What Is Shrink4Men?


There’s a new article on www.Shrink4Men.com that discusses why Dr Tara J. Palmatier began Shrink4Men, why it exists, who it’s for and how it’s evolving.

Here’s the link:

The Truth about Shrink4Men

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

  1. Matt
    September 26, 2011 at 3:27 pm

    Dr.Tara,

    Thanks again for your thoughtful feedback. I really do hope you write a book that takes the lessons from this blog into the text. I think my problem of idealization of my ex and her life now is slowly fading, thanks to your writings. It was naive for me to believe a woman could magically change values, persona, character traits/deficiencies when they are involved with the next man. Her claims that all our arguments were based on the fact that we were different religious backgrounds was a farce, and not the real issue at all. Plenty of folks make interfaith marriage work nowadays. Further reading has also lead me to connect the dots on some other details than support your hypotheses. These are;

    1. Projection- Calling me “bipolar” when I initiated a period of no contact and accusing me of “not caring”, making odd topics of conversation/accusations/jokes, to include wondering if I thought guys were attractive/would consider “doing something with them”/ ever thought she was gay. Not only at the time was this disturbing to my confidence in us/myself, I thought she had issues that she wasn’t comfortable with. Maybe because I was passive to her and kind she thought I was not “manly” enough so that is what started these odd discussions. Needless to say though, the conversation was no uplifting to the “relationship” or to me.

    2.Ultimatums- “She said if I didn’t invite her to my family’s Easter celebration she was going to end the relationship. I had to pry this piece of information out of her one day after I bought her lunch. She said she “didn’t want to tell me what I was going to do, but you made me, so there it is. After this exchange, she invited me to Passover just so I would capitulate and make me force my family’s hand at inviting her to Easter. She was invited to Good Friday, but refused, and then the night before Easter she said she wasn’t coming, and instead was at a party. Showed her priorities right there.

    3. Men in waiting- There was also an instance of her wanting me to drive to Baltimore from D.C. for the second night in a row to see her. I asked her to come down to see me instead, to make it equal. She refused, and decided to go out with another guy that night.

    The infatuation stage with her only lasted so long, but I did truly do everything I could to make her happy. I am realizing that her entitled, “Princess” attitude will ultimately be her demise, and the girl that had so much potential, will instead take the road often traveled.
    I think if you expounded on your “Will she be different with the next guy” theme it may be a good article for some readers. Thanks again for your support and knowledge. Also, is there an address where we can send cards/thank you notes?

  2. Matt C
    September 15, 2011 at 1:28 am

    Thanks again Dr.T,

    Great show the other night, I really do think you have a success on your hands with that one. Who knows, you could be the next Dr.Drew. First blog radio, then your own HLN television show!!

    I do have a question though. When you make the point of me “not to be fooled, by her appearance of moving on” what makes you confident that this is the correct assessment of her behavior? Maybe I am breaking a cardinal rule of understanding NPDs by trying to apply logic to any of their behaviors here. Do you really think its simply another power play? Your insights are always appreciated. Thanks again and have a good one!

    -Matt

    • shrink4men
      September 15, 2011 at 1:44 am

      Hi Matt,

      Thanks for the kind feedback. I’ve listened to the program twice now and I see lots of room for improvement, but it’ll get there.

      What I meant is that things may not be as peachy keen in her new relationship and that new guy is probably getting the same shoddy treatment that you did.

      Best,
      Dr T

  3. Matt
    September 10, 2011 at 5:47 pm

    Dr.T,

    The other day I almost succumbed to calling my ex from my parents house. It is soo tempting some times to break and initiate contact. I guess it was more curiosity than anything else, remembering her as an ideal as opposed to who she was in reality. She has a new bf whom she has been posting tons of pics of on fb, changing her profile pic, all of this in order to get under my skin and invoke some kind of rage response on my part. I’ve had lots of questions of how could she move on so quick, you know the kind… It makes me feel like the Dad in “Taken” , when you just want to start kicking ass but you know you can’t. I guess I need to remember your words of how she, and girls like her view relationships, as consumables that are only for entertainment for a short while. While I am left accepting that the girl I was dating was never all that I imagined..Not saying that I was perfect in the relationship, but at least I was loving and honest.

    All the best,

    Matt

    • shrink4men
      September 10, 2011 at 5:57 pm

      Hi Matt,

      It’s only natural to have moments of nostalgia when you remember “the good times.” That’s when it’s important to reality test and remember the bad times, too.

      As for her appearance of moving on, don’t be fooled. She’s just showing off her latest victim — like a cat with a half-dead mouse in its mouse. Also, a little advice: Quit looking at her FB page! Block her, block her, block her. And no matter how tempted you are to view her page, try to resist. You’re only rubbing salt into your own wounds. Okay?

      Hang in there, Matt. Keep taking care of yourself. Figure out what attracted you to this woman and work those issues out and then focus on the kind of relationship you want and don’t settle for anything less.

      Kind Regards, Dr T

  4. Matt
    August 20, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    Yeah my guess is that she does have some kind of narcissist personality disorder. Thanks for the feedback

  5. Matt
    August 16, 2011 at 11:04 pm

    Dr.T,

    Thanks again for your time reading this post. Your writing is fantastic, and I would recommend anything you publish to any one of my friends who are still dating. It was easy to ignore the evidence in this relationship for some reason. Her new bf she is with mainly because he is a lawyer for the Feds, and so she likely wants to use that connection to get a job. I still wonder if she’ll be any different with the next guy…

    Yeah, well, I hope my little rant brought you some laughs! I feel it reads like a movie script it is soo out there. Thanks from the bottom of my heart.

    -Matt

    • Alreadylost
      August 17, 2011 at 4:59 pm

      still wonder if she’ll be any different with the next guy…

      Nope. She will find some poor soul who thinks her BS is ok because she’s a woman and well “women are just that way”

  6. MC
    August 16, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    First, let me thank you from the bottom of my heart for you starting your website and all of your fantastic postings. They’re a great resource for me going through a difficult time in my young adult life right now.

    I am writing you to discuss my ex girlfriend and to get your opinion on her mental state. We first started dating in February 2010, and it was definitely one of those instantaneous chemistry, love at first sight beginnings. She was Jewish and I am Catholic, but I as much as I didn’t want to think about this being a problem, it was a
    hotspot in our relationship from the early stages.

    We were dating for two months and then drama began. She and I were intimate one night and she noticed that I had some skin issues. I told her it was something that I had gotten before, and that it wasn’t an STD but she still believed I had something. It was my fault for not bringing it up.

    I went to the doctor to get tested and sure enough, it came back negative. In fact, she didn’t accept this answer the first time so I went a second time to another doctor and again, test results were negative, I had a clean bill of health. She still would not believe I didn’t have an STD, and infact showed an extended family member who was a doctor pictures of me, and since he said it looks like herpes, and there was no way to tell for sure that its not herpes (which is a lie) then it could still be an STD.

    Thus began the cycle of never being satisfied with my word, and always having to win an agruement. She also held on to a resentment that I had told her if we did have children, the kids could be jewish. I only told her this (in month 4 of our relationship) because she said she would only continue to date me if the kids could be jewish. This, coming from a girl who only went to temple maybe three times a year.

    She was forcing my hand, and so I said “Yes, they can” when in my heart I was not fully supportive of this sudden life decision being thrust upon me. I later told her, approximately a month later, that I couldn’t do as she wished. She resented me for this, big time, and continued to do so for the rest of the relationship.

    I was also noticing that she never really offered to pay for anything when we went out, and later on in our courtship she confessed to “using” me for dinners, etc. About a month after this we were in bed together about to go to bed and after surfing the net for a bit instead of going right to her she became furious and told me not to touch her, and yelled at me to get on the other side of the bed, or leave.

    This was the first time I saw her blow up at me, to which she said “MC, you have’nt really even seen me angry yet.” We broke up and the end of the summer officially, but we still saw each other frequently during the fall.

    When I didn’t show up when she found out about the bar the first time (she failed) she blamed me for the failure and her feelings, even though we were not bf/gf at the time. She through her sister, threatened to tell my work that I had discussed my classified job with her, which was not true.

    During Christmas time I decided I was still missing her and wanted to get back together. She and I met up a few times but I was unaware that she was dating another guy at the time. When I asked her to come away with me for New Year’s to a cabin with my friends she declined and said she was staying at home for a house party she was throwing.

    Little did I know she was also meeting up with some other guy and they made out during the night, and thats it according to her. She later gave me a guilt trip about not calling on New Year’s Eve, even when she was with another dude that very night (of course I didn’t know it at the time, it was a confession she gave me months later.

    After dating in January for 2 weeks I began to grow tired of her behavior. She yelled at me for not calling her back right away one day after work. I told her she called while I was on the highway and I could not get the phone at that instant. When I did get in the door an hour later I kicked back like most guys, and watched some SportCenter.

    All of the sudden, its eight o’clock and I remember I needed to call her back. She yelled and bitched me out for watching a movie, and claimed that she was “not a priority” to me. She was also mad because when I did call, I called right when she began to study for the bar, and now I was ruining her study routine.

    I was ticked about this attitude and made a mental note that I could not have any more of
    this. The next night she came over, we hung out for a bit, and then she went to go see some family. She told me to give her a call at the end of the night when I came home from going out with some friends.

    She called three times while I was out and would not stop texting me. I ended up forgetting to text her at the end of the night and she gave me hell for it the next day. She apologized and explained to me that she “didn’t want to lose me” and that studying for the bar was making her crazy. I recall her saying something about her hormones being crazy because it was her period too. Lots of excuses…Needless to say I broke it off with her over the phone the next day.

    She told me she didn’t love me, told me that I didn’t know how to have a real girlfriend, etc. A month went by and things were quieter. Then I came back to her. I called her up and told I missed her, and that I still loved her.

    Her response and tone was one of hate and sharpness. She claimed that she couldn’t believe I broke up with her during her studying for the bar, especially after I promised not to (dumb move on my part). She said that she was fine without me, and was going to go on some dates for a while, and that she did’nt want to hear from me for a month.

    I was insulted and verbally abused a ton during this conversation with her. It was almost like I commited this horrible injustice by breaking up with her. A month flew by and she texted me with “I’m sorry but I don’t think we will work out”. I didn’t want to take that for an answer so I gave her a call.

    I traveled up to her place and we talked about our relationship. We even got intimate,
    which was the one consistently good part of our relationship. She told me she had been with another guy, and had done everything but sex.

    This was tough to handle, but as she was technically single, I forgave it and tried to forget at the time. Our birthdays were in early April and we both exchanged gifts. I recieved two polos from her and she got a card, flowers, a itunes card, and later on in the week, I was going to find her some good makeup she liked. She didn’t like the card, it was one of those cartoon ones, and she let me know it that night.

    She also thought that my gift was too small, and she was expecting jewerly for her birthday. Her arguement was that we had been going out for a year, so it was time for bigger gifts. I let her know that we had just gotten back together only two weeks earlier, and needed time to heal.

    After recieving all of this flack though, I did the wrong thing. I bought her a spa facial for 75 bucks, to “repair” the damage I caused. She was happy when I gave this to her and I thought we were going to be better. She also brought up that since we didn’t celebrate her birthday on her exact birthday, she felt like she didnt feel like she had a birthday day at all.

    We went out with friends the Friday before to a nice Hibachi resturant, and I paid for the two of us. She later would complain that I didn’t make my friends sign happy birthday to her at that dinner, because thats what is supposed to happen. A few weeks later I was calling her but could not get through. She did not return my calls for two days. I found her on chat that Friday and asked her where had she been? She said she was out at a festival and a softball game on the nights I called. I asked her if there was another guy she was seening, and she assured me that there was no one else.

    On Friday, we were supposed to meet at her place because she was finding out the results of the bar. I came and met her and her mother there. She was distant, and when I pressed she told me she had been dating another guy behind my back. This is after I wanted to be her bf, but she wanted to be non-exclusive. She told me that he was a lawyer, and that her mother encouraged her to go out with this new guy to see if it could get her a job (she was an intern at the time).

    This floored me, now her mother didn’t even care about me, it was all about getting a job, getting status. After a few days I told her I could no longer see her if she was seening this other dude, because it was killing me.

    This was early May, like May 11th. You would think a plea like this, when I was crying in front of her, would count for something. It didn’t. She just stopped calling, and that was all the answer I needed. A week later I get a text saying “I’m at our first date resturant, thinking of us”, followed a few days later with “Miss you”.

    On Memorial Day I finally take her phone call and she begs for forgiveness. I ask her what she has done since she stopped seening me and she tells me that she did everything but sex with this one guy, the lawyer who she thought could get her a job. I didn’t want to ever see her again but I kept on remembering the good time in our relationship.

    Although she loved to argue about a variety of topics from how religious I was (even though we never went to church) to how my family was controlling me (I was close to my mom and she didn’t like that, or the fact that my mom didn’t care for her bs). I met up with her a few times simply for the physical, thinking I could separate the two. I couldn’t.

    After three dates, or meetings, I took the advice of family members and went no contact. She called incenstantly, texted me frequently, and asked if I was in a car crash or something. I told her I needed time to clear my head about how I felt now about her, and about us. She didn’t reply to this.

    After a week, I gave her a call. I was a sick puppy at this point, just lost. I told her I still loved her, but I was so hurt I didn’t know what to do anymore, what my next move should be. She was cold the first time we talked. She said she had already been on a few dates with a “Jewish Lawyer” that reminded her of me. She said “well, he doesn’t compare to you though” and “I’m not even sure I like him”.

    I couldn’t believe it (although I probably should have), she had moved in for another guy in less than two weeks of not talking. She later in a text conversation changed moods frequently, asking me one minute “Y do you hate me?” to telling me off after I said I wouldn’t talk to her that night.

    Her extact words were “Don’t get mad because I moved on so quickly to somebody bigger and better. Maybe you’ll find another girl who loves you, it only took you 26 years the first time.” Now less than three weeks after that text, she changes her status on facebook, and puts a new pic up with her new bf and her in it, just to rub it in my face.

    What should I make of this? Is she playing him too??

    That was the most appaling thing anyone has ever said to me. She was one of the most verbally/emotionally abusive women I have ever come in contact with. Her looks are good, but inside she is a completely different person that what she projects to some people. It was always win-lose with her, and I feared one day getting divorced from her. She used to joke frequently about divorce, which to me it told me she saw it as a natural step in a relationship.

    I have gotten all the advice I can from family, but they just tell me to move on. I try to remember the good times, wonder if she loved me, but, man, I just didn’t know women could be like this. I don’t think I did anything wrong did I? Please, proceed with the dispensing of wisdom!

    • shrink4men
      August 16, 2011 at 6:35 pm

      Hi MC,

      I just went through your narrative and boldfaced different passages. Please re-read the sections in bold as if this was someone else’s story. I agree with your family. You seem to have very different values. I don’t know what her mental state is, but it’s fairly evident she didn’t treat you very well and that her number one priority is herself. Furthermore, she’s with her new bf because he got her a job. What she said about divorce is also alarming. Just my opinion, but you seem to be well rid of this woman. Please focus on yourself and getting over her. Also try to figure out what attracted you to her so you can avoid someone like this in your next relationship.

      Kind Regards,
      Dr T

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