The No Contact Rule: Committing to It and Making It Work


The Power of No

Whether you’re a man or a woman who’s been on the receiving end of an abusive relationship, here’s why the No Contact Rule is the best policy after breaking up.

The sooner begun, the sooner it’s done. The sooner you make a clean break and stick with it, the sooner the healing process can begin. It’s natural to sentimentalize an ex after a break up, however, you’re playing with fire when you wax nostalgic for an abusive ex.

She may have been nice from time to time and occasionally very sweet, sexy, etc., but these fleeting moments don’t make up for the pain and damage she caused you. Each time you initiate contact or respond to her overtures, you have to start the healing process all over again.

Re-initiating contact only prolongs your pain. It’s the difference between ripping a band-aid off quickly and all at once or peeling off the adhesive very slowly, one arm hair at a time. Ouch.

Do not apply salt to an open wound. Engaging in contact with your ex, even a little bit, is like rubbing salt into an open wound. Some men maintain no contact for a year or more, run into their ex and Bam! They’re caught up in all the old painful feelings again. This is why it’s just as important to really explore why you were in that relationship while maintaining No Contact so that you’re not susceptible to your ex or others like her in the future.

If you give her an inch, she’ll make a grab for your kidneys. You may think you’re being nice by accepting her calls and responding to texts and emails, but you’re not. You’re giving her permission to keep yanking your chain. If you give an abusive ex an inch, she’ll take a mile.

This woman interprets your willingness to maintain contact as interest in rekindling the relationship or that she still has you on a string — and if you respond to her, she does indeed still have you on a tether. She’ll continue to be possessive and intrusive. All she needs is the smallest bit of attention — negative or positive — to keep her going.  If you want her to move on and find another target, you must starve the beast. That means no contact and no attention.

How to do it:

1. No calls, no texts, no emails, no smoke signals, no carrier pigeons. Make a list of every nasty hurtful thing she said and did to you and keep a copy near every communication device you own.

2. No “accidental” meetings (if you can help it). Change your routine. Go to the gym at a different time or on different days. Find an alternate sports pub. Go to a different grocery store. Yes, it’s unfair that you have to change your lifestyle for the moment, but time and distance is how you’ll heal. Alternatively, even if you have to have your best friend lock you in your apartment/house, do not go to places you know she’s likely to be. Even if you think you’re doing this to show you how happy you are without her, this will backfire on you. Don’t do it.

3. Avoid places that remind you of her. If it makes you turn into a sentimental mess to go to the restaurant the two of you went to every Friday night; don’t go.

4. Don’t ask, don’t tell. Ask your friends, family and associates not to tell you news of your ex or act as her intermediary. For example, when a woman like your ex can’t reach you because you’ve gone No Contact, she’ll often enlist others to contact you for her.

Alternatively, some people think they’re being helpful by telling you about your ex’s latest crazy antics or newest boyfriend. Nip this is the bud and explain that you prefer not to hear about your ex. Tell them that you know they mean well, but for the time being, you don’t want to know what she’s doing, who she’s dating or what her Facebook status is, etc.

5. Don’t keep a foot in the door. This applies to your foot as well as hers. Whether it’s leaving a few things behind at your place or negotiating visitation with a pet, you must cut your losses. When you break up, get all of her stuff out of your home asap. Pack it up yourself and drop it off at her new place when you know she won’t be home or have it delivered.

If you’re the one who moved out, do your best to get all of your belongings at once. Don’t leave anything behind that you can’t live without. Do not allow her or yourself an excuse to resume contact. If you adopted a pet while you were together, I know it’s painful, but just let her have the dog, cat, ferret, etc., and be grateful you only shared a quadruped and not a child.

6. Don’t take the bait. Many of these women send cruel, demeaning and often obscene emails, texts and voicemails. Your initial impulse may be to defend yourself or be “right.” Don’t fall for this. If you do, you’re taking her bait to keep you engaged. The only way you can “win” with a woman like this is not to play her sick games and get on with your life without her.

7. The eternal sunshine of a spotless mind. Pack away photos, gifts, notes, etc. that remind you of her and “the good times” — all 2 or 3 of them.

8. Delete her from your life. Delete her name and number from your phones. Delete her email addresses. Delete her from MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn and every other website on which you’re currently connected. Block her incoming numbers, texts and emails.

Do not answer calls from unknown or private callers. An abusive, crazy ex is the reason Caller ID was invented. Exception: If she is physically threatening you, blackmailing you or threatening to lie about you, save these communications and contact an attorney. You may need them for a restraining order and/or to press cyberstalking charges.

9. Avoid alcohol and other inhibition reducing substances. Drinking and dialing is generally always a big mistake. You don’t want to let this woman back into your life because you had one too many gin and tonics. Plus, if you’re feeling down or depressed about the break-up/divorce, alcohol is a central nervous system depressant and will only make you feel worse.

10. Reconnect with yourself, your family, your friends and your life. Get in touch with the people you weren’t allowed to see because your ex threw a fit if you did. Start doing the things you used to enjoy. Pursue your interests again. Make a commitment to exercise/working out if that’s one of the things that fell by the wayside while you were with your abusive ex. The goal is to make yourself healthy and strong in body, spirit and mind.

One of my readers refers to No Contact as “living in the bunker.” Here’s a list he shared with me on how to be a successful “bunker dweller.” Everything on this list may not be feasible for everyone, but I think it’s a good example of the level of personal commitment No Contact requires:

  • Ability to give up personal comforts and not care at all.
  • Refusal to be influenced in any way by threats, further intimidation, or bad consequences.
  • Ability to change residences quickly and frequently. I have moved three times, soon to be four.
  • Decisive severance of any residual communication links–mutual friends, Facebook, etc.
  • Absolute refusal to feel shame or be put on the defensive–especially in your own mind.
  • Insistence that any discussion of the facts begin with the words “abuse,” “destruction,” and “control”
  • Refusal to negotiate until there is absolute capitulation (*he’s in the process of divorcing).
  • Satisfaction that she picked the wrong guy to F*** with
  • Accept collateral damage philosophically as the cost of freedom and further evidence of the rightness of your cause
  • Extreme patience–don’t be worn down by any reversal, surprise, or consequence. Stay in the bunker as long as it takes

Next week, I’ll post the third piece in the No Contact series about developing emotional distance for those of you who can’t go No Contact because you share a child(ren), work in the same office or some other reason.

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consultation Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

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Photo credit:

Caller ID made at signgenerator.org

  1. Sarah
    October 26, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    we cant do no contact with Mrs Passive/Aggressive bully, because of the kids but I know how much she gets out of text replies and discussions with her ex and I hate it, she is still using the poor soul and sucking in me and his stepkids as well…its all attention and she loves it…particularly at the moment because she is in a state of upheaval having been forced to move finally and we think the stresss of this has caused her to let the mask slip with her new boyfriend and he has dumped her….This has happened before and its like a cycle she alternates severe cold shoulder passive aggressive then goes into a sort of histrionic fit of lawyers letters and accusations of bullying and intimidation against him…I know she is both desperate for him to go over and be the white Knight so she can criticise and belittle him or even better get him to question one of her behaviours and get a full blown row out of it…..I know to her its like a 3 course meal at a good restaurant and its maddening that we cant cut the contact fully……

  2. Zeke
    September 17, 2010 at 3:09 am

    I broke the rule; started with 1 too many drinks; and BAM she back in my life; After divorce was filed I left city and with these couple phone calls, she says she wants me back and she sees that I have changed… she said she is even coming to the city I live in now…dohh!!! When I left I told my friends the truth about the relationship and they have kept me in line and reminded me of all the things she has done over the years that make her a Narcissist.

  3. Too Much Drama
    September 1, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    Hi Dr. T,

    Have appreciated the website – you helped me tremendously in dealing with an emotionally abusive relationship with as HPD woman.

    After a very tumultuous 2-year dating relationship (with many breakups and makeups), I am trying to maintain no contact with this person. In a ideal world, I would like to never see her again, so I can heal and move on. However, she is involved in the same community that I am in – a church singles group. It’s been frustrating and angering to see her, especially since she jumped full bore into a relationship with someone from the group 5 days after we broke up. I am part of the leadership team for this group and am thus somewhat committed to it (and many of my close friends are in the group). Should I leave this group to get away from her (and miss out on other dating opportunities and friendships in the group)or should I stay and deal with having to see her every week?

    I don’t want to “run away” from my problems, but I also want to protect myself. What do you think?

  4. Suave
    July 14, 2010 at 4:02 pm

    Thank you for this info, this will save my life.

  5. Jim
    April 2, 2010 at 9:30 pm

    After 25 years, my kids are grown and out on their own, I finally took the plunge and filed for divorce. To make the break I moved to a small isolated town out in the desert and I have had no contact with her. Of course I do have to contact her lawyer, and as crazy as it may seem, I don’t have a lawyer. In WA it is a no fault state so she is unlikely to get everything. Sure I have half a mil. at stake but I just don’t care. I set up my new apartment from Goodwill and a U-Haul trailer with my personal things and I am perfectly happy. I receive sufficient money from my social security and a small pension to care of my daily needs. As for not having a lawyer, I’m smart enough to do most of what they do in a no fault state. The extra I might lose would just go to both lawyers, so it is a loss either way.
    If my ss and pension aren’t enough in the long run I will just leave the country; an easy thing for me as I have worked in third world countries for over 25 years and could live quite well in many of them. I was in Costa Rica 5 months ago and that seems like a pretty good option.

    • chester
      April 4, 2010 at 3:27 pm

      Jim

      be careful about WA state laws….I believe child support can last for 8 years if kids are attending post secondary education. If they are not…pull the trigger quick.

  6. LEE
    February 25, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Damn another good one!!!

  7. Mauricio Salazar
    January 18, 2010 at 4:29 pm

    “If you give her an inch, she’ll take a mile”. most accurate.

  8. mark
    December 30, 2009 at 11:49 am

    Hi, first to clarify your site has be a godsend. I now realise that i have been with someone who exibits borderline symptoms for the last 5 months. 1 week before christmas she dumped me out of thin air. To cut a long story short i did the emotional cut off blocked her on facebook changed my number, she has had her friends mailing me to get me to talk to her, she opened a new facebook account mailed me saying she needed to talk, then this morning she was outside my house blasting her horn to get my attention. I opened the window and told her to leave me alone, she said she is pregnant got in her car an drove off, but she`s told so many lies i do not belive her, also she`s been seen with another man.
    There is always a chance she could be pregnant but contact with her makes me feel ill. How should i approach this. Any help woul be very much appreciated.

  9. John
    December 21, 2009 at 9:18 pm

    This is my little testimony to #3:

    Avoid places that remind you of her. If it makes you turn into a sentimental mess to go to the restaurant the two of you went to every Friday night; don’t go.

    I went through a nasty divorce about five years ago. I continued to live in the same city has her so that I could finish school. The only problem is that it made me a wreck. I always in fear of running into her and having her rip into me (because that’s just how she is). Every time I saw a car that looked like hers, I had to check and make sure it wasn’t her. I finished school and moved 300 miles away. It was the best decision I ever made.

    • shrink4men
      December 21, 2009 at 10:31 pm

      Hi John,

      Sometimes the “geographic cure” actually works. Congratulations on getting out of your abusive relationship and getting out of town.

      Happy Holidays,
      Dr Tara

  10. December 13, 2009 at 1:19 am

    This is by far the best website/ information Iv’e found! Thankyou you for all the support!I’m not even going to go there as far as lamenting about my crazy, controlling ex. Follow this honest, deep advice and you will become a grounded, self assured man who is ready to love again, and not make the same mistakes again!

  11. Janice
    December 8, 2009 at 5:21 pm

    Adam, I do want to make one last comment to you and it’s that “no one can treat you like a doormat without YOUR permission!”. Quit fantasying about what you THINK she is and realize WHO she truly is!!! Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks………

    Jon and JP — right on!!!!

  12. Janice
    December 8, 2009 at 5:17 pm

    Hello all: Well, it seems we’ve had a true breakthrough!!! Maybe what actually caused it could help some of you. My son actually signed up on one of those “matching” sites where you answer a LOT of questions indepth about who you are, what kind of person you are, and what kind of person you would like to date or match up with. While this may seem trivial in and of itself, it was actually VERY enlightening for him and caused him finally to wake out of the remaining part of his stupor over this girl!!! For once in his life, he thought of what HE wanted and needed in a relationship instead of always being the giver. He actually realized this is a two-way street — not one person taking everything and needing everything!!! I know it probably sounds so simple, but my son has always been the giver in a relationship — always providing for someone else with no true regard for himself. Perhaps some of you may be like that as well. After submitting the data, he began to realize that if this girl had answered the same questions, there would be no way in hades that they would be a match at all!!! One biggie for instance was the fact that he believes in God and she is either an agnostic or an athiest (I actually wonder she is the daughter of satan!). There were plenty of other issues that polarized them. In the windup, he sent her an email telling her all the items that SHE would have to agree to or change in order for HIM to even consider them reconciling. Of course, when he told this, I cringed at thinking he would actually entertain getting back together with her! HOWEVER, as he told me, he KNEW all it would do would be to make her show her true colors, and boy did it ever!!! Without going into anymore detail, what this did for him was to provide true closure. He now feels VERY free of her and her hold on him — realizing that she is totally opposite from the person he would like to be with! She has no moral compass, no belief in God, and is truly a very vicious and hateful person. She no longer has a hold on him, and I am so very grateful! Perhaps there are those of you who should write down exactly what YOU need in a relationship and compare them with who the person who has a hold on you truly is. Life is too short to live in a chaotic, volatile, emotionally draining relationship. Trust me on this guys, — life can be so much better. I am married to the most kindest, loving person (over 41 years) and it only gets better as time goes by. For each of you, I wish you that kind of relationship — nurturing, kind, and loving. Don’t settle for less!!! You each owe it to yourselves. And, by the way, — he FINALLY BLOCKED her from contacting him!!!! Yeaaaa!!!!

  13. Adam
    December 8, 2009 at 11:47 am

    Your website has been great help. I am 44, divorced with 3 children after a 13 year marriage. I recently had the bad luck of meeting and falling for one of the predators you so well describe. Without being a psychologist I believe she suffers some degree of histrionic or narcissistic personality disorder. Almost from day one the alarm signals started to sound but I ignored them. She is an extremely attractive and seductive woman with an amazing body. Vertigo, the prospect of great sex and the arrogance I could handle her made me ignore what was obvious (my friends also warned me). The relationship was a roller coaster: incredible highs followed by painful lows. Sex was great because she always pushed the envelope (semi in public, etc) but was also quite mechanical (never sensed a real connection). She had no capacity for introspection. She went from hot to cold to hot again. Then after a month things stabilized a bit. She told me she had never met somebody like me, that I was amazing, etc, etc. “When do I meet your children, when do we get married?” followed soon after. I was a bit taken aback. I told her let’s see if we can last until the end of the year but I was slowly falling into the trap. During the time we were together she would mention other guys or her sexual past (which was quite shocking, including trios of all kinds). I was never sure of what was going on. When she started raising issues with my children I said enough and called it quits even though I though I was in love with her. I managed to stay away from her for a week but then she started sending me SMS. She lured me back only to reject me. She did this 2 or 3 times. I started to go crazy. I started to justify her actions and find fault in my conduct. I thought I was in love with her and that I would never find anybody else. All other women looked dull and unattractive to me. She got me hooked. Never before in my life I had experienced something like it. I fell into a deep despair. In a moment of sanity, aware of the danger I changed my mobile number and erased all her contact details. Now a month has gone by since the last time we talked but on many days I find myself with the urge to contact her, to see how she is doing, to see if she has changed her mind. Your column was like a bucket of cold water. It is so crucial to understand that this type of woman is incapable of feeling anything and that we are just easy prey. At some point I was foolish enough to think I could rescue her. I know I am not out of the woods yet and that she could still entrap me but I am making a huge effort. All your comments have been very helpful. Thank you

  14. Janice
    December 7, 2009 at 7:58 pm

    Thanks to both of you (Kev and Simon) for your comments!!! I’m going to copy and paste them to my son and send them to him. Kev, what you said about him taking some “joy and solace in finally being able to have the upper hand at times” was right on with what he has shared with me. He said to me just this morning that “I say when, I say how, and I say how much” — but he also said that HE called HER after some text messages she had sent because he felt he wanted her to tell her basically that it was all crap!
    Simon: I definitely feel you’re right on as well — I hadn’t thought about putting it as him being in denial, but when you said that, I felt you were right!! On a “good” note, he does seem more optimistic about moving on and has read some good books that have also helped him. BUT…..like I said (and like I tell him) — keep playing with the rattlesnake and you WILL get bitten!!! Part of the problem is that we live about two hours from him and his brother and family also live about that far from him. I’m hoping he’ll end up moving closer to family, because he definitely needs our support. We have, however, alternated and made trips down to see him during this time, which has helped. I know that he’ll be okay AS LONG AS HE DOESN’T GET TRAPPED AGAIN BY HER! But I swear, the thing that worries me the most is that he will relent and end up in the sack with her again in a moment of weakness!! After all, that’s something that she views as her most valued weapon!! So far, so good, however. She has even stated more than once that “if only I was pregnant, you wouldn’t leave me, would you!”, so I’m very well aware of what she is after!!! Of course, she was also the one who told him on their honeymoon, no less, — that she would abort their child if she became pregnant!!!! Talk about an evil wicked person in my view!!! My son feels the same and even told her that! He keeps trying to make sense out of something that you CAN’T make sense of — how can you have “normal” when both parties are NOT “normal”?? You can’t. Anyhow — I keep listening and inputting my advice — my youngest son does the same with him. I do thank you both for responding — this site is also good therapy for me as a mom. You both have been so kind in sharing. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! And………God bless you and may you, too, both realize that there really ARE very loving and kind women out there. Don’t settle for any less!!!! (Now I’m off to cutting and pasting for my son to read and take note!!!) :-)

    • Jon
      December 8, 2009 at 10:18 am

      Janice,

      In my opinion, these woman always “split”. This means they are two personalities, so I would predict in time she will resort to a somewhat cruel, hurtful/emotionally abusive tone with your son IF your son doesn’t give her what she wants.

      If she does this, then once again your son will be hurt, irritated, or both. Right now he likes the upper hand, but if she flips out on him and resorts to cruelty–even passive aggressive cruelty, then he’s lost the upper hand again. Make sure you tell him: THESE WOMEN GIVE BUT THEY ALSO TAKE AWAY. And my experience has been that they take away far more than they give.

      They are subject to change, like the weather, and if she doesn’t get what she wants…somehow…someway…she’ll “split”. Furthermore, even if she does get what she wants, she’ll still “split”.

      Anyway, tell him to quit while he’s ahead. Just some thoughts…

      • jp
        December 8, 2009 at 2:32 pm

        Jon,

        You make an excellent point.

        The only time you can have feel as though you have any power in a relationship with these kind of women is right at the point where you’re about to leave (either literally or by going silent and withdrawing).

        But it won’t last. If you follow through with leaving, you lose power because you have no connection with her. If you stop pulling away and re-commmit, you lose power because the threat of leaving is gone. If you try and maintain the feeling of power by prolonging the about-to-leave state, you lose power because she can’t tolerate having less of it for long, and she will split.

        JP

  15. Janice
    December 7, 2009 at 2:01 pm

    Anyone have any advice regarding the fact that my son still allows her to contact him via text and occasionally a phone call?? HE says he’s in control and it is actually helping him come to closure. He doesn’t give her any hope — just keeps reminding her “why” it will never work — they’re two very different people — with different values. He also told her he’s very happy and content these days and she STILL keeps coming! She makes offers of sex, of course, — begs him to come over to her place — that she NEEDS him and loves him!!! So far, he hasn’t fallen for her offers and maintains that he doesn’t always respond to her text messages until he just hears enough and feels like he needs to respond to “let her know why it will never work”(as though they’ve never been through all that time and time again — both in writing AND in person during the marriage!!!). Right now she’s begging him to go to HER counselor because THEIR problem was communication and HE needs help! If there’s one thing my son is excellent in, — it is communication!!!! And, they both went to a therapist during their marriage (until she no longer wanted to go!) and that counselor diagnosed her as bpd!!! She only hears what she wants to hear and nothing is HER fault!!! Anyhow — if any of you have advice for me to share with him, I’d appreciate it. He told me this morning that he is in control and is actually getting better each week. He sees her for who she is and has no intentions of going back ever. But yes, it does worry me when he keeps petting the rattlesnake!!!!

    • Kev.
      December 7, 2009 at 3:35 pm

      Hi Janice,

      In a weird way, it might be giving him a sense of closure, and a source of feeling in control that he hasn’t felt in a long time. When I finally saw the light, and my own relationship along these lines was in its death throes, I confess I took some joy and solace in finally being able to have the upper hand at times, realizing that she really was full of crap, and a strange pleasure in listening to her spin further and further out of control.

      That said, he really should go no contact sooner, rather than later. It’s okay to spend a very brief amount of time in that space, savoring what feels like enlightenment and victory, but he needs to get out of that space sooner, rather than later, otherwise, it will just continue and continue and continue.

      George Herbert once said “Living well is the best revenge.” He needs to start moving into that space. And that will include no contact with her. If his contact continues, it will only prevent him from doing exactly that.

      He’ll get there. It may take some nudging, and some help, but he’ll get there. And he’ll find that he’s even happier than he is now.

    • Simon
      December 7, 2009 at 6:17 pm

      Hi again Janice…Thanks for your kind words and it is my pleasure to be able to offer some guidance, and if it helps then great. What Kev says is correct. In some ways your son is enjoying the fact that he is calling the shots, which lets face it he simply hasnt been able to whilst being with this bpd. But Kev is also right when he says he needs to stop it, is your son subconciously wanting this contact? does it make him feel she is still part of his life? I worry because I see myself in your son and my mother talking to me in you. Lets face it, if your son really wanted this girl out of his life, he wouldnt respond at all! he would change is number, he would take you up on your advice to look at this site. I fear he is in denial. I can hear myself now saying to my mum “I never text her, she always texts me”…But what he is doing is responding!!! thats all his bpd ex needs to keep going at him. If he truelly wants to get away from her (and I fear he doesnt) then he must cut ALL CONTACT. He may think he is in control but she is clearly pushing his buttons because as you said eventually he feels he has to text back. You must try and get him to see what is going on here…he still wants her in his life whether it be as a girlfriend, a bpd or a crawling back bpd. Its all hidden code for ‘im not ready to move on’. I dont want to worry you, but I fear this contact is not under control and that your son (through his natural want to help her) will go back to her. No contact is not about a game or a win or loose situation its about the individual moving on. The contact from her keeps her in his already very upset and confused head. I am sorry for going on and on but I see myself in your son..its denail Janice..I swear it. Why is he not changing his number? why is he not looking at this site, because deep down he doesnt actually want to. But as his mum you cant take the sledge hammer approach, just keep supporting him, but he needs to take the first step and stay away from her full stop. Good luck Janice

  16. Janice
    December 6, 2009 at 9:02 pm

    Thanks for your email, Simon — I’ll have to admit, it brought tears to my eyes. Glad to hear that your mom has helped you as well! And “anonymous” — thank you for your coments as well. As I’ve said before, — this site has been a God-send — and I’m sure most of you feel the same way. This, indeed, is no ordinary break-up. Today when i talked to my son, the bpd witch has been able to push his buttons again. Her latest arrow has been texting him to tell him that HER therapist has decided that HE has problems inthat he’s been through more than one marriage. I’m afraid his former marriage was to the same type of woman, only much younger and not quite as skilled as this present one! She told him that the therapist told her that THEIR problem was communication — wow!!! Was THAT ever enlightening after over a year of HIM trying to communicate with her on a normal level while she ranted, spit, kicked, and slapped over the slightest thing. I might add that THEIR therapist that saw BOTH of them diagnosed her as a definite bpd! In fact, after only one visit, the therapist actually told her that in all her 30 years of counseling, she NEVER had a client talk to her the way this girl had!!! Wowie!! Anyhow — the text messages leave him angry for her to try and blame HIM for all the problems and wanting to “help” him!!! And Simon, I think you’re definitely right on target when you say that because he still has feelings (which actually are of hurt and confusion and NOT love), she can still push his buttons. My son is a thinker — and he’s been attempting to come to closure with all this. I’m going to tell him once again to log onto this site — I think it would be very therapeutic for him to meet you all (smile). I have no doubt that just as you’ve helped each other, you could also help him (and vice versa). Thank you all again for your posts. You are all a blessing — and hang in there because there really ARE good women out there who are loving and kind. Just take your time and give yourselves time to heal and time to get to know the next ones who may come into your life.

  17. Bunker Dweller
    December 6, 2009 at 4:58 pm

    Greetings to all from the state-of-the- art command center, here two miles underground. I’m sitting here behind satellite photos and security alarms and wanted you all to know that there has been a strategy change from the other side. Consider this a preview of coming attractions with your BPD wife if you chose to make “no contact” your winning strategy.

    As I’ve mentioned before, my early tactics of “shock and awe” left my wife confused and paralyzed. I moved out, went to the bank, cancelled the credit cards, etc in a matter of hours, and then I settled in for a long waiting game. For awhile she kept trying new things to get me to come back. She left notes on my car, called my parents and friends–she even got our pastor involved. But soon enough, as all her darts and arrows bounced off the bunker door, she has developed a new strategy.

    She has started ignoring me back. =) I know, it’s almost too much to hope for, but I promise you, if you ignore your BPD wife long enough, she will go away :). My wife and I had to settle our apartment with the landlord, so unfortunately, I had to come out into the open to settle things. But after a brief email saying that she had moved out, there has been no contact from Mordor even in response to my business-like emails about sub-lessors and termination fees etc. It is as if she wants nothing to do with me either. =)

    So, all of you waiting it out. Eventually “no contact” makes a BPD woman so angry and frustrated that she will go away on her own. =) She thinks she’s rejecting me back or something, but truly, her contempt and anger fit nicely within my overall plan. Peace at last and victory too. How sweet it is.

Comment pages
  1. August 31, 2010 at 6:25 pm
  2. August 31, 2010 at 1:55 am
  3. April 9, 2010 at 1:20 am

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