Home > Abusive relationships, bullying, divorce, Gender differences, Marriage, Psychology, relationships, Social Commentary > Going Mental with Dr Tara Palmatier and Paul Elam: Abusive Women, Smart Men, Bad Choices

Going Mental with Dr Tara Palmatier and Paul Elam: Abusive Women, Smart Men, Bad Choices

Going Mental 01Whatever your feelings about relationships, there is no doubt that men’s lives with women can be both crazy and comical — sometimes both at the same time, sometimes not.

For a thousand arguable reasons, it is our relationship lives where logic often goes out the window and all things limbic have a way of taking over. That is true for both sexes, and it can have not only a profound impact on mental health, but on the lives of the people involved.

The world spends a nauseating amount of time obsessing on women’s experience in this area. But, at the risk of sounding cliché, what about the men?

While more people are becoming aware of men’s issues, they still suffer neglect.

Responding to that deficit is the aim of a new live Google Hangout with Dr. Tara Palmatier and Paul Elam, “Going Mental,” a program about how men experience modern relationships, good, bad or indifferent. The show debuts today, Wednesday, March 19 at 1 PM Pacific, 3 Central and 4 Eastern Time on Shrink4Men and on AVoiceforMen.

The first program will include a brief discussion about the show, followed by a discussion between Paul and Dr. T on the reasons so many men make themselves unnecessarily vulnerable, emotionally and legally, to women; the failure of many men to establish and hold fast to limits with what they will tolerate, and why all of this happens.

We are also going to focus on what can be done about it.

Please feel free to join us as we explore the side of men that most people know about but few discuss. You can watch the show live in the viewer below or at a later time that is more convenient for you.

For those who like to download podcasts to listen to on your commutes or at the gym, you will be able to do so on the Live365 AVoiceforMen Channel.

To watch the podcast, please follow this link and scroll down to the viewer:

Going Mental Podcast 01

Shrink4Men Counseling, Coaching and Consulting Services

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides confidential, fee-for-service, counseling, consultation and coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

  1. December 14, 2016 at 12:25 am

    Wanted to say I believe your blog is a valuable resource for men suffering from the fallout of BPD relationships. Will you be writing posts here any longer?

  2. May 17, 2016 at 11:28 pm

    Great article regarding abusive women and dealing with a destructive relationship. I appreciated the statement regarding how often these issues are overlooked when it comes to men. “While more people are becoming aware of men’s issues, they still suffer neglect.”

  3. ms peppa pig
    June 24, 2015 at 9:04 pm

    Ricky – watch out and be very careful, you may need to dump her quick, as a bit of a narcissist. I’m female and this is not normal at all.

  4. Paul
    December 23, 2014 at 9:44 pm

    I am 44 years old, I have been married for 23 years, we have an 18 year old boy and a 9 year old girl, they are my pride and joy, in the beginning of our marriage all I wanted to do was to make my wife happy, I wanted to give her everything she needed in a man, I wanted to be the man she had dreamed of, looking back on how we started I now realize how wrong I went about things, in my attempt to make things great for her I neglected many things I needed, I was always tending to her every need and was as affectionate as I could be, we enjoyed 5 years without children and on the outside our marriage was admired and even envied by others.
    After five years we decided to have a child and she was pregnant soon after, my life up to that point was pretty much work and then go home to her, since I had moved here from another country I had left many of friends behind and it was a little hard to make new friendships here, especially after I married her, she was beautiful and fun for the most part and I was ok not having many friends as long as I had her, when she got pregnant she quit her job and stayed home, I am not an educated man and I had to work very hard to scratch out a living, soon after we married she became very needy of my attention and I was happy to give it her, while pregnant she became even more needy and I started to feel the pressure she put on me all the time, every little thing I did wrong could turn into a river of tears coming from her, it could be something as little as me forgetting to get her drink when we sat down to eat dinner, she has always been very attentive to me, but she always expected the same back, on the surface it seems rational for her to want as much attention as she gave me, however when I failed to do the little things it was almost catastrophic, I had to apologize over and over while she question my commitment and my love for her, sometimes we would talk for hours with me trying to make her feel better about things, sometimes if I did something she didn’t like she would give the silent treatment and the cold shoulder, when I would try to hold her and tell her I was sorry she would push me away and tell me not to touch her, she would walk around the house slamming doors, cabinets and banging dishes, whatever she could do to let me know how displeased she was, I was very naive and thought that this was normal behavior from a very sweet and innocent girl who only wanted to be loved more than I was able to provide, I would try to be better and I would promise her I would, only to let her down again and again, she would accuse me of the usual things some women accuse men of like not listening to her, not caring enough, not loving her enough, etc. well after getting pregnant things got worse, her moodiness worsened and she was needier, she wanted me right there with her all the time, even if I had tried to develop or keep friendships It would not have been possible with her demanding so much of me, I never had any hobbies or things I did outside our marriage, she was always so nice and sweet to everyone and people saw how I was to her and everyone thought we had a great thing.
    While pregnant she gained a lot of weight despite my very subtle suggestions that she watch what she ate, she was of average weight and height when we married and while I did expect some weight gain over the years I did not want her to become obese which is exactly what happened, looking back now I know that her gaining so much weight made her even more insecure, I have never been attracted to obese women and this had a great impact on our sexual life, I started having problems performing in the bedroom and started paying more attention to other females I found attractive, I would see some of my coworkers wives and I wondered how they were so lucky to have such beautiful wives that took so much pride in their appearance, as the years went by I started making more money and things seemed goon from the outside, her insecurities about her self worsened, I would attend work functions where wives were invited alone, sometimes I was the only married man there without his wife, she would always find some excuse not to go, I always wanted to go because It was about the only things that I could do for fun outside of family get together s, I have to be honest and say that in some ways I was glad that she wasn’t with me, I was starting to be embarrassed to be seen with her because of her weight, I would never say anything to her about her weight for fear of her reaction, I would only subtlety hint that we needed to adopt a better heather lifestyle, or that we needed to set a better example for our kids, i always included myself in that because I did not want her to feel targeted, I knew that i could do better as well, I am currently the heaviest I have been in my life, 6’1 220 pretty evenly distributed, when we met I weighed about 180 and up until about forty years old I was weighing a bout 200 lbs. when I talk about her weight I can’t say exactly how much she gained since she would never let me find out, but it is easy to see that she had at least doubled in size she weighed about 140 lbs when we met.
    She has been a great mother to our kids and has kept a good clean home for us getting better at the housekeeping over the years, she is no Martha Stewart but she does a good job. With our kids we made the mistake of having them sleep with us which further strained our sexual relationship, she was happy with this arrangement and so was I, in a way it took a lot of the pressure to have sex with her away, yes it had become this way, I only occasionally had problems getting an erection with her but I always felt stressed when i knew that sex was on the horizon, I am sure a lot of guys know exactly what I am talking about, in the last several years sex dwindled to just a few times a year, I was content with masturbating in the shower, by this time it was almost impossible to have sex with her, I would say I have an athletic build, I have always been watchful of my appearance, I dress well and I am very clean, also I am would say I am slightly above average in penis size, but even with my size it was hard to get inside her with so much flesh in between, when we did have sex I could only get about 2 inches inside her and I had to try so hard to maintain an erection that I started developing having problems not lasting very long, we tried different positions but the truth is I wanted to see as little as possible of her while having sex.

    As the years went she became harder to understand, I was always afraid of doing or saying something that would upset her, it was like walking on egg shells all the time, afraid of angering her and the confrontations that would ensue, I started apologizing for everything, even when I knew I had done nothing wrong, I just so wanted to avoid conflict, in the beginning I wanted her to feel so loved and taken care and I never wanted her to be sad or angry that I spoiled her with all of that, growing up I always had this idea of women being so loving, pure, innocent, and wise, I always thought that they were loving and truthful, the idea of a woman emotionally manipulating me never even registered in my head, I never thought a woman could be abusive but that is what she was, if I wanted to do something that did not include her like joining a softball team at work she would sulk and try to convince me that I had no time to spare on that since I worked so much and had very little to devote my family, in this instance I suggested she attend the games and make it fun for everyone by taking the kids to watch the games, i think she went once, I was always asking myself why won’t she come? all the other guys wives are here rooting for them, and the whole time I was playing I was worried she would be all upset when I got home.

    We now own a business that I run, for the first five years she never has been interested in helping me run it so I I have had other people working for me, she seldom even comes by my office to visit, three years ago I hired a 24 year old married woman to work for me, I am acquainted with her husband and he asked me if I would give her a job, I told him that I would give her an interview and go from there, although she was young she was intelligent and willing to work, I had just fired another woman before I hired her, things started a little rocky with her at work since she did not have any experience, however as she learned what to do things got better, I later started to realize that she was attracted to me, I had found her attractive as well but it was easy to keep it tucked away the whole time, I had worked wit many females in the past and I had been able to steer clear of trouble this whole time, this time was harder though, she was beautiful and I had already been feeling like I was wasting away for several years, the thought of going like this for twenty more years was daunting, I already felt that I had so much time to enjoy life in a more fulfilling way, at least sexually, it was easy to start getting closer to her, we worked in an office all day, just the two of us, we had customers come in and out and the phone ringing all day, but the time we found in between to talk personally became what I looked forward to every day, we both realized where we were headed and we made some efforts to keep it professional, however we both knew what we wanted, it took months before we did anything physical but we were engaged in intimate conversations, after we touched or even kissed for the first time it was months before we had sex, neither of us wanted to hurt our spouses or leave them, but the attraction was so strong, we both had different reasons for what we did, I mentioned some of mine, hers were different, even though I know most people will say that there is not good reason to have an affair, there are circumstances that facilitate an affair. I had this feeling for years that I would always be doomed to have shitty sex and that the best years of my life were wasted, that i would never again know what it feels like to have great sex, that I would never feel that euphoria again, having this beautiful young woman lust after awakened all those desires I had buried long ago, just the thought of the possibility of kissing her made me lightheaded.

    We had a year long affair, my wife eventually found out and told her husband, we are in the process of putting the pieces back together, it has been over three years now, I don’t know if it will work out, maybe we’ll just be able to hold it together until our children are grown, while I regret the pain I have caused other people, aside from my beloved children, I have to say that the year long affair is the most satisfying time of my life, If somebody asked me what I would do differently I may have to go back many years before that to change things, I didn’t marry with the intention of cheating on my wife, however, now I am that to her, a cheater and a liar, I am that to may other people too, her family and her few friends, I don’t blame her for my actions, I made the decision to have an affair and now I have to live with the consequences, we have talked about all the problems we had on our marriage, and she is trying to change, I am trying to change, it just may be a little too late.

  5. just friends
    October 2, 2014 at 5:43 am
  6. Ricky
    March 26, 2014 at 9:38 pm

    Your article really hits home with me. I started seeing a girl about 6 weeks ago and we immediately started having a TON of sex. I was married for a while and recently got divorced so this is the first serious relationship I’ve had since then. In the first 2 weeks we had sex just about every single day, multiple times, and both of us achieved multiple orgasms. She turned me on so much that I felt like my performance was WAY beyond what it normally was. In fact, I never felt so turned on in my life and I was actually capable of doing things with her that I had never done with anyone else (i.e. – climaxing 3,4, even 5 times in a 3-4 hr period with little to no rest at all) At first I thought it had to do with the workout supplements I was taking but I found that even after I stopped taking them things were still the same. This girl just really turned me on, and I know the feeling was mutual because it was blatantly obvious she was enjoying herself immensely as well. Enough about those details though, I’ll get to the point of my post now.

    After the first few weeks she started to say “no” to me a little more and made me feel like a creep by insinuating that every time I was around her I just wanted to put my fingers or c**k inside her. While it may be true that I wanted to do those things, it’s also true that I cared about the girl and had intent of continuing to form a lasting and fruitful relationship with her. In the short time we’ve been dating I feel I have proven myself repeatedly to be a man who is unselfish, caring, sympathetic, genuine, and good-willed. I conduct myself like a gentleman and I go out of my way to do things for this girl all the time. I even sacrifice and do more than I probably should at times. I complement her all the time, tell her she’s beautiful, make her feel special, and do everything I can to be a good boyfriend. She does things like walk out of the shower nude right in front of me, wears a thong around the bedroom and bends over while getting dressed, and all sorts of other stuff that gets me really turned on. Then she has the audacity to get into bed and tell me she wants to snuggle, that’s it. Meanwhile I lay there with blue balls in a world of agony trying to control myself. If I so much as do anything other than just simply hold her I am told that I am being “too touchy” and “making her feel like an object”.

    It’s now been 4 days since we last had sex and I was trying not to masturbate but I got fed up earlier today and just did it. Over the past couple days I’ve made an earnest effort to almost ignore her in hopes it would spark something on her end but I’ve been unsuccessful. Last night it seemed like she might had been in the mood but I just rolled over and said I was tired and fell asleep (with a serious case of blue balls).

    I don’t want to think badly of this girl, but I’m actually at the point now where I feel rejected and, believe it or not, I’m starting to not want sex anymore because I feel so insecure, rejected, and uncertain about everything. I am physically attracted to this girl but I’ve gotten so “in my head” that I don’t know if I could really enjoy sex to the degree that I did in the first couple weeks we dated.

    I’m sorry if my concern seems ridiculous. I realize I’m not married and I also acknowledge that we’ve only been dating for 5-6 weeks, but the first couple weeks was so fiery and passionate that I feel like I’m almost a victim of false advertisement. We have had sex twice in the past week, but that is extremely infrequent compared to multiple times every day when we first me. I’d rather be intimate than watch a movie, go out to a club, or anything else for that matter.

    If I were to try to bring this up to her she’d get defensive and make an excuse, probably argue with me and try to turn things around to make me look/feel like the bad guy. It just seems a little selfish and inconsiderate on her part because not only does she not feel bad at all for doing any of this, but she actually makes me feel bad for wanting to have sex and supposedly not being understanding to her wishes to just not have sex at all.

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