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Tipping Points and Breaking Points: Ending an Abusive Relationship

July 13, 2017 Leave a comment

ending an abusive relationship narcissist borderlineIf you’re the victim of a narcissist, borderline, psychopath or other abusive personality, you probably understand how toxic and dysfunctional your relationships is, but still can’t transition into ending the relationship and walking away. It’s not unusual and there are many reasons for this.

While abuse isn’t a gender issue, as both sexes perpetrate at nearly equal rates, in my experience, male and female victims have different breaking points when it comes to ending the relationship. What’s the difference between a tipping point and the breaking point?

One tipping point is when you finally admit to yourself that, yes, your relationship really is that bad and that, yes, your spouse or partner really is that f – – ked up. After which, you formulate rationalizations to stay and excuses for the narcissist’s behavior, perhaps blaming yourself, their ex-spouse or their family of origin for their deplorable behavior.

Another tipping point is when you stop protecting and enabling your abuser and confide in a trusted friend, family member or therapist what’s been going on in your relationship. Admitting it to yourself is a big step. Admitting it out loud to others is huge. It makes it more real in that it’s out there and the people who care about you will hold you accountable if you let them.

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Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women who trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.

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Why Love Bombing is a Red Flag

April 11, 2017 1 comment

Shrink4Men_Love Bomb to Emotionally NukedLove bombing is, in and of itself, a Red Flag. Emotionally healthy adults don’t love bomb one another at the beginning of a relationship. There may be intense attraction or infatuation, but that’s different from love bombing.

Love bombing is a term borrowed from the recruiting techniques of cults. The narcissist, borderline, histrionic or psychopath hoists you atop a pedestal and showers you with flattery, adoration, sex, affection, promises of a happily ever after (i.e., future faking) or whatever else she or he thinks you want to hear in order to create an unnaturally fast bond.

Abusive personalities are often described as Jekyll and Hyde. They go from being seemingly incredibly good (the false public persona) to someone you want to fire hose with holy water in self-defense (the monster behind the mask). I’m not saying that some of these individuals don’t have genuinely good qualities. Some of them do. However, it doesn’t make up for the abuse. A tiger might purr as you pet it, but sooner or later it’s going to rip your arm off and feast upon you.

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Say Goodbye to CrazyWant to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women who trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.

 

Categories: Uncategorized

Why is No Contact So Hard?

April 10, 2017 1 comment

Shrink4Men_Breaking No Contact Posion for CureIf you still believe you love your narcissistic, borderline or psychopathic ex, practicing and maintaining No Contact can be very difficult initially. Excruciatingly, painfully difficult. Many of my clients compare it to withdrawing from a drug. Neuro-chemically speaking, there are similarities.

You’re hurting, and you want the pain to stop. To ease the pain you engage in wishful thinking. You believe that maybe, just maybe, things will be different if you try again. If you “love harder” (sorry, I just threw up a little in my mouth). So you call, email or text or stage an “accidental” run in.

You probably feel a sense of elation and exhilaration at the first contact. Like standing in front of a warm fire after feeling all alone in despair and desolation. There she or he is [cue harp strings sound effect]. Maybe it’ll be different this time.

Will it? READ MORE.

Say Goodbye to CrazyWant to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women who trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.

Categories: Uncategorized

How to Love a Woman Who Has Been to Hell and Back: Look for the Nearest Exit

April 9, 2017 17 comments

S4Meme_Red Flag_At My WorstRecently a Shrink4Men Forum member shared a link to an article that’s been making the rounds on social media. Ordinarily, I mock the use of Trigger Warnings. That being said, I feel obligated to issue both a Trigger Warning and a Ridiculous Bullshit Warning as many of my readers, both men and women, are or have been victims of narcissists, borderlines, histrionics, psychopaths, sociopaths and other abusive and predatory personality types. Therefore, consider yourselves warned:

How to Love a Woman Who Has Been to Hell and Back by Kathy Parker.

Oof. Where to begin?

This article could easily be titled, How to Allow Yourself to Be Abused by a Female Narcissist, Borderline or Psychopath and Like It! And If You Don’t Like It, You’re a Heartless, Selfish Jerk! The behaviors of the “hell and back woman” are classic examples of abuse commonly perpetrated by narcissists, borderlines, psychopaths and the like. READ MORE.

Say Goodbye to CrazyWant to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women who trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.

Categories: Uncategorized

Narcissists, Borderlines, Codependents and Mutual Childhood Issues

March 15, 2017 5 comments

narcissist borderline mother.jpgMany men and women who have been in a relationship with a narcissist, borderline or psychopath describe taking a parental role in response to their disordered partner’s perpetually childish attitudes and behaviors. While this is superficially true, there’s much more to it.

Narcissists, borderlines, histrionics and psychopaths are immature. When you’re in a relationship with one of these personalities, you’re dealing with someone who is somewhere between a troubled toddler or a troubled teenager in terms of emotional and psychological maturity. Many of my clients who share actual children (under the age of 18) with narcissistic, borderline or sociopathic wives and husbands have watched as their children mature and and surpass their adult partners in terms of emotional and moral development.

If you entered into your relationship wanting an equal partner (a functional adult rather than someone who knows how to pretend to be a grown-up when practicing image management), you’ll eventually resent the parental role in which your disordered spouse thrusts you. In many cases, the targets of narcissists et al volunteer for this thankless position hoping things will magically change someday. This is especially true of people who have codependency issues. READ MORE.

Say Goodbye to CrazyWant to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women who trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.

How to Protect yourself from Narcissists, Psychopaths and Borderlines

February 20, 2017 3 comments

relationship-boundaries-03Are you a self-described crazy woman magnet or crazy man magnet? Have you dated one emotionally unstable, emotionally unavailable and psychologically stunted person after the next? Are the majority of your exes a museum of various personality disorders — narcissists, borderlines, histrionics, dependents, paranoiacs and psychopaths, oh my?

While your former love interests may indeed have been as nutty as the Planter’s Peanut factory, lightning rarely strikes the same place more than once. Therefore, it’s time to look at your role in what attracts you to and attracts Crazy to you. In most cases, it’s a lack of boundaries, a lack of self-respect, faulty relationship beliefs, attitudes and behaviors learned in childhood and being easily manipulated by guilt, obligation, fear and pity.

Pining for a woman or man who mistreats and abuses you and calling it love is, obviously, a problem. For that matter, someone who regularly disrespects and devalues you, who lies to you and cheats on you, who financially exploits you, who undermines you and erodes your self-esteem, who makes you feel invisible — does not love you. None of these things add up to love, and if you believe they do or make excuses for being treated so shabbily you’ve got some work to do.

In other words, it’s time to do some Crazyproofing. It’s kind of like babyproofing, but instead of making a residence safer for a baby or toddler you’ll be making it safer for you to be in relationships. How? READ MORE.

Say Goodbye to CrazyWant to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women who trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.

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Are You Codependent?

February 17, 2017 Leave a comment

are-you-codependentAre you codependent? If so, there are probably some things you have a tough time accepting about human nature and relationships. On the other hand, perhaps you’re not sure what codependent means, in which case, let’s begin with some basics.

Codependents need to be needed. They believe making oneself invaluable to another is the pathway to love. It isn’t. It’s the pathway to becoming a doormat, to being taken advantage of and to becoming a target of abuse. When someone loves you and you love them, you want to be with each other (interdependence). You don’t need to be with each other (dependence). The former is a mutual coming together. The latter is tinged with urgency and desperation.

Codependents may have difficulty being alone, feel unworthy of being loved and a fear of abandonment. A codependent will often sacrifice his or her needs and well-being to take care of others. However, they usually have a hard time asking others for help and support in return. READ MORE.

Say Goodbye to CrazyWant to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women who trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.