Home > Abusive relationships, Borderline Personality Disorder, Marriage, relationships > When Love Hurts: The Emotionally Abused Man

When Love Hurts: The Emotionally Abused Man


Does your relationship with your girlfriend or wife leave you feeling bad about yourself? Do you frequently feel misunderstood, rejected, vilified and devalued in your relationship? Do you feel trapped or stuck? Do you believe it’s possible for men to be emotionally abused by women?

Believe it. It happens all the time. The stereotype of an abusive relationship is that of a man physically beating a woman. Society has yet to acknowledge the vast number of women who emotionally abuse men.

In fact, the men who are being abused oftentimes don’t realize that their wife’s or girlfriend’s behavior is abusive.

2569321033_221a5b6a20-copy-2They use different terms to describe this behavior like nagging, bossy, difficult, strong-willed, tough, harsh, argumentative, “passionate,” or aggressive, which they always follow up with some excuse such as, “She had a really tough childhood. She was abused.” Lots of people have had less than ideal beginnings, but they don’t take it out on others in their adult relationships.

Men have been brainwashed into believing that it’s normal for women to be irrational, moody, emotional, and demanding.

Most men accept these behaviors under the guise that a woman is ‘just expressing her feelings’ and men are uncomfortable with because ‘men aren’t good at expressing their feelings.’ This is ridiculous.  This behavior makes men uncomfortable, just as it would make most women on the receiving end of it uncomfortable because it’s abusive.

Men, you need to wake up and stop blinding yourself to the obvious.

If you walk on eggshells around your partner because you’re afraid she’ll flip out on you for minor transgressions or simply because she’s in a bad mood, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If nothing you do, no matter how hard you try pleases her, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If she regularly puts you down, criticizes or demeans you through name-calling and humiliation, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If she shuts you out, gives you the cold shoulder or refuses to have sex with you in order to control your behavior, you’re experiencing emotional abuse.

There’s no shame in admitting this. In fact, it’s your wife or girlfriend who ought to be ashamed.

Emotional abuse is like a cancer that eats away at your psyche until you’re left feeling powerless, worthless, anxious and/or depressed. Most of the time it happens so gradually that you don’t notice it. You explain away the first few tantrums, emotional outbursts and rage episodes. You take her criticisms to heart because you want to please her.

You’d give anything for her to go back to the way she was during the honeymoon phase of your relationship when she was fun, sweet and loving and therein lies the problem.

2569321033_221a5b6a20-copy-2-copyShe’s not abusive all the time. Sometimes she’s nice. Now and again, she’ll even make a grand loving gesture and you convince yourself that the relationship isn’t that bad. Abusive personality types frequently have a very charismatic and seductive side. If she was all bad all the time, you’d have never become involved with her, right? Their charming side is how they suck people in. Over time, the charm wears thin and their abusive traits dominate.

You can’t fix this. You can’t make her stop. You can’t make your relationship better. You can go to all the therapy sessions in the world and read all the How to Understand Women books on Amazon, but you won’t be able to change her behavior. Why?

First, it’s highly unlikely that your girlfriend or wife will see her behavior as abusive because “everything’s your fault” and, most importantly, her abusive behaviors are how she gets what she wants. It’s a learned and highly effective behavioral technique, which, even if she gains awareness about it, will be terribly difficult (if not impossible) for her to break.

The goal of an abuser is control and the way they control you is through emotional abuse.

Don’t want to admit you’re being controlled or abused? Ok. Ask yourself the following questions:

  • Are you spending more and more time at work because you don’t want to go home?
  • Have you dropped out of touch with friends and family? When you communicate periodically, do you smile and tell them everything’s great as you feel the knot in your stomach tighten and the lump in your throat harden?
  • Do you feel like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop?
  • Have you withdrawn from life while retreating into alternate realities, e.g., books, films or the Internet?
  • Are you experiencing feelings of shame, worthlessness, low self-esteem or emotional numbness?
  • Are you experiencing physical symptoms like chronic stomach pain, nausea, headaches, digestive problems, insomnia or fatigue that your doctor can’t diagnose beyond “may be stress-related?”
  • Are you drinking more or using recreational drugs more than you used to? Are you using them to escape from or numb yourself to the unhappiness of your situation?
  • Do you feel unlovable? Like something’s “wrong” with you or that you’re “bad” or “crazy?” Do you worry that if you left your partner that no one else would want you?
  • Do you experience symptoms of depression, including thoughts of suicide?
  • Do you engage in risky behaviors in which your death would be considered “accidental” like reckless driving, riding your bike alone through rough terrain, going into dangerous neighborhoods,or walking into traffic without looking?

If you answered “yes” to more than one of these questions it’s highly likely that you’re suffering the effects of emotional abuse. Most often women (and men) with these traits either have Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder and/or Narcissistic Personality Disorder characteristics, if not full blown personality disorders. These psychiatric conditions are extremely difficult to treat.

All four can be extremely emotionally abusive types who are incapable of feeling empathy or holding themselves accountable, which does not bode well for you.

You need to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life being treated like this or if you want a chance at real love and happiness. You should probably seek some form of formal support to:

  1. Help resurrect your feelings of self-esteem and worth.
  2. Understand why you were attracted to this woman in the first place so you don’t end up in another abusive relationship again.
  3. Learn some behavioral techniques to deal and cope with these behaviors.
  4. Help you decide if you want to end this relationship and, if so, support you through it.

READ MORE ARTICLES AT WWW.SHRINK4MEN.COM

Dr Tara J Palmatier_Shrink4Men_02Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.

Say Goodbye to CrazyWant to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

If you find the information I provide free of charge helpful and valuable here on Shrink4Men, please consider making a donation via PayPal.

Photo credits: Jekyll and Hyde by That Damned Redhead on flickr.

  1. Valerie Ferrari
    February 12, 2010 at 3:59 am

    I have been dating a guy who was married for 22 years with a Bipolar woman who abused him physically and emotionally. She went as far as acusing their son and a friend of his, of raping her. This guy has wounds that I am not sure can be treated. He has been resisting my suggestion of seeing a shrink. Is there any literature that I could read to be of help to him?

    I know: he has to take responsibility, right? He has ghosts from the past that follow him around and make his life miserable. He performs very well at work and socially. But I have got to see his fragile and wounded side and it is so pathetic. So sad What can I – as the girlfriend – do to help him? IF anything?

    Valerie
    ]

  2. February 2, 2010 at 4:22 am

    I’d like to thank Dr. Tara and say that finding this site has been a life saver. I can’t stop reading. At present I won’t eloborate about what I allowed myself to be sucked into for three years. I was all but convinced it was me. But I always had that basic instint that I was ignoring, that “gut” feeling. I feel like a fool. A gluten for punishment. In the various topics where there might be 10 or 12 things that were obvious sings she nailed at least 90% in all catogories. Just a hint of her other problems were Buliema, lap band, lipo, boob jobs, face lifts, I can go on. The best way to describe her is evil. I believe there is some good in everyone and thought she would eventually lighten up. NEVER HAPPNED. I’ll keep the faith and read more to better understand what a distorted individual she is. I know what effect it has had on me both physically and emotionally. Thanks again and I look foward to this learning experience. ground zero (starting from square one again.

  3. Janet
    January 6, 2010 at 5:53 am

    I just found this site. I recently got out of a new relationship with a very kind man. Found out he is being emotionally abused by his ex-wife who is still very involved with his life and works in his small office. The chaos was absolute hell at least once a week for us, and constant for him with her. He is lost in all of it and thinks this control is love.
    I’m referring this site to him and hope he takes a look. He’s worth it but doesn’t know it. Thank you!

  4. howtosupport?
    January 5, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    Hi Dr.Tara,
    I stumbled apon your website when looking for ways in which to support a man who has been emotionally abused…..I recently met the most amazing man who was abused emotionally in his past relationship. Things began well between but recently he ended things saying that he is too fearful to continue with this and very confused about the whole thing.
    I think he, and what we have, is worth a whole lot and would love to try to offer my support to him. I’m just wondering if you could give me any suggestions that are non-threatening to him and also that let him know that I would love to be there for him to help him heal.
    Many thanks, howtosupport?

    • Janet
      January 6, 2010 at 5:57 am

      Hi Howtosupport,

      I am in the same boat as you (#27). It’s heartbreakingly sad, yes??? Good luck, sounds like we’ll need it, or better said, he’ll need it. Janet

  5. Jay
    January 3, 2010 at 3:11 am

    Your article is virtually a template of my relationship with my ex. I felt such a burden of guilt for being depressed and “messing up my kids life” that I was preparing to kill myself. I only survived because she felt the couples therapist wasn’t seeing it her way and she left suddenly, without warning. We are divorcing (she initiated proceedings) but I’m worried for my son who is trapped with her because she talked him into co-signing a 1 year lease on on her new place.

    The day she left I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I truly wish I’d seen this article earlier and can only say to others who are in this situation: Get out as quickly as possible.

  6. danielle
    January 2, 2010 at 5:00 am

    i hope you do not mind me sending this. I thought the info was good and insightful. Anyway my prayers are with you

  7. wife#2
    December 29, 2009 at 2:56 am

    Ugh. I hadn’t read this one before now. The physical symptoms and such. I don’t know where it originates..from his ex? Or, from him (some kind of learned behavior).

  8. SoFedUP
    December 29, 2009 at 2:30 am

    I found your website as I have been trying to find some kind of information to help deal with my psycho sister-in-law. I truly believe that she is abusing my brother (who has 3 children) but he is either oblivious or in denial. She has been pushing away our entire family for years and has just about everyone out of their lives. Unfortunately, that means that we are also out of their children’s lives. I wish we could get through to him. My mother has told him that she believes that she controls his life, she needs help, etc, but he seems to be so brainwashed into believing what she says (that we are all horrible people, not good enough for them and their children, etc). This also goes for her own family.
    Is there anything we can do? I don’t want his children to think we don’t love them, and I would love to have a relationship with my brother again. I also hate to see what this is doing to my mother.
    Any advice is welcomed!

    • shrink4men
      January 5, 2010 at 7:02 pm

      Hi SoFedUp,

      Sorry for my delayed reply. Unfortunately, as long as your brother allows his wife to control him, the children and their relationship with you and your family, I don’t think there’s much you can do.

      If he really is brainwashed—and I don’t doubt you as I’ve heard this same story time and again—telling him he needs help and pointing out his wife’s bad behavior will probably only make matters worse. He probably tells her everything you and your mother say, which then makes her cut you out of their lives all the more. She wants total control over your brother. If you don’t play along her crazy rules and demands, she’ll hold your brother and their children hostage.

      Until your brother wakes up, if you want to see him and the nieces and nephews you’ll have to tread carefully. Don’t antagonize her and don’t saying anything that’s critical of her to your brother. I know it’s maddening. Rather, I suggest you and your family let your brother know that you love him and the children and that you’ll all be there for him if he needs support or help–no judgments and no questions asked.

      I’m very sorry to read about your situation. The collateral damage these women cause ought to be criminal.

      Kind Regards,
      Dr Tara

  9. steve love
    December 3, 2009 at 10:58 pm

    Thank you for your web page I thought i was loseing my mine and was feeling like i was the lowest thig there was acoeding to my astanged wife! Till i read all the ifo you have privied! It was if you were talking to me and id love to get these pages on a disc ? Please tell if i can and how to?

    Steve

  10. Craig
    December 3, 2009 at 9:06 pm

    Hi, I just read your article. It was very enlightening for me. I have been married for 30 years. While we were dating she was affectionate, fun, loving and I fell in love with her. We were both virgins when we got married, a result of some religious beliefs that I no longer hold to. From the first day after we made love for the very first time, she realized that she hated sex. Any time I tried to be affectionate or intimate she would either insult me or start a fight to avoid sex. The one time that is burned into my memory was after we had been married maybe 5 years and I was laying in bed waiting for her to get ready. I was watching her and I felt so in love and I just wanted to make love to her. I said so and she turned from the closet, looked straight at me and said, “Oh my gosh look how fat you are, I didn’t realize you had gotten so fat look at your belly how it just lays out there like a big blob of blubber.” She then turned back around finished getting her pajamas on and jumped in bed just like nothing had happened. I have been severely depressed for most of the past 30 years, but I was not depressed before I got married. I have been to the point of planning and actually starting to carry out suicide. I have hated life, been miserable and basically hated life for 30 years. Now I realize that she was probably abusing me, but god a man being abused by his wife??? I know this isn’t much information but do you think I was abused, or am I just screwed up like she said I am?

    • Mike91163
      December 4, 2009 at 12:01 am

      Craig:

      I read your post with great interest…but let’s get this out of the way first.

      “…but god, a man being abused by his wife???” YES, my friend, and that’s why the good Doctor Tara created this blog, and why there’s SO many of us men here who participate. Us guys have been BRAINWASHED by the mainstream media and extreme feminists over the past 30-40 years into believing that only women are abused by men, and very rarely, if ever, vice versa. All you read and hear of are resources for battered women–hotlines, counselors, shelters, and so on. Have you ever seen a billboard or poster for battered husbands? Yeah, I didn’t think so either.

      What makes matters worse is that the abuse perpetuated by women upon men is generally emotional and verbal in nature; and while physical damage heals and scars fade away, the emotional wreckage these women cause last FAR longer…and we who have suffered have very few “options”…talk to your friends/family? Yeah right, they’ll consider us “wussy” and “chicken”…and therapists will simply tell you that you’re being “overly sensitive” to her “PMS”. I never knew PMS lasted 30 days a month! That said, getting OUT of the relationship, and getting professional help from a therapist who handles these types of situations will improve one’s life dramatically.

      I can very much relate to your situation re: sex. While my wife and I were not virgins prior to marriage, her experience was extremely limited, and while I was by no means a “stud”, I had enjoyed the company of several women pre-marriage. I did everything possible to make sex a loving and enjoyable experience; however, it was not to be. There is no fun in making love to someone who lays there motionless and silent, other than to say “would you hurry up already?” Yeah, that’s a real mood enhancer! Early on in our marriage, she was petrified of getting pregnant (mind you, when we got married, I was 27, she was 30, so it’s not like we were kids!)…and even though she was on the pill for medical reasons, she INSISTED that I ejaculate outside her…and when I suggested using a condom, she flat out said “You will NOT use one of those things inside me!” As you can well imagine, “performance” issues developed…you know, those alarm bells start going off in your head-DANGER-DANGER-DANGER- and “Mr. Happy” would become “Mr. Sad”, and I’d be unable to finish. Then the comments would start…”What kind of man are you who can’t finish?” and other lovely remarks. Eventually, she was honest enough (one of the few times in our marriage) to tell me that sex was painful for her…but it took her another 10 YEARS to get a doctor to properly diagnose her (polycystic ovarian syndrome). BUT, and this is the kicker…she was NONE too happy about me “relieving myself”…she took it as a personal affront, that I would rather please myself than have admittedly quick and painful sex with her! WTF???

      Craig, in a narcissistic BPD’s world, you are always wrong, they are always right, and you goddamn well better toe the line that they establish, no exceptions…it’s their way or the highway. And I can tell you that after 20 years, there indeed is not much left of me, just an emotionless shell. HOWEVER, after reading Dr. Tara’s advice, and the stories of many others here, I have come to realize the following:

      1–I am NOT alone!
      2–Many here HAVE gotten through this.
      3–Ending the relationship will be painful, but I can get through this.
      4–The fog and dark clouds that are surrounding me will lift, and life WILL get better after I get divorced.

      I too, at times, contemplated ending my life…but then I got angry; I thought, what will doing so accomplish? NOTHING! Let’s face an honest fact here-when you cut through all the bull, what you’re trying to do it get revenge and hurt the other person, right? But think about it-if they really don’t give a damn about you now, what makes you think they’re gonna care if you’re not around? Whether you choose to believe this or not, you DO have people who genuinely care about you-friends, family, neighbors, co-workers, etc. You will wind up hurting THEM, not your intended “goal”. The best “revenge” you can hope for is to watch your ex’s life fall apart…and hell, even if she finds some other person to “feed” off of, so what? If it ain’t you, it’s all good for you! Read “K”‘s post here to see what I mean:

      https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/10/14/how-to-find-a-good-therapist-if-you-are-involved-with-an-emotionally-abusive-woman/comment-page-2/#comment-3941

      Best of luck to you, Craig…and welcome!

      • Craig
        December 5, 2009 at 3:44 am

        Hi Mike,
        Thanks for your words of encouragement. I found this site by accident and it has been an enormous help to me already. I will tell you what led me here. After 30 years of hell I have decided I have had enough so I been living for myself instead of wasting away in misery. About 3 months ago I started talking to this person online, she was just a faceless person who I was able to actually talk to. Well we finally met and she has shown me that there really are women in this world who love and miracle of miracles, she actually WANTS my love in return. God I had no idea love could be this way. I will be moving into my own place in January, money is my biggest problem or I would be out already.

        The reason I am mentioning this is because for the first time in 30 years I feel alive again, and like a man. She makes me feel like I did when I was 21, confident and loved and like I am not a loser. Now I know that Dr. Tara will probably say that I shouldn’t jump right into another relationship, and I understand that. But my marriage has been over for 25 years and I say that I stayed for my kids but the honest truth is that I stayed because I was afraid to leave. But I have not felt any love or anything for my wife for so long that I feel like she is nothing more than a room mate at this point. OH and by the way, I have never cheated on her in 30 years.

        So here I am 52 and I feel like I am starting life all over again as if I were 21 again. I am looking forward to being free of this bullshit abuse and living life the way it should be lived.

        But here is the kicker. I am still afraid to leave. I feel like I am stuck here and like I am being drawn in like some super current in the ocean and every time I try to get out of the current it pulls me back in. My wife is being oh so sweet right now because I told her it is over. She is being so out of character that it is almost making me angry because I know that as soon as I say “ok I’ll stay” she will go right back to the abusive person she was for 30 years.

        Well thanks again for your comments. I will be a frequent visitor to this site because it is very nice to know that I am not alone in this situation.
        Thanks to all!!!

        • Mike91163
          December 6, 2009 at 2:05 pm

          Craig:

          “But my marriage has been over for 25 years and I say that I stayed for my kids but the honest truth is that I stayed because I was afraid to leave.”

          Yeah, me too…mine’s been done for about the past decade or so…I can count on 2 hands the number of times we’ve had sex in that entire span…and ZERO for the past 3 yrs. I too, only stayed because I was afraid to leave…and, at one time during an argument, she even said that I could not divorce her or she’d have her brother kick my ass. Sure sounds like something a 45 year old woman would say, right? Try more like a 10 yr old, which is (maybe) the emotional age of these BPD women.

          “But I have not felt any love or anything for my wife for so long that I feel like she is nothing more than a room mate at this point. OH and by the way, I have never cheated on her in 30 years.”

          It isn’t that I don’t feel ANY love for her-rather, it’s more of the “sympathetic” variety instead of a NORMAL spousal love. Yep, we’re roommates also…and neither have I cheated.

          “My wife is being oh so sweet right now because I told her it is over.” While I haven’t told mine yet (still getting my ‘ducks in a row’), I SWEAR these women have radar…she knows something’s up, and has been sweet as pie as well. I think it’s because I’ve been establishing some boundaries-for example, I refuse to engage her in an argument; also, if I do not want to do something she wants me to, I simply tell her so. I don’t know if it’s “shock” on her part that I’m standing up to her, or part of the “please don’t leave me” dynamic, but I ain’t buying into any of it. Neither should you–if you have decided (wisely) to end the marriage, JUST DO IT, and stick to your guns. As you remarked, for 30 years you have “toed her line”, and it feels weird/uncomfortable to you to actually make a decision on your own…that feeling will indeed pass; I know, I’ve been going through this as well. Hang in there, and stick to YOUR convictions!

  11. Looking for Answers
    November 26, 2009 at 3:52 am

    I originally posted on here about my abusive ex-girlfriend, and while she is a big piece of the puzzle that forms my emotional picture at this point, I have yet to talk about another major character in my life. I started to talk about him in the original post, but decided to carve out another section to address what’s transpired between me and this other individual. The individual i’m talking about is my father.

    If you couldn’t guess from reading my other post, I’ll go ahead and put out there at this point that I’m still fairly young, at 25 yrs old. I’ve had alot of difficulty in my young life coming to an understanding of who my father is and why he carries himself the way he does. It was only upon finding this site that I realized that he is emotionally abusive.

    Even though this site seems to really be about abusive wives/gfs, I think it’s a critical element of my life that my father was emotionally abusive as well, because he shaped my opinion of what a working relationship should be as I was coming into adulthood. My father is a minister and a community outreach worker, and has done so since I was little. When I was small I looked up to my father just as many other kids who thought their father was a good person would.

    From about the time I was 15 or 16 onward is when I began to suspect that things weren’t as they seemed with my dad. At this point my mother was gone and my father’s abusive nature was starting to become more apparent. He used cruel and/or hateful statements to keep control over me and my brother. Whenever he saw fit, he would use scriptures from the Bible to make both my brother and I think we had to obey his words absolutely, or we were wicked/evil. My brother and I were both very good kids, we never came home in any serious trouble. Many of the things he would say and do were orchestrated to keep us in fear and subordination.

    My brother left home at 18, as I did. He stayed gone, but I came back when I was 20 years old, about the same time he was leaving. I came back home because I thought it would be a good way to save money while I was in undergrad finishing up my degree, and since I had transferred schools it seemed like it made more sense that living elsewhere since my house was close enough to drive from everyday. This is when things really got hectic.

    Within 6 months we moved to a new house and my father began to get involved with real estate again. For at least 5 years we had struggled financially to stay afloat and with the real estate market booming, my father was able to make some pretty good money. This was the beginning of 2005. My father approached me about working with him and starting my own company. I obliged, since I was eager to make some money of my own and establish my independence. Around this time I planned to move out with 2 friends of mine, but I scrapped those plans to take whatever money I had and start this company while saving money by living at home in the process.

    Although I owned the company, my father was the one who really had control of the operations. Any major decisions that were made, he made. If something went right, it was all his idea, but if things went wrong, I was made to feel stupid for “dropping the ball”. I was told to “take the bull by the horns” and make something happen. If I asked for help, I was told I would be helped, but the help never came. Instead, I was made to feel weak through verbal abuse and control, and my father would do things and make decisions without telling me.

    To sum it up, I signed for pieces of property and did my best to handle company affairs which netted my father thousands of dollars in profit, while I got to a point where I was broke, had little or no knowledge of things going on with the company’s business affairs, and my credit was ruined to the point that I couldn’t borrow a shoelaces or a stick of gum on credit if I needed to. I was told all this was my fault, that it was apparent that I couldn’t make it on my own because I needed him to run things.

    Whenever I tried to break out on my own to do other things with my life, I was told I was a disloyal or a traitor. If I went to work for another company, I was told I wasn’t good enough or what I had going wasn’t a good idea and that I would fail. Even if I didn’t believe at first, I would eventually begin to believe it when things would go wrong with whatever job I was working. The only time I was able to break away was for 3 months earlier this year when I worked for a network marketing company and I moved to Texas with the company. Once I arrived in Texas, unable to make sales/money, and out of a car after an unexpected wreck, I found myself on a greyhound bus headed back home. Feeling like a failure once again, a broken man.

    I didn’t sleep at night for almost 6 months. My father’s “I told you so” taunts came on a regular and with ease. The carrot dangled over my head was the opportunity to come and work for him once again. Work for him for no wages so I could stay at his house and continue to give him control over me. I resisted at first, but then something unexpected happened. My father ended up in jail because of an issue with immigration (my dad is from Jamaica and isn’t a US citizen) and I began to work at my parent’s office again while he was away in order to help out my mother.

    My father cheated on my mother for years and I never knew about it. I suspected a few years back, but I only learned about the cheating for sure about a year ago when a girl that worked with us previously was caught at my dad’s office in the dark with him after my mother left work, but came back to catch him in the act. He denied it, of course, and made my mother think she was crazy and things didn’t happen how she thought they did (gaslighting).

    About 4 months ago while he was in jail, the same girl kept calling my dad’s cell phone, which was now in my mother’s possession. She texting and called telling her of stories which consisted of my father professing his love for her (the other woman) and saying how he was going to leave my mother. My mother being in denial, she totally disregarded this girl and worked tirelessly to get my father out of jail. During his 3 months or so in jail, I only went to see him once. My mother went faithfully every week, still under his control after so many years.

    The scariest part about everything that has transpired up until this point is this: whenever I would compare my ex-gf and my father’s personalities, different things they would say and do, they were eerily similar. For the longest time, I would ignore it and be in denial about it, because I didn’t want the align a person I thought I loved so much (my ex) with someone I loathed (my father). But for years I suspected they shared the same characteristics because of abusive things they would say to me. Upon reading this site, for the first time up until now, I have confirmed that indeed they are both one and the same in that they are emotionally abusive.

    This is something that is so disturbing because I can only imagine how many Men are going through this and are either too afraid to do anything about it or just don’t know that this is happening to them. If it starts with someone as close as a mother or father and that becomes your perception of how close relationships work and how one should be treated, the possibility of lasting effects and damage could be infinite. I for one know that this has had a profound impact on my life in so many ways: on my views of family, my career outlook, my love life, my ability to me a person worth knowing and loving. I’m so grateful that I now have a compass to use to give me some sense of direction as to where to go from here, how to proceed, and how to break this cycle that has been so destructive in my life up until this point.

    About 2 weeks ago I got a job opportunity in Michigan from a former co-worker of mine. At first I was hesistant to take the job offer because it’s not guranteed pay, but would cover travel expenses and a hotel stay indefinitely. Now because of my dire need to free myself from this abusive environment, I’m going to take it. Earlier this evening upon learning that I was going to be leaving to take another job opportunity elsewhere, my father derided me, telling me I was a loser and would never amount to anything. I’m a college grad with a BA in political science and so much I can do. Earlier as I was writing this note I heard him telling my mother the same thing. I pray that once I leave, that I’ll never have to return. I pray that I’ll have the strength to leave and let no amount of misfortune make me think it’s a good idea to return to stay here.

    I now know that none of what’s been said is true and that i’m not crazy in thinking that my father was out to hold me down and keep me a slave to his words. The only thing bothering me is….what is to become of my mother? How could I help her get away from this guy? So much desire for change, and so few answers at this point.

  12. Looking for Answers
    November 26, 2009 at 2:28 am

    I stumbled upon this website accidentally the other day, and since then i’ve be engrossed in reading the articles on this site. WOW…there’s so much I didn’t realize about the people who have been involved in my life until this point.

    First off, let me start by saying I think that not only one person, but two people in my life I believe are emotionally abusive. One is an ex-girlfriend, the other is my father. Although I see this site is supposed to be about significant others, I think it’s important I mention both in the context of how it’s affected me up until this point.

    Starting with my ex: I met my ex back in Jan. 2002, when I was still a senior in high school. I met her on AOL chat and we lived in separate states. We dated off and on for about 2 years with alot of problems coming about, but I was dismissive of so many things she did as trivial because I really wanted “us” to work. Fast forward to June 2005, which is when I told her that in order for our relationship to be able to move to the next level, we needed to work on our communication. At this point, we did many things that couples do, but we weren’t actually boyfriend and girlfriend. It was once I put this out on the table that the real ugliness began.

    For the next 6 months, she took me on a terrible emotionally roller coaster. One moment she loves me, the next she hates me. I’m worthy of being with her one day, the next I don’t deserve her. And I was stupid, dumb, ignorant, etc. at her whim.
    It seemed like what no matter what I did to try to make things right, I couldn’t please her.

    Come January 2006, I found out that she was planning on spending Valentine’s Day with another guy. This is when I began to have feelings of despair because of how much time and effort I had been putting into repairing the relationship. Things only got worse from there. By the end of February she completely cut me off…or so it seemed. She would call me for a few days, and then cut me off for a week again. Then I found out through her Facebook page that her and the guy were dating now. Pictures of them out together looking happy. I was a complete emotional mess.

    By July, I had grown tired of the back and forth. On her birthday I didn’t call her, and she called me to confront me. I cursed her out and told her I was done playing games with her. After this we didn’t talk again til October, with her calling and texting on a regular basis up until then, and me ignoring her advances. November rolled around and she asked to come out to my house the day after Thanksgiving to see me. I agreed, thinking if I could look this woman in the eye and feel nothing, I would finally be free. She came, I saw, I conquered. I was satisfied that I had worked her out of my system and was able to move on…or so I thought.

    Fast forward to February 2008. After a failed relationship with a previous gf and trying to date a few people, I fell back into the trappings of this emotionally abusive individual. I started calling her again and after about a month we started visiting each other again (since we still lived in separate states). Thus began the same cycle of abuse all over again. By December I was so emotionally drained that I began to contemplate escape again. At Christmas I bought her the wrong present, and things escalated to the point where she hit me while we were in the car. Since I felt like I was to blame for buying the wrong gift other than what she was looking for, I kept trying to work things out. She came over for New Years and got mad at me about something else. She stormed out of my house, and that was the last time that I’ve seen her until this day. For a few weeks after that she kept calling, but I broke things off and made sure to distance myself from her. I met someone else and started another relationship.

    I moved out of state in March and I for the first time in a long time I felt so free. However, through a chain of events that unfolded over the next several months, I ended up back home. That goes more into my relationship with my father, which I’m gonna put into a separate post because I feel like this one is already pretty lengthy.

    Once back at home, my ex called me again. She wanted to reconcile, and at first I resisted. Then around the time my relationship broke up, I started giving in to her advances…and then she cut me off again. So began the cycle once more…

    BUT…

    Somehow, someway, I ended up at THIS website. I was looking up borderline personality disorder (and I couldn’t even tell you why/how I found out about that condition, I honestly don’t remember at this point) and stumbled across this article about emotionally abused Men.

    At that moment my life changed. I began reading over the vast quantities of information available here with shock, awe, disbelief. All these years people that I loved and cared about and that I thought genuinely cared about me had been doing these things to me. I suspected for quite sometime that things weren’t right, and even took what I thought were appropriate measures to keep the abuse from happening, but I WAS NEVER REALLY SURE I WAS ACTUALLY BEING ABUSED.

    I think the uncertainty of myself, the uncertainty of my feelings made it so difficult to finally break this process of abuse. After all, how do you remedy a problem that you can’t even identify in the first place, and more to the point don’t even know that you have?

    Upon finding this site and reading the articles, I immediately deleted all numbers, emails, texts, etc. from my ex. I haven’t contacted her since then…that was 2 days ago. I now know for SURE that I must NEVER talk to her again. Even though the process has begun, I know this battle isn’t going to be an easy one. I’ve been ignoring her texts and calls since then, and even at this very moment as I’m writing this email she is texting and calling me. Ironically, just before this happened, she resolved that she wasn’t talking to me anymore “because I’m a good person.” Really wanna get a laugh? She’s in grad school right now studying psychology, of all things. She wants to be a psychiatrist.

    Dr. Tara, thank you so much for setting up this site. I’m sure there are so many men out there who can benefit from the wealth of information found here if they only knew about it. I’ve already called a friend of mine and told him about the site, as I suspect he may be going through an abusive situation currently.

  13. j9
    November 20, 2009 at 7:57 pm

    I can’t help but comment here. I know this is for men but after reading this I was in shock. I think I might be doing this to my boyfriend and I didn’t even realize it. I love him so much but I always get mad and I know I hurt him with the words I use. My excuse to myself was that he did so many bad things in the relationship that it gave me a right to get mad and blow up, but to think he might be feeling like this escaped me for some reason. The last thing I wanted was to hurt him. I was just trying to make him understand how much he hurt me but I see him demoralized and distant and I rather lose him than he lose himself. I needed to read this.

    • Olivia
      November 25, 2009 at 1:04 am

      I need to say something here… We need to be careful in not falling into “self-diagnosis”. There are times when “psychotic-like” reactions are the result of the way we are treated by partners who are manipulative, emotionally unavailable, and drag us in emotional rollercosters. I know, I’ve been there. For a long time I thought I was crazy! I went from loving him to hating him, from being hestatic to totally depressed. I loved him and I hated him. There were times in which I was treated so badly, like I was nobody, I meant nothing. On those occasions my first reaction was to get angry, and yell at him for doing such horrible things to me. Ultimately, I would end up apologizing, even if it was not my fault, for fear of losing him. It took me almost 2 years to understand what was really going on.
      Before you fall in a spiral of self-condamnnation, and self-hatred, and guilt, make sure you seek counseling. The real problem may or may not be just you…

  14. November 13, 2009 at 7:00 am

    well now I’m here reading this part because I went back for more. Now I’m in the process of detaching from her and it’s hard as well as painful. I am having a hard time with the clean break thing…geeezus. I’m so grateful you guys are here….this helps me so much.

  15. November 12, 2009 at 10:25 pm

    Great thread. The sheer bulk shows how desperate people are to communicate about this.

    My brother is in an emotionally abusive marriage. I have been watching the rage, the reflexive blaming, the constant savage criticism of him and of other family members (behind their backs), the put-downs of men in general, hearing of the humiliations in front of other couples, for about 20 years. Only recently did I begin to apply the phrase “emotionally abused” to this situation, however. A few days ago I had direct conflict with my sister-in-law in front of my brother for the first time ever: I followed up by writing him a letter — perhaps an awful mistake, but it’s done now — in which I expressed my anger at her. Now he’s withdrawing from me, shocked and offended, defending her, getting our parents to try to get me to “get over it” because “she’s a loving mother” etc. . . I feel like I can’t breathe quite right . . . any advice or insight appreciated.

    • melove54
      November 14, 2009 at 6:09 pm

      Larry,
      It was destined to happen. I wouldn’t take too much to heart about this. What is important to you, I’m sure, is your relationship with your brother. He is shocked and offended because he is in a stage whereby he still supports her, despite her egregious nature. It’s what a good man does, even with “crazy bitches” like her. I repeatedly supported my X-N with friends and family alike. I used to believe she was a good mother to her son, however, I confused being attentive to her son with doting over him, and he exudes strong characteristics/traits of NPD at 10 years of age. In other words, the “loving mother” is part of her facade. She has everyone duped (possibly even afraid of her!) As you have not disclosed how old your brother’s child(ren) are, I would step back as an observer (and you may already have)and note what their social skills and deameanors are like. In general, you should only be an observer anyways, and only respond to your brother if he should ask for your advice. Your action may likely set a seed for him to recognize his situation later on. In the meantime, offer the olive branch, apologize to him and let him know that you’re there for him. Remember, it’s his wife, and he will have to make the first move when he needs support. If he should ever seek your advice, be empathetic and only disclose facts of your observations. Don’t engage him to the point where he will resent your advice, as you only want him to acknowledge what you observe. Don’t name call the SIL,..again, only convey your observations, as you only want his intellect to engage, not his emotions. Separate being a brother and simply be an understanding human being instead. Family tends to be too forthright about their opinions.

      What you did was a inevitable, someone eventually had to stand up for him, now he has to deal with it, or stand up for himself. Nothing you can do except try to become closer as brothers. He is going through what all of us on this site have or are still going through. He will either figure it out and get out, or he will decide to remain. Until then, if your parents believe she is the good mother, do not engage them otherwise (it’s actually about being a grandparent, and family unity despite how bad the mother really is.) Controversial conversations like this will eventually get back to your brother and your attempt to fix the situation will have no credibility. Even if they believe otherwise, limit your statements to facts, such as, “until he recognizes what she does to him, we cannot help him, he has to make that decision”, etc.

  16. Matt
    November 11, 2009 at 11:38 am

    Hi all, just another update. It appears that the letter from my solicitor has created some fear in her, telling her I’m asking for full custody.Initially she tried to disregard it, saying she received a ‘silly letter’ from my legal team,and was on yet another vacation in South Africa with the new bf when she posted on FB (that indeed is if that were true) stating the ‘kids just love him, that’s because he is more on their level sometimes, bless him’
    And that (his name) ‘….is trying to get me to eat here YUK! As soon as I’m home I’m going to diet and excercise to’de-flab’ myself.’
    Hah, she now has him worried and pandering to her bulemia.Been there,done that, waste of time..

    So, on Monday last 9th Nov, she realises I have moved home, turns up again on my mother’s doorstep asking where I have moved to….she doesn’t tell her.That same evening I recieved this text :

    “Matt i have had enough ofthe facebook and other rubbish i just want you and i to talk sensibly regarding our children the judge at the court said i was able to do that with you i just want what is best for the babies it is now your call.no more fighting,it is horrible. i am on my own if you want to sort this out if not then we will go down the legal route which is ok if that is what you prefer i have not got internet at moment so cannot do it by that as i say just`want this mess sorted so we both can get on with the future.”

    I obviously didn’t respond,and forwarded a copy of the text to my solicitor. Next morning, she calls my mother and says she will drop the children at hers at 10:30 am for a few hours….suddenley her whole attitude has changed…this is all very worrying, and do not trust her at all.Can anyone predict,or offer an opinion on what she might do next?

    I’m so excited about seeing my kids again,and can’t wait until tomorrow.My mum will text me after she has dropped them,and will make sure I’m gone before she collects.
    I’m still intending to continue on the legal path.

    Thanks for reading

    Matt

    • shrink4men
      November 11, 2009 at 4:40 pm

      Hi Matt,

      I think you’re wise to be suspicious. Perhaps the new guy has tired of her “charms.” It wouldn’t be the first time a relationship ended because of bad behaviors exposed on a “romantic get-a-way.” Perhaps the letter from your solicitor scared her—i.e., there will be negative consequences to her behaviors. Perhaps she’s trying to lull you into a false sense of security by being “normal” so you’ll back down legally and then it will be back to her usual fun and games.

      My advice is:
      1. Don’t trust her.
      2. Consult with your attorney and proceed as planned.

      What does everyone else think? Typically, when a woman like your ex extends the olive branch it’s either to smack you over the head with it or because she realizes she’s about to be exposed in court.

      Kind Regards,
      Dr Tara

      • melove54
        November 11, 2009 at 5:04 pm

        Dr. T,
        I totally agree when reality hits they will tend to take on “normalcy” temporarily,..long enough to realign a new way to manipulate the situation to her advantage. I believe too that as long as Matt creates reality and does not engage in her egregious behavior, she will eventually break down. Perfect time for him to limit her options of communication to email, text, one on one so he can record/document her episodes of “crazy” behavior.Having that one on one conversation with her would not be a bad idea (using mini recorder) as long as Matt can legitmately remain non-adversarial, use logical and viable questions and answers, simply remain calm and collective while she loses her mind. As we all know, truth and reality is her enemy, therefore, she won’t be able to deal with it well. Her colors will show. Trust her in no way, shape, or form for she will indeed smack you over the head with the olive branch. As well, she is savvy enough to create a convincing facade in the court room. There is no better way to shoot her down if you can document and record her “beast” from within. This facade can then be destroyed with such evidence presented in court, she will become transparent.

        • Matt
          November 12, 2009 at 12:05 am

          Thanks for your replies Dr Tara and MeLove. I’m wondering if her actions are in direct relation to finance. As you know,legal work is extremely expensive, she knows my intentions are serious, and that I do not intend to back down. She will never be given the opportunity to smack me`over the head with the olive branch, for I do not intend,ever to give it to her. I still feel very strongly she is trying to coerce me into breaching the restraining order, so if I am in jail, no legal fees or court fight for her, she gets to keep the kids, essentially, for free!

          Yes,I also agree that she must be concerned over her behaviour being exposed in court,and this worries her,as I have amassed enough evidence from her FB postings which will undoubtedly show all how she conducts her life,and the child welfare people will see how false and unrealistic her fantasy life is,all I can hope is she will be seen for the liar and manipulator she is….I’m hoping she will blow at some point, whilst I steadfastly refuse to engage with any of her deluded traps and plans.

          At long last, I think she realises I have her on the run. As soon as those kids are away from her, and safe with me from her crazy unhinged messed up world, the better.

          I will keep you informed!

          It’s funny, now I keep checking my tail to see if I’m being followed etc, it’s that scary, but I have the gumption to press on,as I believe now she has exposed her weakness,and my position has improved…or at least I think. My gut feeling tells me to beware,it’s just another trap.

          • sam
            May 12, 2010 at 7:57 pm

            I know this is way late, but I have the same dynamic. We had a hero/heroine (sounds nicer than paternal) relationship. When she would push for more custody of the kids, I told her I’d see her in court and explained the process (the psych evals, her affairs out in the open, etc) and convinced her I would do it. She got very contrite and dropped the issue. This actually happened a couple of times. When I would be stern with her, she backed down. When I was nice, she would attack. Like a child.

  17. Bob
    November 10, 2009 at 8:13 pm

    I have read these articles and threads with great interest and increasing concern and confusion. Much of what is said here seems to apply in my case but not all. My wife has a history of depression which she acknowledges and has had periods of medication which she says does not help. At the moment she reads an awful lot of self help books in the search for some answers but refuses to take anymore medication. I have tried to steer her towards counselling, and she even had a referral from the doc; but nothing came of it. There has been no mention in the articles so far of any link or otherwise to depression so I was wondering whether a NPD person would actually recognise this fact? Maybe she recognises something is wrong and the only thing that comes close is “depression”. Do you have any advice?

    Another factor that worries me is the rages. We don’t really argue, but if I do something wrong it will just be a period of not speaking; definitely the cold shoulder, but no rages. Something else happened recently that I would like to discuss as well. My wife actually left the family home for a while and rented in other accomodation. I was gutted. I survived, and waited it out. We had marriage counselling, but that was a disaster really. One of the “unspoken” conditions of her return was for me to refurbish our house; which I have launched into with all the energy I have (I work full time and am really busy at work too). The house should be ready soon and we will all be moving back in. Most of our conversation regarding our problems at the moment tend to be resolved by “lets wait until we move back in, it will be better then”. I can’t really say if it was me that decided to do the house, or whether it was her; or a joint decision. Its all a bit of a blur.

    I get really emotional reading all the articles so I know that a lot of this must apply to me; but the only real outcome in these pages is to leave the relationship. I just don’t know whether I can do that as I would feel like I was abandoning my 2 children. How can I leave them with their mum if it really is NPD? How can I go down this route when they have already witnessed her leaving and then returning. Please can you pass on any advice or insights you have. I have tried to keep it short, but there is so much to say and its so complicated.

    • melove54
      November 10, 2009 at 9:46 pm

      Bob,
      It seems she is resentful, has some regrets, and is seeking anonymity. I would say take a close look at your marital history. In other words, when did the happiness in your marriage begin to dwindle. What events in your life were occuring when this began and to date. BPD/NPD come to surface during adolescent years and continues typically, throughout the course of an individuals life. You would have seen the signs probably when you were dating. You don’t suddenly become afflicted with such personality disorders. Depression is a result of traumatic experiences (perceived or otherwise)that one cannot seem to overcome through positive mindful and motivated thought. This is akin to loss of self-worth, the inability to control the negative thoughts, the events, for whatever reason, real or imagined. Women also have a complex chemistry and imbalances that can begin in their late 30’s to early 50’s. Doesn’t necessarily have to be menopause, negative thought patterns change brain chemistry and can thereby affect physical well being. Bad eating habits, vices like alcohol and cigarettes, in general, poor health habits can bring about imbalances. Some women are also genetically predisposed to early onsets of such imbalances, i.e., if a woman’s mother began menopause at 37 years of age, there is a likelihood the daughter will too.

      Is there any history of depression in her family, and to what degree? What is the mental health history of her family? What kind of personalities does her parents exude? Look at all these factors outside of your marriage as well. It may be a case too of the two of you not communicating well, be it everyday stuff, intimately, or otherwise. Maybe the two of you simply need to be honest with yourselves as individuals and as a married couple. These are just some brief options to consider, as there is not enough information to formulate a stronger opinion. Best wishes.

      • Bob
        November 14, 2009 at 8:41 am

        Thank you for taking the time to reply.
        My wife has always been the way she is even when we were dating years ago. There has always been as sense of treading on egg shells around her for fear of upsetting her. As mentioned before, this does not end up in any rages, just the cold shoulder for a period of time. In terms of traumatic incidences, the obvious one is that her mum left the family unit when she was about 10 years old leaving her to be brought up with her dad and sisters. As a youngster she has struggled with bulimia, depression and traits of obsessiveness. In fact the obsessiveness is still there and at the moment is applied to her fitness and dietry intake. In terms of health and diet, she is about as (physically) healthy as you can imagine as she works in the fitness and nutrition industry.

        I think there are too many similarites mentioned in these articles for me not to try to explore this area further. After all these years, it is the only thing that I have ever read that comes close to describing what I am going through. I don’t think it is the complete answer as there are significant differences but I will read up on it some more. If you know of any good resources or books, then please let me know. Thanks for your help.

        • melove54
          November 14, 2009 at 5:26 pm

          Bob,
          Rest assured, you are enduring something, however, based upon the fact that you are not experiencing the rage, as well, you have not mentioned the most common of traits, lies, deception, (manipulation?),and projection. Even if she is subtle, she would be at least argumentative, easily and highly offended at the least little circumstance. Rage would be the typical result, so not too often do you find one so dismissive and introverted. Of course, it’s like I always say, “it’s not about the diagnosis being solid/concrete, it’s whether there is verbal, emotional or physical abuse that exists.”

          We’re all intelligent enough to know when we’re suffering at the hands of our spouse/s.o., and we must depend upon that intellect to determine in reality, where we stand and to accept certain responsibilities in the relationship in order to move on. To decide what is in our individual best interest, as well, for our children.

          If I were to make a novice call about what troubles your wife, I would make a guess it’s severe depression. Her addictive personality tendency, coupled with OCD could blend as a result of PTSD. Hard to say, and Dr. T is the only qualified person to answer that one.

          I still believe she resents her lifestyle and seeks ways to escape what she percieves as “reality.” She seems to withdraw, which is a depression trait. Regardless, if she is not responding to treatment (as you prev. mentioned), nor is she willing to recognize her situation, commit to, and fulfill viable treatment, then you have to do what’s best for you. Like you stated, “no need to further explore.” You know her well enough to know if she will follow through in the best interest of the marriage,..from what you have stated, it seems she probably won’t. Best wishes to you my man!!

  18. Anonymous Coward
    October 28, 2009 at 5:30 pm

    Matt :
    Anonymous coward-thank you so much, your comments have given me the wake up call I nneded, I never even considered the listed possiblities as possible! It’s really quite scary-I’m assuming your ex hit you like this?
    Matt

    Dude, the only things that I have NOT been accused of are satanic worship and ritual human sacrifice, and I am NOT joking about this.

    Your ENEMY has been doing her own due diligince and research, count on that.

    Make use of EVERY hour you have now, before the storm hits, and destroys your ability to think and plan.

    I cannot stress the following point enough.

    These sorts of sexual allegations are a COMPLETE NIGHTMARE to defend yourself against, it is usually literally trying to prove a negative.

    I was INCREDIBLY lucky, I was accused of so much, over so long, that enough items were hit that allow me to definitively prove a negative, eg being admitted to Intensive Care ward etc.

    EVEN SO, I was only able to REMEMBER this evidence, and then FIND it and give copies to my legal team, because I followed the plan I outlined to you.

    “Luck” is something that you MAKE in these cases, and make no mistake, you NEED luk to win.

    One last word of advice, do not ever say this in writing or in Court, but nevertheless it is true.

    If you have a vagina, you are incapable of telling a lie.
    If you have a penis, you are incapable of telling the truth.

    Good luck.

    Last one standing wins, so make sure that is you.

    • Matt
      October 28, 2009 at 6:29 pm

      Hey thanks guys! I have shown copies of this and other vile lies to very close friends I can trust,and do not speak to her, and they all show the same response “disgusting woman” ”she has lost it” ”she needs medication” ”that isn’t normal”etc etc. On my last access visit 6 weeks agon, my daughter (2 yrs old) was sticking her fingers down her throat and nearly puking-she has obviously watched her bulemic mother do this-and has been using swearwords.

      She has another drama, her bf is her fist ex husband’s ex best friend, no doubt she is getting off on all the attendant friction surrounding that. I feel so sad for both of these guys, she is just one disturbed, crazy woman… (BPD/NPD) Does she fit the cluster B field,or what? Both these poor fellows are dancing to her tune, unlike me, who has the sense to never rise to her bait in any way, she must be going nuts at me because of this, lol.Can you imagine the tension surrounding her, these poor suckers very likely getting at each other, the catalyst of their crazy situation justs sits back basking in the glory? WOW!!

      Jham, my solicitor is seeking to get FULL custody.I think I’m lucky she has revealed that new guy is going to be ‘dad’ in this early stage of her new twisted and sick ‘relationship’, as I think it must prove to all and sundry that her aims are unrealistic and pure fantasy.

      I don’t feel intimidated by this, although, an anonymous coward pointed out, I must remember that being a man in these situations makes one practically guilty before properly tried!
      I bet if I’d undergone a gender change procedure before court,and my new name was Matilda or something, I would be looked upon less critically!

      Indeed, the parental alientation has started with much vigour, so the longer I’m parted from them, the harder it will be to negate in the future.I’m hoping a court will pour scorn on her wild assertion that my 2 year old ‘insists that she no longer wants to see me anymore’

      Thanks Dr Tara- I have grabbed the screens as soon as they appear, so long may they keep coming!
      Cildren need their fathers,and heaven knows, my two need theirs,I can’t imgine how their lives will be left with this crazed person.

      You know what, I wouldn’t be surprised if the new feller seeks me out in the future,and asks me ‘did she do this, did she do that’ questions..

      No matter whatever, how foul, how evil, her future tirades are, I will NEVER retaliate,as I know that is where my strength lies.

      I have emailed my solicitor with all this stuff, even the pics of the new bf feeding my baby on FB etc..I just hope the legal system identifies the insanity and give me my kids back…full time!

      Thankyou once again for your continued support everbody, it’s a real help to me to have an opportunity like this to get it off my chest!

      Now, anyone actually make/sell a BPD/NPD detector yet?
      The past 4 years have been the most disturbing so far in my life.

      Matt

  19. Matt
    October 28, 2009 at 2:03 pm

    Hi all

    As I mentioned earlier my wife uses Facebook as a vehicle to peddle this filth,all in response to me having posted some pics on my page of my 2 kids clearly having a fun day out with them both,my crazy wife now calls me ‘the sperm donor’ and ‘the biological father’ and her boyfriend is now the ‘real’ dad. My baby boy now calls him DADA,(allegedley)and she wrote ‘lol’ immediately after this post.Also she wrote my 2 year old (yes,2 year old) daughter ‘INSISTS’ she doesn’t want to see me anymore….what madness…

    She knows full well I want to see my kids, but denies this. She has resisted all efforts to attend or engage in mediation and due to the completely false restraining order she has on me,I clearly can’t contact for access……
    All these vile comments are posted on her Facebook account, so have copied and sent to my solicitor (lawyer)
    She has been with her boyfriend for 2 months….this is so crazy,I can’t comprehend it, but I should have known better as she behaved much like this in our marriage..
    She has aked mutual friends ‘What is Matt doing’ etc and sent texts ‘accidentally’ meant for someone else,exposing her relationship activities with the latest victim into her enticing web.
    As much as I hate to read this stuff,it is all fodder for the legal team. Just wish I could understand exactly why she feels the need for all this, I know she wants to hurt me etc.
    I accept and am happy my whacko liason with her is over, but she just keeps pressing the buttons.

    Men, beware. As the saying goes, ‘if it appears to good to be true,it usually is’
    Take heed,and watch your new girlfriend carefully for any symptoms of this disorder. I have 2 kids I love dearly, and won’t get to see them until the ponderously slow legal machine has dealt with her.
    I’m so looking forward to the day she is forced by the courts to undertake psychiatric evaluation.
    What a contrast to the sweet, kind, loving individual she was who totally adored me in the early stages!…Surprise surprise, she totally adores new guy like she did me!

    I guess she hates being ignored, hates the fact she is getting NO reponse, like I said before, I’m just waiting for the next volley of hate filled missiles to come at me! I’m half expecting a rant on my doorstep soon.

    Thanks for reading.

    Matt

    • melove54
      October 28, 2009 at 3:18 pm

      Matt,
      I feel your pain where the kids are concerned. It is a vile, self-centered, sick individual that devises such ploys to hurt another. A woman that thinks more of the next headgame she will play, rather than preserving the continuity of the childrens relationship with their father, is plagued with venom and a putrid emotional core/epi-center.

      Just keep acquiring written evidence,(emails, text, facebook,etc.) and if possible, record one on one conversations. The legal system is slow, however, you can speed it up somewhat with good solid evidence of her egregious behaviors. Good luck to you!

    • jham123
      October 28, 2009 at 4:06 pm

      Matt, Keep this up for sure…..copy everything. She is handing it over to you post by post on Facebook. Parental Alienation is a doozie and she is publicly announcing that she is responsible for this occuring with your kids.

      I would seek FULL custody of the children at this point.

      Yes…..DO NOT WEAKEN and retaliate, you will win this battle.

      • shrink4men
        October 28, 2009 at 4:09 pm

        Take screengrabs of anything she posts on Facebook as soon as you see it as she can always edit or delete her posts.

        Hang in there,
        Dr Tara

Comment pages
  1. November 30, 2009 at 5:23 pm

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: