Comments from the Edge: Understanding Crazy Talk


The ScreamThis article goes through an email by a self-identified borderline personality disordered woman line by line in order to break down the blame shifting, distortions, emotional reasoning, lack of empathy and refusal to hold oneself accountable that is typical of many individuals with this characterological disorder.

To read the article, please follow this link:

Comments from the Edge: What your NPD/BPD Wife or Girlfriend Says vs. What She Means

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

  1. just friends
    September 15, 2013 at 11:49 pm

    Wow. I just found this article, which to me reads like “It’s okay if I abuse you because I’m BPD.” Is this what most psychologists think?
    http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201108/its-nothing-personal-woman-bpd-explains-her-actions-in-romantic-r

  2. Jeff
    May 3, 2013 at 5:04 pm

    I’m currently ending a relationship with a woman that exhibit’s some of these traits. Her mother is a narcissist and I’ve wondered about her due to her behavior. I’ve been beat down mentally for over a year now. Life would be fine on the weekend we spent together but after she returned home I wouldn’t hear from her for days. Then after multiple texts I’d hear about how I didn’t have my act together in reference to work on my house. Even when I was working on my house it was never good enough or fast enough. She was wanting to move in and things weren’t up to her standards. Was stressing her out thinking about it. If I didn’t take her advice she’d get pissed. Pissed about not following her advice on the route my daughter should take in going to college. Seems to have double standards but deny’s it. Final straw was with Facebook…inappropriate bantering with nephews friends with sexual inuendo’s and not…if I had done so there’d be he’ll to pay. Now I’m on the hook for an engagement ring I purchased months ago against my better judgement but she said it was to show the world that I was committed. It was basically my way or the highway…sucks because I treated her like a queen and truly love her but can’t live like this anymore

  3. Milestone
    April 11, 2013 at 2:42 am

    Hi, I’m new to this site, al I can say is that I’m so grateful to have found it. Suddenly, the first 18 1/2 years being married to a manic depressive / schizophrenic, followed by a 3 year second attempt with someone who turned out to be BPD, are making sense … albeit in a very sad way. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about these things and when I am stronger emotionally I will be posting quite a few comments with a view to helping others. I’m still in recovery phase at the moment. THANK YOU Dr. Tara for authoring this site !!! IT’s a very sad place as a man to go through some of the articles and give them 10 out of 10 in terms of “Yep, she did all that to me and this is the net effect on my life” but it is really good to know that there is actually a name for that type of behaviour and that it is known and even that you can recover from this kind of abuse. Thank you so much.

  4. Blackanease
    April 8, 2013 at 2:12 pm

    Your completely correct about these women.
    Phew, I’m with one now and have been since October 2012.
    She is frigging nuts, believe me, this sort of women, men in the world do not need.

    She is far from crazy, tries the control thing and is as loud as a mother you know what I mean.

    Gets to the point where you just wanna take off her head,
    but this sorta woman is aiming for some sort of downfall for you if your not careful.

    WTF….They behave terrible but don’t like the terrible in response.

    I get all kinds of threats and really I just come to the point now where I show her what the @@”’r’ej’h. Like I don’t give a hooters.

    then you get the little girl talk, thats bullshit too, weaving her way back in to go on with the same bullshit later on in the week.

    These women don’t last 1month without mayhem.

    Sorry to sayy this but she is saying she is pregnant now as she can feel me pulling away. Took a test in-front of me but I still cant believe her because she is full of story’s.

    After all this now she is saying she needs me to have the baby or else the authority’s will take it away just like they did her first born.

    Phew, what do I do?

    My plan is to head out…

    I have a better life else where than to live with this crazy woman plus with a child.

  5. Mark
    January 22, 2013 at 5:47 pm

    After 19 years of verbal & emotional abuse, virtually zero empathy and sexual games/manipulation, this past year, my wife has suddenly ‘calmed down’. She acts almost normal. Dr. T or anyone else have any thoughts on this apparent change? But for me, it’s too little, too late. I’ve lost my libido, my stress handling ability, due to her behavior and my bipolar illness, is negligible and my health, in general, is scraping bottom. Getting a new psychiatrist, have a new primary and waiting to see a urologist who specializes in male sexual problems. I can’t figure, though, if she’s going to sucker punch me when I start to feel better, so I’m now on constant vigilance. PTSD, too?

    • Simon London
      February 5, 2013 at 11:40 pm

      Hi Mark.can totally associate with the loss of libido. I’m 42 fit healthy and found running since 2009 but still my sex drive has gone to nothing. The only thing I can associate this to would be that we probaly don’t realise the stress we are under 24/7. Even when we were in one of our “honeymoon periods of making up”I’ve still not fully this last couple of years felt the “illusion” of the rush of make up sex. Its smashed!!Just wasn’t real and I think for me personally guys have a lot of bravado around sex and think we should be at it constantly. For me it would be more about quality not quantity & I think when guys are married & give their all you expect it back but something isn’t right with these “crazy”women,its an act,unemotional. as soon as you feel like the “new next big porn star “they cut you down by how unfulfilled they are, then the shit feeling comes, no sex for a while, you get down they have a spring in their step & swan around in their fantasy land,then they work on you, then the make up sex. So the circle starts again.Just so bloody boring in the end and absolutely no real emotion in there at all.so we are left as men,batterd and bruised & scared to date when we finally grow balls to leave our”crazy” of fear we can’t perform in bed,& fear of a woman being a new “crazy”. For me I’m leaving my “crazy” as of this Xmas, (I’ve blogged on the comments and policy part on here) so am broken,but,a massive but here,I have to have hope with reading all on here that I will come thru this & eventually be okay, & with mr libido back. If I’m not back fully till the day I die then it would be a small price to pay than to stay in this nightmare for another 15 years.gotta have hope is my Mantra & keep banging in the miles & run my “crazy” out of my head I hope. Staying close. Simon London

      • Ryan
        February 25, 2013 at 6:49 pm

        Glad I found this site. So many places that I could comment, but I figured I’d start here as this is, for me is one area most telling of my wife’s narcissistic behaviour and emotional and psychological abuse. She actually just left with our boys (the only reason that I have stayed for this long, and the one thing that it destroys me to be without at this point) and went back to live with her parents. Anyway, before she left she would repeatedly tell me that I had no interest in sex anymore, that I wasn’t giving her the kind of attention that a loving husband should. My thoughts were it is hard to be interested in sex when you spend all day at work and then get home to an absolute disaster of a house (literally at the point of not being a safe/healthy environment for children), which you try to get cleaned up to a somewhat acceptable standard, do laundry, and bring in wood for the wood stover, have to make supper, feed the kids, bathe them and put them to bed often with as little “help” as a 5 second hug to tuck them in while she is spending 75% or more of her day in an online virtual universe including having pixel sex with people she’s never met because “she doesn’t want to lose friends or look out of place” on the damn site, and much of this because she is alone and abandoned and felt used by the guy (our neigbour) that she had a real life affair with last year in the community that we were living in then, and I’ve made her my prisoner and given her nothing but a bed to keep warm for me and knocked her up three times to have my babies, the last of which was not planned and she suggested having aborted, which I merely suggested I didn’t feel right about and I figured she would feel guilt and regret about if she did, but I made her have the baby against her will. Well I’m rambling but will get back to the start of my story. Just after Christmas, when I did try to initiate sex because I didn’t want to have to hear about it again at least for a day or two, she looked about as interested and into it as a dead fish, so I commented that she didn’t seem interested, to which she responded that the sight of me, and my touch revolts her (heard it before many times), and that she has to imagine me as someone else in order to enjoy herself. My interest (what little there was to begin with) was completely gone at this point, and I said that it is hard to be aroused when you are told by your partner that you revolt them. Her response was to get upset and rather loudly rant on for a good 10 minutes that you “don’t promise someone sex and then take it away,” and that I should “get myself hard and f*#$ her.” Again, that’s just the tip of the iceberg, but kind of resonates with what you said Simon and Mark.

        • Mark
          February 27, 2013 at 12:46 pm

          Ryan,

          You’re a good man. You’re wife, like mine and Simon’s and many other men on here, is FUBAR and there’s nothing you can do to change that. She was a psychological train wreck before you met her and if you split, she’ll still be a train wreck, looking for someone else to ‘rescue’ her. I’ve come to realize that with women, I’ve always been too deferential, too accomodating, put them on pedestals, so desperate for a girlfriend that I didn’t know how to set boundaries, never learned how to be an alpha male(though my dad was but I didn’t listen to his advice). I was a pushover, a nice guy and more times than not ended up being some women’s ‘friend’ while some other guy was fully enjoying her.

          With my wife, I’ve set up a boundary around myself to keep her at arm’s length and she doesn’t like it but I don’t want her to touch me or to bother me. Being ill, I’ve switched into survival mode and that should always be priority one. She’s extremely needy and I’ve been her life preserver but I’m gradually sinking. If I let her keep holding on, we’ll both end up drowning. Not going to happen. I can understand that’s much more difficult when you have children and you’re trying to save them as well as yourself. Being childless, I’m not in a position to say, “Do as I do.” If you have health insurance, get to a psychologist or psychiatrist. Call the local bar association about finding a lawyer or Legal Aid if hiring an attorney is too pricey. (It is for me.) And take care of yourself and your children. They need you and you need them.

          Mark

  6. T
    January 21, 2013 at 10:53 pm

    I can relate all to well; mine is over finally also…what a great sense of relief. Good for you Adrian!

  7. Adrian
    January 21, 2013 at 8:53 pm

    This is really hard to assimilate, why? Simply because I come from a relationship with someone who’s been exactly like this in my life for a straight 30 months!! Not until I wrote to Shrink4Men and when she discovered that I tell you I had to ride hard on that guilt trip.
    Well, this just brings me a whole lot of sadness because I know straight up how it is to keep trying and be slapped across the face for trying and be told how your best is never close to any good enough.
    When I wrote to Dr. Tara Palmatier, I was confused and really didn’t know what was I doing, and she broke down straight to my face and I don’t regret it today. All it took was simple courage and stand my ground and declare myself retired in the ‘chess game’ without checking my ‘opponent’
    So, when a ‘Jen’ comes across me, I know what to do and I do it really fast before anything gets any further, separate myself from it all firmly, but of course humbly and walk away and never look back.
    Nothing feels as good than being unafraid to walk away and regretting nothing.

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