Home > Abusive relationships, Borderline Personality Disorder, humor > Lost and Found: Does Anyone Have an Ex-Borderline Girlfriend or Wife in the West Hempstead-East Northport-NYC Vicinity Whom You Told about Shrink4Men During the Break-Up?

Lost and Found: Does Anyone Have an Ex-Borderline Girlfriend or Wife in the West Hempstead-East Northport-NYC Vicinity Whom You Told about Shrink4Men During the Break-Up?

Perhaps this is not the best way to go about doing this, but I’m a big believer in implementing consequences for crazy and malicious BPD behavior, so here we are. Beginning late last week, a woman, whom I assume is the former spouse or girlfriend of a man who frequents this site, began spamming my site with puerile comments in which she engages in name calling and other typical BPD verbal attacks against Shrink4Men readers/commenters and me.

None of these comments have been approved nor will they be approved because they’re nothing more than lame attempts to hurt my readers feelings and my feelings and they would only distract from the meaningful dialogue, sharing and support that takes place here. The irony is that her attacks don’t hurt my feelings. In fact, my thoughts are, “Gee, I can see why her ex broke up with her” and “I wonder how many texts and voicemails the poor bastard who was dating/married to her is getting everyday?” If anything, her spams only reinforce my beliefs about BPD and the information presented on this site.

Now, the reason I am posting this rather than something more productive: Gentlemen, if you believe this is your ex/gf/wife, please contact me and I will send you all of her spam comments with the date, time stamp and multiple IP addresses, so that you can include them as evidence of her unstable/stalker/harassment behavior in any pending divorce/restraining order cases. If need be, I have access to an Internet security expert who can trace pretty much anything directly to the source.

She has been spamming from multiple IP addresses. Over the weekend, most of the spams were posted from West Hempstead, NY and one from East Northport, NY at the end of the weekend. The most recent spam IP address traces back to New York, NY. My guess would be she has a summer place out on Long Island or family that she visited over the weekend and is back in the City now or perhaps she lives on LI and had to come into the city for something. In either case, if you suspect this is your ex and you would like some evidence of her unstable Borderline behavior, please send me an email and I’ll forward everything to you.

In closing, this is why it usually isn’t a good idea to tell your abusive wife/girlfriend ex about my site. You can certainly tell her you believe she’s abusive and possibly has a PD, but please don’t direct them to my website. It will gain you absolutely nothing. Plus, if you are planning to divorce, you do not want to give this kind of a woman a head’s up, which is what directing her to Shrink4Men will do. I understand the need for validation/vindication, but this is not the way to get it. The best way is to end the relationship, let go, get on with your life and have a healthy relationship with a kind, loving and stable woman. That is the best proof that “it was her” all along and not you.

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Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.


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  1. kiwihelen
    August 14, 2010 at 8:26 pm

    Stefano :
    Hi Anon…Sadly most relationships end like this. Beginning to wonder if their are any good ones left.
    My oh my thank God I am out of it and living and enjoying life again :-)

    Don’t be completely made cynical by this stuff Stefano, there are plenty of us nice women out there, and some relationships do work! Having never expected to find someone I really cared for again after my own NPD experience, I have finally fallen for another survivor of a PD relationship, and although we need to work hard at making things good between us, both of us wanting to do the work is exciting and wonderful.

  2. Stefano
    August 14, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    Hi Anon…Sadly most relationships end like this. Beginning to wonder if their are any good ones left. It amazes me the lies she told at the beginning. She told me she was a child psychologist…translation she worked in a childrens home! I could go on and on and on about the lies and don’t even get me started on the foul language that surfaced.
    My oh my thank God I am out of it and living and enjoying life again :-)

    • Anon
      August 14, 2010 at 9:00 pm

      It all starts with the first lie…and it is down hill from there…even if the other person is trusting. There is a dynamic at work (I believe) in the human heart that, once a person tells a lie, it alters ‘who they are’ in their relationship – how they act and react. They become irresponsible, in the real sense of the word (the ability to respond) to life. I seems to have been happening since Adam and Eve hid in the bushes from God, and it ain’t gonna end any time soon. But I have to say – God is good.

  3. Anon
    August 13, 2010 at 10:34 pm

    It’s funny how my exBPD could be so crazy jealous and make life hell on earth with all these insane (and false) accusations, only to discover after I left that the only cheat in the relationship was her. That day was the end of my heartache…seeing her for what she is. Hope she gets help, but am afraid that the only help for that stuff is God.

  4. Anon
    August 13, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    A relationship with a BPD is like watching My Fair Lady in reverse:

    It begins with a beautiful and refined lady, acting and speaking in ways that are exactly what the amazed man desires. As the movie (relationship) progresses, she is transforms into a grubby thing from the bad part of town…foul-mouthed and mean as a snake. And in the end – they are strangers, and the guy’s just trying to decipher the incomprehensible babbling streaming from her.

    • ron
      August 13, 2010 at 8:46 pm

      Dave, honestly, it was the discovery of her affairs. If not for those, I would probably be dead or in an asylum. It was he one clear, bright line that I have always drawn in any relationship.
      Now, I am grateful that she cheated, although early on, it caused me a lot of pain.
      Once I figured out that it was my get out of jail free card , Iactually thanked her affair partner. The guy was amazed, as he assumed i was the monster she described, undoutedly(she always badmouthed those she painted black).
      The guylasted about 18 months. Then, she threw him ou, claimng he did not do enough for her(just gave her money etc.)
      Now, she is dating a married guy who is cheating on his wife. She has been arrested once, in front of the kids, and had her power turned off for 5 weeks on 2 occassions due to her failure to pay the bill(despite getting 2500 a mnoth from me , and noow working herself).
      I am so happy she cheated and made me wake up.

  5. Cousin Dave
    August 13, 2010 at 7:01 pm

    Ron, thanks for that post. A curiosity question, if you don’t mind: What was it that finally tipped the scales for you, as far as leaving the relationship? Was it one specific thing, or did you just wake up one day and decide you’d had enough?

  6. Gooberzzz
    August 13, 2010 at 2:30 am

    Something interesting that Dr. T. illuded to in the comments is how these types “go dark” for several months then resurface with more vengeance. This reinforces the need for a continous policy of ‘no contact.’ There is an element of revenge behavior that exists with BPDs, and you never know when they will hit, even when they are being ‘nice’ to you. Scary. Don’t be hoovered!

  7. never again
    August 11, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    Excellent post Ron.

    People often talk about finding the strength to leave an abusive relationship. In my circumstance, I simply ran out of the strength to stay.

    Despite the ride she took me for, I expect to be out from under in about a year, financially, but I think it will take me the rest of my life to deal with the emotional/trust thing.

  8. ron
    August 11, 2010 at 6:27 pm

    James, i would bet dollars to doughnuts that the majority of men dealing with disordered women have already expended considerable time and effort in trying to get them help and to fix the relationship. By the time someone gets to a site like this, he is going nuts from the frustration.
    I doubt anyone that has not already reached the popint of desperation gets to a site like this.
    Richard Skerritt has an interesting article on the phenomenon of how men in these situations stay way too long. Essentially, he points out that, typically, by the time the guy to the point of leaving, he has sapped most of his resources, financial and emotional. He feels recovery is much harder if the guy has reached this point of desperation before leaving. Healing takes enrgy and resources and, if those are too depleted, the guy has a much tougher time recovering.
    I was one of those guys. My background as an attorney and a professional athlete led me to the belief that i was a failure if i gave up.
    I felt that if i approached my marriage as i did my work and athletic career , simply working to exhaustion and never giving up was the way to handle this. By the end, I was a shell of myself. My physical health had declined. My ability to concentrate was shot. I am sure my inteleectual functioning was significantly impaired.
    For me , nothing I did worked. I wanted my marriage to work so badly and i loved my kids so much, i worked 3 jobs to try to keep us afloat financially. I did tons of childcare and househod work, as well. I was nice to my wife. I supported her and was open with her.
    All this stuff did no good.
    Now, when i see a guy in the beginning stages of realizing he is dealing with an NPD or BPD and , possibly a sociopath, I tell him to get out before he reaches the nadir.
    I guess , for me, perhaps the confidence I have that i tried everything made satying to the point of despair worth it. But, I am not sure. 4 years out from seperation and divorce, I am still digging out finanacially and I am pretty messed up in terms of being able to trust another woman.
    maybe i would have healed faster and been a better oasis for my kids if i bailed earlier.

    • Steve
      August 13, 2010 at 4:06 pm

      I agree Ron.
      I also began to simply run out of gas … emotionally, physically and financially. It felt like I was pouring every resource I had into a black hole that had no apparent return of any kind. For over 20 years I felt like my life was, literally, being sucked out of me. I didn’t understand what was going on until I discovered what personality disorders were all about. It made perfect sense and it confirmed in me the need to leave if I was to salvage any of myself.
      My ex still tells me that I made a “horrible mistake” … Well, I disagree. It was a tough decision, but it was necessary. I imagine now that I’m not around to blame or tee off on anymore, I imagine it’s pretty rough for her. But she’ll fine someone else to take that role I’m sure. Hang in there. We’ll make it.

  9. Gerry Halcrow
    August 9, 2010 at 5:45 pm

    Dear Dr Tara

    It is a great shame someone is trying to shoot the messenger rather than receive the message, but I guess that is the nature of the illness. Your website and advice have been very helpful to me. Thank you.

    Auckland, New Zealand

  10. Ron
    August 9, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    Gotta disagree with James on the staying and trying to help my XW deal. No way was she going to get any help and I am no good to my kids if I die from a coronary.
    As it stands, I can offer them a safe haven from her and can show them a more normal existence is possible.

    • James
      August 9, 2010 at 7:38 pm

      I am not saying we should alway stay in the sick relationship. My point is we should try to heal the relationship for our kids. And if it doesn’t work out, I’ll leave.

      I hold the believe that it is the best interest of the kid to grow up with both parents.

      • D
        August 9, 2010 at 10:32 pm

        There are facts and states of minds when you do work on the marriage, and facts and states of mind when you decide that you need to leave. When your state of mind is that you don’t know if there is a real underlying problem, and it still may just be not more than me-and-her, then naturally it’s right to put some work into it, especially if she expresses interest in putting in the work too.

        But whether your discover an underlying problem or not, if you determine that you are being abused and she will not agree that it is abuse and/or not take responsibility for the abuse and take steps to stop it and protect you and your children from it, then those are facts that dictate leaving.

        No one should stay in an abusive relationship. We know that it is absurd for women to stay in abusive relationships, we have not internalized that for men. Men are constantly sent messages that what is abuse for her is not for us and what is intolerable to a woman is normal for us to expect and endure. This is not true, but the social message and breaking free of it is what people on this site struggle so much with.

      • August 10, 2010 at 12:50 am

        James :I hold the believe that it is the best interest of the kid to grow up with both parents.

        Not always, James. (Case in point: me). That depends on the parents. In agreement with D, if she doesn’t acknowledge her part and actively works to heal herself, staying with her will likely only make you sicker (emotionally, mentally, and possibly physically). Staying with a sick person does not make them well.

        Having said that, I understand and repsect your viewpoint. And to that end, I say More Power To Ya. You never know…maybe you’ll be the exception that proves the rule…just please stay vigilant and watch how the children grow and change…especially if they get to the point of dating – how do they treat others in that situation? What kind of partners do they attract?

        Take care,

        • James
          August 10, 2010 at 7:05 pm

          I fully agree with your point. As I said, my point is once things are proven not working out, I will definitely make the right decision to leave.

          • kiwihelen
            August 14, 2010 at 8:22 pm

            Hi James,

            With gentle respect to your POV, can I please suggest you set yourself some very clear timelimits and goals around what you mean by the relationship improving?

            My SO is leaving after 18 years of marriage to his BPD STBX. He saw problems on the honeymoon. He thought they were his problems for long enough to be blessed by the birth of two daughters.

            Many countries are being far more aware of the role of fathers and he is fortunately in a country which presumes 50:50 joint custody unless there are reasons otherwise. His STBX would love there to be reasons otherwise, but at this time he has 50:50 custody and his eldest wants to be with her Dad more.

            So few of these people believe they need/want treatment. My NPD ex certainly did not. I at least did not have the children to tie me to relating to him, but relating at a distance is a damn sight easier as far as I can see, and generally better for the children as they get one sane parent.

  11. Dan
    August 8, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    OK, this article made me LOL a little.
    Too bad about the amount of spam etc, but nice work on holding the person accountable on some level. Nice work doc.

  12. August 8, 2010 at 12:12 am

    Hey Dr.T

    You’re one brave woman! Also allowing this BPD woman to place her vile personal attacks on your site and actually feeling ENTITLED enough that you should meekly ‘approve’ her comments and place them is equal to expecting you – a rational, kind woman who has helped so many men (and sane women) online – to literally pick up her vitriolic stones (or pee on your wall) and stone or stain yourself! The logic of the expectation of those who personally attack a person who writes articles filled with healing, rationality and wit baffles me! Wait a minute – these people ARE devoid of logic (and empathy.)

    I am so glad I followed your advice that you gave on how to ignore them when one attacker (who was using diff. e-mails with the same IP address) went berserk for my post on the shallow hedonism ‘princess’ behaviour promoted in SATC2. Anyhoo – I hope you had a good trip in Cambridge and good luck on your new changes in life – and here’s a link for laughs – wishing you could give this crazy entitled woman the treatment and ‘punches’ Charlie Brooker gives to the mini-BPs and Ns here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0b7mwTK564o&feature=related (Though this one is more appropriate under your ‘You are not a princess post.’)

    I think all readers of your site should compulsarily press the ‘delete history’ button – both on their browser windows to keep you safe from such attacks and also literally ‘delete history’ with these female psychopaths. (And yes – they absolutely are – I have biomedical engineer Oakley’s book to support the ‘psychopath’ fact – and boy even on amazon a BPD woman attacks her till another reviewer has written that Oakley’s book hit the truth too close to the attacker.)

    Be safe from these crazies. You’re such a brave lady for so many reasons.Words can’t express how much your insights, rationality and say-it-as-it-is clarity and wisdom has helped me to decipher the vile code of these Machiavellians (both in relations and in female-bullying tactics or hovering-around-the-ex-and-scaring-off-the-new-kind-girl tactics.)

    Bravo doc!

  13. Anon
    August 7, 2010 at 3:32 pm

    She’s obviously posting from a smartphone (iPhone), which explains all the IP addresses. They change as the cell provider (ATT) routes traffic on the fly and are merely the location of the particular tower the phone happens to be routed through at the moment.

  14. Rob
    August 7, 2010 at 2:53 am

    The spamfest Dr. T has described is certainly annoying, but on the spectrum of what such people can do via computers, it is actually pretty tame.

    In one case, part of the cyberwarfare practiced by the abusive undiagnosed BPD mom involved a guy who seems to have NPD and his own history of child abuse. She teamed up many people she manipulated to attack her ex, including with the narcissist guy with whom she had been having an affair. He is a computer security expert who works in US national defense, has a security clearance, and likely has access to sophisticated hacking and spying tools. She got him to help with her divorce paperwork and distortion campaign.

    Among other things, he helped her spread defamation (falsely accusing the victim of being a child molester, psychopath, etc.) via the Internet as well as hacked email accounts for her. He impersonated a party who had contacted her ex as the party knew what was going on and knew both the uBPD and the narcissist were malicious liars. The impersonation was done in an attempt to prevent the spread of information about their affair. The husband of the uBPD hadn’t known about the affair the uBPD had been carrying on for years that started while she was in the third trimester of pregnancy with one of his children.

    This whole series of events turned out very badly for the children and the father. He barely gets to see them any more, lost his job primarily due to the harassment and defamation and the toll they were taking on him, and years later still has debilitating health problems from the years of emotional abuse he’s suffered. The abuse hasn’t stopped, either.

    Maybe one of the best things a father can do for children of such a mother is to remarry, making sure the new wife is not another abuser first. This can help give the children a good example of how healthy relationships work, thus addressing TheGirlInside‘s comment up above about how an abusive mother only shows the kids how to have an unhealthy marriage.

  15. webracin
    August 6, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    Unfortunately I know all to well about BPD. My EX who lives in Canada had my son, would not allow me to bring my son with me to the U.S. to visit with me or see his other ½ of the family or even acknowledge that they existed. I took her to court in Canada and won custody of my son. Her behavior is now worse than ever. She left over 145 voicemails on my phone over a 4 week span. She continues to point at everyone else (mainly me) for her losing custody of our son. What is really strange in my mind is that everything she is accusing me of, she did when my son was with her. Every email from her starts out with the typical “what an A hole you are”, then shifts gears to “can you do this for me”.

    There is no reasoning with a person like this, so I put myself in the mindset of, I will kill her with kindness. This too evokes a negative response from her, but I refuse to lose control of myself.

    I can say that anyone who has heard both sides of the story knows she has problems, and my son is where he needs to be, however there are a large number of her family that, in my opinion, suffer from the same thing or don’t want to feel the wrath so they are enabling her behavior by supporting her and encouraging her to continue on.

    We won a huge battle in July of this year. The Justice in Canada has now released jurisdiction so if she wants to continue to take me to court, she has to do it here in the heartland of the US. Now the playing field is level. No more free lawyers for her while I have to pay through the nose. She will have to hire one just like me. In my case, the wheels of justice did work, but there is no correlation between money paid and speed of the process. All in all, it took me 5 years and will take another 5 to get the lawyers paid off.

    For those concerned, my son is doing great and attending counseling regularly. He has adjusted very well, I just have to remain vigilant and watch for the signs that may have been passed down from his mother. Its easier to correct the behavior early on then let it become the norm.

  16. August 6, 2010 at 1:36 am

    James :
    I think this will be a more responsible action a man can take. Some time it’s not for us, it’s for our kids.

    James: With all due respect, I disagree whole-heartedly. I’ve been thinking about your post all day at work today…here are my thoughts…Take them as you will.

    1. When your abuser abuses you, does she mostly do it in public where there are ‘witnesses’ or behind closed doors? What makes you believe she doesn’t also do the same with the children? Is a good /doting Mommy when you are there to ‘witness’ it, but when there’s no others adults around to see and hear her…??

    2. Narcissists generally enjoy small children, as they are mentally and emotionally pliable, and willing to please. They are almost like puppies, in the sense that no matter how much they get ‘kicked’ they will keep coming back for more, even if that is just an occasional bit of praise in between proverbial (or God forbid, literal) kicks. What do you suppose will happen to her relationship with them when they start to assert themselves, and offer opinions that differ from hers? What happens to you when you offer an opposing viewpoint?

    3. Just because she may not be actively abusing your children doesn’t mean they will not be forever ‘imprinted’ with the knowledge of what a ‘healthy’ adult relationship is. It’s been said that children learn how to ‘be’ their own gender from their same-sex parent, and learn how to ‘love’ from their opposite sex parent…do you want your children to grow up learning to abuse or be abused in their adult relationships? that love is abuse? that being abused is not abuse, but ‘normal’? Really think about this one.

    Please take a look at one of Dr. Tara’s most recent articles: https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2010/07/26/letter-from-an-adult-child-of-cluster-b-personality-disorder-parents-the-damage-done/

    I left FOR my children…I saw what I was becoming, and desperately did not want them to learn from me what I learned from my parents (which was in essence, how NOT to do life), who stayed married, but emotionally crippled their children in the meanwhile.

    Is it worth it?

    Good luck and God Bless,

    • James
      August 6, 2010 at 6:57 pm


      I hear your point. As you know, a lot abusive women are very controlling. And because our legal system believe that a kid is better to stay with the mom, 8 out of 10 times, the custody will be awarded to the mother, even if she’s abusive. In our system, it’s even very hard to prove some one is abusive in the court.

      In these cases, having the abusive moms to have custody with the kids will cause a big negative side affect on the children, since the moms are controlling. Furthermore, a lot of moms do not realize that they are abusive. I believe they love the kids and their partner. They just don’t know how to love in a healthy way. In their mind, their action are perfectly reasonable and protective (by controlling). If we, the ones being abused, show our effort and try to help them understand they are actually hurting those who they loved, it’s better for everyone, particular the kids.

      Of course, things might not work out. Then we can make the decision to leave.

      This is why I think we should try, for the best interest of the kid.

    • James
      August 6, 2010 at 9:46 pm

      In another words, I do not object leaving the relationship. I disagree leaving the relationship without trying.

  17. never again
    August 5, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    AFA them growing out of it, my NPD just seemed to be a confident, high-acheiving woman when I met and married her.

    When she was 40, she was forced to resign from a job that she really, really loved – her dream job – because of a lousy manager. That’s when the NPD hit full force. Overnight, her treatment of me did a complete 180 and life became unbearable.

    I really think that this happened because this manager was the first person in her entire life who ever said NO to my her. She was born with a silver spoon and excelled at everything she tried. She just couldn’t deal with not having something that she wanted.

    And when I finally left her, she REALLY went off. Because I was only the second person in her life to ever say NO to her, by leaving when she didn’t want me to.

    We had no children together, but I adored and was adored by her children (my step-kids). She’s absolutely forbidden any contact with them, which she knows is very hurtful to me, and shows her true concern about them. Their bio father is still very much in the picture, and even though he’s a Psychologist, he’s also a milquetoast and she’s still running his life 9 years after she divorced him.

  18. alex
    August 5, 2010 at 6:33 am

    And while your in the lost and found could you see if her humanity is somewhere in the bottom? and bring a feather duster.

  19. mgh
    August 5, 2010 at 5:35 am

    Is it Possible “The Headless Horseman” is really a BPD Female on the Loose
    in the Greater New York Area? This women is TERRIFYING!!

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  1. August 6, 2010 at 10:49 am

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