Home > Abusive relationships, Borderline Personality Disorder > Relationship Roller Coaster Ride: The Cycle of Abuse

Relationship Roller Coaster Ride: The Cycle of Abuse


rollercoasterDo you feel like you’re going around in circles in your relationship? Are there so many emotional highs and lows that you feel as if you’re on a roller coaster? Have you tried and tried to make your relationship better, but to no avail?

You may be involved in a cycle of abuse. If so, here’s what you need to know.

Not only is it possible for women to be the emotionally abusive partner, it’s quite common. In fact, women have been found to be more relationally aggressive than men.  Women use verbal assaults, withhold affection, the cold shoulder or shut you down to inflict hurt instead of physical blows. However, women often commit physical violence, too. In fact, recent studies show that it is a 50/50 split.

  • Although your partner’s attacks feel very personal, they’re not. You could be anyone–meaning that you’re not “bad” nor is there “something wrong with you.” She’s an abusive personality type and as such, she’d be the same way with any man as she is with you. This also means that if you finally decide to end the relationship, you don’t need to worry that your ex will miraculously get better and be the dream girlfriend or wife with the next guy. Pending a brain trauma, a frontal lobotomy or a lesion to the amygdala; she won’t change.

You don’t have to stay in a relationship in which you’re devalued, tormented, verbally savaged, and made to feel worthless. You can end it. There are women out there who are kind, loving, and supportive. You can have that kind of relationship if you have the courage to break the cycle of abuse in which you’re currently stuck.

The Cycle of Abuse or “Jane, Get Me Off this Crazy Thing!”

Lenore E. Walker wrote about the cycle of abuse in The Battered Woman (1979). She used it to3_jane-get-me-off-this-craz describe the pattern of tension that builds into violence against women by their husbands or boyfriends. This is a limited use of the model. It can also be applied to abuse in which the woman is the abuser and the man is the recipient.

There are generational cycles of abuse and episodic cycles of abuse. Abusive behaviors, be they physical, sexual, or emotional, are learned.

The abuser learns at an early age (usually from their family) that bullying and humiliation are how you get others to do what you want. For example, when your wife was a child, she probably observed her mother deride, criticize, and belittle her father. She learned that this is how you treat the people you “love.” Now she subjects you to the same treatment. If you have children, they are likely learn this pattern of behavior, too, hence, generational.

Episodic cycles of abuse involve specific periods of tension building behaviors that inevitably erupt into a rage episode or vicious verbal attack in which she alternates between name-calling and tears about some imagined or distorted transgression. Sometimes, you can predict these episodes; other times, they come out of the blue. Typically, men who experience this kind of recurring abuse deny that it even occurs or minimize the severity of it. This serves to perpetuate the problem and refutes the need to seek help.

female time bomb4 Stages of the Cycle of Abuse

1) Kaboom! The cycle begins with a loud verbal explosion, yelling, screaming, accusations, verbal harassment, needling, or threats of abandonment. “You’re lucky I put up with you. No one else would tolerate what I do. If you don’t shape up, I’m going to dump your sorry ass, you loser!” Meanwhile, she’s the one behaving like a lunatic. She’s not going to leave you. It’s an empty threat. You should be so lucky. However, one of the effects of emotional abuse is that you believe her nonsense and actually fear being abandoned.

2) Let’s be friends. Next, a period of remorse, rationalizations and/or excuses follows. She will either:

  • Apologize and vow it will never happen again.
  • Pretend like it never happened, which is also highly abusive.
  • Blame you for her outburst. If you didn’t do x, y, and z, she wouldn’t have to be that way. Abusive personality types never take responsibility for their own actions. It’s always someone else’s fault.
  • Deny the incident occurred.
  • Minimize her behavior and insist it wasn’t that bad.

Usually, you’re so relieved that the screaming and insults have stopped, no matter how she spins events, that you go along with it. You hope the recent attack was the last, but it never is.

3) The calm before the next storm. Things go back to “normal”–for a time. This is referred to as the “honeymoon phase.” No overt abuse is taking place. You’re getting along, while simultaneously waiting for the other shoe to drop and hoping that it won’t. She appears sincere in her efforts to be kind and loving, but what she’s actually doing is lulling you into a false sense of security that the worst is over. It’s not.

4) Tick, tick, tick… Tension begins to build again, replacing the all too fleeting honeymoon period. Irritability surfaces. Communication deteriorates. She makes veiled accusations, blaming you for her unhappiness, frustration and anything else she can think of. She emotionally withdraws and gives you the cold shoulder. Eventually, this escalates into another full-blown rage episode, verbal attack, humiliation party or completely shuts you out.

This repetitive cycle of abuse will leave you feeling insecure, fearful, worthless, broken, and dependent upon the abuser. Eventually, your entire life revolves around trying to second-guess her moods and needs in an effort to stave off the next attack. You become a non-person in that your needs don’t matter because your entire focus shifts to keeping her happy, which is an impossible task. You won’t be able to make her happy, no matter how hard you try. Nor will you be able to change her behavior; only she can do that.

The only way to end the cycle of abuse is to end the relationship. You can try some kind of formalized therapy, but the abuser usually denies the fact that there’s a problem. Alternately, if she does agree to attend therapy, she typically sabotages treatment by either labeling the therapist as a fraud, especially if she gets called on her bad behavior, or finds a therapist who colludes with her and piles more blame and abuse onto you.

You don’t have to suffer in silence. You don’t deserve to be treated this way. Please find a source of support and end this vicious cycle. Life is way too short.

READ MORE ARTICLES AT WWW.SHRINK4MEN.COM

Dr Tara J Palmatier_Shrink4Men_02Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.

Say Goodbye to CrazyWant to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

 

If you find the information I provide free of charge helpful and valuable here on Shrink4Men, please consider making a donation via PayPal to help me maintain the site.

Photo credits: Roller coaster by english invader on flickr.

Jetsons.

Female time bomb by Something to See on flickr.

  1. August 17, 2015 at 10:30 am

    My god, I wish I read this 2 years ago.

    But even then I would’ve naively hang on hoping there would be change.

  2. MHB
    January 8, 2015 at 10:26 am

    Our family was unaware of the abuse that my son was under. He had told us of bitching sessions where he was kept up all night. We had been told to be careful what we said around her, so as, not to get him in trouble There were dramatic scenes around us out in public but, everyone thought she was a wonderful person. My son took all he could I guess and he shot her and then himself. I wish we had known about Narcissist personality and we wish he had told us of all the abuse and hell he lived under. I guess it was too embarrassing. He once said he wished he had understood more about women’s emotions and that she had been giving him a hell course for 10 years and maybe if he had known more about emotions, then his beatings might not have been so intense.

    • p4nth3r
      January 10, 2015 at 6:58 pm

      I’m very sorry for your loss.

  3. ricky
    January 2, 2014 at 12:49 pm

    Hello out there to all of my fellow brothers in arms. I had no idea of the volume of marriages/relationships that were so similar to mine. I mean, I REALLY thought I was the lone ranger! No offense but, it IS a relief to know that I am not the only poor slob out here suffering under the thumb of oppression from a Dominatrix. Thanx for the posts I will keep reading and educating myself.

  4. Evelyn Moore
    August 4, 2013 at 10:45 am

    I am so glad I found your article. It has helped me to understand what my son is dealing with. He has been with a girl for 6 years and now they have 1 yr old child. He has allowed her two other girls to call my daddy even though they know and spend time with their natural father. She has I have just had it out over the fact that I told my granddaughter (his oldest dau) not to tell her two girls I had bought her two outfits because I didn’t have enough money to buy the other girls any at the time. The clothes she had with her were too tight or too short so I bought 3 outfits for her to have if I needed to take her somewhere during the week. Mind you, she should have been with her father but his girlfriend had him convinced that one more child was too much for her to handle since she has to sleep in the day (she works at night) and has a 1 year old child. They complain about how much money my son has to pay for support of his daughter and that they can hardly live. Her other two girls have a dead beat dad who hardly pays any child support and the grandmother does nothing at all for the children. In the past, I have treated them like they were my grandchildren and I love the girls and have spent lots of money on them. So my son’s girlfriend asks her where she got the clothes and she told her. The girlfriend told my son who gets on the phone and calls me and ask me if I did this and I said “yes” and tried to explain my reason. He refused to listen and started complaining about how much he pays for child support and that his dau didn’t need any clothes and when was the last time I bought the other girls anything? At Christmas, I gave my son $500 and spent $700 to fly his dau home from VA for Xmas. I could hear her in the background saying that I don’t ever have to do anything for her other 2 girls. In being around them, I have discovered that they are very jealous of my granddaughter. At one time, my son had me convinced that what I bought for one girl I need to buy the same thing for them all. But I decided that that was not a good idea and stopped doing it. Anyhow, this is how this last feud got started. There have been many others in the past for various reason and I had come to the conclusion that the girlfriend was insecure and had an inferiority complex. Her mother was a drug addict and she was raised by her father and step mother. She accused her step mother of treating her 2 sisters better that she was treated. What caused this all to get out of hand was she made to remark behind my back that I came late to their daughter’s (my granddaughter’s) party, left early and bought her a lousy gift. Then because I got on my son about sending his dau back to my house rather than keeping her, she went on facebook and wrote” ” I think _____ is a good father to ALL his girls no matter what anyone else thinks”. I don’t think she knew I would see this. So my son’s cousin responded “That’s telling them girl!” or something like that. (This was on a chat line). So I wrote, “For those of you who don’t know, she was talking about his mother”. After that, she sent me two of the nastiest messages I have ever received in my entire life. I my 67 and she is only 30. My son knows she is not the right person for him which is probably why he hasn’t married her. But he feels so stuck and afraid to start over. Some of the problem is that he had to grow up without his own father because I divorced him for infidelity and his father did not play an active role in his life. He spent summers with his father but his father never bought him anything outside of the pitiful amount of child support. Never disciplined him and he despises my husband who did discipline him. My husband did go too far at one time but I caught it in time and told my hold not to ever touch my son again and he didn’t. He had my son in a headlock. My husband was abused by his father as a child but he and I have been together for 19 years. When I first married him, he had control issues, but I have been able to change those by not giving in to them. Yesterday was my son’s oldest daughter’s birthday and he would not stay at the party because of me and his daughter’s mother (whom the girlfriend hates) and would not let her other children attend because of me. I was so hurt over this and could not understand why my son doesn’t stand up for my honor against her or for spending time with his daughter alone without the other children. So, from reading your articles, I understand what is happening to him a lot better and he is definitely being emotionally abused by this girl who has now been successful alienating him from his family. He spends more time with his family than with us and when he does visit, he is never relaxed and can just stay as long as he wants and always has to bring her other children along. I cannot get to my own child to sit down and have a decent conversation with him. I hate the fact that he didn’t get the chance to grow up with his other 3 brothers who could have toughened him up; he was born much later.

  5. Ed
    June 15, 2013 at 11:06 am

    28 years with a manipulative, abusive woman, sold my business, left her, put up with embezzlement, loss of family and friends due to extreme verbal bashing. The new sweetie was amazing, plans to buy a home outside of her comfort location happened two years ago, which we fulfilled one year ago. Two years ago, she showed signs of being exactly like my ex-wife, but did I notice, nope, not at all. Now in this gorgeous log home, she hit me with, “I no longer love you and don’t enjoy your company. I am leaving to go back to my old mobile home!” She hated it there, right beside Canada’s busiest and noisiest highway. My only question is, “Why did I not leave her when she showed signs of being a very subtle abuser, started slowly and has droned on since. No screaming, just a consistent barrage of life altering statements of why I have messed up her life. She ends up back where she started in her mobile home, I will have to sell the new house and will be left homeless with drastically reduced income. If and when I meet Miss Right number three, how will I avoid the same pitfalls then? I am now 65 and still very optimistic that Love, Lust and Laughter await us all, even though it has been missing for a very long time for me. Life is very interesting, although cruel sometimes.

  6. Juggler
    April 4, 2013 at 8:13 pm

    Hi, I have lived in a relationship with an abusive wife for over 15 years. Decided I would stand it because of my kids and because of my (sick) need for (the crumbs of) affection my wife would give me (let me have). I convinced myself that deep inside, she still was that sweet, needy girl that adored me when we were going out before marriage.

    About two month ago, because her extremely rude and violent behavior towards me and our daughter, I decided to totally avoid physical contact, holding hands, looking her in the eye,kisses and sex. It backlashed on me and now I have hell times three. But in reality hell is hell, so I am riding the wave. But it surely helps to put some boundaries when you stop begging for affection.

    Just remembering the Sex hangovers, the level of control she got over me every time gives me goosebumps! For her it´s looking great because she´s always running away from intimacy with me. For me not that much, but reading all these experiences and information is helping me to realize I need a change, a big big change.

    Thanks for all the info Dr. T.

    • Louwrens Roos
      April 4, 2013 at 9:19 pm

      She will NEVER be the sweet loving girl again. My ex witheld sex and affection for months at a time as a form of power. After years of sexless relationship I am finally rid of her. You are doing yourself a vavour by getting out. If you can, take your daughter with you, otherwise she will become the object of abuse.

      • Juggler
        April 5, 2013 at 4:47 pm

        Thanks for your truthful words Louwrens. When I look into her eyes, which is almost never nowadays I see only anger and sadness, there is nothing left of that young girl who wanted to climb the world with me. The sad part is that I never knew she wanted to climb the world on my back and whipping me rather than beside me.

        I am so tired adn frustrated. The fact that my daughter is going out to college this summer and I am being left alone with her, gives me the creeps. I won´t do it. I can´t. My support team is leaving and I am left alone with this woman that has none, none whatsoever repect for me, my efforts, my family or friends.

        It´s like being in jail, but now you are going into solitary with the one inmate that hates you the most and has all the tools and knowledge to torture you eternally. : Z

        • Louwrens Roos
          April 5, 2013 at 7:52 pm

          Dear Juggler
          You are lucky that your daughter supports you. She probably realize what is really happening.
          Take your things and go, start over, leave. You will never be happy in your life if you stay where you are. File for divorce and find someone else to be happy with.

          Trust me, I’m trying to pick up the pieces after more than 21 years. Just remember that these woman prey on good hearted solid guys like us. They reel you in long before you realize it. They specialize in deception and will fool you for years, keep you traped and mezzmerised, even though others can see this, you can’t.

          Try this: Start to ignore her- the more you fight back, khe more power you give her. This will test your patience to the verry end, because the abbuse will initially worsen, but she will eventually get bored to fight on her own.

          Avoid all physical contact, touch, sex, affection, closeness. They hold you down by manipulating your need for affection, when they find out that thjs doesn’t work any more, they get bored and maybe, like mine leave. This is however a long process. Mine took over two years.

          If you want to save time, leave now, your daughter will probably understand and support your move.

          Good luck.
          Keep me informed. Do this for yourself.

  7. Louwrens Roos
    April 2, 2013 at 8:35 pm

    Allan
    I feel really sorry for you. In my position my boys were old enough to choose for themselves and the legal system allowes them to.
    In your case I have no idea what the legal issues would be. In South Africa people have rights, including fathers.
    The only advice Ican give you is to gather information about the legal system. Speak to a knowledgable person like a lawyer or if a family counciling service is available or even a psychologist. Educate yourself in all these issues. Knowledge is power.

    The problem with your girls are your biggest issue.
    The only thing you can do is to love them. Be as fair as you can and try not to put their mother down in front of them. I am a teacher and I can assure you they will be able to make up their own minds long before you realize it. No one fools a child. They will soon enough will know where real love and nurturing comes from.

    As far as you are concerned, distance yourself from this woman. Do not try to argue or talk sence into her, because she can not see it. Have minimum contact and close yourself off from her. Avoid physical contact including sex. Withold yourself. This is the way they get power over you. Do everything yourself, cooking, cleaning, and do not make the mistake of confiding in her, as this will end up being used against you as a big weakness.

    All the best and keep us informed of your progress.

    Don’t loose yourself in the process, you are stronger than you think

  8. April 1, 2013 at 1:56 pm

    All these stories are so heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing them. It takes a lot of courage to do so. And it helps others like me see the light.

    My nightmare began 3 years ago while I was working in South America as a journalist. I met a woman and we decided to have a child. Everything was ok for a while, though I saw signs of abusive behaviour, it just became worse and worse. Name calling, swearing, put downs, threats, belittling me in public, then she started throwing things, and was ready to punch me a few times. I really think she wanted me to hit her – I mean this is South America, it’s a macho culture here. I was accused of faking it when I was sick, or it was my fault. The worst came when I saw her abusing our twins, throwing them around (then blaming it on me), threatening to hit them if they didn’t stop fussing. I outright told her that this has to stop it IS ABUSE, and she said “so.” I informed her that in North America, she would likely go to jail for this. I could not do anything “right” or correct for her, ever. I was called stupid, told to f off on a daily basis in front of our girls. I asked her to get help several times, and she acknowledged she has a problem, but she won’t go. She did go to her family doctor and of course I was deemed “the problem.”

    I admit that I’m not perfect. Nobody is.

    Not that it would matter, this is a lost cause, people like this likely will never change.

    I fear for my kids, the hate that they are learning, and the abuse they are suffering, which may be normal in this “macho” world. So the cycle continues.

    I can’t live like this, nobody can. It’s insane. Its difficult for me because of the girls, and I am in a place where I have no family or friends to talk to.

    When I leave, I may never see my kids again. She has already told me she’s teaching them to hate me.

    Pure Evil.

    All I wanted was to be in a loving, nurturing relationship, everybody deserves that. Now I see that I should focus on getting myself on solid ground again.

  9. Louwrens Roos
    March 23, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    I have been in an abusive relationship for 21 years. On thursday the wicked witch of the east moved out. It has only been 2 days and I can see the relief on the faces of my 2 sons. They are glad to be rid of their mother. I am glad not to have been screamed at for more than 24 hrs. Now begin the path of healing, my boys and myself. I’m still a bit overwhelmed to feel relieved. I suppose that would come in time. It is upsetting though to hear from the boys that they are angry at their mother. I realize now that she has been treating them in exactly the same way she’s been treating me, only more subtle. I wrote on this column the first time on 3 july 2012 and at last it is over. If you are stuck in this kind of situation, RUN.

    • Refugee
      March 26, 2013 at 2:00 am

      Good job Lou! Take a bow! Stay strong, hold the line for your boys…show them what they should do if they are ever treated like that (again).

  10. Tez
    November 6, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    If I may use this analogy….this type of woman will make you feel as if you’re a light switch that’s being constantly flicked off and on,off and on…after so long you’ll blow a fuse

  11. Amber
    October 25, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    I know this forum is for abused men, but I came upon this site while trying to understand the mental abuse in my own marriage. I have been married for 22 years to a man that, for lack of a better description, went completely nuts 5 years ago. It happened after I became successful in my career. I don’t know if he became jealous or insecure. He started being very verbally abusive, mentally abusive and some physical abuse occured. As long as I was the “good girl”, and didn’t ever try to be my own person, everything in our relationship was fine. But, when I became successful and began to make a name for myself in the business world, he became distant, moody, nasty and critical…then the cheating started. He has been involved in an “on again – off again” affair with a family friend for 5 years. Fast forward to today…I asked for a divorce and he will not give it to me. He now says that he loves me and loves our family and doesn’t want to lose me. My question is…How long will this last? Is this just a ploy to draw me in again and then the abuse will start over? Is this typical of NPD or BPD?

    I have read so many of the posts written by all of you and my heart just aches for you. How can a woman treat a man like this? I don’t get it. At this point in my life, I would give anything to have a nice man that would support me in my efforts to give a better life to our family. I am also completely shocked that any woman would call her husband horrible names and physically attack him. If you love someone…you don’t do that…not under any circumstances. That’s just crazy. The financial abuse that some of you have described is unbelievable too. Keeping a woman up and providing for her while you are being told that it’s not enough or not good enough! YIKES! But on the other hand, I get it because I have been dealing with some of the same issues, only in reverse. I guess my question is…Am I dealing with a BPD or NPD husband?

    • Mellaril
      October 25, 2012 at 1:42 pm

      Maybe he has a PD, maybe he doesn’t. In either case, abuse is uncacceptable and you shouldn’t have to put up with it. You’ll only know for sure if he agrees to see a therapist to the extent he/she can officially diagnose your husband.

      However, there’s enough information on this site and some others that can probably give you a pretty good idea of what you’re dealing with. Armed with that, you’ll be in a better position to make informed decisions as to what your options are. If he really is BPD/NPD, the prognosis isn’t generally good.

      Check out the Forum. There are a lot of women posting there.

    • John Dimock
      January 5, 2013 at 10:38 am

      Amber

      I see some similarities in our relationship experiences, but I’m confused by three things:
      1. Reading your story says to me that for 17y everything was okay and then 5y ago his behaviour changed dramatically. I’m sure there is more to say about the first 17y that would at least provide a hint of what was to come. Or is it a case of a sudden consistent change?
      2. Even though my own marriage has been difficult to say the least, there has been no third party involved sexually. I don’t understand how you have been able to see past this or to accept it.
      3. You don’t specifically mention children in the marriage, but you refer to ‘our family’. You also mention that he won’t ‘give you a divorce’. Surely you can take the lead on this if you feel it is the correct thing to do. Can you please clarify.

      After plenty of time spent thinking, researching and with a psychologist, I’ve concluded that the label BPD/ NPD may not matter so much. What I mean is that even if your husband was to be diagnosed or found to be one or other of all of the disorders currently defined, there’s no immediate antidote available. The choice that has to be made is based on many levels:
      1. Can you see a path for their improvement/ rehabilitation?
      2. Is he damaging your kids physically, mentally or emotionally?
      3. Is he damaging you?
      4. Are you contributing to the problem?

      In my case, answering the same questions wrt my family, in every case it is yes. It is the weight applied to each question that will determine the best outcome; however, the desire to remain committed to the marriage vows and the belief that one can/must help your spouse, and protect your children, keeps me bound to a scenario that is causing me harm.

  12. Nick34
    October 25, 2012 at 1:13 am

    Have any of you guys ever been told ” you don’t anything for me ” ? Wen in reality, you do quite a bit and it goes either unnoticed or unappreciated….just curious cause I’ve heard that from my kids’ mother and the woman I dated after my divorce

  13. jp
    October 24, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    che :
    …shes driving me fukin nuts but cant seem to let go

    You CAN let go.

    Yes, it’s hard because

    1. You think if you just explain everything the right way you can ‘reach’ the ‘real’ her and get her to stop acting like a maniac. [You can’t.]

    2. You’re still turned on by her. [So what. No sex is worth this treatment. A healthy man is not a slave to his c*ck.]

    3. You know she’s crazy but you doubt yourself just enough to think. “what if she’s right when when she puts me down”. [She isn’t right. Are you perfect? Of course not, but that doesn’t mean her psycho abuse of you is justified.]

    4. You’re addicted to the drama. Yes, the drama is crazy but it keeps your adrenaline pumping and that makes you feel alive. The more you cycle through these episodes the more addictive it becomes. [When you leave her you’ll feel some withdrawal from the addiction, but it will pass.]

    5. You don’t want to be alone. [There are worse things than being alone. Like what you have now. Plus, you probably will not be alone for long…unless you want to.]

    6. You’re afraid of her and what her reaction might be. [I don’t blame you one bit. She’s a violent lunatic.]

    Look the choice is simple: a) you leave her and face the consequences and ultimately become free of her, or b) stay and remain her punching bag/rage target until you end up in jail or the hospital or an asylum.

    You CAN let go.

    JP

  14. louwrens
    September 2, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    Adrian
    You will never be enough for this woman.RUN!!! She will break you down that only a dust spot of your self immage remains. I was hopefull for 20 years and never received anything.
    You start wondering what she can see wrong that you can’t. you doubt yourself into numness.
    I am almost out, but the leagle issues in South Africa takes a bit of time. Do not even concider marrying this woman, she will eat you like a corn cob, around and around…….
    Make haste on your way out and should you remember, close the door from the outside!!!!
    Good luck on a expedient desicion

  15. Adrian Dennis
    August 31, 2012 at 3:57 pm

    I’ve been a life of very similar nature with my fiancé for a year now and don’t know what to do or say because either way I’m just wrong.I fear talking now and everything is slipping away.I always feel less of a man in control and it just hurts,even communicating that is just a milestone.Don’t know if I’m angry or hopeful,in that this may change for better since my intention is for us to marry and live the life we both are striving for.Help.

  16. Lazaro
    July 28, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    I just want to thank you..ive been thru bpd hell…thru your articles and friends I can finally say its over I dont love like or hate my bpd ex…i feel indiffernt……..plz anyone in a relationship with a bpd…..run!!!!!!……dont try to make sense of it…..these woman are sicker than you can imagine…..love yourself….from miami with love

    • SNM
      July 28, 2012 at 10:54 pm

      You are so right dude. Indifference takes a while to achieve though sometimes.

  17. Louwrens
    July 3, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    I am in exactly the same situation as you are. Only advice I can give you is to get out and try to take your boys with you. It is only a matter of time before she will start with them as well. I’m talking out of experience. Get your facts straight: a) Make voice recordings of these “conversations” and save them in an original format b) Make notes of times, dates and a description of each incident c) Establish if she is not dependant on any kind of drug (prescribed or otherwyse) and collekt evidance (drug stores in South Africa must keep record of prescriptions for 5 yrs) and d) check if she obtained it from different stores by comitting fraud with prescriptions e) Make SURE she does not have an affair (they hide it really well) f) If she has a job, make sure of her stability as emplyee (they tend to get in trouble a lot or change jobs regularly). Give her the boot, I’m going to because this never changes. My fairy tale marige (when I get home the witch is waiting) is ending. I’m ending it. Good luck to you and to guys in similar situations: We are the victums: NO!!! WE ARE THE HEROES!!! You have to be brave to get out!!!

  18. June 4, 2012 at 6:20 am

    Wow… a lot of amazing stories here. My wife of 12 years was diagnosed with BDP last year during our split. She has stopped the counseling because the guy supposedly made sexual advances in her private sessions. I have tried EVERYTHING to show love to her, but nothing gets through.

    Today, she made us late for my nephews grad party that I promised my sister I would help with. She insulted, attacked, and ridiculed me in front of our 3 boys until they were all in tears. No reasoning with her. Only submission to her will can appease her lust to dominate me.

    I have been staying in the marriage to help her, and for the boys sake, but I am starting to wonder if I am just allowing the damage to continue. I hate divorce, but she keeps me hating life. I am not who I want to be when she demoralizes me daily.

    Is there any treatment for her that can work? What is best for my kids? How do I avoid getting ripped by her and the courts with the gender bias against men?

    Help please.

  19. Richard Blake
    May 15, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    Found this refreshing as all I see and read about is what Men do to woman. I’m in a verbal emotional relationship.. Quite a few years ago it got physical on her part and she denied it. Would of left years ago but we were in the process of raising our daughter do I stuck it out. She has been out of the house for 2 years but I’m still there, not really wanting to be there any longer. For some reason I cannot get the courage to leave. Anyways.. Thank you for this site. Sincerely , Richard Blake

  20. April 25, 2012 at 6:39 am

    Would this person who I love change or would it just get worse? Am I wasting my time thinking I could ever be happy with this person,she just gets so angry so quick in seconds it’s frightening even for a man to witness but when you love someone you want to help….

    • Mellaril
      April 25, 2012 at 11:37 am

      You won’t find a lot of success stories here. Keep educating yourself. There’s a lot of good information here and on some other sites. Shari Schreiber’s is another excellent one. Check out the Forum. Once you get an idea of what you might be dealing with, you can check out the options and decide what you want to do about things.

      If you’re truly involved with a Cluster B, the prognosis is generally not good. You may be at the beginning of a very interesting journey.

Comment pages

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: