Will My Emotionally Abusive Girlfriend or Wife Be Different With the New Guy?
Will my emotionally abusive girlfriend or wife be sweet, normal and wonderful with the next guy? The answer to this question is no, No and NO. Many men torture themselves with this highly unlikely possibility when they contemplate ending the relationship, after they’ve ended the relationship or when their on-again-off-again exes are treating them like a cat toying with a half-dead mouse.
What’s the Origin of this Irrational Fear?
This fear and faulty belief can be traced directly back to the source of all irrational distortions, insecurities and lies—your ex. This kind of woman explicitly or implicitly conveys that she’s always been a sweet, kind and loving person until she met you and that you bring out the worst in her. The implication is that there’s something wrong with you, which is why she treats you the way she does. Malarkey.
This is yet another example of how these women refuse to take responsibility for their behaviors and blame the victim instead. If it were possible for you to interview her past and future boyfriends/spouses you would hear eerily similar tales of the same relationship atrocities you experienced with her.
Unlike reasonably healthy people who change and grow across a lifetime; these women remain disappointingly the same. We grow and learn by acknowledging our mistakes and through loving and being loved. These women never acknowledge their myriad mistakes and don’t know the first thing about love. She won’t be different in a new relationship. A woman like this replays the same misery over and over again. The only things she learns from her relationships are how to control, manipulate and hurt others more effectively.
Lies that Feed the Fear
The following lies are control devices that undermine your confidence, fuel your insecurities and cement your emotional dependency upon your NPD and/or BPD girlfriend or wife. Some of these women deliver these messages loud and clear; while others imply or insinuate them so subtly that you don’t even realize what’s happening until it’s too late.
No one else would want you. This is nonsense. There are 6.7 billion people on this planet. Roughly half of them are female. Surely there’s at least one other woman who will find you attractive. Your wife/girlfriend/ex wants you to believe this because you’re less likely to fly the coop and she retains control.
No one else will ever love you like I love you. Let’s hope not. If by “love” she means, “no one else will ever treat you like crap the way I treat you like crap” then it’s a translation problem from crazy-speak to English rather than a lie.
I don’t know what’s wrong with you. You bring out the worst in me. Why do you make me act like this?! You don’t bring out the worst in her. Anyone who tries to get close to her and seeks intimacy and kindness from her brings out the worst in her. Therefore, all of her “love” relationships will bring out the worst in her.
How Can She Move onto a New Guy So Quickly After our Break-Up?
Just because your ex instantly lands in a new relationship doesn’t mean she’s healthy and moving on with her life. This kind of woman unravels when she’s not in a relationship and receiving attention. She doesn’t have a core identity. The only time she comes close to feeling like a whole person is when she’s in a relationship because it provides her with the illusion of normalcy.
Being wanted validates her existence. If she’s not receiving attention from someone—it doesn’t matter if it’s negative or positive—then she might actually have to look at herself and her behavior and she can’t handle that. She needs to have someone tell her she’s wonderful and someone to blame for the train wreck that is her life.
This is also a clear example of how these women don’t relate to others as individual people with whom you have a connection, but as objects with which to abuse and amuse themselves. These women usually discard you and move onto the next shiny object when:
- You stop playing by her rules and she notices that you’re becoming immune to her tricks and manipulations. She senses she’s about to be confronted with the truth of her behavior and pulls the rip cord.
- She finds someone with more money, more status and more time to devote to her never-ending needs.
- She senses you’re about to end the relationship, so she abandons you before you abandon her.
- She craves more attention and orchestrates a competition or rivalry for her “affections.”
Why Does She Flaunt Her New Relationship(s) in My Face?
She does this for several reasons, including:
- To hurt you
- To let you know “what you’re missing out on”
- To see if you still care
- To see if she can still jerk your chain and push your buttons
- To make you feel bad and jealous about all of the alleged men who are “madly in love” with her
- To rub your nose in the illusion that she’s moving on in her life and is doing “great” and is happy without you
- To see if you’re still available (i.e., not dating). A BPD and/or NPD woman likes to keep her exes in a cupboard for a “rainy day,” so she can seek attention when she’s feeling alone and abandoned by the most recent guy she’s scared off
- To test the waters to see if she can lure you back into a relationship with her.
If your ex directly tells you or broadcasts her dating escapades in such a way that you’re guaranteed to learn of them, she has not “moved on” nor is she happy. First, if you’ve really moved on after a relationship, you’re not preoccupied with your ex to the point that you parade your new relationships in front of him or her. In fact, you maintain a healthy distance and just go about your life. If you’ve moved on, you don’t invest time and energy trying to “get at” your ex. This behavior is indicative of not having moved on, being unhappy and trying to maintain some kind of connection, albeit a sick and hurtful one.
Second, when has your wife/girlfriend/ex ever been honest to goodness happy?
The closest she gets to experiencing happiness is when she’s controlling and hurting you, but this isn’t true happiness. It’s about making you so miserbale that she seems happy by comparison. If she’d truly moved on and was having a grand old time dating other men, trust me, you wouldn’t be hearing from her.
Some of these women are capable of “flipping a switch” and totally cutting an ex out of their lives. Finding a new boyfriend/husband/emotional punching bag is the equivalent of the “geographic cure” described in Alcoholics Anonymous—it’s their attempt to get a fresh start with a new partner. However, like the AA saying states, “Wherever you go, there you are.” In others words, they’ll continue to take the same problems, behaviors and craziness into each new relationship because they are the primary source of their relationship problems, not their most recent ex.
If your girlfriend or wife is this variety of NPD and/or BPD, consider yourself fortunate. She won’t be back for round 2 or round 1001. It may seem more cruel, but it’s for the best. It hurts because you’re not able to get closure, but you can’t get closure from these women whether they’re the “cut off” variety or the boomerang variety (i.e., she keeps coming back after every break-up).
Why Do I Care that She’s Dating Already?
The fear of her miraculously changing her personality (disorder) and being great with the next guy is completely irrational, which many men know intellectually. It’s like when children hate going to bed because they’re afraid they’ll miss something — like their parents bring out the best toys after they’re asleep.
You probably still care about her being with other men because you’re not quite over her yet. Trust me, she’s not going to be great and normal with the new guy. If he doesn’t snap to his senses soon, he’s in for the same nightmare ride she took you on. These women lie and distort everything. Remember how she would twist the truth and reality when she was with you? Then why would you believe this new man makes her happier than she’s ever been?
Here’s the deal:
1. When a woman like your ex tells you other men are pursuing her, it’s oftentimes confabulation, exaggeration or an out and out lie. She does this to make herself feel desirable and appear like an irresistible siren to others.
I had an acquaintance in college who used to go on and on about guys who were “so in love with [her].” By chance, I met one of these men at a lecture. We were introduced and I said, “I feel like I know you already, Frank. Dorothy’s told me a lot about you.” He looked confused and I then explained who Dorothy was. Turns out, she sat near him in an accounting class and he let her borrow a pen once. He wasn’t “madly in love with her,” he barely remembered her.
2. “My ex(es) won’t leave me alone/my co-worker won’t stop flirting with me/dozens of men on Facebook want to date me” is a control tactic she uses to destabilize you, make you feel insecure and get you to psychologically invest in fighting to keep her from being “snatched” away by would-be suitors. She’s trying to control you with the threat of loss of the relationship.
The message is: “If you don’t do as I say, put up with my crap and treat me like a Queen, Joe is waiting in the wings to take me away, so don’t you forget it.” If you’re not afraid to lose her, this (usually) empty ploy falls flat.
3. Oftentimes there really is another man or men waiting in the wings. Never underestimate the number of people who are willing to take a number and wait in line for their share of abuse. And, let’s face it, many of these women are incredibly attractive and can be very charming when they’re trying to suck you in. However, you know firsthand the monster that lies beneath the surface and how quickly her charms fade.
I recommend that you retire from active duty and let the new enlistee have at her. You’ll probably find him knocking around this site in 6 months to a year because he, too, will eventually be right where you are now. And so the cycle begins again and again and again.
by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Private Consultation and Coaching
I provide confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. My practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit Services and Products for professional inquiries.
Donations
If you find the information I provide free of charge helpful and valuable here on Shrink4Men, please consider making a donation via PayPal to help me maintain the site.
Related content:
- Divorce and Break-Ups: There Is No Closure with a Narcissistic or Borderline Woman
- 10 Things You Need to Do After Breaking Up with an Emotionally Abusive Woman
- 10 Lies Men Tell Themselves In Order to Stay in Emotionally Abusive Relationships with their Wives or Girlfriends
- What Makes Your Control Freak Wife or Girlfriend Tick
- How Emotionally Abusive Women Control You: The Fear of Loss and the Need for Approval
- 5 Stages of Letting Go of a Relationship with an Emotionally Abusive Woman
Photo credit:
Jealousy by Edvard Munch.
Leave a Reply
Stumble It!
Shrink4Men
- Sex with a Borderline: Confusing Intensity and Pathology for Intimacy and Passion, Part 1 [Video]
- Video: Love Bombing, Brainwashing, Trauma Bonds, Narcissists and Borderlines, Part 1
- How to Love a Woman Who’s Been to Hell and Back [Video]
- Are You Suffering from Emotional Labor? Or Unrealistic Relationship Expectations? [Video]
- Adult Toddlers, Part 1: Traits of Emotionally Immature Narcissists and Borderlines [Video]
- Causes of Unhealthy Relationship Patterns for Codependents with Narcissists and Borderlines, Part 1 [Video]
- Blame and Rage: What Narcissists and Borderlines Call Problem-Solving
- The Final Child Support Payment to a Borderline or Narcissistic Ex: Brace Yourself, Francis! [Video]
- Narcissist Fight Club Rule #5: The More You Explain Yourself the More Vulnerable You Are [Video]
- Healthy Boundaries, Part 2: The Joy of No! [Video]
- Dating Again, Part 4: Letting Go of the Codependent – Narcissist – Borderline Fairy Tale [Video]
- Boundaries Repel Narcissists and Borderlines, Part 1: The Golden Rule
- Dating Again, Part 3: Learning to Appreciate the Mundane
- Crazy Jerk the Musical!
- Dating Again: What Do You Get Out of Relationships with Narcissists and Borderlines? Part Two [Video]
- Trauma Bonds: Emotional Intensity vs. Emotional Intimacy [Video]
- Narcissists Are Cheaters [Video]
- Emotional Reasoning vs. Critical Thinking [Video]
- Mating Call of the Codependent: “I Can Save You!”
- Dating Again: What Does Healthy Look Like? (Part One) [Video]
Shrink4Men 
All of the information here is so helpful, and just hearing everyone’s stories help me so much. My wife (soon to be ex!) displayed every single characteristic described by so many on here, never diagnosed (refused any sort of therapy), but wow the stories are all so startlingly similar. I had known her 8 years before we started actually dating, in college, she was the one that got away all those years ago, I fell for her then, and she vanished. And came back through a facebook stalking 8 years later. I didn’t know at the time as it trickled out over the love bombing stage, but she actually left a man she was engaged to (2x), dumped like 30 times over a 5 year stretch for me, called him the night we first met up and said she was ending it and not moving to another state with him.
Our relationship seemed magical, of course interrupted by her intense temper that as I think now, made me afraid, had me walking on eggshells to not upset her. She had phantom pains in her shoulders that required constant rubbing to make them feel better, but no real explanation for what it was. Doing everything for her. I gave her everything she ever wanted. And she constantly told me how she “knew I’d cheat on her in a heartbeat.” All the while, she kept in contact with the man she had left for me. No matter how much I asked her to stop, she refused. Found out after I left her, she would routinely keep him suckered in by telling him she still loved her, was confused (apparently even called him on our wedding day), and would project her BS on me about cheating/talking to other women.
We were married, she wanted a baby like no there (never happened) and 6 months in, she flipped. When I was checking out another woman, she began to rage for days about “how could I do this to her?” we were getting divorced, I was the biggest piece of scum ever. She then proceeded to use Tinder to start meeting and dating other men. Like hardcore. She spent hours every day, right in front of me, berating me, telling me it was my fault that she started to see other men. The lying began, where she was, what she was doing. She eventually got herself a boyfriend, whom she would run to. For a stretch of 3 weeks, she would spend the night at his house, go on weekend overnight trips, see him and talk every day…..all the while telling me that “when I’m with someone else, it makes me realize how lucky I am to have you.” I finally came out of the haze, and gave her an ultimatum: stop all this crap with other men now, or I leave. She told me that I couldn’t tell her what to do, went and saw this guy the next night. And I left.
It gets better…..the night I left, she called her ex fiance, who was living in another state in the apartment she had picked out 4 years before. He drove 20 hrs straight to come stay with her and comfort her from her big bad mean husband who left her, a total white knight doormat. Within 6-8 weeks of me leaving her, he began to fly her down to see him every week, all while she quit her job bc “I emotionally destroyed her by leaving, and how could I just leave my wife?” Found a 30 page document in our house from him to her, describing how much he still loved her despite how she treated him like absolute trash, broke up with him so many times, and left him and went to marry another man (me). And of course, I discovered she would call him when upset at me to say what an asshole I was, how I was such a monster. And this guy was going to save her, bc he knew how to treat her, he wouldn’t leave her, he would always be there for her. She moved in with him about 2 months ago, and is being such a pain in the ass concerning the divorce I filed right before Christmas. Still lying. Still denying that she was cheating on me, even though she did it right in front of my face. Still crazy making. I see through her mask, and its horrifying. I never ever in my wildest dreams could imagine that another human is capable of…I watched her manipulate like 5-10 men at a time through texts, changing her personality to match whatever they wanted to see. Scary stuff.
And I am sure this poor chump (def way less attractive then me, I know his family has $$, but I have a 100x better career than he could ever hope) who thinks he has his prize is probably being cheated on now by her, I’m sure she is manipulating and controlling and having her rage fits, she keeps trying to contact me, and I’m sure anyone else when she is alone, not working, during the day.
I am so ready for this all to be over, completely go no contact, and have this monster out of my life forever, so I can get on with living the happy, healthy life I deserve.
This is scary and almost the exact situation im in and never wish upon anyone in one million years. Loved a girl for 5 years sweet cute type. The front she put on was so believable. She distorsted my reaility and those around me so bad i couldnt even retailate bc no matter what, i know she would win. Dumped me like she never knew me at all. 2 weeks after the relationship ended she was hooking up with another dude. Nearly one month later posting pics with a new guy. I tryed getting her back after the first month of nc and boy did i get my reaility twisted to hell. The games she played were terrible. The manipulation was unreal and i still loved her so much. Lucky ive manned the dam fuck up. While at first i was like shes different with this new guy… no shes fuckin not its her front and she will eat his soul just like mine. If your in my situation let me tell you how to win. Play defense and thats it. Dont fall for her ego trip and feed that dam demon. Let her keep self destructing herself. Your capable of love and she isent be thankful. Im two months nc in a few days and i will never ever fall for her games again. Stay strong man up it blows. Avoid these types at all cost you wont win and if you win them back theyll fuck u up even more. None of that i love her for who she is bullshit get it out of your head its an illusion. Fight on brothers!
You don’t know how much this article is helping me at the moment. My ex is doing/did every single thing you mentioned to the T. She got a new BF, the one I KNEW she was going after. I was always the one making things up according to her – being paranoid etc. Now she is blaming me for having him and that it is my fault! Can’t believe I was so blind and stupid.
Excellent article. I am just in a relationship with a BPD woman after nearly one year. Just because she is currently in prison again (third time within last 2 months) and my face is accumulating scars I will carry for ever. The rented house has even more scars. My money is gone. I have lost count of how many men there have been. Yet I still want her back, I think. I am well known publically for having gone to war and having been tortured for years. Now she risks the media discovering this mess. If so her stories will be outrageous. I’d be presented as the most horrible person as she does now locally. She not fooling the police however which is my their giving it to her. They want her gone. They mean well to help me. Before it blows up. I need strength to resist. I need a defense against this monster that I love helplessly
Thanks so much for this Amazing and enlightening article!! I have been married twice and recognize pretty much all of the Points in this article. Especially the theme of ‘Will she be different with other guys’. With my first wife I was often wrong even when I knew that I was right: An orange is the color orange but a car with the same color is called red, when I came home an hour late because the train broke down she demanded an explanation but when I explained that the train broke down then that was just an excuse AND NOT an explanation. Years later she broke up with a guy she had been together with for 3 years and she told me it was because he Always had to be right! I had to bite my lip so as not to laugh out loud. My second wife would Always say that all the people I said were my friends she would say that I was wrong and that they were not my friends and that she was the only person that loved me.
I guess why I was drawn to these women was because they were just like my parents, especially my mother who said that no woman could ever love me because I never loved her enough!
Now 19 months and being dumped then reeled back in more times than I can count by Carole. . . literally. Within the last week she went from visiting me for the weekend when we had many laughs, great times sharing common interests, love intimacy and sex to texting me she no longer has feelings for me. Deja Vu. Her history includes secretely going on a date hen she said she was having drinks with her girlfriends, responding to a Match.com guy while on a weekend retreat with me, and often jumping on Match the day she would dump me for no apparent reason. Of course, she never had money and I always contributed more than I can afford. I even purchased new tires for her car with the expectation she’d pay me back when she could – that was five months ago and so far she’s reimbursed me an average $10 a week. In the past month she’s talked about how things are different since I dated another woman this past summer – I dated a stranger ony after I’d been dumped on our one-year anniversary, told “you can’t make me love you” and disappeared for three weeks. I was an emotional wreck. Once I was healed enough to go on a date, Carole re-appeared and once again the cycle continued with a couple weeks/months of pure bliss. Over the months she accepted a promise ring. Then things started to change as usual: She’d cancel out on trips she had initially was excited about and stuck me with flight and hotel reservations. She discouraged me from driving the 70 miles to see her mid-week. She said things were different because I had dated someone else during the period she’d dumped me and encouraged me to find another. She accused me of kicking her out of the house, which happened after she remarked “I have dozens of men lined-up who want to date me”. She insisted I remove a couple female friends from my facebook. Still, within a week, she was always back apologizing and stating her desire for us to move towards a permanent relationship. I consider myself a nice, supportive, generous guy. I never dumped her. I’d express my anger in writing to her, but it was only in response to her insensitive treatment and dumping. So why am I feeling so forlorn? Why can’t I just move on which is what my siblings and friends tell me to do? The good times were fantastic, but I have never felt such low self-esteem and obsession as I do when she turns me away.
Hi Steve… Sorry you are going through this, but let me assure there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s not an oncoming train. I was very much in a similar situation, almost three years ago when I originally came across this article. Although my exGf preferred secretly using Harmony, her very similar hot and cold behavior (including borrowing money) hid many secrets and insecurities. After multiple breakups and reconciliations, I realized that I’d only be able to find peace and happiness outside of that relationship. I did not want to end up like this fellow; http://shrink4men.com/2013/10/18/in-his-own-words-abr-saved-my-kids-and-saved-me/ as I was headed on a similar path.
What helped me a great deal were articles I read on here as well as the Out of The Fog forums that helped put her behaviour in perspective. Someone who loves you, does not treat you that way. I finally left her for good, and had to cut all contact because she always seemed to seduce me back in. Through the grape vine I heard how she went off dating like crazy, claiming every new short live relationship to be “the one”… but “somehow” they’d all fail. The thing is, we are not the problem… and they have no honest desire to change on their end… so they relive whirlwind after whirlwind.
I was sad for quite some time, disappointed in my lost love… because when I met her, her smoke and mirrors got me really believing she was my soul mate. My problem is I fell in love with my image of her, who I pictured her as… and not for the actual person she was. I mourned that loss for quite some time… it seemed illogical to most people around me given the way she treated me, but there was an odd attachment created by all her manipulation.
A year after being freed from those shackles, I met a wonderful woman whom I would have never met had I stayed with my eX. My girlfriend is loving, respectful, considerate and honest… and I’m loving every minute of it.
Been there and done that!! My second wife would come over, often after drinking, and have sex with me and at other times she would tell me about her boyfriends that she met online and that at least one of them was a better lover than me.
Stay strong!! Women like this aren’t Worth wasting time worrying or thinking about!!
Hey y’all .. I cannot say for sure that my ex is a borderline however I must say the behaviors and actions displayed here certainly do help explain a lot . we have been split for 4 months and she moved on very quickly it was likely going on when we were still living together but I do know it started during a time I moved out and thought we were gonna work out..I used to feel that she would come back at some point but now coming up on the 4 month mark of them being together and moving in together already makes me think if I do it won’t be for a long time and to be honest based on what I’ve been reading it maybe for the best I can say I have been painted as black as can be ..I loved her more than anything and I see now that I didn’t deserve the constant fidelity questions and a lot of other behaviors and I would love to concentrat on that but can’t seem to..my current dilemma is as follows ..we adopted a dog together who was kinda a pain in the ass but we loved her..after we split she said she was going to let the dog stay with some friends who had more space for her.. I guess my concern is I want to make sure the dog is OK and given all the lies and everything I don’t know if she is telling the truth.. Would it be OK to break nc to ask if the dog isn’t OK to be able to drive back to town and bring her to my new home? I’m afraid lie will just lie and that the Dog could be fine or in a potentially aweful situation and I don’t know I check different humane society sites to see if by chance they gave up on her and have yet to have found it. Please any advice would help
My second wife slept around all the time Before and afte we were married. She was hanging out bars and taking guys home all of the time she told me. She was also addicted to finding men on the internet and go home to them or having them come to her apatment and then having sex with them. Lie mentioned by Dr Tara in an earlier comment for somene else that she had problems with emotional commitment. So take my advice and take a long time to get to know the woman Before making a commitment. If I would have taken time to get to know my second wife I wouldn’t have married her!!
It’s funny – you mention in this email that if given the opportunity to interview our ex’s past boyfriends that we’d find some eerie similarities. Well, I had just such an opportunity. I had been given my ex’s baby daddy’s number one time because I was going to drop off my stepdaughter (his daughter) over to him. I had only ever been told horror stories about him and how he’d made her life absolute misery when they were breaking up and over the custody battle for their daughter (whom I raised for 4 years). Well, after we split up, and I was neck-deep in blame, thinking that I was the cause for the breakup and beating myself up over it – I decided to give him a call one day. Asked him simply, “hey man, it’s Jon. Would you be interested in grabbing a beer with me sometime.” “Sure, I’d be down” he says.
So we meet up at this bar downtown around 7pm. We ended up closing down the place. Oh. My. God. The similarities of our two experiences with the same woman were almost identical. Same arguments. Same distancing techniques on her part. It was almost frightening to realize how little I actually knew of this woman whom I had spent 3.5 years of my life with. The life that she’d led before me – I had no idea. I had no idea just how far down the rabbit hole it went.
Needless to say, it was an enlightening experience, and one that helped me to unload the blame that I was shouldering about the demise of the relationship. It had happened to him. It had happened to the guy before him. It happened to me. And if history is any indicator of the future, it will happen to the guy whom she hooked up with (and is still with) a mere 4 weeks after we broke up our long term relationship.
Don’t feel bad guys. It wasn’t us. It doesn’t matter how good you were to her. It doesn’t matter how much you sacrificed for her. It doesn’t matter how many times you told her you loved her and tried to comfort her through all of her meltdowns and constant unrelenting anxiety states. It doesn’t even matter if you parented and helped to raise her child for some of the most important years of it’s development. It doesn’t matter because it would never have been enough. No one will be enough. Ever. Consider yourself lucky to be out. And value the opportunity when you find a woman who actually appreciates all of the wonderful ways that you express love to them. Borderlines don’t have this capacity. They may SEEM like they do, especially for the first 6-12 months. But they can’t keep the mask up forever. Eventually, it will fall, and you will see who they TRULY are. And really, now that you’ve seen that, is that the kind of person you’d want to spend the rest of your life with?
My ex’s baby daddy believes that she may be a full fledged sociopath. I’m kind of on the fence on that one. But I do believe that she is a cruel person. A person capable of emotional cruelty that before, I thought was only reserved for the people on her “shitlist”. The problem is, if you’re close to her, you’ll get your turn on that shit-list. And right now, I’m at the top of that list. So, I just steer clear – as wide a berth from her as possible.
But to sum up – yeah, if you ever have the chance to talk to one of your BPD’s ex’s – jump on it. Chances are, he’ll be happy to talk to you about his own experiences with her. And the similarities will both shock and comfort you at the same time.
It’s not you. It was never you. It was always her.
Will my emotionally abusive EX be sweet, normal and wonderful with the next person?
—I believe No, no, and no
My ex exhibited almost all of 10 signs of an emotional bully. I’m not sure he was this way thru learning to live and act this way while married to his ex wife of 17 years who may have also been an emotional bully. The verdicts not out on that one totally.
After he broke up with me he started seeing someone within the first month or two. He would do the Jekyll and Hyde thing with me after we broke up….one day he’s nice and I’m painted white….the next day or even next hour he’s a jerk and I’m painted black. He insisted I was to blame for his misery and two seconds later he’s saying I’m the most wonderful woman. I tried to be cordial and obviously I still cared for him but anytime I was remotely nice he’d chew my head off and accuse me of wanting him back. This behavior of his went on for months. I stopped being cordial and just existed around him(we work in the same building). This bothered him that I was no longer paying him attention and one day he approached me to say he was going on vacation with his daughters teacher. I ignored him and immediately he told me that she couldn’t make it tho. I’m not sure if he’s dating her. I was annoyed with him trying to get a reaction from me. I told him I couldn’t handle these games and he said he was dating someone. I didnt ask questions. I told him I wish him happiness….and he got enraged and accused me of being in denial and wanting him back.
Following the discovery of him dating I was upset because the reason he gave me for breaking up was that he needed time to get his life together as he was finalizing his divorce and couldn’t be in a relationship. I just kept to myself as he continued his Jekyll and Hyde routine with me. When I asked him to stop blaming me for ruining his life by walking in it and told him to take ownership for himself, he’d get enraged and would turn the conversation around and put me down or accuse me of crazy things…. and then of course he’d say I wanted him back. One day he called me and wanted to speak so I let him. But I just couldn’t take it anymore and I told him he was selfish, didn’t know how to treat people with respect, and that he needed to take a look in the mirror because he was living in his own fantasy that he’s flawless and faultless. He of course got mad and said he was an hour late to meet his new woman and she was texting and was angry at him and that it’s all my fault. I told him to have fun on his date. He hung up but called me back and wanted to make peace(i wanted to too)but really he wanted to argue more and defend himself. I cut him off after 5 minutes and told him I didn’t wanna be blamed for him being more late than he already was. Then he started texting me right after. I ignored him.
The next week he tells me that his woman knows about me and is worried because we are so close and have history and we work together and talk. I said OK. I felt he wanted me to get upset and say something about her but I didn’t. Weeks go by and he’s still Jekyll and Hyde. He tells me he regrets dating this woman. I tell him it was his choice and ended it there. It was like he wanted me to give him advice or wanted me to say I wanted him back.
Two months go by and Im about to leave for a work trip for two weeks. He calls me to talk. He’s wanted to be friends since we broke up and when I answered I began to feel like I couldn’t lie to myself that friends was a good idea. So I told him I needed space because I still felt upset of how he ended our relationship and how he treated me and was still treating me. I told him that it bothered me he hadn’t even shown remorse for 6 months and him dating so soon wasn’t pleasant for me either. He got angry and said I ruined his life and I wanted him back again. I hung up on him. He comes to meet me before my flight and was all apologetic and said he regrets dating and he feels bad because he should be focusing on his kids.
Anyway, following this trip he was “good”. He was kind and coherent and seemed healthy emotional wise. He was “good ” for two months straight….and consistent too. But it all went back to square one after he suggested the idea of maybe attending a luncheon together and then blew me off. I asked him what the deal was and instantly I was the enemy again. He said he was taking the new woman that he supposedly regrets dating. I said ok and understood. He snapped at me and threw his food and said i wanted him back and that he was trying to do what’s right for him and how I don’t care about his career. He was trying to change the subject again and point the finger towards me. I bypassed all the hodgepodge of subjects he was trying to confuse me with and I told him it was rude of him to snap and throw his food. I said it hurt my feelings that he was chewing me out for pointing out he had offended me. He then said I was trying to change the tone of the conversation to make him feel sorry for me. Instantly I became the offender and he was the victim. Everything became my fault. He said I was trying to control him and get closer to him. He said he wants to do what he wants to do and not have people control him. He said I was taking advantage of his kindness and him being soft hearted. Seriously??? All these things he’s accusing ME of is actually what HE’S doing to me. Projection much???
He said hes tired of hurting people he cares about. I told him I wasn’t giving dating advice to him but told him if he knows he’s doing things that hurt people…. why does he keep doing it?? He said he can’t please everyone and wishes people would stop trying to control him. Huh???
He tells me his relationship is very rocky. He said if she keeps asking him for affection then she can just leave. He said he told her that if she can’t deal with him being selfish right now then she needs to go. He said he sometimes feels he loves her but she’s just secondary. First of all why does he feel he needs to tell me his relationship problems? And why is he still with her if he makes like he’s not happy? Maybe unhappy equals normal to him in his disoriented mind?
I was shocked but not because it sounds like he’s still the same selfish, angry, and miserable man with his new woman. However, he never withheld affection from me. He was very affectionate with me actually. I didn’t know what to make of his comments but all I could think of was ….”I’m so glad I’m not the one to take the emotional craziness and abuse from him 24/7 anymore.”.
So I have been trying to enforce boundaries. I don’t know if this behavior is a personality disorder….nervous breakdown from his divorce…..mid life crisis….all of the above??? But yes. The new person gets the same crapola you got or maybe worse. In my case I think when my ex is annoyed with the new woman….he acts nice to me because he needs a source of attention. When I don’t give him attention or don’t go along with his script….he probably treats the new woman nice. When we both aren’t going along with his script…..he hates the world and himself and blames the closet person or finds fault in them to relieve the focus off him.
I want off this roller coaster ride. I don’t want to ride anymore. My eyes are open. I don’t like what I see. I used to wonder if he was nicer or more loving with her. I used to wonder because if he was….then I used to think that i must have not been good enough. But I know this thinking is wrong of me because I AM good enough to know I don’t deserve this crap. Now that he’s revealed how his relationship is with her and to hear his angry and disregarding tone about his relationship….it solidified to me that YES HE TREATS THE NEW PERSON THE SAME WAY.
Oh and as an used update:
After his recent chair shoving and snapping and blaming and ice treatment, I avoided him for days. I usually feel bad and reach out after a fight but this time I just didn’t feel anything inside me. I’m sure he was waiting on me tho. A week later he approached me and was Mr. Nice Guy again. He never APOLOGIZED for his behavior or attacks on me. He just said that I made it hard for him to be my friend. Oh my!!! Blaming til the death….can’t take responsibility for his actions and behavior. And then he goes and brings me chicken soup to work the next day because he found out I had a cold!! Wth?!?! He acts like he did nothing wrong or that nothing ever happened….