Home > Abusive relationships, Borderline Personality Disorder, Marriage, relationships > 10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully

10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully

mood-swingsDoes your girlfriend or wife yell, scream, and swear at you? Do you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about your relationship because they just wouldn’t understand? Is your relationship making you feel like you’re slowly going crazy?

If so, you’re probably involved with a woman who is an emotionally abusive bully. Most men don’t want to admit that they’re in an abusive relationship. They describe the relationship and their girlfriend/wife using other terms like crazy, emotional, controlling, bossy, domineering, constant conflict, or volatile. If you use words like this to describe your relationship, odds are you’re being emotionally abused.

Do you recognize any of the following behaviors?

1) Bullying. If she doesn’t get her way, there’s hell to pay. She wants to control you and resorts to emotional intimidation to do it. She uses verbal assaults and threats in order to get you to do what she wants. It makes her feel powerful to make you feel bad. People with a Narcissistic personality are often bullies.

Result: You lose your self-respect and feel outnumbered, sad, and alone. You develop a case of Stockholm Syndrome, in which you identify with the aggressor and actually defend her behavior to others.

2) Unreasonable expectations. No matter how hard you try and how much you give, it’s never enough. She expects you to drop whatever you’re doing and attend to her needs. No matter the inconvenience, she comes first. She has an endless list of demands that no one mere mortal could ever fulfill.

Common complaints include: You’re not romantic enough, you don’t spend enough time with me, you’re not sensitive enough, you’re not smart enough to figure out my needs, you’re not making enough money, you’re not FILL IN THE BLANK enough. Basically, you’re not enough, because there’s no pleasing this woman. No one will ever be enough for her, so don’t take it to heart.

Result: You’re constantly criticized because you’re not able to meet her needs and experience a sense of learned helplessness. You feel powerless and defeated because she puts you in no-win situations.

3) Verbal attacks.This is self-explanatory. She employs schoolyard name calling, pathologizing (e.g., armed with a superficial knowledge of psychology she uses diagnostic terms like labile, paranoid, narcissistic, etc. for a 50-cent version of name calling), criticizing, threatening, screaming, yelling, swearing, sarcasm, humiliation, exaggerating your flaws, and making fun of you in front of others, including your children and other people she’s not intimidated by. Verbal assault is another form of bullying, and bullies only act like this in front of those whom they don’t fear or people who let them get away with their bad behavior.

Result: Your self-confidence and sense of self-worth all but disappear. You may even begin to believe the horrible things she says to you.

4) Gaslighting. “I didn’t do that. I didn’t say that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. It wasn’t that bad. You’re imagining things. Stop making things up.” If the woman you’re involved with is prone to Borderline or Narcissistic rage episodes, in which she spirals into outer orbit, she may very well not remember things she’s said and done. However, don’t doubt your perception and memory of events. They happened and they are that bad.

Result: Her gaslighting behavior may cause you to doubt your own sanity. It’s crazy-making behavior that leaves you feeling confused, bewildered, and helpless.

5) Unpredictable responses. Round and round and round she goes. Where she’ll stop, nobody knows. She reacts differently to you on different days or at different times. For example, on Monday, it’s ok for you to Blackberry work email in front of her. On Wednesday, the same behavior is “disrespectful, insensitive, you don’t love me, you’re a self-important jerk, you’re a workaholic.” By Friday, it could be okay for you to Blackberry again.

Telling you one day that something’s alright and the next day that it’s not is emotionally abusive behavior. It’s like walking through a landmine in which the mines shift location.

Result: You’re constantly on edge, walking on eggshells, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is a trauma response. You’re being traumatized by her behavior. Because you can’t predict her responses, you become hypervigilant to any change in her mood or potential outburst, which leaves you in a perpetual state of anxiety and possibly fear. It’s a healthy sign to be afraid of this behavior. It’s scary. Don’t feel ashamed to admit it.

6) Constant Chaos. She’s addicted to conflict. She gets a charge from the adrenaline and drama. She may deliberately start arguments and conflict as a way to avoid intimacy, to avoid being called on her bullshit, to avoid feeling inferior or, bewilderingly, as an attempt to avoid being abandoned. She may also pick fights to keep you engaged or as a way to get you to react to her with hostility, so that she can accuse you of being abusive and she can play the victim. This maneuver is a defense mechanism called projective identification.

Result: You become emotionally punch drunk. You’re left feeling dazed and confused, not knowing which end is up. This is highly stressful because it also requires you to be hypervigilant and in a constant state of defense for incoming attacks.

7) Emotional Blackmail. She threatens to abandon you, to end the relationship, or give you the cold shoulder if you don’t play by her rules. She plays on your fears, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, shame, values, sympathy, compassion, and other “buttons” to control you and get what she wants.

Result: You feel manipulated, used, and controlled.

8 Rejection. She ignores you, won’t look at you when you’re in the same room, gives you the cold shoulder, withholds affection, withholds sex, declines or puts down your ideas, invitations, suggestions, and pushes you away when you try to be close. After she pushes you as hard and as far away as she can, she’ll try to be affectionate with you. You’re still hurting from her previous rebuff or attack and don’t respond. Then she accuses you of being cold and rejecting, which she’ll use as an excuse to push you away again in the future.

Result: You feel undesirable, unwanted, and unlovable. You believe no one else would want you and cling to this abusive woman, grateful for whatever scraps of infrequent affection she shows you.

9) Withholding affection and sex. This is another form of rejection and emotional blackmail. It’s not just about sex, it’s about withholding physical, psychological, and emotional nurturing. It includes a lack of interest in what’s important to you–your job, family, friends, hobbies, activities–and being uninvolved, emotionally detached or shut down with you.

Result: You have a transactional relationship in which you have to perform tasks, buy her things, “be nice to her,” or give into her demands in order to receive love and affection from her. You don’t feel loved and appreciated for who you are, but for what you do for her or buy her.

10) Isolating. She demands or acts in ways that cause you to distance yourself from your family, friends, or anyone that would be concerned for your well-being or a source of support. This typically involves verbally trashing your friends and family, being overtly hostile to your family and friends, or acting out and starting arguments in front of others to make it as unpleasant as possible for them to be around the two of you.

Result: This makes you completely dependent upon her. She takes away your outside sources of support and/or controls the amount of interaction you have with them. You’re left feeling trapped and alone, afraid to tell anyone what really goes on in your relationship because you don’t think they’ll believe you.

You don’t have to accept emotional abuse in your relationship. You can get help or you can end it. Most emotionally abusive women don’t want help. They don’t think they need it. They are the professional victims, bullies, narcissists, and borderlines. They’re abusive personality types and don’t know any other way to act in relationships.

Life is too short to spend one more second in this kind of relationship. If your partner won’t admit she has a problem and agree to get help, real help, then it’s in your best interest to get support, get out, and stay out.


Dr Tara J Palmatier_Shrink4Men_02Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.

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Photo credits: Mood swings on ccmbuzz.

  1. Not Proud
    January 8, 2017 at 8:38 pm

    Where to draw the line? I am married to a woman who is 10 of 10 on the scale. I have a stepson in his 20s who is home from college and living with us. His father came from another state to visit him, and my wife insisted that he stay are our house. I have been through this before with her, and the lines of marriage. She claims she remains great friends with her ex, for the sake of their son. Noble as it is, am I sick of him being around way more than normal. It was surreal that the 3 of us went to a movie last night as their son went out with friends. He is a decent guy, but it could be Gandhi and I still would feel this way. So I ask you – am I being a “contemporary forward thinking guy” (as she has told me in the past) or I am being taken advantage of? The thoughts of fellow writers will be appreciated.

    • Daylight
      January 29, 2017 at 4:56 pm

      It’s an unusual situation, IME if something doesn’t feel right or add up it’s probably not right

  2. Aarn
    January 5, 2017 at 6:03 pm

    Wow! Reading this and all the comments has really opened my eyes. I am in a relationship like this and have been for 7 years off on. Ive gotten out a few times but always slipped back because I truly believed it was all my fault. I’m drawn to her for some reason which I now thin is the ‘Stockholm syndrome ‘ thing. I feel so frustrated, lonely, confused and often crazy but already feel relief as I know I’m not alone. I am not perfect and do have flaws that she has pointed out since the beginning of the relationship but I have honestly tried to work on them. Some I have had great success with but I’ve learned the list is never ending and the criticism is never ending. Now though I realise the true problem. Her. I ticked off almost every point on the above list and started thinking ‘that’s exactly what she does and exactly how I feel. She always makes me feel that its all in my head and its my problem to deal. She’ll deny things she has said so much that I actually start to wonder if it is in my head. I will give her credit for one thing – she is a brilliant liar. Thank you all I feel I’ve finally picked up the shovel and am about to begin digging my way out of this hole.


    • Not Proud
      January 8, 2017 at 7:46 pm

      Aarn – welcome to the group. Are you sure you aren’t married to my wife? I have had great relief seeing others who are in the same boat, to know I am not alone. I certainly don’t have all the answers here, as I believe I am in the Stockholm phase myself. If I took away my wife’s looks and beauty, and only looked at her personality and soul – I should have been gone long ago. Keep reading, as I check in here almost daily to hear stories from others.

  3. Sub
    January 1, 2017 at 9:10 pm

    Here is what has been happening with me since I got married 1.5 years back –
    1. Whenever I try to tell my wife that there are certain problems in our relationship such as lack of healthy communication, I am always shut down saying I irritate her, I am a habit pf spoiling things when everything is going smoothly and I am an irritating person
    2. Same things happen when I try to convey her that I feel like an invisible silent partner.
    3. I have seen her throwing things during arguments and that has cringed me to a fear where in I am scared to voice my opinions.
    4. She has always had problems with my parents and my relationship with them is affected because of this as well. She gets uncomfortable when I talk to them and lot of times she has accused me of talking with them behind her back. She also blames most of the problems in our relationship to my parents which I dont feel is correct.Lot of times she has said very mean things about my parents which have hurt me very badly.
    5. In events where I experienced a personal loss, in spite of me asking for her emotional support, she was not ready to put behind whatever thoughts were going on in her mind and give me that support.
    6. Everything looks normal when I am suppressing my feelings and not expressing them to anyone.
    7. Since our marriage there has never been a single instance where she tried to reach out to me and said she is sorry about her behavior and she will try to make sure it doesnt happen again.
    I have started realizing that there are traces of emotional abuse in this relationship.
    After trying for several months, she has finally agreed to see a therapist but to her there are no problems in our relationship and whatever problems are there are not caused by me. I am worried that therapy instead of helping us will make the matters worse ? Can anyone provide me some guidance based on their experience on what I should be looking for in therapy and be careful about.

  4. Frankie
    December 31, 2016 at 4:42 pm

    My therapist feels I’m dealing with a female narcissist .
    I caught her cheating red handed .
    The next day instead of an apology
    I got a text ” based on your behavior last night . I no longer want to be in a friendship or relationship with you “…
    Honest to God ?!!
    Are they that messed up !
    But I got a text 4 weeks later
    ” hi. I just want to say that I hope you’re doing. Ok . I did not respond .
    By the way
    When caught her
    I called her every name you could think of
    They weren’t nice names either
    Haven’t heard from her since
    It’s Dec 31
    This happened October 6
    What’s with that text ?
    Thank you

    • D Mac
      January 8, 2017 at 9:48 pm

      Yes! Sounds like a 100% sociopath! They show no empathy for anything they are responsible for because they carry a sense of entitlement and everybody is below them and not worthy of as much as a response, asfar as they are concerned. I have gone through MANY similar incidents, 1 where she was caught by me “red handed” and I never received one apology for her behavior or a shred of repentance for her wrong. That in and of itself should be enough to SCREAM AT YOU TO GET FAR, FAR AWAY ASSP my friend.

  5. Brenda O'Rourke
    December 29, 2016 at 3:23 pm

    Do you help when it’s the husband doing these things to the wife?

  6. Terry
    December 26, 2016 at 5:07 am

    This list describes my exwife to a tee. She has tortured two more husbands since me.

  7. Simran
    December 26, 2016 at 4:20 am

    Hi all,
    I always wondered if i was the only one emotionally abused. I thought there has to be others out there. Reading your stories make me sad. My story is quite sad as well.
    I am of Indian origin (India) and live in Australia for the last 30 years with my ‘wife’ and one adult kid (kids over 18 are considered adults in Aus).

    I used to live in India, where I was married to this friendly, beautiful girl from a good family. Mine is a arranged marriage which is extremely common even now in India.

    The abuse started from week 1, when my wife started yelling at my mother for no obvious fault of hers just which in Indian culture is absolutely no-no. I was bewildered. Didn’t know what to do, i was only 26 (boys in india are not mature at that age..unfortunately..anyways I was quite immature). Didn’t know whose side to take. Ultimately I took my newly wedded wife’s side. A year later after a lot of pushing from my wife, we did try and heralded a beautiful baby girl to this world. Shortly after that we migrated to Australia.

    Its here I found out what she is really like. Let me say she ticks 8/10 of Dr Tara’s checklist. I don’t even know where to start. She is sitting nearby and I am scared sh*t she will ask me what I am doing and what am I going to tell her.

    I honestly don’t know where to start. There are so many episodes. I have been physically beaten multiple times including in front of children, been hurled choicest swear words, been belittled more times than i can remember, had things thrown at me, threatened with knife, beaten while i was asleep. This is just the physical abuse.

    I see glimpses of my life in my of the above comments – for mental abuses my story is no different to ‘Not Proud’ guy. I used to be very good in bed but prostate meds and constant mental torture over smallest of the things has finally caught up with me and I have lost all my libido towards her.

    I am in a strange situation where i get blamed for things that i have not done or even thought about. She doesn’t hear the words but ‘hidden’ meanings behind the words. She considers herself to be a mind reader. She says she can hear people’s thoughts when they are on phone with her! Absolutely non-sense.

    If for any reason I walked a step behind her for a short distance – I hear, I was trying to watch who is she looking at! She thinks neighbours 25 year old boy ‘looks’ at her, she is 50 years old mind you. She thinks our son’s 18 year old friend ‘checks her out’. Absolutely wrong. And according to her I know all this and try to deliberately encourage them since according to her i get some fun out of all this. Completely untrue.

    I am not allowed to invite any friends at home. She wants to go to parties with me but on coming back I get accused of something so trivial such as not speaking too much. If I speak too much then i also get accused of why this time and not that time. This then goes on for hours.

    She loves to hear her voice. Some days she starts to accuse me from morning through to night and then next day – constant moaning on things that i not only did but did not even think about. She berates my parents, my sister, my friends….basically anyone i know.

    Her mother visited us a few months back. Her mother tells me that she (my wife) beats her when I am away. My wife is not on talking terms to her sister. Actually she is not on talking terms with practically anyone. Everyone according to her has an agenda. If some one says hello to her – that person must want something from her.

    We used to go to my son’s soccer games. Instead of fun it was nightmare. That woman didn’t say hello to her this time, why was I smiling, why was that woman talking to me, why didn’t i encourage our son to score goals, run harder, why did i allow him to get injured, why did i choose to sit here not there – what was my reason, there must be a woman i was looking at….list goes on and on and i can write volumes from my experiences of 30 years of marriage.

    Now she has had a major surgery and I am helping her recover. She doesn’t want it but keeps telling me how she helped me earlier. I am really helping her but its not good enough but I didn’t think of that. I give her meds at midnight – oh the water is cold, go and warm it up. I make things for her – she says she feels guilty, then asks children to help which they do and then she turns on me that i am not doing anything and she has to get children to help her.

    No one can question her, no one. If she is looking outside and i say what’s it – i get an answer you are spying on me. if she is in our bedroom and I come inside, she accuses that I am spying on her, that I am trying to see who she is watching through the window….we live in a cul-de-sac by the way and there is absolutely no one outside the whole day barring a few retirees.

    I want to leave right now. But feel bad that i will be leaving her in a lurch. I am helping her I know I am and I also know it will never be good enough for her no matter what I do, there will be something left out which I did not think about and should have because ‘she does so’..again complete fabrication.

    I believe in law of karma and that God has put me in this situation to iron out my karmas of the past lives and it is a test for me to improve. But God really, I am getting very tired of all these tests. Please let me go.


    • Not Proud
      December 26, 2016 at 5:36 pm

      Simran, although we have never met – and i am on the other side of the words – I hear you lud and clear. You are not alone here, that’s for sure. I walk on a floor of eggshells here and base my whole existance on not pissing my wife off for the tantrum, lecture and criticism. I found what Dr. T wrote below – and think this is someting that might help you:

      You’d be better off spending your time and money on therap that helps you figure out why you’re willing to tolerate such crap behavior and call it love.
      Kind Regards,
      Dr Tara

      Again, it might help, it might not – but I am so so sorry you are living your life like this. Please stay in touch, you are not alone brother.

      • Simran
        December 26, 2016 at 11:34 pm

        Thanks Matey. I will investigate therapists here and try to get some help. I cannot talk to any mates as for one, i haven’t been left with any since she disapproves of them all for one reason or the other and secondly, it makes me feel inadequate as they all seem to have happy married life. I cannot talk to my dad since he is 89 and don’t want to emotionally burden him. Poor man will take the blame on himself, Cannot talk to children since they don’t know or don’t want to know who is right or wrong. I never thought of therapist but now I am seriously considering that. I tried counselling but that didn’t work.

  8. P
    December 24, 2016 at 9:22 pm

    I wish I read this years ago. This has gone on for me for far too long. My friends see it, my psychologist sees it, I see it but I couldn’t do anything about it. I tried to end things last year but got suckered back into it. I’ve been looking for strength and affirmation and everything I see and feel is written right here. Things are not all right and I’m tired of feeling like both the victim and the villain. It’s never her. I need to do more, care more, love her more; it’s never enough. I hate being punished when I fall short of ever higher expectations. She blames her childhood for the way she is and refuses to change because she loves me and refuses to see how she hurts me. I just want to be me and care for someone the way I know how. To naturally feel love for someone and not feel this obligatory required to show X amount of love and Y amount of care. I want to be good enough.

  9. Steve Neigut
    December 23, 2016 at 12:48 am

    Hi I’d like to request a call from you. I think a Skype session with you could help me and my girlfriend have a better understanding of the problems that are holding us back

    • shrink4men
      December 26, 2016 at 9:44 pm


      If you’d like to work with me individually, please contact me at shrink4men@gmail.com.

  10. December 21, 2016 at 8:55 pm

    I wish my pregnant girlfriend wasnt like the things stated in the above article. She says it’s because of the pregnacy and that after it will get better. But being real she was like that before I got her pregnant… Dont know what to do guys, I’am hopelessly in love with this girl and it feels like my heart, mind, body and soul is being eaten alive.

    • shrink4men
      December 21, 2016 at 9:44 pm

      Consult with a family law attorney. If you have any doubt the child is your, have a paternity test. You’ll also want to find out your rights as a father. If you are the father, expect her to use the child as both a hostage and a weapon.

    • Simran
      December 26, 2016 at 4:28 am

      You are in bad situation. I was the same. In my case, she did not improve after pregnancy but actually got worse. I left home a couple of times but came back because I didn’t want to be a dead-beat dad who left his new born son. its been 19 years since then and I am not sure if I did the right thing by staying. I am trying to get out now.

  11. Jose
    December 21, 2016 at 7:03 am

    My wife always does these things I just read but she’s to the point that she wants to hurt her self what can I do to get her help

    • shrink4men
      December 21, 2016 at 4:32 pm

      If she’s threatening suicide call 911 or the equivalent emergency services in your country if outside the US.

  12. Nic
    December 19, 2016 at 6:43 am

    This thread feels like a quiet pub session with all the guys swapping war stories hah.

    Yeah I’m still kinda confused with where I’m at personally with my partner. I wont pile all the blame on her, I’m not perfect, but I don’t think I’m this bad person that gives her reason to act the way she does.

    We hooked up and it was all fireworks and great. We went travelling and I got a job overseas so we set out on that adventure. On the way there we got pregnant so that kind of put a spanner in the works (if I’m even allowed to say that).

    We returned to our country of origin and I got my old job back (which I wasn’t enthralled about initially). As the baby was approaching being born I got a big promotion which was awesome for my career, but required me to put in a great deal more effort and time. I was pretty fatigued all the time and working very long hours. The baby came and shes amazing. I love her and would do anything for her.

    There were warning signs early on with my partner. I wanted to have a night off one night and be by myself, and she took this very personally. Shes constantly worried I’m having an affair, and cites that she just wouldn’t know which justifies her paranoia. I’ve cut myself off from ex girlfriends cause its not worth the drama. We’re both pretty different but I compromise a great deal to ensure she has her time and space for whatever she wants and needs, but when I come home to spend limited time awake before bed I’m expected to clean the house and spend my time with her. I value my time and am trying to do some study.

    The fights have got very intense over the years, lots of threats to leave and like others here I wish she would or I could, but my daughter means the world to me and I couldn’t handle not seeing her. Shes young and all but I know she picks up on her mothers rage and the fact shes yelling at me all the time, making snide remarks about the shit job I’ve done on something, or that her life is so shit. Shes constantly on at me about money but the fact is there is nothing to spare.

    I’ve tried to tell her we’re both suffering from the environment we’re in, that it’ll get easier (I recently got a big pay rise), but there’s just always something. I find myself apologizing a lot, and if she were do it just once itd go a long way to making the relationship more even, but shes so stubborn. I resent her for slowly turning me into a little bitch. I’ve remained pretty strong but am running out of patience with her.

    I hope we can make it to a point where I can afford couples counselling, but I think shes in for a rude awakening when she has it pointed out to her that I’m not actually a bad guy.

    • shrink4men
      December 19, 2016 at 1:32 pm


      I wouldn’t pin your hopes on couples counseling. First, most couple counselors don’t assign blame. Second, there’s an extreme female bias in mental health. Typically, the man is assumed to be the problem and treated as such until you can prove otherwise, which could take weeks, months or years. Then, by the time the counselor figures it out and starts holding the woman accountable, she ends therapy. If your girlfriend won’t own up to her behaviors on her own it’s doubtful a counselor will accomplish that. You’d be better off spending your time and money on therapy that helps you figure out why you’re willing to tolerate such crap behavior and call it love.

      Kind Regards,
      Dr Tara

      • Not Proud
        December 25, 2016 at 10:00 pm

        You’d be better off spending your time and money on therap that helps you figure out why you’re willing to tolerate such crap behavior and call it love.
        Kind Regards,
        Dr Tara

        I think this is something that I should do – but it’s somewhat hard to find a therapist and bluurt this out. Can you share any examples of why men or women tolerate crap behavior? If so, I am all ears and want to figure this out. Thank you!

        • shrink4men
          December 26, 2016 at 5:09 pm

          It usually goes back to childhood conditioning. Social programming can be a factor, too.

          • Not Proud
            December 26, 2016 at 9:10 pm

            Thanks for answering this – I went to 6 years of Catholic grade school while everyone else on my street went ot public school. I thought that made me odd, but now I think my parents cared enough for me to send me to a private school. Hmmm so much to think about here – social conditioning too.

  13. malachmilliner
    December 7, 2016 at 2:47 pm

    I feel the same abusive relationship with my wife. .. I live here with her and she has no one in london. She promise to leave me when she gets her papers. I just really want her to go.

  14. GT
    December 7, 2016 at 11:40 am

    I associate with this article completely. What worries me after 20 years is I feel I have become that person. Unfortunately, I feel tied in now. I now longer speak to any of my family and I’ve lost all my friends. I can’t even pick a piece of furniture I like without it being ridiculed and placed in the garage. Mind you, I have found that if I say I really do not like something (when I really do), or I really don’t find this film funny (when I really do), then my wife starts to really like it! I feel to old and alone to move on, but I would advise younger men to read this and avoid the misery, high blood pressure and low self esteem that such behaviour can curse you with.

  15. Simon
    November 24, 2016 at 4:58 pm

    Hi..I’ve come across this site, probably like most searching for salvation, to make sense of the crazy. I never realised i was being ‘abused’ until I read this site, I did know something wasn’t right. I realise I’ve been the victim of repeated gas lighting, of being controlled to the point of not being ‘allowed’ house keys because she was worried I’d leave her whilst she was out. Bearing in mind at that time, I had no job or vehicle and we lived relatively remotely. Not sure where she thought I’d go I’m sure. The name calling, the immature attacks on my ‘manhood’ ..the incessant and constant silent treatment that would initially last for days, but has increased to months and months…the longest spell being 4 months….and me left wondering what on earth happened. We’ve been together on/off for 4.5 years, and it’s always been the same, i just never understood whats going on. I’m currently prescribed anti-depressants by my doctor, off work with stress….i am empty..i am sad..upset…confused….and just a shadow of my normally happy…witty..funny self. I hate how I feel. Yet, crazy would have her harem believe that actually…I am the villain. I hope this gets better soon. Thank you for the site x.

  16. Rolando ceballos
    November 22, 2016 at 10:20 pm

    I need you help

  17. drk
    November 22, 2016 at 9:05 pm

    Dude, get yourself a Harley Davidson and ride like the wind. Get away from that b-tch and get with the Bro’s like I did. There aren’t any Harley’s parked at the therapists office (unless it’s the Doc) and the only medication you need is a good long bike run. Who knows you might meet a nice Biker lady on the way! My nasty b-tch cooled her jets when I got my scooter and other girls showed interest. I’m still riding and it’s the BEST therapy ever. And bring your kid with you and see how much fun you have! Man up and get you a bike. Happier with my Hog!!

  18. Hurt to the core
    November 22, 2016 at 3:06 pm

    My wife and I have been married 11 years now together going on 17 years.before kids and marriage (we have 3 kids together)i cheated and was caught red handed,she decided to stay with me and all was well for 9 years of course like all relationships ups and downs well i lost my job and it all began,i don’t do enough around the house and i don’t parent like she does and I’m not patient with the kids and if I say i am then she goes down a list of things that are wrong with me and how to fix them we are an interacal couple and her names have been derogatory and comments very hurtful when i would tell her how it feels she would bring up how I’m a cheat and a lie to shut me up and get her way to a point we got physical in the midst of nose to nose argument she pushed me so i pushed back and she began to fall and pulled me with her my weight came down on her ankle and it broke now im a abuser and i tryed to break it she says we talk she heals and things seem to get better untill her friends started telling her that i dont do enough and how much their men do for the and places they are taken (they have no kids ) well long story short she still calls me names puts me down in front of the kids and withholds sex ,tells me how she want another man to sweep her off her feet and how much she wants out i try all kinds of things to make her happy but nothing works and when I point out her wrongdoings she hangs her ankle and when I cheated over my head thats not fair but when i tel her she is wrong it just gets worse i love her and i stay at home and don’t go out i dropped all my friends to provethat i dont cheat i give her my pay checks and all my cash so thers no spending on anyone else my family has all had arguments with her so i dont talk to them and still im a lie a cheat and abusive now she telles the kids i dont love them because everytime i parent she steps in to correct me while putting me down so i now steer clear of it in fear i will get yelled at but that only helps her place more blame on me and it hurts i read the blog out loud and it is her to a tee and she got so pissed she says she and my kids wont be here when I get off work so 17 years 3 kids and i do love her she was 18 when we meet and i was 20 and she moved in with me within 2 months of dating what should i do

  19. Not Proud
    November 19, 2016 at 12:07 am

    I was searching the internet and found this site – and have been glued to response after response of men in the same situation with me. My wife is a 10 out of 10 on this scale – and I am the one who put myself in this situation. I am having trouble getting out.

    At first, the attraction was unbelievable, the male/female dance was incredible, and the sex was the hottest ever. That hooked me in – and to this day I think she is one of the most beautiful women in the world…..on the outside.

    However, the veneer has worn away over time (we have been married 7 years and have been together for 12). On the inside – she is completely self involved – and I am dead. I am worn out, and I have lost my soul – from the constant drama, neuroses, arguments, her endless talk about herself and her career, child like tantrums, and worst of all – the endless comments and criticism of me. She thinks I need to toughen up – I am 59 and that is not going to happen. I would never think of saying the things she does, or heaping the amount of criticism on her. I am on depression medication – and that also affects my sex drive – and that is another huge complaint from her – that we are not intimate. I don’t know if its the meds, or the mounds of criticism through the years that have added up to this – but I can’t go there.

    Don’t get me wrong – we are both educated, professional people. She has her Ph.D in psychology – how ironic is that. She is not a raving maniac at all in public, as a matter of fact she is charming and cute. Its at home, which is carpeted with an egg shell floor, where I have allowed myself to be tortured. I edit my life, and plan my life around anything that will piss her off – and that is the truth. I have totally edited my life and friends.

    She told me her previous boyfriend was a narcissist, and that he said she acted like a child. (I should have paid attention to this) She used to tell me , when we were long distance dating, “that she needed me” when we said goodbye at the airport. I really thought she meant that she really loved me and needed me in her life. I fell for that hook, line and sinker. What I didn’t have the eyes to see – is that she really does needs me – to become her slave, her errand boy, her employee – to do her bidding, and attend to the bottomless pit of requests that will never end.

    I have given an incredible amount of my life, effort, money and more for the betterment of her, her charity program, her son, and also putting up with the ex husband who hung around like a schmuck. I am also known (and proud) to be a “nice guy.” Of the massive amount that I have devoted to her – there is no offer of anything in return. Nothing, it’s all about what I can do for her. And at the end of the work day I always ask – how was your day? She goes on a monologue about her day and goes on and on and on and on and on. And rarely ever, even after she has finished, and there is silence – does she ask about my day or my life. There is simply no interest. And no matter what mountain that I have moved for her, it all doesn’t matter. It is what can you do for me now,

    I have been slowing losing my soul with “death from a thousand cuts” – her criticism, moods, yelling, throwing things, and constant constant constant self talk are beyond description. No matter what, I have allowed myself to become a whipped dog. I am a husband to be wheeled out to show her colleagues that she is not alone. I am not proud of this either.

    I have sought out a counselor – as I do not want to walk out and leave without explaining why. We have been seeing this counselor for three years – and it still drags on.

    The criticism alone is in every single phase of my life. From my job, my daughter, my past career, what I eat, or don’t eat, how I do anything…. even to the point that she has has criticized when I am asleep. Yes, she complains that I “breathe” when I sleep. I honestly don’t snore, but I am a large man 6’2” and 225 pounds, and everything I do is large, including breathing. She criticizes that I turn over in bed (I turn because I am rarely allowed to sleep on my back in peace) and she even criticizes the time that I wake up. I honestly can’t get away from the constant comments. It drains my soul after a while. She says that she doesn’t get a good night’s sleep because of me. She also says she hears everything at night and is hyper vigilant. Doesn’t matter that we live in a nice neighborhood, I have a security system armed, 5 HD security cameras, a video doorbell, and a dog on premises – but she has to be hyper vigilant.

    It are things like these that make me want to do the Woody Allen – turn to the camera and speak – “am I crazy or is this odd to you?”

    And don’t get me wrong, I am not a weak man, far from it. I am fully capable of standing up for myself and have run businesses, have been president of organizations, and make a great living. In actuality, she is just about half my size physically

    Instead of giving it right back to her, arguing every minor point, and standing up for myself – which would take more energy than I could ever expend, I silently give a nod or mutter some response. Anything to get me out of the constant confrontation. I have no need to waste me time on the constant drama and have want peace and quiet in my life.

    After reading the above article recently, I highlighted most of the text and it really hit me what I am involved in. An emotional bully. Ok, as a man that is tough for me to say – but she is a narcissist and a bully. Yes, she has called me “too sensitive” – to which I have no reply but to say this is who I am.

    The other day I finally blew up at another one of her “you should have done this” comments of where I didn’t make her happy. She has a standard in her head that is not known to me or the world. It’s impossible to win. Who knows, perhaps it was the article above, or the mound of resentment I have inside – that came to the point that I told her to get out.

    She is shocked and honestly doesn’t think she has done anything wrong. I really believe her – she thinks what she is doing is normal. I have yet to pull out the laundry list and tell her why I blew up – am and exhausting all efforts to avoid this for the holiday.

    Fortunately we don’t have kids together, but we did buy a house together. I love the house, I was the one who put down the down payment (she said she didn’t want to go into her investments – but insisted that her name be first on the mortgage – talk about an ego).

I will always love her – but am working to love her from a distance. Actually I will love the parts of there that I thought was what I married – for a peaceful, calm, loving and supportive marriage. Not one of constant stress, walking on egg shells, and still wondering what’s wrong with breathing while sleeping….

    Are these actions normal or am I crazy? I still haven’t said I want a divorce – mostly because of what other people will think. But you know, sometimes the pain of being together outweighs that.

    • Simran
      December 26, 2016 at 6:50 am

      Go mate, leave. NOW. I am in a similar position but hanging in there because my wife is recovering from surgery. I am an empty shell of myself. I used to be incredibly happy, and naive that nothing bad can happen to me….i only wished I had listened to people who told me what its going to be like…before my marriage and yet i went in.

  20. Jacob Mains
    November 15, 2016 at 4:33 am

    Thank you for your article! I am a man with an abusive wife to a tee! You described perfectly word for word both sides of your relationship! She makes me out to be the crazy one need help…well by now I do. Just the thought of waking up tomorrow makes me almost I’ll. If I’m in the elation ship or we split it’s going to be he’ll anyway. I wonder to myself at 39 years old…does she want me to off myself? I am really thinking there are people out there that desire to destroy others and take their soul.
    Jacob M

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