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- Sex with a Borderline: Confusing Intensity and Pathology for Intimacy and Passion, Part 1 [Video]
- Video: Love Bombing, Brainwashing, Trauma Bonds, Narcissists and Borderlines, Part 1
- How to Love a Woman Who’s Been to Hell and Back [Video]
- Are You Suffering from Emotional Labor? Or Unrealistic Relationship Expectations? [Video]
- Adult Toddlers, Part 1: Traits of Emotionally Immature Narcissists and Borderlines [Video]
- Causes of Unhealthy Relationship Patterns for Codependents with Narcissists and Borderlines, Part 1 [Video]
- Blame and Rage: What Narcissists and Borderlines Call Problem-Solving
- The Final Child Support Payment to a Borderline or Narcissistic Ex: Brace Yourself, Francis! [Video]
- Narcissist Fight Club Rule #5: The More You Explain Yourself the More Vulnerable You Are [Video]
- Healthy Boundaries, Part 2: The Joy of No! [Video]
Shrink4Men 
My son had similar problems in his marriage she was a violent person but thank goodness he got out of it but she still continued to harass him.
She got legal aid for the divorce proceedings and was awarded half of everything including his super although she has only been in Australia for 4 years as contributed nothing to the
country.
There are two beautiful children which she has and my son is presently going through the courts to be able to collect the children from school on a Friday afternoon and return them there on a Monday to eliminate the violence and abuse that she displays in front of the children when he collect them from her public housing unit.
This upsets the children emensley and they are continually subjected to psychological harm.
She wants him to pick up children at 7 am on a Saturday morning and return them on a Sunday afternoon . The only reason she wants this is because she will get more money from centrelink because she gets paid on the number of nights she has them not on the quality of care she gives to the children.
My son became redundant from the public service and applied for legal aid once again was refused she applied and was granted to oppose him collecting the children at the times mentioned previously .
She is much better of financially than my son so all I can say is the legal aid is is very biased towards the female and one could call it gender discrimination.
My wife has kept a detailed log of her violence and her abuse against our son the children and us over the past 4 years which will eventually be presented to the courts .
But it appears that the the family court here in Canberra is very much biased towards the female and do not take the children’s welfare into account..
When the children are with there dad they never want to go back to there mother and on one occasion I ask the 7 year old how she liked school and she promptly replied i love it it get me away from mum’s yelling. The younger one is 6 years old and now goes to school so they get some respite from the constant yelling ect
Thank you so much for creating this website, Dr. Tara. I’ve dated a few women with BPD and unfortunately, married one as well. We are now in the process of divorce (no kids, thank God!) and this website is an indispensable asset to anyone scrambling to put back together their life in the wake of a partner with BPD. I’m working with my Doctors at the VA to help me to understand why it is I seem to only get involved with these type of people.
I can’t thank you enough for this resource and the healing and understanding it brings to us who just wanted to make our partners happy, loved, safe and cared for only to be bullied for any insecurity or weakness we shared and made to feel like we were unworthy of love when really it’s the other way around.
Today has been a tough day, I’m dealing with grief and loosing a loved-one, however what is more difficult is the impact of communication from my ex-partner.
I have for the duration of my 5 and a half year journey taken responsibility for the conflict and negative issues in our journey, and I truly loved and in many ways still love this women. What started as a really spiritual and emotional connection with my now ex-partner was totally run over by my totally narcissistic ex-wife.
However, what I’ve become more and more aware of over the past year is how my own choices to accept way I was treated by both of these women. The more time I spent reading and reviewing the issues of Domestic Violence the more I realised I had experienced things like gaslighting. I look back at these moments as I focus on the positive things I can bring to others and how to find my own self worth in giving with love.
Today I received an email from my ex-partner, again it tells me how bad I am, yet my own communication speaks of apology and care for her son.. And this is where the problem presents its self.
How do we as men open our hearts to another women’s child and become all we can, only to be left with absolutely zero connection to the child you’ve just spent 5 years loving.
As adults we are left picking up the pieces of our tattered hearts and emotional damage is tough enough for us, but the reality is as step parents we have zero rights.. I can’t begin to explain how this feels…
Its one thing accepting how I’ve been treated and the feeling, its another thing letting go of yet another child who’s been so important in my own journey.
I just discovered this web site by accident this morning. It was a wonderful discovery. I have very recently walked away from a woman that was starting to show a lot of the traits talked about here. I had worked out about half of the thing mentioned here on my own. This page have provided the finishing touches. It showed up right on time. Yes, I did have a few tinges of guilt about telling her off and walking away. Now I have absolutely zero guilt and I’m not looking back. Thanks again.
Thanks Dr. Tara. Your website is awesome and I have learned a great deal from reading your new posts and articles.
I thought I was the one to blame as I am blamed for my spouses behaviours which are CRAZY. The kids and I are on the firing line and walking on eggshells. She and I do not get along as I am always protecting the kids and I from her anger issues which she blames on her upbringing and us.
Again thanks for the mental relief.
Dr. Tara, thank you so much for this website. I am a 40ish year old man in my seventh year of my second marriage with a woman a couple years younger than me whom I’ve known since we dated as teens. We even went to prom together. I am her fifth marriage. My first marriage ended when I was 30, when my ex and I grew apart realizing we had different goals. Now I am worried that I won’t be able to hold this marriage together with my second wife. She was abused as a child and later diagnosed with BPD in her late teens, which she refuses to speak of or even acknowledge. In everyday life I have learned to completely side step any and all conversations that have anything to do with abuse, an argument from the past, or any talk of medical intervention or medication or behavioral therapy. In the past few years she has been getting worse. Every thing I’ve ever done “wrong” in our 7 years together has accumulated and I don’t know what to do. Almost all of it is little things, like the time I told her I’d be at the store for an hour and it turned into two hours. Or the time I forgot to pick her up something she needed while I was out 4 years ago. It all accumulates, nothing is ever forgotten or forgiven. If I give her a gift on any given day, she will tell me I did it for myself to try and get a favor from her. If I tell her she’s beautiful and the love of my life, she regards me with suspicion and questions my fidelity and sincerity. In most of our arguments, I’ve come to realize that I’m a bad guy no matter what I say or do to try and placate her. I’m constantly accused of lying, cheating, or being self centered. I started seeing a psychiatrist last year for my depression and he put me on Wellbutrin, which helps tremendously by taking the edge off of my anxiety. When I mention to her that she could benefit from similar therapy, she accuses me of being a “pill head” and ” junkie” and “using a crutch to avoid reality”. When I write her a lengthy heart felt letter she will respond with how I am a narcissist and only talking about myself. I have felt crazy for years, like I am speaking a different language with her than anyone else. And whats worse, when we have our arguments, she goes running to her mom, sister, and friends, and sometimes my family or friends, with bits and pieces of the conversation taken out of context to show everyone how “bad” I am to her. Everyone knows her as this witty, fun-loving, happy person. None of them have ever seen her flip a switch and begin spouting vile and nasty “cut to the bone” comments aimed at me, so I find myself being ostracized from the rest of the group and I get calls from her family telling me to quit harassing her. Its like she has this big huge pink elephant called BPD on a leash that follows her everywhere she goes but neither she nor anyone around her will acknowledge that it even exists. Nor will she acknowledge that it may be to blame for any level or amount of her flawed interpretation of events between us. Its like it doesn’t exist to her and if I say anything about it or try to bring it up, she will not respond. It’s like she lives in some kind of huge denial. I have been in several relationships and a 6 year marriage before this one where I was always told how I was a good man. I now get into arguments almost daily that are worse than all the arguments put together I ever had with my previous wife. Last week things fell apart for us when I was trying to get her to take some nausea medicine while she was sick. She told me that she didn’t want any and to stop pushing drugs on her. Then she asked me how many women have I raped because I don’t take no for an answer. She then threatened me with police action if I didn’t leave her alone and told me what a lousy man I am and how she has friends and I don’t. The next day she went to stay with her mother and now refuses to speak to me at all, responding to my declaration of love and my every plea to get into therapy and deal with her BPD with “you’re still talking about yourself”. I’ve done everything I can do. Any advise is much appreciated.
My ex girlfriend as drink related issues. She made up her mind that she was going to go to her dads to try and pack in the drink. I had rang him to come and get her because she thought that I was going to call it a day and she pretended to commit suicide. Turns she was faking it, but her dad and step mum came up and took her to their house. Before she left I said are we splitting up she said no and are we staying together she said yes. She left me her ring and I loaned her my old mobile. She said I am coming back so save it for me. I said ok.
On her way down to her dads I text her with I might never see you again, but I want you know that I love you. She text back and said hiya darling, I said where is my kiss. She replied Loveuxxxx. Later I replied again about never seeing her again, and she was the best woman that had ever made love to. She replied the letter [ I ]. I sent a text that was not meant for her and was just asking someone to come to my address first then pick steve up later. Then I heard nothing until I rang her dad and asked how she was and could I speak to her. He said no she is in bed. I asked if I could speak to her some other point and he said as I said she is in bed. I opened up to him then and said I need to know if she and me are ok, and said that im going mental not knowing. he mumbled a bit and said all im saying at this time is she is ok.
I left it a few days and I text her. She didn’t get back to me so I rang her. again no answer I rang and text her dad a few times, and twice he called me back and both times said if I don’t stop texting and calling he would get the police. Then I got a text off her and she said that she had no had a drink for a full week her head is straight and she doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore, and to leave her her family and friends alone, but I didn’t contact her friends. I asked why what have I done. she didn’t answer. I asked did you ever love me. No answer. I asked her to tell me what I have done and I will move. She still didn’t answer. So I go mad and said that I have posted her ring through her letterbox and im moving on with another woman. I then got an nasty text saying things that she said I was controlling she only had sex with me because I was harassing her for it when she was drunk, but she wanted sex 24/7. Then she said im sorry if you think that I’ve used you. I ignored that text. A few days later the police phone me and told me not to contact her again nor reply if she contacts me. Before she went we were close there had been some issues she hurt me but she was making amends with me and wanted to stay with me, and I wanted to be with her. We were her and me against the world……..
COULD ANYBODY HELP ME ? SHE IS THE ONE I WANT TO BE WITH, BUT CAN’T CONTACT HER ANYMORE.
She came back at the weekend 07/12/2013. Dropped some boxes off and a suitcase from her dads. As the house that she is renting is too big for her and the letting place are trying to get her another place to live. She lives next door to me normally. I wasn’t in when she came back I was out, but my CCTV picked her up, and I saw her look over to my flat she also had very visible in her hand a book that I bought her a few days before she went.
Wait until you start recording your conversations for your safety and sanity. Playing them back is often frightening, and somewhat depressing. And when you let her know you’re recording them, she’ll go ballistic, and claim you’ve violated her rights and the basic trust of the marriage. It’s typical behavior for an abusive liar to react poorly when they realize they are on record, and can now be held accountable to anyone that wasn’t at the moment of their hate and anger filled tirade toward you. I’m navigating these waters very carefully because she has more than once threatened to call the police because I’m bigger than her and if I raise my voice its a “violent” attack. Be very careful, all of you, men and women both.
I’ve been there. The recordings were great for me to show her what she actually said and to show her how vicious she sounded but she would deflect away from what was on the recordings by being angry that I’d violated her trust and what an a**hole I was for doing it. She would come up with a whole new batch of problems and not once give any credit to what she said before. Its like living with someone in total denial that they just maybe have a problem. Its a no-win situation. I’ve actually had the cops at my house twice once when I called and once when she did and both times she was telling me that she was going to make up some stuff to get me locked up and she said “who are they going to believe? Little me with tears in my eyes or big, bad you”. I’ve had to lock myself in a bedroom until the cops got there to try and explain that I was protecting myself from her and didn’t want to be anywhere near her in case she hurt herself so she couldn’t blame it on me. Totally a bad situation with no winners at all. There’s a silver lining to this in my opinion: once you’ve lived through such an experience with someone with BPD or similar traits, you become very aware of how you act, what you say, and how thoughtful you are in regard to their feelings. This makes you an excellent and considerate partner for someone “normal” if you end up dating someone else.
The mother of my children who I love so dearly, was physically and emotionally abused as a child by her own mother. She has insecurity issues, and fear issues. I am however, a very confident yet assertive and aggressive man. So when we get into a heated argument I get very angry. This anger reminds her of her horrible past with her mother and she goes into defence and lashes back at me and get’s in a frenzy. I don’t know what to do anymore. We are at our wit’s end. There’s a lot more to it but I don’t know who to talk to about this.
hi,youre not the only one.ive been there for the past 14 years.you try to make it better but as time goes it just gets worse.my wife of (bipolar/bpd) left me 9 times in 5 years.we finnaly got divorced in april this year.she still texts me, how much she loves me and misses me.its very hard but the only way to get yourself esteem back is leave,never look back and go no contact.its the only way that will work.ive been sucked back into the relationship a dozen times with promises from her that it will never happen again .it just takes a tiny probmlem to trigger her and u become her emotional punching bag. i lost my self esteem and this effected my work with the result it damages your finances.im now 50,ive started life all over again wth no money and depressed,but im getting up slowly.away from her is the only way to start a new life and its far more peaceful. hang in there buddy.it gets better with time,be strong and dont think its going to get better,it never does.tell yourself you deserve better.dont let her suck u back in with promises to change and how much she loves u and u are her soulmate.get support from friends and family and a bit of therepy helps.good luck be strong.
Hi All.
I’m new to the posting, but have been reading for a few weeks. I must say that I thought that I was the only guy outh there that thought he was going crazy……..now I know its not true.
I’m nearing the end of my relationship with my NPD/BPD girlfriend.
I have decided that life is too short to fight daily about things that I dont understand, nor ever will. Can anyone tell me how to get a “small” part of my self asteem back? Seems like I can’t even pick my head up anymore.
I am right now in a hotel room righting this reply, because if I was at home with the NPD, I’d be accused of looking up something “inappropriate” on line. It is pathetic. I can’t even get on the computer for work without getting the 3rd degree, and then its so bad that I have to wait until she goes to sleep to work. I can’t take all of thee abuse any more.
Is there life after my slow, painful, deliberate beat down?
i don’t know for sure if my ex has bdp or not, but it sure sounds like it. we started a year ago in july 2011 as a one nite stand. then the following week started casual dating, then onto a relationship withing 3 weeks. she would later tell me she fell in love with me that first nite. at the time i was separated from my wife and starting a divorce. she made me feel as if i was the best man in the world. funny thing is that first nite we were together and talking between making love i told her my life story lol, it seems. i kinda figured with me telling her how my ex wife had ruined my credit and my credit and i didn’t have any extra money for the next 6 months as i had to pay off some bills she would have run off scared. but to my surprise she kept calling me back. but then something strange started happening. she would break up with me every thursday or friday, then make up with me on sunday or monday. i would ask why and she would say she didn’t know why. now i thought this was strange, but since i had been with my ex wife for 19 years and felt miserable and she was all i knew i just figured this was normal behavior. at the time i was 38 and the girlfriend with bdp was 44 and going thru menopause so i guess i assumed it was hormones. and besides when i was with her and it was good, nothing else seemed to matter. also other little things would come up but i guess i just pushed them aside cause of how i felt when i was with her. i mean if i didn’t answer my phone she accused me of cheating, if the time she couldn’t get in touch with me didn’t make sense to her i was cheating. it took me taking her to my work area to show her my reception wasn’t as good as hers. when we went out she accused me of looking at other women and flirting, although i pointed out to her she had to let me know said women were flirting with me. but then she started saying how since i was still married she was an old fashioned girl she couldn’t be in a committed relationship like that. so she broke up with me, then the next day said maybe we could casually date again. this was strange because now we spent even more time together. she begged me to spend the holidays together, thanksgiving, christmas, and new years. then the day after new years she just quit talking to me. also note her ex narcissist boyfriend started contacting her again. so on 1/25/12 after not talkin to me all of january she begged me to come over and be with her. that nite she told me she could get used to us being to us being together again. then the next nite i tell her i love her and she tells me to have a nice nite too. later i found out she was out on a date. then that saturday she took another guy home from the nite club i met her at in front of me. valentines day she told me she was living with her ex and not to contact her again and move on with my life. may 25 she calls me back and tells me she really wants to see me, the next nite she begs me to come see her at 3am and we slept together and i told her i still felt the same but i didn’t want to casually date again, she told me i was the only guy she wanted but we should go slow. come to find out that meant she was already seeing 2 guys and her ex but she knew if she told me that i wouldn’t want to be in a relationship. so she waited til i was back in and she told me she was dating other people. i saw text on her phone to confirm that she was sleeping with the other guys, and if you go to her front door on a sat or sun morning at 3am you can hear the bedsprings as her bedroom is close to the front door although she still denies she was with anyone else, however she always pointed out we were not together and if she wanted to she is free to do what she wants but does not owe me any explanations. she then told me that she liked hanging out with me and everytime i said i didn’t want to be in this arrangement she would say i was ruining any chance of us being together. also that the other guys only wanted her for sex and i treated her good, but she didn’t want to get back into a relationship just yet. then she flips it around and says that the other guys treat her better then me and since i only want to hug and kiss her and smother her she would rather be home alone and bored then spend time with me. but she still wanted to hang out with me. i just don’t understand still after reading all the articles what to know or believe from her anymore.
I am not alone. I can’t count how many of these comments exactly reflect the experiences I am going through. I am a calm friendly, logical individual. No drama in my life for the exception if the occasional hysterical maniac I know as my wife of eight years now. I married her when she got pregnant. I knew who she was and besides the pregnancy would never married her. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. A wonderful person most of the time, But every now and then her responses were way over the top reactions. The comments above help me put it all together. She chased away all of my female friends and x-girlfriends first. She found their numbers and called each one and did the exorcist act. Anyone close to me got the same treatment including mom and dad. These type of people are very passionate, they lure you in with the passion. You think they will change. You give them love and security, but they create drama out of thin air. They make it up and believe it as truth and then persecute you for it as if it really happened. Yelling cussing throwing calling your friends and family, traumatizing the kid. Then it just goes away like nothing ever happened. Until the next time. I served her divorce papers last week after another of her performances. I told her if it happened again we were done. Of course she insists it’s all my fault. I told her doesn’t matter if you are abusive again (By my interpretation) I will go forward with the divorce. I don’t belive anything will change. These people cannot change………..I will post back in a month.
hi, iv’e recently started logged onto yr website and find it relaxing,knowing that i am not alone with this problem of an emotionaliy abusive partner.my wife and i married for 14 yrs.iwe met 3 months after my divorce and she was like a breadth of fresh air.she was passionate,loving and very caring.in all that i experienced short bursts of anger and verbal abuse but overlooked it after sincere apologies everytime it happened.she always got very angry when things dindnt go her way or when finances were low.after every outburst she would scream divorce.after 10 yrs of marriage she finally left to be with her family 500 miles away.her family encouraged her to leave me saying i gave her this mental illness.3 mnths later she returned full of remorse and promises to be better. this went on approx every 8 to 10 months leaving and returning altogether 7 times in the past 4 years.2 days ago we had an argument about finances again and she has decided to leave.she now feels she has employment so she does not need me.” called me a loser,sly person,f….in useless and many words.this would make me feel very useless as in the past and wondered if any other women would want me.im finding it very hard to let go as i love her with all my heart.we have no kids together.i have 2 girls which are 21 and 22 yrs old and independant.she has three girls of which the 16 year old is living with us and also showing signs of bpd.my wife has attempted suicide twice,both after an argument and her daughter had cut herself with and razor blade and received stitches in hospital.
After spending 3 years with a now 35 year old borderline, I have been blessed with a beautiful 2 year old son, but the mom is crazy. Her routine is a predator hunting down new men, and placing her sexual hook in them within 60 days. And then the sex never ends. You think you are in heaven when after a while, it is hell in disguise.
I am the fourth different man she has a child with. Rageaholic is the best description. I was arrested twice, had to go through family court to see my son, and even after court established guidelines have been set, she is still resistant.
$14,000 later, my career in limbo, my family alienated, her sexual hyoeractivity now has her with a new man, 60, as when she is done using the men in her life, she literally has other men on the hook so as to never be alone.
Her outer beauty is the devil in disguise. I am 62, another dad is 65, one is a man of color 41, and the last is of Spanish decent, is 38 and is in prison on drug charges for another 7 years. And no one knows what happened, but more likely her disdain for the law put him there.
She has no sense of empathy, lies about everything, and controls all men by getting them into bed and using the push pull psychological treatment to keep them around.
Best I can say is, when all they talk about is themselves, are grandiose, always trying to be thinner, wear revealing clothing, use physical violence as negotiating tools, and must win at everything, it is time to run gentleman.
She cannot and will not change. Get a blood test, find a place to go, and find a friend to help you go through the release you will need to remove the tentacles of narcisisstic behavior that will eat at you until you decide to heal.
This is about emotional control, and will use it on everyone to get her way. God Bless on your finding the true love in your life. Which is you, self respect, and your family.
RUN!!!!!!!
I cant believe this is something others have expierienced, and how every single circumstance mentioned ,has been my life for over 10 years ,I keep hoping that someday she will finally click , and change how things are and finally realize how harsh it is to treat someone this way . I often wonder why i can`t force myself to stop and say “hey if you cant love and be a person who feels ,and cares then im gone” but i always bite my tounge , i just widh ther was a way to make her stop and to give back even a third of what i do.. thanks for giving me a feeling of hope ,and sight of relief,
My sister found your website and now just about everyone in our family has tuned in as we try to support her son who is going thru what is described in your website. It has helped us all to understand what he is going thru and why he feels so helpless. It has also helped relieve my nephew of some of the guilt he carries for not being “man enough” to stay in his marriage with this very sick young woman who has verbally abused him for the entire ten years they’ve been married. In our church he is constantly told that he needs to pray more, repent, do this, do that…all of which he has tried but to no avail…. If he needs to do these things so should his soon to be ex-wife, but she doesn’t have anything to repent of she says. She has continually esmaculated this guy until his sense of worth has plummeted to the very bottom. He is socially astute, physically fit, good looking in a Mark Paul Gosselar way, he is witty, he is smart, he works hard (two jobs to try to keep up with massive credit card debt she rings up “because she will not be deprived of what she needs.”) And saddest of all, is that their two children, a 7 yr old boy and 5 year old girl talk to their dad like their mother does. Thank you for all the wise commentary and comments…..so helpful!
hi i was reading your link and fully understand where you are coming from we have watched our son go through the same thing for the last ten years and it is heartbreaking, yet he stays in this marrage for the children. the other day he turned up at our place with blood from his head where she smashed him with an object over the head. i was so angry and upset for him, yet didnot let it show, as in the past it has come back on us. its like if we say something he then blames us, so we say nothing, which is so hard as he is dieing inside slowly and i have know idea how to help him. he has left seveal times yet end back up with her and with in a few days it starts again. he was the best provider to his family. now he doesnt even have a job. she got a pay out last year and brought herself a nice car, his car which used to be in great condision now is off the road and she has smashed objects over it causing heaps of damage and he has no money to fix it up. she wont allow him to drive her car so he has to walk everywhere. it is so sad as he used to be a hard worker a great provider and he always made sure his bills were paid, now its the total oppersite he has nothing and is in dept he payed all her bills and has nothing for himself. what do we do