Home > Abusive relationships, Borderline Personality Disorder, divorce, Marriage, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Psychology, relationships > Sex and Control: How Men Get Screwed by Emotionally Abusive Women

Sex and Control: How Men Get Screwed by Emotionally Abusive Women


giant screwSex is a very important part of a healthy and loving relationship. If you’re involved with an emotionally abusive narcissistic and/or borderline woman, the sex has probably become bad for your self-esteem and general well-being, just like everything else in your relationship.

NPD/BPD women basically have three behaviors toward sex: hyper-sexuality, hot and cold, or frigidity. Sometimes, the same woman can alternate between all three behaviors.

[Note: Sex drives may vary greatly from person to person and aren’t necessarily an irresolvable issue in an otherwise loving and compatible relationship. This post focuses on the unhealthy attitudes and behaviors these women have toward sex.]

First, let’s explore the essential elements for love and a fulfilling sex life.

Vulnerability, trust, intimacy, empathy, and  respect — or the lack thereof.

There are 5 prerequisites for love and great sex:

  1. Vulnerability. This means taking a risk, exposing your true self, your needs and desires. It’s risky because you could be rejected or ridiculed. It’s impossible for an NPD/BPD woman to make herself vulnerable because she’s invested most of her life in crafting an elaborate and rigid false self to hide her highly damaged true self.
  2. Trust. You trust your partner to accept you and to not deliberately hurt you. This woman trusts no one. She believes everyone is out for themselves and trying to “get one over” on her. This is an example of projection. She’s out for herself and tries to constantly get one over on you.
  3. Intimacy. This is about sharing and getting close physically, psychologically and emotionally.
  4. Empathy. This requires being in tune with the other person and being able to experience how they feel and what they want and need.
  5. Respect. This woman treats her husband or boyfriend like an object; not an equal partner whose feelings and needs are just as important as her own. Bottom line: She doesn’t respect you.

An emotionally abusive NPD/BPD woman is incapable of empathy. She’s incapable of seeing any viewpoint other than her own and only cares about her needs and feelings. She’d rather stick bamboo splinters under her fingernails than feel vulnerable and she cannot, cannot tolerate emotional and psychological intimacy. She can tolerate some physical intimacy, as long as it doesn’t lead to the other forms of intimacy. Basically, in order to avoid emotional and psychological intimacy, she either engages in hyper-sexuality or avoids sex altogether. But why?

True intimacy means sharing your good qualities as well as your faults and insecurities with your partner, which this woman will never do. Not only does this woman not let down her guard, she ‘s constantly attacking you or pushing your buttons in order to keep her vulnerabilities from being exposed. Consequently, you feel unsafe and on your guard, even though a love partner is the one person with whom you should feel safe enough to let down your guard. This doesn’t bode well for a mutually satisfying sex life.

So why is she even in a relationship if she doesn’t trust, respect or love you?

1. You’re her normalcy prop. Being married or in a committed relationship gives her the appearance of normalcy to the outside world. You play an integral role in maintaining her false self. “See. Someone wants me. There’s nothing wrong with me. Normal people get married. Therefore, I’m normal because I’m married.

2. She can’t exist without attention. Good attention, bad attention; it doesn’t matter. For her purposes, you could be anybody. She likes the idea of having a boyfriend or husband in the abstract, but the reality of being in a relationship is filled with frustration and disappointment for her because you’re not “perfect” or “good enough” for her highly inflated false sense of self. She soon grows to resent you and then the covert and overt abuse and rage attacks begin. Conversely, you try to hold her accountable and point out her imperfections. She can’t have that.

As a result of not living up to her lofty and unrealistic expectations (by the way, no one is capable of doing so), she doesn’t really like you very much. She plays the role of martyr to the hilt, professing her love for you in one breath and cutting you down and shutting you out with the next. You can’t have a satisfying emotional and physical connection with  someone who doesn’t like you and sees you as a “disappointment.” This is another example of projection. In reality, she’s the disappointment and failure as a life partner.

It all comes down to control and bolstering her ego.

Sex isn’t about expressing love, lust, intimacy, passion, affection or mutual pleasure. Instead, many of these women use sex to lure you into the relationship. Once she feels confident that she’s hooked you, sex becomes one of the ways she controls you—either by sexing you up or by withholding it. There are two primary ways of doing this.

1. The insatiable sexual virtuoso. The sex starts off with a bang. The sheer intensity of it is mind blowing, but deceiving. The intensity is actually a symptom of the severity of her pathology. What seems like intense passion to you, is really her intense need to control and dominate you into submission. I repeat, it’s about controlling you, not pleasing you.

You’re also her sex prop. She treats you like a mechanical object/scratching post/human vibrator and/or a way to make herself feel desirable, sexy or “the best.” Roger Melton, M.A. explains: “I love you” means “I need you to love me.” “That was the best ever for me” means “Tell me it was the best ever for you. Show me that I have you.” Sex isn’t an act of true intimacy, but rather another way for her to feel admired and in control. Eventually, this will cause you to feel used and distant instead of loved and emotionally connected. This form of sexuality may be constant or blow hot and cold. It depends upon how often she needs this kind of validation and/or how great her need for control is.

2. The withholding welcher. Alternately, an emotionally abusive, NPD/BPD woman lures you into a relationship with the unspoken promise of passionate sex once you’ve “proven” yourself and she “feels” she can “trust you.” Alexander Lowen, M.D. explains this kind of seduction as “a false statement or promise to get another person to do what he or she would not otherwise do. The promise can be explicitly stated, or it can be implied. Psychopathic swindlers openly promise something they have no intention of giving. But most seductive ploys involve promises that are not clearly stated” (Narcissism: Denial of the True Self, p. 102).

This is a trap because the passionate sex never materializes. You have to keep proving yourself “worthy” of her and, as many of my readers know, nothing is ever enough for these women. You can never be nice enough, do enough or meet any of her other ill-defined, diffuse, shifting rules and requirements enough for her to “reward” you with sex. Sex is a chore for this woman, an obligation or a “favor” she begrudgingly bestows with growing infrequency and ultimately becomes a transaction.

A transactional relationship is one in which person A provides a service in exchange for person B providing a service. Prostitution is a kind of transactional relationship and so is sex with this kind of NPD/BPD woman. In other words, if you want to get laid, then you have to give her something she wants or behave how she wants you to behave. This is another way she controls you.

There’s always an agenda, even if it’s having sex so you won’t end the relationship. It’s still a transaction. “You owe me because I let you have sex with me. I did my ‘duty,’ so now you can’t leave.” Most men are so grateful for even the smallest scrap of affection that they ignore the perfunctory and disinterested way in which their wife or girlfriend treats sex. Like a man who’s been wandering through the desert views a thimble full of water; you’re grateful for what little you get.

No matter the scenario, you’re not her beloved, equal partner; you’re either a to-do list item, a human vibrator, and/or a way for her to feel like she’s still “got it.”

Shame and sex don’t mix.

This kind of woman may also increase her control by combining sex with shame. For example, she labels you as “perverse,”  “sick” or “abnormal” for wanting sex, when she’s the one who has a perverse, twisted sexuality and relationship beliefs—this is more projection. Typical statements include: “There’s something wrong with you. You’re a sex addict. You’re a pervert. All you want is sex.” Shaming you for the very natural desire of  physical intimacy in your committed relationship is incredibly abusive and can leave emotional scars.

The NPD/BPD woman will only have sex when she wants it, which is usually after you’ve been so beaten down that you no longer have any interest in touching her. Contrary to what she believes, criticism, rages, and the cold shoulder do not make for great aphrodisiacs. When you tell her that you’re not in the mood (go figure), she insults your manhood, accuses you of infidelity, of not loving her and so on and so forth.

She expects you to perform a thousand and one feats of devotion before she takes the lid off the cookie jar, yet expects you to perform on demand whether you want to or not. This is another example of her utter lack of empathy. Sex is about what she needs in that given moment and has nothing to do with you. You’re nothing more than object who exists to service her every whim, need and insecurity.

Screwed, but not in the good way.

In the end, a Narcissistic-Borderline woman tends to make a poor lover. Even if she’s mastered a range of techniques, sex is ultimately a mechanical act devoid of true intimacy. If you view sex as simply a mechanistic, impersonal stimulus/release interaction, this may be enough. If you view sex as a medium of expression in which you share love, lust, playfulness, raw animal passion, desire, tenderness and mutual fantasies, sex with this kind of woman will never be enough. Sex becomes just another empty and dissatisfying exchange with your partner.

For those of you who think you’ve lucked out because you’re with the sexual performer, think again. It may be more difficult to end your relationship because you’re also confusing sex with intimacy and can fall back on the lie, “at least the sex is good.” Is it really? Or is it making it more difficult for you to recognize the degree to which you’re being abused, to end the relationship and to find a woman who’s capable of true emotional and physical intimacy?

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries or send an email to shrink4men@gmail.com.

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Giant screw by horobin on Picasa.

  1. Jake
    September 16, 2015 at 7:57 pm

    Holy smokes!! This article practically sums up word for word my last relationship. We started off with so much great sex and then about a 6 months in, she hit me with the “I think we have sex too much and it cheapens the experience for me, I want it to be special, not just a routine”. Unfortunately sex then became something that I was lucky to get maybe twice a month. I’m 32 and she is 29, there isn’t any way that we shouldn’t have still be at it like rabbits. I (luckily) listened to the inner voice telling me to GO!! and pulled the trigger and moved out. I sometimes sit and wonder if the decision was the right one, and when I need to remind myself that it was, I often come onto this site and read the articles. I feel much better about the decision to end my relationship with my ex, as she wasn’t the right girl for me. Unfortunately, we still had other issues, as she was controlling and manipulative. We had an argument one time about something silly, (an assigned parking spot in our apartment complex) and in the heat of the argument after repeatedly ignoring my requests to address the issue at hand (she always pointed out what I did wrong, or how something was always my fault) I frustratingly told her she was “out of her god damned mind”. As you can guess that didn’t go over well, but by the end of the night she had convinced me that I had verbally abused her and that she didn’t know if she could ever forgive me for that transgression. I felt so awful that I was in tears about the whole thing. In retrospect, I laugh now, because she is out of her mind, and she’s a very, very good puppeteer. I luckily cut the strings and said SEE YA!!

    Thanks for the article and the positive reinforcement, albeit not directly to me.

    Jake

  2. Michael
    May 19, 2015 at 5:10 pm

    I had no clue what was the issue with my gf until I ran acrooss this blog. And its actually really making me concerned because I am still currently with her. And its something im just now realizing. So I confused about is leaving the right thing or should I try to save things. Me and my gf have been together for going on 4 years. (Hasnt worked in over a year) Ive been taking care of her. We have a son together. Now 8 months. Before her pregnancy sex was always alive and special. Even during the pregnancy she participated frequently. After the birth of our son. Which I struggled with the time the doctor stated us not to have sex. And I respected it totally. We went months and months without it. But everytime we would try she would say it was uncomfortable. We tried tactics, lubrication I gave her full body massages to loosen her tensity just to make her relax. But she just never seemed to be into as much anymore. Soon enough. I walked in on my gf having a conversation with her bestfriend on the phone about how shes just not never in the mood anymore. So she would make excuses. I instantly was mind blown because shes been telling me she hasnt been making excuses. I grew angry and headed for the door. She would not let me get my shoes on and she starts boo ooo crying. Saying how bad she didnt want me to go. That she didnt mean it that way its just a little uncomfortable. We sat and talked that night and I forgave her. And later that night she seduced me. With no problem. & its like how? When almost everyday you complained about how uncomfortable it was to you? So recently. It has gotten worse. Shes never in the mood rarely. And when we try its never any passion. Im usually the one always initiating. And if I dare even bring up the subject of sex. She tells me how annoying I am. Thats all you think about. Shes doesnt want to talk about it. Im very open, and I want to help her, help us. But lately by her rejecting me so much and not putting any passion into our sex life. My mind is losing connection. She says she still loves me that she couldnt imagine it without me being there. But shes just focused on being successful for thr baby (which I respect) bc its places SHE wants to go and places SHE wants to see. Pratically saying sex is just not as important to her anymore as it is to me. I here all the time its just a phase with women with kids. So im hoping it is with her. Bc her and my son are the most important thing in my life. But reading this idk what to think. Did she just lure me in with firing sex because she knew I was a great guy. Id make a great husband one day? And now that she knows im deeply in love with her. She can use me at will. Or is just a phase bc of childbirth? Ive put so much into this. Financially and mentally. But im not sure what to do at this point after reading this. Bc she begginning to be so similar. Any suggestions Dr.Tara.

    • onemeremember
      May 21, 2015 at 10:36 pm

      Look up two other blog posts here and you will get your answer.
      1. 10 Signs your girlfriend or wife is an emotional bully.
      2.

      • onemeremember
        May 21, 2015 at 10:43 pm

        I have no idea what happened there, sorry.
        2. 13 Signs your wife or girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist.
        You may also like to look up the videos done by Dr T and Paul Elam. Here is one and you can pick and choose from the others. I can’t bring it up at the moment, but get onto the Youtube channel and type in “Paul Elam and Dr T on Apostacy Now”. It seems to me that she may be seeing her child as an extension of herself and that is not good for the child as her job as a Mother is to help you to bring up the child to be a functioning, independent thinking adult.

  3. Raj
    May 2, 2015 at 4:32 am

    I have a bpd wife. Everything you wrote is very true. I have 2 sons who are 14 and 18 years old. It’s because of their education n happiness that I still haven’t thrown the towel in or call it quits. But I have my physical needs too. What you said is very true. She actually resents me and is only using me as an object or husband material. Please advise.

  4. Phil
    April 27, 2015 at 5:01 am

    My girlfriend totally has these NPD traits and I don’t know how to deal with them. She used to say in out relationship that she wanted sex everyday, but I had to push it and she liked it being forced on her. But she would still come up with excuses like she’s tired or not feeling good. It hurts after a while of this kind of rejection. They when we have an argument she turns around and says I need to stop thinking about sex so much, even though she put the pressure on me to try every day. She keeps telling me I try to pressure to much even though she set the relationship in such a way. She also said I was the first guy she had sent x-rated pics too but I found dated pics on her phone, and she went nuts whe I confronted Her about lying.

  5. René
    March 16, 2015 at 1:35 pm

    to my ex , it was also a controll game. in july we were dating and had all the time and space to have sex, but she refused. i thought ok , at least she doesnt jump in bed with anyone. she left for a 18 day holiday , and during those 18 days, she just left me. I thought everything was going fine, no arguements nothing. so than she kept playing the hot and cold game with me for 7 weeks, everytime i responded to her flirting she would act very distant and cold. it really frustrated me. what does she want from me. so after excessive flirting again, i decided to go to her place and ask confront her. she let me in, i told her, listen i know you still like me. well she started leaning at me, and after some foreplay she said, i need to take a quick shower. came back, and immediately hit off with me. slowly undressed her and had sex 4 times in 5 days time. remember , she still had a LDR with this guy in her hometown, and now she was having unprotected sex with me. As much as i was wrong for not having any condoms with me, she only told me after the 2nd time that she stopped taking bc pills. she asked me if i wanted children, so i told her that i do want children but that she thought one was enough. so i asked her, you still take the pill right, thats when i found out she didnt. ofcourse you know what happens next, she gets pregnant and we remained intimate but didnt have sex. she miscarried our child, and slowly she only became hatefull with me. less affectionate and she started using sex against me. the doctor advised her to take a rest, but 3 weeks or so was good enough. she would than say, cant wait to have sex again within 3 weeks, but she would just prolong those weeks. from 3 to 4, to 6 . than i can remember how she would sexually arouse me, sitting on my lap, touching my … but i wasnt allowed to touch her… sometimes we would sit on her sofa, and i wasnt allowed to sit to close or touch her, kiss her or anything. only when she thought it was ok. once she was sitting next to me, and had a t shirt and thong on. it looked so great and than i tried some foreplay but in the beginning she would say no. eventually she gave in, and just let me do what ever i wanted .

    or sometimes she wouldnt wanted me to touch her, than out of nowhere , she would lay her head at rest on my chest, started touching me and than all was ok. it was so frustrating. or she would tell me to leave, so i put my shoes on, than she would pull me in and give me a hand job. now she is seeing someone else, more than one person i guess. people warned me but i thought i knew a different girl. something she also liked to do, was to dance, than grind me and when i wanted to go a step further, she would let me touch her breast but she didnt wanted to go any further.

    I really loved her but she threw me into a depression and it really hurts that i thought we had something going on, the intimacy, that i wouldnt just share with anyone. i trusted her, when he had unprotected sex, i think im just lucky that i didnt get any std. i hope one day she will see that her behavior is wrong and unhealthy in many ways. i think she has BPD or NPD. btw to her its also normal that guy friends stay over to sleep, yes she told me but to me its unacceptable, to her apperantly it isnt. i hope she will one day come back and hopefully change but i dont think she ever will. now she hates me, no matter what i do, she finds a way to insult me or cut of any try i give at establishing a normal healthy understanding. do i want her back, yes but not her attitude.

  6. broken, once
    March 1, 2015 at 1:56 am

    so…..I ended a 16 year relationship a couple of years ago with my now ex-wife. this description is an excellent articulation of what our relationship was like. it’s shocking how spot on it is.

    thanks

  7. J
    February 23, 2015 at 4:41 am

    I think I may also be in a BPD relationship but with some subtle differences. My partner when she is in a normal mood can be incredibly playful, fun, energetic, sweet and kind and very generous too. Its really like she is two different people.

    Sometimes all it takes is one small little thing to set her off. Like an example if I were to read something on my phone for 10mins too long she would accuse me of ignoring her even though I had just spent the whole evening giving her my undivided attention.

    She also uses sex as a bargaining chip but its a bit different for us. She works night shifts including weekends while I.work 9-5. I have my weekends while she is halfway through her working week and vice versa. Sometimes we’re like ships passing in the night.

    This lifestyle had destroyed our sex life. And she fails to acknowledge that her work schedule plays a big part. I am guilty of losing interest in sex but it didn’t help when she started getting upset with me because I refused her sex a few times when she woke me up at 4am and expected me to be aroused. Personally I’m more of a morning sex person but she doesn’t like it. As a result we can go months without having sex and its frustrating. I’m trying to fix the problem but its compounded by her saying I’m initiating sex because she complained about the lack of sex and in a few months everything will go back to how it was. And its also not helped by the fact that she gets very moody or touchy sometimes that we end up having an argument and she stops talking to me for a few days and becomes very cold and hostile. It gets to the point where she doesn’t want to be in the same room as me. This does nothing to foster a healthy sexual relationship.

    As far as the sex goes its good. She always seems to really enjoy and she lets me take control which I like. Its the frequency or lack of that drives her crazy but then she really doesn’t give me a chance to get things back on track by putting up these defensive barriers and keeps claiming that I don’t like sex and I don’t really want to have sex with her. Its so frustrating and I actually have no idea when she wants sex and or how initiate it anymore. Sometimes I’m too scared for fear of being knocked back. I wish she would just drop this negative attitude of hers and appreciate my attempts to initiate rather than flinging accusations at me like I don’t like sex or I don’t like her etc, which completing destroys our libido. I don’t know I feel like we need to find a way to connect again somehow.

  8. William
    February 10, 2013 at 7:15 am

    This is all very helpful. I met the most beautiful, intelligent, sexy woman that was so vulnerable, and really understood me. We spent hours talking, and sharing our life stories. I felt like I was with the first woman that was just perfectly imperfect. The sex was great, and she seemed to really be able to communicate what she liked without words. This was a real match… it felt magical and like some storybook tale. Then, without any warning, she just wasn’t there anymore… sure physically she hadn’t left, but, it was like aliens had abducted this warm and willing partner, and left a cold and distant stranger. She even looked different… her face was no longer the sweet woman’s face that I had fallen in love with, but, now had a hard and almost masculine quality. I tried to coax my darling back, without success. I finally broke down one afternoon, and crying asked her where my love had disappeared to? She told me that sometimes she gets disconnected from her body. She disassociates and that is why she had been a cutter and a purger. I was surprised, we had shared so many things, but, she hadn’t mentioned any of this. She started acting like sex was some burden or work for her… she was shocked that I thought sex when best was really lovemaking and was something that was to be enjoyed as often as possible, especially in new relationships. I proceeded to do everything imaginable for her, to demonstrate that I loved her and I have always been there to pick her up when she is down. I won’t go into the details of all the things I’ve done for her as an expression of love. The problem is that while I did none of those things with an expectation of reward, she has never done anything for me. I mean even little things like birthday cards, or making dinner of coffee… I do everything and worse, she almost never even says “thank you” unless I remind her. It like a 4 year old… “What do you say?”
    So I find myself in love, emotionally bonded to this thing… almost reptilian in her nature, that withholds affection, intimacy and sex, she is completely self centered… and now is unfriendly and uncommunicative. She refuses to talk about anything of substance and just takes and takes as if she is entitled to a free ride. Sex with her is rare, and, never intimate… as much as I try to engage her with touch, and talk, she just wants to get off and then go shower. No cuddling, she doesn’t even like to be touched afterwards… a new experience for me.
    She rebuffs any advance on my part, but, will volunteer while watching TV that she could “Do her” referring to some female model or film star, or some woman or girl in a restaurant. I have asked her if she wanted to sleep with a woman, or have a three way, but, she says she has kissed many women, and fondled a few, but, she isn’t gay, and doesn’t think she would ever sleep with a woman.
    Note: Her Mother was sexually abused over many years starting at the age of 6 by her own father. He then deserted the family and left her Mother with literally a wicked step mother. Her mother still idolized her Father and says that while she knows it was wrong, that he always made her feel so special and loved. My girlfriend, has an older sister who is in and out of drug and alcohol rehab, and the two of them were raised by their abused Mother, who used to regularly call them for dinner, calling out… “get in here for dinner you cunt lickers!” This was normal… I have discovered that she likes to be “tickled” this means lightly touching her head, naked neck, arms, back, buttox, legs, breast and groin systematically, apparently her Mother would do this every evening… She denies that her Mother every “molested” her, although, that behavior seems abusive when done to a pre adolescent girl? I have noticed that one way to get her in the mood for sex every two months it to reproduce this “tickling” until she is wet, and then she gets sexually active, but, not intimate. It’s creepy, because it feels like I am just reproducing some childhood abuse. Anyway, I can’t take it anymore. I have offered to help her, offered to help her find a good person to explore all these issues. I told her that even though she thinks we should break up, that whoever she finds, she will need to understand why she is currently incapable of loving. I wrote a story for her call the “Girl that couldn’t Love” It makes perfect sense to me now. Here this poor beautiful smart little girl is raised by a women that never was loved as a child should be. Instead her Mother was programed to be used and use other people, she never learned empathy, never learned trust, never learned that intimacy could be fun and safe. So my girlfriend of course never learned any of these things. BTY… my girlfriend’s father left when she 10 and returned at 12 but has always remained distant, and critical. So of course I feel so badly for her, and that brings out all the knight in shining armor fantasies most of us men carry around. Naturally I have tried to talk about some of these things, but, that only prompted her telling me that we should break up.
    I suspect it is all to threatening for her. I am still being a co-dependent Non, by letting her stay here free, all meals included, but, that ends in March. Anyway, that’s my BPD story… they are so sweet, but, not really truly human in the deepest sense, I know they can learn to love, but, I suspect only from another person who can model and mirror for them, it is just as frustrating as an addict, or a depressed person, the brain chemistry makes insight almost impossible. I am not mad at her. I really understand that she is doing the best she can, I just wish I could reach inside and adjust the dials a little.
    Let her see how wonderful, talented, beautiful and charming she is. I cherish her and while I can’t stay, I will always love her and wish her the very best.

  9. December 30, 2012 at 7:24 am

    Dr Tara. Love ur site and comments. You could be describing my wife to a T. But I’m only starting to see this now and were together 14 yrs and married 10 with 3 kids later. She stripped my of all my self confidence closed down two business I had which employed 14 people and now I’m just and employee. I really feel a failure and so small I can behine to explain but just reading ur site makes me feel and see she is not normal. She totally controls our all most no sex life she bully’s our kids and controls the whole house. But my question is how do I feel with situation can u advise please I live in ireland tnks for taking the time xxxx

    • shrink4men
      January 2, 2013 at 6:46 pm

      Hi Yeepee,

      I am sorry to read that you are living this. First things first, get some support for yourself — offline or online.

      If you would like some online support, please visit and register with http://www.shrink4menforum.com. There’s a lot of wonderful peer support there from people in very similar situations.

      Kind Regards,
      Dr Tara

    • rob47
      May 27, 2015 at 4:30 am

      Yepee…I am sure we must be sharing the same woman…your situation describes my experience to a t…amazing how similar these types are…did they go to the same school or what…?

  10. AJ
    December 5, 2012 at 7:17 am

    Dr. Tara,
    You are a blessing in disguise. Thank you thank you thank for posting this.
    I was in a relationship with a woman until this morning, until I discovered this article, until my eyes were finally opened last night at 10:45. Until I sent her this post since it said it all so beautifully.
    I was shaking with a combination of anger, disgust, relief, sadness, bitterness, sick to my stomach and just wanted to crawl out of my skin.
    This morning her phsycoloigical and emotional deck of card facade, came crashing down, and within a matter of minutes after she confronted me in a raging screaming psychotic meltdown of accusations, excuses and guilt and just scrambling to quickly throw water out of her sinking boat to no avail as she quickly sunk herself in her true disorder.
    I was in love with (the false representation) of this woman and she pretended to be in love with me. But I always had that gnawing feeling that uneasy something just isn’t right every single moment that I spent with her.
    This article was my defense attorney that uncovered and brought to life such a wonderful truth to me regarding this relationship that would have tore me to shreds if I allowed it.
    It’s just unsettling just terrifying that monsters like this truly exist and cause so much heartache and damage to the men that truly love them and cherish them.
    I pray to God that men in these types of relationships, love themselves just enough that they will get out of them.
    I can only imagine what my life would be like if I married her.
    Gentleman, please, for the love of you and you sanity…….you deserve better, you really can meet that wonderful exciting and loving woman who is praying for a man like you to come into her life……don’t keep her waiting please…..cut the cancer that is laying besides you and go find that dream girls that truly exists.
    I can’t wait to find mine.
    Take care,

    AJ

  11. Nonickname
    July 24, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    Sorry for above – I didn’t notice the Quote option.

    Btw, this site is amazingly helpful. I had know idea that others were going through this, I thought it was just my very own messed up little world. I thought it was just the way she was. I had no idea of BPD, or, NPD and such… I simply never knew that there was a label. I’m still trying figure out what’s wrong with my wife, but, I must say after reading a whole lot lately on these disorders…… . . . I’ve come to believe that she has quite a few.

    I’m really looking forward for my account to get approved, so I can share my own horror story and hopefully get some great advice. (I’m very much looking forward to it.)

    I feel like my story may be way beyond what anyone, or, almost anyone can understand -> simply because my wife is beyond out of whack.

    It’ll really blow your mind to say the least. Thanks for any help in advance. Really, thanks.

  12. Nonickname
    July 24, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    “I thought throughout, when she was coming on to me after weeks of no activity, she’d ask, “Let’s go ****” No kissing, no foreplay, no flirting during the day, and I’d sit there and think, I was hyper-sensitive and must be the only man in the world that needs emotional and psychological arousal to get the physical working too.”

    WOW!!! That is EXACTLY how I feel, ALL the time. It’s mind boggling how weak that she makes me.

  13. Carlo C
    July 17, 2012 at 12:28 am

    Damn, this site is a God send.
    Absolutely everything you say is exactly how my wife has been since we first met.
    When we first talked about previous partners, she’d describe her ex’s as terrible, she lay there whilst they had sex and she couldn’t wait for them to finish. She described herself as frigid and not aroused mentally by them, whereas…..

    With us, the connection was “unbelievable, it was breathless, it was trusting and completely open to experiences.”
    It dwindled to nothing within a year of marriage, all things told, we seperated for 3 months before we chatted again and met up for coffee etc, except she would be in the car telling me she was frustrated, wanted sex.
    So sex returned to every chance we had, always aggressive, hard and looking back, fast.

    Only reading tonight, has it occurred to me, she wanted it as fast as possible, always encouraging the act to finish quickly. She never wanted massage, she never wanted to kiss during intercourse but would be happy to repeat a few times an evening or night.

    When I moved back in, she said “Great we can have sex loads now” Again, another thought, she never said making love.

    Anyway, my last post was enough to bore anyone (well, hope not) but I have to say this.
    I was 19 stone (266lbs) at one stage, and through my own mental strength got down to 12stone (168). Throughout the long days, weeks and months, I kept motivated and even on down days, kept believing in myself.
    A lot of people who know me have asked for my help since, and with the help of internet and other communication, I have come to understand how important it is to never feel alone. You are not the only one experiencing your issue.

    I thought throughout, when she was coming on to me after weeks of no activity, she’d ask, “Let’s go ****” No kissing, no foreplay, no flirting during the day, and I’d sit there and think, I was hyper-sensitive and must be the only man in the world that needs emotional and psychological arousal to get the physical working too.

    I went to see my doctor a few weeks back, and wanted some medication for ED because it had proven ineffective the day before.
    “Carlo, you’re not a stupid man. You wouldn’t need a placebo or anything else, this is psychological and until you re-frame your thinking, nothing will help.”

    As always, God Bless everyone

  14. confused and concerned
    July 3, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    Thank you all for your commentary and sharing. It is amazing how the stories that you all have to share mirror my marriage exactly.

    I am at a loss as to what to do at this point. My wife and I have 3 young boys who I love more than anything, and I want to do whatever is best for them. I am very, very torn as to what to do.

    I have been trying to get my wife to try a new marriage counselor (we have tried 3 others — two that she decided were no good when they started getting too close to the real issues in our marriage, and one that I left due to her absolute lack of knowledge in BPD and some other strange beliefs/statements that I feel make it unlikely for her to be a good resource), but have been put on hold.

    I think that I am going to make one more effort in a few weeks, and if that doesn’t go anywhere, I am going to have to make some very hard choices.

    I am very scared about the position that will put my sons in, though — my wife is a very high-functioning borderline (undiagnosed, to the best of my knowledge) with a very good career, and the custody process is unlikely to be favorable to me. I have a good job that provides a high degree of flexibility, but it does require travel (some international) and I am afraid that will count against me in the eyes of the court. In the past few years, I have significantly reduced my travel schedule from what it was and try to be home as much as possible, but some absence from home is a requirement. This is a bit of a quandary for me, as there are times that I am afraid to leave them alone in her care for an extended period of time. On the other hand, I am afraid to give up the financial security/freedom that my current position provides. At least now, I am in the home 90+% of the time when they are together and can defuse situations and maintain standard rules and expectations with them.

    At the end of the day, I have written off my happiness for the time being, but want to make sure that I am making the right choices for the boys. I pray for the wisdom to know what that choice is and the mental strength to see it through.

  15. bernbeau
    June 10, 2012 at 5:50 pm

    Oh, how all of this rings true!!! And I share your grief!!! Four years after an ugly divorce, I am still putting the pieces together!!! Twenty years of folly…..of not knowing….of believing, of doubting!! She tried to beak me…….but in the end, I broke her and she left…..blaming me, of course. For those with children, take heart…..in time, they too will see through her carefully-crafted false self. My 15 year old son recently decided that he no longer wanted to live with her!!!! Remember, her folly runs through every fiber of her being!!! She can mimic normalcy…..but in the end, the BPD comes out.
    It’s truly amazing to see her operate!!! My eldest son recently graduated from university and, at the family diner (which we all attended), she attempted to seduce my 15 year old back into her fold. It was pathetic!!! She was syrupy-sweet!!! And yet, nothing!!! Why…..because, he recognizes the Jekyll-Hyde nature of her personality!!
    My advice to those afflicted with a BPD wife or ex-wife!! Just walk away…..keep walking in a straight line……and then keep walking!!! In time, when you turn around, she’ll be gone!!
    And the NC rule…..as in No Contact!!!
    On another note, despite all that I have said (and my bravado), I am damaged goods. My sexuality, my sensitivity, and my being are damaged…..I fear irreparably!!! Oh well, at least, I still have my sanity!!
    God bless!!!

  16. standingstill
    May 25, 2012 at 12:54 am

    i am a guest here but have read many of the articles and feel that many of them apply to my relationship with my wife. i have joined the forums and am waiting to be accepted. i guess i am a bit wary of speaking too publicly as she tracks everything i do. websites, phonecalls, anything she can. she has even tracked me using cell gps services, blocked friends and co-workers from calling me and more. im kinda worried,,,,

    • shrink4men
      May 25, 2012 at 10:57 pm

      Hi standingstill,

      Will be going through new forum registrations tomorrow. Hang tight.

      Dr T

  17. Nedin
    May 24, 2012 at 7:14 pm

    Dr Tara
    How about when there is a condition exists like premature ejaculation in long term abusive marriage? And obliviously there is a very good reason for this type of women for not having sex and patronise their partner. How we can convince these men that is nothing wrong with them and I’m sure is one of the most important reason they don’t leave their dysfunctional marriages?

    • shrink4men
      May 24, 2012 at 7:20 pm

      Hi Nedin,

      The best thing is to educate and offer support.

      Kind Regards,
      Dr Tara

  18. Georg
    April 22, 2012 at 1:06 am

    Oh, God… I wish I had read this four years ago…

  19. Carl
    April 8, 2012 at 10:01 am

    Oh my god, I just surfed in, and I must say you couldn’t be more accurate. My wife and I started the exact same way you said. She lured me in with sex. I worked as maintenance for a resort and she was in hospitality. She was hired maybe six months after me. For the first week or so I barely noticed her. But then I noticed every time I saw her she would smile and when I spoke to her she flirted like crazy. Finally, one day after work she deliberately and with much fanfair, takes off her smock to reveal a very provocative outfit and then walks thru the courtyard nonchalantly knowing I was stationed there and then enters the other wing of the building. She later told me she did it to get my attention. Well, after that day we started seeing each other and the sex was fantastic… I wrote all of that to contrast it with today, where her position is “all you want from me is sex”. First off, that is not true though I enjoy sex with her immensely, one of our favorite things to do was talk for hours and I used to sing Beatles songs to her until she fell asleep. But if you see it that way, I tell her, then its your fault since you used sex to get my attention. When I say things like that to her she just gives me a blank look of some sort and continues to argue her point regardless.

    I’ve experienced the same thing others have; she bought a book about using anger in relationships and gave it to me to read. The book essentially lays out how to ‘argue’ with your mate constructively, i.e. not using statements that accuse but rather stating how your partner action/inaction made you feel. I then approached her using the techniques I had learned in the book and she on the other hand proceeded to violate all of the don’ts of the book. I asked her, Did you read the book? She tried to ignore the question but eventually admitted she had not read the book. I walked away.

    We will reach our nineteenth year this fall, we’ve been officially married for 15 years now. As of now, we are not having sex at all. I have not cheated on her but I have every right to at this point. She’s cheated on me with a family member and lied in my face when I asked her to look me in the eye. But you know what, that wasn’t the thing that burned the most. It was the fact that during that same 6 mo. period she was fighting with me and we were having no sex. And her excuse was because of my ‘addiction’ to porn. The same porn that we watched together for the first 16 years of our relationship is now misogynistic trash and the cause of us not having sex. During this period she threw out all of our videos (but not her toys) deleted all of my files from my profile on the computer, deleted contacts in my phone she did not know or approve of; same for my emails. I had to redo all of my passwords and secret questions. She disabled the computer because in her mental delusion that is her sexual competition. All this while carrying on an affair.

    She also went out one night with her friend and her husband (?) and made it a point to say she is going alone. Well at 12:30a I get a call from her friend saying they have lost my wife. They think she has been taken to a man’s house (??!?) Long story short, she apparently was making out with some dude in the bar like they were newlyweds (according to her best friends sister who was out with them with her boyfriend). They all went for a smoke (wife does not smoke) and when they returned she and lover-boy and his friend were gone. They waited 45 minutes before panicking and calling me. Eventually, my wife made her way home after 6am. I didn’t say a word to her and she tried to lie and say she fell asleep at her friends house. I told her her friend called me and her sister told me about loverboy and the kissing and petting in the booth. I told her how I rushed to the club initially concerned that she had been abducted and then found out from other patrons they saw her walk away on her own from the club under loverboy’s arm.

    She then said she did not remember. She had too much to drink and she blacked out and when she woke up she was on a strange couch with her clothes on. Odd thing was, her under garments were missing. But she was sure she did not have sex.

    These are the only two I know about but I am certain there has to be more.

    I am exhausted writing this but it felt good. Sorry if its’ too long. Also, I probably don’t have to say this but I am not perfect and I have not been perfect in our relationship. Not that I cheated or anything, but I have my own personal issues and hang ups, I suppose like any other male. I am not looking for perfection from my wife. Just honesty. If our sex life is not satisfactory, why not just say it? To this day, she will not admit that she does not enjoy sex with me anymore even though it is clear to me. When your wife asks you if your almost done during sex, no other clues are needed.

    • shrink4men
      April 8, 2012 at 2:02 pm

      If you don’t have children, Carl, I suggest you consider whether you want to remain in this relationship. “I was drunk” is not an excuse for infidelity.

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  1. March 28, 2012 at 10:34 pm

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