Home > Uncategorized > Narcissist Fight Club Rule 5: Don’t JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)

Narcissist Fight Club Rule 5: Don’t JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)


Shrink4Men_Narcissist Club Rule 5_Don't JADE argue justify defend explain narcissists borderlines psychopaths histrionicsArguing with narcissists, borderlines, psychopaths and other emotionally immature and unstable personalities is typically a pointless exercise for many reasons. Narcissists aren’t interested in equitable solutions. They want to “win.” They especially want to win when they’re objectively wrong. Many of these individuals taker perverse pleasure in getting others to admit that up is down and day is night. Winning is about being in control and wielding power. The big thrill isn’t persuasion, but coercion. Although, they typically experience duping delight when people believe their lies.

Winning helps the narcissist protect their false self. The narcissist’s false self masks their core wound of feeling unloved and inferior. Borderlines typically create conflict and drama to ward off fears of abandonment. If you’re engaged and fighting then you’re still in the relationship. Sometimes these individuals create conflict because they simply enjoy it, or to alleviate boredom.

Conflict, chaos and drama is also a good source of attention. Attention is attention is attention. Good attention, bad attention — it makes no difference. Actually, now that I think about it, when we’re children we receive more attention from our parents when we behave well, do our chores, do our homework, share with siblings, etc. Good enough parents praise and encourage young children, so that they’ll internalize a sense of pride in being model junior citizens, which in turn becomes its own reward. In other words, as we grow and mature into adolescence and adults, we shouldn’t require gold stars for making our beds, washing the dishes, being honest and doing our own work. These are things mature, responsible adults just do. We get attention or praise when we go above and beyond, but not for the mundane activities of daily life. For adult narcissists and borderlines, it’s easier to get attention for acting out than for acting right. Or, for prodigiously posting selfies on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

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Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. Coaching individuals through high-conflict divorce and custody cases is also an area of expertise. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for more information.

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