Narcissists, Borderlines, Codependents and Mutual Childhood Issues
Many men and women who have been in a relationship with a narcissist, borderline or psychopath describe taking a parental role in response to their disordered partner’s perpetually childish attitudes and behaviors. While this is superficially true, there’s much more to it.
Narcissists, borderlines, histrionics and psychopaths are immature. When you’re in a relationship with one of these personalities, you’re dealing with someone who is somewhere between a troubled toddler or a troubled teenager in terms of emotional and psychological maturity. Many of my clients who share actual children (under the age of 18) with narcissistic, borderline or sociopathic wives and husbands have watched as their children mature and and surpass their adult partners in terms of emotional and moral development.
If you entered into your relationship wanting an equal partner (a functional adult rather than someone who knows how to pretend to be a grown-up when practicing image management), you’ll eventually resent the parental role in which your disordered spouse thrusts you. In many cases, the targets of narcissists et al volunteer for this thankless position hoping things will magically change someday. This is especially true of people who have codependency issues. READ MORE.
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Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women who trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.
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- Sex with a Borderline: Confusing Intensity and Pathology for Intimacy and Passion, Part 1 [Video]
- Video: Love Bombing, Brainwashing, Trauma Bonds, Narcissists and Borderlines, Part 1
- How to Love a Woman Who’s Been to Hell and Back [Video]
- Are You Suffering from Emotional Labor? Or Unrealistic Relationship Expectations? [Video]
- Adult Toddlers, Part 1: Traits of Emotionally Immature Narcissists and Borderlines [Video]
- Causes of Unhealthy Relationship Patterns for Codependents with Narcissists and Borderlines, Part 1 [Video]
- Blame and Rage: What Narcissists and Borderlines Call Problem-Solving
- The Final Child Support Payment to a Borderline or Narcissistic Ex: Brace Yourself, Francis! [Video]
- Narcissist Fight Club Rule #5: The More You Explain Yourself the More Vulnerable You Are [Video]
- Healthy Boundaries, Part 2: The Joy of No! [Video]
Shrink4Men 
It’s not easy reading about co-dependency and realizing I fit the bill, and my fiancé fits the BPD characteristics without a doubt. It has been almost three years we have dated. During that time I’ve been dumped more times than I can count. She’d jump on a date site, post photos I took of her during our high moments together, tell me I can’t make her love me, telling me to find someone else like she was doing, and other cruel comments. But within days, a couple weeks at the longest, she’d return, reeling me back it. She was especially fearful when I would begin to see another woman during the dump periods, and would never let me forget it over the years, making me out to be the jerk who dated someone other than her! Yet here I am. Three months after an accepted proposal. But did I get a Valentines Day card? Nope. Would she allow me to visit her (an hour away)? Nope. She comes to my house every weekend, but upon her return to her place, I feel like I mean nothing to her. I made a visit to her place last night, the first in 12 months. I saw photo frames I’d purchased for her that were given with a photo of “us”, the “cute couple”. But the frames did not hold any of those photos, instead replaced by her daughter, another her departed dog. All I was hoping for was a small sign of true love, but I doubt it will ever happen. So why am I in the position of engagement? My weekends with her are fun, making me forget all my worries; but are times together are typically me wanting to be with her, and her denying my visits. So why am I in the position of engagement? Understand that I am 62 years old with multiple college degrees and working at a major university . . . this crap can happen to anyone, not just the inexperienced and young.
Ahhh; the feeling when you saw your beautiful and no doubt thoughtfully-picked-out frames with OTHER photos in them.
Should I die of humiliation and pain NOW, or later?
You NAILED it all in this article ! Well done !
I was the parentified child in the extreme. I had all the responsibilities, and I assumed all the consequences for fixing all problems …and I had none of the resources or power. It took me decades to sort through all the personal baggage that one develops from being raised in these extreme situations. It truthfully almost killed me from all the health problems that I developed being unable to perceive or process my emotions appropriately . I remained enslaved for decades into my adulthood to my abusers as their ongoing caretaker and unpaid personal assistant. I’m totally free now and my own character is extremely refined as a result .
Codependency is like melted gum on the dashboard of a car on a hot summer day. Try to peal that gum away with your fingers and you will see that tons of little strands of gum will hang on and the whole thing becomes a gooey mess. All those little strands represent hundreds of beliefs that the “co dependent” internalizes which need to be corrected.
I love this article because it makes the dynamic crystal clear and we desperately need that level of clarity in the global soup of moral relativism that we live in.
Cheers!
I LOVE your “gum-on-a-hot-dashboard” analogy.
So sorry you got that crap dumped on you, and so glad you are now totally free!
Thank you for your kindness and validation ibikenyc.
nyc is sort of my home territory too :-)