Home > Uncategorized > Narcissist Club Rules 1 and 2: Don’t Tell the Narcissist They’re a Narcissist

Narcissist Club Rules 1 and 2: Don’t Tell the Narcissist They’re a Narcissist


Shrink4Men_Narcisisst Club Rules_don't tell the narcissist borderline psychopath that they're personality disordered_V01Many people in relationships with narcissists, psychopaths, borderlines, histrionics and other personality disordered abusers often find themselves living by a set of rules, spoken and unspoken, determined by their abuser. Narcissists don’t force their victims to live by these rules. Adult victims comply hoping to preserve the relationship for a variety of typically misguided, unhealthy reasons stemming from fear, obligation and guilt (FOG). For example, you fear losing access to your children. You don’t believe anyone else will be attracted to you. You’re replaying family of origin issues in which the people who claim to love you abuse you. You feel obligated to stay with your abuser and guilty about leaving.

Healthy relationships also have rules. However, they’re out in the open, reasonable and in the interest of and agreed to by both parties. Dysfunctional relationship rules share none of these attributes. Abusers like to win. In order for the narcissist to feel that they’re winning, someone else has to lose. They’ll scheme and bully to ensure they’re always the winner (or appear to be the winner), even if they eventually lose the relationship. Leaving the relationship doesn’t necessarily automatically free you. If you’re married and share children, they’ll then devise destructive, one-sided rules for divorce and custody agreements. They’ll do their damnedest to continue their tyranny post-divorce if enabled by the court. Even when the courts don’t enable the narcissistic or borderline ex, it’s up to you to create and enforce boundaries if you no longer want to live by the their rules.

These rules are subject to change at anytime, at the whim and self-interest of the narcissist. Narcissists and other abusers usually don’t hold themselves to the same rules and standards of behavior that they hold others. In this respect, they live on a one-way street paved with double standards. The rules favor the narcissist or borderline, who create endless no-win situations and conflicts for their partners and family members. The rules aren’t fair. The rules dictate that you deserve whatever abuses or punishment the narcissist or borderline metes out. The rules absolve the narcissist of accountability and culpability. There’s one rule that rarely changes — the narcissist is never wrong. Or, in the unlikely event the narcissist is wrong, you made her or him behave badly.

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Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. Victor
    March 26, 2018 at 6:18 pm

    Hello , I been married 18 years and hearing my spouse that she wants to divorce me for 7 years until I got tired, so I stared my process of the divorce year ago and still on it, so she realized that I’m serious about it and now she is begging me and crying saying that she loves me and she is willing to do what ever needs to be done in order to keep the family together, our two kids 13 and 7 year old , making me feel I’m the selfish and the destroyer of her life. it is really difficult , to me dealing with my codependency which I admitted , I been learning her pattern and I can say that she have some issues that it is been affecting me financially , emotionally and I tired I don’t trust on her which I been doing it and that’s when she takes advantage , I have never reported anything when she used to pulling my hair or throwing me stuff, or pawned my stuff , is not easy to explained my situation inf a few words but I can see now the behaviors, even one time I went to jail for 3 days for one discussion and she said to the officer that she didn’t feel safe, my mistake my fault was that I was upset and the officer saw that I was irritated ,so they took me to jail , when in 18 years living under the same roof I never have touched her ever, when she have done it to me , that was 7 years ago , I know that she needs help which she is willing to work out , I told her on a discussion that to me looks like she has some issues on been narcissist. but I don’t trust her at all.

  2. February 7, 2018 at 10:07 pm

    My guess is he returned because he believed that if he just did one more thing, bought one more thing, or jumped through one more thing the relationship would work. I remember those feelings.

  3. Douglas Duncan
    February 6, 2018 at 4:13 am

    I have been in process of divorce for over a year now. I fileld first time after 4 years. I refiled 1 year 5 months ago. I have been getting your news letter for a few years at least. I can’t believe how spot on your descriptions are. I was a single father caring for my 3 sons and disabled mother when she came into my life. I have a good paying job and had bought my 6 bedroom golf course home 3 years before I met her.. She has tried to destroy me. It has taken a year apart for me to realize she never loved me or anyone else for that matter. I was working 6 & 7 days a week to try to buy her love and admiration. When I finally told her My first demands in a 11 year relationship including 9 yr 11 mon marriage she replied, If you are not getting them now. What makes you think you’ll get it later…My demands were love, grace and respect or we were through.. I was a single father for 15 years.. Your description of everything is amazing.
    Thank you

    • shrink4men
      February 6, 2018 at 4:45 am

      Hi Douglas,

      I hope you’re able to go through with the divorce this time. Why did you go back, if I may ask?

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