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Why is No Contact So Hard?

Shrink4Men_Breaking No Contact Posion for CureIf you still believe you love your narcissistic, borderline or psychopathic ex, practicing and maintaining No Contact can be very difficult initially. Excruciatingly, painfully difficult. Many of my clients compare it to withdrawing from a drug. Neuro-chemically speaking, there are similarities.

You’re hurting, and you want the pain to stop. To ease the pain you engage in wishful thinking. You believe that maybe, just maybe, things will be different if you try again. If you “love harder” (sorry, I just threw up a little in my mouth). So you call, email or text or stage an “accidental” run in.

You probably feel a sense of elation and exhilaration at the first contact. Like standing in front of a warm fire after feeling all alone in despair and desolation. There she or he is [cue harp strings sound effect]. Maybe it’ll be different this time.

Will it? READ MORE.

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Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women who trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.

Categories: Uncategorized
  1. Mick
    April 11, 2017 at 3:17 am

    This topic is even more appropriate than the last since i am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. In truth I am obsessive compulsive and have been working diligently for 35 continuous years years to remain clean and sober and deal with various emerging forms on addictive behavior in the process. There’s been a a long list of addictions that had nothing to do with drugs or alcohol to address in that time, from work, shopping, sex, gambling, and smoking cigarettes, The fact is, that if it could be used to take me out of myself, alter my emotions or stimulate my ego I used it and eventually hit bottom with the behavior. The last to go were the cigarettes, but they finally went after experiencing an almost life ending life changing heart attack.

    The same is true when it comes to women and relationships that were always approached from a position of self seeking….I want a relationship for my needs, wants desires. Not exactly the correct motives. Ive had to learn to enjoy being alone and all the challenges that entails. I had to learn how to deal with my addiction to “drama” and “excitement”:. I had to develop what a friend and mentor describes as a “Tolerance for The Mundane”. I had to learn how to exist in the valleys and accept the absence of the mountain peaks. I had to learn how to sit with, accept and make friends with unpleasant feelings until they left. I had to learn how to discipline my mind and not entertain negative thoughts so they would not grow into negative emotions. I had to learn how to resist the incessant demands of my egos’ desire for constant stimulation and fulfillment because the ego is insatiable and can never be satisfied. It only grows stronger when fed, starve it and it dies. I had to learn a lot about myself. I had to accept some hard truths about myself. I had to be willing to concede that not everyone is meant to be part of a couple, partnered or married, just like some people are not designed or meant to be parents. I always get in trouble when my desires, my wants exceed my abilities.

    I had to withdraw from my marriage, separate and eventually divorce. Once i was gone though is when things got hard and i mean really HARD! I was a broken mess and i needed to find a safe place to recover mentally, physically, spiritually and psychologically. I became homeless sleeping in my car for a time until finally generating some financial assistance because being the guy I am i made no plans, took nothing but the station wagon but had no money of my own. I secured a room in a share house with pedophiles and drug addicts. I lived there until having a heart attack. My head wouldnt leave me alone, I continuous tried to do things i was not ready to do and only made matters worse. I looked for short cuts in new relationships that I used to manipulate conditions. All of my efforts were ego based reactions, They were based in a million forms of self centered fear or prideful retaliation. I couldn’t have a discussion with my ex without expressing my pain in the form of vitriol. I needed time and emotional distance that my ex apparently did not need.

    My ex got over things quite quickly and easily! She shared a bit of self pity on facebook and almost instantly people started setting her up to meet new men. The first guy she met she hooked and was instantly transformed from an adult woman with 4 kids from 2 relationships to a hickey bearing teen agers who proudly proclaimed on her facebook status that she now worshipped at the alter of Scott who was from her description everything i was not and perfect in every imaginable way. Communication finally became to painful, i dreaded her messages or her calls and emails. Its taken quite along time to recover from this woman and her effect on me, I have worked hard to look at myself and avoided making some of the same mistakes, I have concluded that if i dont change I will continue to attract these fragmented and damaged women. I have concluded that I would prefer to be alone that to subject myself to any more abuse. .

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