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Tax Day Relief


Congratulations to all my US readers who submitted their taxes today. This is always a stressful time of year that borders on painful. My heart goes out to gentlemen who have to pay spousal and child support in addition to the government. I can commiserate. Between my student loans and income tax, over half my money goes to the government, so I understand what it feels like to be an indentured servant.

Therefore, this beer’s on me! Alcoholic or non-alcoholic—whichever you prefer. We all earned it. I hope to have part III of the brainwashing series posted tomorrow or Monday at the latest. What can I say? I was busy doing my taxes.

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Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. I shouldn't respond but.......
    April 28, 2010 at 4:34 am

    By the way, I am the Mother of two children and I am divorced from their Father. As parents we instinctively knew it was in our children’s best interest to be given the freedom to love both parents without influence from either parent. It is their God given RIGHT! Borderlines just don’t get this – WHY????????

    • June 20, 2010 at 11:03 am

      Based on my experience with my own spouse, these personality types view situations from a win-lose perspective based on their view of reality and whatever rules they’ve created/imagined for the “game”.

      In “normal” reality, caring parents who’ve separated want their children to maintain a loving relationship with the other parent.

      In “disordered” reality, the “disordered” parent seems to feel they’ve “lost” somehow if the children have any love or respect for the other parent, so actively work to demonize the other parent. They seem to view a child loving the other parent as indicating that the child loves them less…which the “disordered” parent views as “losing” or as the other parent taking something that is rightfully their’s.

      As to why the “disordered” parent sees things this way…well, they’re crazy.

      I think it’s important to get a grasp on HOW “disordereds” think, to have a chance of coping with or escaping them in a manner that results in the least harm to oneself and protecting any children that might be involved, however trying to understand how WHY they think this way, or trying to explain to them why their thinking process are rather bizarre, is an exercise in futility…and I speak from experience here.

  2. I shouldn't respond but.......
    April 28, 2010 at 4:22 am

    4real hasn’t got a clue what CHILDREN that have borderline women for Mothers go through and the lengths that their Fathers go to in order to protect them from the VERY PERSON WHO GAVE BIRTH TO THEM! My fiance has spent over $100,000.00 ensuring that his daughter is not abandoned with a VERY disturbed Mother. He has said from the beginning that he will settle for nothing less than restoring his parental rights to the same level before he dropped the big divorce bomb. She went nuts and said that he would pay until the day he died for abandoning her. Damn – she meant it and the child was used as a weapon. The child has made it clear that she wants a relationship with both parents and has begged her Father not to give up. The child’s words – “Why can’t Mom just let me love you both?” This borderline mother has put this child in the IMPOSSIBLE position of choosing sides. This is not love and protection of a child – it is emotional and psychological abuse. Borderlines are not Mothers – they are abusers. Please don’t pass judgment on these men. You have NO idea how much they love their children. These men want to end relationships with abusive partners – NOT END THEIR RELATIONSHIPS WITH THEIR KIDS. Two completely different things that borderlines can’t seem to separate.

  3. Rick
    April 24, 2010 at 1:51 am

    Hangin’ out for Part III of brainwashing series – these have been invaluable to me!

  4. bunker dweller
    April 24, 2010 at 1:38 am

    i love Dr. Tee. That is all.

  5. Gooberzzz
    April 20, 2010 at 5:51 am

    Nice article. I hope sometime soon, you take on other relationship scenarios, such as family members with BPD (typically mothers and sisters) and how they affect other members, or perhaps BPD in the workplace, especially with the troubling economy, these types are in full throttle and more than willing to throw others under the bus.

  6. Closure, at last
    April 19, 2010 at 1:50 am

    Thank you, Dr. Tara.
    Whatever may be 4real’s own made-up or real story or experience, we have dealt with enough emotional bullies in life than to spend more time and energy quelling the nit-picking of an immature yet quite apathetic and cunning cyber-bully. If she/he had been raised by a BP mother as she/he claims (who might have obviously brainwashed against the dad) – then this should be a place for her/him to heal, not hurt others.
    And nothing peeves me more, as well, than those ‘lols’ and other typos and the Lindsay Lohan-type expressions and short hand.
    Thank you for helping us have ‘no contact’ on this board with this character who more than anything else – I think – needs to read some good books on a few classics (and on grammar) and on philosophy – which I doubt her outlook will allow her to seek that certain level of kindness, empathy and taking a higher road, instead of seeking attention by sprinkling salts and sarcasm. This is a bully-in-training who wants to convert feelings into facts and actually enjoys her devaluing comments. Period. I hope she finds some inner peace if that option is still open before going around hurting people in real life too.

  7. Ron
    April 19, 2010 at 1:41 am

    I was advised by my lawyer that I would have to spend tens of thousands of dollars to fight for custody and that I had about a 1% chance as the XW was a SAHM, unidagnosed, and had participated in her affairs while away from the kids.
    I am finding, now that my kids arr getting older , that they are calling me and asking to spend more time. Ihave expalined to them that when they re 12 or 13, the court will listen totheir desires re custody.
    It has taken me 4 years to dig out fromn the financial mess my XW’s spending and the divorce brought about. Finally, my credit is good again and I can buy a house . Four years working two , and sometinmes three jobs. The kids will have a good place to stay if they come with me.

  8. shrink4men
    April 19, 2010 at 12:47 am

    Hi 4real and “panda,”

    You do know that WordPress provides an IP address with every comment. This means that even if you create a phony email address, it has the same IP if you’re sending it from the same location. Nice try though. Please find another site to troll about on.

    • shrink4men
      April 19, 2010 at 1:07 am

      Hi Panda/4real,

      Again, nice try. To everyone else on this thread, 4real tried posting another comment under the name “panda,” stating she didn’t know why everyone was so upset with 4real’s comments. A very troll thing to do.

      To panda/4real: Perhaps you don’t know what an IP address is. It’s like a computer’s fingerprint, which means if “panda” is a different person, that you’re both sitting at the same computer leaving these ridiculous comments. Okay, now I’m done.

  9. shrink4men
    April 19, 2010 at 12:25 am

    Hey everyone,

    4real has just been added to the permanent SPAM folder. Her comments were becoming increasingly moronic, inflammatory and backpedal-y. Plus, she was engaging in one of my biggest pet peeves—acting like a total jerk and adding “lol” and “:)” to try to make it seem like she isn’t being a total jerk.

    Hope everyone had a great weekend,
    Dr T

  10. 4real
    April 19, 2010 at 12:08 am

    No JP, try reading it again. it so surprises me that people leave comments without reading… I only said anything about stats because others did, I know the stats and if they want them they can find them just as easy. I NEVER said anything about what goes on in family court, some guys get screwed, this is not the issue (even though everyone thinks it is… back to the READ BEFORE COMMENTING point. From the beginning my comment was about men that don’t WANT custody.
    How about this: How many men man up and WANT custody. Is that better wording for you? (If you read either comment you will realize that is my point, not the men that do try)
    Like I said, aaggaaaiinn, some get a raw deal.
    The majority do not even try. As you said, I do know the stats for men that don’t even try. If you take all the divorced men, all the men that never even married the woman, and interviewed them… most of them would not know how hard it is, because they never even tried. Never even looked into it. Do you seriously think otherwise??? Seriously???
    Don’t get me started on suicide stats… Come on. You actually bring me back to my first point. Feel bad for the kids that are left behind when the father doesn’t care… Those suicide rates are much higher then the few men that really do try and get denied access to their kids. Suicide is awful either way, no matter who you’re talking about. But NOT part of this discussion at all. But if someone actually kills themselves because thier ex is so horrible and won’t let him see his kids… well, I’ll just say: that’s not helping the kids much is it?

  11. 4real
    April 18, 2010 at 6:09 pm

    Well, since you are all posting comments on here, I assumed you could read… But I will say again anyway: Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure some get a raw deal… In fact I’m sure a LOT get a raw deal. but I’m talking majority here. The guys on here that have actually fought to get there kids and can’t… that is a raw deal. It’s not right. Suck as Alnice, people do get screwed. BUT try and read the comment again. Just because you may be doing the right thing, that doesn’t make you the majority! For those of you ranting and raving: calm down, take a step back and look around. The stats? EASY. It’s called real life. When there is a divorce/or parents never married the male usually does not fight for the kids. Sorry if this hurts your feelings… it’s a rough world out there.

    A bully? Because I said something you don’t like??? LOL, that is just plain stupid. You must not know the definition of bully.

    If you are a man that actually got away from an abusive relationship and FOUGHT to get your kids out too, then you are to be applauded. No need to be so angry, because I wasn’t talking about you. It is to bad more aren’t like you, but it’s just the truth. It’s not in my little world LOL. It’s the real world and it’s to bad you can’t accept it.

    Me? I am actually a child of one of these cases. I posted a comment and never called anyone ignorant, or any names. How can you say I’m a bully when you are all calling me names? Especially Alicia… I’m a crazy bitch??? lol. AND a troll??? Well, that is very nice of you. It’s actually women like YOU that make me shake my hed in wonderment. It’s ok though… talk about me like I said something so horrible, and then you leave your whole rant there and call ME a crazy bitch… to funny. I needed a laugh today Alicia, thank you. I’m surprised you said you’re married… I would have thought you about 12 years of age otherwise.

    To those of you who are real men and wouldn’t let your kids stay with the crazy ex, good for you. If you are fighting for them even though it’s an uphill battle, you are doing the right thing. I am truly sorry if I offended YOU, because that was not my intention at all.
    For those of you that aren’t, or for some reason are angered by the truth (like our name calling little girl Alicia) to bad, real life isn’t always pretty. Sorry if you don’t like to hear the truth once in a while.

    That goes for the shrink too. If you want to pretend these good men are the majority, you are doing a disservice to your followers. It is good to help men out of abusive relationships but pretending they all are perfect and ALL try to get their kids out is ,in your words: “utterly and blindingly ignorant” I would expect that from some one like Alicia, or the other posters in denial, but you have a clue- or SHOULD anyway. The majority of men get out of the relationship and DO not try and get custody. It’s the truth. You know it, I know it, I think everybody knows it whether they admit it or not.

    • jp
      April 18, 2010 at 11:35 pm

      4real :For those of you ranting and raving: calm down, take a step back and look around. The stats? EASY. It’s called real life.

      That would be a laughable statement if it weren’t so ignorant. You mention stats, but then don’t point to any and instead describe your own impression of what you think goes in in family court as “real life”.

      Here’s what generally happens: couple gets divorced, husband sees lawyer, lawyer tells him “you can fight for custody if you want but it will cost 20-100K and unless your wife is physically abusing your children–and you can prove it beyond doubt–you will almost definitely lose. Plus you’ll have to allege your wife is an unfit mother, which may cause her to respond by accusing you of same or worse, in which case your reputaiton will be destroyed and you may lose your kids forever. In any case, in addition to your lawyer you’ll have to pay for a Guardian Ad Litem to interview you, your children, their teachers, your favorable witnesses, neighbors, extended family, etc., and file his/her report which may not favor you because surprise, surprise, a lot of GALs have the same bias as the court, plus you’ll have to subject yourself to a psych evaluation which you will have to pay for, plus one for your wife which you may have to pay for, etc., etc., etc., all before we even get to court, at the end of which you will still most likely lose and very well may end up with less than the visiation your wife is offering now. What do you want to do?”

      In other words the odds are so stacked against him–and the custody fight so destructive and expensive–that in many cases it’s simply irrational to fight for custody. Part of a lawyer’s job is to tell you what your chances are and in most cases the eithical ones tell men it’s not worth it.

      In your first post you said “how many men man up and get custody?” as if it’s just a matter of them choosing to have it. But you can want it more than anything in the world, be a worthy father, have loads of money, and a good case, and it doesn’t mean squat. You will almost definitely lose. And there are stats that show this. (You can find them on FathersandFamilies.org.) The husband has to make the best decision for all involved. If he’s more than likely to lose, should he spend every penny he has and can raise (spend the kids college fund, sell the house, borrow from everyone he knows), and subject his kids to the GAL and shrinks and testifying in court, and subject himself to accusations of abuse, etc., just to prove he’s ‘man enough’ to want custody?

      I’m sure you could find stats that show most fathers don’t fight for custody, but for that stat to have any meaning you’d have to filter the results for guys that wanted custody but couldn’t fight due to lack of resources, are stationed overseas, have been laid off, etc., or have some money but know the probabilities of winning are so small that’s it’s financial suicide to try. And if the father is broke from the trial, how is he going to pay child support? Because if he can’t pay it he gets labeled a “dead beat dad” and can easily end up in jail at worst and usually pushed out of his kids’ life completely.

      A better stat would be to interview every divorced/divorcing father ands ask him if he wants full or split custody of his children. If you had children of your own you’d know that the overwhelming response would be “yes”.

      Another stat to check out is the high rate of suicide among divorced men denied access to their children.

      JP

      • 4real
        April 19, 2010 at 12:13 am

        oh wow, I didn’t realize you were the same one that called me an “infant” lol. Nice name calling! Shows me (the infant) how immature you are… and helps me see why you seem to leave comments without even understanding the point. Thanks! :) Have a great day!
        ga ga goo goo.

        • Alnico
          April 19, 2010 at 1:56 am

          I am amazed at how you can come on to Shrink4Men’s board and call people you do not know names then get mad when we, or those who care for us, suggest you may be a craxy b. Did you really expect anything less?

          Oh, you don’t believe you called anyone names? You said, “I’m sure if you talk to all these men you have helped out of abusive relationships (which is a great thing), the majority will say how there exes are crazy bitches… but how many actually man up and get custody of their kids??? Then they wouldn’t have to worry about child support would they? THEY would be receiving instead of paying… I mean, it’s ok to leave the crazy bitch, but make your kids stay with her???”

          Which is just your way of name calling: Saying men lie about thier ex’s being craxy bitches (your a lier), saying that men did not man-up – they are less than a man (your not real man), saying that they are poor fathers because they got out but didn’t get thier kids out (your a bad dad).

          The later takes the cake. Call me a bastard. Call be an asshole. Call me any name you like – and I could give a rats ass. The later, that is just as wrong as a guy who bangs his best friends girl.

          It is generally a good thing to feel the pulse of newsboard / thread / blog before you start posting on it. Had you done that with this, I would hope you would have figured out that your comments would be found offensive by most of the people who are regularly involved here.

          Did you intend to be so offensive? You were. If you didn’t intend to be such, perhaps you can reflect and discover that your state is even worse if you did it without intent.

          As a man, I can tell you that often men want custody but never go for it because they know the kids will be used as weapons to get whatever they want. Men do not try because they know trying is most likely a raw deal.

        • Happy now
          April 21, 2010 at 3:28 am

          I have read enough tripe from 4Real.

          To be honest, we are all ignoring the real victims – the children!!!

          I fought for custody of mine. The ex even took them 12,500 miles away to live on the other side of the world and I couldnt stop it happening…..what did I do? I moved 12,500 miles to be there for them..giving up my career, partner, house etc.

          She was emotionally abusing them for almost 10 years. It took that long for the court to order a psyc assessment – which confirmed her abuse.

          Outcome!!?? Too late. Two kids – one 19 and has had 3 years of counselling and run ins with the police (on antidepresants) and an 18 year old who cuts herself and has tried numerous time to commit suicide.

          Its not all about the money you crazy woman – but the money is always used as a tool – as is access to the children.

          • April 21, 2010 at 3:55 am

            Hi. I just want you to know that it may not be too late. My own kids were abused by my ex-spouse before I managed to finally get free. They are 19 and 17 (so about the same age as yours). My youngest was cutting himself and threatening suicide – had several hospitalizations. My oldest is quite the recluse. It has taken a couple of years, but they are both pulling out of their shells and starting to find themselves. I admire your resolve to be do what is best for your kids. I am no psychologist, and am only speaking from personal experience. Dr. T may be able to point you to some good resources for your kids. I will keep your kids in my thoughts, and you as well.

      • G-man
        April 26, 2010 at 2:28 am

        So, 4Real, your point is what, exactly?
        Right. Point is, there is no point save to insult people who are already suffering from abusive, insulting relationships with those who twist their own cognitive distortions into some kind of psuedo-fact based reality (in their own minds, that is).
        Who let an NPD/BPD onto our forum?
        Arghhh! We’ve been infected! Quick, get the BPD spray!
        4Reals’ last post was the most confusing display of meandering, nonsensical verbosity I have had the displeasure or reading in a long time.
        Dr. T, thank you for nipping it in the bud ASAP. Now, back to helping each other understand what we’ve been through, in peace, with empathy….whew

  12. Alnico
    April 17, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    I fought and got 38% custody. I pay $1423/mo in child support, provide all the health care, and maintain a complete separate home and household needs, clothing, etc., for my two joint children. Since there is no presumption of 50/50 in Minnesota, I consider myself screwed that I did not get 50/50 and lucky that I did not get the little time that most men get when they really try.

    Then, there is my current wife, a wondeful person all around – she told the judge in Florida she wanted her ex to have 50/50 and the judge told her they didn’t do that. He ordered her full custody and he got every other weekend daddy duty. Men to try to get thier kids have to fight a very steep social, judicial bias AND often fight a bitch who wants to use the kids as a weapon or a way of getting her own financial support.

  13. Henry
    April 16, 2010 at 6:31 pm

    As a father who is in the beginning stages of divorce, and fighting tooth and nail to get primary custody of his child, I want to thank everyone who commented on the bigoted and ignorant comment from “4real” (Is this guy for real?)

  14. Phil
    April 16, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    For years I did the taxes. After going back to school and majoring in business and accounting (did not ever get a job) she has done them. This year I insisted we do them together. She was angry that I was involved (I do not let her handle the money any more since finding stashes of cash hid around the house). She told me I did not appreciate her help and she didn’t care if we had to pay out the nose. I asked her what happened to the rebate check last year (over $1000) and she dropped her head and said “you gave it to me”. I thought I had her but she countered that it was not a gift if I tried to take it back. A reference to the fact that the cash she stole and hid was put back in the bank. Just can’t win.

  15. 4real
    April 16, 2010 at 3:13 am

    Aww, don’t let your heart go out TO for the men that have to pay child support. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure some got a raw deal, BUT most would rather pay up then have the actual responsibility of raising them. Which is much more expensive by the way. I’m sure if you talk to all these men you have helped out of abusive relationships (which is a great thing), the majority will say how there exes are crazy bitches… but how many actually man up and get custody of their kids??? Then they wouldn’t have to worry about child support would they? THEY would be receiving instead of paying… I mean, it’s ok to leave the crazy bitch, but make your kids stay with her???
    So don’t feel to bad, If you want, you can feel bad for the kids they are obviously not raising if they are paying child support…

    • shrink4men
      April 16, 2010 at 3:16 am

      I have never said this in response to a comment before, but you are utterly and bindingly ignorant.

      Many of the men on this site and elsewhere are DESPERATE to have more time with their children and would love to raise them, but their spiteful, controlling and abusive exes and broken family court system often make it damn near impossible. Get a clue.

      Dr T

      • Ace
        April 16, 2010 at 10:33 am

        4real,
        Re Child support and ‘how many many would be man enough to get custody of their kids’. Every sane person in the world knows how difficult it is for the male to get full custody, regardless of how wonderful or wealthy they are. I got a 50/50
        custody ruling in my Divorce but my kids refused to go to Ex’s. She has virtually no contact with the kids, which I and most people male & female find very weird for a mother. It no doubt suits her needs. They live with me 24/7 and appear to be well pleased and balanced in the scheme of their life experiences. And I think I’m the lucky one, I don’t find it a burden and would not have it any other way. 4real I think you seriously need to get real, and perhaps go back on the medication.

        Thanks for the great work Dr T

      • G-man
        April 26, 2010 at 1:31 am

        Right on Dr. T!
        Go girl, go!
        You rock!

      • truthseekertruethinker
        April 28, 2010 at 7:44 pm

        It’s rude to derail a rant with logic.

    • Closure, at last
      April 16, 2010 at 3:46 am

      Wow – 4real – Are you a crazy bitch yourself? Or are you a man who stayed with a crazy bitch too long and picked up her toxicity? You sure sound, spell and show an incredible lack of sociopath-type apathy yourself. (‘there’ should be spelt ‘their’, and ‘then’ – than in the context.)

      Please do yourself a favour – if you wish to sprinkle salts on wounds and are here looking for attention by deliberately being mean (and alarmingly ignorant) please move on to your next BP/NP relation and germinate and get devoured.

      Get your facts straight about what many good men go through. And perhaps educate yourself on Rene Magritte’s art (if you even know who that is) before showing your horrendous lack of knowledge and remarkable hubris and an obvious lack of informed thinking.
      And if you have more toxic comments, please don’t use the hospitality of this site to spew. This is for people with a certain standard of wisdom and experience and empathy. And who have genuinely suffered. Go, get yourself an education.
      Good luck.

    • Verbal
      April 16, 2010 at 4:52 am

      4real is a troll.

      • Closure, at last
        April 16, 2010 at 1:43 pm

        Which makes him a cyber-bully, and a bully in any case. I’d never wish this on anyone – but if he/she is this ignorant (and an obvious bully) I hope he/she does get a bad narc/BP experience, 4real.

    • jp
      April 16, 2010 at 2:30 pm

      4real,

      You have no idea what you’re talking about. Do you know how difficult it is to get equal access to your own children? How easily you can lose even the most minimal visitation if your ex makes a false accusation of child or spousal abuse? My ex brother in law spent $75K fighting for custody with my crazy sister who refused to take their daughter to the doctor and he ended up with every other weekend and dinner once a week. Man enough? He kept fighting after he’d gone broke and was hopitalized for stress related illness. He was a warrior who almost died fighting to be able to protect and raise his daughter. And there are thousands upons thousands of stories like that out there.

      You’re an infant.

      JP

    • April 17, 2010 at 11:15 pm

      Ok – I don’t post on here often, but wow… why are you so bitter? I agree with Verbal that you are probably a troll – but who hurt you so badly that you would come to a forum of abused people and spit in their faces knowing nothing about them? What kind of a person does that?

      >> BUT most would rather pay up then have the actual responsibility of raising them.

      Where do you get your statistics that MOST don’t want to raise them? You speak as if you were an expert. Just because this may have happened in your tiny little world or in your friends’ worlds doesn’t mean it’s fact all the way around the board. If you are going to say MOST, at least have the courtesy of providing the source of your information so that we may all be enlightened.

      >>but how many actually man up and get custody of their kids??? Then they wouldn’t have to worry about child support would they? THEY would be receiving instead of paying… I mean, it’s ok to leave the crazy bitch, but make your kids stay with her???

      I offered 50% custody to my ex in court, but the court turned it down. Also, my husband now has ALMOST 40% custody and had to FIGHT and spend THOUSANDS of dollars to get what he has. Things aren’t always what they appear.

      >>So don’t feel to bad, If you want, you can feel bad for the kids they are obviously not raising if they are paying child support…

      My husband has a friend that has 100% custody of his kids and still pays child support. My cousin has his kids (one of which isn’t even his) 75% of the time and pays his ex child support. I also know a man who lives in the spare bedroom of his ex-wife’s house so he can pay the child support and still be with his kids. He is ordered to pay it despite the fact he pays for the mortgage on the house and buys all the food. Your comment that if the men are paying child support they aren’t raising their kids is totally ignorant.

      Perhaps you should gather some REAL statistics rather than come on here and further illustrate to these men that you are just another crazy bitch.

      I’m sorry guys. I hope you don’t mind me (a female) jumping in here with my opinion. It’s just women like this that make me shake my head in wonderment.

    • 4real
      April 18, 2010 at 6:13 pm

      WOW, so much name calling… it’s really to bad. I though this was a blog for adults… oh well. It’s almost as if no one read my whole comment… it’s ok. I’m glad I could help you all get your frustrations and name calling out of your systems. Good for you! Have a great day :)

  16. Alnico
    April 15, 2010 at 10:43 pm

    Make sure you talk to an attorney before you have your STBX take your kids out of the country – so that you can avoid the pain of trying to get your kids back internationally — which can often be impossible should she deside to not return them.

  17. geronimo
    April 15, 2010 at 10:12 pm

    Funny you should mention taxes here.

    My abusive bully of a STBX and I thought we would be getting over $1000 back from the gov’t this year. We usually did.

    She said she wanted to take the kids to visit her family in England, so she asked that the entire refund check go to her. Since I still felt some guilt about leaving her, I said sure, yeah, take it all.

    After all, our son hasn’t seen that side of his family in about ten years and our five-year-old daughter has never even met them, thanks in no small part to my ex’s refusal to allow her own family to visit her here. (They have asked a few times and even come to this country a couple of times, but they aren’t allowed to come see her or their grandkids.)

    Anyway, turns out our tax status had changed, and this year we owed $1500. And of course now that we owed money, she wanted me to pay the entire bill.

    • jp
      April 16, 2010 at 2:11 pm

      geronimo,

      If you have reasons to feel guilty, deal with them on your own, but try not to let them impact your decisions where she’s concerned. As you can see from your post, you get no credit from her for “doing the right thing”, and once she realizes your guilt is weak point, she’ll exploit it for any advantage she can get. I bent over backwards for my ex after we split due to my own guilt–which was real…I’d behaved badly–and it meant nothing to her other than to encourage her to ask for more. Guilt is the most useless of emotions, though powerful.

      JP

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