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Posts Tagged ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’

Having Healthy Boundaries Ends the Relationship with a Narcissist or Borderline

August 1, 2017 1 comment

CrazyBusters_Narcissist CodependentWhy do victims of narcissists, borderlines, histrionics and psychopaths stay in abusive, toxic relationships well past the point of expiration? Even when they’re checked out, shell-shocked and empty? My clients often say they feel trapped in the relationship. Sometimes it has to do with children, and children do create logistical, albeit not insurmountable issues. So what’s the real trap?

You’d like to have boundaries and a healthier relationship, but here’s the rub. You can’t have a healthy relationship with someone who is personality disordered. That’s like trying to get sober while chugging Jack Daniels. If you decide to work on your codependency and become healthier, the narcissist or borderline’s dysfunction will seem more extreme.

This is due to the contrast between health and pathology. It’s also due to actual decompensation and escalation triggered by the borderline or narcissist’s perceived loss of control. The healthier you become, the less tolerable the narcissist and the relationship will become. In other words, you getting healthy most likely means the end of the relationship, which causes FOG — feelings of fear, obligation and guilt.

Fear. You’re afraid to be alone. You’re afraid you’ll never meet someone else, or that you’ll meet someone far worse. You’re afraid you won’t feel that same ZING! with emotionally stable women and men. If healthy, stable adults seem boring to you, that means you need to do some work on yourself. This is entirely within your power to do.

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Say Goodbye to CrazyWant to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women who trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.

 

 

 

 

Should You Trust an Apology from a Narcissist or Borderline?

August 1, 2017 2 comments

Narcissist or borderline apologizes should you break no contactThe first thing that comes to mind is Admiral Ackbar, “It’s a trap!”

The second thing that comes to mind is the expression, “A day late and a dollar short.” Or a pound short, a euro short, a franc short, a drachma short, a doubloon short — you get the idea.

But wait! narcissists, borderlines, psychopaths and other abusers don’t apologize, right? Yes and no.

Admitting wrong doing definitely isn’t the norm, but sometimes they mouth the words, “I’m sorry.” However, that doesn’t mean the narcissist is genuinely remorseful. Truly being sorry means the person who has harmed you:

1) Recognizes what they’ve done that is hurtful. For example, lying to you, cheating on you, ridiculing you, etc.

2) Understands why it’s hurtful.

3) Feels bad about hurting you (this isn’t the same as feeling bad about being held accountable and experiencing consequences for being a shit).

4) Makes a conscious good faith effort not to hurt you in that way again.

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Donate to Shrink4Men HERE.

Say Goodbye to CrazyWant to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women who trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.

 

Narcissists, Borderlines, Codependents and Mutual Childhood Issues

March 15, 2017 5 comments

narcissist borderline mother.jpgMany men and women who have been in a relationship with a narcissist, borderline or psychopath describe taking a parental role in response to their disordered partner’s perpetually childish attitudes and behaviors. While this is superficially true, there’s much more to it.

Narcissists, borderlines, histrionics and psychopaths are immature. When you’re in a relationship with one of these personalities, you’re dealing with someone who is somewhere between a troubled toddler or a troubled teenager in terms of emotional and psychological maturity. Many of my clients who share actual children (under the age of 18) with narcissistic, borderline or sociopathic wives and husbands have watched as their children mature and and surpass their adult partners in terms of emotional and moral development.

If you entered into your relationship wanting an equal partner (a functional adult rather than someone who knows how to pretend to be a grown-up when practicing image management), you’ll eventually resent the parental role in which your disordered spouse thrusts you. In many cases, the targets of narcissists et al volunteer for this thankless position hoping things will magically change someday. This is especially true of people who have codependency issues. READ MORE.

Say Goodbye to CrazyWant to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women who trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.

How to Protect yourself from Narcissists, Psychopaths and Borderlines

February 20, 2017 3 comments

relationship-boundaries-03Are you a self-described crazy woman magnet or crazy man magnet? Have you dated one emotionally unstable, emotionally unavailable and psychologically stunted person after the next? Are the majority of your exes a museum of various personality disorders — narcissists, borderlines, histrionics, dependents, paranoiacs and psychopaths, oh my?

While your former love interests may indeed have been as nutty as the Planter’s Peanut factory, lightning rarely strikes the same place more than once. Therefore, it’s time to look at your role in what attracts you to and attracts Crazy to you. In most cases, it’s a lack of boundaries, a lack of self-respect, faulty relationship beliefs, attitudes and behaviors learned in childhood and being easily manipulated by guilt, obligation, fear and pity.

Pining for a woman or man who mistreats and abuses you and calling it love is, obviously, a problem. For that matter, someone who regularly disrespects and devalues you, who lies to you and cheats on you, who financially exploits you, who undermines you and erodes your self-esteem, who makes you feel invisible — does not love you. None of these things add up to love, and if you believe they do or make excuses for being treated so shabbily you’ve got some work to do.

In other words, it’s time to do some Crazyproofing. It’s kind of like babyproofing, but instead of making a residence safer for a baby or toddler you’ll be making it safer for you to be in relationships. How? READ MORE.

Say Goodbye to CrazyWant to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women who trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.

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Relationship Boundaries, Part 2

February 16, 2017 Leave a comment

relationship-boundaries-02Do you have a pattern of dysfunctional and toxic relationships? Don’t despair. If you’re codependent and not personality disordered (e.g., narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, sociopathic or psychopathic) you can break this pattern. It probably won’t be as easy or fast as you’d like, but it can be done. Change, even when it’s desired, is often painful and difficult. That’s why it’s called growing pains.

Basic Relationship Boundaries, Part 1 discusses the importance of reciprocal relationships, personal boundaries and not enabling other people’s abusive behavior. Before you can have a healthy relationship, it’s helpful to understand how and why you’ve gotten yourself into trouble in past and present relationships.

Most people who have unhealthy relationship patterns can trace it back to their childhoods. If your parents didn’t teach you to take care of yourself and have healthy boundaries, which is true of many codependents, then you need to begin with the basics. Again, don’t beat up on yourself. How are you supposed to know how to do something if no one ever taught you? Or, worse yet, taught you to ignore your own needs and well-being in order to take care of them instead? How are you supposed to know what a functional relationship is when your parents modeled toxic and dysfunctional relationships?

If you were expected to take care of your mother’s and father’s emotional and physical needs as a child it was a role reversal. It’s called parentification and is a form of child abuse. Adults are supposed to take care of their kids, not the other way round. If you’re codependent, you basically have to learn how to care for and love yourself as an adult in the ways your parents did not and could not when you were a child. READ MORE.

Say Goodbye to CrazyWant to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women who trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.

In His Own Words: A Real Time Cry for Help

October 15, 2013 Leave a comment

abyssIt’s day 12 of Domestic Violence Awareness Month for Men and Boys. Today’s In His Own Words is a real time cry for help. Miguel has been involved with an abusive borderline personality disordered woman for 15 years. He is depressed and has thoughts of suicide.

To read, please follow this link:

In His Own Words: A Real Time Cry for Help

Shrink4Men Counseling, Coaching and Consulting Services

Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides confidential, fee-for-service, counseling, consultation and coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

In His Own Words: Princess Turns into a Poisonous Toad

October 7, 2013 1 comment

toad2It’s day 7 of Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Today’s In His Own Words is about a man who kissed a princess only to watch her turn into a poisonous toad. He thought he was marrying the woman of his dreams. In reality, she is the stuff of nightmares.

To read this story, please follow this link:

In His Own Words: Princess Turns into a Poisonous Toad

Shrink4Men Counseling, Coaching and Consulting Services

Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides confidential, fee-for-service, counseling, consultation and coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.