Lost and Found: Does Anyone Have an Ex-Borderline Girlfriend or Wife in the West Hempstead-East Northport-NYC Vicinity Whom You Told about Shrink4Men During the Break-Up?
Perhaps this is not the best way to go about doing this, but I’m a big believer in implementing consequences for crazy and malicious BPD behavior, so here we are. Beginning late last week, a woman, whom I assume is the former spouse or girlfriend of a man who frequents this site, began spamming my site with puerile comments in which she engages in name calling and other typical BPD verbal attacks against Shrink4Men readers/commenters and me.
None of these comments have been approved nor will they be approved because they’re nothing more than lame attempts to hurt my readers feelings and my feelings and they would only distract from the meaningful dialogue, sharing and support that takes place here. The irony is that her attacks don’t hurt my feelings. In fact, my thoughts are, “Gee, I can see why her ex broke up with her” and “I wonder how many texts and voicemails the poor bastard who was dating/married to her is getting everyday?” If anything, her spams only reinforce my beliefs about BPD and the information presented on this site.
Now, the reason I am posting this rather than something more productive: Gentlemen, if you believe this is your ex/gf/wife, please contact me and I will send you all of her spam comments with the date, time stamp and multiple IP addresses, so that you can include them as evidence of her unstable/stalker/harassment behavior in any pending divorce/restraining order cases. If need be, I have access to an Internet security expert who can trace pretty much anything directly to the source.
She has been spamming from multiple IP addresses. Over the weekend, most of the spams were posted from West Hempstead, NY and one from East Northport, NY at the end of the weekend. The most recent spam IP address traces back to New York, NY. My guess would be she has a summer place out on Long Island or family that she visited over the weekend and is back in the City now or perhaps she lives on LI and had to come into the city for something. In either case, if you suspect this is your ex and you would like some evidence of her unstable Borderline behavior, please send me an email and I’ll forward everything to you.
In closing, this is why it usually isn’t a good idea to tell your abusive wife/girlfriend ex about my site. You can certainly tell her you believe she’s abusive and possibly has a PD, but please don’t direct them to my website. It will gain you absolutely nothing. Plus, if you are planning to divorce, you do not want to give this kind of a woman a head’s up, which is what directing her to Shrink4Men will do. I understand the need for validation/vindication, but this is not the way to get it. The best way is to end the relationship, let go, get on with your life and have a healthy relationship with a kind, loving and stable woman. That is the best proof that “it was her” all along and not you.
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Shrink4Men 
Look… trap her email address and send her a really nasty computer virus. That’s the best advice I can give you.
I would NOT do that. It’s a serious crime.
Dr. T
You said the lady with the BPD/NPD behaviors might be in her 40’s. I am beginning to wonder if the research that borderlines tend to out grow their bad behaviors later in life has ANY merit whatsoever. My fiance’s Ex-wife is in her late 40’s and still has full blown Borderline behavior and appears to be deteriorating even further with age. He shares children with her and the things she does to her kids are beyond belief. For instance – Communicating on Facebook with one child by PRETENDING to be the other child. YES, back and forth communication pretending to be the other child. She apparently talked the child she is grossly enmeshed with into giving her login and password. Of course a huge blow-up happened when the child she was trying to deceive figured out that both her mother and sister had betrayed her trust. Like I said, the older she gets the worse she gets – on what planet does that behavior make sense. To top it off, the child she is enmeshed with said she understood why her mother needed her Facebook login and password in order to check up on the other child, she did say that she did not think her mother would PRETEND to be her and communicate with her sister. I have stopped trying to understand insanity. I do feel sorry for her children and I really don’t know whether to tell the kids that Mom is a Borderline or not. They are 15 and 19. My heart aches for both of them.
Found out this woman, if it is who the gentleman who contacted me believes it is, is actually in her early 50s. Mellow with age? Harrumph. From everything I’ve read and witnessed, they just become more entrenched in their ways as they age. Plus, if they were beautiful in youth, the aging process makes them all the more angry and delusional. Far as I can tell, these individuals are like Jack Russell terriers; they never mellow.
I think it depends on circumstances or maybe some other factors (genetic?). I’m pretty sure my mother is BPD but she’s approaching her 60s now and has mellowed a lot in the past decade. She might have finally had an epiphany when her children stopped talking to her almost completely.
I know a couple of other BPD candidates that are in their 40s and 50s that are still going strong or getting worse. Their behaviours are ever more erratic and self-destructive. The common element among them is that they are not forced to be accountable. Family keeps bailing them out and taking responsibility. They think they are helping but things just get worse.
My wife’s mother is unmistakably NPD. She’s mellowed in her early 60s, but I suspect it’s more to do with her being a widow and living alone than anything else, but who knows?
My husband had a friend from college who we moved next door to. I became friends with her and got to see life and relationships through her distorted reality, but didn’t know there was a name for it. Only later (we’d moved away) did a mutual therapist friend tell us she had BPD. Aging (she’s now in her 50’s) did make her more delusional and desperate. Having owned three terriers, I had to laugh at your analogy. It’s true. They NEVER mellow!
Well, I did send my wife the article 10 signs your wife is an emotional bully. But I certainly didn’t do it to be nasty. It’s “this is why our relationship hurts so much, please stop.”
My wife, quite clearly hasn’t spent much if any time here. However, she keeps doing all the behaviors. I don’t know. She really likes DBT and actually read the whole book “The High Conflict Couple.” When she does the things in the book, things really are better. But she really needs to be holding the book to keep from flying off into a rage or stomping off or rolling her eyes or turning her back to me or discounting, negating, etc. etc. etc.
Also, I’ve mentioned before that my wife has “cleared up” several times while on certain foods or therapies (oxygen therapy). It was really really weird and literally like talking to a different person. But it didn’t last.
I am glad the woman flaming Dr. T. may even have been identified. My wife has also said that this site spreads hatred between the sexes.
Since I’ve begun talking about accountability, fairness, abuse, etc., my relationship with my wife has gotten really really bad. Sometimes I wonder if maybe the strategy of not saying anything negative to your spouse (even: I don’t like being called names) may not yield a more pleasant result.
I’m glad to see you’re ok. It hurts me to hear about someone who has been so helpful to me get attacked by a woman like my ex. This is my comfort place and I hope my ex never hears about it.
Dr T, I agree most of your suggestions and comments. However, I have a very little objections here.
For a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship without any kids involved, I think the best way is to end the relationship and leave. However, for a marriage, which is a committed relationship, particular when there are kids produced in the relationship, I would rather say we should still try our best to cure the abusive partner and help them to get back to normal. When our effort was proven not working, we’ll choose to leave.
I think this will be a more responsible action a man can take. Some time it’s not for us, it’s for our kids.
James:
What are you referring to when you write ‘proven not working’?
I only ask because I believe many people on this site have the discretion to know they are being abused, but lack the ability to enforce boundaries to protect their own emotional health. In keeping with the spirit (and letter) of this collaborative website, here are the criteria I used for deciding to leave:
1. Her expectations were abusive – she unilaterally set unreasonable expectations of total control of our child.
2. Her behavior was abusive when challenged – physically violent, emotional acting out, silent treatment.
3. The options for influencing her abuse had been explored and rejected – no meaningful dialogue, no healthy support group, rejected option for dialogue mediated by unbiased mental health professional.
When all were met over a sustained period (3 months), despite having a child I initiated the dissolution of our marriage.
I tried my best. I still do. At last, after many years of processing, I have no regrets. It is not despite my experience but because of the lessons learned from my experience that I don’t have regrets.
In fact, I have even profited from the lessons learned (and hence my experience) – I have more emotionally satifying relationships (better father, redefined family role, upgraded friends and significant other) and more financial security (better job and better at job).
As for Dr.T, I don’t believe she has advocated immediate NO CONTACT for abusive relationships but she does understand that enforcing boundaries will most probably end up with minimal contact – NO CONTACT for the childless and NO INITIATED CONTACT AND DETACHED REACTIVE CONTACT for those with children !
I didn’t stay for my child. I left for my child who now has another place to feel safe in addition to hidden under a table while her mother has a tantrum.
Lighthouse
Lighthouse, your last two sentences say it all to me. My two children have both told me they believe they are better of now since my home is peaceful.
I guess my point is the following. If your partner is aware of her/his problem and she/he is willing to change, we should still keep trying. If not, that’s “proven not working.”
I always ask myself, have I tried my best? Is there anything I could do? For my kid? I had made numerous effort for about 1 year before I finally say to myself, I’ve done everything I could. It’s the time to move on.
I believe a fail in the marriage is never one person’s fault. I even can find myself having some BPD sign from myself described by Dr T (meaning, yes, sometime I was the person being emotional abusive.), but I am willing to acknowledge that and make a change on myself. However, I don’t see the same attitude from my wife and she accused that “everything is your fault. I have no problem at all.”
My wife and I share a son, now 3.5 years old. He has always been my first priority and unfortunately, my wife knows it and she clearly take advantage of it for her abusive purpose. In her mind, she believes that divorce with me will be the best way to upset me because she assume she can get custody by 100%.
She never aware of her abusive behavior and she told every one she’s 100% normal and I am the problem.(In fact, she’s nice to any other person.) After we separated, I let her take custody of my son because I want to avoid a fight, which could be harmful to my son. However, things are just getting worse. She blackmail me to ask me sign all kinds of agreement, or she will “assume you don’t want see your son anymore.” Here’s the better part, she did these all though email, (which means she knew it will be documented), and she’s not even thinking about that’s she’s doing any thing wrong.
Staying together often does more harm than good. A child is better off having at least ONE sane household to live in rather than being forced to live in a household of abuse and learn these bad behaviours. A child living with a cluster b parent will learn either to take after the cluster b or learn how to be like the abused and find him/herself being abused by an SO later in life. A parent needs to teach by example and show the child that cluster b behaviour is NOT acceptable.
I know where James is coming from because I’m in that boat. My wife has NEVER abused our children and what she does to me is quite mild compared to several posters here. I know the personality of my children still at home and feel it’s best for me to stay. Because of this site, the help of a dear friend and much introspection, I’ve also learned to navigate my wife’s mild BPD’ness.
However, I’ve also learned that “we should still try our best to cure the abusive partner” is inaccurate. At best we can support them IF they try to get help and try to change. In the meantime, we can cope.
I am bothered by the knee jerk reaction that kids can tell parents are having problems so therefore it’s best to divorce.
Several months ago, my oldest daughter, who is 22, called in tears about financial problems she and her fiance (now husband) had dug for themselves. Her fiance was being a butt head about it and she was worried that he’d leave, leaving her as a single mom (of my darling granddaughter.) At one point she said to me “I know you and mom have problems, but you don’t know how glad I am that you stayed together.”
That said; the moment I see any sign of the problems in my marriage negatively affecting my children still at home, I’ll end it and I think so will my wife (she’s never said it, but she still remembers how her own mother treated her and very consciously treats her children infinitely better.)
Your daughter doesn’t know what the alternative would have been like so her approval of you staying together doesn’t necessarily mean it was the best decision. In fact she’s now dealing with a husband that might leave her because of financial issues. Perhaps she made a poor choice in a husband. I don’t know the details though so I could be talking out of my ass on this one. Maybe your wife isn’t even BPD. I can tell you from experience though that my BPD mother fucked up all my self worth which led me directly into the hands of another BPD woman. Children learn by example and the only thing they learn about relationships when one of their parents is BPD is that relationships are inherently fucked up. They learn to take abuse or to abuse.
First, her FIANCE got off his high horse and became realistic about their finances.
Second, I do wish people on this site would stop assuming the worse about any marriage with difficulties. (And there are a few poster here who are, frankly, just as emotional abusive by self-admission as they claim their wives are.)
Finally, say one parent is sane and the other nuts, the assumption that the children will go with the sane parent, especially if male, is a HUGE assumption and most likely incorrect.
The only way my father-in-law pulled it off is that my mother-in-law had a established a criminal record DURING the marriage and didn’t call his bluff. I’ll wager that in 1975, she could have gotten at least joint custody had she chosen to fight.
(Not that my wife’s father was a bundle of joy. I thought so at first, but twenty years on, I think the guy’s an ass. He went out of his way to avoid responsibility as a parent with his older children and then lavished attention on the youngest while still ignoring his older children. Let’s just say he didn’t join the military just for adventure.)
“(And there are a few poster here who are, frankly, just as emotional abusive by self-admission as they claim their wives are.)”
I think there are few here who wouldn’t admit that, and I think Dr. T does address the “Stockholm Syndrome” that happens.
I fully admit to being a right bastard to my NPD. And I won’t use her treatment of me as an excuse. Bottom line was that I simply didn’t have the tools to deal with someone so completely bonkers as she was, so when talking, appeasing, begging, crying, yelling and screaming didn’t work, I just shut down. That’s why Dr. T advocates just getting the hell away from them, because you’ll kill yourself trying to save them.
That’s where I was – either I as going to stroke out from the stress, or I was going to walk in front of a train, because she insisted that I was the problem, and no matter what I did, what I let her do, how I submitted to her wishes, how I devoted myself to her, how many counsellors, doctors, psychologists and psychiatrists I saw (who told me that I didn’t have an anger management problem, I had a marital problem), I couldn’t please her.
Cripes, she even convinced her first husband – a Psychologist 20 years her senior – to have an “open” marriage ie. “you don’t satisfy my emotional/physical needs any more so I want to be free to fuck whoever I want, while you still provide my material needs.”
When I married her, she was next to a nymphomaniac. But once I satisfied every material need she had, she decided that she didn’t have to satisfy my emotional/physical needs, so I was completely cut off. That’s what got me the most – the absolute hypocrisy of complaining that her first husband never touched her, and then her treating me the exact same way! She was the Queen (because she had all the riches) and I was the servant.
Don’t you think a natural response to that kind of treatment just might be a little bit of anger and acting out ie. emotional abuse?
To clarify; all relationships have issues and struggles. Even if there is good evidence that your spouse falls somewhere on the BPD continuum, doesn’t mean that everything they do is BPD and that she or he is always at fault.
Were I to cheat on my wife and get caught, for her not to be monumentally pissed would be absurd. Hell, I’d even deserve a slap.
(Now having her go hysterical because I suggest we see a marriage counselor…. That’s a whole other thing.)
I’m sorry for coming off harsh. I said I might be talking out of my ass because I really don’t know what’s going on specifically. I just think that sometimes the “must stay for kids” argument is another way to avoid the unpleasantness of divorce while potentially doing more long term harm. Now each incidence is different so it’s hard to make any blanket statements but personally I wouldn’t take the chance. Some kids turn out fine. Some don’t. It’s just a crap shoot you wager with kids on the line and that’s just something I couldn’t do.
I don’t assume the kids will definitely go to the father initially but if you’re truly sane and the ex is truly whacked the kid will figure it out eventually and CHOOSE to live with the sane adult. Even if that doesn’t happen the child can at least learn what a normal relationship looks like.
Hmmm… i can name this tune in one note. But this is why Dr. T has made MANY suggestions about cutting the cord quickly and permanently, then remaining no-contact. Fortunately my ex lives nowhere near there, and i live nowhere near her. but oh yes… this is something she would definitely try to do.
I think it’s a terrible idea for anyone to show their significant other this site if they suspect their SO is a cluster B. By now you should know enough to realize that they cannot be reasoned with and have zero introspection. Showing them this site is just a sure fire way to create another explosion AND to potentially cause harm to Dr. T or others on this site. The only purpose it would serve to show a disordered SO this site is to push their buttons and then you’re just playing the same games they do. It may feel cathartic momentarily but it will just feel stupid looking back.
You know Dr T the more I think about it the more concerned I am for you. Knowing the lengths these unhinged women will go to maybe it would be a good idea to take down any photo of yourself. Having a visual aid to place you may not be such a good idea…Personlly as I say mine is thousands of miles away but just maybe one day they will be too close for comfort and some guy will have given her the site.
…BTW, I am also in another continent.
Very true what Dr T says about ending the relationship and then minding your own business. I was tempted to reveal the info I got here but then decided otherwise. The only hint I gave was that I suspected there was a psychological issue at play and that I’ve been doing a lot of research and do think that she’s not well. But I never reveal my sources, thereafter it was no contact (almost 9 months now)…hey I think I must celebrate after 12 months!!
Sorry not my dog! Mine is on another continent altogether and besides I would have never told her about this site. That would have been like playing poker and showing your cards!
Knowledge is power and with power comes the strength to do something about your crap life…no way was I going to show my hand and let her know “I see you for what you are.” I guess in an arguement some guy could have thrown it out that he had proof she was nuts but in my case it would have made about as much difference as peeing in the ocean.
Man oh man, the behavior you are describing reminds me of my sister. The denial and blame, in particular. I know this isn’t her in this case. I’m writing because I want to give you a bit of a “heya” from a far just to let you know that I’m sending you lots of support and good feelings. You got me through a rough patch last year when I (admittedly) felt pretty damn crazy after being with a NPD man and I will always be thankful for your help. You are a lifesaver and I no longer feel wounded and/or crazy about any of it anymore. I haven’t yet stepped into a new relationship, but I’m getting there… The next time around will be entirely different and in a GOOD way–especially since, thanks to you, my eyes will never be shut to NPD behavior ever again. I’m free!!!
Thanks, Danielle. I’m really okay. I heard from the man who is nearly certain this is his ex-fiancee, whom I believe is in her 40s—so this is not some chronologically immature woman—she’s old enough to be in control of her behavior. Also, he sent her the link over 3 months ago, which demonstrates how these individuals can go dark for awhile and then pop up when you least expect it. He’s taken this most recent episode of her behavior as validation that he did the right thing by ending the relationship and I couldn’t agree more.
So gentlemen and ladies, who have been involved with this type of person, think of this as validation. Even if your ex isn’t abusing you anymore, odds are they’re abusing someone somewhere. They are blaming someone somewhere for their trainwreck lives and relationships. It will never occur to them that the source of all their troubles looks back at them from the mirror each morning. They cannot not abuse (double negative, I know).
Dr T
Dr T
Once again, Dr Tara, you are right on the spot for me. This last reminder I copied directly to my iphone to read often. A year and a half ago I was so far out in this mess – and you helped me understand it all. And still do, even though I finally feel almost myself again. Finally. Thank you.
What I need to figure out now is how to feel love again. It’s like my love vocabulary is totally broken.
I guess time will solve the problem.
With the kindest regards.
Chris
The picture, the bird, and the time on the clock leaves a lot to the imagination. I simply love it. Perfect for this post Dr. T.
Thanks, Alnico. Whenever I think of borderlines, I hear the opening lines of “So Long, Farewell” from The Sound of Music that the children sing at the ball Cpt. Von Trapp threw for his not-quite fiancee, Baroness Schroeder (?):
There’s a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the hall
And the bells in the steeple too
And up in the nursery an absurd little bird
Is popping out to say “cuckoo”
[Marta, Gretl, Brigitta:]
Cuckoo, cuckoo
[Children: Marta, Gretl, Brigitta: ]
Regretfully they tell us Cuckoo, cuckoo
But firmly they compel us Cuckoo, cuckoo
To say goodbye . . .
[Marta, Gretl, Brigitta:]
Cuckoo!
[Children:]
. . . to you
Dr T
do not tell any bpd/npd/histrionic woman about your sources of information on her behaviors. They will become weapons she will try to flip and use against you. As a matter of fact, telling her where you are getting this info is evident of some type of stockholm syndrome as you might desire her to read and and apologize.
Dr T,
This sounds like it may be my ex BPD GF. I sent her your web address. PLEASE email or call asap.
Hi Anon,
You can reach me at shrink4men@gmail.com.
Thanks for responding,
Dr T
A courageous and commendable step. Thank you for doing this Dr. T. I live in Europe, but I got 4 SMS messages and 3 voice mails from my wife within 3 hours and I had left to a cafe to do a job application. This is a very comforting post.
You mean…oooops…I might actually be accountable for my wacko behavior…like these voicemails and SMS’s get tracked and go somewhere? Like these emails are not just supposed to be self-serving tools for my personal vindication and everyone is supposed to bow down to me just because I got mad? I mean, I might just get even madder…see? Look, now I’m emailing in ALL CAPS. Does that make me scary? You’re scared right? Huh? What? A an actual person got those emails, SMS’s and voicemails? They get STORED SOMEWHERE, and that can be considered EVIDENCE?!?? You’re blowing my mind! Huh? What? That email was just meant to hurt someone, it’s not meant to be taken seriously. That voicemail, I was just mad at at you, that’s why I ended my voicemail with “you loser.” Does that mean I don’t get to use your credit card anymore? That’s NOT FAIR!
Sorry you’re having the troubles. Those BPD women can be pretty crazy (like you didn’t already know). What ever happened to mental hospitals? Can’t people like that just be committed anymore?
Thanks, everyone. Not troubled by it. More like amused by the predictability of the borderline nature and grateful for WP’s spam filter technology.
My biggest chuckle/head shaking moment was the comment the BPD woman in question, who is using the nom de plume, “festeredzit” and “wart” (I kid you not and, btw, yuck), accused me of being a “home wrecker” and “destroying families.” Typical Cluster B denial and blame. I’m fairly certain this lady pretty much single-handedly destroyed her own relationship with the same kinds of behaviors she’s demonstrated in her spamming and god only knows what else toward her husband/bf.
This is just a suggestion but you know, it might have worth to actually publish some of these comments they make to you. Granted, we don’t really want or need them in the middle of our discussions. But articles where you take their comments and explain the craziness to us. I’ve noticed some of that in articles and I found that information the most helpful.
Alas, not me. Wrong geographic direction. Sorry you’re on the receiving end of it. :(
Same situation here, my ex who was engaged within 5 weeks of break up and married with 3 months is texting me from a pay as you go phone number, impossible to trace, and anonymous. It started sweet, a dau nefore ehat was yo be our 5th anniversary and as I observed strict no contact, she got nasty, letting slip little hints here and there of who it was… I keep the txt as a reminder of what I survived as well , when the time comes and as a last resort
to file a harassment complaint with the police… Thank you again for a wonderful site full of insight. The best advice is to cease all contact, and remove yourself from such toxic people… Cheers!!!!
Kinda wish it was my wife. It’d be sweet revenge for the hell she put me through. But lately, I’ve decided that the best revenge will simply be to “live well”, physically, mentally and financially.
In our final e-mail exchange I did send her some info on BPD, fully doubting she’d ever read it. But I didn’t send her this site.