Having Healthy Boundaries Ends the Relationship with a Narcissist or Borderline

Why do victims of narcissists, borderlines, histrionics and psychopaths stay in abusive, toxic relationships well past the point of expiration? Even when they’re checked out, shell-shocked and empty? My clients often say they feel trapped in the relationship. Sometimes it has to do with children, and children do create logistical, albeit not insurmountable issues. So what’s the real trap?

You’d like to have boundaries and a healthier relationship, but here’s the rub. You can’t have a healthy relationship with someone who is personality disordered. That’s like trying to get sober while chugging Jack Daniels. If you decide to work on your codependency and become healthier, the narcissist or borderline’s dysfunction will seem more extreme.

This is due to the contrast between health and pathology. It’s also due to actual decompensation and escalation triggered by the borderline or narcissist’s perceived loss of control. The healthier you become, the less tolerable the narcissist and the relationship will become. In other words, you getting healthy most likely means the end of the relationship, which causes FOG — feelings of fear, obligation and guilt.

Fear. You’re afraid to be alone. You’re afraid you’ll never meet someone else, or that you’ll meet someone far worse. You’re afraid you won’t feel that same ZING! with emotionally stable women and men. If healthy, stable adults seem boring to you, that means you need to do some work on yourself. This is entirely within your power to do.

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Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women who trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.

 

 

 

 

Should You Trust an Apology from a Narcissist or Borderline?

The first thing that comes to mind is Admiral Ackbar, “It’s a trap!”

The second thing that comes to mind is the expression, “A day late and a dollar short.” Or a pound short, a euro short, a franc short, a drachma short, a doubloon short — you get the idea.

But wait! narcissists, borderlines, psychopaths and other abusers don’t apologize, right? Yes and no.

Admitting wrong doing definitely isn’t the norm, but sometimes they mouth the words, “I’m sorry.” However, that doesn’t mean the narcissist is genuinely remorseful. Truly being sorry means the person who has harmed you:

1) Recognizes what they’ve done that is hurtful. For example, lying to you, cheating on you, ridiculing you, etc.

2) Understands why it’s hurtful.

3) Feels bad about hurting you (this isn’t the same as feeling bad about being held accountable and experiencing consequences for being a shit).

4) Makes a conscious good faith effort not to hurt you in that way again.

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Donate to Shrink4Men HERE.

Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women who trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.

 

Narcissists, Borderlines, Codependents and Mutual Childhood Issues

Many men and women who have been in a relationship with a narcissist, borderline or psychopath describe taking a parental role in response to their disordered partner’s perpetually childish attitudes and behaviors. While this is superficially true, there’s much more to it.

Narcissists, borderlines, histrionics and psychopaths are immature. When you’re in a relationship with one of these personalities, you’re dealing with someone who is somewhere between a troubled toddler or a troubled teenager in terms of emotional and psychological maturity. Many of my clients who share actual children (under the age of 18) with narcissistic, borderline or sociopathic wives and husbands have watched as their children mature and and surpass their adult partners in terms of emotional and moral development.

If you entered into your relationship wanting an equal partner (a functional adult rather than someone who knows how to pretend to be a grown-up when practicing image management), you’ll eventually resent the parental role in which your disordered spouse thrusts you. In many cases, the targets of narcissists et al volunteer for this thankless position hoping things will magically change someday. This is especially true of people who have codependency issues. READ MORE.

Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women who trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.

Are You Codependent?

Are you codependent? If so, there are probably some things you have a tough time accepting about human nature and relationships. On the other hand, perhaps you’re not sure what codependent means, in which case, let’s begin with some basics.

Codependents need to be needed. They believe making oneself invaluable to another is the pathway to love. It isn’t. It’s the pathway to becoming a doormat, to being taken advantage of and to becoming a target of abuse. When someone loves you and you love them, you want to be with each other (interdependence). You don’t need to be with each other (dependence). The former is a mutual coming together. The latter is tinged with urgency and desperation.

Codependents may have difficulty being alone, feel unworthy of being loved and a fear of abandonment. A codependent will often sacrifice his or her needs and well-being to take care of others. However, they usually have a hard time asking others for help and support in return. READ MORE.

Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women who trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.