Home > Abusive relationships, Borderline Personality Disorder > 13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist

13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist


BPD-1My girlfriend / wife doesn’t have a personality disorder. She’s just emotional. Maybe, maybe not. Borderline Personality Disorder isn’t as mainstream in public awareness as other psychiatric diagnoses, but it’s a very real problem that affects many individuals and the people who are in ongoing relationships with them or trying to end relationships with them.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a kissing cousin of BPD. There is usually some overlap between the two. Most people think being a narcissist means that you’re conceited or vain–there’s a lot more to it.

Men are typically accused of being insensitive and out of touch with their feelings. We rarely talk about women who emotionally abuse the men they claim to love. There are different reasons why this is a silent epidemic:

a) Society and psychology hold a reverse sexist attitude regarding the perpetrators and recipients of emotional abuse.

b) Men have been brainwashed into believing that “she’s just expressing her feelings” when she’s being abusive and that “he’s insensitive and doesn’t understand.” Unfortunately, many mental health professionals perpetuate this phenomenon through their own gender biases. Should these men enter into couples treatment, they often get tag teamed by their girlfriend/wife and the therapist into believing they’re the problem. Should this couple actually find a shrink worth his/her salt that tries to hold the Borderline/Narcissist accountable, said shrink is duly fired and vilified by the BPD/NPD.

c) Men are too embarrassed to talk about the hurt, pain and confusion they experience as a result of the way these women mistreat them.

Warning: Being involved with an abusive Borderline or Narcissist May Be Hazardous to Your Mental Health

Here are some common side effects of being in an abusive relationship, whether the abusive individual has a personality disorder or not:

1) Censoring your thoughts and feelings. You edit it yourself because you’re afraid of her reactions. Swallowing the lump in your throat and your hurt and anger is easier than dealing with another fight or hurt feelings. In fact, you may have stuffed your own emotions for so long that you no longer know what you think or feel.

2) Everything is your fault. You’re blamed for everything that goes wrong in the relationship and in general, even if it has no basis in reality.

3) Constant criticism. She criticizes nearly everything you do and nothing is ever good enough. No matter how hard you try, there’s no pleasing her or, if you do, it’s few and far between.

4) Control freak. She engages in manipulative behaviors, even lying, in an effort to control you.

3186177287_1423ed4f22_o5) Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde. One moment she’s kind and loving; the next she’s flipping out on you. She becomes so vicious, you wonder if she’s the same person. The first time it happens, you write it off. Now, it’s a regular pattern of behavior that induces feelings of depression, anxiety, helplessness and/or despair within you.

6) Your feelings don’t count. Your needs and feelings, if you’re brave enough to express them, are ignored, ridiculed, minimized and/or dismissed. You’re told that you’re too demanding, that there’s something wrong with you and that you need to be in therapy. You’re denied the right to your feelings.

7) Questioning your own sanity. You’ve begun to wonder if you’re crazy because she puts down your point of view and/or denies things she says or does. If you actually confide these things to a friend or family member, they don’t believe you because she usually behaves herself around other people.

8) Say what? “But I didn’t say that. I didn’t do that.” Sure you did. Well, you did in her highly distorted version of reality. Her accusations run the gamut from infidelity to cruelty to being un-supportive (even when you’re the one paying all the bills) to repressing her and holding her back. It’s usually baseless, which leaves you feeling defensive and misunderstood.

9) Isolating yourself from friends and family. You distance yourself from your loved ones and colleagues because of her erratic behavior, moodiness and instability. You make excuses for her inexcusable behaviors to others in an effort to convince yourself that it’s normal.

10) Walking on landmines. One misstep and you could set her off. Some people refer to this as “walking on eggshells,” but eggs emit only a dull crunch when you step on them. Setting off a landmine is a far more descriptive simile.

11) What goes up, must come down. She places you on a pedestal only to knock it out from under your feet. You’re the greatest thing since sliced bread one minute and the next minute, you’re the devil incarnate.

12) Un-level playing field. Borderlines and Narcissists make the rules; they break the rules and they change the rules at will. Just when you think you’ve figured out how to give her what she wants, she changes her expectations and demands without warning. This sets you up for failure in no-win situations, leaving you feeling helpless and trapped.

13) You’re a loser, but don’t leave me. “You’re a jerk. You’re a creep. You’re a bastard. I love you. Don’t leave me.” When you finally reach the point where you just can’t take it anymore, the tears, bargaining and threats begin. She insists she really does love you. She can’t live without you. She promises to change. She promises it will get better, but things never change and they never get better.

When that doesn’t work, she blames you and anything and anyone else she can think of, never once taking responsibility for her own behaviors. She may even resort to threats. She threatens that you’ll never see the kids again. Or she threatens to bad mouth you to your friends and family.

Tomorrow, I’ll post a follow-up blog in which I explain why this emotional abuse and what you can do about it.

by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Private Consultation and Coaching

I provide confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. My practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit Services and Products for professional inquiries.

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Related posts:

Photo credits:

BPD-1 byPushkia on flickr.

Spin-the-mood-wheel by MashGet on flickr.

  1. Larry
    January 12, 2017 at 9:24 am

    I see I’m not the only person to experience this.

    I’ll start by saying I been with this girl for about 7 years, we have no kids together and she has told me a hundred times she never wants kids. I’m 50 and she is 28. She has all the symptoms listed. Often I question my own sanity. Her emotional abuse is so convincing she has me questioning that maybe it’s me with the problems. Everything is my fault. I support her but we do not live together. She tells me often I don’t buy her the gifts I use to buy her and I want to say to her it’s for the simple reason you don’t appreciate anything I do so why spend a lot of money doing it. I got her a used MacBook for Christmas she asked me where was the box I said I bought it used she said “can’t you even afford to buy me a new one that comes in a box” so I gave it to one of my children that I had with another woman before her. She loves to drink and get totally wasted and then the real “her” comes a alive. Although I have never became violent with her she has with me, screaming, verbal abuse, breaking things. She uses sex to get what she wants from me and will often say something like “I gave you sex twice today can’t you take me to the mall and buy me some new clothes”. Everything is about her she will call me and cry and complain for 30 minutes about something that happened and I’ll add my comments to her situation and advice but when I call her to ask her advice or opinion about ANYTHING she responds with “sure” or “ok” and its totally silent or she claims she is busy or she is watching something on TV or she is giving the cat a bath everything that she does is more important than anything I have to say when I need a ear to listen to me. A constant financial drain. She likes to take trips to Chicago like to this special hair salon that I have to pay for she takes the train because after 4 DUI’s she does not have a license then she stays with some friend that I have never met nor allowed to meet but I can talk to him on the phone that she stays with but he’s gay she says and there is nothing going on then after several days or up to a week of living with him and that is all she does while she is there is party and drink and get wasted I can tell when I talk to her on the phone. Then she convinces me to put money in her bank account so she can get home and 5 minutes later often I’m back to being the jerk, loser, POS and I just put money in her account she appreciates it before I do it but after its back to Mr. Hyde. I’m a saver she is a spender. Why can’t I leave her for good she always twists any situation to make me feel as though its my fault and even though if it was something she did she twists it around and now I am apologizing and I don’t even know I’m doing it until hours later when I realize what took place. She should work for the military she is so good at manipulation and mind control, this is not funny this is real and it’s destroying my life I need help. I have horrible panic attacks now because of her my heart races it I see I received a text from her because I never know what stage the hurricane is in. If I’m at work and busy and she needs something she will bug me and bother me until I give in and do it regardless of what I’m doing she just does not seem to care its her first and I’m not even second I think I am some where near the end of the line her cat, friends, and parents are in the middle some where. One minute its I love you then 10 minutes later your a POS then 5 minutes after that I am a jerk because she told me to pay her cell phone bill yesterday and I have still not done it. Not egg shells it is land mines. I been to 2 places to get help and all they wanted to do was stall and drag it out and this is real stuff here. I keep going back and I don’t know why I keep doing it. She knows the password on my phone hers is a secret. When she texts me about something I need to respond right away or she starts calling me but when I need something its no big deal or I am being overly dramatic I been told. Its so one sided it is no two way street here. Why can’t I let go of her and honestly the sex is not really that good its like doing it with a blow up doll I am not allowed to kiss her, touch her neck and she makes no sounds of any kind I don’t get why I am like this and why can’t end this horrible nightmare.

    • Greg Pott
      January 13, 2017 at 4:47 am

      We’ve all been there. Your case is simpler than most, no kids, no cohabitation and you don’t need her for anything. You need to just cease all contact, change all your passwords and locks and block her number. Then document (record if you can) everything that comes. I know how hard it is to do it but you need to just do it and stick with it.

      Now, get prepared, take a deep breath, set a time and tell her it’s over.

  2. Alan
    January 4, 2017 at 12:24 pm

    I recently married the person described in the article, she meets about 12/13 of these if not all of them, if I was an examiner I would just fail the last point too, as it probably also counts just that I haven’t seen it yet.

  3. Bobble
    December 29, 2016 at 6:52 pm

    Hi,
    3 months ago, I ended my relationship. It lasted for about 6 months.
    I met her at work. In the beginning of the relationship/ dating phase everything progressed finely. I wanted to go everywhere with her, show her everything, since I knew she didn’t see so much from the city we lived in. She moved to the city just before we met. We went to the cinema, into restaurants. Explored the city together. It was great.

    During the dating phase I did make her jealous from time to time, just to see how much she liked me. I could see she wasn’t comfortable with it, so of course I apologized and stopped with that. Even now I still think I should not have done that. I apologized and then everything seemed fine.

    From time to time, she used to talk about her ex-boyfriend. In the beginning it did not bother me at all, but I did feel that she was not over him (even though she broke up with him 2 years ago). I ignored it. In fact, she was mostly the one who broke up with her boyfriends (that is what she said), sometime after 2 or 3 years. These men were mostly unemployed, she tried helping them getting jobs. She also told me that the last one was still trying to get her back. She even got pregnant by one of her boyfriends. She got an abortion, telling me the guy wanted the child, but she did not. Something I also noticed was, that she actually never said anything good about her exes. I think she wanted to show by that how great I was compared to them, but for me mostly the past is something I do not discuss with my partner that much.

    I knew early on she had some major self-esteem issues (mainly because of her looks, she was overweight in her youth, she was also a premature child). Her family situation was not that great either (parents divorced, used to fight a lot during their marriage. They were working a lot so she was during her childhood in day care. She was an only child. Her childhood was plagued with allergies and so on). To enhance her looks she got her breasts made. Her appearance was of great significance to her. The bond with her mother was really strong (who also cared about her looks a lot). She was on good terms with her father.
    Since everything was going great, I decided to seal the deal, since I had the impression things were going into the right direction. In fact, somehow it did come across that things were going a bit too good. I wanted to get together with her, even though already in the beginning some red flags where visible. She even “warned” me if I was sure about it, because than there would be no turning back (not long into the relationship she admitted that I quiet quickly got to know her real side) After we got together I started to feel that things were changing. At first I thought it was because of her period or the time before that or the pill or whatever but then I started to think that it was just the way she was. Here some points:

    – Even though she did not like her job that much, she was always extremely hard working. She also knew that academically and jobwise she was really good. She never let anyone down. The way she was at work was fundamentally different from the way she was privately with me. It was like day and night. On the job she was funny, energetic and charismatic. Privately you could see her cracks shining.
    – I knew she smoked pot. After we broke up I got to know that she smoked pot (nearly) daily. I accepted it while we were together. She is a grown woman so it was her own decision.
    – She started to show her insecurities. Her jealousy was extreme. She even had a problem, me looking at women celebrities on TV. Accidently looking at a woman on the street I got to hear sentences like “don’t twist your neck looking at that woman” even if I wasn’t looking at her. Sometimes she got even upset just by mentioning a woman’s name. She even checked out the street for potential threads.
    – Sometimes she degraded me in front of people, saying stuff like “oh there, breasts and long legs. There you gotta have a look huh.” Or “oh, you run around talking to everyone, what about me. It doesn’t even seem that you care about me.” It was especially important that I introduced her to the women I knew and that everyone knew we were together.
    – While in the relationship she told me she did not like it to go out that much, she was more of a domestic person. In fact, I had the impression she actually never wanted to go out with me even though the weather was great. She even told me that she was scared of me falling in love with other women, since all the women were running around half naked. Later on the degrading part made it even for me more and more uncomfortable to go out with her, especially meeting other people.
    – She was sometimes extremely impulsive. One moment she was happy and at the same day she started to cry how bad everything was. I knew she missed home and her friends, but it just seemed everything was bad: Her flatmate, her flat, her job, her friends (who she praised as cool people in the beginning). She told me that I was the greatest thing that happened to her since she moved, but later on she told me that she did not feel pretty since she got together with me. Sometimes she cried just because of small things. Sometimes she had quarrels with her friends and her flatmate. It just seemed that there was always something not right. Sometimes she cried of minor issues. Once she was shaking and crying because her flatmate did not want to pay one dollar for the bread she bought which the flatmate also ate. At any kind of injustice towards her she seemed to get jealous if things worked out fine in the lives of others. I even had the impression from time to time that if I felt bad because of her it made her feel “better” or more appreciated.
    – She told me pretty often how men looked at her. That they approached her, that they were interested in her and wanted her. In the beginning I did not have any problems with it, I mean I found it nice that she was desired by men, but after a while it started to get on my nerves. I even felt that it wore my self-esteem down.
    – In many cases she guilt tripped me. Suddenly she gave me a bad feeling about meeting with friends. If I did not make it on time / could not make it, even though I told her before head she got pissed of. It was fine if she went with her friends partying. I never gave her a bad feeling doing what she wanted. I even encouraged her.
    – once we went to a celebration: she told me if I wanted to go partying after the celebration with my friends I could and if she would go she would. I was fine with it. A friend of mine suggested we should go somewhere after the celebration. Later on my girlfriend saw my friend talking to a girl. I did not engage. My girlfriend told me: Hey, I do not want you to leave. I replied by telling her I already rvsped. She got pissed because I did not ask her if she wanted to come a long. Suddenly we had a discussion at the party and I had to find a compromise so the night was not ruined. A few weeks later I was at another celebration and there my friend again suggested an idea to go somewhere but this time I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to come a long. She told me that she would go home but it would be fine if I go. The next day she called me being pissed that I went to the party and I left her behind in the night. She did not have enough money for the taxi so she had to walk and I was not there. I apologized even though she admitted in the end it was not my fault.
    – She told me that some of her ex boyfriends cheated on her. In many cases she had a negative attitude towards men.
    – Most of the people in her environment seemed pretty screwed up: Friends where parents had drug problems, dysfunctional families, divorce, depression, mental illness in the families, and so on.
    – She started criticizing more and more things. From small things in day to day life but also to my thoughts. Not having the same opinion as she does. I even tried to censor what I told her, because I never knew exactly what set her off. I also knew that privately she took herself somehow very seriously.
    – Sex was insatiable. She was extremely seductive in bed.
    – In the beginning she told me that I was so good looking and great but after a while in the relationship I just had the impression that she started to treat me not as good as I hoped someone would do who is in love/relationship with me (treated me sometimes as a servant, sometimes needed her permission do something)
    – She deleted me on Facebook after I liked a funny video, where a TV personality was dancing a bit provocatively, telling me that me liking videos like that would destroy her self-esteem and by liking something like that it would show that I was not ready for a serious relationship
    – I had the impression she was fighting against me than trying to find solutions or compromises to make the relationship better.
    – She always said that she did not like it to be the centre of attention, but then she wore short skirts and so.
    – She sometimes asked me why I would be together with her. There was always some kind of insecurity in the relationship if it was going into the right direction. Small jabs like: I know you will break my heart, I know you will look for a girl/marry a girl who is from your origin. On the other hand she wanted me to meet her parents and friends pretty quickly (in the beginning even too soon to meet her friends, I declined). She also told me that she did not understand why i fell in love with her and that she should be better a friend and if i am sure i wanted to date her. Also that if I thought being together with her just because of sex if that would be worthy of my time, since she thought she was really boring.
    – She told me she was scared I would leave her.
    – She had money problems. I tried helping, she refused. It was obvious she was not able to handle money. She even bought clothes even though she did not have that much money.
    – she sometimes checked up on me if I was online on whatsapp. She even told me that by “coincidence” she checked the phone of her ex, where she found he was writing some other girl.
    – She told me that women at work did not like her, but when she and I got together suddenly everyone was great to her.
    – it seemed that her environment had a huge impact on her decisions.
    -sometimes she even criticised my emotional reactions, from the way I held her to my facial expressions
    -she told me she needed a lot of feelings, emotions and attention and that it is like a black hole, difficult to fill. When we were walking outside, for me holding hands was normal. And kissing a bit too but not a clingy way of doing so. Also I am not someone who says constantly how great someone is. From time to time yes but not constantly.
    – she never really acknowledged my achievments. Sometimes even wearing them down because after her that would come across as arrogant to tap myself on the shoulder, but she always talked highly about herself in regard to work.
    – after her getting angry towards me she gave me puppy eyes for me to forgive her. I did recognize that pattern more than once.
    – she told me I had to put her above my friends.
    – it was difficult to meet new people for her
    – had the impression she had high expectations and demands I had to meet
    – she did not want anyone changing her. She wanted to be accepted for the person she was.
    – I had the impression she did not know who she was. She did not come across as someone with a real character. The topics she dealt with were mostly superficial, not very deep. She had strong opinions toward men and clothes and other people but that was about it.
    – things seemed to be my fault sometimes even though they were not. She admitted to that and apologized. Sometimes she even did that to make me angry.

    How I felt:
    – I had the feeling I was loosing myself/personality
    – that I was responsible for her feelings.
    – could not give her what she wanted and needed
    – guilty
    – that I could never find someone better than her
    – not accepted
    – like being not a good man
    – like a considered man trying to make her small presents when I could, also to see her smile
    – I felt scared to speak my mind because of her reactions and her fear of me criticizing her
    – did not know if she liked me for who I was or if she tried to mold me the way she wanted me to be. She told me she was very much in love with me but it just seemed she wanted to project her expectations and phantasies on me
    – I left her behind, even though I tried to help her as much as possible. She even told me that I left her behind.
    – I did not set firm boundaries
    – if I changed this or that things would have worked out much better.
    – emasculated and manipulated
    – sometimes I could not understand her behaviour. The first time I had the feeling early on that I did not understand a woman.
    – regret because not everything was bad. I was in love with her and I found her extremely attractive. We also had great memories.
    – I wanted to move forward with her and work together with her, but there was always something that threw us back.
    – emotionally drained
    – I should have taken more time and work more on it and also taken more time while I was in the relationship. It was difficult for me to find more time since I had to do stuff for university and I was working. Also my friends wanted a piece of me too. What could I have done. I told her I can’t see her that often. I tried as much as possible. She even told me once that I would not even have time for her if I would start working on a regular.

    She accepted the break up rather “quickly” without any hesitation. She understood why I did it and did not ask any questions. I even had the impression she did not want to know either. But I still felt bad and talked to my friends and family. They all agreed that I did the right choice, since it would have gotten worse in the progress and that her patterns seem to be firm. They all tell me she was crazy and if I would have gone much longer it would have destroyed me even more. They all told me that from the first things I told them (no one of my close relatives knew her or saw her) that something was off with her and that I did not see the signs since I was wearing pink glasses. She even agreed on it later on too that I did the right thing. Even though I initiated the break up to protect myself I still want her back somehow. I felt bad for a long time talking and talking and talking and trying to understand if I did the right choice and what actually happened. If she was damaged or I did something wrong. I did tell her months after the break up that I missed her and somehow I still feel “love” for her and I would like to work it out. She declined. I know it was wrong to say that but during that talk I was extremely emotional and let it a bit out. Right now we do not have any contact. But she does say that she feels bad that I feel bad and that she caused all that. (we were in contact on and off. Once I even said that she did not had to contact me she still did. It was mostly small talk)

    After the break up I suggested to her to go to therapy. She told me she did it once but for something else. It did not help her since the therapist just asked questions and she had to come up with the answer herself. I did give her some small tips that she should look into her family history and what was going on there, because it seemed to me that all of that had an effect on other relationships too. She does not want to go to therapy, she even accused me of me thinking she was crazy or a witch. She also told me that with most of the boyfriends she had before it became increasingly difficult to handle her. She drove them away I guess. (i think that is why most of the men actually cheated on her. Still do not want to condone that behaviour but it might have been a reason)

    The relationship was not even a bit on the same level. This whole experience took a toll on me, emotionally, mentally and even physically even to the point where I thought about getting professional help.

    I read a lot on this website and even though I think there was something not quiet right with her, I would like to know what you all think about it. And sorry for the long text, I had to get it out .

    • Sherry Rosenwein
      December 30, 2016 at 2:32 am

      My friend, you are among the few lucky people on this Earth who was able to get away from this type of person without permanent everlasting effects. Give it time and I promise you will heal. I cannot stress enough how important it is that you cease all contact with this person, and do it now while you are the least important to her as you ever were. This is the type of person that will completely ruin all chances of you being capable of maintaining any type of healthy relationships with others for the rest of your life. This is also the type of person that will cause you to have a criminal record through no fault of your own which will drain you of most, if not all, of your finances. Walk away from this and never think about turning back.

  4. Joe
    December 12, 2016 at 11:50 pm

    My wife had me put in a drug rehab for 3 months in Massachusetts… It’s called section 35. The police shackled and cuffed me infront of my neighbors and took me to court . I was sentenced to 3 months. They detoxed me off my blood pressure, ADHD and panic attack meds. On about the 8th day one of the clinicians which also happened to be a probation officer from the town i was sent to, figured out that i was sent there under false pretenses. They sent me home . As a result my Daughter will nevr allow her mom to be there when she weds or see her grand children. ….PS: you hit the nail on the head. Thank You. J

  5. longtimetrying
    November 15, 2016 at 3:59 pm

    I married a foreign girl after very short time. She seemed like a dream come true. 25 year old, pretty, virgin, religious with high values, kind to people on streets, appreciated family values, said cannot understand divorce, would make me feel her love and warmth always, would live even on an deserted island for a year with me to be just together, that love is all that is needed. But we could not spend time much together without marriage.

    Well, after official marriage all changed. Didn’t want to meet much. was not interested to listen to me, only her monologues for 30 minutes and then leaving. I had waited so much we could talk about all and become emotionally close, but she refused to have talks, “I don’t want to hear about your life, for what I should listen to you, leave me alone”.

    in wedding ceremony she barely looked at me. On honeymoon walked often away from me, silent treatment, as she was not satisfied to what I had arranged. Started to speak about starting a life pretending that we are not married, she can sleep on couch.

    Her explanation for her behaviour was that I had tricked her into marriage and had not told her all about myself that I had had problems in my past. That because of this she doesn’t have to respect me. While she had just refused to listen to me all the time and still didn’t understand me and just kept her illusions and shutting me out.

    one month into marriage said about divorce after I decided to not let her decide over me a simple thing of choosing a taxi instead of subway.

    promised to never hurt me with threats again. but did it again and again. Blaming me for destroying her life, how she could have gotten a more religious man from a better country without me. behaved in a way that I started to feel worthless. silent treatment, like I don’t exist. I felt so alone. finally my health physically and emotionally was so bad I left and it took months to be able to do anything without thinking of the traumatic emotions.

    got back together after 8 months, she gave things she wants and kept considering if to move to me or not. Bought a car of her liking. she arrived, after I did all she asked for. Gave her expensive jewellery and all seemed nice for somedays. and again started old ways.

    She doesn’t accept me as a person. I have never been in a relationship like this. She doesn’t seem to be interested in my wishes, dreams or well being.

    I don’t know if she has personality disorder or what is this all about. Her background is that she is from a religious family and she has never even had a relationship in her life before. Explains me how many men she has met and didn’t like any, how they all were wealthy and promised her so much but she required marriage before living together and many didn’t accept this. Explained how everyone wants her for her beauty, how smart she is, and how most people have done life not correct way but she has done correct and should have a successful life.

    Takes a lot of photos of herself, spents time in instagram, facebook, getting lots of likes. Almost everywhere she asks to have photos, and to share them. doesn’t want to show photos of me on her facebook, nor relationship status.Expects me to pay everything because I am a man. Explains me often how things are, and what are the rules of marriage. I am not allowed to travel without her, even work trips must be accepted with clear explanations what is happening each day with meetings information for her to accept. Very critical about all, and it is all about money, money, success, real estate, higher standard of life…

    Sometimes when she is emotional she seems to speak more than she maybe wants to share, with big open eyes with a manic looking stare. Once I asked why she has to be always in Instagram etc. and she said she wants to be famous, and will be. she will be rich, and I will see it happen, believe it or not!

    She is often telling how she is worrying that I am so simple person, happy about simple things, that she needs more! that she knows I would give everything I have for her, but that is not enough for her, she wants to have more real estate, higher standard of life, and worries because she sees it is not my priority and that is why she is often in bad mood.

    She does not have friends. She once told me, for what she needs friends when she has parents. speaking everyday with parents. Told me that most people are envious and not honest and that is why she doesnt have friends, and gives a list of examples of what people do.

    but the most difficult feeling is the lack of empathy. I feel like my feelings are worthless. She explains long monologues, and if finally I can speak, she doesn’t seem to listen. I feel she still don’t know me, just her expectations which are often negative. If I feel bad, or would need a cheer up or support, soon it is upside down and I must help her.

    I try to search for her, suggested therapy, and all. she just watches videos of fashion, make up stuff and dreams of some luxury life.

    I have a business and she says she doesn’t appreciate it. It is my passion, and she said if she had known what I do we would not even have to have any problems (probably meaning no marriage). Just explaining how she wanted a man having normal day job with high salary and then she would respect me. Told me not to speak her anything about my work, about my interests.

    Seems that she expects always bad from people. seems that 90% of time I need to defend something, and no matter how good I feel about something, she can make all upside down and explain how bad I am and destroy the mood.

    she just explains that she is not a positive person, and doesn’t need to smile, she needs higher status, money, real estate! If I suggested something fun, I can get answer that adult man should not have fun, must work!

    Once she told me that if she sees someone suffer, she doesn’t feel anything, that she would like to learn to feel something. this was a little frightening..

    Once I asked, when she again had so much critic, what does she give to me, to expect so much more. She was a little silent and said then, that she doesn’t have to because she is not satisfied.

    but with other people she is giving a good image. always needs to prepare so long for herself, and even smiles. And people are telling me how nice and sweet girl she is. But when we are left alone, behaviour can change immediately. And same time she accuses me of being an actor. and when I show her that she is the one, she just tells she was joking. about her promises earlier, living simply even in the nature, all were jokes..that she is not a simple girl but something so special and needs a high standard life. If I just had a better job, better salary, if I would pay car credit completely, if I would buy apartment, if I had better health, if I had better interests, if I acted this and this…long list what is required for her to be nice.. Always it is about future.

    • shrink4men
      November 15, 2016 at 9:15 pm

      Seems like she wants a Visa and money, not a husband.

  6. Glen Capra
    October 6, 2016 at 3:37 pm

    Bless you all for sharing your experiences. I spent 22 years with an NPD woman. In the end I hit rock bottom, had a complete breakdown and even considered ending my life. Three years ‘clean’ now, however, thanks to an extraordinary, supportive, understanding fiancé…and having emigrated!

    G

    • Andy
      October 6, 2016 at 6:11 pm

      Hang in there Glen and all. This site helped me to understand that I was the abused one – and from there is was easy. Well, easier.. OK, very very difficult, but four years after setting my plan in action life is once again good. You have to be strong on offense and defense once you start. Don’t waver. Cut communication. Document everything. If you were married, keep in mind that divorce isn’t always fair – and that the civil courts don’t know how to deal with mental illness and high conflict. And, I’m afraid to say, it will be easy for her to lie. I got custody of my kids early on in the process because I was able to document “crazy”. I spent enough in legal fees to put a kid (or two) through college. It’s painful. I tried arbitration at first but when she screamed “I want it all, I don’t care” it became clear that it wasn’t going to work… I was married for 25 years but I’ve been with a NICE woman now for several years and I have never been so happy.

      What you are going through is like a frog in the pot of water that comes to a boil slowly – it’s not obvious at first but you will now when you have to jump out!

      • Glen Capra
        October 7, 2016 at 5:57 am

        Andy…25 years? Amazing. You deserve a lage medal.

        I am seeing similar behaviour from my nearly-ex-wife who thoughout our divorce proceedings is trying to hold on to everything we ever worked for together (including a three bed house) and give me nothing, because I am the one who ‘chose’ to ‘abandon’ her! In the exchange between our solicitors, if she has no evidence for her ‘side’ of things she just makes stuff up! (What else did I expect?)

        How important are forums like this! To know one is not alone in having experienced such a thing is immesurably helpful. And I have come to realise that NPD is a serious illness because sufferers really don’t think there is anything wrong with them. Like a schizophrenic, that is thier ‘reality’. It makes me sad, not angry (any more).

        For me the worst is that my grown up twin daughters have not spoken to me for more than two years because they live with her and are heavily influenced.

        But you are so right, once you have found the strength to leave you must not ‘look back’. I did once and paid a heavy price. Never again. Now I have an amazing woman who is emotionally mature, supportive, understanding and never employs techniques of control or manipulation. I feel re-born, like I have been given a second chance. Elated.

        Sorry for blurting but I still find that talking still helps purge it from my system…

        All the best.

  7. Safe
    October 3, 2016 at 12:37 pm

    Yep. After she received a sexual harrassment claim against her, it was my fault she lost her job.
    There’s been other crazies hanging round. It all became apparent in a quick succession of events. She had lied for years. Attacked me for asking simple questions, I’m lucky to be alive. I took away a knife and got 3 more days.
    So she was skitzing out banging stuff and abusing my mother for breathing her air, so I kicked her out. Get outa my fkn house. Couldn’t believe I said it.
    I went and sat in the sun knowing what ever happens now things can only get better.
    She packed half her stuff, leaving the useful stuff behind. Yelling and smashing as she goes.
    I caught her stalking the house three days later. I invited her in for a cup of tea. I said hi and was normal and civil. Scared as hell. She said she didn’t want to talk to me , it was my fault for the Iraq war and left. It’s been 4 days now. Then a text we have problems can we talk in six days time?
    The problems were exactly as mentioned here and on other web sites. I feel so sorry for her because I find being normal easy. I never considered a real disorder. But now it’s clear. The only thing I am ever saying to her again is no. Go away. If she comes here I got a bag and paper work in the car and will run for my life.
    Fellas I’m 6 days in to what everyone of you want to do. Upset lonely and worried. But glad to be in a shaky level of control, which she hasNO influence on.
    I did 10 years, over that period I’ve lost everything trying to please her. Quit my job 8 weeks ago because I couldn’t function. Run for your life. You can’t fix it. Only she can but I bet you she doesn’t. Get out now.

  8. John Agar
    September 6, 2016 at 7:12 am

    Hi,
    I’m not sure if this is the forum but here goes- I have bin married for 12 years – all fairly good – to cut a long story short my wife had difficulty getting pregnant but eventually did – so I thought all was sorted- she had given up work a long time ago as she said she was “unwell” – she was on antidepressants but I’m not sure why – we have a good life, no mortgage a fair income and that’s as much as we want.I think her “depression” is wearing me out – she has piled on weight leading her to believe she has fibromyalgia as the weight is on her joints – she believes everthing the doctors tell her – is on multiple medications for pain (including metatrexate a very dangerous drug) – no doctor is telling her to lose weight – as a result she has low confidence,has nothing to say when I get home from work and our life revolves around her , and me tiptoeing around her lack of conversation wondering what to say to get a conversation going.She has convinced her friend that SHE too has fibromyalgia resultingin her quitting her job too! she now has no income apart from social welfare and some childminding (the hardest job going) My wife lost loads of weight to have the baby now she wont do it for herself – I am extremenly Fed Up (honestly) and find myself looking around for some bit of “light relief” as being at home is hard work – I have helped anyway I can but am frustrated at her first port of call being medication rather that her changing her lifestyle to improve her health – I’ve been told that fibromyalgia is often called “crackpots” disease and sometimes I can see why! Am I reading this situation right or am I to blame?
    Regards
    John

    • September 6, 2016 at 3:55 pm

      John, I don’t think this is the right kind of forum for your question though I am sure some individuals may be open to responding if they have experience in that area.

    • January 12, 2017 at 3:24 pm

      Your dealing with a sociopath and from what I have read on many of these posts on here there is no helping these kind of people. Plan a exit strategy and safe yourself. Your dealing with a unhappy person who is brainwashed by what some call the white coat syndrome.

  9. Ian
    August 20, 2016 at 11:53 pm

    I have to ask advice. Me and my partner have been together for 6 years, we have 2 kids with a 3rd on the way, the eldest being 4. I had briefly dated my partner when we were very young and did not realise at the time I would forever be her childhood love as such. Well 15 year later we somehow ended up dating again. I knew something was wrong as she had been self harming during our time apart. But she insisted she was over this dark time full of drugs, partying and sexual encounters. I myself had done quite the opisite and was looking for someone to spend my life with. Even with these facts presented i believed her at the time as the time we spent together seemed amazing. It wasent until we had decided to move in together i noticed a odd tone in a reply to a simple question via text message. She was asking if I was coming with her and her mother to help choose a sofa. My reply was rushed as I was busy at the time so to let her know I was keen and to spark a conversation (was first contact that morning) I simply replied ‘where to?’ Which was responded by I thought u had mutual love and would want to help. Safe to say I shouldnt of ignored these subtle hints as the next year of my life was turned upsidedown and has not been any better since. When I think of what I have gone through with this women it makes me doubt my sanity. I literally have no friends anymore and very little contact with my family. Still brings up things that happened almost two decades ago to spite me and make me feel bad for ever leaving or in their mind being interested in another. I am literally not allowed contact with the opisite sex because it will lead to conflict. I try so hard to please my partner and it is never enough, quite the opisite at times. I am tired of being told that I do nothing and they do everything. I don’t know how this is effecting our children as it is clearly apparent one of our two kids suffers from some anger issues that is certainly not present in the other. I fear for everyone involved if I leave and I just don’t know what to do.

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