Home > Abusive relationships, Borderline Personality Disorder, relationships > Is Your Girlfriend or Wife a Professional Victim?

Is Your Girlfriend or Wife a Professional Victim?

yourfaultDoes your girlfriend or wife blame you for everything that’s wrong in the relationship, even her bad behaviors? Does she refuse to take responsibility for her own actions, especially the hurtful ones? Do you frequently feel forced into a role of contrition in which you have to make up for some wrong or “owe” your girlfriend or wife?

If so, you may be involved with a woman who is a professional victim. Don’t be fooled, she is no victim. Victim-hood is a powerful role. In fact, women who play the victim are often the aggressor in relationships. They play the “victim” to manipulate and control others by holding you emotionally hostage.

Professional victims are stealth bullies. Being caught in a never ending blame game with one of these women is a form of emotional abuse for the man at whom she points her finger in accusation.

The following characteristics are signs that your girlfriend or wife may be a professional victim:

1) She never acknowledges when she hurts others. She has exclusive rights to the role of “injured party.” When you call her on her  behavior, she provides ample excuses for why she’s not accountable. The excuses she provides assign blame for her actions to someone else, usually the person she’s wronged. It’s always your fault or someone else’s fault, but never, ever is it her fault.

2) The victim must be victimized. If you’re not an abusive person, she’ll pull it out of you in order to play the victim script she has in her head. For example, she needles and needles and needles one of your sore spots, until you can’t take it any more and snap at her in defense.

Presto! She just got you to “victimize” her–never mind the previous 2 hours in which she psychologically tormented and bullied you into it. She needs to play innocent victim to someone’s bad guy. It’s the foundation of her identity.

This is a very primitive defense mechanism called projective identification, which, if you’re on the receiving end, is truly awful in that it makes you feel like the crazy person. It’s a self-fulfilling prophesy whereby she believes you’re a “bad guy” and she’s a “victim.”  She then behaves or interacts with you in such a way that you change your behavior in response to her actions and become the “bad guy.” A telltale sign is that you feel like you’re being coerced into being someone that you’re not. It’s highly, highly emotionally abusive.

3) She blames others and circumstances for her own shortcomings or failures. The professional victim lives in “Never-Never Take Personal Responsibility Land,” which is bordered to the North by “The Land of If Only.” This allows her to blame her parents, siblings, co-workers, bosses, professors and you for her life, career and relationships not being as she thinks they should be.

She’d be running the business if only her boss recognized her talents. She’d have graduated from culinary school and been wildly successful if her prof hadn’t looked at her cross-eyed. She’d have sex with you more often if you did more of x, y, and z. Don’t fall for this malarkey, men. She’s right in that there’s someone to blame for her sad life. She need only look in the mirror to direct her blame accurately.

4) She admires and respects people who actually treat her badly. This is a fascinating aspect of the professional victim: They defend those who harm, exploit and bully them and vilify and lash out at those who want to help and care for them. She may fondly describe a relative or ex-boyfriend who sounds like a real S.O.B. and follow it up with, “but he’s such a good person.” Meanwhile, you bend over backward to tiptoe around her extreme sensitivities and she accuses you of “beating her down” and “not being supportive.” Huh?

The fact that she admires and respects bullies and people who abuse their power is a huge red flag because we emulate those we admire. Let me make this point crystal clear, SHE ADMIRES BULLIES AND ABUSERS BECAUSE SHE IS REALLY AN EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE BULLY IN VICTIM’S CLOTHING.

It’s impossible to have a loving relationship of equals with a professional victim. She goes through life feeling slighted and angry, never taking responsibility for her actions or life. Good luck trying to talk to her about this. You’ll meet with extreme defensiveness and more blaming behaviors. Her only identity is that of victim: If she doesn’t believe she’s being victimized, then who is she? Someone who treats other people like crap and who is pissing her life away. It’s a matter of psychological self-preservation versus ego annihilation.

You can’t have a healthy and happy relationship with someone who holds you hostage and controls you through guilt, emotional blackmail, and blame. This type of person rarely changes and usually has characteristics of one of the dramatic cluster B personality disorders, including Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Anti-Social Personality Disorder or some variation.

If you’re involved with one of these women, I encourage you to reconsider the relationship. When I come across them in life, I try to avoid them altogether or, at the very least, minimize contact. It’s really the only way to deal with them.


Dr Tara J Palmatier_Shrink4Men_01Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.

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Photo credits: Your fault on freerepublic.

  1. Cal-Dad
    December 24, 2010 at 10:50 pm

    Here’s the latest installment from “Being Married to a Professional Victim.” We’ve been separated for over 2 months now. She sent me an email a few days ago asking it I thought it was financially feasible for her to stay in the home we own. Since she makes very little money, barely breaking even on her business I’m pretty much the sole breadwinner. I prefer my kids to stay in the home for the purposes of continuity – for their emotional well-being. Unfortunately in California homes are very expensive so I can’t see how we can live in two households with essentially one income.

    So last night I responded to her with “If you think you can earn some more income then we might be able to make it work. Otherwise it looks like we’ll have to sell the home.”

    Her terse response was “Great timing on such uplifting news. Merry Christmas.” My response to her was “Knock it off. If you don’t want to know something before Christmas then don’t ask.”

    I put up with this crap for years – it’s always my fault and she is always the victim. I’m supposed to feel bad about everything. When I was with her I’d never tell her to knock it off, I’d just walk away and steam under my breath. Now that I’ve been away from her I can see the patterns very clearly. It still bugs me that I have to interact with her on these things.

  2. Doug
    November 24, 2010 at 2:49 am

    Dr. Tara,

    I’ve been reading these posts and realize I’ve been brainwashed for over 30+ years. I feel numb and like a zombie most of the time. Our arguements consist of her ranting for hours, with me finally interjecting something which she reacts with
    disgust and horror. She’ll then use these words against me for months. She lies all the time and cannot be trusted with any information. I’m scared even now just writing this. It’s been so long I don’t if it’s even possible for me to lead a d
    decent life. This site does give me some hope. Thanks

  3. Daniel G
    October 7, 2010 at 2:01 am

    I just wanted to write a comment saying how glad I am that someone actually realizes what these women are. I’ve been going through a horrible divorce for the past year trying to free myself from just such a woman. I won’t tell you all the details of the horrors this woman has put me through, but here’s just a sample. As soon as she realized I was beginning to see her for what she was and tried to get away from her, she went to the courts and, through lies and gross exaggerations of the truth, got a restraining order against me. After many court dates, I finally manage to get the Family Court to allow me to remove my property, property I had owned since long before I had ever met this woman, from the apartment that I had been solely paying the rent, utilities, insurance, etc… on, and allow the lease to expire. What happens the very day we get the movers to move the stuff out? She trumps up a charge of violating the restraining order to the police and gets me arrested and thrown in jail for the night. Of course, for the past six months, she continually eggs the DA on to prosecute, and, of course, he can’t refuse to prosecute a restraining order violation when the “victim” is asking him to, despite the facts that the only evidence that a violation occurred was the word of the “victim” and that I have multiple witnesses willing to testify that I didn’t violate the order. Then, a day before the trial, when one of her friends that is also sympathetic to me informs her that if she really didn’t want this to go forward, (as she had been telling them), then she could invoke marital privilege, she asks “What kind of number are we talking about if I do that”? Well, by this point I know her game. So my parents and I tell our mutual friend that if she does this, we will be “fair” at the next divorce court session. I don’t know if she took this as agreement or what, but she invoked marital privilege. Well, guess what “fair” means to me: It means that at the next divorce court session tomorrow, I and my lawyer will again reiterate our contention that the assets should be divided in exactly the same way we have always said they should be divided. We will again reiterate our contention that for such a short marriage, alimony is entirely unwarranted. We will also inform the family court judge of the attempted extortion in the criminal trial. And we will reiterate our request for lawyer’s fees due to my wife’s bad-faith negotiation throughout the divorce process. And, if dreams do come true, this woman will be arrested. (Of course, that last point will happen when pigs fly, but one can dream.)

  4. Lawrence Fortune
    October 2, 2010 at 11:22 pm

    Wish I read this before I married for the second time. Completely opposit to my first wife (deceased), My second wife (Ex) was, is classical professional victim, but if you think it is hard on the spouse, just think of the effect on children. I had five from my previous marriage and it was some task to keep their self esteem from crashing. Thank God there is peace in our house now!!!

  5. Ebony
    September 8, 2010 at 3:36 am

    I have been married to such a person for over 20 years, largely because of a belief that it would be better for the children than a divorce. As part of a psychiatric consultation, my wife and I met with our child’s psychiatrist. It was an eye opener as he gained responses from her that were almost directly taken from this article. Afterward, he told me that our son’s situation was likely intractable because my wife likely has projection identification and a pathological need to be certain.

    My wife wanted to medicate our teenage son, but the psychiatrist adamantly refused seeing it as a means to control instead of alleviating a problem she is causing.

    Sigh . . . and I thought there might be hope.

    Sadly,this article explains so much.

    • September 8, 2010 at 2:13 pm

      Sorry about your situation, Ebony.

      My wife is also a PV … though of course she’d never “understand” or admit that this is the case … and fits just about every other point mentioned in Dr. Tara’s personality disorder “signs”.

      Not exactly fun people to live with.

      If you don’t mind telling us, what is your teenager’s “issue” that caused you to consult the shrink?

  6. Vulcan
    August 7, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    Hi Dr. T.

    I just broke up with my girlfiend of a year a couple weeks ago. Things have been weird from the beginning, but I guessed this was part of getting to know each other, also because I didn’t have much experience in relationships.

    I finally realized that this woman had a serious problem when it comes to taking responsibility for the choices that we make as humans.
    Being an NLP guy, I figured she lacked the ability to see things as choices she made. If she could only see that she makes choices, she would surely see how she is also responsible for her choices, right?!?
    So one day on vacation when it was very relaxed and there was a lot of rapport, I tried to “let her see” that we all make choices.
    I slowly let her put in place all the frames that I figured would be helpful for learning. (although I’m pretty sure she knew that I was up to something, she went allong anyway).
    Then we struck the topic of her choosing a school after highschool. She said something like “Oh I sent an application to that school, but didn’t think I would get in. Then visited some schools which didn’t require applications. But then my application was accepted by school so-and-so”.
    So I said something in the lines of “Oh so you decided to go to school so-and-so?”. And she would say things like “No, I just went there”. I tried a couple times to let her see it’s her choice, but she wouldn’t have any of it. I was completely flabbergasted.
    After reading this site, it kinda makes sense though.

    Thanks Dr. T.

  7. Stefano
    August 1, 2010 at 7:41 pm

    Point 3 is very interesting to me. My Ex was constantly moaning about other people in every job she had. I started to notice a pattern after 3 jobs and the same excuses for leaving. “Oh person X is constantly having a go at me and I just don’t get along with anyone there and they ignore me.” Hmmmm maybe it was her that had the problems!

  8. David
    August 1, 2010 at 9:09 am

    This is a great artice for me personally as it matches my ex to the first 3 characteristics very well,it was very sublte and pernicious.I ignord the red flags of course, she was/is very much a dramatic person in that if someone or thing upsets her, everyone gets to know about it, more than that,someone has to pay and be made to bleed. our relationship however was very good initially, she showered me with affection, love bombed, realy bigged me up to the point I was starting to get embarrassed, I have to say despite the bust up, this side of her didnt really change but looking back I feel this was part of the act because without it I would have walked ages ago, its what kept me coming back, this has left me very confused as it all seems that if this is actualy what was going on, it was a sham all along. does this make sense to anyone?

    • Dave G
      August 1, 2010 at 6:02 pm

      Absolutely identify with this! When I started with my ex, I was the knight in shining armor, who helped take her away from a “very troubled” life. I could do no wrong. Then, tougher times hit, I started to look far too human and falable, and lost that “new car” smell. Now she has a new knight (met and married within a year without any regard for our two toddlers and their need to get to know him better), and I am the “big problem” he came in to solve. Very dangerous woman, and I agree with earlier posts that there are some types of personality disorders that won’t get helped by psychotherapy. Some people are just born “wrong in the head,” and are so wrong that they are able to manipulate others (even therapists) by turning that outward onto their spouse or ex-spouse. I would love to know what her therapist thinks of me, site unseen!

  9. David
    July 31, 2010 at 10:24 pm

    my ex npd? asked me to marry her…no effing way I thought, said it more gently than that of course. I never felt the proposal was genuine, it appeared more of an ultimatum or agree to marry me and then I can have more control of you. no matter, it wasnt and isnt, going to happen.

  10. lost
    June 30, 2010 at 10:15 pm

    I’m at a loss at where to start. My wife and I have been married for 26 years. None of them have been happy for me… I could sit and type for the next 2 days and still not cover every thing.
    We had agreed on plans on how to pay bills, then she would do whatever she wanted, and of course utilities went unpaid, etc. This lead to terrible fights. I guess the most telling would be what happened just last week. She has needed new glasses for quite some time. When she went the first time, the price was astronomical, so we held off.
    Over the last year I have mentioned that she needed to get her glasses, but she never did, even when we could afford them. So last week we were arguing about something else, when she said, “well, what about my glasses, why don’t I have them? We always have enough money for things you want, but not for my glasses.” I pointed out that I had said several times that we should get them. “I know, but they are expensive and money is always tight.” I pointed out that we have had our tax return in the savings acct. for over 5 months. So it turns out that she herself had been telling herself not to buy them, and all the while being mad at me for her not having her new glasses.
    She lies all the time, tells me how much she loves me. She has cheated on me more than once because she has convinced herself that I have cheated on her. She has seen a couple therapists, and for a while we went to a marriage counselor. She would lie to the counselor right in front of me. I stopped going because we were paying for couples and the therapist spent all of our sessions talking to her.
    She told me just the other day that she was going to do better. And, “this time she means it.”
    I am at a lost at what to do at this point. When you find out that she has been distorting the truth in her own mind forever to make me the bad guy for everything.

    • July 5, 2010 at 1:42 pm

      My circumstances are pretty similar to your own, lost.

      As to “what to do”, your wife isn’t likely to change so, I’d suggest you only have two options.

      Either stay in the marriage or start planning your separation from it.

      If you decide separation is the way to go, you should read Dr. T.’s posts on the subject.

      If you don’t … and after 26 years of marriage you may see more reasons to stay in your marriage than leave it … there are other posts on this blog that may help you to deal with your wife.

      Based on my own experience, I’d advise anyone with a “short time in” and no children with someone they suspect may be a BPD/NPD type personality to head for the hills and not look back.

      But, I don’t think there are any easy “one size fits all” answers for “long-timers” who may have significant financial ties or children with their BPD/NPD type partner.

      We each have to make our own decision based on our appraisal of our own circumstances.

      Wish you the best.

  11. Jhan
    June 15, 2010 at 11:25 pm

    The reason why so many women get away with this stuff is because we LET THEM get away with it. If men ‘Manned up’ and took charge again, this stuff would happen a lot less.

    Sorry – but the ‘equality’ thing doesn’t work. Men built the world – men should run the world. End of story.

    • jp
      June 16, 2010 at 12:13 am

      Yet this site is run by a woman.

      Don’t be ridiculous. Returning to outdated gender roles, ie. stripping half the population of their rights and dignity and forcing them back into some kind of weird indentured servitude, is not a solution and it’s not an option.

  12. Jhan
    June 13, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    The best thing a man can do is learn the early tell-tale signs of the professional victim and STAY AWAY. As in – TWO OR THREE DATES INTO IT – you should see the sings and RUN!!

    Unfortunately, the current generation of wussified males has no help to offer young men on their way up. That’s just the way it is. Young men will have to seek help elsewhere – on forums like this.

    As for men who are already in deep with professional victims (marriage, divorce, court, etc) you’re already screwed. You’ve allowed yourselves to be professionally manipluated and there is NO GETTING OUT WITHOUT PAIN (emotional, financial, etc). Again – that’s just the way it is. Learn from it, get out, and move on.

    The good thing is that you can still be in great relationships – as long as you learn to spot professional victims EARLY on. EARLY means before you sleep with them or get into anything resembling a relationship.

    • sm
      June 15, 2010 at 11:12 pm

      The best thing to do is shut off the “emotional cycle”. My STBXW are divorcing but it’s a live in divorce…think it’s hard living with someone when married? Try a live in divorce…it’s barbaric. It’s taken me almost a full year to accomplish this goal and i’m still not there. To the general public she’s a “nun” but privately she can be the grim reaper. The double standards never cease to amaze me. Example…a few weeks ago I took our sons to the beach via a ferry. Since we were coming home late I told her we would take a taxi from the ferry terminal to our home..10 minute ride. Unacceptable she said…she will not allow HER children ride in taxi cab so late at night (1030 PM)with strangers, it’s dangerous! I stated the obvious but dear “I will be with them” where’s the danger? Needless to say not wanting to incur the wrath we came home early. But when it came to her travelling out of state only two weeks later to the midwest from the east, travelling through two major airports with our sons on two airplanes at 35,000 feet with 300-400 strangers, well that’s ok…HUH? This is just one example of many that I’ve lost count. There are rules…her rules for her and her rules for me. Try address the issue…forget it. The most frustrating part is that she doesn’t even realize it. Hired a lawyer behind my back, accepted monetary gifts from my family for Xmas the same week she signed her retainer with her attorney, used a family ski condo, a beach house, had me paint a room that she moved into, borrowed a family car to escort her visiting family in the day prior to handing me divorce papers..then tells me she hasn’t done anything wrong. You can’t make this stuff up…

  13. Dave M
    June 13, 2010 at 4:15 am

    I have an ex who, in response to my attempt to get us into mediation so I could get more visitation, filed a BS domestic violence TRO “protecting” her, her new husband, my 2 kids, their school and my church. It included a lot of flat out lies. Reading your description of the Professional Victim was like reading a personality description of my ex! Right after we started dating, she needed my help with bosses at work that were “out to get her”. This was the first of five jobs with that very same kind of boss, amazingly.

    Her teachers in Grad School were against her getting her Masters, her parents gave her an abusive and horrible childhood (actually this one is true), and I am sure that she justifies this lying to the courts because I am the most recent reason in her life for unhappiness.

    Wondering if there is more substatial research available on the Professional Victim, and its relationship to Parental Alienation Syndrome?

    • jp
      June 13, 2010 at 4:10 pm


      How long has she been involved with her new husband? It should only be a matter of time before she decides he’s the cause of her misery and unfulfilled potential. Based on her past patterns, how long do you think that will take? This problem may go away on its own. When she turns on him, she may be amenable to all kinds of changes in visitation, custody, etc. You may just need to wait her out.


      • Dave M
        June 13, 2010 at 8:10 pm


        I know he is her next “mark”, and that the hourglass on the realtionship is already running, but I can’t sit by and let my 4 and 5 year old be brainwashed into thinking that me and my entire family are bad people who don’t love them. If her DV claim is successful (apparently if I said, “boo!” to her in any of the 10 years of our relationship, the court usually gives the one without a penis pretty much the keys to the kingdom), she may have unchallenged time with my kids to begin this brainwashing.

        I know in the end, I win once they are old enough to see and understand the truth, but do they, me, and their entire paternal family just have to suffer between now and then?


        • jp
          June 13, 2010 at 10:52 pm

          I certainly hope not.

          Check out http://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divorce_forum/ . There’s tons of great tough practical advice and support there for guys in similar situations.

          Rooting for you!

          • Dave M
            June 14, 2010 at 4:07 am


            Thanks for the good thoughts. As a follow up, this has so upset my Mom, who spent 30 years as a Kindergarten teacher dreaming of the day that her own grandkids would benefit from that experience, that she was admitted to a psych hosptial on a suicide watch last week, threatening to drive her car into a brick wall beacuse there was nothing left for her.

            I can’t help but think that my ex’s first thought about this, was she to know, would be, “I wonder if I am on her insurance policy or named in the will?” Before all this stuff started with the false Domestic Violence charges started, I thought my wife was just a bitter woman from a bad marriage (for both of us) that had remmarried.

            Now I honestly wonder if I should fear for my life, because as part of our divorce agreement, we kept our life insurance policies in each other’s name for the sake of the kids. Now I walk around with a $400K pricetag on my head wondering if my kids will one day remember me by watching “Daddy’s Story” on “48 Hours: Hard Evidence” kept on TiVo.

            She’s gotten that nuts that quickly.


            • jp
              June 15, 2010 at 2:02 pm

              If the agreement is still being ironed out you should see about naming a trustee for the insurance instead, someone other than her who can administer the money on the children’s behalf in case you end up in a shallow grave out back.

  14. Jon Little
    May 8, 2010 at 6:18 pm

    I got one for you. If you say “The relationship failed because my girlfriend was a b*tch, and a professional victim, and its HER FAULT, and IM THE VICTIM”, does that make you a professional victim?

    • shrink4men
      May 8, 2010 at 9:35 pm

      Ending an abusive relationship moves you out of victimhood and into being a survivor. Professional victims aren’t really victims. They’re aggressors/predators who play the role of innocent injured party to control, manipulate and abuse others.

    • Lighthouse
      May 9, 2010 at 6:09 pm


      I agree with Dr.T’s comments as far as they go and offer th efollowing suggestion for an extended recovery roadmap…

      1. It makes you a martyr (compensatory narcissist) if you continue to complain about the state of your relationship yet stay.

      2. It makes you a professional victim (narcissist) if you leave the abusive relationship yet you use your resulting fears to justify mistreating your partner in your next relationship.

      3. It makes you a survivor (antisocial) if you defend against all relationships by being critical of others in order to avoid risk being a victim again.

      4. It makes you an enlightened survivor (avoidant) if you recognize that by undermining your words of complaint by staying you enabled the abuse to continue for so long and learn to respectfully and assertively say no and act no in the future to avoid all relationships and the risk being a victim again.

      5. It makes you a thriver (mentally healthy) if you learn to love only people who treat you respectfully and assertively as an equal.

      Good luck on your journey.


    • onemoreguy
      May 20, 2012 at 4:21 pm

      thank you for putting this. This is THE GREATEST FEAR I’ve had to cope with. Everything that I have said trying to tell people what really went on makes me look just like her. Makes me appear unaccountable. By telling the truth, I’m the one made to look crazy, and I lost it. Hell I’ve really been so affraid that I was a monster, and with everything that I’ve been put through, that even if I wasn’t a monster, I’m going to become one. ABout the ONLY difference I could see is that from the beginning I did say that I made mistakes and wasn’t perfect. And of course that was used against me in a court of law as evidence that I really was abusive. What a load of SHIT! The way all this plays out is to make honest people dishonest just to save themselves. But then that just supports all the erroneous information and actions by the legal and other systems, and the crazy bitch. Shit when I met her I was still poorly handling problems from a previous relationship. No matter how hard I tried to work through myself and her, I couldn’t disengage that. And the deeper she and I got into it the more I was confused as to what I was doing to either help or hurt, and sometimes it seemed that using her tactics as my defense were the only way to manage, but when I actually tried not to play the game she would get even MORE insane. I don’t call myself a victim, and I disliked it when others told me I was a victim. Hell we have not been in a relationship for a year and a half and she and the court system still are getting in the way of my life. And I am so sick of feeling powerless and that I am not allowed to fight for myself because every time I have it has made things worse. But by doing nothing, things don’t get better. Yes the personal stories help some to know that other people are going through this… but that is only a minor panacea. Something has to change, something has to be done, about her, about the others, about the courts, about something. I’ve refused to respond to any of her bait for this entire time, and it still does not help. However she is clever enough that lawyers have told me there is nothing that can be done. Anyone know of a good referral/review of good/corrupt lawyers who can win in these situations? What about a database of the “serial victims”? They are not invincible, and however good they are at concealing the truth, there is always something that can eventually be put together to “out” them.

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