Home > Abusive relationships, Marriage, relationships, Social Commentary > Brass Balls Award: Husband Sets Boundaries with Slacker Wife and Tells Her to Grow Up and Get a Job

Brass Balls Award: Husband Sets Boundaries with Slacker Wife and Tells Her to Grow Up and Get a Job

There’s a new article on www.Shrink4Men.com that tells the story of how a Shrink4Men forum stood up to his unemployed, financially irresponsible wife, set a boundary and told her she would no longer have free access to his hard-earned money beyond basic expenses and is expected to get a job to pay for her car, insurance, cell phone, etc., or go without.

Here’s the link:

Brass Balls Award: Husband Sets Boundaries with Slacker Wife and Tells Her to Grow Up and Get a Job

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

  1. WhippingBoy
    October 23, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    Update. After locking down the finances back in January so my wife and daughter could no longer spend every hard-earned dollar I made, my daughter got a job, and then in April after catching my wife trolling Facebook yet again for a replacement man and an exit plan, I finally after 13 years of pure hell went and filed for divorce. The divorce was final in August, and I am now a “free” man. I am lucky to have found someone since then who went through a similar experience with her narcissistic husband and I cannot tell you what a blessed experience it is to have someone in my life who can appreciate, relate, AND reciprocate. It is unbelievable how absolutely wonderful “normal” can be when you’ve been robbed of it “narcissism” for more than a decade. My prayers to all you other men (and women) out there who are still living the hell in your marriage to a narcissistic spouse. I know how terrible that life is. May God give you hope and peace whatever your situation is right now.

    “WhippingBoy” no longer!

    • shrink4men
      October 23, 2013 at 4:47 pm

      Congratulations! I am very happy for you!

      • WhippingBoy
        October 23, 2013 at 6:07 pm

        Thank you, Dr. Tara. I beat my heart on a brick wall for years, refusing to consider divorce as an option, wondering what I was doing wrong, and how I could fix my jacked up marriage. I discovered your site last year while doing some searches to try to understand the constant battles and my wife’s seemingly impossible behavior and by God’s good grace stumbled upon your site. Not only was it helpful and encouraging (strange as that may sound) to know that there were many others out there struggling with the same sort of negativity, but the information I found on this site (both in your articles and in the comments) led me down a path of knowledge and discovery that was truly empowering. Once I began to grasp what real Narcissism was (and how it plays out in someone with NPD), it was like all of the pieces began to fit together and I could really see a clear picture of what had just been frustrating fragments that made no sense.

        I would also recommend to other folks here the following books if you suspect your spouse (or someone else in your life) may have this horrible behavioral condition:

        “Who’s Pulling Your Strings?” by Harriet Braiker
        “Why Is It Always About You?” by Sandy Hotchkiss
        “Loving the Self Absorbed” by Nina Brown
        “Enough About You, Let’s Talk About Me” by Les Carter

        There are many others out there that I did not read that may be equally or even more helpful, but I HIGHLY recommend you invest the $20 to $30 to get two or three of them and use the information arm in them to arm and protect yourself in battle. Being in a relationship with a Narcissist can take a severe toll on you physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And do not forget that there are professionals like Dr. Tara right here on this very site, who can help by counseling you to either walk through the minefield or heal from the damage done. Equip yourself and get the counseling or healing you need. There is more to life than the Narcissistic hell you’ve been living in.

        God bless.

  2. Michael
    December 10, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    My wife was so loving towards me before motherhood. 13 years of steadily worsening hateful behavior and now I share my life with 2 amazingly wonderful sons and an incredibly mean bitch wife who unleashes on them too. So much pain from her. So much

    • WhippingBoy
      January 30, 2013 at 8:45 pm

      Wow, same here Michael. My story almost to a T, except I adopted my wife’s daughter when we got married. My wife has done everything in her power to sabotage my relationship with her, while at the same time pretty much ignoring the two wonderful sons we have had together. She spends all her days in bed unless she has something fun to go do. It is totally justified now, too, since she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia last year. Funny thing is she never has flare-ups when she has something planned (like shopping, meeting a friend for lunch, or plans with our daughter). Other than that, she doesn’t do jack crap except spend my hard earned money. She doesn’t clean, she doesn’t cook, she doesn’t buy groceries, she doesn’t take care of the kids. But you would think she had a Ph.D. in reverse psychology as she can criticize me to no end… all the while telling me how all I do is criticize her. All I have to do is ask her if she can get out of bed and spend a little time working on the house and I just insulted her to the core of her being. Jacked up.

      • Ryan
        February 25, 2013 at 9:24 pm

        WhippingBoy, I can very much relate. Until my wife took our three boys with her back to her parents about 2 weeks ago, she would be online in a virtual universe for about 75-80% of the day (and still online for a good chunk of the rest of the time, or in bed, which she called her prison because that’s all I’ve given her for years). Because the community that I am still in is completely isolated (fly-in only for the majority of the year, and near the arctic circle), she would hardly even go outside, even for a few minutes to take pictures with pretty decent camera that we bought for her a couple of years ago of the absolutely fantastic scenery. On a couple of occasions, I took the camera and got shots of the sunset and the mountains etc., and she would post them online (partly to provide proof for her family that she was “getting out of the house”) and take credit for them; that part I don’t even care about. Prior to her leaving though, I was cooking 90% of the meals and about the only time she did any housework was Saturdays when I was supposed to initiate working on cleaning together – and I still did easily more than half of it. She spent almost no time with our boys, most days giving them no more than about 2 minutes of attention to tuck them in after I’d gotten them ready for bed, read them a book etc. The youngest 2 who are 2 and 3 have taken to doing things that typical toddlers do, but possibly a bit more often because they were hardly given the time of day. They would find a marker and draw on the wall, or go into the fridge and take the eggs out and smash them on the floor. The one time, I didn’t even say anything more than “it is frustrating to discover a whole carton of eggs smashed on carpeted floor,” and her response was to the effect that I was blaming her, which I wasn’t, though to not even notice when it is happening 15 feet behind you is a bit telling. She added that that kind of thing wouldn’t happen if I had gotten the satellite hooked up like I said I would do, even though I had tried on numerous occasions to get it set up (professional installation isn’t an option this far out), spending 2 hours for a week straight after work in -30C in the dark trying to get it tuned in and trying to get help from people in town, without any luck. The kids had plenty of movies to watch too, and the format of what they would be watching wouldn’t matter, they’d eventually want something else to do anyway. She’s said that she knows she wasn’t giving them what they deserved, but still not do anything about it, and blame me for the situation we’re in and the financial struggles we’ve had right from the beginning, including being pretty much forced into bankruptcy a few years ago. For years she has said she has wanted a divorce, and told me to come up with a plan, but has begged me not to leave her, and now that she has left and says she is going to have to go on welfare, I am the horrible negligent husband and father who has left her with no choice and not even helped her get a job/get educated/find a place of her own, even though she does have an B.A., which in and of itself may not mean much, but it isn’t nothing. Even though I have never pushed the discussion of her working, but only talked about what she could do if she chose to, she feels I have never appreciated that she has wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, yet she has also sacrificed everything for me to “pop out my babies.” She is also now complaining that I cannot come up with a plan/commit to buying a house for us/her that is not even 1/2 mile from her parents even though the house that we owned a few years back was even closer than that, and “that was a mistake” because she has the “family from hell,” even though they are somehow more of a family than mine has ever been, and she hates my family even more than her own. We’ve talked about the possibility of getting this place which is dirt cheap as it is an older place, but I don’t even have enough for a down-payment for a place like that, and said that I would consider it, but I can’t say for sure what will happen – if it will even be available when I did have the money. Now that she is living in her parents house (they stay there only on weekends), I just hope that somebody else starts to see the way she neglects the kids/how impatient she is with them, and how unable she is to be independent and provide for herself, the way that her parents are now expecting/demanding her to be. Thoughts and prayers are with everyone who is in this hellish type of relationship/situation.

  3. rick
    December 8, 2012 at 9:00 pm

    Oh yeah man, I know what your talking about, I think being in a relationship is probably the most scary thing there is being the fact I was screwed over by some broad I met while in the marines typical sob story ended up having a baby with her. I don’t get to see my daughter, and of course just get asked where’s the moneys at like I’m a bank. Then I get out the marines find this other broad, she has a son that lives with us she has custody. My daughter lives far away. What do I do but do my best for this kid who just spits in my face. He I think has odd, add or something, can’t find anything he’s proud of, and of course girl 2 who I’m with blames all her sons behavioral problems on me. So we go back and forth as she puts me down for being a mama’s boy because god forbid I go to my mom’s house which is close by to avoid arguments and perhaps more of the police being called. My Mom and her hate each other. So she told me we broke up like 13 times or something, anybody be thinking yeah sure he’ll leave her, but add in bills, apartment leases, and a psycho woman who comes home and berrates me and belittles me all day on why I can’t find a job transitioning out the marines. but the kicker is now she’s pregnant, whoop dee doo

    • shrink4men
      December 9, 2012 at 9:58 pm

      Get a paternity test.

  4. December 4, 2012 at 1:01 am

    You know….when it comes to women, I think i have a curse on me. I was never a very good looking man so i didnt have women knocking down my door, combined with being terminally shy, add a dash of being a Hippie, ive never even been able to ask a woman out on a date. SO…the women ive been with have chosen me….and every one of them were insane in disguise. They were all nice till they had me sucked in. I was always a good money maker so all they saw in me was a good provider. thus my downfall. I built the kingdon, they never worked, I bought expensive wedding rings and household goods, then when the kingdom was built, they chewed me up….spit me out and took everything MY MONEY had bought. thus at age 59….i have nothing except what ive bought since being single. I was raised in a family of just women, no men around to teach me how to be a man, which i thank God for. I detest football and macho sports. I love antiques and my personality is rather mellow. I fail to understand why only Psyho Women are attracted to me. I observe Normal women everywhere, but yet i cannot have one in my life. every woman ive been with were absolutely NUTZO….and they all try to convince me I am the one thats crazy. ask my three sisters and neice….im NORMAL….why are only crazy women attracted to me….because i look like a Hippie, cant be. I have many Hippie looking men friends that have normal relationships. I can only believe i am paying for something i did in my last life because this life…Ive been a very nice guy, again, ask my sisters. SO…i have vowed to stay alone the rest of my life. I have to assume from my track record that if a woman is attracted to me….she is insane…Life is peaceful when i am single, My life is total Chaos when i am in a relationship…can anyone explain this please? i need answers

    • Matt
      April 16, 2013 at 11:34 am

      I can relate. Short answer to why these women are attrcted to you is you are a train wreck magnet. These women see you as vulrable and they know they can control you. You have to stay away from these women. There are good decent women out there. Concentate on makeing friendships, meeting nice people (not just women) who are willing to get to know who you are. Keep a 90 day rule. No relationships within the first 90 days of meeting them. Toxic women don’t have long term patience. (If they had patience they probrobly wouldnt be toxic) Or set personal space rule for yourself. Be sure and recognize the signs when a woman starts moving in on you space to soon. Then just say, Sorry this is to fast for me. If she is toxic she will blow up and you know you can walkaway saving yourself a lifetime of pain. If she accepts and understands then hey, your on your way but still stick to your boundries until you know she is the one. don’t think this is the one, don’t say I think this can work out. You want to know it can work out. Don’t let lust lead your decisions about women. You need to seriousely THINK about who you are committing to. If you have been dating someone for a month and she starts dropping hints about the future. Run. They say to follow your heart. But really they should say follow your heart after is comsults your brain. Sorry I know I said this was the short answer. But I’ve been sucked in to many times. Then I figued it out, then I broke my own rules. Don’t break your own rules.

      • Matt
        April 16, 2013 at 11:42 am

        I would like to add that this is a time table I’ve come up with in my experience. This is my opinion. I just want to hopefully help. Stay stong and don’t fall for lust.

  5. August 7, 2012 at 12:39 am

    Good for him

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