Traumatic Love: Is Your Narcissistic or Borderline Wife or Girlfriend Making You Sick?
Do you have trouble sleeping? A perpetual knot in your stomach? Do you experience chronic indigestion or gastrointestinal pain? Do you get stress headaches? Are you afraid to let your guard down with your significant other? Do you censor yourself because you’re afraid to speak the truth to your girlfriend or wife?
If so, you may have developed a trauma response from being involved in an abusive relationship. Stated more simply, you’re suffering post-traumatic stress from being involved with an abusive narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, sociopathic or non-pathological insecure and controlling woman.
Trauma, whether it’s physical or emotional, develops in two ways. It can be caused by a single, isolated event like being mugged, a horrific car accident or a natural disaster. Trauma can also develop from ongoing, chronic, relentless stress such as being in a war, being bullied at work or being in an abusive relationship.
Can you really compare being involved with an abusive woman to water-boarding, jail, hurricanes, and war?
Absolutely. Being emotionally and/or physically abused by these women can have the same effects as being in a war or a cataclysmic event. Combat, torture, imprisonment, tsunamis, and life with a controlling abusive woman share the following characteristics:
- It’s unpredictable.
- It has the element of the unexpected.
- You feel powerless to control your environment.
- The psychological or physical abuse is repetitive.
- It’s intentionally cruel.
- The abuse occurs in a setting or is inflicted by someone whom you once trusted and with whom you felt safe.
Being emotionally abused by the woman you love, who supposedly loves you, is experienced as betrayal and a fundamental violation of trust. Betrayal trauma is caused by emotionally abusive behaviors like gaslighting, mood swings, verbal attacks, rages, alienating your child(ren) from their normal affection toward you (Parental Alienation), being nice to you only to lure you in closer for another emotional sucker punch and/or physical abuse.
Being attracted to crazy, abusive women and being predisposed to trauma share many of the same risk factors. An abusive relationship causes psychological trauma and the same reasons you became involved in an abusive relationship also prime you for developing trauma. Because you experienced emotional trauma as a child, you’re attracted to adult relationships that recreate these conditions. It’s a vicious circle.
Some of the these factors include:
- Having emotionally or physically abusive parents (e.g., they were overly critical, intrusive, neglectful and/or violent).
- Being a parentified child (having to take care of your parent(s)’ emotional and/or physical needs instead of your parent(s) taking care of you).
- Having unresolved childhood or adolescent abandonment issues.
- Having a painfully traumatic first love experience in adolescence or early adulthood with an abusive woman.
- Being the target of childhood bullying.
- Being chronically ill in childhood, which may have led you to develop a dependent personality.
What’s the difference between PTSD and Betrayal Trauma?
The primary difference between PTSD and betrayal trauma is fear vs. anger. Historically, PTSD is considered to be caused by extreme fear; betrayal trauma is thought to be caused by anger. Both evoke a fight or flight response.
However, prolonged repetitive emotional abuse can create a third response. If you can’t fight (i.e., because your abusive wife/girlfriend twists reality, blames you for everything and puts you in no-win situations) or can’t or won’t take flight (i.e., dump her warped ass) you default to the third response. You numb out, shut down and experience a pervasive sense of profound learned helplessness.
When most people are hurt or betrayed by someone, they get angry, possibly end the relationship and steer clear of him or her in the future. However, if you’re predisposed to relationships with abusive women and trauma, it’s not in your nature to respond to hurtful behaviors the way most people do.
At first, you may experience denial and disbelief that the woman you love could treat you so callously and cruelly. Then you essentially ignore her abusive behaviors. You minimize and excuse her indefensible behavior, almost seeming to forget the most vitriolic verbal attacks and rages. In fact, you really may not remember the worst of it.
Men who have developed a trauma response actually dissociate during the most bitter attacks. Dissociation is a defense mechanism in which your conscious mind shuts down, like when she’s screaming at you and you go someplace else in your head. After her rage has subsided, you actually can’t remember what happened. Your mind took you away to protect you from the abuse.
In order to protect yourself, you block out and forget the abuses (a form of psychogenic amnesia) in order to maintain the relationship. It’s a sort of “functional forgetting” or selective memory to protect you from the cognitive dissonance of being with this woman. However, there are psychological and physical consequences to ignoring the painfully obvious.
If you didn’t make excuses for, minimize, forget or deny the pain you experience because of her crazy, hurtful behaviors, then you would have to end the relationship. These are more defense mechanisms you probably developed as a child to protect yourself from the people who loved you. They helped you survive as a child, but as an adult, they’re enabling you to stay in an abusive relationship in which you’re emotionally and psychologically traumatized.
Next week, I’ll post the second part of this post. I’ll explain the three categories of symptoms you may experience as a result of staying in an abusive relationship: physical, psychological, and interpersonal.
Meanwhile, if you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, please consider the harm you’re doing to yourself by not ending it. You’re an adult now. You don’t need to depend on this crazy woman like you had to depend on your parents for survival. You can break the psychological dependence and walk or run away.
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries or send an email to shrink4men@gmail.com.
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Related content:
25 Signs your Narcissistic or Borderline Wife or Girlfriend is Traumatizing You
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Shrink4Men 
I’m going to be sick.
Every one of these abusive behaviors is daily life with my BPD wife.
She denies it, viciously responding when I tell her to stop screaming at me with “well if you weren’t a retarded peice of shit it wouldn’t happen, everyone hates you kill yourself”
She’s convinced me it’s all my fault and my self worth has been lost deep within the earth’s crust. I had no idea, thinking back, every conversation we’ve ever had has been laced with manipulation and emotional blackmail, gaslighting, bunny boiling , bullying and monstrously horrifying fits of psychotic rage are acted out on a daily basis followed by a week of the cold shoulder if I stand up for myself. People at work have started to question my home life, “why do you love it here so much? You always volunteer for overtime, why don’t you want to go home?” When asked my anxiety apparently clearly goes through the roof because the truth dawns on me and I choke up, faltering in my facade of happy, hard working “mood lifting always a pleasure to work with Taylor” and forces me to come clean about the perpetual fucking abusive nightmare my life truly is, I don’t tell them anything specific but I’ve told a close friend about just one instance, fudging details lessening the harsh reality, making it sound not as bad as it is, and he was appalled. Honestly it’s so bad, you wouldn’t believe me if I did go into detail. Idk what to do I was abused as a child and have too much empathy, yet I hate myself so much I don’t care to do what’s necessary to live a happy life. All my actual friends have been alienated as I don’t have a phone and am the only time outhat of the house or not at work I get is when the fighting gets to bad and I have to leave for a while, (usually after a physical altercation that occurs when she won’t let me, screaming and pushing me, finally when I have a full blown panic attack and freak out and literally run away from her in an attempt to escape, she claims I attacked her and to this day makes claims that I hit her and tells people about it, when in reality if I had hit her she would have had her whole face blown out being as I’m a 250lb hairy man beast) currently I’m locked in the bedroom hoping she doesn’t come in here and see this. And she just blew the door open “what are you fucking playing with yourself? Fucking retard I’m leaving you” came in with more abusive behavior she doesn’t recognize as abusive my life is a fucking nightmare please someone idk if I’m too weak or stupid to save myself idk what to do. I swear on my worthless life every word of this is true she literally did this as I’m typing half in tears frantically to reach out to someone I know it’s pathetic
My Ex-girl friend was an expert at “splitting”. Most days she loves me, and every couple of weeks, a raging lunatic who hates me, calling me every name you could think of. These episodes were all “explained” using benign euphemisms, like she was “acting out,” or she was “upset” or “stressed.” All words describing a three year old, not someone (59).
She also would employ rationalizations, like false equivalencies. She would say, “Well, you get angry too!” And, she of course, is right. Doesn’t everyone get angry, once in while, at something? But, the severity, is the difference. I may get mildly angry at something and in a minute it’s over. She, can get so angry that she will actually wants to jump out of a moving car screaming obscenities.
Lastly, there is proportionality. If you are going to get really upset, crying, screaming and wild anger. That’s fine, only if there is a reason for all that drama. (the ship is sinking) With my ex. there was, most of the time, no rational reason at all for an anger response. I poured her a cup of coffee at breakfast on vacation once, and she so lost her temper she insisted on leaving the entire vacation. Or, I didn’t finish a bowel of soup. There was no particular trigger, no rationality, no way I could prevent the next meltdown/temper tantrum.
I never realized that there are some really crazy people out there that need to be avoided. For her, she was fine for the first six months, and then it all started. I loved her and thought that it would somehow get better, but it just got worse, the frequency and the meltdowns. The deal breaker, after five years and many break ups, was when she actually threatened to jump out of my car, going thirty miles and hour. I just realized that had she jumped and the police were called, or I had to bring her to the hospital, the first thing they would ask me is, “Where you having a fight?” And then, “Had she ever done this before?” The answer was, many times. So, really, I had plenty of warnings. It was on me, to put and end to it, before something bad really happened.
Now, of course, she’s writing every day and trying to get me back. It’s beyond sad. I want to help her, but any contact and she just see’s it as me wanting back into the relationship. I’m concerned she will do something to herself. Everyone tells me it’s not responsibility, which is right from an objective standpoint, but I care about her, and obviously, not objective.
So glad I found this… thank you. Thank you, thank you… I am starting to make sense of it all now. It was not all my fault. I will post in full another day.
Jesus wept! Thank you, 10000 times. Ongoing over 22 years. There is a light and its not a loco (‘scuse me) motive.
Dr t,
My wife is diagnosed with Boarderline PD. she is always freaking out about something. Always a big catastrophe. Like lapse in our insurance and she is crying. Last year she was threatening suicide and drinking while I was employed as a A&D counselor. Her mental illness was so off the rails I had to resign from my job to take care of our two boys 3 and 2. We have been married for just over a year but together for about 6. I think the day we got married she went down the rabbit hole. Now I’m planning on returning to work after not working six months and she is calling me a liar because I supposedly said we could have another baby.. She had her birth control removed without telling me.. Last thing I want is another baby.. Anyways she’s always starting fights and freaking out. Says she has bpd and can’t help it.. I feel trapped with these two boys who need a mom and this crazy woman who sometimes acts loving but more and more is a psycho… Do I stay for the kids? Are the boys gonna be okay if I do stay? I’m miserable and she has it so I can’t work. Her plan for the future is to get on SSI. Last time she left with the boys she accused me of molesting my 3 year old son.. I only found out threw his pediatrician. Yet I still took her back. First she says she was sorry now she denies she ever accused me.. If I leave she says she will kill herself. Or she may accuse me of more crazy shit.. Question is, should I leave her?
I don’t think Dr. T checks this site anymore, her new one is shrink4men.com. But from the point of view of someone who works with co-dependent people and their issues, you need to run. BPD women can and will make you sick. They are incapable of change. Just leave. Document every single shred of emotional abuse. Document everything. Record your interactions (especially when she is violent, abusive and crazy). Document your written exchanges, you will need all this evidence in a court of law (custody hearing). Good luck. Remember that this isn’t your fault, you just fell for a BPD/Narcisistic. These people do not change. They are incapable of doing so because this isn’t a chemical imbalance like a schizoaffective disorder (Bipolar, Schizophrenia), this is a personality disorder.
Thanks, Harriet. I’m still here, but more often on the forum and newer site. And good advice to Nate.
I have a way worse problem. I fell in love with a borderline, sociopath, that used to be an alcoholic but now she’s turned to meth. . I showed her this site about how to tell if she is a bully. She flipped out and threw my phone into the wood stove. Needless to say after years of fighting I’ve decided to leave The marriage. Now she’s trying flip it around and saying she’s leaving me. I thought I was going crazy till I read this and explained my wife’s actions to the t. Thanks for putting things into perspective.
I’m sorry you had to go through another rage episode. if you’d read a little more of the site (and to anyone just finding the site reading this), if you think your girlfriend or wife fits the descriptions of abuse and personality disorders on this site, DO NOT SHOW IT TO THEM. They are not going to have an epiphany and see the light and get help. They will flip it around and use it against you. If you think your partner is an abusive, crazy, personality disordered individual, quietly figure out how to protect yourself and the children (if there are any), do your due diligence (e.g., retaining an attorney if married, finding a safe place to go) and get out and don’t look back.
Thanks. Im currently working on moving out. I feel like I’ll have to arrange a moving out party while she is at work. Anyway the more I read your posts and other people’s post I’ve realized and have accepted things will never be the same. It’s to bad 10 yrs of marriage ended up like this. Thank you for the insight.. I wish there was a way to afford your services .I could sure use some counseling.
She did try flipping it around tottally and said that it’s me . but I know better . so do I seriously just up and get out without warning.
This was a really great article to read, i’ve been reading many like this lately.
I’m a 52 yr old guy who’s just got out of a 12 yr Relationship with a most gorgeous,charming,talented ‘princess’ of a woman, who basically took my life apart.
Borderline or Narcissist, i can’t make my mind up, evil definately, she is busy now assassinating my character, filing claims against me, I’ve just been convicted of domestic abuse and fined. I would have called it self defence but since i didn’t report the incident to the police and she did i’m the one at fault. Apparently it’s fine to spit in my face, punch me in the mouth,scream and yell at me in front of my 6 month old daughter but when i pushed her out of my face i was commiting domestic violence. Guys, you have to report the incident, no-matter how petty, not necessarily file charges but definately report. I am now seen as a violent character by all of our old circle of friends, oh yeah, she recruited them all in, I haven’t seen my daughter for over 5 months, and still no light at the end of the tunnel, my parenting skills are being called into question, and the lies and fabrications the exagérations and inaccuracies are still coming.
I went into that shell like state, stayed at work hours longer, endured seven years of being called a loser, gay, incompitent, dysfunctional, depressive, couldn’t get rid of the bitch though, she wouldn’t go, not until she got a baby out of me, and now she still wants to destroy me !
Bitching about it changes nothing but I bet there’s not a single one of us who would look at this site during the Relationship, retrospectively yeah, when you’re mentally backed into a corner, no way, I’m only finding out now, that won’t help my daughter, growing up with a monster ,
Dude I know exactly what your talking about. My wife is the same way and I too have been marked as the abuser. She plays the victim well. I see the light now. And my opinion to myself and others reading is even when things seem to well for a week or two just because she’s throwing bits of attention or affection like a fricken dog treat don’t mean she’s changed . she’s still the same cold-hearted psycho bitch from hell. I’ve seen the patterns over and over, I’ve studied different possibilitys of her being, a sociopath, Narcissistic, borderline, to manic depressive bi-polar. My wife fit in to every one of them. Needless to say my brother in combat ….Leave and Don’t Look back. aren’t you ready to live life instead of being someones puppet.
I have recently left an abusive relationship, in the years up to my escape I was at the doctors office for numerous health issues, inexplicable skin conditions, high blood pressure, sleep problems, the list is long and the doctors were baffled, six months after my deliverance I was in fine shape and passed my physical with flying colours, it’s amazing what extreme prolonged stress can do to you.
This article is really eye opening. I was dumped my npd ex 2 months ago and now she is in a relationship with a rich guy. she is 36 and a mother of 2 and is trying to be a pin up model. our entire relationship ( 2.5. years)from begning to end was about her looks and ego. She guilted me , accused me every single day of cheating and convinced me I am a peice of crap.Mind you she is divorced and get about 30k a month in alimony and child support never worked and was pampered. I made 800 a week and spent all my $$$ on her to keep her happy. Looking back now I am thankful she dumped me and cheated on me. I tried so hard to make her happy. She was always jealous of me as I am not an ugly guy but she could never handle anyone giving me attention instead of her.I supported her pursuit of modeling but didnt support the fb comments by the pig men on fb. The comments were heart wrenching and vulgar. I voiced my complaints and she continued to pursue them and she would never acknowledge me as her bf on fb. this new guy is on fb as her bf.( who she knew before she met me, I am convinced she was talking to him the entire time we were together). I was involved in a car accident a month after the break up and she blocked me while I was in the emergency room. she accused me of being with another girl. I look back now and I am begining to love myself again. I am still shamed , disrespected and disgraced by this person. Publically on fb , and infront of my family and freinds. I have never been continually cut down so deep before like this. I have read about 15 articles on this site and each one has helped me make sense of the past 2.5 years. thank you. I will continue to be a member on this site and support it.
sincerely,
NYCguy
Me: 62 years old, SSDI because of treatment resistant rapid cycling bipolar illness. My wife; 67, married 17 years, lived together 3 years, no children. Alcoholic, mood swings, been telling me for years she’s not interested in sex, history of verbal abuse, dislikes my friends, both of whom live in the midwest and I talk with two to three times a week, never had any interest in learning about my illness, though I was on a psych unit of the hospital where she worked, wouldn’t change health plans so I could find a more competent psychiatrist…I’ve pretty much hit the highlights.
And I saw she was trouble from the time we started dating. I was needy and lonely and she was(and still is) a beautiful, sexy woman but oh so effed up! BUT I SAW THE DANGER SIGNS and walked right into the spinning propeller! It has been twenty years of hell. When I was working, I knew I could survive, financially, but as I got sicker and went from full time to a part time job, life at home became more uncomfortable. I no longer have any libido, I have digestive problems, migraines every few weeks. I do believe much or all of those would resolve if I left, though it’s damn near impossible to live on $600 per month. I will prevail, though. Getting new health insurance, thanks to Medicare, and getting back my former primary who went into private practice and knows my whole story. However, I did leave her three years ago and stopped by the house because I still had her car keys. She ‘honey’ and ‘deared’ me and told me things would change and how she loved me so. My parents would be ashamed of me because they were clear headed, worldly and wise. My dad was strong, confident and wouldn’t put up with bs from anyone. They taught me well but I didn’t listen. Why is it so hard to leave something that makes you miserable, sick and unhappy? More and more I keep thinking about leaving her a note and walking out when she’s gone for the day, just like the song, “By The Time I Get To Phoenix”.
I have experienced the symptoms mentioned.. I was involved with her for 13months,, I’m so hurt inside, I don’t know why, she continously accused me of cheating on her, when in the end she went into my wallet found a stupid card to a salon where a female cut ny hair, and said I was sleeping with her.. she called the police and the police were aware of her status… I need to move on, it hurts cause my feelings for her, but I know God wants this for me… for 2 weeks now I have trouble sleeping. Its hard to believe she turned on me so quick, she’s already involved with someone else… I feel so down, but I am slowly making progress… thank you,Julian Mondragon
I was married for 6 years, it was a nightmare from the day we married, once I put the ring on her hand, The abuse started, telling me what jobs I can apply for, who i can assccoiate, when, and the list continued, the friends that I had made whilst living in the UK at the time that me meet and got married slowly faded, Over the years I became isolated and felt trapped,I would call back home to see how my family, Mom Dad, etc where doing or they would call me, and well during the conversations my ex wife would hurl abuse at me well i would be on the phone. In all honesty i cant really remember when last she had actually said a decent thing to me.
During our married years and with my experiance i started off a transport company, worked hard and gave her what she wanted when she wanted, that still was not eneough for her, I was forced to sell to business 3 years later to save my marriage, I did hope to get it back on track, 9 months later she asked me to leave.
My son was 3 going on 4 and my daughter was only 14 months at the time, I tried working it out with her, going to marriage counselling for 6 months, but in the end it failed, When I finally moved out the, it made it worse, she did not want me, but would not let me go.
Today 4 years on and with the recession I have lost evey, home, kids struggled to find work as unemployment is the transport industry is so bad. I finally decided to return home to South Africa with just the clothes on my back, I have one day left.
This is just the very tip of the Iceberg,and i will honestly admit that, i have scars that run deep, now I dont trust any women at all.
I am almost certain my ex-husband had / has NPD (or Histrionic Personality Disorder, it lies somewhere between the two) having spent two years researching Narcissism / Histrionic / Anti-social personality disorders upon the advice of my therapist, as the saying goes, ‘if it walks and talks like a duck, chances are…’ After 10 years of marriage, I had to leave or die. At times, the 2nd option would have been easier…
I came across this site, and I have to say that if you believe your current partner / ex has a personality disorder, the same traits are as for men as women, and there is a wealth of stuff out there to read. It isn’t really gender specific, although it helps reading for the correct gender (although not always!). When we read about NPD in the incorrect gender to our own situation, it can sometimes make us feel that it truly was our fault as we have a tendency to still hear the ‘it’s you that made me like this’ or ‘you are controlling!’ or ‘You think you are better than me’ (when we never ever did / were!) or more aptly described, ‘PROJECTION’. Dont let that put you off, just keep reading!
Anyway, I wanted to add how such behavior causes physical ailments when we try to turn a blind eye, or let the bad behavior, the ridicule, the lies, the verbal assaults, the manipulation etc etc ride (as I did!). I am 35 years old, and relatively fit. However, back when we were together, my periods became irregular, if they appeared at all. I always had a ‘cricked’ neck which would take weeks to get better, about 3 times a year. I was constantly tired (as in exhausted) even when I got up for work. I always had a cold, sore throat and started having anxiety attacks while out shopping, which I couldn’t attribute to anything at that time. However, since we separated my periods have been as regular as clockwork, I haven’t had that neck pain since, and apart from time off work initially due to reacting badly to the end of my marriage (why? god only knows now!), I haven’t had a day’s sickness from work. And I havent had an anxiety attack since. Funny that. I’m now normally tired (even though I am a single parent these days, and should be more tired than not!)
Unlike Geronimo, I havent had the support of someone, but I sometimes imagine how lovely that would feel, being with someone who truly cares. So good on all of you who are moving forward – it can only bring good things
My GF has PTSD from being sexually molested by her mother.. she is s social worker and has had much therapy…. I have ADHD and we love each other .. she is very critical of me.. has been in 2 very weird relationsships before me she claims they abandoned her. she says I have a big ego… she pushes my buttons by being very critical, constantly tells me what i am doing wrong accuses me .. I get mad and run.. she goes into a trauma response.. when i run i am angry and do not call or answer my phone for hours. I want to punish her.. which i know is bad…
why do I run away. i have never done that before.. she wants to end the relationship. we have done this 4 times in 4 months
D…
You have already answered why you run… because ‘she pushes my buttons by being very critical, constantly tells me what i am doing wrong accuses me’.
The question is do you ask her to stop before you run ?
If you have yet she doesn’t respect your request, then keep running next time because the behavior you describe is not one that supports the decription ‘love’ (more like ‘abuse’).
Go, define what you want from a relationship, learn the art of defending your boundaries, and THEN carry on and find a new woman.
Lighthouse
I have been wondering why I have been able to live with my narcissistic, emotionally abusive wife for 15 years and still love her..this article finally shows me that it’s related to my childhood experiences of witnessing my parents’ abuses.
I just went for a physical — it was my first in ten-plus years, all but the eight months of which I spent with an emotional bully of an ex-wife.
My cholesterol is now 50 points lower than it was when it was last measured. I have lost probably 75 pounds and am only about 20 from my target weight. (I got so down on myself, I quit stepping on scales when I hit 260. I believe I might have gotten up to 300 at my worst — whatever it is, I am down to a 36-38 waist as opposed to a 44.)
My liver and kidney function are now normal, in contrast to to the poor shape they were in back in the ’90s. I no longer pee all the time and my intermittent sexual dysfunction is a thing of the past. I was showing many of the symptoms of early diabetes and high blood pressure and my digestion was a wreck. I had occasional full-blown anxiety attacks — the sudden onset of doom followed by a loss of breath and the heart palpitations and belief that death was soon to follow. All of that is gone; I am not that wreck of a man any more.
I’ve done it all without diets or drugs — just the new attitude that comes with replacing one of these women with a loving, emotionally healthy one. She’s got me going to therapy, going to the doctor, exercising, eating better, drinking less, and not smoking at all. Blood pressure is still a little high, but I’d be willing to bet it’s much, much lower than it was right before I left, and the doc thinks I can take care of it through continued weight loss and a slightly modified diet.
But I already cut the worst poison out eight months ago.