Home > Abusive relationships, Borderline Personality Disorder, humor, Narcissistic Personality Disorder > 10 Christmas and Holiday Gift Ideas for the Abusive Woman in your Life

10 Christmas and Holiday Gift Ideas for the Abusive Woman in your Life


There’s a new article on www.shrink4men.com. It offers a spoof on the usual Christmas and holiday gift guide. This gallows humor gift-giving guide offers suggestions on what to purchase for abusive wives, girlfriends and exes this holiday season.

Here’s the link:

Top 10 Christmas Gifts for your Abusive, High-Conflict Wife or Girlfriend

Kind Regards,

Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

  1. B Experienced
    December 23, 2010 at 9:39 pm

    If they love music,a copy of Cee Lo’s Green version of the song F you is great for their sense of entitlement if they are a material narcissist and love music. Instead of wrapping it up,I would like to suggest using a dish to “serve’ it to them since it is shallow like them.

    I actually knew a woman who had a physically and abusive N/psychopath husband. They were divorced and he was telling their, get this, their “8” year old son that his mother better give him a gift because he was born from “his” sperm. So she went to the railroad tracks and picked up a piece of coal and wrapped it up. When he came to pick up their son, she told him not to open it until their son came home. The curiosity got to him so he waited. She was certain he would wait. He called her when their son was back home,and he told her that her gift was insulting and insensitive; yet he beat the c— out of her and was so verbally abusive that she really met the legal and clinical definitions of a battered woman. She laughed so hard, she couldn’t talk and hung up the phone.

    I am all for realistic and fair treatment of both sexes. However,I have to say at this point in time that I don’t believe it is a biased belief either that the female abusers usually need two or several pieces of coal dished out on separate shallow plates for each of their delusions because their bullroar is accepted by a lot of our society still. The poor wittle woman hit a man, it didn’t hurt him look at his muscles. Toughen up boy your being a woosy. Woman deserve the best clothes, food and it is the man’s job to “provide” it for them.

    Even if you have very traditional roles in your marriage you have to hold up your end of the bargain with the jobs in that role. Normal women in those roles accept what the man can provide and work around a realistic budget. While the man works, they believe it is their job to find ways to minimize the cost of clothes and food to fit their budget, etc. They don’t get out the proverbial whip and start mushing him on like you would a team of Huskie Dogs providing transportation. Normal women who chose that role are bright enough to realize as well that they had better be able to work suddenly if their husbands can’t so that they can provide for “all” of them. Anything can happen. Only a delusional fool would believe otherwise. What if the man gets sick or dies? Pollyanna narcissism and the magical thinking of living by a wing and a prayer is the core pathology at work with those child/women.

    I love my 90 year old mother’s responses. (I am a woman too). She has Dementia and had lost the ability to suppress and monitor her responses so she was like the 90 year Pie Lady on Jay Leno.(youtube). She used to spout off to woman like that such things like- why don’t you get off your a– and get a job you spoiled brat. Who the H– do you think you are? It wasn’t a rhetorical question either. She got verbally scrappy. As time went on, she would give right hooks with the verbal message! She would say that marriage is a partnership. You aren’t that good looking either. Get a new mirror. Yours is old and it isn’t working right anymore. Her perceptions were still accurate! It was hysterical in private, but in public she was a one person social problem and a nightmare for me to deal with.

    One of my many all time hated expressions is that you can heal physical abuse but psychological abuse breaks the psychological skin. Only a narcissist could split it into black and white extremes and not properly integrate it with no emotion. I have got news for them, if you are hit you are also psychologically abused as well. One doesn’t go without the other in a normal person. Something is very seriously wrong somewhere if you have no thinking connected to some kind of adverse physical reaction that sets off warning bells to put your sneakers on and burn rubber. This goes for verbal abuse as well. If words don’t hurt you emotionally, you are still listening to it without the benefit of a remote control.

    Another bit of dark humor is that I knew a man who gave his wife the largest package of toilet paper he could find for Christmas. She tried to stab him many times. They were legally separated at the time. He knew she would come over for a gift so he had one ready. She took it home and opened it. She asked why he did it. He said so that you can remember that your full of s— and you have something to wipe yourself with because you aren’t going to get my money to buy any. I thought I would give you a practical parting gift as well. She was always after him to treat her like a well taken care of Queen. She even put herself above the lowly Princess status. He was quite wealthy and she only got about 7,000 out of the deal; which for him was pocket change because he was a very wealthy man and it was a small price to pay for getting rid of the Cluster B financially.

    Please DO NOT really do these things. It is passive aggressive behaviour. Any sharp and normal lawyer, judge, and cop is going to use it against you. If something happens, you can be charged with criminal and/or civil provocation depending on what happens after. They want you to become crazy and immoral like them. It is part of their goal and it is called leveling. Misery loves company.

    My sound advice,judgment and extensive experience with them is to just come up with silly ideas if this appeals to you and enjoy the joke yourself or with safe people in your life who know to keep it to themselves. It helps break up the tension and the humour helps heal. It can lift you out of a too dark of place. It is all about not really becoming like them, and your job is to set boundaries to make sure you don’t become a sadist yourself. A little bit of dark humor is okay. If you find anymore sadism appealing STOP. You must be careful given your inclinations when you are on the tip of the cliff not to fall into that trap and enter their reverse universe. Remember your abuser justified and rationalized their abuse to act out or in on it.

    It can become covert abuse as well even if you are not acting out a fantasy. You may be releasing it and “feel” satisfied through fantasy by feeding your own sadism. This degree is abnormal because you are feeding an obsession and it is no different than theirs. The acceptance, teachings and use of this covert sadism belongs in the school of pop psychology and it’s pseudoscience. Another covert act is getting your hated and anger out by doing something like playing football and diverting it so called “safely” so you don’t hurt anybody. You are covertly abusing another through transference or “misdirecting it” if you hate Freud like I do. If you feel a need to do that, you have got a sick need to have control and power over another as well, can’t and or won’t let it go and need to feel satisfied by hurting them vicariously. It is very sick covert behaviour.

    You do not have to get anger out. The reality is that anger very seldom works and is once again pop psychology. People think they are really doing something by getting angry when it is equivalant to worrying to show you really care most of the time.It is usually a maladaptive coping response. People are even told to get angry by their therapist. There are other ways to gain and use personal power. Learn to let it go and you will disconnect from the person and release the bond you have in anger and hate with them. Consider the cost to your health and study the current empirical findings in conjunction with it.

    Please remember that getting mad is way different than anger. Anger is much much stronger and the root of rage. Not a good predisposition or time to add on a pathology not that there ever is especially when you are in or leaving a Cluster B relationship. Mad is much milder and usually sufficient away from them. You are validating something of theirs if you get mad in front of them. Give them NOTHING. They may take your mad feelings that you really care and still love them or have an unresolved rejection trauma opened. They may react from that aware or unaware of it. Worse yet, it may be disassociated feelings; which appears even more scary to the person on the receiving end of this insanity. The dissociation may lead to a psychotic break or very irrational acts. Their impulse control with anger and pain is not usually sufficient to prevent acting out. They are literally out of touch with reality on many levels. Your goal is to send the message you are not going to “feed” them in any way. Getting mad is far less toxic to your mind, body and relationships. Even then, it should be used once in a while. It can get nutty too.

    The best vengeance is living well and seeking “justice” when you can through the legal system. Maturity only increases self respect and it is your best ally with the law, all your relationships and it makes the Cluster B stand out for what they really are-crazy and immoral people. There will never be a time in your life when learning to or taking the High Road (moral and mature route) is more important than when you are in or leaving any kind of Cluster B relationship.

    I was friends at one time with a lawyer who went to Harvard and their Law School as well. His family had their own Criminal Law firm. We discussed the concept of self defense and when you wouldn’t be charged when killing someone according to the law. His response and advice were truly chilling. It was,also,very true and competent legal advice that can be used throughout all criminal and civil legal matters most of the time. He said if you believe that you are certain you will get away with anything or win that is your first mistake. All legal matters are crap shoots. He asked me to name 12 people who I believed were “perfect” witnesses that saw me kill someone in self defense to use as an imagined scenario. So I did. He said how many wear glasses? I said three. When is the last time their prescriptions were renewed? I said I didn’t know. He said you don’t know them that well then. Did they see a therapist for any kind of problem in the past? I said yes. I had two left. He then asked if one of them stole a Gummie bear in Kindergarten? I said the one stole a candy bar when he was eight. He said, It would do. I had one “perfect” witness left or so I thought. He never asked anything about that one and said that you better start preparing for the worst and hoping for the best and left me hanging with my perfect witness. I thought it was cruelly intended and told him it was narcissistic of him to do so. He laughed and told me to think about it. I did. I went back to him and told him that his intention was to teach me to leave uncertainty open in very serious legal matters. It was brilliantly delivered. I asked him what he would do in a situation when his life was on the line. He said aim to maim them not to kill them. He said it is wise because it is the intention that is under scrutiny. My wisdom tells me to leave that argument a moot point and listen to the Harvard Criminal Lawyer with 25 years of experience.

    I gave that story as an analogy to winning and dealing with the Cluster B’s. You have to be as perfect as you can be morally, legally and as humanly possible in the context of perfection. EVEN if you do not feel it inside. You must seek wisdom and be practical and do not put yourself in any serious or benign criminal or civil position alone with them or with a lot of people thinking they will be your witnesses. It is the anger,fear and pain that you feel that must be dealt with just about as perfectly as my lawyer friend put it to safely take you to the other side of safety and health. Pick all your witnesses and allies very carefully. Any lawyer can and will use your maladaptive responses as a Cluster B behaviour or trait. When anything illegal presents,involve the law ASAP so you so prudent and sound judgment. Don’t leave anything to chance.

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