Home > Abusive relationships, Borderline Personality Disorder, bullying, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Psychology, relationships > 25 Signs your Narcissistic or Borderline Wife or Girlfriend is Traumatizing You

25 Signs your Narcissistic or Borderline Wife or Girlfriend is Traumatizing You


danger crazy womanDo you experience insomnia, nightmares, fatigue, nausea, aches and pains, and an underlying sense of dread? Do you feel like you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop? Is it difficult for you to trust others because you’re worried they’ll hurt you? Do you frequently feel ashamed, guilty, and worthless? Are you involved with an emotionally abusive, narcissistic or borderline woman?

Ain’t love grand! Being involved with an emotionally abusive, narcissistic or borderline woman can do quite a number on you. If you’ve been bullied, manipulated, abused, confused, and demeaned by the woman you love, you may have developed a stress reaction from her repeated violations of trust called betrayal trauma (Freyd, 2008). Betrayal trauma can significantly and adversely affect your physical and psychological well being (Freyd, Klest, & Allard, 2005).

Many men who are abused by their wives or girlfriends don’t recognize their behaviors as abusive. These men minimize and misidentify what’s happening by telling themselves that she’s just “emotional” or, worse yet, blame themselves for her cruel and hurtful behaviors. These men blind themselves to the reality of the situation in order to preserve the relationship.

Alternatively, some men realize her behavior is wrong and abusive, but remain silent. There are two primary reasons for keeping mum:

  1. Confronting an abusive woman about her behavior only makes her nastier and you’re then subjected to a narcissistic rage episode and/or histrionic drama queen performance.
  2. She’ll just blame you for everything or deny what she did anyway, so why bother saying anything?

Whether you’re suffering in self-induced oblivion or are painfully aware, but keeping quiet, there are consequences to staying in an abusive relationship. Trauma affects you physically and psychologically. It also has a detrimental effect on all of your other relationships or lack thereof.

Common physical and emotional reactions to trauma:

  1. Headaches, backaches, muscle fatigue, and stomach aches.
  2. Nausea, irritable bowels, diarrhea, or constipation.
  3. Increased susceptibility to colds and other illnesses because chronic stress is weakening your immune system.
  4. Insomnia and other sleep disturbances such as ruminative thought or bad dreams.
  5. A pervasive sense of anxiety, dread, fear, worry, and/or panic attacks.
  6. Depression, the blues, grief, or feeling hopeless about the future.
  7. Feelings of helplessness, weakness, and being trapped.
  8. Feeling disoriented, confused, and/or overwhelmed.
  9. Isolating yourself from others, not communicating with friends and family.
  10. Feeling emotionally detached, shut down or numb.
  11. Feeling overwhelmed or flooded by feelings that are disproportionate to the situation.
  12. Difficulty concentrating, focusing or remembering things.
  13. Feelings of guilt, shame, worthlessness and/or blaming yourself for things that aren’t your fault.
  14. Difficulty trusting others, feeling paranoid (like others are out to get you), feelings of betrayal.
  15. Drinking too much, taking drugs, overeating or engaging in other compulsive behaviors to numb and/or soothe yourself.
  16. Outbursts of anger, rage, irritability or frustration that are disproportionate to the situation.
  17. Mood swings or moodiness.
  18. Overly sensitive to criticism.
  19. Denying, rationalizing or minimizing the traumatic behaviors.
  20. Feeling on edge, jumpy or hypervigilant to possible attacks, always being on the defense.
  21. Keeping secrets, censoring or stuffing your feelings, lying to others about what happens in your relationship.
  22. Developing false beliefs such as, “All women are crazy” or “Never trust anyone” or “Never let your guard down” or “Never tell anyone how you’re really feeling or what you really think because they’ll use it against you.” These are negative and self-limiting beliefs that keep you from living life fully.
  23. Difficulty making decisions, fear of making the “wrong choice.”
  24. Not taking care of yourself—eating poorly, not exercising, not getting enough rest, engaging in dangerous activities that could be passive suicide attempts like crossing the street without looking or biking in dangerous areas.
  25. Feelings of indifference, fatalism, cynicism, or pessismism.

These are NORMAL reactions to ABNORMAL and abusive behaviors. However, your girlfriend or wife has probably used the stress reactions you’re experiencing, because of her, as another device to hurt you. “Why are you so sensitive? Stop being so defensive! You’re a hypochondriac. Stop being such a baby. You’re so angry. You’re being labile.” Sound familiar? She uses the trauma symptoms you’re experiencing, which she induced, to further traumatize you. Nice.

If you’re suffering from the symptoms of betrayal trauma please take the necessary steps to get out of your emotionally abusive relationship and recover from it. Healing from trauma takes time and can bring up a lot of painful emotions that you had to suppress while in your emotionally abusive relationship. This is also a normal part of the process. Try to feel the feelings as they come up without guilt or self-recrimination.

Other tips to recover from trauma sustained in an abusive relationship include:

Seek support. Share your feelings with someone you trust. If you’re uncomfortable talking with friends or family at first because you’re ashamed or feel foolish, find a therapist or join a support group.

Don’t isolate. One of the effects of being in abusive relationship is distancing yourself from others who care about you. Part of recovery involves reestablishing these connections.

Take care of yourself. Eat well, exercise, rest, and find ways to relax.

Develop a daily routine. This will keep you grounded and help to create a sense of predictability and normalcy after the unpredictability and instability of your life with your emotionally abusive wife or girlfriend.

Say Goodbye to CrazyWant to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries or send an email to shrink4men@gmail.com.

Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

 

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Related content:

Traumatic Love: Is Your Narcissistic or Borderline Wife or Girlfriend Making You Sick?

Photo credit:

Danger crazy woman by FaG on flickr.

References:

Freyd, J.J. (2008) What is a betrayal trauma? What is Betrayal trauma theory?  http://dynamic.uoregon.edu/~jjf/trauma.html

Freyd, J.J., Klest, B., & Allard, C.B. (2005) Betrayal trauma: Relationship to physical health, psychological distress, and a written disclosure intervention.  Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 6(3), 83-104.

  1. Juggler
    April 3, 2013 at 9:43 pm

    Hi,

    I found your site a couple of weeks ago and been going over it article by article. This one really hit my need to express some of my experiences.

    I have been chased with scissors, knifes, hammers, been hit on the face, shoulders, ribs, gotten valuables destroyed or thrown in the garbage, i´ve been kicked out of my own house in from of my children more times than i am willing to say, been called a coward, bad parent, bad human being, piece of shit, my parents are of course the worst human beings on earth.

    Our daughter, excellent kid, great at school, has been slapped on the face and arms, kicked out of the house, been called bitch, fatty and ungreatful and wished she had never been born. My brothers and sisters are called all prostitutes, drug addicts, no good persons only to me of course. She would not dare abuse any one of them personally.

    I am stalked on my Facebook, my phone, my office. When I leave because I can´t take it anymore, i am accused of being a bad parent, when I stay I am accused of not sharing my life and being absent. I am afraid of being hit on the head when I got to sleep. I am afraid of staying alone with her because I know she will spiral out of control. I always look for at least another person to be present when I am with her. I am constantly accused of having affairs, one day with one of her friends and the other with an exgirlfriend who lives 1000 miles away and that she hasn´t even met.

    I get abused verbally at least once a day and ask to get a divorce lawyer every week. I shut down, take it and after a while turn around and go on with my life, looking after my kids, my dogs, my house, my business. My parents and siblings have learned to stay away as well as my friends for fear of causing me more problems. I hardly invite them over anymore.

    I have witnessed suicide attempts far more than I would like, with swiss knifes, pills, trying to jump out of a car while running.

    And the worse thing is I have been married to this woman for the last 18 years. I am a professional victim and rescuer at the same time. I feel so trapped, stuck and sad : (

    My wife does not work, wakes up regularly after 11 AM and goes to bed a always after 2 AM and sometimes till 5 AM. Believes she sacrificed her career and youth to me and my dreams and for that I have to pay. Will not at any cost discuss the possibility of her working.

    I believe to be a good provider, hold 2 jobs, owe nothing on my house and cars, and avoid credit debt. I have never been violent on my wife, even if she says I am a passive abuser. I have dedicated my work and life to this relationship and family and I am still the worst kind of shit to ever exist.

    Talk about hell!

    It´s true, the defense mechanism works beautifully, I hardly remembered 90% of all of this until I read this article. Yikes!

    And as I write this note, I have received 20 consecutive text messages on my phone complaining about the shitty husband that I am. Doesn´t matter I had to pick up her car this morning because she ran out of gas yesterday, payed her cell phone yesterday because she was “busy”, took her to the beach over the weekend and prepared all our dinners for the last 3 days.

    I am so frustrated and angry at my self for taking all this shit and do not understand this sick need to stay with her. I must have done something terribly bad in my past life and feel I have to pay!

  2. jp
    February 19, 2013 at 5:52 pm

    R :
    4 months of counseling/therapy has yielded little results get out before you loose yourself and never look back.

    Be patient, you’ll get there.

    The depth of the post-relationship depression is determined largely by the duration and strength of the investment you made in the object (her) that you lost. It will take more than four months to heal. Stick with the therapy and embrace the suffering…you will learn a lot from both and come out a stronger more resilient man.

  3. R
    February 19, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    Take it from me RUN FAST!!! do not walk gtfo asap. First love left me 4 months ago with a trail of destruction that just seems too brutal to be real. 9 years of torment but i did not dare leave as i thought it was “normal” (denial got the best of me) anytime i tried she’d start going crazy and forcing her way back into my life by any means. 6 years in she was diagnosed BPD with narcissistic and bipolar II traits. but it was already too late as shed already brainwashed me. lost some of my prime years to her 16-25. now that its all over i am literally just a shell no friends no family….. left me with a ring in my back pocket (stupid i know wth was i thinking) ran off with $100,000 (my dads life insurance) and left her toxic leaching brother living with me (kicked him out once the fog started to clear). completely mindfu**ed. and now shes started a smear campaign against me making it extremely hard to make new friends as they quickly hear bs stories of how “horrible i am” or she sleeps with them and turns them against me. iv no emotions left feel absolutely nothing for anything in life. can not even fathom trusting a female again. 4 months of counseling/therapy has yielded little results get out before you loose yourself and never look back.

  4. Mike
    December 18, 2012 at 10:13 pm

    I’m currently ending a relationship with a women who has Bpd. And I have a lot of these symptoms. i just feel down and out this woman has sucked the life out of me. and it’s like she doesn’t even care i’ve told her how i feel ans she turns it around like she is the victim. i just want to get over her and feel good again i want to be happy and full of life again. any advice?

    • jp
      December 20, 2012 at 4:36 am

      Mike :
      I’m currently ending a relationship with a women who has Bpd. And I have a lot of these symptoms. i just feel down and out this woman has sucked the life out of me. and it’s like she doesn’t even care i’ve told her how i feel ans she turns it around like she is the victim. i just want to get over her and feel good again i want to be happy and full of life again. any advice?

      1. Don’t ruminate. Keep busy. Do anything, no matter how simple, as long as it’s useful. Clean your closets, pay bills, whatever. Depression goes away when your mind is on tasks and you’re using your body.

      2. Cut her out of your life completely. Go no contact, stay no contact. Throw out pics and any other evidence of her. Don’t seek her out. Don’t cyber-stalk her. Don’t let her hoover you back in, no matter what she says, or what personal crisis she engineers for herself.

      3. Radically accept that that chapter of your life is over for good. You’ll feel grief and confusion for a while. You won’t feel like ‘yourself’ for longer than you think. That’s ok…don’t run from that feeling. Don’t numb it with booze or a new girl. Face it square on. Embrace it. You’ll feel normal again eventually.

      4. Connect with others. Don’t isolate yourself. Be open, warm and friendly, but not creepy.

  5. Tania shadle
    September 18, 2012 at 10:09 pm

    I really can relate to all of your reports on
    mental/verbal abuse. I’ve been in a hurtful
    abusive relationship for 20yrs snf finally getting
    out slowly. Been only few months but I’m
    traumatized of bad flashbacks

  6. Jack
    September 11, 2012 at 7:27 pm

    OMG – 23 out of 25 of the above symptoms are me! And I was still willing to try again with councelling. She reacted with a request for divorce saying we don’t get on but I think its more because she doesn’t want to look at herself or be exposed. Why do I feel so crappy after 5 months away from her, we were only married 3 yrs and under the same roof for 12 months. I feel shell shocked, wave after wave of emotions rolling through me, coming from nowhere, anytime. Mainly when she emails me about signing quick divorce paperwork, not that I don’t want to, just don’t want confrontation. And how she adored me, but nothing I ever did was good enough, love me, hate me, isolated me, and I had to run. Couldn’t talk to her about how I felt, she always invalidated my feelings or would explode. Oh well, c;est la vie!
    From the recovery room :)

  7. Wheredidigo
    June 14, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    I wish I read this article about a year ago instead of today….. The longer you stay with these types of people the worse it gets and it makes it that much harder to leave… As well as the effect of being with them they will use to their full advantage twisting the events to suit them… Your their puppet… Your in a show u didn’t know you were even in till u realize what your involved in and try to leave!

  8. Dave
    June 12, 2012 at 5:45 am

    Never thought I’d be here looking for similar stories to my own.
    I am 52 and my first marriage to whom 8 years ago seemed to be a well grounded earthy women, is ending. We have a beautiful 7 year old boy who makes it worth the agony that I went through with her. 6 months into our relationship we got pregnant, and because we seemed to get along so well (this is a dysfunctional story as well) we got married and for years I tried to make it work by acquiescing to her wild obsessions. It is too complicated to go into detail but to say that she exhibits all the traits of a textbook narcissist is an understatement: I could never offer a different viewpoint or opinion without her saying that I was not being supportive of her. Just informing her mildly how to cook rice on the stove top got her hackles up. l
    I could never bring up anything with her about our relationship, home, future or anything couples talk about because she would dismiss it as not important, not want to talk about it etc…So I learned to stuff it all because I had a family and i did not want to lose it. Finally, just after our 8th anniversary, and me being the strongest I have been in my life, started to set boundaries. I won’t name the incident but I reflected to her that I thought what she had done was selfish and inconsiderate of myself and my son. Well that was it. I had never seen her so defensive and wild eyed.
    2 weeks later she said she is not in love with me anymore, needs someone who shares her spiritual path ( it’s shamanism and no, it aint my path) and does not want to be married anymore. She has “big things to do in her life that do not work with a marriage” she said.
    All of our friends are flabbergasted as I have been 100 % supportive of all of her belly dancing, art and women’s circle stuff that she was into that took her away from the family, ultimately forever. I had asked her many times over the last 3 years if she was interested in what we were doing as a family because from where I stood, it looked like she was headed in a different direction. She repeatedly, even up to 4 weeks before dropping the bomb of divorce, assured me that she wasn’t going anywhere.
    So there is the overview of my story. fortunately i am in the strongest space i’ve ever been in, have tons of support, and will not lose my home. I only lost myself in 8 years of marriage to someone I had to wrap myself around her and all her stuff. My bad for not being stronger sooner, and in the processing that came up after the bomb dropped, we discovered that if i had done it sooner, she would have been gone long ago.

    My hearts out to all of you who’ve sold your souls in the name of commitment and family, i sure did and where did it get me?
    Dave

  9. CASH
    May 26, 2012 at 11:07 pm

    I didnt find this site or even know this was an actual problem until it was to late . I thought I was just going crazy and I eventually did because of this type of abuse.Still trying to wrap my head around it. She some how came out looking like a saint and I did everything wrong and everything is my fault. It’s only been a few months now but I fear it will be a lot longer before I’m fully get over what I went through. I’m just glad it is happening when I’m 27 and not later in life.Without a doubt the most horrible thing I have ever been through.

  10. Greg
    May 2, 2012 at 7:45 am

    Dr. T,
    I have a couple of questions:

    My exgirlfriend was abused as a child and many people that know us suspected that she has BPD. She basically refused therapy after the second visit, turned the tables by saying that I was the problem for all of her misfortune. She’s was quick to say that she was suicidal becasue of me and the way I make her feel. She said that I never protected her or honored her or supported her. She is an intelligent woman and was quick to diagnose me with Narcassistic tendancies, bipolar and egocentric.

    While hurt by the labels and naiive to games she was playing, I continued counseling. The therapist basically said that I needed to understand she was in two prior failed marriages and that I needed to be thankful that I took the vow of marriage seriously and set an expectation for counseling.

    I have second guessed myself and begged her to be in my life break up after breakup only to have her torture me with words and play games emotionally before we get back together and the BPD cycle repeats itself. Am I am feeling just the symptons being with someone that is calculating and manipulative or is it possible that I am becomming just like her?

    • shrink4men
      May 2, 2012 at 12:57 pm

      Hi Greg,

      Why are you staying with a woman who is abusing you? Who cares what all of her wonderful qualities are when she consistently undermines and hurts you?

      Being around an abusive personality causes trauma. Many individuals who have been exposed to a partner like yours may develop “fleas” from the trauma of their abusive personality. “Fleas” are essentially a kind of defensive mirroring in which the non-abusive partner picks up some traits from the abuser and other dysfunctional behaviors as a coping mechanism.

      I think your therapist is telling you that you dodged a major bullet by not marrying this woman. I encourage you to start working on figuring out what attracted you and keeps you attracted to such an abusive, nasty person.

      Best,
      Dr T

  11. Gary
    February 28, 2012 at 5:45 am

    I too am so over this trauma – so many things i have read in this article are my wife inside out – nothing i do is right, nothing she does is wrong, the filthy put downs of abuse and physical attacks are getting horrendous. As one of the other guys said in an earlier post you could meet her and would assume she was one of the nicest people you had ever met. The last 5 years have progressively gotten almost unbearable, though at times you would not think it was the same woman. And the amazing part is when she is nice i think Oh OK all is good and temporarily forget of the horrendeous treatment i had been through a few days earlier. The times i have tried to talk to her about this i get about 30 seconds in and then she takes over “exploding” abuse and blaming me for everything in our marraige that has gone wrong – she in 25 years has never once apologized for some very ordinary actions bestowed on me example – punching me in the face muliple times whilst driving my car on a highway SERIOUSLY and i had to pull over as i was seeing little stars, i mean how dangerous was that and all i did was answer something with NOT the answer she wanted to hear kicking me scratching me and spitting in my face on so many occasions i have lost count. The emotional physical and verbal abuse at times is something you would seriously not believe, it has at times dragged my confidence down to a level i start to be lieve i am nothing. I have run a succesfull busines for many years and we have lived a great lifestyle, travel to many areas of the world, beautiful home etc, and i would give it all up to have a loving wife – I have found myself in the same delima as some where i am questioning things that i never did or said that she is telling me i DID. She now has resorted to depriving me of sex, some 5 months now its like it her tool – I cannot suggest she seek help as i dont need any more pain and seriously she thinks i am the one who needs help, I dont know if i should go to her doctor on the quiet to see if he can help discreetly, What is it she has guys what do you think – BPD, Narcassism. You can actually see when she is about to cut loose its like a whole bunch of hormones have entered to gether and just want to explode – Please HELP !!!!

  12. Wael Abdallah
    February 6, 2012 at 5:27 am

    Thanks for the info. All these details perfectly describe how my wife treats me. I am afraid of saying anything to her because she will snap and act inappropriately and blames me for everything when I did nothing to her and the next day, she acts like nothing happened. At times she black mails me by saying she will call the cops if I don’t do what she says. I have four kids with her and I try to keep calm as possible because I don’t want my kids hearing all the bad words she says and her bad behavior. I work 6 days a week 12 hours a day to support my family , while she stays home. I don’t know if she is trying to get me to leave her or if she had a mental issue. Her mom and brother have mental issues and I am thinking its her now. She just gets worst and worst and I don’t know what to do. Sometimes she is calm and most of other times she is someone else that I don’t want to be near. If I say or do any little thing that she does not like, she goes out of this world . I put up with her because of my kids and thinking maybe she will get better. I tried to get her to go to doctor but she refuses . What can I do to stop her from making me miserable.

    • Nick
      February 7, 2012 at 1:55 am

      Call the police first. I’m not kidding. The next time she loses control on you call the police. It will be a way for you to document her behavior before she puts you in jail and removes you from being able to protect your kids. Your kids are in serious danger. Not kidding. God bless you and good luck.

  13. Micah Scott
    February 6, 2012 at 12:35 am

    Hey Just recently got out of an emotional abusive relationship I had most the signs your desrcibed. She mad me feel like the scumb of the earth, I had never felt so bad in my life. I finally had enough and walked away. Thanks to your site I’ve learned alot.

  14. Gerry
    December 29, 2011 at 3:10 am

    absolutely brilliant and totally correct. All victims remember you are totally correct, the abuser is totally wrong.

  15. KJ
    August 4, 2011 at 8:40 pm

    My experience …Sometimes we men (GOOD AND DECENT GOD-FEARING MEN WITH A HEART FOR PEOPLE) suffer from the symptom I call, I don’t want my wife or girlfriend to tell me that I am just like all the other men in this world. This is a bad disease to contract. Sometimes the women in our lives ain’t worth sh$$%%&&&!!@ from day one. And this is not all women, because the woman in my life now is AWESOME !!!! The woman I dated for only 5 months (thank god!) used the overly sensitive card on me constantly and she criticized me and thought it was FUNNY! She tried to play on me that her abusive boyfriend of 15 years and her lack of her dad being around was her pain. She did some hurtful things to me and at times I have ruminating thoughts about it. She didn’t deserve me treating her like a decent human being like I thought she was. If I see her now, I would treat her like she is nothing. Like she doesn’t exist. I don’t want to have thoughts of her anymore good or bad. When i think of her I get sick and angry. It hurts me at times that I can’t even wish her well. I know she doesn’t think of me, so I want to end thoughts of her immediately !!! I pray for this everyday. Someone told me that GOD put her on my mind to pray for her. I don’t know.

  16. Jazzman
    March 2, 2011 at 10:56 am

    My wife is very loving, kind generous and hard working. She is always there for me and has all the qualities a man would want in a woman. Need to mention she is very beautiful. But we have being having these fights which started from the very first night we attended a party together.

    She could not take her eyes off the host… She kept on staring at him. She was not even bothered about my presence. I even confronted her and told her that her staring was a little too obvious. B4 we left the party she made all effort to dance with him, which she did.

    Although I have not caught her cheating or seen any funny emails or text msgs, but she has continued to be that way, when ever she sees a very attractive man. She seems to become a completely different person. She forgets herself and loses control. I am convinced that if the opportunity arises she would cheat on me if she happens to be alone with a man she finds attractive.

    I conceder my self handsome, and our romance and lovemaking is still very good. We still have passionate moments. We have been together for 4 years now.

    Please advice me, should i consider seeing a counselor, because my biggest problem is that she is in complete denial, and she has not accepted the fact that she is like this even though i have lots of proof.

  17. s.e. rolf
    October 29, 2010 at 9:36 pm

    I have read and re read every article on this site. Where I am relieved that maybe I am really ok and that my gut was right the whole time, a terrible thought creeps into my head and makes me think that maybe I am the one that was BP and I was the one that created all the hell in her life. I can relate to almost every article and see a part of me in most of the content here. Maybe she was right though, it is my fault.

    I have to be truthful here. I am an accomplished person and am (was) well respected by those that know me. I would get verbally beat up so much that I would end up exploding in a rage. I was a firefighter in a major city and a pilot and a software engineer and currently a defense contractor. Listening to her accusations and rants was beneath me and I knew it but I couldnt cut it off for some reason. Probably because she is beautiful and she is an engineer herself. Smart and pretty. Very hard to find girls like that. Maybe she was right? She is too good for me.

    Back to my point…I would get upset and blow up and try to leave the situation that she started because I hated the confrontation and I hated how she would make crap up just to start an argument, then beat me in the head for being the kind of guy that leaves a woman when she needs him most or being the kind of guy that runs from his problems. In fact, when I would try to leave to let a situation deflate, she would physically keep me from leaving! She would hit me. Kick me. Block the door. The kicker (no pun intended) was that she would deny that she even hit or kicked me or that she even spewed that filth she spewed….She would flat deny everything! Godsmack. I was so shocked I couldnt say a single word. She would actually try to Jedi Mind trick me into thinking she didnt say the things she did and that she didnt get violent. Has this ever happened to anyone? I will bet everyone on this site that if you met us in public, and she told you how bad I was, you would believer her over me every time. I am an Air Force Officer man!!!! Hell I have been known to be a good guy by many…but she has everyone thinking that I am the one with issues? I have had a great life and have done some exciting things in my past with very wonderful and talented people. How does this happen to a guy like me?

    She was wrong about me wanting to bang every woman I saw. She was wrong about all the assertions she made about me and my coworkers. She wont let me have a female doctor of any kind and wont let me workout. She say she does but when I tell her I am going to work out, then there is something she needs me to do at that time. It happens every time. I told her to stop accusing me of banging people at work or trying to pose for others as I work out. I told her not to accuse me of flirting with female coworkers. I told her not accuse me of trying to pick up my chiropracter and I told her perhaps she was “projecting” her daily occurrences on me. She gets to work out at a downtown workout facility that is coed (I cant). She has male doctors and even a male gyno. She is in an all male environment and even used to bone one of her co workers. I never have ever done that in my whole life. But she has. And she accuses me of it. She loves to pick fights in public because she knows that I hate that and that I am trying to look and be respectable in public. She tell me I drink too much but she drinks everyday. I just binge once a week when I can get away with it. Usually because she has something she cant avoid and has to admit that I cant stay home while she gets to go out.

    I am such an idiot. She tells me that I say things to her that have never come out of my mouth. She tells me that I hit her (I dont hit girls). She tells me that I am a terrible man because I abandon women in the middle of nowhere. Its usually me trying to leave the scene of a public argument. She loves to do this!!! And then beats me up for “abandoning” her.

    Last straw was in Idaho. She yelled at me from Idaho all the way to Spokane (about an hour) and I didnt say a word. This seemed to enrage her more. She told me her sister wanted to put a bullet in my head and that her brothers were banding together to come and beat me up. Of course she denies she said this. Of course, once again, hotel security is called because she wont stop and she wont let me leave to deflate the situation. Weeks later (the relationship is gone and I am trying to figue a way out) we get home and a short time later, she kicks dog food (the can kind) all over me with my 9 year old daughter in the room. Of course she denies she did that and claims that she did it because I hit her and slammed her against the wall. (I was trying to get me and my daughter out of there).

    She shows me articles about terrible men. Men “like me”. WTF?

    Is she right? Am I that bad guy? As an ex fireman, and former USAF Officer and a guy with a high clearance, I am deathly afraid of being arrested. I am afraid of doing anything that will reflect badly on me. Am I too tightly wound up?

    I have never lost my temper or lost my head before (a symptom the articles say that BP use which makes me think she may be right). I am being honest thought. I have never been treated like this. I have never been hit or kicked before.
    I have never had my time be controlled to this extent before. I couldnt see parents, my kids, my friends. If I did, it was for a short time or she had to be there.

    I dont know.

    Is she right? Am I the cause of her life being the way it is?

    • November 1, 2010 at 10:45 pm

      This is all too familiar. I am not exactly sure what my wife’s issue is. She presents parts of multiple disorders. She is probably most closely aligned with NPD, but what does it really matter. In the course of 18 months, I left my job to start a business with her, lost all of my money, had her run up about $50K on credit card debt for our wedding and then disappear back to her home in Canada. We went back and forth in our relationship a number of times. It seems that once she got married she felt trapped and was unable to live freely like she did before. She was used to being able to pack a suitcase and leave to travel for a week or 3 months without having to answer to anyone. After a major meltdown last February, I was forced to call the police on her after she pulled a knife in the kitchen. I ended up asking to have her released and the police obliged although they had handcuffed her and could see marks all over me. After I did this, she told I would “regret ever doing that to her.” For God’s sake, she’d destroyed my whole apartment. Anyways, on subsequent trips to her home in Canada, she would become unregulated and go into rages for various reasons. She ended up calling the police because she wanted me to leave the house. I took her cell phone out of her hand and she claimed to the police I “hurt her finger.” They were going to arrest me because when called in Quebec, one party has to be taken away. They ended up letting me go because I had a ticket to return to the US. On another trip a few weeks later, she did the same thing. She called the police because I woke her up in the middle of the night. I did so because an ex-boyfriend of hers called at 2 in the morning. Again I left. Well after that, I like a fool went back again, each time with her knowledge and her picking me up from the airport. Well, after another split in June with her threatening to call the police, I left and have not gone back. She changed her phone number and hadn’t called me in a couple months. I resourcefully got her number to find out if we were going to divorce and to see what we were going to do with our business. She screamed at me for having her number. The next day she called from the police station claiming I was harassing her. I have the phone records of her calling dozens of times prior to then. Well, another two months passed and I finally got sick of waiting to see what the hell she wanted to do so I told her mother and brother that I was going to come to town and settle things. Either go to therapy together or get a divorce. Although she is a mess, I really do love her and wanted to try counseling with her. The next day I get divorce papers and a restraining order filled with complete fabrications and exaggerations. I have photos, video, email and text messages to back up her madness. The sad thing is that I really still love the good 80% of her and would be willing to work things out in counseling with her. Her distortion campaign is crazy and in some ways it feels like in her mind she really believes it. I mean, I have had to get stitches from her cutting me and she is accusing me of abuse. I have never hit a woman in my life nor would I ever. I have been kicked, punched, slapped and hit with a plethora of household items from a rolling pin to umbrella. I am actually wondering if she will follow through with the divorce or at the 11th hour offer to try again under her terms. This has happened before where she wouldn’t call or email and then send me an attorney’s name and number. When I finally call them to confirm that they are representing her, they said no. This time she really did get an attorney and did file a motion for a court date in December. Oh, the madness. I was doing just fine financially, had a great place to live, nice car and a happy life when I met her. We traveled the world, got married and started a business together. Now, I am left broke, in massive debt, without a job, borrowing a car and living in my dad’s empty house. There should be a movie made about my story, I swear. I need help now, major depression and anxiety everyday wondering how this will all play out.

    • Brett
      November 7, 2013 at 3:35 am

      OMG, I think you are married to MY wife! Word for word. Same stuff. UFB…

  18. whitescheme
    October 29, 2010 at 4:28 am

    Thank you for this article. I am also in this situation. It’s really depressing to be in this kind of hole. I can’t believe i was so naive to realize what my girlfriend is doing to me and to my sanity. I am a smart person but it seems you cannot get smarter when dealing with this kind of crap. Once again thank you so much.

Comment pages
  1. March 8, 2012 at 8:17 pm
  2. December 29, 2010 at 12:33 am

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