The Abusive Woman: You Can’t Reason with a Crazy Person
Why does she act this way? Why does she treat me like this? Why did she say that? Why can’t she be nice? Why? Why? Why?
The short answer is: Because she’s crazy. You’ll make yourself crazy if you try to find meaning in her meaningless and casually cruel behaviors. Most of us try to understand the world in which we live to varying degrees. It’s human nature to search for meaning, particularly when there’s no ready explanation for certain phenomena.
We go to therapy, we pray, we meditate and we conduct scientific research to try to understand why. I believe a life without meaning isn’t worth living but, sometimes, in certain situations and with certain people, there is no greater meaning to be found other than they just. . . suck.
When your wife or girlfriend treats you badly, you want to understand why. You ask yourself:
- Is she having a bad day?
- Did you do something wrong?
- What can you do differently?
- Maybe she doesn’t realize the way she’s treating you is hurtful and if you tell her she’ll stop?
These are good questions to ask if you’re involved with an emotionally healthy and grounded woman. However, if you’re involved with an emotionally abusive bully/professional victim, a Narcissist a Borderline or another abuse prone personality type, asking the above questions will get you nowhere. In fact, if you try to discuss these matters with her, she’ll probably blame you and become more abusive, which will make you feel more confused and a little nuts.
The bottom line is YOU CAN’T REASON WITH A CRAZY PERSON. Emotionally abusive women want to control you and they do it by making you feel bad. That’s all the “meaning” there is to be found.
Psychology has created diagnostic labels to identify and make sense of the full spectrum of crazy behaviors of emotionally abusive people. Some explanations for their behavior include biological bases, early childhood trauma/abuse or that their behavior is learned.
At best, these explanations are inadequate. At their worst, these explanations give bullies and emotional predators a free pass to treat others like crap, usually without any consequences. She had a tough childhood, so you have to be patient with her. She was abused by a family member, so you have to forgive, tolerate and learn how NOT to trigger her crazy and hurtful side. Give me a break.
I have a tremendous amount of sympathy for children who are actively being abused. However, I’ve zero sympathy for adults with abuse histories who have grown up to abuse other adults, their children and won’t take responsibility for their behaviors because “they have problems.” That “why” just doesn’t fly.
There are lots of men who had troubled childhoods and don’t believe the rules of society apply to them. Many of them end up in jail. Women with similarly bad childhoods and equally bad adult behaviors are generally protected, enabled, and occasionally rewarded by Psychology and the legal system. It’s a double standard.
For example, your wife goes off on a tear, screaming obscenities at you and your children. Instead of saying, “that’s not ok,” you and your kids feel bad about upsetting her and try to figure out how to make her happy—often with the help of a therapist. * This is a separate topic, but if there are child(ren) involved, what are you teaching them about adult relationships? That it’s ok to abuse others to get your rocks off, because you’re upset or to get what you want?
Instead of protecting yourself from the crazy person, the emotional predator, and the bully; you protect her and serve yourself up on a platter. You can try to understand this. You can try to make meaning out of it, but what does it solve? She’s still crazy and hurtful. Do the reasons “why” really matter?
Instead, ask yourself WHY you’re compelled to understand this woman and her crazy behavior. Why are you compelled to stay in this relationship? What does it mean about you if you can’t get this woman to be kind to you? Understand your own reasons for being in this relationship and then decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.
Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
If you find the information I provide free of charge helpful and valuable here on Shrink4Men, please consider making a donation via PayPal to help me maintain the site.
Banging my head against a wall by brownhorse on flickr.
- “Say Goodbye to Crazy” to Be Released for Pre-order on Valentines Day
- Going Mental with Dr Tara Palmatier and Paul Elam: Abusive Women, Smart Men, Bad Choices
- In His Own Words: Mother or Monster?
- In His Own Words: Heeding Childhood Lessons
- In His Own Words: The Making of a Knight in Shining Armor
- In His Own Words: A Real Time Cry for Help
- In His Own Words: Summer from Hell
- In His Own Words: Sex, Lies and Videotape
- In His Own Words: Dodging a Bullet
- In His Own Words: The Monster Behind the Beautiful Mask
- In His Own Words: Princess Turns into a Poisonous Toad
- In His Own Words: A BPD Mom and a Recently Divorced Custody Evaluator Walk into a Courtroom . . .
- In His Own Words: Dangerous Crazy Bitch Ahead
- In His Own Words: Another VAWA Success Story
- In His Own Words: One Brownie, Hold the Nuts
- In His Own Words: Violent Alcoholic Wife Attacks (VAWA)
- In His Own Words: Living a Nightmare
- Domestic Violence Awareness Month: Men Are the Invisible Victims
- MWT Radio Tonight: Lake Tantrum Special with James Mongiat
- In Defense of James Mongiat (Soon-to-Be_Ex-Husband of the Lake Tantrum Lady
A Shrink for Men Blogs
- How to be a successful Narcissist in 5 easy steps! bit.ly/2aiDME6 https://t.co/xqjyYw1TKr 6 months ago
- RT @TheCrazyBusters: Is @TheCrazyBusters right for you? bit.ly/29MYyiP 6 months ago
- RT @TheCrazyBusters: Welcome to CrazyBusters! Bye-bye to the narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths in your life! bit.ly/29MYyiP 6 months ago
- Please check out @TheCrazyBusters twitter.com/TheCrazyBuster… 6 months ago
- Inspirational Facebook memes #Redflag #DomesticViolenceAwareness #DatingMistakesMenMake #dating #Datingadvice http://t.co/DxmHfCZVUQ 1 year ago