Home > Abusive relationships, Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder > Why High-Conflict, Abusive Women Try to Ruin the Christmas Holiday Season

Why High-Conflict, Abusive Women Try to Ruin the Christmas Holiday Season


There’s a new article on www.shrink4men.com that reviews common behaviors of abusive women during Christmas and offers possible explanations for their behaviors and attempts to ruin the holidays and other special occasions.

Here’s the link:

Why Abusive, High-Conflict, Personality-Disordered Women Frequently Ruin Christmas

Kind Regards,

Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

  1. Phoenix Rising
    December 28, 2010 at 1:53 am

    Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I am doing okay, not great but okay. I find myself being on edge many days waiting for day my ex comes after me again.My soon-to-be-ex-wife has since moved in with her rich older-by-16 years boyfriend. After the police came and took my daughter from me, it took three weeks to go to court and get by daughter back. I was worried what kind of damage my ex could do in three weeks to my daughter without me there to be a positive influence in her life. My daughter seems to be doing fine and is still a very loving and happy five-year old girl.(for now). My ex-wife’s boyfriend is no prize either. He is the most arrogant fool I have ever seen. He was actually trying to intimidate me as we waited for our hearing to start by staring at me and smiling at me. But she had also claimed that I had threatened his life too. Just part of her ploy to get him to pay for a new attorney and get him involved against me. He is a fool with a lot of money. He then by trying to negotiate the custody agreement between the witch and me. How much nerve is that? Both lawyers had to tell him to stay out of it and go sit down. I even told him to go away. I worry about my daughter living with them when she is not with me. My ex will use him for his money. He paid for her lawyer at the hearing so it did not cost her anything to come after me which means she will do it again(and because she did not get what she wanted).

    One day he will wake up and realize that he is a fool for trusting her and believing everything she says. She is probably telling him all the things she told me when we first got together. But he is just another pawn in her game. She hates old people and he looks closer to 60 years old, not the 53 years that he is. She was always complaining about money and that she deserved a better life and now she has one. The only question is how long can she keep her mask on till it cracks and he begins to see what she is.
    Meanwhile, I had to move home. She spent all of our money and stuck me with the bills while she walked away like it was nothing to her. I am financially devastated and beaten down by all of her verbal abuse and psychological abuse in six years of marriage and a year of separation. I got wise finally and I have documented everything since our separation in Dec. of 2009. So, I have a full accounting of her crazy behavior for most of this year(135 pages). Hell just yesterday, I had to contact her about getting my daughter back for my week. I texted her saying that I had not heard from her and that I should have had our daughter by noon. She texted back that I was late, It was my responsibility to come get her, I was wrong, blah blah blah, all my fault and I needed to read the custody agreement again. Well, as usual, the agreement says nothing about when, where or how to get my daughter for my week with her. It only stated that I was to have visitation starting at noon on Dec. 26. My whacko ex never called or texted me so I finally texted her at 2:30pm. She was just trying to set me up again and make me mad. I did not say a word when I picked up my daughter and my sister went with me. So, she did not say anything either.

    My plan now is to wait and give them enough rope to let them hang themselves by telling more lies and filing false charges again. I expect to do more suffering while this plan comes to fruition. But in the long run, she will be convicted of perjury which is a felony and deported by immigration(she is not a U.S.citizen yet). I don’t think she knows about this law either. Hope it works. I have the evidence of her lying from the last fiasco. But that never went to a hearing as she backed off when I said I wanted a hearing. She thought she could intimidate me and I would walk away from custody of my daughter. Never happen. I will also sue him for defamation of character as his letterhead is on the copies of the messages I was accused of sending during the time of the temp. restraining order.
    That law needs to change. It is open to major abuse by crazy women who don’t have to provide any proof of their allegations until the hearing. That is why my wife had to back off. She could not prove anything because it never happened. I should have told my lawyer “no deals, lets have a hearing”. But, I got my daughter back and that is what I care most about.

  2. B Experienced
    December 22, 2010 at 4:47 am

    Phoenix Rising

    I am glad you found a lawyer. These kind of false allegations are being taken serious more and more because of people like you and good lawyers. I am sorry for your nightmare. These people wear their masks in varying degrees and are professional actresses and actors. You did all the right things,and are a great example. Please note: because of their highly erratic behaviour your first mistake is to think you have all her behaviour down. Be ready for anything. The women with this disorder can find new tricks instantly. Their creative ability for evil never ceases to amaze me disgustingly so.

    I have been studying them for 30 years. From my perspective, I can tell you this. The Cluster B woman 30 years ago was generally not as diverse as she is today. Our culture has changed for the worse. These woman have a fertile stomping ground now.

    I hope you can get custody of your daughter. She is probably a pawn in her psychodrama and will most likely become her patsy. Her lack of boundary is interesting because she took your daughter over to her boyfriends house to sleep over. Normal woman don’t give their children sexual exposure. A five year old has no need to know about sex or why Mom is now sleeping in a new man’s bed. Any man worth their salt would see that too. How Borderline of her to already have a new man in her life ASAP. Let me guess. She loves him. I wonder how many sexual partners she has had. First you have to know what love is to say it.

    I am a woman who is fed up and damn sick of the shrinks who coddle and have compassion for these nutcases. Evil is evil. Call it what it is. People need to start criminally and civilly having their shrinks charged for enabling the Cluster B’s narcissism and hurting others in that way. Money and jail time does the trick. The shrink is putting people in grave danger with their poor judgment. No shrink I personally know would even start to suggest it because they are competent clinicians.

    If I was a judge, I wouldn’t stop speaking for one to two hours in front of a courtroom when one was in it about how horrible they really were. They wouldn’t get the benefit of having their shrink modulate the negative side of their behaviour so they aren’t harmed or emotionally engulfed. They didn’t give a damn about their victims and are crying for themselves. If they became suicidal,I would order hospitalization. If this sounds cruel,you are wrong. The only way they get it through their pig heads is when somebody in authority doesn’t let an ounce of their crap go on. Some don’t even let that affect them if their psychopathy is really high. That is a good indicator of high levels of psychopathy most of the time. Ignoring a judge or the law when they are right or blowing off a court order is a very serious offense. Once in awhile you will hear of someone doing that who isn’t psychopathic.

    If you give a narcissist an inch they take a mile. What gets me is that the MHP’s are supposed to be trained. I learned that in Abnormal Psychology 101; which is largely based on common sense. What does that tell you about the MHP who doesn’t see or know that.

    I knew how to put my BPD father in place and I meant it. He changed his mind in a hurry. I never fooled myself either that his psychopathy had changed because it is organic and most likely couldn’t have been cured. However, it is proof that they can control themselves and obey the law as well. The trick is to learn what they fear or don’t want taken away. Just don’t make threats that you can’t legally back up or recklessly provoke them.

    I had wanted to be a Forensic Psychiatrist myself. I had absolutely no desire to try and help the Cluster B’s. I was smart,and I wasn’t a fool or a masochist. I wanted to be on the prosecution’s side for the real victim. We need more of them.

    Not once and I mean not once in my lifetime did I displace any anger I had for my father on others. Any problem I had from it was my problem and my problem alone to deal with. I didn’t walk around blaming him for how I felt, whine or focus on his parental deficits. I saw the weaknesses in myself and then took full responsibility to strengthen them. His parental deficits were things I had to learn for myself. What parent teaches their child everything anyway. Never once did I have an expectation that somebody “had” to help me or love me. Nobody had to tell me that either.

    I don’t give a damn about their pain because you can’t. It is pathological sympathy and empathy to dismiss or make excuses for their abuse. Period. That concept is purely a Black and White one for any abusive behaviour disordered or not.

    A Cluster B can lie dormant for years, and I mean years and come from left field like a boomerang and try and hurt you. I have seen that too many times to count. Yet they have sought treatment from the so called Mental Health Professionals and are cured. That isn’t my idea of a cure. It is quite scary to see how long they can grudge hold, appear normal and then attack you without warning. If they don’t call that psychopathic and distrubed I don’t know what you would.

    I carried myself with the dignity and respect I always did and dealt with myself as an adult not a child in need of a parent. I gave people respect when it was deserved and stayed away from the ones who weren’t respectful of me. That is what normal people do with a healthy self esteem. The Cluster B’s largely either feed on sewage or are busy looking for narcissistic supply. The worse it is the more self absorbed they are. This is another sign of the degree of their PD (s). Even healthy children are not that self involved or have that many needs.

    A lot of clinically depressed or anxiety disordered people can be very self involved as well. However, they are trying to find a way out to be with others and get a normal life if they don’t have a PD with it. They hate it and don’t want any attention for it or put unrealistic demands on people either. It is important to know this because of the depressions that are common in the Cluster B’s.

    Some MHP’s want to cure people’s relationship with them. Therapy has it’s limits and the Cluster B’s in any form are not totally curable at this point in time. Most PD’s are a bitch to get out of anyway. Defenses can become like bones pathological or not. The only one I have hope for is Dependent PD. They are usually fun and loving people.I can have real sympathy and empathy for them. I myself don’t mind helping them because it is rewarding and it isn’t like pulling wisdom teeth out with a toothpick. It is pure narcissism and delusional for people in the field to believe they can cure psychopathy and the Cluster B’s totally if they believe that.

    Thankfully, there are MHP’s who don’t believe it. The part that gets to me is that they are abusing you and the MHP wants you to stay with them. The MHP needs help.
    The one punch or one psycho move and I am out of there mantra is what is needed. You would probably come out of the war in Iraq in better shape than in an intimate interpersonal relationship with a Cluster B. I would rather be shot than emotionally blackmailed or live with a Cluster B. At least I would have solid evidence of an injury that I could use in court so the law and others would believe me. I learned in my medical studies that getting shot isn’t as painful as you think. I know people who have been and they validated that. If you do stay, that is how warped your perspective can get. It even starts to look good because your tolerance for abuse has increased like an alcoholics has for booze. Yet you are supposed to stay for the cure. It is magical thinking to believe that. Their is no cure for psychopathy. Why would you want a relationship with an intraspecie predator anyway. I base my choices on grounded beliefs.

    The Cluster B would see that kind of therapy as a source for more leeway to have their abuse accepted in the future and form yet another maladaptive coping defense. These aren’t people who largely self correct. They are worse than healthy children who get ill behaved. Let those MHP’s find jobs in graveyards where they can’t hurt anybody. That is where they belong. Safely away from society.

    Take excellent care of yourself. I am encouraging you to you enjoy your life as much as you can now. The happier you are the more you will be able to endure when dealing with the rest of the mess she made and is still trying to create. I am very sorry that you have to deal with this at all.

  3. Alreadylost
    December 16, 2010 at 3:31 pm

    Question. How bad will it get now that I have started to cease playing the game? I refuse to be harassed over the phone and I just hang up. With caller I’d I don’t answer and I delete voice mail without listening to it. I refuse to answer interrogations about where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing. I won’t give her my passwords nor access to the financials. I am just about to start pursuing outside interests on the little free time I have without explaining wherevor with who. I refuse to hand over my work schedule and I am leaving my cell phone at work. So just how bad will it get? Anyone else rebelled and lived to tell about it?

    • PhoenixRising
      December 17, 2010 at 1:30 am

      I am currently separated from my narcissistic wife. Divorce should be final soon. I quite playing the game several months ago after trying to work things out, after dating again(her idea), after her affairs on match.com. after the constant lying, after a lot of crap.
      I had no contact except for our daughter since August and now no contact period. We exchange our daughter through a third party. When I began to rebel, the lies got bigger and the attacks more serious. She accused me of threatening her life and having a violent history, being under psychiatric care, abusing drugs, ect.. the works. She did this because last time I saw her I confronted her about her and my 5 year-old daughter spending the night with her boyfriend sometimes. All of her accusations were false. She even tried to frame me with phony messages claiming I had sent them after the TRO was issued. The messages were from several months before when we were still kinda seeing each other and getting along(or so I thought). She was just gathering info to set me up later.
      Luckily, I had saved some of those messages and proved her to be a liar.
      So, my answer to you is it can get very bad. BE PREPARED!! for anything!! And refuse any and all contact for any reason whatsoever. Document any and all contact and have someone go with you if you must see her.
      I know my narcissist wife is not done with me, but whatever happens, I am ready. Find a good lawyer who has had experience dealing with these women. I did and it paid off.
      It’s not over yet, but I know all her moves now. She tried to get me and take my daughter from me and she lost.
      Save anything and everything she sends you be it messages or voice or e-mails. This is your proof of her stalking, harassing, her volatility and instability. Use it against her when the time comes. And, it will come. That is what she will do to you. It will get worse before it gets better. You will learn quick and survive. Just when you think its over, your in jail or talking to the cops or both. It sucks but you must be vigilant all the time. Hang in there and stay low and out of sight. You are at war so watch your flanks!!

  4. DEBBY
    December 15, 2010 at 10:06 pm

    I can honestly say that I am glad I had a BPD father instead of a Mother. The woman Per Capita in BPD Land are far more deadly and evil when taking off the male serial killers with this underlying disorder. They rank higher on manipulation, control and jealousy and are more vicious. I believe it is because woman are allowed to feel jealous, envious instead of owing up to it all like a man has to in our society. My BPD grandmother always said she would die on Christmas. You guessed it, she did! Ironically, my BPD father was beaten by his BPD Mother mentioned above and her sisters before he got his Christmas gifts. My father made our Christmas good. I honestly can’t think of one complaint about him in the Christmas Department.

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