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Dr Tara J Palmatier_Shrink4Men_02

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Are you in an abusive relationship and in need of support? Have you recently ended a toxic relationship and don’t understand what happened? Do you think you may have been the victim of narcissistic abuse? Or, involved with a borderline? Are you at your wit’s end going through a high-conflict divorce and custody battle? Does the information you’ve read on Shrink4Men resemble snapshots from your life and intimate relationships? Are you determined to have healthier relationships in the future?

If so, I’ve been providing individual counseling services via telephone, Skype and Facetime to adults seeking support, understanding and healing from emotionally abusive relationships with narcissists, addicts and other personality disordered individuals since 2009. I also work with friends and family members who have become estranged from a loved ones involved with abusive partner.s Altogether, I’ve worked in the mental health field for over 24 years and counting in a variety of therapeutic milieus including substance abuse, college counseling and inpatient treatment for the chronically and acutely mentally ill.

My academic credentials include a PsyD (Psychology Doctorate) in Clinical Psychology from Antioch New England conferred in 2005, a MSc (Master of Science) in Counseling Psychology conferred in 1996 from Gannon University and a BA (Bachelor of the Arts) in Psychology and Art Therapy conferred in 1994 from Mercyhurst College. My doctoral dissertation, Ce ci n’est pas une these, is a psychoanalytic study of the artist Rene Magritte that focuses upon childhood trauma, incomplete mourning and creative outcomes. In addition to my academic training and clinical experiences, I’m an adult child of a narcissistic parent and a codependent parent. Like many of my clients, I’ve had adult relationships in the past with abusive individuals who exhibited traits of narcissism and borderline personality disorder.

My practice combines a variety of cognitive behavioral and psychodynamic techniques along with practical advice, problem-solving, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. My style tends to be more active and direct than traditional psychotherapies. When a client’s safety, children’s safety and emotional well-being is at stake, clear communication is essential. To be otherwise would be grossly negligent.


What are the benefits of distance counseling or telecounseling?

There’s the convenience of meeting from home, place of work, your car or  local park — anywhere you can receive telephone signal or Wifi. I once worked with a man from his gardening shed. For many individuals in abusive relationships, the most dangerous time is when you’re contemplating ending the relationship. Many abusers are extremely threatened when their targets practice self-care.

By meeting from work or while you’re running errands, you can get the help you need without alerting your abusive wife, husband, girlfriend or boyfriend that you’re working with a therapist. It can also be difficult finding a therapist who understands personality disordered individuals and the trauma many people sustain from relationships with them. This is especially important for male victims as many mentally health professionals make excuses for and enable female abusers.

Who are your clients?

Men and women in abusive relationships with individuals who have been diagnosed with or exhibit personality disorder traits, particularly the Cluster B disorders (i.e., narcissists, borderlines, histrionics, psychopaths and sociopaths); adult children of narcissistic, borderline and other mentally ill parents; adults experiencing workplace bullying; men and women embroiled in high-conflict divorce and custody cases. Family members who have become estranged from a loved one who is married to or dating a narcissistic or borderline abuser.

Do you work with women?

Yes, I do. Abuse isn’t a gender issue; it’s a people issue. My writing focuses on male victims of abuse because men don’t have nearly as many support resources as female victims. Nevertheless, I’m happy to work with anyone regardless of gender, sexual orientation or religious beliefs who wants to heal and live abuse free.

What disqualifies someone as a client?

People who are psychotic, delusional, suicidal and/or in acute crisis aren’t good candidates for distance counseling. These issues require regular, in person monitoring. I also don’t work with personality disordered individuals. If you have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, please seek support from a local qualified DBT practitioner.

How does telephone or Skype counseling work?

If you have a telephone or a computer it’s easy. If you’re unfamiliar with Skype, it’s an instant messaging app that provides online text message and video chat services. It’s free to download and typically very simple to install and use. If you wish to have a video session, you’ll need to install Skype on a device or computer that has a camera. I’m also happy to use Facetime or Google Hangouts, which are, respectively, Apple’s and Google’s versions of Skype.

Do you work with people outside the United States?

Yes, I work with people all over the world. I’ve helped men and women in Canada, Mexico, South America, the UK, Europe, China, Singapore, Hong Kong, Japan, Australia, Fiji, New Zealand, the Middle East, Africa — if you have a telephone or Internet connection and speak English, I can work with you.

What about payment?

I accept payment via PayPal. You don’t have to be a registered PayPal member to use the platform. There’s an option to pay by credit card without the registration requirement of sharing your bank account details, which I understand many people prefer not to do.

How will the transaction show up on my credit card statement?

Oftentimes, abusive wives and husbands are controlling, including financially controlling. They’re hypervigilant to losing control and potential abandonment. For the peace of mind and safety of my clients, my business isn’t incorporated under Shrink4Men. It will appear on your billing statements as a very anodyne sounding consulting business.

Do you accept insurance?

No, I don’t. I can provide you with an invoice to submit to your insurance provider. However, I cannot guarantee that they’ll reimburse you. As a solo practitioner, I simply don’t have the time to wrangle with insurance companies. Thus far, most clients who have submitted invoices to their providers have received reimbursement.

How do I schedule a session?

If you’d like to work with me, please send inquiries to and I’ll send my fees and other information.

Are sessions confidential?

Yes. I won’t release any information about you to anyone without your written and time-limited consent. The only exception to this is if you disclose that you’re planning to harm yourself or someone else.

How long are sessions and how often do we meet?

Sessions are a “therapeutic” hour, 50-55 minutes. Double sessions are available upon request. Initially, it’s preferable to meet once a week and then, based upon progress, transition to every other week or every three weeks. Understanding the financial constraints many people face, particularly when divorcing, we can meet at a level of frequency that makes sense for you.

Do you do couples or family sessions?

Yes, however, I only work with adults and supportive family members. This includes new spouses or partners who are also dealing with the high-conflict antics of an abusive ex. In my opinion, it’s neither advisable nor safe to do couples therapy in a relationship in which there’s ongoing abuse.

What type of issues do you typically address in sessions?

My work with clients covers a wide range of issues.

  • Overcoming codependency and other issues that make you vulnerable to narcissistic abuse.
  • Identifying and understanding abusive personality disordered behaviors in your partner, family members, colleagues and friends to help facilitate your healing.
  • Validation that perhaps you’re not “the crazy one” or that it’s not “all in your head.”
  • Understanding the dynamics of personality disorders and other abnormal behaviors and how they affect intimate relationships, so you can make the most informed and reality-based decisions possible.
  • Understanding the dynamics and long-term effects of abuse.
  • Understanding and dismantling your buttons, by which your partner manipulates, controls and abuses you.
  • Understanding your family and childhood experiences that make you susceptible to abusive individuals and bullies.
  • Developing strategies and coping skills such as detachment and boundary setting if your relationship is ongoing.
  • Exploring the option of divorce and developing strategies to navigate the family law system.
  • Developing strategies and coping skills such as detachment and boundary setting post-break-up or post-divorce.
  • Dealing with affects of parental alienation.
  • Instituting and maintaining a No Contact (or Low Contact if there are shared minor children) policy.
  • Teaching BIFF (brief, informative, firm, friendly) communication when you’re required to communicate with a high-conflict ex.
  • How to effectively use third party communication platforms like OurFamilyWizard.
  • Grief and trauma issues; breaking the trauma bond many victims share with their abusers.
  • Mourning the loss of the relationship and letting go.
  • Learning to recognize the warning signs of potentially abusive and/or personality disordered women and men.
  • Learning how to avoid the traps set by emotional predators and bullies.
  • Support for family members who have lost their son, brother, nephew, cousin, father or grandson to an abusive partner who has isolated him and cut off contact with him and his children (if applicable).
  • Support and strategies for girlfriends and wives of men whose former partners were abusive and/or personality disordered and step-parenting issues.

This list is by no means exhaustive, but is typical of the work I do everyday with clients. To get started please send inquiries to I look forward to working with you!



If you find the information I provide free of charge helpful and valuable here on Shrink4Men, please consider making a donation via PayPal.


  1. paul jessop
    June 24, 2017 at 1:57 am

    Hello Dr.
    I’ve contacted you before, but was under financial scrutiny by the court in Devorce trial before so I could not move forward with you..I was married 25 years. Devorced last sept. .5 kids. 25girl 24 girl 19 girl, 17 boy 14 girl. My Ex used professional victemhood on me for years. Even ran a known maneuver with projective identification tactics to drive me out of my own house upon our separation. Cut to the chase, it’s now been almost 2 years sence that maneuver, and I’ve not seen the older children sence then. she controlled and filtered the way the kids see and relate to me. She was a constant helicopter any trine I tried to teach or explain something to them. And now She claims single breadwinner parent to kids friends and family while in truth she almost wrecked me in court, and I pay her the bulk of what she takes in a month.. I am just devistated . Near suicidal at times to be shunned by my kids. I am weary of the financial burden I pay to her throne of ingratitude. I send messages and gifts to all kids. I do not force custody upon the 2 youngest as I’ve felt that would not help. She parades about passing out a book on how to rid yourself of the narcissist inyour life. She’d naught and studied hundreds of books never even buying with her own money! on how to spot and deal with a narsasistic person. she never ever worked for 25 years but claims me a deadbeat. She tried to force me to pay 10,000 a month alimony and tried to assasinate my business at the same time.. She kept something she calls a journal of offense. For the whole 25 year marriage. But portrayed me as the grudge holder. She was sexually and physically abused as a child but was adimant that I get phsycological help for my un eventful childhood and how to heal from it. Ironically our female Delivery Dr of our first 2 kids. A 30 year friend to us both, said she felt my X showed signs of borderline behaviors.. I wish I understood all that. It sure made me out to be the crazy one for years to my kids. I felt like my head was going crazy.
    I’m telling you all this hoping that it lays some helpful groundwork. I am so angry now. So angry. I truly want to just be dead. No connection to family. Begging for scraps at the door and paying homage to her throne.
    I want tools to understand what I’m dealing with! I want to know how to cut free of my ungrateful judgemental children and move on with my life somehow. I want to be free of the unhealthy love and desire for connection and recognition from them. I know your fees and I want to get started soon if you have time and space for that.

  2. L C
    July 7, 2016 at 5:31 am

    I brought my wife from Mexico to Detroit about 8 years ago. We have one child who we both adore. My child also adores me and my wife. I am a bit of a softy with him and she is a lot tougher. In the end the child isn’t really the issue. However, she does tell me that I “ignore and don’t even know my child” which is so untrue, since I spend almost every free hour from work with my child and take him with me shopping, to my parents, on little vacations etc. Ill admit I don’t take him to the park as much as she does, but there is no way I could be considered a “absent father”. Whenever I do go out alone with friends I always give her at least a weeks notice. One time I went on an overnight weekend with my friend and she ended up threating to call my friends wife to say that we were involved in a “gay” relationship which is completely untrue. Today we were on our way to the movies and I was trying to sneak out of the house to leave him with his grandparent. When I got in the car she snapped and said I never answer my phone (which can be true) but I ALWAYS answer her calls if the phone is with me. She began to scream at me and hit me . I told her to let me out of the car and she yelled , in her own language, “Faggot”. She hates my sister, who really never did a thing to her. My sister’s worst crime is being shy. When I go to help my elderly parent who is dying of cancer and dementia. Even though there is no real emergency.She always calls me to say that I NEED TO GET HOME ASAP. Even my own mom is starting to catch on. I NEVER NEVER complain about my wife to my family . In fact I always try to protect her. She does do good things like keep our house clean, I admit I am a bit of slob. However, I work and have always supported our family. She says she does everything for me and I do nothing. When I remind her I support the family with my money, she says that that isn’t anything “special”. I have spent all of my pre marriage savings and I have put 32k in debt of credit cards. I even used to send her mom 200 dollars a month until it got to difficult. I pay ALL OF OUR BILLS, When she works she does help, but I worry if one day I lost my job she would have 100 percent control of my life.
    Today she took my phone and physically grabbed it from my hand and threw it in the garbage and said ” I dont’ deserve it” or some words to that effect. She gets super pissed if I communicate with any woman (BTW I HAVE NEVER CHEATED OR EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT IT). Yet she keeps contact with her old boyfriends and men she knows ( I think it is innocent), but it is a double standard in my opinion. Today she said my parents sickeness is my problem not hers. We have many nice times together, but it is the classic eggshells problem. I start to worry when the next explosion is going to come.

    Again, I am in no way perfect and I do tend to be on the lazy side. However, nor is she. Yet she blames me for all of her mistakes and has forced me to ask for some things in writing so she doesn’t suddenly forget the details. I don’t like to go out and drink since I have been a parent. She goes out a lot, ans sometimes just goes out without even telling me in advance. I honestly don’t care, but she goes nuts if I do things without prior permission. She can go out until 2am, but if I spend a few extra hours at my parents house, she is on the phone or texting me. Yelling on the phone, right in front of my mom….which is very embarrassing for me and hurtful. She refuses to let my son stay with my sister, but she has no problem letting her family watch my son. I am at a point of frustration and fear. I am about 100 pounds bigger than she is, but I am scared of her. I have never so much as lightly slapped her. If I have ever been verbal, it is in defense. I don’t like to fight and yell. I think it is bad for our son. I don’t know if I want to continue being married. I am scared if I do separate of divorce she will go after my family verbally or even take my son away from me or back to Mexico. Today she took my car (which I was given as a gift from my family) and basically said it was now hers . I can’t call it stealing, but almost like a school yard bully saying that he is now the owner of your bike.

    She is my wife, and I think I love her. But someone who loves you doesn’t call you maricon, lazy, boring, and egoistisical. She doesn’t like mistakes …she says my son is basically hers, because I don’t do anything. My son adores me, and I know it.

    Everyone I know has said that I am a nice person. They admit I am lazy and a little messy. However, she has said that they don’t know the REAL me and that I am just a spoiled egotistical person.

    Any advice will be awesome. I know I have to change, but I can’t live with a time bomb. Her physical abuse is rare, but she does hit me and defintely there is verabal abuse.
    Just writing this all down has given me some relief and help clean my soul.

    I makes me sad because I thought I loved her, and I think she loves me. But I don’t know if can go on. I am a sensitive person who cries and when I see my son sometimes I start to cry when these things happen. He is so innocent and I can see it is starting to destroy him. I don’t know if she means what she does, but I am becoming islolated from my family, many of my friends and in some ways my old self!


  3. Chris
    January 16, 2016 at 10:55 pm

    Hi.. My girlfriend has PTSD and things are going horribly. EVerythings my fault and by no means is nothing but I’ve gotten to the point that I feel I need to get out.. But when I do she screams, breaks things and as of recently she has been hurting me physically if I say anything .. She threatens to kill herself as well, I don’t know what to do anymore… The thought of just killing myself has even passed my mind because then I’d be free. I’m living at her parents house with her but her parents are gone for weeks on end and are only back for a day at most in-between, if I leave there is no one around to look after her… I don’t know what to do

  4. Daniel
    March 23, 2015 at 4:11 am

    Dr. T.
    I have been married now for almost 9 yrs, and have always been baffled how personal responsibility seems to be a foreign concept to my spouse. She also gets extremely verbally abusive when ever anything doesn’t go how she wants it. I have been called a basterd, an ass, etc etc. Then it is my fault when it doesn’t go her way. Like everyone, I know I have my faults and I haven’t been perfect in the relationship. It just gets so tiring feeling like no matter what I do it isn’t enough, and that she can do what she wants and there is always a reason why it is okay for her.
    I actually found your site while doing a search for, “Nothing I do is good enough for my wife” as that is how I feel.
    Example, if I try and help out when one of my kids isn’t listening, she stops me and says she can handle I stay out of it. A different time one of my kids isn’t listening or obeying, so I stay out of it cause she has it, then she gets mad at me because I’m not helping her out.
    I am not sure if she actually has these issues or if I am just trying to find a way to tell myself I am not as horrible as she constantly tells me.

  5. David Leda
    February 17, 2015 at 3:37 pm

    She is controlling you and trying to stonewall. A little crazy, a lot evil . . . if you are still living with her, move out and put anything valuable into a secure storage locker until the divorce is sorted out. Take back your life and your control and get on with being happy and productive
    I dumped my wife after 17 years of hellish nasty crap and I am 2 years into it, met and am living with someone who is caring, kind, productive and supportive . . . it happens but only if you make a move and move on

    • Marcus
      February 17, 2015 at 5:05 pm

      Thank you David, Sound advice I’m sure. My only concern is that I have been told on more than one occasion during legal consultations not to move out and I am reluctant to put a legal foot wrong as God knows she can seemingly twist any situation to her advantage. Having said that I am putting distance between us without actually taking a second property so maintaining the marital home as my primary residence by travelling, visiting family etc. It’s good to know things have gone well for you, hope for us all…

  6. Marcus
    February 17, 2015 at 11:30 am


    I am wondering if anyone has any advice. I am going through a divorce with a woman who I believe would match pretty much any of the descriptions detailed above. I’m too exhausted to go through any details as I think I would be typing all week once I started cataloguing the appalling behaviours. I live in England, have no children and have been trying to divorce my wife now for 6 months after 7 years of hellish marriage. My wife simply will not engage with the process and has still to arrange a solicitor. For months she claimed she wouldn’t involve a ‘thieving solicitor’ as they’re all ‘crooks’. A dig at my darling niece who is a topflight final year law student. However, once I had the papers served in person by my solicitor, she ignored the copies sent through the mail, she started to claim I was trying to force / rush her into proceeding without legal advice. This was 4 weeks ago and still no representation. In fairness she cites a minor financial matter as her reason for inaction but this is now resolved and would have formed part of the final divorce settlement anyway.
    Reading this back it all seems a bit tame but whilst this is dragging on I am still expected to provide Valentines presents, holidays, nights out etc. I don’t meet these requirements but pay the price on an hourly basis of character assassination, vile behaviour and emotional blackmail. My wife works part-time, though for a large part of our marriage wouldn’t work, and expects equal shares in all assets, most of which were acquired before I met her.
    I am at the end of my tether and would appreciate any advice.
    Many Thanks

  7. Matt
    January 19, 2015 at 12:35 pm

    I was living with the love of my life. We made all sorts of plans together. We both had lots of pain to deal with that interrupted our lives. I spent many nights at her side and bringing her to the hospital when she had pains. Eventually the sweet loving girl she was to me started changing. I could not make her smile anymore. I was so stressed at work and when I got home. She told me once she had a personality disorder before the end. I was stubborn and told her how it’s all within herself to overcome it. She argued that’s impossible, that is why it’s a disorder. It wasn’t until after we had a tragic breakup that I started hearing things about her from the friends we made. She was saying and doing things that were not the girl I was with every day. She had become someone completely out of control and out for her own survival. I swore to love and protect her always when we were together. Now I understand better why she is putting herself through so much chaos. She must really feel like there is nothing she can do about it, so why should she care anymore? All we can do is take the happy moments we could share with girls like this, and appreciate how it was while it was good, and move on while she explores another side of herself. I thought I could save her, and the more I tried in the end, the more distant and uncaring she became. All the while blaming me with very vague assumptions to make her exit easier for herself.

  8. Dustin
    December 12, 2014 at 11:44 pm

    I just can’t take it anymore, I’ve always been a positive person, but she has slowly stolen that characteristic from me. I feel like I’m slowly dying. I have always supported her and our daughter finantually and have underwent constand ridicule from her because of my long work hours. Recently we decided that I would quit my job (a career of over 15 yrs) and stay at home while she pursuits her career. Now she constantly calls me worthless and complains cause my income was about 5x what hers is and we are now broke.Yet when I worked she never properly took care of the house hold chores, bills, meals ect. Now that I am responsible for the household it is spotless, bill managed properly, and my daughter is on a normal schedule, yet she constantly criticizes me. I can’t say anything to her without an all night fight, I’m not allowed to have friends or a facebook page and constantly get accused of cheating. This accusation is completely unjustified!! She has NEVER caught me talking to, messaging, or even looking at another woman. Yet she is allowed to have a facebook page, go out to the bar and what ever else she wants to do, it’s just not worth the fight trying to reason with her. What can I do?? All I want is her to treat me as I treat her!!

  9. Elton Smith
    November 12, 2014 at 6:46 am

    Hi Dr Palmatier
    I have found your website really helpful in dealing with what I thought was a pretty emotionally abusive short relationship. I sometimes question myself as I broke it off. Was it that bad? Did I do the right thing etc etc. should I contact her? I was wondering maybe if I need some counselling with you. It was a while ago and am struggling to move on

  10. Melanie Baxter
    October 29, 2014 at 12:51 am

    I am a woman involved with and engaged to a woman with BPD. Unfortunately, this is not my first relationship with a Borderline and the one prior to my current relationship was with a woman who had NPD among others. I am crazy in love with my fiancé but the whirlwind of emotions is crazy making, abusive and so damn difficult. I’ve been reading books on bpd again, but this time I have ptsd from all of the abuse I’ve endured. I can’t seem to just shut my mouth with this one. I want to defend myself or speak my mind and it only gets me into more trouble. Every argument has been based on a ridiculous scenario and I’m always the one to blame. My adoptive mom had bpd and i just attract them. This relationship is either outstanding or hell!! I’m always to blame! It’s hard not to take that personally. I feel stressed. I completely support my fiancé emotionally and monetarily. She doesn’t work and is usually in bed. I don’t get treating your soul supporter and the only person you have that gives a damn, like this! I’m so tired of crying. At the same time, I want to work through this, but I know my chances are slim to none. What do I do?


  11. December 30, 2013 at 5:06 pm

    Dr. Tara,

    I have a question regarding BPD and stress.
    Is there any relationship between some aspects of BPD and stress?
    I have been involved for the past 5 years in a very tumultuous relationship.
    We are both in our 40’s and have no children.
    The fact that neither of us have children is probably the main reason I have stayed with her for so long.
    The problem as far as I can see is that she is emotionally immature and at times can be very irrational in her thinking and has exhibited some emotional issues from day one that aren’t reflective of someone her age but someone with the emotional development of a teenager.
    It has taken me years to arrive at this diagnosis of her, though I knew something was wrong very early on.
    But what I have observed is that stressful situations seem to be what she has the most problems with.
    She has very poor conflict resolution skills and all of our fights or arguments end up being worse than need be because she can’t seem to control her reaction to how she percieves criticism or just someone being upset with her.
    At times I can’t believe I have invested so much time in this relationship with someone that drives me crazy like she does.
    The draw is that when she’s happy and content, we have the most loving relationship.
    And we truly enjoy each others company.
    I don’t know what to do…..

  12. Tim
    December 10, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    I am in tears now. Tears of Joy! I am so tired of this screwed up society having a double standard its crazy! For years I have been hearing that there is no excuse for a man acting angry when a woman hits him or verbally abuses him. I just had a huge argument becuase My wife believes she can be judgmental and tell me I dont feel what I say I feel. She is constantly telling me I dont care because when something goes wrong I dont go off the deep end like she does; Then she goes on technology stealth selectively answers texts and then will come home and speak to the kids and wont say a word to me. She barks out orders like one day the tire on the car went flat and I did not replace it when she thought it should she accused me of trying to put her in danger. I replaced it then when she thinks we are going to starve she puts on this anger show, pouting and accusing me of being lazy cause I dont work over time or take voluntary ot. She consistently ignores the fact that after working 12 hours I have to take her to work, wake up the kids and get them off to school and I have one in elementary school and two in middle school which means by the time I get some sleep I get 5 before I have to got and pickup the little one and go get her from work and then have to run to get my job on time for another 12. Its demoralizing.

  13. December 6, 2013 at 6:00 am

    After almost 2 years of marriage, and only 4 months of living together i think my wife is BPD,
    I have to admit that i’ve taken the divorce decision at least 100 times, and actually did it twice but got remarried, before I heard about BPD i was always questioning myself what am I doing wrong, she caused me a lot of family problems and had terrible fights with almost everyone, my mother and both sisters, I started to fight with my family (never happened in 35 years, and thats how old i am) as we always been very close family, but the moment she got into my life problems rises, i have 3 kids from my previous marriage and oh my god I cannot tell you the arguments and fights we got into because of my ex and kids, despite all my family advises i decided to go one and we moved together (i have to mentioned that I’m originally from Egypt and lives in the US, she is Egyptian who never been outside the country and just got here 4 monthes ago)
    She always blames me for things, accusing me of changing my mind and plans and being moody, I’m a software engineer and very logical by nature, I never been able to talk LOGICALLY with her, she scream and yell and get violent for nothing and if she realize its a pitty reason she always claim that something i have done months back still giving her pressure, she is always the victim who sacrificed everything to be with me, I’m a guy who never loses his temper, but she she got me there, i remember back in Egypt I had to jump from the moving car while she was driving just to avoid her, she ran after me in street begging me to come back, she locked the apartments door and hid the key when I told her I’m leaving, she let me go couple of times but always make calls and fight over phone, she literally is BDP (she tried to kill herself few years back, and been into over 8 relationships none of them worked, and lost almost 10 friends over the years claiming they were bad people where she was good to them)
    Last night she was fighting with me coz i do wake up at midnight (in the past 5 days) and dont sleep until 3AM, and she cannot go to sleep because of me, complaining and yelling TV is too loud (I got TV volume 2/50 where i cant hear it, but she could from bedroom) and when her brother got involved into the fight over the phone i told him i have some stress thats why im up at night she accused me of thinking of my Ex!!!!
    She was yelling and arguing with me today while I got her cousin on the phone, she told me to look up BDP, and BOOM, i couldnt believe myself, my wife is REALLY BDP, even the fact she was neglected when she was young, my wife lived by herself from the age 9 to 15 and was not taken care of by her parents.
    I moved here to build a better future for myself and my family, and since I knew her I’ve been spending a lot of money to please her, to be with her but none of this ever mentioned, I did put myself into big risk by going back to Egypt and be with her (risk of losing my job and residency in the US) but whatever this issue is brought up as evidence of my love she always neglect it, she doesn’t think that is good enough and she isn’t suppose to be “my slave” coz i took that risk. I’m afraid she might call the cups and come up with any story and that would destroy my career.

    I’m working on getting a divorce and send her back to Egypt, but my weakness point is lonesome, I cant be alone for too long, and I cant be with a woman or a girl just to bypass time, I must take my time to like and love her, and between living with her and being alone, I chose to be alone, but it hurts.

  14. Tom
    July 17, 2013 at 6:05 am

    only thing worse than a psycho bitch is a psycho bitch that holds a fathers love ransom, cant begin to express the raw hatred i feel for my ex wife

  15. James
    June 1, 2013 at 12:08 am

    Get out!!! You are a people pleaser like me! I had kids with one my life is ruined we are divorced but its still ruined. Go through the pain of seperation/ your abandoment issues or she will drive you into crazy thinking land!!!
    I swear run snd dont look back!!!!

  16. BigGreen
    May 31, 2013 at 9:15 am

    I am tired… so tired, I come from stress at work to more stress at home day after day, yesterday she blew up because I asked her if her can of cola is finished? i meant wtf??! today she is dead silent, giving me hateful looks and when she talks is to insult me or call me names.

    She is the craziest person I know other than myself, because inspite of all of that I love her for a reason I dont understand, I dont want to miss her when she is gone, I dont want to have to worry about her if she is ok or hurt if she is happy or sad.

    even our sex life is shit, once a month, twice if i am lucky, we have been married for 6 years and I am in my late 20’s (she is about same age, a bit younger), before we got married we used to do it twice a day easy. the min that ring went on her finger it cut out the circulation to her sex drive it seems.

    Why can’t I let go? why do I care about someone who is so cruel, disrespectful, negative, angry and so selfish?
    sometimes I feel like just jumping from the highest floor and have all this end, maybe she will be happier if i die…but i am not crazy so i wont really consider doing that, its just very strong feelings to do so that i will never act on… I miss my family, I miss my friends, I miss being happy and not worried and stressed everyday even on weekends.

    a part of me wants out sooooo bad, but another is still in love with her good side (when she is not crazy), i just cant let go and i dont know why or how… i just feel the need to care for her and protect her even on my own expense.

    I went on a work trip for a week (first time we are apart for that long since we were married) every day I woke up without her and came home without her felt so beautiful, so serene i hadn’t felt that good for seven years, but then the last two days of the week felt horrible, I just really missed her… and when i came back she was the most loving I ever seen her (lasted a day) and I even got a BJ (before marriage it was something very regular, now it happened 2 times in our entire marriage)… next day back to hell on earth

    why am i so messed up? how can I be better and let go? is there any hope for me?

    • Trout Deal
      December 30, 2013 at 7:39 am

      I could have written this about my wife, but I’m only 3 years in and the sex is still fantastic though not as organic and natural or romantic as I’d like, it’s more like she’s acting and sometimes I long for that real connection and spontaneity. Costumes are cool but I’d like my wife back please. :)
      Lining up with my worst fears, the good times are becoming fewer with more fighting in between. We have had the same argument for 3 years. It goes like this. Me: you seem distant lately. (Text from dude shows up on her phone while she’s sleeping and I look) Me: it hurts me when you tell these dudes I beat you, drain your bank, don’t want to raise our daughter, and you’re unhappy. Why would you lie? Her: You hack into my private business and take everything out of context. You’re such an a–hole. Me: I’m an asshole because I caught you telling your ex your p–sy thinks about him all the time???
      Like seriously, and the weirdest part is I know she doesn’t mean to do it, these guys have no clue about anything real, and it doesn’t even really bother me as much as it would in real life. It’s like I consider this relationship a dream now, where things don’t have to make sense and walking out would be a selfish act of dishonor and faithlessness. I swore that I loved her so much I’d never leave her no matter what. I know she has these issues and I try to conquer them by giving more than I have to give and now 3 years into it I’m realizing how much destruction has happened and considering leaving to save my gorgeous daughter. If I run and start a new, easier, calmer life, I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop thinking about how great it would have been if I worked through it with her and found the magic cure for this psychotic mess. It will never make sense to me. I can’t believe this is a real thing.

    • kingscroftexile
      February 6, 2014 at 3:51 pm

      Everything you’ve written could’ve been written by me , The last time mine blew up was because I started to make a cup of coffee before fixing her bedroom door instead of instantly sorting out her problem , I ended up walking out (we don’t live together but boy was (am? ) I under pressure to move her in . That was two months ago but she facetimed me last week but I didnt answer , I spend half my life hating her and the other half missing her…….If she hasn’t got BPD im the pope!

  17. Rick M
    May 12, 2013 at 1:49 am

    I was married 36 years to a very difficult woman, self centered, had me on egg shells, guilt, manipulation, lies, vindictive, absolutly no empathy. She had us going to therapist after therapist to ‘fix’ me and in misguided attempts to make things better I readily admitted to anything she made up, . Only one therapist actually listened, probed and understood what was going on and confronted my wife. Every other therapist took her word for everything, her fake tears, stories, total bs. If after reading the testemonies on this site you think you are in a relationship with a bpd- run, cut of your arm if you have to but get out of the relationship. When I finally couldn’t take it I walked away from everything and only took what I could carry in my hands. At 56 years old seeing my life amount to nothing it is the most depressing place. I had a son that loved me, lived in a good neighborhood, had a good job- its all gone now. Try to get out before you spend your life trying to do the impossible. You have no idea how bad it can be.

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