What Makes your Control Freak Wife or Girlfriend Tick

control a man remoteDoes your wife or girlfriend tell you what to do most or all of the time? Does she become enraged or sullen and withdrawn if she doesn’t get her way? Does she needle you endlessly until you capitulate? Controlling behaviors and attitudes are just another aspect of emotionally abusive women with Borderline and/or Narcissistic personality traits.

It’s natural to want to have control over your own life. However, most of us realize you can’t control everything, especially other people. You can make requests or try to influence others, but you can’t control them. Psychologist Dr Thomas Schumacher writes, “When you have to be in control of the people around you…when you literally can’t rest until you get your own way . . . you have a personality disorder.”

Here’s the rub: You can’t control others. Not really. When you spend your every waking moment worrying about what others are doing, compulsively trying to control them, you’re the one who ultimately becomes controlled by your desire to control. It’s a paradoxical effect. For those of you who are involved with an emotionally abusive, controlling woman, you probably recognize that maniacal, “out of control” look in her eyes when she’s trying to bend you to her will and you’re trying to resist.

Are control freaks and Narcissistic and/or Borderline women one and the same?

There’s a lot of overlap between the characteristics of “control freaks” and emotionally abusive NPD/BPD women. This isn’t a great leap since many men who are involved with these women describe them as “controlling.” If you think of this woman as a cubic zirconia, “control freak” is just another facet that flashes in the light like “bully,” “professional victim,” “pathological jealousy,” “hypercritical,” etc. Or, put another way, it’s another piece of the fragmented BPD/NPD woman jigsaw puzzle.

Control freaks and abusive, high-conflict women:

  • Have difficulty trusting others.
  • Have a profound fear of having their flaws exposed.
  • Cannot tolerate feeling vulnerable (and, therefore, can’t handle intimacy).
  • Are riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurity and anger.

What’s really going on?

Why does she invest so much in trying to control you and your reality? Because she tries to manage her anxiety by trying to control you. Control is her anxiety management technique of choice. She doesn’t experience anxiety like a relatively healthy person does — an unpleasant sensation that will eventually pass. To this woman, anxiety is a painful reminder that something is wrong with her. To acknowledge this is akin to being lowered into a dark, bottomless pit with no way out. There is a way out, of course; facing her issues and feeling her feelings, but she’s not going to do that!

Facing her fears and working through her issues would mean admitting she actually has issues, which would mean holding herself accountable and not blaming others. It makes much more sense (to her and remember, she’s the only one who matters) to deny and ignore her problems and push and poke at you because you’re the one with the problem, not her.

Her strategy is unconscious for the most part and goes something like this: If you’re both totally focused on and consumed by what a useless, screw-up jerk you are, no one will notice her glaring flaws, especially her. Get it? I feel dizzy from typing that last piece of emotional reasoning, but that’s what goes on in the dark recesses of her brain.

She tries to stave off her deep-seated fear of having her true self exposed by controlling every aspect of her life and her relationship with you, including imposing her distorted version of reality upon you. She views her ability to control you as a matter of survival—her psychological survival, that is. “Being in control gives her the temporary illusion of a sense of calmness. When she feels she is prevailing, you can just about sense the tension oozing out of her” (Schumacher).

Think about it. When does she come close to being in a good mood or smile with pure pleasure? When she feels like she’s in the catbird seat because she’s gotten her way, pulled one over on you or pulled the rug out from underneath you. The size of her smile is in direct proportion to the number of times she twisted the proverbial knife.

More defensive mechanisms: Projection and projective identification.

Projection and projective identification play a part in her controlling behaviors. She maps her feelings onto you and controls you by inducing these feelings within you. Her controlling facade masks her true internal experience. Deep down she feels frightened, out of control, incompetent and helpless.

Les Parrot (The Control Freak) writes:

“People who want to exert control over everything can make those around them feel inadequate, insecure, nervous, angry, anxious and physically sick. Their message is: I don’t trust you to be able to do it right; I don’t respect your judgment; I don’t think you are competent; I don’t value your insight.”

Whether or not this woman is aware of it, this is how she feels about herself. Once you recognize the defense mechanisms at play, it becomes a little easier to take her hurtful behaviors less personally. She’d be like this with anyone.

In order for her to win, you must lose.

Because this is a matter of psychological survival to her, she has to steamroll you in order to avoid feeling helpless. “To relinquish control is tantamount to being victimized and overwhelmed” (Schumacher). Unfortunately, her fears also fuel her lack of empathy toward you and create the mindset: “Victimize or be victimized; dominate or be dominated.”

To the abusive woman, it’s not enough to merely control you. She only feels in control and good about herself if she makes you feel less than. Her mood becomes buoyant as she cuts you down. She has to make you feel useless, disoriented and helpless, so that she doesn’t feel this way.

This is evidence of a faulty belief system. She has a one-up/one-down mentality. She believes that in every interpersonal interaction there’s a winner and a loser and she will fight tooth and nail against being the “loser.” This is why it’s virtually impossible for this woman to compromise or make concessions. To her, compromise and concession are humiliating defeats. She’d rather blow the house up and everything in it than compromise or take personal responsibility. Anyone who’s gone through a high-conflict divorce with a BPD/NPD/Sociopath knows this only too well.

Her need to control, however, will come back to bite her on the backside. Instead of feeling and appearing in control, this woman comes across as out of control when trying to exert control. Oftentimes, those living under her tyranny eventually stage a revolt and/or bolt from the relationship ultimately causing her to lose control.

Losing control

Schumacher cites the rapid phases this kind of woman goes through when she’s not getting her way or feels she’s losing control. For example, when you challenge her or threaten to end the relationship, she probably exhibits the following emotional states in quick succession:

  1. Angry and agitated. (You’re treated to a rage episode and/or nasty commentary, blame and accusations.)
  2. Panicky and apprehensive. (She exposes fleeting vulnerability as she tries to “feel you out” in order to see how and if she can regain control. She may worry that she’s gone too far and is testing the waters before gearing up for another control maneuver.)
  3. Agitated and threatening. (Because anxiety is ego dystonic—i.e., painfully uncomfortable—she quickly reverts to form and begins to bully you and issue ultimatums and threats of punishment.)
  4. Depression and despair. (When all else fails, she becomes sullen and withdrawn and suffers a temporary identity crisis.)

Her unhealthy coping mechanism (control) becomes an unhealthy and rigid pattern. Because it’s impossible to control others, she’s locked in the endless loop of fighting off real and imagined threats to her control. Since she won’t look at her own issues and focuses solely on controlling you and her environment, she never gains mastery over the fears that plague her. Her attempts at mastery (control) over her emotions and fears instead become a replay of misery for herself and others. But remember, she’ll probably never be able to see herself as part of the problem, which means it’s highly unlikely she’ll ever change.

Psychologist, Dr Patricia A. Farrell, states: “They’re highly resistant to any therapy, and there is no medication for the personality disorder.” To seek help themselves, she says, “the control freak has to be convinced the price is too great not to, and that doesn’t happen very often.”

Yes, this woman is deeply troubled, but it is NOT your responsibility to tolerate, accept or change her. The only way to gain mastery over a relationship with this kind of woman is to end it. Otherwise, you’ll begin an endless replay loop of your own misery.

Next week I’ll post ways to manage an emotionally abusive “control freak,” so please check back.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries or send an email to shrink4men@gmail.com.

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  1. Eugene
    April 1, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    I just had the conversation of this is how I am feeling and I received the everything is your fault/that is not the way it actually happened response. I have concluded that our marriage is over and unfortunately has been for some time. Why can she just not see that she is the problem here? She does not even care that I think our marriage is over or that I am no longer attracted to her because of this. All of the signs were there, I just ignored them. Anyways, thank you for finally helping me to see the light.

  2. Eugene
    April 1, 2011 at 9:06 am

    I have an issue with my spouse that is pretty much described here. I am very sad as to the implications of my marriage and it saddens me. The classic examples for me are I can never perform driving correctly and we argue over me simply taking a different turn than she would, talk about frustrating!!! We have two different driving styles, I am passive and she is aggressive (go figure). Another is that when I am alone with our daughter, she will call and “remind” me to feed our daughter and tell me what to feed her as if I cannot think for myself as to what to do.

    I have been switching from insomnia to sleep deprived and back again. I must say that I am at a point of depression right now that is unbearable, I can not go to work and have actually though of the unthinkable deed. The one thing I must say however is that finding this site is a tremendous help with everything, I was almost completely convinced that is was my problem and my fault. How is this possible for someone that is supposed to love you can hurt you so much.

  3. dave
    January 27, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    i dumped my girlfriend for the third time because it feels like she wants me to wait in a cupboard until i am wanted she is obsessed with house work and controling the house and everything in it including me but she doesnt try and control me out of the house , because of all of this i get really frustrated as when we were together she shut off from me a long time ago .
    i found this hurtfull and left as she wouldnt talk to me, we then got back together and the talking was there we were comunicating better but she got more controling and more busy with other stuff , there were no cuddles only in bed then the arguments came and i lft again i’m trying to work out if i have a problem i have been to see a councilor and realize i have issues with geting cross and running away from problems , now she says she will let me know when she is free so i can get the rest of my stuff but i havent heard anything for a week i know she has been free but i guess she just doesnt want to be near me at the mo , for some reason i want to help her as i still love her but i couldnt cope with her behavior it didnt feel like a relationship. just trying top work it all out i feel good myself it feels like a weight has been lifted off i i have to see her this weekend as i will be on a night out and she works the bar i am wondering weather to contact her before to arrange my stuff or should i just leave it for now its only been short of two weeks since we fell out.

    • shrink4men
      January 27, 2011 at 3:25 pm

      I would contact your local police department and ask if they can be present while you remove your belongings because you’re afraid your girlfriend will start a scene and possibly become violent. You should have been able to retrieve your stuff by now. She is holding your possessions to hostage to prolong contact. Also, surely there’s an alternate pub you can go to this Saturday. If you’re serious about wanting this woman out of your life, hanging out at the pub where she works is not the way to do it. It’s just an invitation for more drama—for both of you.

      Dr T

  4. Mellaril
    December 17, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    Trust is a huge issue. I didn’t write my exgf off until it became clear to me that I would likely never be able to trust her again.

    I recommend you find a professional and talk to him/her. After I broke up with my exgf, I married a woman 9 years younger than I was. We came from vastly different backgrounds. Within a year, we were having problems in our marriage. We’d talk to each other and both of us seemed to want the marriage to work. She said I had let her down and wasn’t living up to her expectations. She didn’t accept my response. I talked her in to seeing a marriage counsellor. She fought me tooth and nail but she agreed to go. We were in cousnelling less than three months. A large part of our problem was our communications styles were so different. The counsellor told us, “I believe you love each other and want the marriage to work but when you talk to each other, neither of you is understanding the other.” She spent some time working on communications and understanding how our respective childhoods were refelcted in our marriage. I was letting her down not because I wanted to but she had developed a set of expectations based on her upbringing rooted in an evnivronment that was nowhere near what I grew up in.

    Something else to keep in the back of your mind is your twenties are a decade of huge change in a person. That goes for both of you. Before I asked my wife to marry me, I really thought about whether I could handle the changes in her I knew were coming. The general rule of thumb is you change less every decade and the older you get, the less distinction there is between decades.

    We recently celebrated out 22nd anniversary so it can work.

  5. thinrhino
    December 16, 2010 at 7:31 pm

    After a discussion with my husband, and him calling me a control freak, I decided to google it and found this blog. I do see relationships between my behaviors and those described in this blog, but I don’t think they are anywhere near the intensities described. I have a horrible time trusting my husband because he’s lied to me so many times in the past… about things I told him bothered me, so he just hid them from me instead of stopping them. More particularly… viewing internet porn and developing and hiding friendships with our friends wives/girlfriends, sneaking around late at night, etc (not physically cheating, maybe emotionally… who knows). Now I’m terrified that I’ll turn into this type of woman because of my trust issues. I do not want my husband to be trapped in an unhappy marriage nor do I want him to be “controlled”, but I feel like he doesn’t understand the boundaries of being a married man. We are young, mid-20’s. It mostly just comes down to other women. We compromise and work everything else out mutually. But, when he gets something in his head that he actually wants to do, or will look like a “fool” in front of his friends, then he goes forth with it regardlesss of my opinion. Nothing I can do to stop it. Anyway… my point and question here I guess would be, how do I get my husband to understand where I am coming from as far as the trust issues, but not turn into a control freak with him? Everytime I give him an inch of trust, I found out later that he’s been dishonest. It’s heartbreaking. I know he loves me, but I just don’t think he gets this whole marriage thing. We’ve been married 4 years.

  6. robesse
    November 5, 2010 at 12:36 am

    I have to say that my eyes have been opened since I first found this blog two weeks ago after googling in desperation for how to deal with a wife who always seems to be angry. It’s like I can see the man behind the curtain now. The Wizard of Oz is not so great and powerful anymore. It’s just a woman pushing buttons and pulling levers, mostly mine. I could go on and on about the realizations but I wanted to share that the reactions to “losing control” really helped me to understand what happens often and just happened in the last day.

    I have been trying to stay detached and not get sucked back in, not react to the barbs and jabs.

    We have a text exchange about going to the world series parade in SF. I can’t go, too much work this week. She then tells me that it’s “lame” that I can’t get time off. I just don’t respond. After about an hour, this exchange goes down.

    W: I feel so preoccupied. I can’t focus or get motivated. I feel like a big black cloud of worry is following me around. Like something bad is gonna happen.
    Me (16:27): Woah that sounds awful. :(
    W: In all honesty I have this feeling like ur gonna leave me and its too late for me to do anything about it.
    Me (16:35): What? That’s nuts. Lets talk when I get home.
    W: I’m not nuts.
    W: Don’t know why I even bother to continue bringing stuff up. Forget I said anything. I had a weak moment.
    Me (16:53): We can make time to talk. This is not something I want to have a text message exchange about at 430 in the afternoon.
    W: Thanks for being so nice about it. Had a weak moment won’t happen again.

    The next day she is “down” and asks me to leave work to pick up our daughter from preschool because she is in no state of mind to care for her. She needs some “sister therapy.” This means lunch, a haircut, and gossip.

    I end up getting her and the wife comes home just as I am getting PJs on the little one.

    Its just uncanny how I can find *exact* descriptions of the behaviors I am subjected to and understand why she does these things. I have asked myself “why for the last 5 1/2 years and finally I am beginning to understand.

    It’s also not uncommon for her to emotional drop bombs on me or expect my full attention at times when I just can’t give it like at work, or driving, or taking care of our child. And she is hurt/angry when I don’t give her the attention she thinks she is owed. She really likes to use text messaging to do it, too. Anyone else experience this?

    • robesse
      November 5, 2010 at 3:05 pm

      p.s. – From the bags in the trash and a look at the amex account, “therapy” also apparently invloves shopping! We are in such huge debt because of the W’s spending habits. Yet work is out of the question because the W wants to “be there” for our daughter. Well, the W’s not “there” many evenings and weekends when the W “needs a break.” Either gone with sisters or laying in bed.

      Oh, and if I try to talk money? I’m sure you know the drill. “You are so controlling!” “You are such a tightwad!” “I can’t stand it when you have to watch every dime. I just can’t live like that.” “There is being frugal then there is being deprived. We have to find a balance.”

      Two years ago we got pretty much debt free after my parents helped us buy our house. (Which they could do because they *are* “tightwads.”) Now we are back up to around $20K in credit cards. Mostly because when the checking account runs dry the W pulls out the amex, or we go on vacations and fun weekends and I don’t dare ask how we are going to pay for it.

      I’m not innocent. I let it go to avoid conflict and to attempt to please her. There are also times where I figure what the hell, if we are going to be in crushing debt I might as well get a new flat screen when she is in the mood to spend. Which she will remind me of when we talk money. “You didn’t complain when you got an iPod for your birthday” “We could take back your photo printer to pay for it.”

  7. Philip
    October 30, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    When I came across this page from a google search, it was so surprising to me that I thought it was a joke. It was so spot on…it seemed to describe my situation in such clear terms, I thought it was a joke. What knocked me out was the advice:

    “Yes, this woman is deeply troubled, but it is NOT your responsibility to tolerate, accept or change her. The only way to gain mastery over a relationship with this kind of woman is to end it.”

    Pretty stark, but what I have done already. I’ve lost my home, and close access to my daughter – neither of these are OK, but I’m happier now…it was getting pretty bad. The hardest part is the guilt, and the feeling of failure.

    It was only after I saw all the comments and the depth of the content on the site that I realised that you’re for real…and that I’m not alone. You have no idea; the relief sent me into floods of tears…I’m still crying as I’m typing.

    Thank you…you’ve helped so much!


  8. David
    September 1, 2010 at 9:50 pm

    well. I told her I had enough, id had a battering once too often, my head was spinning yet again all because of a fairly trivial issues which she distorted and magnified. after I had calmed down, I began to change my mind again, she then cleverly if not unpredictably, decided that was time to end it. ive been a mug, allowed her to take the power she didnt deserve. Im glad its over, it was nevrr going to work. she does have big problems, she neds to win, to punish, she is angry inside and every relationship she has been in, she has been treated abysmally!

  9. Manchego
    August 23, 2010 at 7:22 pm

    Not sure if it is BPD or NPD or what.

    It sounds like your ex was a bit emotionally intense and has a personality disorder of some sort. Most if not all couples argue it is how you do it that makes it healthy or unhealthy. From what I can gather your ex would not listen to your side regardless if it had a base in fact or not. In other words, your opinion and feelings did not count. Sounds like only her opinions and feelings were worth discussing.

    So, who finally left who?

  10. David
    August 5, 2010 at 7:39 pm


  11. David
    August 1, 2010 at 9:52 am

    Id like to run this past people to see what you think.
    My ex I believe was controlling but in a very subtle way. Im a fairly laid back bloke, I go with the flow and a lot of stuff goes over my head. My ex is quite highly strung, if ever she is upset, she doesnt have to say anything her whole body gives it away, her leg/foot taps almost out of control, she looks realy pissed off. she went through my mobile phone and found something she didnt like (which was actually genuinely innocent) and when I saw her I knew instantly she was pissed off,what I really think she was pissed off about was that she couldnt contain the fact she had to own up to going through my phone.
    Anyway, she rearely criticised me except when we had abust up, she always made me out to be somthing better than I am, tell me she was really proud of me, all that kind of stuff, better in bed than anyone else, and there have been a few elses.
    is this a form of control? I believe it to be so, no way was I the person she was portraying me as, Im ok, average guy, good sense of humour, people like me and to be around me but to her I was amazing… just like her ex who I saw the same sort of behaviour applied to him and of course want he a psychopath when the wheels came off very acrimoniously!
    I never really challenged my ex about issues, I put it down to her being her, however if ever I got pissed off or upset with something she did, I never felt allowed to confront her, I knew how sensitive she was, or if I was upset about my kids to my ex wife, (I get on well with my ex wife and this also pissed my lates ex off,she would try and get me to view my ex in a negative way).
    the look on my face, my tone of voice, not replying to a text, failing to call her all met with confrontation,she would mind read, she actualy told me what I was thinking (wrongly) just by the look on my face, worryingly she continued to run with it despite me telling her she was sooo wrong.
    can control be subtle as I have described?
    The bust ups she totally controlled, Ive never felt so weka and helpless as I have during these, not allowed to defed myself, my use of facts was described as me being in a court of law and she would tell me to stop..before coming back to spout her emotional crap.
    Ive got so confused but I guess some of tha confusion is wondering what the hell has happened? neve rbeen in this situation before.

  12. chris
    July 26, 2010 at 8:13 pm

    This described my ex-gf exactly.

    It makes me sad more than anything, because I still love her and wish I could rescue her from her mental fate. I wish I never allowed myself to fall in love, so that I wouldn’t care so much about the happiness that will be forever so elusive to her. That is, unless she can find the guy who will capitulate to her controlling, dominating, narcissistic personality for the duration.

    • Mellaril
      July 27, 2010 at 1:58 am

      “…and wish I could rescue her from her mental fate.”

      Lose that thought. It’s not your job and you likely couldn’t do it if it were. Nor can you save her daughter although it would give you a handy excuse to keep your hand in the game. Read the other blogs, especially the new one.

      It’s been 20 years and I still feel sorry for my exgf. She had enormous potential and it drove me nuts to see her squander it. She told me one of her greatest fears was to grow old and die alone. When I asker her once what she wanted of me, she said, “All I want is to stop feeling miserable all the time.” I believe she was miserable and I hope she was able to find peace and happiness although from what I learned about here later, it doesn’t seem likely. It’s a lousy way to go through life but it’s her choice. While someone else’s happiness may be important to you, it’s their happiness, not yours and you’re not responsible for it.

      From this and other posts, it seems like you have a pretty good idea of what’s going on. I recommend you read the blog about the 5 stages of breaking up. I detect a hint of bargaining. If she’s truly as you describe her, the new guy won’t make her any happier.

      And, last, be careful. Cluster Bs can lull you into a dangerous false sense of security. It sounds like if she said the right things to you, you’d drop your guard and give her another chance.

  13. WiserThanB4
    April 21, 2010 at 2:07 am

    I have enjoyed reading thru this site and seeing other people’s comments and the “spot on” descriptions of BPD/NPD women. I’ve had a few too many.. starting with my own mother, and years of trying to unravel the mystery when there was very little literature out there about NPD, and society wasn’t ready to implicate females as abusive bullies who molest, torture, beat, and murder there own children..but now we all know that there are many women capable of beastial acts of violence, and more commonly these insidious cruelties they perpetrate onto their so called “loved ones”. I remember growing up so cynical, with a mother who was verbally and physically abusing the children, yet read books nightly about how she was a victim of domestic violence. Hardly.. the few occassions my father had enough and actually did physically restrain her, compared to the brutal way she taunted and bullied and beat him and his side of the family down was an incalculable fraction. Her projections and distortions were disgusting and the descriptions on this site are dead ringers that describe these people. Its amazing that with such diversity of ‘stories’.. their behaviors are so strangely robotically similar… I often wonder if there is a particular brain chemistry or neural pathways that take over when children are induced with traumas like what NPD/BPD is in cycles..and if these are somehow very ancient neural pathways… in other words… if subjected to terrible cruelties during early childhood development, what neural pathways become HARD WIRED , and what else is shut down and never awakens or develops…that is something to be studied in the future, but because of the overwhelming evidence that such common behaviors are so classic and redundant in NPD/BPD, it would make sense, because the varieties of induced traumas would be quite different and situationally different.. yet the outcomes are startlingly and hautingly almost robotically programmed down to the T. The brain must go into “survival” mode and deal with the most basic of needs…to survive..eat, breath, sleep.. and nothing more. I do suspect that its brain chemistry at work due to torment and trauma and emotional areas of the brain being shut down by ‘overload’ that is responsible for the etiology we see in this condition. Yes from a psychological viewpoint..they are acting out and acting “childish” but I”m sure MRI/PET scan imaging of these people versus normal healthy human beings, when exposed to similar stimulus of emotional cues in their environment could help us to better understand the brain’s response to childhood traumas and help advance cures… a combination of therapies in order to help the NPD/BPD patient overcome their malady.

    I know having been a survivor for many years, that its hard to ‘forgive’ these people. They are human cannibals; they eat the souls of those around them and do it with a shit eating smile… as I suggest an animalistic survival of eating others before being eaten. They have no remorse. They have no feelings of empathy. They can destroy you and watch you suffer and say “ahuh” . They will make you physically sick and hate your self, question your own sanity..and as chamaleons they will convince the whole world they are sane and you are the crazy ones !

    I’ve been thru many relationships only to find out the woman was suffering from BPD and some aspects of NPD.. not realizing how their cruelty was delved out. I also thought I could help them recover. Fat chance…you may as well jump into quicksand on a bicycle and start peddling …faster you go the more you get sucked down into it until you completely drown, and they will walk on to the next victim, hardly looking back to see the damage they’ve wrought on you, unless its to examine your corpse for a pulse to make sure they haven’t missed something they want to destroy…

    I have a mother who has been NPD/BPD her entire life. Her ENTIRE LIFE. Listen to that clearly. She was hated in her family.They called her “Queenie”. She was narcissitic and in love with her own image. She destroyed two husbands and all her children and now lives alone in her own cesspool of self hatred and delusion..still thinking its the 1960’s and she’s the prom queen, and it was everyone else who did this TO HER ! How dare they !??

    Folks, until there is better understanding of how to successfully treat these people with medications and cognitive behavioral modifications, etc. in combination I just don’t see any possible cure ! My siblings and I have all been thru the worst hell on Earth one can imagine having been raised by such a monster who brainwashed people around her with lies and manipulations and unspeakable cruelties.. and I’ve seen them all suffer and work toward recovery.. escaping her clutches , as did her husbands, one by one.. while she remains ‘trapped in the mirror’ of delusion now well into her 60’s.

    If you want to go help these people, as I have done, do so at arms length. Do NOT attempt to LOVE them in a way that makes YOU vulnerable. Hell no ! Approach them as you would a tiger’s cage.. very wary of what damage could be done to you if you’re foolhardy enough to climb right in there to pet him thinking “nice kitty”.

    There are a lot of wonderful women in the world.. but we as a society have to come to terms with the realization and update our gender biased resources…that there are many, many sociopathic females living among us, and because society gives a wide, wide berth to females (once lumping them in with children) to commit all sorts of abuses, it simply makes NPD/BPD females “THE MOST DANGEROUS ANIMAL ON THE PLANET !” hands down ! My guess is that a large portion of our prison system inmates are there because of being abused and raised by these women. Men have very little recourse and empathy in the justice system.. whereas women are still allowed to blame and convict men for their crimes. Its very hard to get NPD/BPD women into the witness stand and convict her.. its her sons and daughters who act out her crimes and sadly pay the ultimate price with their own lives… while she cuts them off as well.

    If you’re involved with a BPD/NPD women, (and if you’re not sure.. check your pulse next time she calls and you answer the phone).. then you had better make a few decisions fast. First decide HOW MUCH YOU HATE YOURSELF and determine how much abuse you’d like to endure before you start. Second make sure your financial assets are secure but determine how much you’d like to be drained financially and set a cut-off. Trust me.. she’ll reach those limits fast !

    Guys.. realize something. These women are criminals. Our justice system is disgustingly lopsided and society is lost its mind under the jurisdiction of feminist insanity. In a just system, these women would be LOCKED UP IN INSANE ASYLUMS and its likely that many were in past centuries ! Today because of feminism being what it is… these women are left to destroy and feed. They are more like animals than people. They blood suck and feed and that is it. They don’t want to recover. The high they get from draining other people is like a vampire feasting. Draculas wenches don’t want a cure.. why? Why ruin all the fun ? Can’t you hear her laughing ?…

    Yes. All of us know what this woman is like. We’ve all thought more than once about putting her 6 ft deep too. That is a natural reaction to being so abused over time that we go into survival mode as well, having little strength left. They goad and tempt you into an altercation too so they can play ‘victim’.. you have to respect the eloquence of their sickness… they have it so designed and failsafe from years of disgusting practice ..and it is THEIR GAME guys… that nobody EXCEPT perhaps another NPD/BPD can even match evenly their scores and if you come anywhere close to it..they will cut and run and go to a lesser opponent.. they are cowards and bullies and con artists.

    I can tell you this however, if you’re angry enough and want some sort of revenge.. common sense tells you that its nearly impossible because they have no remorse or empathy but I’ve seen the contrary. I would never suggest it but there are ways to trip up an NPD/BPD easily enough because they are so ‘limited’ in their cognitive skills. Unfortunately you have to play a lot of mind games of your own… and its just not worth your time unless you’re really invested in getting even with one.

    If you realize how they truly are inside, infantile and beastial in manners, you can play mind games on their insecurities even easier than the way they manipulate you… if you realize how bizarrely insecure and out of touch with reality they are.. living in their own delusions.. I’ve found that you can feed them immense packs of lies and distortions to fuel even greater fears in them..and destabilize them even further, however that might induce them to greater heights of abuse..and you need to watch your back. If you ONE UP them at any given time, they are overcome with fury and will not rest until they’ve done twice the damage to you… you can laugh at that. I find that once you sucker punch one of them back a few times and laugh at them for their gullibility they become enraged and will just simply CUT YOU OUT.. but sit tight for a while as they stew..they will come back to you, feigning love and reconciliation but really they are just priming you up for the next assault. So as long as you know that and don’t drop your guard, treat it as a poker match with more chips ante’d up, you can play the game too… play along with being vulnerable and see how excited they get. You have to be very devious yourself guys to even consider being in this fight.. and I wouldn’t suggest it as ‘therapy’ but I can tell you that I have been guilty of seducing the seducer.. and sending Medusa into her own fiery pit of hell screeaching and screaming revenge… while I’m brushing off my hands with a “bye bye”.

    These are women. They will use the law to manipulate things so never let it get physical, however there are lots of ways to put an NPD/BPD back in her box. Just don’t think you can cure her. And trust that she’ll hate you forever and take that out on the next victim if you did score a direct hit in the blackened mass she calls her “heart”.

    Well stay educated. Stay away from them if you want love and happiness. So many beautiful women out there its just not worth your time.. but if you’ve ever been caught in one’s web and wounded… hey.. you’re a man.. get educated, and teach her a lesson or two at least for your own sense of retaining some of your self esteem. Women think they have the cornerstone on ‘revenge’.. with the age old adage “Hell Hath No Fury…”… well you know what I”d rather deal with a pissed off woman any day than a man with vengeance on his mind… GEtting EVEN with the evil little bitch can leave a lasting smile on YOUR FACE and make for a good story over a beer later on… never underestimate your ability to counter their attacks, because underneath their sickness is a wounded infantile nut-case who can’t fight her own way out of darkness … empower yourself. Train her by blocking her every advance until she has only retreat as an exit strategy. Cut her down to size by leaving “evidence” of how unstable and insecure and distorted and unattractive she is in the environment.. don’t verbally say it to her, let her discover it.. it can be fun on your way to getting rid of the creep…

    We learned as kids how to diffuse and frustrate and undermine our NPD/BPD mother. If all else fails, just ignore them entirely. They really lose it then.

  14. Mj
    March 14, 2010 at 6:36 pm

    I ended my relationship of 3 years with my ex a while back now…and until seeing this site, I blamed myself, second guessed everything and found myslef being dragged back into the loop…with my nose being bloodied everytime! THANK YOU!
    I was constantly told “YOUR TOO SENSITIVE”..or…”IVE NEVER BEEN WITH ANYONE AS STRESSED AS YOU”..i know realise that this was blaming me for my responses to her behaviour..which was shocking.
    My suspicions came when I found that she was using the birth of our daughter to spite her ex’s (basically scaring THEM into thinking THEY were the father)…this disturbed me greatly. She would reciev txt messages from her other ex’s and I caught her “dropping things off” round one of their houses.
    She would NEVER take any kind of responsibilty for OUR joint issues as a couple..it was always me “Stressing”.
    Now i dont see my daughter, because she uses my daughter as a weapon against me, changing appointments, lieing about where my daughter will be, and also she gives me information about her new guy ( who she landed less than a month after i left) in some ditched attempt to make me jelous. theres a long list of crazy shit she does to get me to react. Either way Im the “bad one” and my daughter will suffer because i left….but my prescence will only lead to more control and lies. So i have had to step back from being a father.
    Thank you again Tara!

  15. WOW
    March 3, 2010 at 11:03 pm

    It’s funny that you said that about the cat bird seat…. I just got on the computer because I feel so used after our latest fight. I mean she is happily napping, I am cleaning and watching the kids. Yet…… I feel used here…. This fight started about the way i get treated, and ended with me cleaning…. WTF. On the plus side, I have noticed my slowly taking myself back is starting to get to her. Not a bonus because I want to get to her, but because with this article and her behavior, I have confirmed to a degree what I have known for a long time. I won’t even begin to go into the hurtful things she says to me, things that i never told any one else before that I Thought was safe with her, only to get it thrown back at me.

    I guess though the detachment, and while painful, is healing me and letting me see who I am again. Either way I guess I just trudge on with fixing myself and if in the long run it sees an end to our relationship, at least I will be less unhappy, and my kids won’t have this dysfunctional relationship to look up to.

  16. Lorenzo
    February 3, 2010 at 9:01 am

    This article was great however I dont know that I feel this experience but I am learning that I have not seen things always from this point of view. I dont think of my wife as a controlling person towards me so I wonder is it that she is not controlling or is it that because I never interfere with what she is doing because I am laid back that she has not needed to show obvious forms of control? Of course, when she has her flip-outs based upon her Narc methods it becomes very obvious that she needs to have control or she will go into typical Narc mode. So maybe Control in day to day stuff, when the waters are calm are not nearly as obvious to us?

    • Lorenzo
      February 3, 2010 at 9:08 am

      I just answered my previous post by reading another one of your great articles “How Emotionally Abusive Women Control You: The Fear of Loss and the Need for Approval”

      The Way Out

      Don’t let her solicited and unsolicited opinions get to you anymore. Recognize them for what they are: Abusive control tactics. Your overall goal is emotional detachment, which means you’re not invested in the outcome of this relationship. Once you’re no longer afraid of “losing” or care about receiving her approval, you’ll see the balance of power in the relationship shift.

      She will be less able to “get to you,” which is a good thing. You’ll begin to care less, which is psychologically freeing. You’ll become more immune to the traps she sets and she won’t be able to figure out what the hell is happening. As you step out of this dysfunctional emotional dynamic, she’ll escalate her nasty behaviors as she frantically tries to maintain control and bully you back into place. She’ll be uncharacteristically speechless when her tried and true control devices no longer work.

      Just remember, the more you commit to taking care of yourself, the more embittered she’ll grow. She’ll accuse you of being “selfish,” “inconsiderate” and “uncaring.” This is a good sign—for you. Abusive women view any attempt you make at self-care and growth as a grave betrayal. How dare you do something positive for yourself? How dare you not let her make you feel bad?

      The more you put your needs first, the stronger and healthier you’ll become and your attraction to this supremely unhealthy woman should diminish. Abusive women remain in control by keeping you disoriented, hurting and in a psychologically weakened state. This is why she becomes alarmed when she sees you taking care of yourself.

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