Home > Abusive relationships, Borderline Personality Disorder, Marriage, relationships > 10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully

10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully


mood-swingsDoes your girlfriend or wife yell, scream, and swear at you? Do you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about your relationship because they just wouldn’t understand? Is your relationship making you feel like you’re slowly going crazy?

If so, you’re probably involved with a woman who is an emotionally abusive bully. Most men don’t want to admit that they’re in an abusive relationship. They describe the relationship and their girlfriend/wife using other terms like crazy, emotional, controlling, bossy, domineering, constant conflict, or volatile. If you use words like this to describe your relationship, odds are you’re being emotionally abused.

Do you recognize any of the following behaviors?

1) Bullying. If she doesn’t get her way, there’s hell to pay. She wants to control you and resorts to emotional intimidation to do it. She uses verbal assaults and threats in order to get you to do what she wants. It makes her feel powerful to make you feel bad. People with a Narcissistic personality are often bullies.

Result: You lose your self-respect and feel outnumbered, sad, and alone. You develop a case of Stockholm Syndrome, in which you identify with the aggressor and actually defend her behavior to others.

2) Unreasonable expectations. No matter how hard you try and how much you give, it’s never enough. She expects you to drop whatever you’re doing and attend to her needs. No matter the inconvenience, she comes first. She has an endless list of demands that no one mere mortal could ever fulfill.

Common complaints include: You’re not romantic enough, you don’t spend enough time with me, you’re not sensitive enough, you’re not smart enough to figure out my needs, you’re not making enough money, you’re not FILL IN THE BLANK enough. Basically, you’re not enough, because there’s no pleasing this woman. No one will ever be enough for her, so don’t take it to heart.

Result: You’re constantly criticized because you’re not able to meet her needs and experience a sense of learned helplessness. You feel powerless and defeated because she puts you in no-win situations.

3) Verbal attacks.This is self-explanatory. She employs schoolyard name calling, pathologizing (e.g., armed with a superficial knowledge of psychology she uses diagnostic terms like labile, paranoid, narcissistic, etc. for a 50-cent version of name calling), criticizing, threatening, screaming, yelling, swearing, sarcasm, humiliation, exaggerating your flaws, and making fun of you in front of others, including your children and other people she’s not intimidated by. Verbal assault is another form of bullying, and bullies only act like this in front of those whom they don’t fear or people who let them get away with their bad behavior.

Result: Your self-confidence and sense of self-worth all but disappear. You may even begin to believe the horrible things she says to you.

4) Gaslighting. “I didn’t do that. I didn’t say that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. It wasn’t that bad. You’re imagining things. Stop making things up.” If the woman you’re involved with is prone to Borderline or Narcissistic rage episodes, in which she spirals into outer orbit, she may very well not remember things she’s said and done. However, don’t doubt your perception and memory of events. They happened and they are that bad.

Result: Her gaslighting behavior may cause you to doubt your own sanity. It’s crazy-making behavior that leaves you feeling confused, bewildered, and helpless.

5) Unpredictable responses. Round and round and round she goes. Where she’ll stop, nobody knows. She reacts differently to you on different days or at different times. For example, on Monday, it’s ok for you to Blackberry work email in front of her. On Wednesday, the same behavior is “disrespectful, insensitive, you don’t love me, you’re a self-important jerk, you’re a workaholic.” By Friday, it could be okay for you to Blackberry again.

Telling you one day that something’s alright and the next day that it’s not is emotionally abusive behavior. It’s like walking through a landmine in which the mines shift location.

Result: You’re constantly on edge, walking on eggshells, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is a trauma response. You’re being traumatized by her behavior. Because you can’t predict her responses, you become hypervigilant to any change in her mood or potential outburst, which leaves you in a perpetual state of anxiety and possibly fear. It’s a healthy sign to be afraid of this behavior. It’s scary. Don’t feel ashamed to admit it.

6) Constant Chaos. She’s addicted to conflict. She gets a charge from the adrenaline and drama. She may deliberately start arguments and conflict as a way to avoid intimacy, to avoid being called on her bullshit, to avoid feeling inferior or, bewilderingly, as an attempt to avoid being abandoned. She may also pick fights to keep you engaged or as a way to get you to react to her with hostility, so that she can accuse you of being abusive and she can play the victim. This maneuver is a defense mechanism called projective identification.

Result: You become emotionally punch drunk. You’re left feeling dazed and confused, not knowing which end is up. This is highly stressful because it also requires you to be hypervigilant and in a constant state of defense for incoming attacks.

7) Emotional Blackmail. She threatens to abandon you, to end the relationship, or give you the cold shoulder if you don’t play by her rules. She plays on your fears, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, shame, values, sympathy, compassion, and other “buttons” to control you and get what she wants.

Result: You feel manipulated, used, and controlled.

8 Rejection. She ignores you, won’t look at you when you’re in the same room, gives you the cold shoulder, withholds affection, withholds sex, declines or puts down your ideas, invitations, suggestions, and pushes you away when you try to be close. After she pushes you as hard and as far away as she can, she’ll try to be affectionate with you. You’re still hurting from her previous rebuff or attack and don’t respond. Then she accuses you of being cold and rejecting, which she’ll use as an excuse to push you away again in the future.

Result: You feel undesirable, unwanted, and unlovable. You believe no one else would want you and cling to this abusive woman, grateful for whatever scraps of infrequent affection she shows you.

9) Withholding affection and sex. This is another form of rejection and emotional blackmail. It’s not just about sex, it’s about withholding physical, psychological, and emotional nurturing. It includes a lack of interest in what’s important to you–your job, family, friends, hobbies, activities–and being uninvolved, emotionally detached or shut down with you.

Result: You have a transactional relationship in which you have to perform tasks, buy her things, “be nice to her,” or give into her demands in order to receive love and affection from her. You don’t feel loved and appreciated for who you are, but for what you do for her or buy her.

10) Isolating. She demands or acts in ways that cause you to distance yourself from your family, friends, or anyone that would be concerned for your well-being or a source of support. This typically involves verbally trashing your friends and family, being overtly hostile to your family and friends, or acting out and starting arguments in front of others to make it as unpleasant as possible for them to be around the two of you.

Result: This makes you completely dependent upon her. She takes away your outside sources of support and/or controls the amount of interaction you have with them. You’re left feeling trapped and alone, afraid to tell anyone what really goes on in your relationship because you don’t think they’ll believe you.

You don’t have to accept emotional abuse in your relationship. You can get help or you can end it. Most emotionally abusive women don’t want help. They don’t think they need it. They are the professional victims, bullies, narcissists, and borderlines. They’re abusive personality types and don’t know any other way to act in relationships.

Life is too short to spend one more second in this kind of relationship. If your partner won’t admit she has a problem and agree to get help, real help, then it’s in your best interest to get support, get out, and stay out.

by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

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Mood swings on ccmbuzz.

  1. Francisco V
    August 11, 2017 at 4:37 am

    Thanks a lot for the article Dr. Tara, it has been so enlightening! I have just finished a relotions hip for the third time and was starting to feel bad about her. Reading you has shown me in which situation I really am, and I don’t want ever to go back to that. Thanks.

  2. Bob
    August 3, 2017 at 8:08 pm

    I have been married for 11 years. We have 2 boy’s 10 and 9. My wife is from the Middle East. We never dated. Just online chats. I went to visit her. I asked her to marry me. 6 months later
    we were married. It was really important to her to get her citizenship right away.

    I am far from perfect but I go out everyday and do the best i can to provide for my Family. I guess I would be considered part of the working poor. I do make sure that family never goes without. I am a loving Husband and Father. I am a very involved Father. I take care of myself physically as well.

    I have to say that my Wife is every one of these points. We have not been intimate since my second boy was born. She turns her head when i try to kiss her. She wont hug me or even hold my hand.

    She constantly demeans me and puts me down. She went to see her Family over the summer. 2 months.with the boys. To tell you the truth I wasn’t confident that she would return. As she constantly threatens to leave me.

    She always puts down our home. She calls it a hole. We actually live in a very affluent neighborhood but our house does need work. It is far from a hole. She tells me the only reason she is here is for the boys.

    During that time alone I remodeled the kitchen myself to the best of my abilities and finances. I painted, transformed the counters and worked on the floor. I didn’t get completely finished because of items being back ordered.

    She never thanked me for anything. i worked so hard trying to make things nice for her. I bought a Keurig coffee maker, a new knife set, other utensils as well. I had fresh flowers all over the house. She just puts me down. She calls me an idiot. That I can’t think for myself. That I do not have any savings for the boys. That I can’t put them through college. etc etc.

    There have been times where she has brought me to tears. I have locked myself in the bathroom. Another concern is that my boys observe this behavior. I will try to kiss her and she turns away. She abuses my verbally in front of them as well. She attempts to intimidate me. She likes the idea that i am scared of her. I am not!

    I am in a difficult position because If I asked for a divorce I am afraid that she would take my boys away from me. I have brought up counseling or seeing our Priest but she is not interested.

    I don’t know what to do.

  3. Joe
    July 30, 2017 at 6:24 pm

    Thank you for writing this article. It’s hard to notice these things on your own. Having an actual list to review helped me look at things non objectively and realize that I in fact have been dealing with an abusive SO.

  4. Ben
    July 22, 2017 at 8:36 pm

    Great article, i can relate to this so much, has really helped.

  5. Dave.
    July 20, 2017 at 9:10 pm

    It’s so sad, I’m in same boat as you guys, frightened to open my mouth, wandering what critism is coming next, it’s awful. I make a cup of tea, it’s to weak, it’s to strong, I’m don’t care about her, I’m not romantic , I pay every damn Bill in the house, we go out for a meal at least once a week, I regularly buy her flowers. If I don’t hang a towel in a particular way in the bathroom, or splash water on a unit next to the sink and don’t wipe it off, (generally I do ) then 3rd world war starts , it may be at the end of the day and she will hut he with such things soon as i walk through the door. Here’s the kicker my daughter’s bedroom is a bloody disgrace.

  6. Brian
    July 11, 2017 at 6:00 pm

    Omg, you have described my wife exactly. She has just this week threatened to leave because she is in an abusive relationship with me, I need to change or else. I really dont know what to do, I love her but she is slowly killing my love for her. It my sound silly but I’m scared of being on my own but I known I would be better off, I could restart friendships that I’ve had to end because of her.

  7. July 8, 2017 at 12:01 am

    Sir
    I am facing every situation you have discussed here. They have great value in my life. I want to get more advice.

  8. Bruce
    July 7, 2017 at 11:56 am

    Wow this truly brings light too my marriage. My wife is everything that this talks about some
    more then others. I won’t say it’s a day to day deal. And to be honest I’m in the military and i day dream often about what I would do and have if I was a single soldier. I know some might say her abuse can be fix with counseling. That could be an option but then again I also feel inside that I don’t even wanna put in the effort to try and make this work. So with that I’m going to speak with a counsellor and find out what they say about all this.

  9. Steven Elliott
    July 7, 2017 at 5:57 am

    First off, I’m the husband, I read this article and started crying because this is EXACTLY my wife, it’s like you put her personality into words. I have been married 7 going on 8 years and this is how it’s been for a long time I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know what to do. She will NOT take anyone’s advice cause you will automatically be in the wrong and she’ll pile the blame on me. She’s all but alienated me and my son’s from my parents, always calling me stupid and rejecting me when I try to be close. This probably won’t ever be read but it feels a little better just to write it down. Thanks

    • Brian
      July 11, 2017 at 6:01 pm

      I had the same reaction as you, it hurts to think someone you love can treat you like this, we deserve better.

  10. Ray
    July 6, 2017 at 5:29 pm

    Just incredibly insightful and spot on. I’m emotional drained from being bullied and for nothing. I work my ass off, I do everything for my family and i dote on my 2 precious girls. I have no vices like gambling or drinking and I want is respect and support. This nailed it! I try so hard even in the heat of battle to withhold my provoked anger. Unnecessary and I get blamed for everything wrong. I’m tired, I do everything for my girls projects, reading, walks, playing…I’m a damn good daddy and I compliment my wife all the time-nothing. Get away from me!
    Whatever, I’m a good looking 43 year old dad who is caring and honest but fixes shit and works with his hands. She’s lost her damn mind.

    Thank you so much.

  11. Steve Ingram
    July 5, 2017 at 5:32 am

    Thank you for this, thought it was me… after I read this I’m in lighted. I also know that I need to change my whole way of thinking in my marriage not just for me but for my 12 year old daughter as well. I now know how to deal with my wife better but my daughter doesn’t care about doing anything except staying out of her way. She hates my wife pretty bad. I’m hoping that some day i can say the right things that will make my wife get help. At this point she’s not even close.

  12. Rob
    July 4, 2017 at 9:36 pm

    out of a 3 year relationship with my ex fiance. struggling to move on with my life. this article was a wake up call for me… she did literally every single one of these at some point in our relationship. thank you for writing this i truly feel like this is something more people should see.

  13. Kevin
    July 1, 2017 at 11:03 pm

    Thank up for the support from those who responded to me and your thoughts and prayers. I am very shattered and second and third guessing nearly everything about myself. I was able to get in contact with my ex’s sisters exboyfriemd and we had a long long chat today. It helped a lot. Her family is so incredibly toxic but they are trained not to appear that way. However he has recovered from what he went through being with my ex’s sister who is by far worse than my ex.

    My ex is torn between my world of realness compassion a love of life and care free spirit vs the country club socialite wannabe political toxic liberal self absorb the family she comes from. This is what makes it so hard because I tried so damn hard to show her a better life. It would be a lot easier if my ex was just an outright super self centered person rather than a wolf in sheepskin clothing.

    It’s really screwed me up and I don’t know how to build back up.

  14. Kevin
    July 1, 2017 at 7:39 am

    Okay everyone…and anyone who will listen. I have been coming to this website for 1 1/2 years now. I am lost and near suicidal. My fiancée left me two weeks ago and in all honesty if I was looking at this from an outside perspective I would be jumping for joy.

    But I’m not. Im truly a broken man. I have so many people telling me what an incredible person I am, I am generous, have a huge huge heart, children love me, I can inspire crowds of people, never had a problem gaining the attention of women. I am highly intelligent. I love with all my heart like a real man should. I am very supportive. I am successful and not only own a vineyard but I am a consultant in the premier wine country of Sonoma county California. I have a solid and huge reputation for being honest and genuine, dedicated and hard working, and conscientious and thoughtful. I counsel drug addicts and can talk people out of ending their lives. People say I am one of the strongest people they know. But I can’t see any of it.

    I’m truly broken. Spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I thought I could “save” my fiancée. I thought I could help her. She has a judge for a dad, a lawyer mother, and a lawyer sister, and they have conditioned her to be a self absorbed tyrant in sheeps clothing. So many people think she is a gem. But that is because she is so good at faking it. Her mom is bipolar and my friends and family think she is as well. And my heart can’t see it in fact my heart is so very deeply stuck on her. She is an alcoholic and I have helped her get sober not once but twice.

    There isn’t enough room to write it all. I don’t think I could find enough space to do so. But I ha e lost count at how many times she has torn me down and made me think I brought it out of her. There is nothing sacred that I have that she hasn’t torn apart. She has abused the living hell out of me mentally, emotionally, and physically. She has moments of clarity and remorse that fade away as fast as they come. She has begged me to forgive and trust her, only to dump me off when I tried to heal. I don’t know what to do and my behavior as of the last two weeks is nearly inhuman. I can’t sleep I can’t work and I can’t function at all. I think I am experiencing major trauma response.

    Does anyone know how to heal from this and if it is even possible? Right now I feel as if there existed 100% broken, I am that. I am so close to ending my life because in all honesty I am fearful of everything, especially this notion that I will never heal or be able to find real love again. I fear that my heart will never mend and I will be left shattered. I have never had a woman in my life like this one.

    I want to die. Please help….anyone.

    • Jayson
      July 1, 2017 at 2:05 pm

      Do you have kids? I assume you don’t since they weren’t mentioned. That simplifies your situation immensely. What i did was focus on myself and getting myself in a better position so that i didn’t need her. I finished my bachelor’s, got a good job in IT at a healthcare company, etc. I am still trying to close my way out but since i have kids it is much more difficult. You sound like you are already there. The next step is to cut off all ties. Block her calls and texts so that you don’t answer in a moment of weakness. Get back out into the world. You live in a beautiful place i could only dream of living. What i would give to have the money to buy a vineyard there. Remember that the world is a beautiful place, especially where you live. Pick a hobby and join a group to meet some people. Try Meetup.com and go kayaking or something. This will help you get what you really need which is time.

    • shrink4men
      July 1, 2017 at 3:07 pm

      Please seek help offline for the depression. You will heal and move past this. Get some qualified help to do so.

    • D
      July 1, 2017 at 3:16 pm

      Well, first of all NO person is worth taking your own life over…second you don’t see what others see in you because you’re humble unlike your ex fiancée. She left so did her abuse and good riddance! You speak of her parents being a judge and lawyer, every person I’ve met in that career field including select doctors ALL are as you described. “I’m well educated (it’s always assumed that you’re not), therefore I know more than you which makes me better than you.” It’s not entirely their intelligence that got them that far, but the money…pure evil. Why would you want to cling onto someone or something who makes you feel like a huge bottomless mud pit? She’s gone, her problems of alcohol abuse, her abuse towards you…it’s all gone! There’s a good woman out there looking for someone like you. Search yourself and put yourself back together to the you before her, even if it means counseling.

      • Kevin
        July 6, 2017 at 8:27 am

        Thank you for responding. It’s been rough. One minute I feel little glimpses of myself and then theyre gone as fast as they come. I’ve always thought of myself as one that loves life and puts it out there like that. But and as my brother told me today, she has brainwashed me. I feel like she has me under some sort of spell. She even says that I am abusive and controlling. I’ve just given so much to her, so much so that I have lost myself. I have letters from her telling me how amazing I am and detailing how her emotional and physical abuse towards me has torn me apart. She talks about how I have become fearful and depressed because I have had to endure her wrath. But everyone knows me for my vibrant, sincere, and generous personality. She has apologized to my mom on more than one occasion for what she has done to me.

        Yet somehow she says I am abusive and controlling. When I chat with her sisters ex boyfriend he assures me I am not any of those things and that it is a manifestation of her delusional toxic family. Somehow she has me believing that I am these things but when I ask her to help me understand the things I have done she avoids it. If anything my behavior is mostly defensive. She even tells me that I won’t let her drink or have friends. I have encouraged her to maintain her friends and the drinking….I’ve helped her get sober twice. The second time she almost died. I feel so lost and spineless because I would do anything to be with the healthy version of her. I have become highly codependent I think which would explain why I can’t stop wanting her back. What kind of girl asks their families fiancée for a bigger diamond after he proposes to her??

        I’ve had to record her “monologues” on my phone voice recorder and when I play them for friends or family, even my therapist, they all say the same thing. That she talks to me like I’m 5 years old and talks down to me. a few years ago she met a guy at a bar and hid it from me, I found out and she blamed me saying that it’s because of (whatever fill in the blank) that she didn’t tell me about him. I even told her early in the relationship that I had a few things I wouldn’t be ok with….like her meeting guys and not telling me about them. But she did and blamed me.

        Tonight on phone she cried and told me that she always wanted us to work. But then told me if that were to happen I would have to change and convince a lot of people that I would met be abusive and controlling. It has broken me down so far that I think there is something wrong with me.

        Please keep responding because I need to break out of this cycle. All my friends and family tell me she will one day realize that she lost the best thing that could have ever call me my way. Most people tell me that I am a one in a million guy and any women would be thrilled to be with me. Yet I feel so broke my and don’t believe anyone would want me. What the hell is wrong with me????

        • kitelady
          July 6, 2017 at 3:42 pm

          KEVIN! STOP talking to this psycho beast! Do NOT call her, do NOT answer her calls, do NOT email her or answer her emails. Block her on Facebook, Instagram, or whatever other social media apps you use!!! NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT!!!!

          NO CONTACT is a vital piece of your recovery. It is THE vital piece of your recovery from this abusive relationship. NO CONTACT.

          And, honestly, stop talking to mutual friends and acquaintances about the beast, as well. This is a topic for you and a therapist. Everyone else you speak to about the crazy woman and your relationship has an agenda which may not be in alignment with your best interest.

          • Kevin
            July 11, 2017 at 12:15 am

            Thank you kite lady. It’s been so rough on me that I finally checked myself into Kaiser for trauma treatment. Note to anyone going to do this-if you give them any hint that you might harm yourself they will have you change into a green jumpsuit, take your clothes, take your items, sit you in a room with cameras and a security guard and then have 5 people evaluate you to see if you are going to harm yourself or another person. I can honesty say that any guy on this forum will pass the test since we are all “nice guys”. But anyway. Another traumatic experience to go on top of the whole other trauma experience.

            Update. I’ve never felt such pain in my heart like this. Pain because I miss her and pain because I have become so week. I moved off my own ranch temporarily to give space and the fact that she is obsessed with the wine industry even though and I know for a fact that she “romanticizes” wine which is exactly what she talked about last time she was in rehab and that it was the biggest lie she like tell herself. All the reasons she gave me for why she is back to drinking she wrote down in her rehab book and indicated how they are all lies she makes up to justify. I hate my own vineyard and I hate my job as an adviser right now. I have to spend time in vineyards all day just thinking about how alcoholism has torn down every effort she made to change.

            Regardless of no contact there are painful reminders all around me. But I did go to get help from the psych department today so that’s a start.

    • Not Proud
      July 1, 2017 at 8:26 pm

      You are not alone, and have a bunch of friends here who understand what you are going through. I personally can understand how you are drained by this relationship. First off, you can not fix and addict or alcoholic, they have to do it themselves. You are responsible for taking care of you first and foremost. And I get it, as I am the quintessential “nice guy” who loves to help others. I also know that YOU deserve to respect yourself more, and do not need this woman as a source of love – because they way she is treating you is not loving. I have the upmost respect for your success, and know that based on that, you can keep walking one foot at a time away from this abuse. You deserve better – so take good care of yourself. You are not alone either – me and the hundreds of others are in our own type of hell, and we understand and care about you in a non-judgmental way. So keep posting and let us know how you are!

    • Kitelady
      July 1, 2017 at 8:46 pm

      No contact! Don’t talk to her, her family, or her friends.

      Get therapy! If you feel that you are going to harm yourself, call the suicide hotline immediately.
      https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

      Whatever advice you have given to a recovering addict, sit yourself down and give it to yourself.

      Time will heal but you have to allow yourself to have time and distance from your abuser.

      Take care of yourself. You have people who care about you and want to cheer and help you celebrate now that you are free.

    • phil burdick
      July 8, 2017 at 6:40 pm

      I would suggest that in addition to the helpful comments from Kitelady you get some serious rest, spend some time with people who care about you, maybe get some help as to why you were ever attracted to someone like this..

      Perhaps it was because you were deceived as to who she really is.

      Maybe subscribe to a website like Match.com just so you can read profiles of other women and realize there a lot of good people out there (and a fair share of nut cases as well).

      You don’t have to rush into another relationship.. you need time to heal… you don’t have to even date, just open your eyes to the world around you, see the potential and believe that you can and will find someone to share all the joy life has to offer and you are now free to do so…

      God still loves you

  15. June 11, 2017 at 12:30 pm

    Hi,
    I have read through some of the articles on this site and am surprised at the number of people who’s stories I can relate to.
    I recently split from a partner who I had been with for nearly 3 years. She was the same age as me, but had been previously married and had full time custody of her three boys. I have no kids, never been married, and this was my first experience of living in that step family type of environment… My first.., and last, as I hope to never have a relationship again.
    It was my first experience of emotional abuse, although I didn’t understand it at the time.
    During most of the relationship I was trying to make up to her for my short comings and mistakes, I didn’t ever earn enough money to even pay my own way. I didn’t support her or her kids emotionally, or put in sufficient effort to bond with them. I had no drive or ambition, or desire to provide them with a better future. I didn’t do any of the general duties, including cooking, cleaning, mowing the lawn etc. To top it all off I was emotionally abusive and a narcissist.
    That is how she described me to her friends and family. For some reason, they didn’t like me very much? and even one of her bff’s sent me a threatening message that her friends would come and sort me out.
    Obviously I didn’t realise that is what I was. I hadn’t been accused of any of those things before, and had somehow supported myself for over 15 years before I met her, and somehow got through my 34 years of life without realising I was such a bad person.
    All I could say was that I really never promised her anything, and sorry I couldn’t live up to her expectations.
    So we split. I of course had to move out and find a place. It took me a couple of months to save the bond for a place of my own, so in the meantime I slept in her garage and was treated with even more contempt for being there. I got home from work one Saturday to find the house was especially clean and there were no kids. I asked my ex where they were? She said that she told her dad we had been fighting and she wanted me to leave but I still hadn’t moved out, so her dad had rang they cops and they’re on their way over to evict me.
    So in another ‘first’ experience for me I explained to the cops that I would leave, but I just didn’t have anywhere else to go. I showed them that I was less than two weeks from having enough money saved to move. Because it was my home and I paid rent, they told her they couldn’t force me to leave immediately, and she had to allow me two weeks notice as a minimum anyway.
    So I moved out and got my own place, and cut all ties with her. I am still living here now. In the last 6 months of leaving her my self esteem has slowly returned. I am healthier, happier and am no longer accused of being a bad person, letting anyone down or hurting their kids. I am not a financial burden on anyone, and because its only me on the lease, am no longer in fear of being evicted.
    The only thing I miss is her kids. Her middle child has cerebral palsy, and is non-verbal. But even she admits he and I have an especially close connection. I feel that he bonded to me because I am more patient and I understand him better than his mum does. During the time I was living with them I took over assisting him with his daily showering and other personal care needs. She believed it was a ‘guy’ thing and as her son was entering puberty so he no longer wanted his mum helping him in the shower. So with no appreciation from her, I took it on as another thing I was ‘expected’ to do.
    The point of my rant is just that I hope someone might read this and It might help them earn some self respect back again.
    I honestly felt suicidely depressed about my inadequacy, and like I had hurt and was hurting so many people. It would have been a great benefit to me at the time if there was some kind of support available.
    I could continue to express the unfairness of the situation, and phenomena such as how I am actually earning less money now than I was when living with her, with more expenses, But am somehow financially better off and actually saving money each week. But I think I have made my point.

    • Simran
      July 8, 2017 at 1:15 pm

      I am deeply touched with your story. you did the right thing in moving out. i am planning that too for some time now as i have been on a yo-yo emotional roller coaster.

  16. Eric
    June 10, 2017 at 4:25 pm

    Wow I can’t believe that this is possible. I’m going through this everyday. I don’t know what to do

    • D
      July 1, 2017 at 3:24 pm

      Leave.

    • Simran
      July 8, 2017 at 1:24 pm

      i have been living this mental abuse for better part of nearly 30 years of marriage and am now so close to ending the relationship. It is almost in my grasp to open my wings once again and fly away. I am apprehensive that she might follow me and ingratiate me with ‘love and care’ and when i return…status quo. Leave now otherwise after sometime you like me will get desensitised to her abuse to some extent but still die a little everytime it happens

  17. john
    June 8, 2017 at 7:36 am

    I don’t know exactly how to even begin, i been reading all comments on this site for past 6 months and at first i could not believe that this is basically text book description of my now ex gf, worst part of it is that this was my first real relationship therefore i did not know what relationships are like which made me even more vulnerable to her and not seeing “red flags” but how could i, she was perfect at begging she was so much fun, she was everything i ever wanted, those persons are but it is all an act to get you hooked and once i was hooked her cracks started to show, she started to get jealous not on other girls but of my friends gf, and later it reached father and father to basically i could not be in company of other girls, cause they are all whores, while she only had guy friends and i should be okay with that since girls are all drama and she is not like that, witch i loved about her but wait she was even worse total drama queen, constant chaos, fights about everything, and it was usually something out of blue that i did not see coming, and since she was “perfect” at begging she hooked me into always trying to fix the random situation to get that perfect love back, witch in the end nobody could do, in trying to fix it she would have crazy outbursts where she would basically bash me to the ground, cause she would threaten to leave me, and she distanced me from my friends, i did not go home for like 4-5 months, she gets you into the hole where u can not even talk about it to anybody since u don not have anybody, and we are men at least me don’t talk about emotions, so many dramas , so many fights, god knows about what, i sure don’t know, but the big thing was that she was insecure and watching any kind of porn, or random pictures of pretty girls on facebook or anything at all, and in my insanity to please this hungry monster i deleted all my social profiles instagram, facebook, but i still continued watching porn from time to time, hence chaos again, and i said to her that if that is the problem i am gonna fix it, cause u know to them it is always and i mean always something you need to fix, they are always right, guess what that did not change a thing, still random outbursts happened, and notice the pattern where they are never wrong and they do not admit, apologize, worst part is that there is still some part left in you that knows this is wrong and to anybody that reads this get out now. Once she saw my history on my computer where i was searching site that was something like this one, and she read it and she said her self that that is her, but guess what nothing changed nothing. Now comes the worst part, since persons like her are obsessed with control,control.. they always must know what u are doing,i was going to visit my sister for a month and at our goodbye she cried was really emotional and i thought she really loves me, took a week to start dramas to start again and i found out that she installed monitoring program to SPY on me, wanna know worst part , i forgave her even though she lied to my face she did not installed and later admited that she did, than i took best advice no contact.I wanna thank who ever made this post cause i believe i am the one of lucky ones who didn’t marry her and have children cause she destroyed me to the point of my having ticks 24/7 in my leg, sometimes forehead. I am happy i got out of that hell, thing i want since i am depressed and cant concentrate for shiit, is for some advice how to move on working on my self to become better person since i am not doing that well. and i wanna thank anybody who commented. ps 1/10th of story…she would yell, destroy plates and glasses, even got hit with an elbow once when i tried to apologize, i was so blind…… not proud.

  18. Paul Rowley
    May 30, 2017 at 1:22 am

    I can completely relate to this. I seem to spend a good part of my day planning and trying (in vein) to think outside the square of ANYTHING that may annoy her to avoid the barrage of verbal abuse we suffer daily. As many men her would say, it seems pointless as they ALWAYS will find something..anything.. to use as an excuse to berate you. My partner just returned from a week overseas on a girlfriends pampering break and the complete change in the household while she was away was incredible. My sons (8 and 6) seemed so much happier as of course did I. When we left her at the airport a week ago the very first thing my 6 year old said was ‘dad – we have a whole week of not being yelled at…’. That comment alone broke my heart. Anyway she returned home yesterday armed with a weeks worth of bottled up rage and let fly moments after walking in the front door – so and we are back to the lives we know best – and hate.

    • Simran
      July 8, 2017 at 1:26 pm

      i can truly relate to this. My wife of 30 years is planning to go overseas for a week and i can’t wait. She wants to keep it short but I say go..go spend more time with your family. Take as long as you want. Don’t worry about us. We will be fine. You go and enjoy yourself. Can’t wait till she is gone.

  19. Stephen
    May 28, 2017 at 3:13 pm

    When I first met my wife she was amazing, slightly mad, but nothing to speak of.

    On the weekend of our wedding she began a rude, arogant, ignorant woman. She screamed at me in the bedroom, she’s Italian and pretended she didn’t understand what the registra was saying with the vows and said no. I at the time thought she was trying to be funny. Then she has got worse and worse. Now I can’t even ask her a question without being screamed at, told to fuck off, called an idiot etc.

    She was a banker and i am beginning to see why narcissistic people go into banking.

    She caused me so much stress I had a stroke at the age of 49.
    And all she’s done since the stroke is belittle me in public, ridicule me in private, and generally behave in a way that my friends and family tell me to leave her. I haven’t yet but I think that’s the only option.

    I am a laid back, happy go lucky, loving kind soft hearted giant. I’d rather help than harm and she’d rather hurt than help.

    I am still recovering from the stroke, 6 months on and her behaviour has gotten a lot worse.

    Now my family and all evil, thieves and she hates them. She makes stuff up that has never happened and says abusive 5hings about my family. Then it’s always a choice either them and my friends or her.
    I think she’s just made the choice for me.

    Good god how did I fall in love with an evil, abusive, spiteful, vindictive woman.

    I trained, run, look great for my age and now after the stroke I’m fat, ugly and useless according to her. It’s always about how shit I am and how great she is. How fat I am, of course I have lost muscle I nearly died from a stroke. They did all the checks and I have a perfectly healthy body bar a shoulder and neck injury from a car crash.

    She is about to lose me, I love her but have stopped liking her. I just can’t be around her as I never know what vile verbal assault she will come out with next.

    Glad you wrote the article as it has shown me no matter how much love, tolerance, patience and attention I give her it will never be good enough. I am a shit to be flushed away in her eyes.

    In my eyes I am an amazing wonderful god like man who have more love in my shit than she could must in her entire life.

    Blessings

    • TT
      July 5, 2017 at 9:11 pm

      I’m so sorry for all u been thru…you nailed it, she is Narcissistic in extreme which is how they end up at, to become too…Get out now, don’t wait…she will next try to cause u more harm, possibly physically & to cause your health to decline or more harm & including emotionally, then sweet side again, all of which to create a dependency to her…she needs a punching bag & she’s called it “you”… And stress can cause all that’s happened to you…like a bomb waiting to happen & yes all u described that it affects does do that…u will gain strength back but some areas will be permanently affected/weaker…luv my peoples & I only speak to be helpful here…pain & stress if too much can cause this even tho,it’s not something anyone can or could forsee coming for it, & yet it’s not your fault either, just simply saying don’t beat self up for feeling so alone in All your struggles & All u truly were to where u are & don’t give up…trust me, I know that’s so much easier said than done, 4 thinkn “how could all this & so much have happened to me” for who u are…believe me, I know…took me year & a half to get use of my arm & still get nerve/muscle pain in weakness intermittent arm & leg same side…dragged my leg for days & 1 eye & mouth slightly dropped. I was lucky that much plus movement & leg went back to normal & but future could have other implications. Memory can be affected too, pre-existing things can become worse, & anything that doesn’t go back to normal in 6months is a permanent damage & u are susceptible of a future one, so with that said, get out now, get away from the stress pain, etc by her b4 she uses it all against you in games…Bitches are horrible…My only intent is to be helpful, hopeful, & relatable, so that u know u are not alone & 2B helpful to u & your future…& long ago, I too was also married once to abusive too…just get out…& find a true Gem good girl woman who could never hurt you like this…Good girls r much more then Men realize…they just don’t rush to know Man’s abilities, man’s love, & staying with her…find your gem & truly get to know her longer…you won’t be sorry…

    • TT
      July 5, 2017 at 9:29 pm

      P.s.
      Don’t wait to get out just because u feel insecure or down on self, she will get worse, this is what they do, hook u & Then Change when it’s all gotten serious &/or about her & she has full control of your life…hell is all u will know with her…trust me on this… & Health stuff can come, car accidents, including “some” not all, idiot doctors, & including wrong medicines or continued regiment…my point is, it’s not your fault for all things that unexpectedly happen To U, or her abuse…if she really loved u she would be supportive to improving & getting back to U, & but regardless too…Men want this as much…so get out & find real woman 4 U, loving U, for U… Luv 1st, is key, not over $ & 2people should Want to be there for each other equally, mutually, & luv each other to want to…if it not based on luv, then like the economy it’ll (luv) change..& becomes a wasted investment, losing everything both inside & out…so just get out…hope I helped…

  20. Not Proud
    May 24, 2017 at 1:43 am

    I have posted here before, and feel like I am in an understanding group of men who won’t judge me. I am wondering if anyone else is experiencing what I find myself doing?

    I find myself altering my life to my own detriment – to not get flack from my wife. Case in point – I did not go to the gym yesterday (which I want to) when she was working from home. I chose not to go because I did not want to hear her complain, rant, or criticize me on how I use my time. However, later that day, she and her son went to the gym. So who’s fault is it that I did not go? Totally mine, I audit and withhold information, I alter my life and do whatever I can to avoid her rants, criticisms, inquisitions and more.

    My behavior seems fundamentally wrong to me – a grown man acting this way. I am 6’2, ’ and she is half my size. I am not afraid of her physically, as that has never happened. However, I live my life in fear for her endless victim statements and criticisms of me. I would rather take a beating than face these.

    Is this normal, or have any of you had this type of fear based behavior? Thanks for your comments.

    • Simran
      July 8, 2017 at 1:35 pm

      I too do the same mate. I don’t invite my friends home because i know what will happen once they leave….eg why did you sit there, why did you say that, why did they stop talking when i came in. you were scheming about me…you were talking about me…you were testing me. No, I wasn’t. I was trying to have a pleasant conversation. No, you were not. You didn’t help in setting the table, you were looking at his wife..you are shite, you are a womaniser…..I think i have made a point. I know all this barage will come my way so what do i do..like any weak person wud do..i dont invite them. And i hate it afterwards. I dont speak my emotions to her because i know it will all backfire and come back to me..bcos all faults lie in me. I am an abuser who relishes in her misfortune. Need i say more. Mate, you are better off without her as am I. But i haven’t left. God knows why..but i am on my way out I think.

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