Last. Thanks for your kind words. They are very much appreciated.

    This is long. I don’t mind if you don’t read this. It’s just something I felt like I had to write. It helps me process and digest, it may help you too.

    The strange thing is that she has been nice to me for the last couple of days. We do go through periods like this. If she wants something, I don’t know what it is.

    Anyway, when we first met, we did talk about something about her personality. She admitted to being very defensive, and that she was going to work on that. Working on it lasted about 20 minutes. But what I thought was telling was that she did admit to it. There was some insight and I’m sure that she’s heard of that from other ex’s.

    I’ve been trying to work out where it originally comes from. Her mother, even though I don’t think she is N, has some issues. She has a short fuse. I describe it as life is full of little catastrophes. She is an obsessive planner, and if things don’t go exactly according to plan, then there is a mini explosion. My partner and I have discussed this, and that’s what she told me it was like when she was growing up. Of course, she sees no connection with the way that she acts. And I guess, being raised in a household like that ultimately taught my partner that that behavior was OK. Her mother is very critical, but, as far as I can tell, that’s as far as it went. It looks like being overly critical is a possible trigger for NPD. I’ve witnessed her mother’s parenting style with my own child. It seems OK for her to leave a child alone and go do something else. If the baby is crying, I’ve witnessed her just ignore him and do a crossword. I didn’t call her on it, but my partner did. “Mom, why did you let him cry like that?”. “Was he crying? Babies cry, that’s what they do… It never did you any harm.”

    If I knew then what I know now, I don’t think I would have been able to hold my tongue.

    This is going to sound weird, but apart from denigrating me in front of my son, and her outbursts of anger, she is a good mother. I can’t fault her (again, apart from the mental illness part). When she has her outbursts, I think of Luke Skywalker talking to Princess Leia about Darth Vader – “there is good in him, I can feel it.” There is just so much conflict in there. I’ve actually said to her, “I think you are a good person, but you’re not a nice person.”. I still think she’s good, just not as good as I first thought.

    The realization of her being NPD+ is still sinking in for me. I’m terribly conflicted too. Yes, this forum has been a source of inspiration, realization and hope for me. But it’s also been a cause for apprehension too. Before I started to read here, I was going to wait until the debts are paid and then leave and work out a solution with our child. But, knowing what I know now, it isn’t going to be that easy. Which is actually a good thing right, meaning that I discovered this before separating?

    I’m also angered by the things I have discovered while researching NPD. Things that I didn’t know existed, like “Gas lighting”. Holy shit. Gas lighting – it’s a term. It has happened to me. “Projecting.” – it’s her go-to tool. Finally, the term that made me almost vomit was “narcissistic supply”. My “goodness”, my “character”, my f**king soul was/is being sucked dry by this woman.

    But at least I now know. Before I knew about it I was fighting something I didn’t understand, trying to get the the root cause to see if I could fix it. Maybe it was a superficial fix, something that didn’t need to be as deep down as I thought. But, yes, now I know.

    I wonder how many people out there are in our position, they haven’t made the connection and probably never will. They are wondering what they did to deserve this. How many people have, dare I say it, taken their own life because they just didn’t find the answer or at least the peace and solace knowing that it’s not them? I bet it’s more than what we think. I couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life like this. I would take my own life if I had to. We only live once and we deserve to be happy. We don’t deserve to be tortured into a miserable existence because some sick sadist gets off on it. No-one does. And let’s be honest here, this is sadism, at its core.

    I long to be the person I once was. Finally, I know that this discovery will help me get there.

  2. DownButNotOut
    November 12, 2012 at 10:24 pm

    There is something so comforting about reading these stories. It’s been incredibly uplifting over the last 24 hours to read. I am not alone.

    I met her shortly after my mother died. Yes, I was in a vulnerable place and she was a really assertive. At that time stabilizing force in my life. It was just what I needed. We dated a little bit, and noticed that she could be feisty. We had some fight when I was in a cab with her, and the cab driver decided to take a long route to where we were going. She gave the driver hell, and then gave me hell for not giving the cab driver hell too. We carried on dating.

    I knew things weren’t good. I was moving back to my hometown, and she was staying put. I decided to call it a day with her. When I moved back, we kept in contact, and she persuaded me to give her a second chance after a while. So we did the long distance thing.

    And then, pregnancy.

    I don’t want to reveal too much about myself, other than to say that she was about 3.5 years through a 5 year medical program when my beautiful son was born. She moved in with me a few months before he was born. We travelled back to the place of her school when our son was one (to finish her program) with the agreement that we move back (yeah, complicated I know) to my hometown when her schooling was finished. She’s honored that so far. We recently moved back to my hometown.

    The truth is that I don’t love her at all. Her self-grandiose style, her constant demeaning, her obvious low self-esteem, her rage, her violence makes it that I can’t stand her. I’m not in this relationship because I love her or even like her. Although about 3 months ago she was actually liking me. I’m in this relationship because I love my son and cannot stand to be apart from him. He’s the only thing (with the exception of my father) that matters to me. I never had siblings.

    I’ve changed. A lot. When I moved back people were commenting that I was overly sensitive. I didn’t laugh like I used to. Just not myself.

    As far as her traits go, she’s pretty much run of the mill NPD. I think I see a difference with what’s written between male and female Ns, the female Ns tend to be less vain. I don’t think she’s particularly vain, I mean I think she thinks she’s hot, she’s not unattractive, but she’s not a super-model – but neither am I.

    She is critical, controlling, envious. She likes to put me in my place, “bring me back down to earth”. I can’t have a conversation with her. I can’t converse! I can’t talk about anything without it either ending in some ridiculous put down, or saying that she already knew that. The conversation will evolve around her eventually. My God, I’ve even made shit up. I made up some stupid little factoid, and she told me she already knew about it. How f**ked up is that? She can’t stand it if I enjoy doing something. And then I’m overcome with guilt because apparently our son had some really bad time because I was away once.

    And then there is the rage. She’ll have a meltdown 2-3 times a week. The triggers are astounding. From reminding her that the heating is on the living room, to not saying “bless you” when sneezing, to not replying to a question within 3-4 seconds of it being asked. And she’ll bring up that I talked about an abortion. Yes, when she was pregnant, knowing that I’d have to spend my life with this person that I knew then didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with, I talked with her about terminating the pregnancy. I didn’t say that it was because of us, I just told her that the time wasn’t right. And this conversation comes back. Not every time there is rage or anger, but a lot. And it comes up in front of our two year old son. But that’s why she’s angry, because three years ago we talked about an abortion. I pick him up, tell him we both love him, and tell him that this isn’t his fault.

    “Mama is angry at dadda.”

    I feel sick to my stomach every time. And she knows it.
    But, the weirdest thing? She believes that this is a healthy relationship.

    So what’s my plan? Like I said, I have no interest in this person. I don’t love her, I don’t want to be with her. But I want to be with my son. The stories I’ve read on here frighten me. We owe money. Not a lot, but she’s about to start with a highish paying job. She’ll make more money that I ever will. We have a plan to tackle this debt, it’s debt that we both owe. It might be optimistic of me to think that we can get that paid off, and then start some kind of drive towards separation afterwards. I just need to do the best thing for my son. And I don’t know what that is yet.

    Of course I don’t want to reveal my hand. That looks like a really bad idea. If she caught wind of that, then the debt will never get paid in order to hold over me, and it will be my responsibility. She has debt of her own, considerable debt, years and years of student loans.

    However, I’ve never witnessed her being reckless with money. She’s willing to spend it if it is someone else’s of course. But I’ve taken care of the finances and the administration of those finances over the last 3 years. Yes, I have hid money from her, so maybe if she knew it was there, she would be reckless. I actually don’t know.

    I know that she has other debt, it’s in her name, and I know that she owes the IRS some money. I’ve seen notices from the IRS but I believe that they were genuine mistakes made on her tax returns. That amounts to less than $500 so I know she’s been paying her taxes. I’ve also seen collection letters from at least one credit card company, maybe two, for a couple of thousand. Like I said, I don’t believe she was reckless, I think that she has issues with administering the loans, such as keeping a monthly cadence of paying the checks that need to be paid etc. She does lie about that, because I’ve told her that if I knew about them I would pay the minimums per month until we were both working.

    I’m just thankful that we never married – the pressure from her family was huge.

    If you got this far, thanks for listening.

    • Bill
      November 12, 2012 at 10:47 pm

      Dear Downbutnot… what a lovely letter,!!! THANKS !!
      I wish I had the “talent’ to write such a
      clear and understanding letter, because it expresses my feelings and frustrations
      EXACTLY, I am not so good at writing letters but I really do enjoy reading all the
      letters on this site, this site SAVED !! me, I am the last person to look for
      sympathy and help but this site with all its information has really helped me
      to “see the light” regarding my relationish during the last 43 years… YES 43 YEARS !!
      I have been walking on razorblades and eggshells for 43 years !! I am still not free
      of the nightmare, but I now know that I am not stupid, or crazy ,a crook, a homosexual, a lying pig, lazy, egoistic, ect ect ect,,,
      thanks for the nice letter once again,

    • Free at Last
      November 13, 2012 at 2:15 am

      DownButNotOut, I hear you. I was recently in a similar situation, but thankfully without the child. Don’t reveal your hand, because she’ll take advantage of that if you do. I suggest that you wait until she’s making really good money and has an IRS tax return that proves it, and then plan your escape. If her income is better than yours, it’s likely that the family court won’t award alimony and little, if any, child support. You can then focus your efforts on obtaining as much custody of your son as you can. I wish you the best of luck.

  3. DownButNotOut
    November 12, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    Let me start out by saying that this is the best result of a google search I’ve ever seen.
    I made the connection that my partner may have NPD about 48 hours ago. You know that scene in The Six Sense, where Bruce Willis’ character realizes what’s been going on? That was me on Saturday afternoon, sitting on the edge of my bed, with iPhone in hand.

    I don’t know what made me search for “narcissist”. Some of my closest friends and have thrown that word around about her, but it just felt like another adjective like “self-centered” or “egotistical”. But Saturday I delved into it and a world of enlightenment. Yes, reading people’s stories here is like a window into my life. I’m not going to tell my story just yet, but I will in time, I just have to process the last couple of days. There is nothing special or different about my story, other than like all the stories here, IT IS special and different.

    Right now, I’m still in the place of realization, I’m in that place of recognizing that I am not alone, and I am NOT the one at fault. There is nothing wrong with my memory, I’m not the one that needs help (although I do, but not because of me), and I am SANE. This is somewhere that I can get help, and support and advice. I don’t know whether to be happy, or more saddened. But, instead of pitying me, I now pity her – this is her life, her M.O., this is how she functions – she feeds off me, she feeds off my emotion, like a parasite.

    And I know I’ve changed, but now I know I can change back.

    Thank you everyone for your stories and insight,

    I just need to get my thoughts together.

    I’ll be back soon.

  4. Brenden
    November 5, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    chance101 :
    NPD in the work place, My X ended our relationship 1 year ago… I was fine with it, had restored my mental stability, then just recently started bumping into her more frequently at work. She has relocated, into the building I work in. I greet her with a hello when we come face to face, just for GP & kindness, she replies with a “hi”. I have not been able to replace her, so far, but still optimistic one day I will meet someone special. This has again become a real burden mentally, I want so bad to approach her and see if she has any regrets, I just want to have a sit down talk and share with her the NPD traits she displays, thinking common sense would kick in, but I know the odds are against me. I never thought this would still affect me this way. I now know NPD can really affect your mental state a lot longer than imagine. I still believe if this had been a normal relationship, we would be engaged by now. But, for now I will keep my distance…

    Just stay away bro. Remember, it ended for a reason

  5. Brenden
    November 5, 2012 at 5:02 pm

    I had to walk on eggshells with her. She took everything I said the wrong way and twisted it to make me look like a bad guy. When I tried to talk to her about our issues and fix things she wouldn’t say anything. She didn’t have any friends so she was always attached to me and wouldn’t give me my space. Very frustrating relationship. So happy to be done with her.

    Now she has a new boyfriend, lol. She is his problem now.

  6. RJ
    October 25, 2012 at 5:54 pm

    Scott :JR I have experieinced much of the same thing. Yes I drink to numb the pain. But because of this fact my wife is convinced that all the problems stem from my drinking. Hence in order to “save the marriage” I started to attend AA meetings which of course did not work. But in AA you are told that everything is your fault anyway – or better said that you are “diseased” – so that has just fed the cycle of my confusion. So my wife joins Al-Anon and that only further convices her that I am “diseased”. This has all led to her continual denial of any responsibility. I am so damn frustrated over this. We have two kids that she just cannot handle so leaving them is not in the cards.

  7. October 17, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    This article explains my marriage/wife to the T. I love my wife with everything I have, and it always seems like I’m never good enough. She creates an unrealistic picture of how our marriage is to her friends, making me out to be the perfect husband, man, and father. Then when it’s just her and me behind closed doors, I’m the worst husband; lazy, inconsiderate, and selfish. In one breath she applauds me for going to school for my bachelor’s degree, and then the next breath; I don’t help enough around the house, she does everything and I do nothing, and demands I get a job and quit school. How in the world does someone put up with this and have a normal marriage/life?

    • Greg
      October 17, 2012 at 2:24 pm

      Darren, this is exactly the type of behavior we are all dealing with daily. My Wife does the same and we are now seperated. Apparently, to friends and family I’m doing everything right, home alone she is not the same person. In public, she is showing her perfect public self so since I’m with her I must be perfect too. So they tell that side. At home her true self with all her barriers and walls spring up and she is a totally different person. I fell in love with the public false self. I hurt a lot when I’m around het yet I keep going back for more mental abuse. Call if you need to vent. Let me know ill get you my number. Sounds like we are in same boat.

  8. Garry
    October 17, 2012 at 1:45 am

    This was very informative. I’m dealing with an ex girlfriend that is also the mother of my child. It’s come to my attention that she’s a narcissist. What are your views on dealing with these people? Is there a way to help them so that my son doesn’t have to suffer?

  9. jon
    October 12, 2012 at 10:31 pm

    Everything you’ve said, I go through. I know all this shit but you’ve made sense to what I was thinking. She plays me like a fucking puppet. Blames me for everything. Doesn’t want nothing to do with my 11 year old son and makes me feel guilty when I get him every other weekend. I’m at the end of the rope with her. We’ve just broken up and now she just text me saying: maybe we should try one last time but I know what’s gonna happen. The shits gonna start all over again.

    • Sandy
      October 13, 2012 at 4:52 am

      My daughter was diagnosed with BPD and Delusional Disorder after a judge ordered her to be seen by a dr. if she wanted custody of the children. She was married 20 years to a wonderful man who did everything he could to keep the marriage together. He finally could not take it any longer, left a letter (to scary to talk to her) that he had to leave. He made the mistake of not getting his things out first and not changing the lock on his office – which she smashed to pieces with a hammer. This daughter of mine is beautiful, smart, raised 5 great kids including classical piano and every possible educational opportunity she could get for them, headed a large school group successfully and – she is mentally ill. We prayed she would not get the children and thankfully the judge was wise enough to see through her very sad story about how awful her husband was. There were witnesses to a number of rage/destructive behaviors through the years which helped tremendously. No longer are the children subjected to insane behavior Look – let me skip some of this tragic story – do not even consider trying again. You will waste your life and there is an old saying – life is short and then you die. So let me tell you the rest of the story so you can have hope – and happiness in your future. My ex-son in law is still a great friend of mine. He has married a wonderful, sweet woman who treats my grandchildren as her own children. They call her Mom! Though at first this was extremely painful for me (I was still grieving the loss of my daughter who has not spoken to any of our family for over 6 years) I now thank God He has provided a way to move on through life, enjoy my family and embrace his new wife – she is truly wonderful. You also will find someone, but don’t rush, don’t look on the outside but look for character – this takes time before you decide if someone is right. Don’t let being lonely for a while push you into a mistake. By the way, I attend a great NAMI group which has helped me grieve and understand my daughter’s illness. I encourage you to look forward to a bright future!! (away from her…)

      • chance101
        October 15, 2012 at 1:31 pm

        Thanks for all the support, great to have a sound board when those moments hit…..

  10. jp
    October 12, 2012 at 8:37 pm

    chance101 :I just want to have a sit down talk and share with her the NPD traits she displays, thinking common sense would kick in, but I know the odds are against me.

    “…odds are against me” is putting it mildly. There is NO WAY you can break through her NPD self-delusion. Repeat after JP, “There is NO WAY, there is NO WAY, there is NO WAY”

    Do anything you have to do to keep away from her. CHange your office location, avoid routes you know her to take, eat at different times, etc. There’s no shame in self-preservation, physical or emotional. And for goodness sake, don’t try to ‘get through’ to her.


  11. chance101
    October 12, 2012 at 7:58 pm

    NPD in the work place, My X ended our relationship 1 year ago… I was fine with it, had restored my mental stability, then just recently started bumping into her more frequently at work. She has relocated, into the building I work in. I greet her with a hello when we come face to face, just for GP & kindness, she replies with a “hi”. I have not been able to replace her, so far, but still optimistic one day I will meet someone special. This has again become a real burden mentally, I want so bad to approach her and see if she has any regrets, I just want to have a sit down talk and share with her the NPD traits she displays, thinking common sense would kick in, but I know the odds are against me. I never thought this would still affect me this way. I now know NPD can really affect your mental state a lot longer than imagine. I still believe if this had been a normal relationship, we would be engaged by now. But, for now I will keep my distance…

    • Keith
      October 13, 2012 at 7:27 pm

      Be wise Chance..whatever you decide dont be blind in your decisions. It sounds like she is a little too close for comfort and the fact that you are deliberating what to do means you are giving it more thought than you probably ought to. If it was me Id just keep the relationship civil (in-passing) and professional – nothing deeper. If you begin to feel close again this can open old wounds/scars and what you believe is dishing out a simple set of ‘home truths’ WILL turn into something much more sour. Its so easy to get back into a bad situation and trying to convince yourself that youre actually doing something positive at the same time. Remember – It didnt work and you are free, no longer part of that relationship. Let it be what it is – history

  12. Unhappy
    October 3, 2012 at 4:46 am

    I’m out, I’m out. I’m free at last. Sitting in my new apt. Only have to see her again when I sign the paper that releases me from the lease we had together and that will be in an office in front of others so I’m safe.
    If anyone reads the article above and finds their girlfriend is as describe in it, get out! She will not get better. You can not change her.
    If you can, listen to Elton John’s song Someone Saved My Life Tonight in honor of all the men who escaped and should escape in the future.

    • jp
      October 3, 2012 at 9:00 pm

      Congrats. Way to make it happen!


    • Sean
      October 4, 2012 at 12:13 am


      Now be smart, and don’t go back to her. You ended this for a reason. It’s over.

      • Unhappy
        October 4, 2012 at 8:42 pm

        Thanks, guys. No way I’m going back! She could send me documented proof of her cure from Borderline personality Disorder (something she will never do–she accepts no responsibility for our break up) and I’d still be running for the nearest hill. This is the first time I’ve ever left a relationship and not felt a great deal of sadness. There is only relief. Heck, I think I’m more sad about not seeing her cat anymore.

  13. Craig
    September 29, 2012 at 6:08 pm

    Wow. Thank you. Your info has given me hope. Idk what to do now, but you have given me something to remember when she exasperates me.

  14. Missouri Madman
    September 18, 2012 at 3:43 am

    You described my wife to a T. I am at a complete loss right now. We have 4 children 5 and under and I am willing to continue to put up with this for their sake.

  15. privateBPDhell
    September 9, 2012 at 6:01 am

    STBX BPD gave a great splitting performance today with my son. BPD accused one of us of lying “either you or daddy is lying” then took my 8 year old son away to explain how daddy is a liar (yes she made sure I could hear it and I absorbed it without a reaction, but am still processing this BS)

    thanks for this forum

    • Keith
      September 10, 2012 at 12:52 am

      Hi privateBPD, I understand this well. I notice that she sounds similar to my mum in many ways although perhaps worse. Although she was far from a bad person, she had certain ways and ideas that were far from conventional. I blamed my dad for the difficulties in my upbringing only to find out as I became older and smarter that it was my mum that was sick and she had planted seeds of doubt and twisted my views of him by convincing me that she was doing no wrong and that he was just a balloon…over a period of years and daily arguments It was sheer mental Hell ! She wasnt doing this to be horrible, but she actually believes it and its affecting her health and wellbeing to this day. Heaven and earth would still not convince her that anything was her fault – it would be his or mine or even the Prime ministers before hers, logic goes straight out of the window sometimes. As I got older, I knew what to expect but it made for a difficult youth not knowing who to trust and it did leave me with trust issues that on occassion still haunt me. The early years shape how you develop and set-in many of your basic beliefs and responses… its a shame as I could do without the issues…I know and understand them now, however they still arise sometimes as the behaviour runs deep and its just automatic learned behaviour (memorable on so many levels because it all took great emotional toll on me) and Ive had to rewire so many of my views over time. I have to remind myself of the facts sometimes. However, although she was never trying to blame me for anything, as a child you naturally begin to feel guilt and blame yourself for your families problems which is why these things are best kept completely away from the children so they grow up with healthy minds and self esteem. As they become older, more secure and intelligent then they can choose how they socialise and deal with both of you as parents. In honesty, despite my parents faults, help and salvation from other family members and of course finding out the truth (truth being the general concensus of siblings and doting grandparent who I trusted) allowed me to determine my own truth and piece together understanding from the discussions that the other family members had with me to keep me straight and sane. Thank God for them because without them, I would have had no balance, no point of reference from which to understand and my life would have been a complete ruin, of that I have no doubt. I would say, its crucial to let your son know that his mum is not the everyday ‘normal’ mum and if you have people he trusts to help instill the message then get them involved, not to bad mouth her, but to explain how things are and how they should be and then why she maybe responds/acts out in the strange ways that she does. It will help him understand what rational behaviour is and keep him secure without forcing him to choose between you. unfortunately, he will be learning some of lifes harder lessons earlier in life but its worth trusting him to understand. Good Support and the trust kept me straight and it matters the most when you are maliable (younger years). Letting it go and hoping to correct it later or hoping he will forget (which is NEVER going to happen because its equivalent to emotional torment) are Bad ideas – Prevention is better than cure, Im honestly testament to that. Help him learn to understand what is happening and then he will be less emotionally affected by her future irrational behaviour. Hope you manage to get this sorted out before it becomes very detrimental for him.

  16. Wilber
    September 6, 2012 at 2:10 am

    OMGsh I am so glad I discovered this site. Every point describes my ex-wife/relationship accurately. After ten years, I walked out the door and filed for divorce when she had an affair and blamed me for “playing too much softball”. She did not take responsibility for the affair. After we seperated and I filed for divorce, I started dating and she did exactly what it reads above, i.e. begging me back, pleading that she’d found God, that I was married and committing adultery, etc. Like an idiot I went back to her (we have two kids together) because I thought she’d finally changed. Two months later, she has another affair, tells me it’s all my fault because I had left her, and ran off with this new lover. Why I am not jumping off the Golden Gate bridge at this very moment is still a mistery to me.

  17. Jon
    September 5, 2012 at 2:37 am

    You know what feels like _____? She left without even telling me yes or no to me asking her to marry me. She left. Said she was scared. That was it. She said she could not be there for me any more. No closure what so ever. After 3 years. Gone.

  18. Daniel
    September 4, 2012 at 8:45 pm

    I dated a girl that I had met on Craiglist (I know, I know, not a good idea). Anyways, I’m a married man who met this girl on CL “casual encounters, where she hasd responded to my ad, offering an “arrangement”. What started out as an arrangement, turned into an emotional one for both of us, but mostly for me, and less for her. She said things to make me think that she was also feeling the same thing, but later I found out she was talking to other men on CL while dating me.

    To make the long story short, the first few weeks she was the nicest and classiest person I had ever met. She is a student with a goal of getting to medical school.

    SHe started to change and getting abusive, verbally and physically. Anger at the smallest thing said or done. Major mental issues.

    I talked to my psyckatrist, and he says that a majority of the girls you meet for an arrangement on CL, fall into the BPD bucket.

    Is that true?

    • shrink4men
      September 4, 2012 at 8:57 pm

      Oftentimes, yes.

      Healthy women with self-respect don’t seek casual encounters on CL. They just don’t.

  19. Jon
    September 4, 2012 at 2:42 am

    Can someone answer this question for me. My recent exgirlfriend of 3 years just left after I asked her to marry me. She said she was scared. Did not want a third failed marriage. I have no doubts she is a NPD/BPD.

    My question is this. If she is a NPD?BPD why would she just leave after I asked her marry me? And second. Why would she change her phone number and take herself off of facebook?

    I have read nothing of this type of person changing their number and leaving. It is usually the other way around. It almost makes me want to believe that I am the crazy one. It has been over two months with no contact. BUELLER?

    • Mellaril
      September 4, 2012 at 3:37 am

      The Doc says,

      “Some of these women are capable of “flipping a switch” and totally cutting an ex out of their lives….

      If your girlfriend or wife is this variety of NPD and/or BPD, consider yourself fortunate. She won’t be back for round 2 or round 1001. It may seem more cruel, but it’s for the best. It hurts because you’re not able to get closure, but you can’t get closure from these women whether they’re the “cut off” variety or the boomerang variety (i.e., she keeps coming back after every break-up).” (•Will My Emotionally Abusive Girlfriend or Wife Be Different With the New Guy? (September 7, 2009))

      The short answer is you called her bluff. It’s all part of the “abandon them before they abandon you mentality.” Shari Schreiber talks about it in more detail in some of her articles.

      My exgf declinde my proposal and moved across the country but she didn’t want to break the attachment. She told me, “…I was afraid that one day you’d wake up and not want to be with me. If I gave myself to you and you left, I’d be devastated.”

      My problems really didn’t start when she left, the real ones started when she came back.

  20. Jay
    September 3, 2012 at 10:50 am

    Thank you… I thought I was going mad. Even my closest friends would show no sympathy and tell my I had it coming because of the character assassination I’d been subjected to. I trust nobody, because I have no idea how far she’ll go to hurt me. . . Physically to begin with. Then psychological torture. I’d confided my deepest fears to her, then she’d dig them all up and force me to listen to why it was all my fault… We’re going through a good patch at the moment, so all is peaceful. =)

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