Home > Abusive relationships, Borderline Personality Disorder > The Emotionally Abusive Personality: Is She a Borderline or a Narcissist?

The Emotionally Abusive Personality: Is She a Borderline or a Narcissist?


Two Face WomanIf you’re involved with an emotionally abusive woman, at first you probably wondered, “What’s wrong with her?” If you’ve been with her for a significant length of time, you probably now wonder, “What’s wrong with me? Why does she treat me so bad?”

Emotional abuse grinds you down over time and leaves you feeling depressed, anxious, helpless, and worthless. You don’t deserve to be treated badly. You’re not the one with the problem. People who are emotionally abusive typically fall into specific personality types and in extreme cases, personality disorders.

The Cluster B disorders, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD), Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD) are often abusers in their relationships. These disorders lie on a continuum. Depending on the day, hour, minute, or second, your wife or girlfriend may exhibit different characteristics of these disorders. They’re all similar flavors of crazy.

So how can you tell if your emotionally abusive girlfriend or wife has Borderline or Narcissistic traits? The following are general rules of thumb I use when trying to tease out the difference.

How do they approach relationships?

The Narcissistic Woman: “Love me–or else.” If you don’t unconditionally accept the NPD and all of her horrible behaviors, you are, as one of my readers describes it, “unforgiving and mean.” At first, many of them charm you and then they often try to bully you into loving them. If you reject her or she thinks that you’re criticizing her, you’re treated to a narcissistic rage episode or cold sullen withdrawal and the death stare.

Every now and again a narcissist will be nice to you, even affectionate. This is because she is

  1. about to manipulate you into doing something for her;
  2. making a public display in order to be seen by others as magnanimous or loving;
  3. celebrating because she’s duped or tricked you about something; and/or
  4. lulling you into a false sense of security because she’s about to clobber you again

In other words, if she’s being nice to you, be afraid. Be very afraid.

The Borderline Woman: “Please love me. I didn’t mean it. Don’t leave me.” Initially, the BPD will mutate into the woman she thinks you want her to be. This ideal fantasy woman has nothing to do with who she is in reality. She’ll do everything in her power to please you in order to make you love her and then the mask starts to crumble.

Can you feel sympathy for her?

The Narcissistic Woman: The NPD woman is a very unsympathetic creature. It’s damned near impossible to feel sorry for her. If she manipulates you into feeling sympathy for her, it’s to get you to let down your guard so she can steamroll you again. They invented the term crocodile tears for NPDs. She cries when she’s terrified of losing control over her half dead mouse–that would be you–or of having her true self exposed.

The Borderline Woman: Even when she’s off the charts crazy, there’s still something sort of pitiful about her. It’s easier to feel sympathy for a BPD, but pity and guilt shouldn’t be the glue that holds a relationship together. It doesn’t negate the consequences of her emotionally abusive behavior, whether the hurt she inflicts is intentional or unintentional.

Is she capable of accepting personal responsibility?

The Narcissistic Woman: She rarely, if ever, admits she was wrong unless it’s to zing you with a thinly veiled insult. For example, “I thought you were a kind and generous man. I see now that I was wrong.” She rarely if ever takes responsibility for her hurtful actions. If you call her on her bad behaviors, she claims it was your fault for pushing her into it (in other words, you deserved it) and you’re a bad man to make a good woman like her act that way. You should be ashamed of yourself!

Alternatively, she’ll use dime store psychology, dogmatic religion or false consensus building to justify her inexcusable behaviors. For example, “A true christian practices forgiveness” or “You have unresolved issues with your mother” or “My therapist said I should do what my gut tells me to do” or “I told my family and friends about this and they think I’m right and you’re wrong.” These are nothing more than tactics for deflecting responsibility.

The Borderline Woman: The BPD will admit what she did was wrong, BUT she’ll follow it up by blaming you for triggering her. That’s not real personal responsibility. It’s what a 5-year old says when they get caught doing something wrong. “Yes, what I did was wrong, but it wasn’t my fault” or “I was really hurt and angry, but I didn’t mean to say all of the horrible things I did, so you have to forgive me.” The NPD usually won’t acknowledge any wrong-doing unless you really have her on the ropes or you’re about to end the relationship–that’s the difference. Most NPDs believes she was right to hurt you; some BPDs might feel bad about hurting you, but she was hurting, so she had to hurt you and ‘couldn’t help [herself].’

Is she capable of empathy?

The Narcissistic Woman: The NPD is virtually incapable of feeling empathy for others. She is 100% ENTITLED, which means other people’s feelings don’t really matter.  There is one exception. If someone else is giving you a hard time, the NPD will say, “Well I never had a problem with ‘Joe.’ He’s always been nice to me. He must be really stressed. You’re probably bringing this on yourself.” The NPD woman shows empathy for others at your expense.

The Borderline Woman: BPDs can be guided to feel empathy by reminding them of specific instances when they felt bad, but it’s usually pretty fleeting. Bottom line: A BPD’s emotional distress takes precedence over everything and everyone else, no matter how empathic she may seem to be from time to time. Furthermore, empathy from a BPD often comes with strings attached.

Is she capable of giving?

The Narcissistic Woman: That would be no, no and no. NPDs are primarily takers. It’s definitely a one-way street when you’re involved with a narcissistic woman. She may make a show of being kind and generous in front of others, but that’s only because she wants to protect her highly controlled public image. Alternatively, if she does something “generous” it’s because she believes “those are the rules” of etiquette, society or her religion. NPDs are big rules and regs types. She will then expect to be lavishly acknowledged and praised for her act of generosity (or something as minor as cleaning up after herself in the kitchen) and never lets you forget it.

The Borderline Woman: BPDs are givers, but it comes with a price. It’s part of what I mentioned earlier about doing anything to please you to get you to love them.

Most of the behaviors I’m describing are entirely unconscious. These behaviors are learned at an early age and some of them may be hardwired. Whether she’s more NPD or BPD, both traits are extremely painful and damaging to the people who love them.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries or send an email to shrink4men@gmail.com.

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Photo credits:

Two Face Woman by matthew manuel puentes on flickr.

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  1. Randy Geffon
    November 26, 2016 at 7:37 pm

    I wish I knew about these disorders 19 years ago. My divorce was just final a few weeks ago. Two weeks after my wife asked me for a separation ( October 2014 ) she moved in with a friend of ours that got divorced 4 years ago. We have two boys, ages 11, and 14. She moved them in as well. This man is a trust fund guy that has never worked a day in his life. I had a net worth of 5 million dollars and lost all of it.

    During our marriage, we went to several marriage counselors. None of them could figure out she was a Borderline or a Narcissist? I did not know either. All I knew was no matter what and how hard I tried it became worse and worse. Becuase I was not aware of these disorders I tried to fix her. I am a kind, and giving man. I come from a good family with good values.

    About 18 months ago I was sent an article just like the one that got me here. As I was reading it, I couldn’t read it fast enough, every single word and sentence matched her up to the T.

    The first day in the Judge’s chambers our Judge said and I quote. I’ve actually had people in here saying this person is a narcissist and all this crazy behavior? When she moved in with this friend I was devasted even though our marriage was horrible. I was in the fetal position for many months. I asked her, how could you be laying in bed with me a few weeks before telling me you loved me and now you are sleeping and living with this man? Her answer, I did it with you?

    The day she was moving out this man ( her boyfriend ) shows up in our house with all these other movers and comes up to me and hugs me and says show me some love? I was taken off guard and with all the movers and emotion going on it strut me funny but it didn’t register with me. I know it sounds crazy but this is how I felt. He paid for all of her attorney fees, and every single expense she had. After getting served with the divorce at my store, 15 minutes later a lady from the children protective services walks in. Are you Randy, I said yes. I sat down with her for two hours. The next day I get served again with an emergency hearing so she can take our two boys away from me.

    At this time I had an attorney. The lady from protective services called me the next day and said there are NO grounds of any kind for our services here, the case she tried to create was dead. At the emergency hearing we subpoenaed the lady from protective services and at the end of two hours, the judge left the 50/50 visitation as is.

    At the end of the hearing, her attorney asked for a guardian. My attorney said no, there is no reason for it, then he said to me you have nothing to hide anything so I agreed. BIG MISTAKE. The borderline, narcissist immediately got the guardians ear. Two months later I get served with a domestic violence order? She can write and write and wear anyone out. She wrote pages and pages of lies. After I called my attorney to tell him that I got served he said we don’t do those in our office. He gave me a name of a criminal lawyer, he wanted $2500.00 and I didn’t have it. I called an old friend of my Dad’s a lawyer he is in his 70’s. We went to the hearing and the Judge was the brother of our divorce, Judge. When we approached the podium in court she immediately started crying. She could win the Oscar.

    The Judge said do you want to work this all out? I said yes, she reluctantly said yes. we went into a room with a bailiff and a magistrate. After two hours of talking strictly about the visitation, the magistrate agreed with me. I felt like I was on cloud nine. The bailiff about 10 minutes later brings over a 10-page document and pulls it back and says sign here. My attorney was sitting next to me. I signed it and the magistrate told me to go wait out in the courtroom for the final docs.

    About 15 minutes later he comes over and hands me the docs, I start reading it and it says we find the respondent is a victim of domestic violence???? I texted my lawyer as he already left. I said Larry, what the heck is this?? It says I did this and I admitted to it? He said, I just carved out your visitation. I was livid, I said you know I would have never in a million years agreed to this. From that point on my life was hell. She called the police on me 17 times trying to get me arrested.

    I had my visitation schedule signed by the magistrate and from that point on she refused to give me my boys. I have to cut this short now because going through this in mentally exhausting. I could not afford a lawyer any longer and when I went into the Judge’s chambers alone representing myself, the Judge says, don’t worry I have a lot of people like you that turn out representing themselves, I’ll help you along.

    The bottom line is my wife got awarded our $800,000.00 home and the two insurance checks for $615,000.00 when our house got flooded. I presently have no job and at our final hearing which the judge called it a status hearing. He says you see this stack of paperwork ( I had filed many motions, including every page of the family wizard ) I haven’t even looked at it? And guess what, nobody ran against me so I have 6 more years in this seat. So you know what? I don’t care, go and appeal it, their office as he points is right there.

    Her lawyer says he owes 48k in back child support ( I was living in my store because I had no money for a place ) and he owes $2400.00 a month in child support? I said Judge, he then scolded me and said you are the most disrespectful person I have ever met.

    He says who goes and waits in their car for 45 minutes outside your wife’s home. I said I do because you gave me those visitation days. He then says you have mental problems. Here is your visitation every other weekend from Saturday to Sunday until they are 18 years old. I was beyond devastation. Then he said you’re not allowed at their school either, you have no rights.

    Yesterday she got engaged to this man. Becuase I had the wrong lawyer, and because she will stop at nothing to win I lost my boys. The entire time I took the high road and kept telling myself the truth will prevail and she’ll be exposed. There is no other side to this story. With all of my heart, my soul, and my being I am a great dad and was a good husband. I take ownership of what I could do differently, however, I was faithful and hard working and gave her the world.

    Get a lawyer that is proficient in these disorders. There are many fine great lawyers out here. But if they have NOT dealt with anyone that has these disorders you don’t stand a chance. I read about these things happening to guys just like me, and I told myself to take the high road and rise above it all. I did.

  2. bobthecat
    March 6, 2016 at 8:16 pm

    This is hard story to tell.
    I thought I met the most beautiful intelligent stunning woman ever.
    She was electric in the bedroom and cooked the best food ive ever tasted.
    I had never known real love I became infatuated and she reciprocated.
    That was 4 year’s ago.
    I was a happy outgoing man at last I’d found my mate for life.
    But all that glissens isn’t gold.
    Very slowly almost without noticing I was encouraged to stay with her.All the time.
    if I was late by even a minute shed get cross. No sex.
    I bought things to say sorry shed be happy and I didn’t feel nervous.
    She invited a female friend over. Afterwards I was accused of cheating on her yet I’d done nothing at all.
    I told her I loved her she sneered and still does saying love doesn’t exist.
    I was getting very confused always on egg shells.
    I put up with this for 4 years.
    Then it got really bad.She has at least ten other boyfriends.
    I Became so weak and worn out by bullying and seeing promiscuous behaviour I tried to end it all.
    She called an ambulance that saved me which she now tells me makes her my saviour and I cannot leave her.
    I am damaged now don’t know how to get out of this horrible relationship.
    She’s lost me my friends my money and my sanity.I am in hell.
    I have always been a caring giving sort of person I guess she saw me as an easy target.
    She left two others husbands before breaking their hearts which she doesn’t care a less about. She has two grown up daughters one is horrible but the other who emigrated is beautiful and kind and has no idea how deceitful she is.I will never tell her it would break her heart.
    I am in a very bad place don’t know how to get out.
    What sort of woman sends you for shopping which I pay for whilst she has sex with another man?

  3. kishor
    November 6, 2015 at 4:33 pm

    thanks for all your articles on NPD and BPD. I was involved with a person who exactly matches the specifications.. while i was very confident and open to start of relationship. i lost all confidence. I have decided to end the relationship. Thanks for the help. Else i would have gone in that loop forever.

  4. Bob
    November 3, 2015 at 11:51 pm

    Wow. Like a lot of men here, I am thunderstruck at how much my experiences resonate with the stories you guys are telling. What makes matters worse, at least in terms of my own self-judgment, is that I am a therapist! I have worked with narcissists, borderlines and other Cluster “B” types many times in my career, yet somehow couldn’t see the severely disordered person right in front of me – not until I had been with her for 21 years, married for 11 and had a kid (now 8 1/2 yrs old). Maybe my only excuse is that I work with people sick enough to require psychiatric hospitalization, so didn’t have enough experience recognizing the creature in its natural habitat: at home, slowly turning the life of her mate to shit. , Retrospectively, there were warning signs: unstable friendships, unstable family relationships (close one day, at odds with one sister or another the next), times when I suspected -or knew- that things she told people (in person or, later, in Facebook status updates) were not true (these were often self-aggrandizing, bragging, name-dropping). I would occasionally ask about those and she would reply with some variation on “well, that is true, you don’t know everything about me” or “I’m very private and don’t need for people to know too much about me, so I say things like that to throw them off the trail”. For a while I enjoyed a special status, but once I lost that, all bets were off and she felt free to lie to me or tell me the truth depending on what served her purposes (or whimsy) best.

    I’ll try to keep this brief, which I cannot seem to easily do when discussing this situation. So many things we have heard variations on before: running through (my) money, both earned at work and inherited from my Dad, while she didn’t work for years. She was always “looking” for work or working “freelance” jobs in her (well-paying) profession, but the money from the latter never seemed to materialize. When I got increasingly agitated over the pressure on me, the money problems, the shut off utilities or the house foreclosure threats, she would cry about how abusive and cruel I was, because I would yell at her. She would weep over how awful I was to say things – then quote me as saying things that I would never say in a million years. “But, sweetie” I would say, “I know myself well enough to know that I would NEVER say that!” I just didn’t get how our realities were diverging.

    On and on. She couldn’t take just any job, no matter our financial situation- it had to be one sufficiently high in status and commensurate with her skill level and background. We had no sex. She finally suggested an open marriage, which I agreed to because I figured at least I could also get some sex that way – and because I didn’t really care what she did at that point. She had been overweight and seemingly uninterested in her appearance for a few years, too – I wasn’t that attracted to her. But I forgot something – that I was working so much that I really couldn’t plan or develop much of a social life (and I was never much of a ladies man, despite my fondest hopes as a teenager). Meanwhile, wouldn’t you know that she began taking better care of herself, lost weight, and before you know it, going out all the time. She didn’t want me to know how much, so there were always “business dinners” and lunches, drinks with various “colleagues” – all this presented to me as necessary networking for the work she never seemed to get.

    This last part I only figured out about two months ago when I betrayed my own ethics and began to do what I never did before with her or any other girlfriend – spying on her email and social media. There was no other way, I realized after I first saw some things by accident, to know what she was really up to, saying or doing, because she just lied to me at this point by reflex. This was when I got to see the results of our “open marriage” (a phrase that implies some respect for your actual marriage) – the times she used my money or bank card to pay for trysts, the amount of time spent on dating and hookup sites while she was, you know, “looking for work”, the absolutely shitty and untrue things she said about me to some fucking strange guy on Ashley Madison, (along with telling her hookups how much she hated me, was already divorced from me, how I had oppressed her for years, how awful it was to have to spend time with me on our summer vacation to the beach) the absolutely crazy, WTF stories she would tell about herself to impress some boob, and finally, the amount of time she spent doing this stuff even after she FINALLY got a job – which led, inevitably, to her losing the job because she wasn’t “around” the workplace enough. Didn’t they understand, she complained, how much networking and schmoozing she had to do for that job? Ungrateful bastards.

    That’s another thing (I’m stopping soon) that keeps popping up here – she can never own a mistake, never say “I screwed up”, never just be a human being about it. It’s ALWAYS somebody else’s fault, their jealousy, their pettiness, their stupidity and ignorance, And, despite self-proclaimed Buddhism and progressive values, everything is about money and status with her – status she doesn’t have, but sucks up to like a lamprey. The Buddhism and political stances, the compassion she feigns for people, is all the same – skin deep and strictly for show.

    And now, as I finally get ready to move out, and I retain a lawyer – and we are forced to short-sell our house because the mortgage company has had it with us, I have to reckon with the fact that I have a beautiful child I love more than life itself, who is going to spend 50% of her time getting indoctrinated into a skill set of manipulation, disdain for others, self-absorption on a grand scale and the imperative to lie whenever telling the truth is just too inconvenient. My mission, as I see it – to provide a corrective, a counter-balance, an ongoing reminder that there are other ways to live your life and that compassion is a primary value in life – not just a way to play suckers and impress people with, for example, the way you volunteer to work with children on the oncology unit at the children’s hospital – when you may have done that ONCE in your life.

    Well, this wasn’t short, but I am so grateful, like many others, for the opportunity to communicate with others who have been through this. There are times, moments, when I can muster up some compassion for a person with such inner emptiness that she has to construct a world of bullshit and artifice to operate – but then I think of my kid, or the money my dad left me, or the things she said about me while I was keeping a roof over her head – and the moment passes.

    Thanks.
    Bob

    • Bob
      November 4, 2015 at 6:03 am

      In reading back over my comments above , I think I regret what sounds like entitled whining about how my slovnly wife got herself together, but not for me. I think that aspect of things, including my own. role, was more complicated than I depicted it. I mean, just to be fair.

      Aside from that, I stand by everything. And still can’t believe it.

  5. Cody
    October 12, 2015 at 2:47 pm

    I just want to say to whoever wrote this and the other articles THANK YOU you may have just saved my life! I was on the verge of losing my mind and I had completely forgot who I actually was bc I’ve been so brainwashed and nearly worshiping possibly the worst Human I think I’ve ever met. I’ve been stuck and couldn’t see things for what they were. No telling how long I would have been stuck on her. When I read this it was as if I was reading the story of my relationship even down to word for word things she says. I didn’t even think people this evil really existed like its mind blowing to me. I’m sure that the next guy she dates is going to somehow go searching for answers and end up on this article so I’ll go ahead and tell my story to help the next poor guy who acrosses paths with her. I met this girl roughly 2 years ago. She lived roughly 5 hours from me in Fort Worth and I had at the time already considered moving there. We hit it off immediately it was as if I found the other piece of myself. She seemed so perfect. We spent every night on the phone. She talked about her past and how she had been sexually abused and how she was legal married but he had moved out over a year ago and it was a matter of paperwork and money to finalize her divorce. She talked about her ex boyfriends and looking back when she describe them to me she basically was describing herself and it’s now obivous i wasn’t the first guy she abused. Anyway We go on and I start visiting and I fall deeply in love and everything is great. A few month into it I start to notice things like how she made me stay at hotels. I came over after 9pm everytime she said bc of her kid and not wanting to Confuse her. Then I start to notice this guys stuff all over the house not like stuff he had left but like dirty clothes etc I’d point it out and she would say some lie and then become furious bc I didn’t trust her. I later that month notice her acting weird on her phone and i asked to see her pics and i found her snapchatjing naked photos. I was in shock and she went from idk how he got those. And became furious and threatened to break up with me. I caught her red handed but yet she was so convincing I couldn’t believe someone could be lying and be the one angry. So I bought her lie and that’s what began the horrible horrible experience. A few months went by and I became suspicious again. I slowly started finding more and more. And she began to just completely lie and then threaten and attack me. I kept looking and I found out she was basically a webcam pornstar and I found endless messages between her and other guys I broke up with her immediately and she somehow convinced me to meet up with her. I questioned her and she calmed it was bc of her past sexual abuse and that she never met anyone in person blah blah poor me poor me if you love you you’d care. I read messages on her phone that appeared she had met up and had sex with a few guys but I had became so dependent on this girl emotionally because I thought she was just the best girl who needed help. I bought it all. I forgave her thinking she truly was going to change. She said whatever it took. Well 2weeks later I was struggling. I could have sex with her without thinking about all the things I saw. I tried to commuincate thinking she was my dream loving girl and she eventually after 2weeks of not being in control of the relationship she flipped out on me and long story short. She went from I’ll earn your trust to your untrusting unforgiving and you need to get over it and shut up. The next months went on she kept cheating I found out she was married and he was living there and sur was cheating on him with me and on events like this. And i bought every single one of her horrible lies not bc it was true but bc I wanted her to change so badly and wanted to believe she was a great girl because she would be so nice and perfect to me about 1 week a months and I spent the rest of the month trying to get that love and affection back. She shut down and made me scared to do anything but be quite as I try to deal with the trama on my own bc she has convinced me I was very insecure and I was basically like a child who was so crazy i was lucky. I have a mother who left me when I was a child and abused me in many of the same ways. I had overcome this by cutting her out of my life and realizing she was just a drug addict I didn’t deserve it. Well she knew this and she told me I was completely insane and insecure bc of my mom to cover her lies. She said she would write my mom and try to help her and when she got out of prison we could have a relationship and that might help me not be crazy. I knew this was a bad idea but I thought I was so crazy and messed up that I had no choice if i ever wanted her to treat me right and love me. At this point I felt so worthless that I basically would feel lucky to have a conversation with her. She made sure to tell me I was as well. Anyway time goes on she’s been “helping my mom” through writing her. It’s hiliouris now but she thought she had her head on so straight that she could fix crazy ppl. Lol Well the day comes she gets out and I get into a fight in the first phone conversation with my mother I told her told Jamie told me it was your fault I was an insecure horrible boyfriend. Later that night my mother sends me a pic that My girlfriend had sent through the mail. My girlfriend tried to hook my mom up with one of the guys she had cheated with. I broke down completely and was in such disbelief that I didn’t even realize what had happened and my girlfriend comforted me and started be so nice before I ever could get mad at her she told me that night that she thought she wanted to marry me. And she gave me love and affection so I acted as tho it was my moms fault. The next month went on and I at this point felt completely worthless and then of course when I needed her she realized she completely broke me to the point I was of no use to her so she broke up with me. She’s since came back and forth to keep me hooked and beggin her to come back. Until I read this article and opened my eyes. I sent her a final text this morning and made it clear that she doesn’t have any power over me anymore and then I blocked her for good. It felt amazing to finally see it for what it was and take away the satisfaction of having power. And I’m finally free. So anyway for those out there in a abusive situation. Trust me I had it about as bad as it gets. I was destroyed just open your eyes and realize yes people really can be that evil! Don’t make excuses don’t doubt or ignore that voice deep inside under all the brainwashing that tells you to leave. It’s gonna get worse and worse and it may just keep you down and have a negative impact on your life for good’

  6. Jim
    October 11, 2015 at 9:26 pm

    I really want to thank you for this site. I have been in a relationship for 10 years and even though my warning signs came early I forgave them thinking it would be better. Her mother passed 4 years ago and man has it gotten difficult. I am tired and looking for my way out but at what expense. Last night I had another of her rages to deal with and once again her mothers death was my fault and of course as she loves to state I wasn’t there for her. I hear daily the I don’t love you to the I don’t care how you feel. The assaults are more frequent and even though I hate for her to carry the tag that comes with domestic violence I think it’s important and made a decision to place recorders in my home to show the police next time this happens. Worse part is she has been going to seminars for the last two years claiming to be a victim to clear herself of negativity that would come from family friends and co workers. She will hit and when I state this time I will notify authorities she dares me and laughs stating I will hurt myself so you are arrested. I realize I’m not on my own and will stand for what is right. It’s time to feel good again and I’m on my way out

    • shrink4men
      October 11, 2015 at 11:30 pm

      You’re welcome, but I’m sorry you need it.Do you have minor children with her? Do you have a safe place to go? If the answer to the first question is no and the second question is yes, don’t confront her. Just go. It’s not worth the potential police involvement. You should also find yourself an attorney who has experience with these kinds of cases.

  7. Rebuilding...
    October 11, 2015 at 4:45 am

    My wife clearly has many of these symptoms. I would fill up 3 pages of comments getting into details.

    Funny thing is that she’s just really not a selfish person. How is it that someone can be so controlling, so manipulative, play these horrible negative soul crushing games on me, and yet be an honestly unselfish person. She doesn’t ask for anything for herself money wise, however she just has to be in control. She controls what we watch on tv (I’m talking one hundred percent of the time) what activities we do, her decisions are final and my decisions are always beaten down through argument or my decision BECOMES her decision etc. she has physically abused me “because I caused it by the way I was acting” etc. she tells me I’m selfish ALL the time. I honestly do think I’m more selfish than she is. I do want things I want to be happy to have hobbies and spend some of my hard earned money on fun things for myself. She doesn’t seem to want that… Just the control. Perfect example, the last time I bought her flowers as a Romantic gesture she actually got UPSET with me. She said it was a big waste of money and a luxury we cannot afford. It caused a long drawn out argument where like all the rest of them, ended with me just eventually wearing down and throwing in the towel to her overbearing overtaking bullshit. Like all other arguments I had to apologize. So I apologized “I’m sorry for buying you flowers” of course that wasnt the apology she wanted. I still don’t know if I ever made the “real ” apology she wanted.

    Anyways the point is, what does it mean if the emotionally abusive wife really does seem to be the one that is less selfish? I mean she does think of the perfect thing to say or the best gift and remembers all the little things for all of our friends. She really is caring and considerate. But for some reason she is such a spiteful controlling bitch to me. It’s like mr Hyde comes out sometimes. As long as I give in to her control, I can go awhile without pissing her off (ie walking on eggshells)

    I think I try to stand up to her control at inappropriate times. I think I am immature and selfish. I think also that her emotional abusive and physical abusive bullshit is no wAy to help me grow up. I think she wants to keep me down there so she can feel superior and stay in control. Does that make her a borderline, narcissist, or is she just a controlling woman and we have a toxic relationship and that’s about it?

    Essentially the way I see it is she is controlling and driven by acts of respect “ie these are the rules you follow if you care about me” and I am defiant. I really don’t pretend to be some savior or knight in shining armor. I stand up to her. I argue back. I don’t hit her but if she hits me of comes at me with a knife I have pinned her down and thrown her down. Yes she has actually stabbed me before and she uses that as a threat if I don’t start changing and “not being such an asshole”. I usually take out my anger by fighting back to the walls, lamps, etc.

    I dunno. I guess I think this could be my fault too. She always tells me I create a fantasy world and lie to myself. I think she’s at least partly right. But I think she uses my weaknesses against me as emotional warfare too. I don’t think that part is fantasy land stuff. I know I’m to blame for these problems too. I cheated on her when we were dating. I really selfish and immature although I am proud to say I have never cheated on her since we’ve been married. I am sick of this bullshit though. It’s not healthy. I can never be good enough for her. Maybe I am selfish but I’m not satan. I’m a human being. So is she. I left the house a few months ago and was ready to divorce. We went thru days of agony and I of course ended up coming back. I made a list. She said she wasn’t going to physically abuse me or take my stuff again. She has held her word so far. She’s still controlling though. Still the same emotional bullshit about its all my fault blah blah blah I don’t know what to do.

    • Rebuilding...
      October 11, 2015 at 5:29 am

      …I’m lashing out at her verbally to try to “keep the power” or not let her take it back piece by piece. But the funny thing is that she can make these power plays just by any argument. She knows I will eventually back down just to get the damn argument over with. I think I really am starting to go crazy. I’m starting to do the same stuff she does to play her game back with her. To get the power. I think we are at war over power. Why the hell cant we each just have our own power? She actually tells me “you have power. You have the power to make hour own decisions. To listen or to be a defiant asshole”. I don’t think she gets it. The power is the ability to tell the other person what to do I can NEVER tell her what to do. It’s like a cardinal sin to her. But she always tells me what to do. She says I have the “power” to go along with it basically or to fight against it. Fighting against it seems to always cause fights and arguments which I ultimately lose anyway. Groundhogs day same problem over an over again INSANITY. God does it ever get better??! She made me walk home today because of the fact that I told her she was being dominating again. Basically called her on her billshit. An argument insued. She told me “a real man knows when and how to apologize and mean it but YOU have no empathy!” I said “so you’re insulting my manhood now?” She then said I was proving her point by saying something like that making it about me being selfish etc. then my poor child who was in the car said “DAD STOP”. (My wife has already succeeded in building her child weapon of hatred) of course my wife said “look he doesn’t care. See how he doesn’t care? You are such an ASSHOLE you don’t even care that you’re hurting you’re daughter. Jus leave. Get out. GET OUT OF THE CAR!!! “. I said “no and you will not use our child as a weapon! We shouldn’t even be doing this in front of her.” She ranted and ranted to me about how much of an asshole I was until I got fed up with it and just walked home like she told me to.

      What do I do? Is it possible to make this better? Knowing that she isn’t selfish and seems to feel it’s my fault just as much as I feel it’s her fault?

  8. Fretmaster 306
    September 11, 2015 at 4:21 pm

    OMG …. I got involved with with a horrifying narcissist of the helpless victim variety. The big hook with her was her charm and great sense of humor when she decided to turn it on…… in addition she is petite and fit and I admit I used to find her very pretty. Not anymore. I had been involved with her as a younger more foolish man. After my angel of a wife passed this viscious predator looked me up out of the blue. She showed up wearing her most provocative outfit turned on the charm and there I was, the fool, doing things for her again. I was a vulnerable idiot. My mistake. I was aware enough to have an embargo on any sex with her. I was not ready for another relationship just yet and I said so. I knew to her sex would mean we were instantly married and that she now owns me. I did this for the reasons mentioned above but also as a bit of an experiment to see actually caring for me had anything to do with her scope of her alleged feelings towards me. She never once reached out to me not even to hold hands unless it was in public to display ownership. She never once put a comforting hand on me no matter what I was going through no matter how difficult. If I showed any sign of mourning or missing my wife she was cruelly dissmissive and very angry.This woman is damaged and that is how she is. I have finally accepted this reality. I have moved on. Thank God. Do not rescue the “damsel in distress” she will hate you, resent you, and if you allow it… slowly and painfully murder your soul. She is a big girl. She can pull her own friggin’ weight.

  9. September 5, 2015 at 12:38 pm

    Good article, I have been married to a narcissistic woman for three years, it has been hell. Even after a year of separation where she started divorce proceedings but won’t complete them, even says she wants to reconcile then goes to Mexico with her boyfriend a few days days later. It is surreal. Very limited or no contact is the only way forward and even then it is incredibly difficult to restart life.

  10. Tom
    June 6, 2015 at 2:00 pm

    I traded autonomy for comfort in our relationship. I was our home cook. I took great pride in preparing good food for my wife and her two great kids. One evening, I had prepared a huge kettle of chicken soup before going off to teach my yoga class. I have to teach on anemptystomach so I said I would eat when I got home. Well, when idid get home, she let her son eat 4 giant bowls of the soup. There was nothing left of it. I told her that was incredibly inconsiderate. She blamed me forbeing too sensitive…when she finally discarded me, the kids were upset , but she tickled the and tortured them into submission. I didn’t even know who I was…I still dont

  11. Barrie
    March 17, 2015 at 2:23 am

    Just about to end a NPD relationship. I had a breakdown tonight. This site has really confirmed to me, what I already knew.

  12. Stevo
    March 16, 2015 at 6:22 pm

    This is my story:

    I went out with the girl of ‘my dreams’, she was absolutely stunning. I mean there are attractive women and then there are beauties, she was a beauty. She was funny, articulate, charming, intelligent a real catch. I was almost intimidated by here. We met through friends, she apparently had her eye on me and wanted to get to know me. First night we met we kissed and slept together. She almost moved into my house straight away, she had her toothbrush in the bathroom and asked me what side of the bed was hers. It was actually a little alarming and extremely uncomfortable. Very quickly into the relationship she told me that her last boyfriend abused her, she then proceeded to vilify all of her past lovers, she loathed them with venom in her voice when she spoke of them. It was strange because when I think about it how could someone be in a relationship for years with a so called ‘monster’? Personally I have never dated anyone for an extended period of time and loathed their existence – well certainly that was the case until I met this girl ‘Rose’.

    Being the ‘Knight in Shinning Armour’ I tried my hardest to not be like any of the so called ‘Monsters’ that she dated. I tried to help her, ease her back into a healthy relationship, I was her shoulder to cry on. I did everything I could to ensure her, I wasn’t like that. Very quickly into the start of this relationship she was staying over 3 to 4 nights a week, but never instigated sex, in the morning time she would become cold and withhold affection. I genuinely couldn’t understand this. Funnily enough I thought it was because I might of had bad breath. After possibly 2-3 months of dating we were getting on like a house on fire, one night at a party in her place she pulled my aside in her bedroom and asked ‘was I gay?’ to my shock and almost amusement I replied with a bemused laugh ‘no’. She then said there was something missing from the relationship. I looked at her and said ‘I’m sorry to hear that, you are lovely girl but if there is something missing, there is something missing noting I can do about that and I leaned in to kiss her goodbye. She pulled away and said with a face of disgust ‘even the way you kiss me is weird’. Dejected and confused I left her place half the man I was earlier that day. I couldn’t understand it I also felt there was something missing as well, but as far as I could tell it was all her. She texted me the next day apologising for her actions and when I questioned what she said and why she said it she had no recollection. She told me she was in love with me and that she was unbelievably attracted to me, as soon as I reciprocated my feelings she went cold. I didn’t hear from her for another week.

    She then began phase 2 of manipulation, she would confess her love for me but push me away from being with her. I was shattered – my ego could not take the apple of my eye questioning my sexuality. We met up a few other occasions ‘accidentally’ and we would have sex, get on like a house on fire but as soon as it was time for either of us to go home, she would shape shift into an argumentative antagonistic abuser. Making me feel inferior and not worthy of her etc. This played a long for a few weeks back on forth. Two days before my birthday she asked me out to celebrate the day, I agreed and we went for a few drinks and dinner, we were all over each other, laughing, joking, kissing, holding hands like two people madly in love. By the time dinner ended in the restaurant she shape shifted shouting things at me like ‘be a fu**ing man’, ‘you know what your problem is? you are just so fu**ing available’

    Hurtful and deliberate abuse, pulling me in then pushing me away, by this point in the volatile relationship I was almost starting to lose my confidence in intimate situations with her, I had to almost give myself a pep talk mentally to build my confidence back. She was never like this with anyone else, she is a psychotherapist and works with charities etc. So to everyone else she is a wholesome human being. To anyone reading this thinking ‘Why in God’s name would you put up with this?’ The answer is ‘she wasn’t always like that’, she could be amazing, then cruel. I started to notice a pattern, she would lull you into a false sense of security then bang without warning destroy you with verbal abuse.

    We slept with each other that night, we went for lunch the next day and by the time I left her home the relationship was over, it didn’t even need to be discussed or communicated, I dropped her home and said ‘see you in a couple of months’ that was it. I didn’t see her for another 6 weeks, when we ‘accidentally’ bumped into each other. Truth is she knew I was at a bar and she came looking for me. That night she came home with me and as soon as I got her into bed she refused me sex and said ‘wait until the morning’ the next morning same story but she said to me ‘I am just not sexually attracted to you, you don’t turn me on’ this women had body shuddering orgasm’s almost every-time we had sex, her chest would illuminate red and her toes would curl. I just looked at her and said ‘ok Rose see you later’
    Two weeks later she was out with her friends and she texted me to meet up. I ignored her and at about 2am she rang me looking to meet up, I just hung up the phone, she then texted me saying ‘Your illusiveness is turning me on’ I snapped and sent her a text message calling her out and saying she was playing games etc. She then put that text on Whatsapp to all her friends making me out to be a monster.

    Believe it or not our paths crossed again, at this stage I was going to counselling because I believed it was my fault for the relationship failing, that I was somehow sending the wrong signals or I was sexually doing something wrong and that was the reason the relationship failed. After the 6th or 7th session the counsellor looked at me and said ‘it is unprofessional and unethical for me to say you don’t need counselling but in this case I am going to say to you, you don’t need counselling, you are absolutely normal.

    I had not spoken to this girl Rose in over 6 weeks as the last time we spoke she told me she loved me but wasn’t ready for a relationship. It was this push pull scenario over and over and over again, it was torture, pull me in then throw me back with abuse.

    My best friend died and I went to his funeral, she turned up unannounced and when I saw her I rolled my eyes to the heavens. I actually said to her ‘what are you doing here?’ she just replied ‘kiss me!’ I refused she then spent the entire day following me around the funeral trying to kiss me, she then started flirting with other men deliberately trying to make me jealous and looking in my direction for recognition. As the evening wore on she got drunker and cornered me in a section of the bar away from witnesses and proceeded to scream at me her undying love for me. I begged her to let me morn in peace and that this was not the day for this, I asked her to respect my wishes and leave me alone, she started crying hysterically and aggressively throwing herself at me like we were the last two people on the Titanic and it was about to go down. Nobody has ever kissed me with as much passion, the tears rolling down her cheeks this stunning woman screaming uncontrollably at you when you are emotionally weak. I walked away but she followed me and got into my taxi as I was leaving, I couldnt bring myself to kick her out, I wanted/needed her to help me with the pain of losing my best friend. The next day she was a completely different person, she confessed her love for me and now everything was going to be different she proclaimed. It was all a little alarming and unsettling. I was extremely wary of letting down my guard. As time went by 3 weeks in total I did just that, I fell completely in love with her. I was on cloud nine, we were talking about the future, where we might go on holidays, she suckered me right in. I was invited by her family to spend the weekend with them she was holding my hand kissing me, looking into my eyes telling me I am the most amazing guy ever. I looked at her and said ‘yeah but Rose when is this going to end?’ She laughed and said ‘I cant always be amazing, sometimes I’m just a complete bitch’ she met my parents soon after. She was emailing me pictures of apartments of where we might move in together etc. (just for the record I had no intention of moving in with her-ever!).

    Three weeks passed of total bliss, my little heart was never so happy. For her birthday I had planned to bring her to one of the best restaurant in town, cocktails before hand and I was looking forward to an amazing night. Little did I know that unfortunately the girl I was in love with was not going to turn up that night but the biggest Antichrist known to mankind was about to turn-up and there was hell to pay, she assaulted me from every angle, berating me, screaming at me, nothing I could say or do did anything, even if she dropped her guard down for two seconds and managed to laugh at something I said there was hell to pay for that also, it was relentless abuse for the entire night. I pleaded with her, tried comforting her, noting worked in the end I refused to take her home and she hurled abuse at me for that also, by the time I got her home (she was abusing me in front of my flatmates), they were startled at this abuse and their jaws were on the floor in shock. I got her into bed and she was screaming at me ‘You dont even want to fu**ing touch me’. I somehow managed to have sex with this Antichrist, I wouldn’t call it sex, her face was down in the pillow because I could barely bring myself to look at her. She left the next morning, disgusted with my presence barely able to bring herself to kiss me goodbye. Two days passed and not a word, I was heart broken, she rang me two days later and I decided to start the ball rolling so I dug incredibly deep and started to apologise for not being more sympathetic for the “terrible” day she had and she started hurling abuse at me, ridiculing me for going to the toilet too often, for trying to make her laugh. Never in all my years had I experienced abuse like this.

    I couldn’t take it any more so I sent her an email breaking it off with her, she then took that email and used it to vilify me in front of her friends and family, trying her hardest to make me out to being an unsympathetic monster.

    A few months passed and not a day went by when I didnt think of her, how could this women who was screaming her undying love for me at my best friends funeral just flip and basically not give a flying fu*k about me now. I felt betrayed. I blocked her number, blocked her emails, blocked her on any device she could possible contact me on. She was turning up to social events where I might be so I avoided going out, she then started rigning me off her work phone so I blocked that too.

    One moment of weakness and copious amounts of alcohol I sent her a text message which then escalated into me calling her every name under the sun and me getting a taxi to her place and spending three consecutive days fighting then screwing, laughing, crying, holding hands etc. She cried in my arms and told me she loved me and wanted to get back together, I refused and after the third day she dropped me home and said ‘I love you with all of my heart and want to be back with you’ I rang her the next day and asked her if she wanted to come over she replied ‘I don’t think that would be a good idea after all those nasty things you said to me’

    I couldn’t believe it, all this again.

    The next time I unfortunately met this mental women was at a wedding, she had vilified me to the point that half her friends could barely bring themselves to talk to me. the other half wanted us together because they knew the real me.

    Somehow somewhere that night we got talking and I ended up in her room, she told me she had missed her period and I was the last person she slept with, 10 minutes later she punched me in the face and then started screaming at me she ‘Fuc*ed some other guy’

    I left the wedding that night drunk and drove home at 2am, I woke up the next day and said to myself ‘I am never ever ever meeting that woman again, she is fuc*ing mental’.

    But you know what? I’m still in love with her and that is as sad as it gets.

    I Googled ‘My girlfriend is volatile and came across BPD and Narcissism, it isn’t just a close fit its her to a tee. So for anyone going trough this I know how you feel. That for me was only one year for any man married to that my heart goes out to you, dump her and move on, fast.

    …and that’s my story folks, hopefully some of you can relate to that level of craziness and abuse. Its actually life threatening, heart braking and you really do start to question your own sanity.

  13. René
    March 13, 2015 at 5:46 pm

    I’m not sure what my ex gf was/is, but one thing is for sure, she never took responsibility for her mistakes. She was pregnant from me, after she cheated on her boyfriend with me, the same guy she cheated on me with. When she was 4 / 5 weeks in she miscarried out child. It hurted me a lot but what hurts me the most is that she blames me for the miscarriage. Never before has someone said something as cruel as that to me. She also made me hide the pregnancy for everyone, even her own uncle & aunt. I could never share the joy of maybe becoming a father, and having a child with the girl that I love. Instead I had to pretend nothing between her and me was going on, and I felt so bad , she was working so hard at work and my job was pretty relaxed. I wanted to help her and often i would try to come up with some excuse to help her and her colleagues out. It was so frustrating. Ive also tried talking to her several times about our child, because one day she wanted our child and the next day the child had to go. Every day i did my best to save a life. I played with her 7 yo daughter, bought her extra food, helped her at her work, try to do some household chores . When i insisted that my parents wanted to help us raising our child, and told her she could name our child and have it with her as often as she wants, she got upset, started insulting my parents and told me i would never get to see my child. I left her place, deeply saddened by her comments. Next day she texted me ”sorry”. Well you can see, she created so much stress that this was doomed to fail, i asked her to cut on the smoking and drinking coffee and pepsi. No, no no was the answer. How does she even dare to blame the miscarriage on me, yes she cried about it and we agreed to try again, but we never had any real sex after that and slowly i was being replaced. Her daughter was so friendly to tell me that she had a new man. well i asked her and she got angry, told me to leave. next day, all was ok. than she told me i wasnt allowed to kiss her anymore, 2 days later we were kissing again. But basically during those last few months she cheated on me twice, left me, never gave me any closure, she insulted me, insults raging from being stupid, to being an evil psycho. Treathening to call the cops on me, no idea why. Her kid is also showing disturbing signs. I can say im the only decent man they both had in their lives. I feel deeply worried about her. Once, shortly after the miscarriage she said that she was crazy, and that she was narcistic. I dont think a narcistic person would ever admit that. yes she knows she is very pretty and you can see by her pictures, its always her on it. No one else. today she is seeing someone way younger, no idea who, she didnt even know his exact age, and yet keeps messing around with this dude that replaced me. to her its normall he sleeps over, i dont care if she is being honest about it on forehand, guys dont sleep over at my girlfriend. Not acceptable. She got angry and had fun making me insecure when i asked her. btw she never went to a psychotherapist, after telling me she made an appointment. to her im the one who is crazy, i went to fast. she once told me she cried often, well later when i asked her if she was ok, because i was worried about her after that comment, she denied it all. she has blocked me more than once on social media, but for some reason she isnt doing that right now. occiasionally i write her but than she would respond in shorts answers, or tell me not to write to her. When i call her she does pick up the phone and answers my questions, what i dont get it. if you hate me so much, because clearly she does. last time i sended her a picture of her dancing and pulling of a funny face and her response was :”asshole”‘ . Nice huh. Anyway, regardless of all this, next week her daughter has her birthday and ill send a homemade birthday card and 10 euro’s. Does the kid deserve it, not sure, her kid insulted me a lot but i think her mother is behind it. thereby her kid is suffering as well from her mothers lifestyle. always weird people around. last year alone she had at least 5/6 different lovers, she doesnt have boyfriends because she never goes public. When i asked her to be my gf, it only lasted a week and her aunt was the only one who knew. It had to be ended because her daughter didnt like it . well as you can see, its one big mess. I think she has borderline because she would also do a lot of pulling and pushing. in the end, nothing i did was good enough. i was only allowed to touch her, if she was ok with it. sometimes the evenings would go like this. dont touch me, no i dont want to kiss, you have to go. so i put my shoes on, my jacket and before i could leave she would pull me over and started making out big time. her behavior, her actions really destroyed me. i still love her to death, but i dont know. I dont think she will ever change. she doesnt understand that what she does is dangerous, especially the unprotected sex. she btw only told me after we had sex, that she stopped taking the pill. only because she asked me if i wanted a child , and i asked her, well you take the bc pill dont you ? than i found out she didnt anymore. No idea why she stopped. I still care about her a lot, and im extremely worried. I check her fb daily, i know i shouldnt but what difference does it make. Her hatred for me wont be gone anywehre soon, if ever. i cant come to terms with everything, why did i deserve this, whats wrong with her, why cant i do something to help her. Is she a borderline or a narcissist? I wish i could help her but i cant. especially after she treatened to call the police on me and i had some guy treatening me. Will she come back one day, because i also dont get it. She doesnt want me to contact her but she picks up my phone calls and doesnt block me.

    • René
      March 13, 2015 at 5:53 pm

      we were together for a few months but i only asked her to be my gf after she miscarried to show her i still love her regardless of what happened. well i wanted to ask her to be my gf a lot earlier but i was scared.

  14. Chris B
    February 15, 2015 at 3:05 pm

    Is anybody on this forum to speak to? Another thing I wanted to note is this,I mentioned that last night I was having my children while she went out round the town drinking with her friend.Before she left she thanked me to which I said “no worries” and tried acting casual and she then kissed me even though she said she did not want to kiss me infront of our little boy.When she got home at 2am she jumped into bed with me and cuddled up to me for a few moments and then went downstairs to sleep feeling rather worse for wear.Now this morning I went back to my flat and she has messaged me asking me to run to the shops for her firstly for some energy drink because of her hangover and now telling me that our boy is playing up and she can’t leave the house to get gas.Would these be considered hoover tactics? so far I have resisted and told her that if we were together then I would have no problem at all bending over backwards for her and her reply was “yeah but we are not”

    • 20yearsin
      February 15, 2015 at 5:11 pm

      What you have here is the usual garden variety of crazy.
      Yes it’s all hoover tactics. To keep you in the loop for unhealthy use of you for material or psychological gain. There are true feelings on her part but but it’s so shallow and lame that you will always plenty more going her way than yours. Her feelings as expressed are grandiose and you should be thankful she offers you those (words usually as it doesn’t translate to actual close and loving behaviors).
      Keep it simple and street/practical smart for yourself without getting all analytical and brainy and realize there is not much but crumbs to be had and and cut the parasite off your heart, because you can’t live your life on a constant feeling of depletion. And she doesn’t care how bad you feel because it’s only her and her drama that she cares about.
      Some people just don’t have it to love, trust, give and construct a good life with happiness and achievement. But they say they want that and but, they expect you to provides 90% of it.
      Probably.
      For now and for street smart, dump the bitch and let her find out in the real world what she had. She can’t learn through your saying. She learn not out of theoretical acceptance and trust but most likely only by experience consequences and out of necessity. So in theory the sooner you cut the love the sooner she could come back changed and healthier.
      Hope this helps.

      • Chris B
        February 15, 2015 at 5:57 pm

        20yearsin Thankyou so much for your reply.I am now into my 5th month since she broke things off with me and I don’t feel like I am improving in the slightest even though I have managed to stay in employment and a friend at work has told me he thinks I am much happier these days.I am witnessing some very disturbing behaviour coming from her.Googling about running away without leaving a note when she has 2 children (no idea if she has them in mind) or even if she has the capacity to follow through.I don’t believe for one moment that this facade that she is putting on about being happy is in fact reality.Her home is a complete and utter state but I won’t bore you with the details.She is taking a vast amount of pro plus tablets and energy drinks.also came across loads of empty paracetemol packets and cocodamol.

        I have been doing an increasing amount of reading on the matter to get me through the days but yet I would take her back in a heart beat if she accepted she needs help.She kind of already has in a roundabout way through posting all these quotes about looking happy on the inside but inside she is dying etc etc.

        A friend of mine said to me earlier that all these little errands she is asking you to do for her sound like a way of making contact with me to get me to go round and spend time with her but like I said she has to realize that I am no longer there to satisfy her every need.All I need to do now is cut out the kissing haha

        • Chris B
          February 15, 2015 at 6:06 pm

          Sorry typo.Looking happy on the outside while inside she is dying I meant.

          Also I kind of feel that because I have told her I believe she has a personality disorder and she needs help is the reason why when I said to her that any kissing and sex can never lead anywhere can it? and she said it can’t. 9 years and we were best of friends and as she said I was her soulmate and could talk to me about anything.Now she treats me like dirt and would rather talk to people who seem to be enabling her in her behaviour. Crazy aint the word

  15. Chris B
    February 14, 2015 at 9:24 am

    Hi guys I am hoping some of you can shed some light on my situation for me please. I am 35 years old and my ex girlfriend is 27.We met when she was 18 and we were together for nearly 9 years up until when I came home from work one day and like a bolt out of nowhere she started screaming at me to leave our home in front of our son making him cry telling me she no longer loves me.

    Just to give you all some background.There were glaring red flags from the day I met her (why did I ignore them? lol) she told me her name was different to what it actually was,she said she drove a car and had passed her test which was a lie and originally I was chatting to a different girl on a website and she went quiet on me and then my now ex popped up on the same phone number claiming that the girl I had been speaking to had committed suicide but she had seen my messages and photos and wanted to get to know me.(glaring red flag)

    There was also mention of abuse from her late father but she would never discuss it and become quite aggressive until I shut up.Throughout our relationship there was a lot of love and admiration from both sides however she did suffer an awful lot with depression which I helped her through.She was ringing up mental services asking to be taken away and sectioned and even asking our next door neighbor for help (she worked for the mental health services),although she always refused the help when offered.

    2 months before splitting with me she wants to marry me again and only a week after splitting with me tells me she loves me always will, then what has happened since has completely knocked me for 6.Complete and utter hatred,most of it directed at me through facebook with her new found bum friends who love nothing more than a daily gossip.I also have been subjected to being told she was sleeping with someone else behind my back and I could never satisfy her etc etc but upon further questioning she then changes the whole story to the guy tried to kiss her.

    I came across a notebook in her house whilst I was round visiting my 2 children one day where she had wrote on it “Bitches bible” and was writing all sorts of quotes and things about this new found love she has met on the internet. “my happy ever after” “I love his voice” “oh so you think long distance relationships are stupid? well I would rather have someone perfect for me and put up with the distance than be with someone who lives closer and is a douche bag”. She posts quotes on her messenger apps saying things like “There’s a special place in my heart for the ones when they were with me at my lowest and still loved me when I wasn’t very lovable”.

    She has also made it very difficult for me to see my children since the split but maintains it was all my doing and she is playing the victim to everyone who will listen making me out to be the bad guy but yet tells a different story when we are alone.The situation now is I am seeing my children on a regular basis which I am over the moon about.Last weekend she came round to my flat and we kissed each other.I told her I love her and would always be there for her and she told me she would always love me but the day after she went straight back to playing her games on facebook again. I had one moment of clarity a few weeks back where I knelt down in front of her and I said “it’s ok I forgive you,I know you can’t help how you have treated me” and she started crying and said she doesn’t deserve it.

    So today I have my son with me and we are having a great time together and tonight I get to look after both my son and daughter so she can go out and have a night out with her friends.Yes I love her more than I have ever loved anyone in my life but I am at a point now where I feel I need to move on and take stock off myself and ask myself if I could ever have a future with this girl unless she carries on denying she has a problem and needs help.I am fully prepared for her to meet another guy but I know deep down she will do exactly the same thing to him so I am just going to sit back and watch.

    So guys what do you think? I have my opinions and I know it is wrong to self diagnose but my god the signs are there

  16. Grant
    January 19, 2015 at 4:45 pm

    Guys – I posted here a while back describing my girlfriend and the problems with our relationship (Her)

    I claimed that I had broken free and felt like I had accomplished a lifetime goal.
    Well…..Stupidly, I fell for her tricks again.

    She said she would change, I believed it. Obviously things were great when we both got back together but then things started to change again and I was soon feeling anxious, depressed and generally down about my whole life. Simple tasks like going to the mall or going to work…It was ALWAYS there making me feel down. I never was suicidal or even thought about it, but when I met this girl, I have suffered ever since with my mental state.

    We’d spoke about buying our first house together and she even challenged my commitment towards her by discussing marriage. This really made my stomach churn. I panicked.

    Anyhow – We have had arguments (Who would have thought it!) but as we all know – THEY ARE ALWAYS RIGHT. I promised to love her like she always asked me to (Even though I was a diamond to her in my eyes) but no matter what I did, said or tried – I was always wrong and she was always right (Obviously)

    She got between my family. She stopped me enjoying life. She made me feel like I didn’t know who I was anymore. I still don’t….I’m lost in a bubble. I know that’s a cliche but I truly do feel like I’m just floating around in limbo.

    I even get jealous now when I see guys in genuinely happy relationships surrounded by their extended family having fun. I could never have that with mine….She was toxic and absolutely loved conflict.

    So now I’m here….Fighting the urge to text back just to confirm that I am 100% ready for this. I am ending it right here, right now. I can’t text her to tell her because that is her fuel to keep contacting me. I know what I have to do…..But until people have been in this situation it is impossible to understand. She is seriously dangerous in my eyes. Non stop cell phone calls, texts etc.

    Please give me the strength guys……I know I will NEVER be happy with her.
    Theres always that part of me that “Feels sorry for her”

    I need to be strong – She has made me weak.
    I would rather go to jail so I was physically unable to have any form of contact with her.

  17. Brian
    January 17, 2015 at 1:19 am

    I married a Histrionic woman, married for 13 years.. mostly hell. Having never heard of the behavior, the formal definition fits her 95% of the time Most everything posted in this article is accurate. End result two affairs broken home with me filing for divorce. Thirty days days after I left she moved with my kids with another man 15 years older.

    • 20yearsin
      January 17, 2015 at 5:55 am

      They are wacked in the head, natural experts at uusing and abusing the most vulnerable people around them, namely their mate and children. They are making no sense in their behaviors, wanting more from their mate, yet putting him or her down reducing their ability to be productive. They are animals with no head and no tail. The good news is that they eventually leave you and the training you received in being a punching ball soon dissipates and you realize that’s not what or who you wanted in your life. And that is a wonderful moment of recouped identity and freedom ( in general and from them). Divorce is the ultimate solution as they don’t/can’t change in most cases. And the wheel turns and soon they are in a relationship with kids that are not theirs and a dad that eventually tells them to get lost. So they try to come back around. That is when if you reject them the relationship is emotionally over. Halleluyah.

  18. Rick
    December 24, 2014 at 7:46 pm

    I have read a lot of these comments and situations. Needless to say I am currently (I believe) stuck in a revolving door with one. I also believe my mother is a Narcissistic woman. I myself am suffering from PTSD and can seem to bring myself out of this relationship, I just continue to take the abuse. I almost committed suicide a few days back after a long NPD rant over talking with a 20plus year old friend over my problems with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend, once again calling our relationship quits. I am in therapy, and eventually get better to a point, then the girlfriend comes and just sucks me back into a relationship, only to push me further and further to the edge. I don’t know how much more I can take. I did want to take the time to thank you for having this page, it has helped a lot, one, knowing I am not alone, and two, that maybe there is hope for me in the long run. I am so hoping she is gone for good this time, but I am afraid she will be back, and I know I am too weak not to get sucked back in. But thanks again.

    • December 26, 2014 at 8:11 pm

      The only way to please my narcissistic ex partner is to praise her and show her admiration but not over do it and then walk away with a big smile on your face thinking you gullible twat everything i just said to you was a lie and you believed it this will eventually get the jist of doing this on a day to day basis you will become numb to what you have to do to keep the piece but never expect genuine love,guilt,remorse or respect because you will never attain it because in the narcissists eyes you will always be second best keep me posted rick thanks from antony

    • December 26, 2014 at 8:30 pm

      and yes i have bad this push and pull relationship with my ex for ten years i have been through hell and are still in it now rick the best way to deal with your ex is to do what i have said i do in my last reply but you have to try and make up excuses that ur not going to be at home if she decides to turn up you have to be abit clever and strategic with this as you dont want to blow it all up with her round at your door she will soon get bored like my partner did and she will then move onto her next victim my advise is that you should never do no contact to the extreme as this can sometimes rage them so just a message a week or email can keep them off your back but just keep it simple and basic then if she starts messaging quite alot make an excuse that your busy and you speak again soon but soon to could mean anytime or in the distant future not at all when shes not getting anything from you anymore week by week just fizzle out the messages and then stop do not ring her by any means got she will get you hooked again at least with text and email you can be basic and boring as you want to be and sbe will notice this and she will think to herself theres nothing her for me so i might aswell move on hope this helps as it is working for me and has been cor around 4 months now and i still get to see my kids

  19. antony
    December 14, 2014 at 5:01 pm

    hi guys im 29 years old and my ex girlfriend is 26 years old we have been together since teenagers im writing this as i feel for you guys on here so im going to tell you my situation i will fast track the start abit we have been together for ten years when i first met her she was the chase me chase sort of girl so like an idiot i chased and chased and my feelings in her eyes never counted and never did all through 10 years, my ex partner is the bullying manipulative sort of girl that is in it for only her own feelings and always has and always will

    sometimes there we the fits of rages only very occasionally like her mobile phone would be thrown on the floor and she would start hitting me and punching me

    then the cheating started around 4 times even caught her at the back of a pub with her pants down on one occasion

    then all the lying started and it wasnt just lying it was fantasist lying and then when i would find out for myself that she didnt cover her tracks right well then she would make out it was all my fault and that i drove her to it.

    for all of 10 whole years ive done nowt but be a welcome rug to this girl to bully,lie to,cheat on and manipulate

    all i ever did was love care and help this girl from the word go

    i never in my life believed that the girl who i fell in love with could be so evil,disgusting and horrible to me and still only now will only offer me a five letter word sorry but if i only ask for an apology

    she would never in her wildest dreams ever say sorry to me without me asking for it

    i think she has some sort of personality disorder possible a sociopath or a narcisist

    ive manged to get her to see a doctor for depression tablets which she is taking and have also manged to get her to see a councillor so whether she turns up will be a mystery

    i can bleat on at my ex until the cows come home and tell her the hell she has put me through over 10 years and she listens and she will tell me i know i know what i have done

    but never seems to want to change or get help with her problem that i have convinced her that she might have so im at a loose end ive just basicly given up and moved out of hers and got my place

    the sad thing is here we have 2 beautiful kids together my daughter is 20 months old and my son is 8 years old my ex partner still loves me very much but i think that she knows that she will never change and that she cant or atleast wont even try to

    i think that some people are so set int here ways that there scared that they might even be a better person if theydid change and that in her heart she might love me that much that she doesnt want to hurt me anymore and that she has to let me go

    i do also think that after a break up your ex girlfriend is either already with someone when your breaking up or she has someone in mind and that they lean towards there idiot friends but im a great believer in shitty people attract shitty friends and future boyfriends and that my ex partner will go through life kidding herself that she has changed but will use the next guy and the next guy and the one after that it all about her own feelings and never theres to her its all bullying and manipulation that in the end leads her to have different fathers to my kids or will go to destroy another child with another guy

    so basicly what im saying guys is be extra vigilant towards any particular woman you may

    met in life that has horrible and evil characteristics that my ex partner has that i have

    mentioned above just wake up and stay away because whenyour in like i was sometimes theres no escaping the one you love and you end up with nothing in the end and have had your sanity tested beyond anything imaginable

    so thanks for reading and hope you guys out there end up happy again in your lifes

    and hope this is a learning curve for the next possible victim of a possible soiciopath or narcasistic woman

    take care all thanks from antony

  20. G
    December 9, 2014 at 1:51 am

    What I ve read on the Internet about narcissism over the last month my girlfriend fits the bill 99.9 percent . I’m gutted but would like to have a bit of advise on the best 1st step I can take ? I love her and she is pregnant, I won’t be taking the easy option and will probably try anything to make it work until the point it’s ruined me. Bit scared after reading things on the Internet there’s nothing that can be done, if so I d like to know any damage limitation advice for me , her and our unborn child. At the moment it’s seems I’m going to have to defend my character at the expense of hers which is what I want to avoid

    • 20yearsin
      December 10, 2014 at 10:40 pm

      It’s likely with the added stress of life and taking care of a child she will crack and be acting out more within 6 months of giving birth. You have to abandon her now as she will you in the near future. Some people are just not relationship material( not functional relationship that is), marriage material or long time committed partners. you are entering a world of pain and disappointment if you go forward, a child will be a tool used to control you further ( yes, there is much further to go downhill than you can begin to imagine). Children like everyone else are just an extension of themselves which they somehow don’t respect much, soon neglect, and are good to be used only. Crazies are fairly devoid of true feelings or affection toward others.
      Your best chance for a relationship with her is to street-wise kick her to the curb for unreasonable behaviors and hold firm your boundaries on which she has to crash to respect them. and she will test you however possible. She has to fall apart on your rigidity to seek help on her own. and don’t tell her she is crazy she will rear up against that. she has to come to that conclusion on her own, intrinsically or it is worthless if she doesn’t put her motivational drive to it. Like they say you can’t change people. You might be able to help that but you can’t carry the will alone.
      Just my opinion, but I don’t know how bad off she is.
      Good luck

      • December 26, 2014 at 8:48 pm

        I meant the guy above sorry not below great comment and great info thanks antony

    • December 26, 2014 at 8:43 pm

      Great comment from the guy below you will only be binned off after you have your new born you might aswell get out of the relationship now while you can so you dont have to dissapoint your child at an older age e.g 2 years old or something best your child gets used to it now that your sanity been doubly tested in the future hope this helps its just my opinion of course im just at that point with my ex now and have a 20 month old daughter i kind of wish i had left my ex before she was born but my son however is used to his mum kicking me into touch as and when she feels like it i just think you would save double the insanity and double the stress as if your partner is a narc you will never win you will always be regarded as secondbest in love,respect,empathy etc everything really as its always about them you end up loving someone like me for the last 10 years that i know will never love me or anything hope this helps thanks antony

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