Home > Abusive relationships, Borderline Personality Disorder, divorce, Marriage, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Psychology, relationships > Sex and Control: How Men Get Screwed by Emotionally Abusive Women

Sex and Control: How Men Get Screwed by Emotionally Abusive Women


giant screwSex is a very important part of a healthy and loving relationship. If you’re involved with an emotionally abusive narcissistic and/or borderline woman, the sex has probably become bad for your self-esteem and general well-being, just like everything else in your relationship.

NPD/BPD women basically have three behaviors toward sex: hyper-sexuality, hot and cold, or frigidity. Sometimes, the same woman can alternate between all three behaviors.

[Note: Sex drives may vary greatly from person to person and aren’t necessarily an irresolvable issue in an otherwise loving and compatible relationship. This post focuses on the unhealthy attitudes and behaviors these women have toward sex.]

First, let’s explore the essential elements for love and a fulfilling sex life.

Vulnerability, trust, intimacy, empathy, and  respect — or the lack thereof.

There are 5 prerequisites for love and great sex:

  1. Vulnerability. This means taking a risk, exposing your true self, your needs and desires. It’s risky because you could be rejected or ridiculed. It’s impossible for an NPD/BPD woman to make herself vulnerable because she’s invested most of her life in crafting an elaborate and rigid false self to hide her highly damaged true self.
  2. Trust. You trust your partner to accept you and to not deliberately hurt you. This woman trusts no one. She believes everyone is out for themselves and trying to “get one over” on her. This is an example of projection. She’s out for herself and tries to constantly get one over on you.
  3. Intimacy. This is about sharing and getting close physically, psychologically and emotionally.
  4. Empathy. This requires being in tune with the other person and being able to experience how they feel and what they want and need.
  5. Respect. This woman treats her husband or boyfriend like an object; not an equal partner whose feelings and needs are just as important as her own. Bottom line: She doesn’t respect you.

An emotionally abusive NPD/BPD woman is incapable of empathy. She’s incapable of seeing any viewpoint other than her own and only cares about her needs and feelings. She’d rather stick bamboo splinters under her fingernails than feel vulnerable and she cannot, cannot tolerate emotional and psychological intimacy. She can tolerate some physical intimacy, as long as it doesn’t lead to the other forms of intimacy. Basically, in order to avoid emotional and psychological intimacy, she either engages in hyper-sexuality or avoids sex altogether. But why?

True intimacy means sharing your good qualities as well as your faults and insecurities with your partner, which this woman will never do. Not only does this woman not let down her guard, she ‘s constantly attacking you or pushing your buttons in order to keep her vulnerabilities from being exposed. Consequently, you feel unsafe and on your guard, even though a love partner is the one person with whom you should feel safe enough to let down your guard. This doesn’t bode well for a mutually satisfying sex life.

So why is she even in a relationship if she doesn’t trust, respect or love you?

1. You’re her normalcy prop. Being married or in a committed relationship gives her the appearance of normalcy to the outside world. You play an integral role in maintaining her false self. “See. Someone wants me. There’s nothing wrong with me. Normal people get married. Therefore, I’m normal because I’m married.

2. She can’t exist without attention. Good attention, bad attention; it doesn’t matter. For her purposes, you could be anybody. She likes the idea of having a boyfriend or husband in the abstract, but the reality of being in a relationship is filled with frustration and disappointment for her because you’re not “perfect” or “good enough” for her highly inflated false sense of self. She soon grows to resent you and then the covert and overt abuse and rage attacks begin. Conversely, you try to hold her accountable and point out her imperfections. She can’t have that.

As a result of not living up to her lofty and unrealistic expectations (by the way, no one is capable of doing so), she doesn’t really like you very much. She plays the role of martyr to the hilt, professing her love for you in one breath and cutting you down and shutting you out with the next. You can’t have a satisfying emotional and physical connection with  someone who doesn’t like you and sees you as a “disappointment.” This is another example of projection. In reality, she’s the disappointment and failure as a life partner.

It all comes down to control and bolstering her ego.

Sex isn’t about expressing love, lust, intimacy, passion, affection or mutual pleasure. Instead, many of these women use sex to lure you into the relationship. Once she feels confident that she’s hooked you, sex becomes one of the ways she controls you—either by sexing you up or by withholding it. There are two primary ways of doing this.

1. The insatiable sexual virtuoso. The sex starts off with a bang. The sheer intensity of it is mind blowing, but deceiving. The intensity is actually a symptom of the severity of her pathology. What seems like intense passion to you, is really her intense need to control and dominate you into submission. I repeat, it’s about controlling you, not pleasing you.

You’re also her sex prop. She treats you like a mechanical object/scratching post/human vibrator and/or a way to make herself feel desirable, sexy or “the best.” Roger Melton, M.A. explains: “I love you” means “I need you to love me.” “That was the best ever for me” means “Tell me it was the best ever for you. Show me that I have you.” Sex isn’t an act of true intimacy, but rather another way for her to feel admired and in control. Eventually, this will cause you to feel used and distant instead of loved and emotionally connected. This form of sexuality may be constant or blow hot and cold. It depends upon how often she needs this kind of validation and/or how great her need for control is.

2. The withholding welcher. Alternately, an emotionally abusive, NPD/BPD woman lures you into a relationship with the unspoken promise of passionate sex once you’ve “proven” yourself and she “feels” she can “trust you.” Alexander Lowen, M.D. explains this kind of seduction as “a false statement or promise to get another person to do what he or she would not otherwise do. The promise can be explicitly stated, or it can be implied. Psychopathic swindlers openly promise something they have no intention of giving. But most seductive ploys involve promises that are not clearly stated” (Narcissism: Denial of the True Self, p. 102).

This is a trap because the passionate sex never materializes. You have to keep proving yourself “worthy” of her and, as many of my readers know, nothing is ever enough for these women. You can never be nice enough, do enough or meet any of her other ill-defined, diffuse, shifting rules and requirements enough for her to “reward” you with sex. Sex is a chore for this woman, an obligation or a “favor” she begrudgingly bestows with growing infrequency and ultimately becomes a transaction.

A transactional relationship is one in which person A provides a service in exchange for person B providing a service. Prostitution is a kind of transactional relationship and so is sex with this kind of NPD/BPD woman. In other words, if you want to get laid, then you have to give her something she wants or behave how she wants you to behave. This is another way she controls you.

There’s always an agenda, even if it’s having sex so you won’t end the relationship. It’s still a transaction. “You owe me because I let you have sex with me. I did my ‘duty,’ so now you can’t leave.” Most men are so grateful for even the smallest scrap of affection that they ignore the perfunctory and disinterested way in which their wife or girlfriend treats sex. Like a man who’s been wandering through the desert views a thimble full of water; you’re grateful for what little you get.

No matter the scenario, you’re not her beloved, equal partner; you’re either a to-do list item, a human vibrator, and/or a way for her to feel like she’s still “got it.”

Shame and sex don’t mix.

This kind of woman may also increase her control by combining sex with shame. For example, she labels you as “perverse,”  “sick” or “abnormal” for wanting sex, when she’s the one who has a perverse, twisted sexuality and relationship beliefs—this is more projection. Typical statements include: “There’s something wrong with you. You’re a sex addict. You’re a pervert. All you want is sex.” Shaming you for the very natural desire of  physical intimacy in your committed relationship is incredibly abusive and can leave emotional scars.

The NPD/BPD woman will only have sex when she wants it, which is usually after you’ve been so beaten down that you no longer have any interest in touching her. Contrary to what she believes, criticism, rages, and the cold shoulder do not make for great aphrodisiacs. When you tell her that you’re not in the mood (go figure), she insults your manhood, accuses you of infidelity, of not loving her and so on and so forth.

She expects you to perform a thousand and one feats of devotion before she takes the lid off the cookie jar, yet expects you to perform on demand whether you want to or not. This is another example of her utter lack of empathy. Sex is about what she needs in that given moment and has nothing to do with you. You’re nothing more than object who exists to service her every whim, need and insecurity.

Screwed, but not in the good way.

In the end, a Narcissistic-Borderline woman tends to make a poor lover. Even if she’s mastered a range of techniques, sex is ultimately a mechanical act devoid of true intimacy. If you view sex as simply a mechanistic, impersonal stimulus/release interaction, this may be enough. If you view sex as a medium of expression in which you share love, lust, playfulness, raw animal passion, desire, tenderness and mutual fantasies, sex with this kind of woman will never be enough. Sex becomes just another empty and dissatisfying exchange with your partner.

For those of you who think you’ve lucked out because you’re with the sexual performer, think again. It may be more difficult to end your relationship because you’re also confusing sex with intimacy and can fall back on the lie, “at least the sex is good.” Is it really? Or is it making it more difficult for you to recognize the degree to which you’re being abused, to end the relationship and to find a woman who’s capable of true emotional and physical intimacy?

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries or send an email to shrink4men@gmail.com.

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  1. Monk
    June 8, 2019 at 2:37 pm

    Ding, ding, ding. My MPD CB tried to shift the sex blame to me when I said “let’s try this instead” to try to get the passion going. There is not one area of life a CB will not try to ruin. They thrive on misery. In fact, my BPD CB has NPD traits too. The switching frequency increase was a big red flag for me.

  2. Allen
    August 30, 2017 at 4:20 am

    This is my wife to a T. Literally blew my mind reading this.
    My wife has bragged to me about how great her past lovers were and how fast they could get her off.
    How much she always wanted sex with them, but never with me.
    She always tells me no and belittles me. I feel absolutely worthless and I can’t tell anyone that I know Bc it’s very embarrassing.

  3. ThatGuy
    April 5, 2017 at 5:47 pm

    Fascinating article. I was in a 20 year marriage, 25 year relationship that ended about a year and a half ago. When we first met (maybe for a month or two), the sex was very good. Then a crucial event happened. She had an emotional meltdown which she described as feeling “out of control.” We were in college together and she felt like her school work was suffering due to the “feelings she had for me.” A lid went on right then that never came off. She would tell me that she loved me and was attracted to me, but also said she couldn’t have sex unless she was free of stress. And so “relaxing” her became my full time job. I cooked every meal, cleaned the house, told her she was right when she got into an altercation with someone. Every 4-6 weeks or more, she would reward me with 20 minutes of routine, scripted sex. It’s heartbreaking to recall, but it convinced me I was “needed” by her since she clearly was so incapable of handling life on her own. It made me feel oddly stoic and strong to serve without ever having my needs met. For the first few years, I did ask for what I needed. I told her how important sex was for me to feel connected. I asked for her to share in domestic responsibility. But she was subtly effective in curbing that behavior. If I suggested sex, I would get a lecture about how I was stressing her out by putting so much pressure on her. If I asked her to help me clean the house, she say that she couldn’t right now because she was under so much stress and I was just adding to it. Eventually, I stopped asking for anything. She would bed me when she felt like it every month or two. Looking back on it, I can see how emotionally abusive the relationship was. And it goes on in a different way even now. I did some great work in therapy and with self-work – enough to recognize my own fear of abandonment and scarcity that made me so susceptible to her manipulative victim-hood. We have a teenage child together, so I have no choice but to interact with her. Well, now I am seeing someone seriously, a wonderful woman with whom I have found real intimacy and interdependence (not co-dependence.) Trying to be respectful, I told my ex that I would like to tell our daughter that I am seeing someone. Once she found out that she wasn’t told first (I discussed my new partner with some mutual friends), that it had been going on for a few months (wouldn’t it have to to be serious?), and that it was someone she once met, she was livid. She was clearly embarrassed about what people would say about her or think about her. Her anger come out as blame – you hurt me so much, you did horrible things to me, you stole our marriage, you stole my friends, we’re like a bad movie stereotype. This despite the fact that she admitted she is also dating but just hasn’t found anything serious yet. It’s no longer about sex. She can no longer “reward” me for managing her emotions and physical environment, so she uses the tool she has left – guilt. Everything is now about how I have done her wrong, how much she loves me and how I’ve abandoned her for no reason. It’s a tough one, but I attempt every time to remind myself that I am only half responsible for the demise of our marriage and that I am doing things that adhere to my code of conduct. I never cheated in body or mind, I have tried to be respectful during the divorce. I still fight my urge to protect her from upset, and realize that the urge comes mostly from fear of her causing me to feel guilty. In the angry talk, I took in what she said, I didn’t argue and I didn’t conciliate. I felt very guilty after it but was able to go over my actions and honestly find them free of malice. I’m not doing everything right, but I’m improving. Hang in there, gentlemen. We will all grow and evolve.

    • Kari L Gunhus
      July 22, 2019 at 5:23 pm

      Keep reading and watching Dr. T. IMO, the reason they flip out when you have someone new is not jealousy (they don’t want you back; they want you to be eternally pining over them while they flout how much they DON’T want you back). It’s because that new, not-crazy person is a threat to their (1) portrayal of you as evil personified and (2) portrayal of themselves as a poor, victimized, abused, abandoned, damsel in distress. When I started dating the guy I ‘m with now, his BPD/NPD ex went ballistic…even though she had dated a few guys in the meantime, and was dating someone who was LIVING with her at the time. It doesn’t have anything to do with anything, other than her risk of being EXPOSED as the fraud that she is.

  4. Patrick
    October 1, 2016 at 2:24 pm

    This article lifts me a bit. Divorce was final over 2 years ago. She found someone else and still strung me along for a long period of time convincing me that she loved me and the affair had ended. Her primary motive was financial but secondarily I see now that I was plan “B” in case plan “A” did not work out. I married her twice. Our relationship spanned twent years. My love was real and deep. I see now that I was controlled by sex and my need and desire for sex. The article has enlightened me that i now realize she really disliked me and used me. All good, right? No, I am left feeling stupid and weak having been controlled and used for so long by my desire for her. I allowed myself to be led around like a puppy wanting a treat. My desire for love (including desire for a sexual connection) has proven to be a huge detriment to me emotionally. I am struggling to overcome this so that I can move on to a healthy relationship. I am currently stalled and have been for awhile. I am no longer as angry with her but am more angry at myself.

    • ThatGuy
      April 5, 2017 at 5:54 pm

      Patrick, be gentle with yourself. Ask yourself at least 7 “why’s” to dig down to the core belief that is limiting you. Mine was a fear of abandonment and belief that I was unworthy of love. Your mileage may vary. Find the core and work on that.

  5. philus vilder
    September 18, 2016 at 6:31 am

    5 prerequisites for love and great sex ! I messed up by doing the first one ..25 years ago.
    Briefly, I met my wife in 1987 and sex was amazing and at least 4 times a week for 2 years till our child was born. Obviously sex was little afterwards for some months…18 months later I poured out my heart to her about my feelings and our sex life being only 1 or maybe 2 times a week. She swore blind “im sorry I’ve been unfair ,it will improve ,I promise”…
    25 years later no..and I mean no ! improvement.. A handful of times in the last 2 years we have had sex 3 times a week but the next 4 weeks it goes to 1 or more often than not ZERO.I have tried everything to make her happy….and even kept a diary for the last 5 years because I thought I was perhaps going mad. also there is no passionate kissing from her , perhaps 4 in the last year. Not in sex and not any other time… If you want more details let me know as I could fill books with it. I am seeing a psychologist for some other issues with confidence but this subject came up , I told her the complete truthfrom my side and the truth my wife tells me. I was told I am right to feel used and depressed etc but now what ??

  6. Dave the Doormat
    August 4, 2016 at 12:27 am

    Married going on 23 years this fall. Ever since we were married every argument ended with her leaving me and taking the kids and making me live in a box. Needless to say never left. Would start arguments with me then blame me for starting them. Would call me my father’s name to get my goat then berate my parents while holding her mom up on a pedstal.

    Kids came along a few years later then when they got old enough she started sharing our marital problems with them. Parenting skills? Early childhood education degree ran out after age 5. Then it became more important for the kids to be her friend and not get mad at her. Punishment? If it ever happened, it way my job and no matter how it was metered out, was NEVER done out of love. Sex…for procreation or whenever she wanted it. IF I asked I may get lucky if I was treating “her kids” right.

    Fast forward to last year. I started attending Celebrate Recovery and starting to understand and unwind. A few days before my daughter’s HS graduation we had a huge fight where I finally stood up to the I’m leaving you BS and called her bluff. She started to back down, but anger flared up again and she stormed out of the house. I was devastated with the choices I had made and attempted suicide with alcohol and pills. Obviously I survived the attempt and vowed to myself – never go down that road again no matter what. She comes in to visit me in the hospital and instead of hugging me I get the cold shoulder and asked how could you do this to my kids? I was dumbfounded and crushed. After 3 weeks we had sex. It was wonderful, unfortunately that would be the last sex I would have for almost 6 months.

    I sought counseling after my trip to the hospital. Immediately there was friction. I could only get Saturday appointments, it was expensive, why did I have to find someone so far away? Roadblock after roadblock when all I want to do is get better and not relapse. Now it’s Christmas and she is depressed as ever and blames me for all that is wrong in her world. We have another dust up over money for gifts. Now I am totally confused. I was working so hard to mend the relationship and all the effort is gone..poof!

    I was crushed again, but now turned to other women. I was not looking for an affair, I needed a woman to talk to and confirm I was still worth something. So I hit the personals and found 2 women that were interested in chatting. I drew a strict line as told them I wanted NO PHYSICAL intimacy, just honest talk from a woman’s perspective. Well I’m no good at lying or covering things up and of course was found out. To my surprise she was actually reasonable after I was stern with her and owned up to my part but made her realize how she was treating me and how much it hurt. She agreed that it was a 50/50 deal and we were equally at fault. We agreed not to share this with the kids as it was between us. SUCKER!

    Things improved a little and we were feeling good about our chances of staying together. Then my daughter comes home from college for the summer and BAM out of no where I find that she has told all 3 kids of my affair and gave me NO warning so I could approach them and ask for their forgiveness. Guess she got her revenge. Now all three really don’t want to have much to do with me. She sleeps on the couch and will move into my daughters room in a few weeks when she goes back to school. I told her that I feel like a victim of emotional abuse and she turn around and says “Yea right, if anyone been emotionally abused it’s me”. How can perceived “victim” really be convinced that they are the abuser?

    That 50/50 deal I mentioned earlier when she was in her right mind? You guess it..I never said that! I asked her to see my current counselor to help me. We have a big fight, she goes to see him and attempts to tell him all my secrets. Porn, infidelity, controlling, walking on eggshells, etc…Too bad she didn’t realize how serious I am about getting better and that he knew about all these things already. I was so hurt, I felt “Awesome, my counselor will finally get to hear the other side and maybe be able to help me make some sense of what the hell is going on!

    I guess we are destined to coexist as roommates until she finally moves out. I’m not leaving the house as she would claim abandonment to the 1st person that would listen. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I left a lot of details out in the interest of brevity. Hope someone can identify with my predicament and offer a few kind words.

  7. August 3, 2016 at 7:02 am

    I am rejected on a daily basis,several times a day,been that way for a couple of years,normal stuff,coming up behind her in the kitchen,sitting or trying to sit close on the coach,if I dont try and touch or kiss her we could go week’s with out it,sex is ten days or ,almost like clock work,except out of the blue a couple of days ago ,we connected a few times,kissing all thru the day ,holding each other,then as quick as it appeared,it went back to me being smothering or anoying,wich realy sucks cause I had accepted theres no hope,then boom,and now im hurting real bad like.we havent slept in the same bed in three years,and the longest ive jeld her is 4 minutes,and she was just waiting for it to end,says im controlling her,I miss her so much,I thought she was having a affair ,but reading this wow,to the t.im a pevert,im controlling,etc.we got a son ,otherwise I would have left,I find myself crying constantly,when im alone,if cuaght im riduculed,if I say I need to hold her,smell her,im made fun of,and rejected,every thing changed and has gotten worse since my son was born,the night we took him home,she verbaly attacked me,and threatened ,no said she was leaving,and labeled me all kinds of the worst shit.I dont or cant leave my wife,been together 7 year’s,past four have been steadily getting worse,and lonely is my new best friend,my woman is awsome ,she makes good money,keeps her house and son in tip top shape,xtremely controlling,every move I make,and sometimes as im making it,shes gotta a better way,and even in bed,she comes in has sex,then leaves,oh shes incredibly hot,lol.but when I want sex,well I havent been successfull engaging her in 1 and a half,….I accepted she doesn’t love me anymore a couple of months ago,pretty sure she was having a affair ,and I lost controll of my emotion,and becuse of it I lost my bestfriend,now im losing my wife,shes not leaving me,but asides a clean house and a few dollars,and a ocasionel booty call at 4 in the morning,wich leaves me in tears everytime after she leaves the room to sleep in our sons room,god im so fucking sad,and feel like a little bitch(hear that about twice a week),meet her ecpactations,get promised sex,or oral,always get ditched,cant talk about it,agh shit ,it’s a fight,tired of fighting,been calling her mam lately,im a combat vet two tours iraq,so mam to me means ,like some one I dont know,or you know ,the cashier,the coffe girl.the neighborlady u dont knows name,lol I think she likes it,before I give up ,did already,before I become a weekend dad,is counseling or drugs a option,and is she a cheat or just a bitch?

  8. May 11, 2016 at 5:50 pm

    I am recently out of a relationship where I was made out to be the villain…. not to say there were no ups and downs… I tried to set a foundation for a good life, but was met with constant criticism and the control thing. One red flag to watch out for is when someone, regardless if it is woman or a man, when they start accusing you of being controlling, a liar, or anything that you truly do not believe you are, it’s because they are revealing themselves to you. All the things I was being accused of were her weaknesses. In hindsight, I can see it all clearly now. They have a knack of drawing you in and if you are “normal”, you don’t know you are being duped and manipulated. My head is still spinning, and for a short time, I truly thought I was broken. My counselor assures me that I fall within the normal boundaries and should feel upset that I was used.

    • Texan
      July 9, 2016 at 8:38 pm

      Anon: your words ring true for me! My wife was quick to use the “you’re too controlling” speech on me just for questioning how we could both enjoy intimacy instead of just her getting what she wanted.

  9. indianeo
    February 29, 2016 at 10:16 pm

    How this could be so true? OMG. What I should do now.. I wasted years.

    You saved my life my friend. I awe you a drink if you live around Boston.

  10. Chris
    December 8, 2015 at 6:29 pm

    Well, you have described my partner to a T!

  11. November 30, 2015 at 3:01 pm

    https://youtu.be/Iiefu67mwVc Listen to this tune. Creep from Radiohead. It’s the story of you with the borderline to a T!

  12. November 30, 2015 at 2:11 pm

    I must post my experiences. It’s been fairly recent since I was discarded. I’m still in pain, but getting stronger each day. It’s that child inside that wants to be “liked” and I miss my source of being the hero. It takes two, but I know that she is mental. My intention was to make my mind up once and for all by reading this article and the posts. I discovered that she is definitely a borderline narc. I’m armed with knowledge, but at times still hurting and the denial can be thick. I have to verbally, out loud remind myself that she left me and the reasons were not all my own.

    First, I was disliked, certain family members were also disliked. She wanted a bigger diamond ring, a classy car,always needed more clothes for her “wardrobe” had four or five credit cards, all her beauty crap took over the bathroom, I was not equal with her spiritually, vocationally, or intellectually. Although, I tried to get myself up to her level. I did eventually suffer a nervous breakdown, in which I was treated with the cold silent treatment. No compassion at all. I was also not respected anymore.

    I have her journals in my possession, which I read. She stated how she was looking for a “knight in shining armor” after her first divorce over 25 years ago. I also have our love letters and cards from her that showed warnings-which I did’n heed and the intense idealization of me that was to the point of unreal. I know I not that great. Once she even wrote about all the other men in her life and how I was so much better than them all. Textbook stuff here.

    The hard part is I have all the proof. The idealization, the tear down and the what the hell just happened discard. The hoovering-very empty-no responsibility, just “I love you.” Not good enough for me at this point. It’s still hard to imagine that 23 years married ended like this! Like I’m a piece of crap.

    SEX: Not holding back on my experiences. She is a “dead fish” in bed. She would tell me how great of a lover I was and that she could find no-one else as good. She was aware of her deficits as a lover and mother. She had imaginary injuries to her vagina. She complained of a small cut that would tear during intercourse. She had me look for it and I swear I could not find it. She also complained of tightness that I would need to massage with oil for a long time before intercourse. She had four kids and I’m not that well hung to hurt her. These “symptoms” could be from childhood sexual abuse, a mental thing of some kind..

    She cut me off from oral sex, which I enjoyed. She threatened to bite my penis off if I ever stuck it by her mouth. I felt dejected and unaccepted after that threat. We stopped having intercourse due to it being too painful. Her vagina also stunk, and that was a huge turnoff for me. She wouldn’t help me out on that issue either. We then mostly had mechanical hand job sex. She worked it like a robot and there were time limits, always too busy. No long enjoyable sex. She hated being on top and preferred to just lay on her back like a log. It did get to the point where I didn’t even want to have sex, but it my “duty” being a Christian. That’s another story which I have resentment over now. I found this person in a Christian church and she used God to berate me. Fricking evil stuff. Back to sex. I decided that I would only have sex when she wanted it since I was put down for wanting it more. She would tell me that I’m needing so much sex due to my past porn addiction and twist all these things back to me as though it was my fault. She is a superb master of manipulation and she admitted that to me in from witnesses. Still this hurts even knowing all the information

    The one thing that was rock solid was knowing all the information. It saved me from being “hoovered” back and I know who she is now. I also know that I do not want any part in a woman such as this ever again. I have tales to tell and could go on and on about finances. I am totally broke, I own nothing, I’m 50 years old. But, I’m a young and healthy 50. I love my life, been sober over 27 years. She went back to drinking before the discard. She left me. I stayed. I’m thankful that she left because I would still be in this nightmare trying to fix it like a blind bat. The day after she left, I was broken like a clay pot. It was that brokenness that caused me to start my education of the borderline narc. It has been an incredible 2 months of gaining knowledge about her and myself. I know her entire family history, and I know how she is and from what I’m finding, she is very ill.

    Thank you Dr. T! It’s comforting to find a woman speaking up for men and calling out the sickos in your shared gender.

    Love you.

  13. Neilos
    November 27, 2015 at 11:11 pm

    Thank you,thank you,thank you so much these articles. I’m a pretty intellectually clued up guy and alot of what you say here is what I suspected was happening during my relationship with my ex wife,although some the information is helping to make the pieces fall into place. Since she left she has become a prostitute and hooked up with a notorious criminal from the town where I live. My guess is that he is easier to manipulate and control than I was. I am a man who doesn’t just want to be loved,I want to love and she took full advantage of this weakness of mine. She is also a habitual lier which makes things very challenging. We are currently fighting the kids in court and she had the (female) social worker completely rating out of her hand. She knows that I love our children very much and she is trying every in the book to hurt me. After she left (for the third time) I decided to make some big changes and as you mention in your article, it left her a bit baffled. Im sure she was hoping I would screw up and she could use my mistakes in court but I haven’t put a foot wrong. The old me have reacted to her crap but I have wised up now and act well at all times. Guys,If you are in a relationship with one of these awful woman,get out now and start taking care of yourself for a change.

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