Home > Abusive relationships, Borderline Personality Disorder, divorce, Marriage, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Psychology, relationships > Hostile Dependency: Is Your Wife, Girlfriend or Ex a Child in a Woman’s Body?

Hostile Dependency: Is Your Wife, Girlfriend or Ex a Child in a Woman’s Body?


There’s new article on www.Shrink4Men.com that discusses hostile dependency and how it manifests in relationships with abusive, high-conflict and/or abusive personality disordered women. It examines the missed childhood developmental milestones that cause the problem and the natural anger and resentment of men who are in relationships with these women.

Here’s the link:

Hostile Dependency: Is your Wife, Girlfriend or Ex a Child Masquerading in the Body of a Woman?

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

  1. John
    July 29, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    thank you for that beautiful response…I too feel like the fellow walking out in a field…feeling ok and good and safe…and suddenly there is someone firing from the woods…it can come from any direction over anything…I have been reading things on this site for abit…worried…knowing but not able to move…feeling horrible about that which just makes me more the little lamb via her moods…and it is not my first time either, I spent 6 years with a BPD many years ago…and still remember how I finally felt to get out of it and move on…it was my call and I did it…but now?and here I am again…and at the risk of sounding really pathetic, here I am again and this time with a 280 pound angry beast…hating herself, taking it out on me…caring for her…yet, I am the canvas she paints her chaotic depression on…

  2. john
    July 29, 2011 at 11:42 am

    I myself am in a bad situation via one of these types…she is my live in GF. A few days ago, I left my cell phone at work accidentally…and when I got home sent her an email saying “hi hon, hope your day is going well. Forgot cell phone at work so can’t text. But house phone is on so if you want to call or need to, go right ahead. Miss and love you…” I get a scathing email back saying she wants me to go back to work and pick up the phone. I ask why…we have a phone here in the house and she went ballistic. She told me that it clearly meant that I not only did not love her, but didn’t care whether I heard from her on not. I explained to her that this was not what I meant by forgetting my phone at all. Anyhow, all day long she continued to send nasty emails, each one upping the rage. The last told me that I was just a guy she moved in with who never loved her, is incapable of love, am a pathetic person ect ect…and said she wanted it over. She didn’t come home and has been sleeping in her car the last few days.
    This isnt of course the first time, she has taken off after rages many times…staying in battered women’s shelters, hotels…( I have never hit her btw). A few years ago she also tried to commit suicide. A year later while angry told me the suicide attempt was my fault…that it was because she just couldn’t stand me. Of course after all these outbursts later there is a quick apology and she says she didn’t mean it and of course loves me very much.

    I am really at the end of my rope with her. I love her…but am always waiting for it to go badly…as if I live in a dark room and she is swingng a bat. I never know when something will come up out of the blue that is beyond my control or actions and turn into something huge. When in a rage, she is like a little girl with a lighter, a small spark soon has the entire house engulfed in flames.
    Funny, I think back to last weekend and we are having fun putting in a garden together…and two days later over a left cell phone total chaos.
    Any advice of thoughts from the fine folks out here would be appreciated.

    • Zibot
      July 29, 2011 at 6:41 pm

      Hey John, sounds familiar. Prognosis: Rinse and Repeat!

      Beware of ‘creep’ … I slowly got used to sudden explosions over nothing, living like any second there could be another rage episode … exactly why we call it ‘walking on eggshells’.

      Our nervous system slowly creeps into a condition no one should live in – it’s unhealthy and produces sickness, mental and physical: constant vigil.

      It’s just one aspect of a deteriorating situation that leads to personal destruction. We try to ‘normalize’ completely abnormal behavior and end up destroying our normality (read: health) in the process.

      My last BPDgf reminded me of a piece of glass, with a beautiful painting on it, but with a very big crack running through it. Regardless of how I was with her, everything and anything (predictable and unpredictable) caused that crack to come out, and suddenly, even the loving beautiful picture became a razor sharp shard of broken glass cutting me emotionally, and mentally across the cloth of my well being. From this, I always needed to heel.

      The payoff for this is a good feeling, a good event – when they happen. Hearing someone say I love you, I need you, I want to be with you.

      Rinse, and repeat!

      The obvious objective opinion is to say … only you can balance out the good times with the cost it’s having on your life (well being, balance, happiness, self-esteem, self-confidence, positive feeling towards life, optimism, etc … ). These qualities in me were slowly obliterated.

      The problem is that with enough abuse, with enough sliding into crazy behavior and normalizing it (‘there she goes again’) … “crazy-creep” … you become less and less able to objectively evaluate your situation and the cost it’s having on you. Eventually you seek refuge in apathy.

      Real BPD/NPD are mental illnesses … we’re not talking about people having a bad day, or in a bad mood. Loving someone with a mental illness is not kids-play. My BPD moved from child-like play which can be very alluring, to the most vile betraying behavior. There’s nothing cute about it. And it takes a very big toll on a guy’s well being swinging from one extreme to the other. This is her illness twisting up your healthy inside to try to swing along with her.

      There are other relationship options besides – good times – lacerating cut – heal – good times – lacerating cut – heal … There’s lots more info on this site to help you stand back and take a clearer look at the situation.

      Good luck, watch out for crazy-creep … someone here talked about their girlfriend jumping on the windshield of their car in a rage while they were inside, another about being hit with a hammer and having his eye scratched with a cloth hanger … you really don’t want to keep re-normalizing crazy and crazier behavior until you end up at this point.

      Better to reset the counter back to zero where normal, healthy people live … and then take a sober look at the person you’re trying to have a healthy, normal, and sane relationship with.

      Life is challenging enough without choosing to add melodrama and chaos into your heart, head and bed by becoming involved with the kind of women talked about on this site.

      But saying goodbye to what we perceive as the good part (unstable, evaporating thing that I found it to be over time) is definitely a challenge as well.

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