10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully
Does your girlfriend or wife yell, scream, and swear at you? Do you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about your relationship because they just wouldn’t understand? Is your relationship making you feel like you’re slowly going crazy?
If so, you’re probably involved with a woman who is an emotionally abusive bully. Most men don’t want to admit that they’re in an abusive relationship. They describe the relationship and their girlfriend/wife using other terms like crazy, emotional, controlling, bossy, domineering, constant conflict, or volatile. If you use words like this to describe your relationship, odds are you’re being emotionally abused.
Do you recognize any of the following behaviors?
1) Bullying. If she doesn’t get her way, there’s hell to pay. She wants to control you and resorts to emotional intimidation to do it. She uses verbal assaults and threats in order to get you to do what she wants. It makes her feel powerful to make you feel bad. People with a Narcissistic personality are often bullies.
Result: You lose your self-respect and feel outnumbered, sad, and alone. You develop a case of Stockholm Syndrome, in which you identify with the aggressor and actually defend her behavior to others.
2) Unreasonable expectations. No matter how hard you try and how much you give, it’s never enough. She expects you to drop whatever you’re doing and attend to her needs. No matter the inconvenience, she comes first. She has an endless list of demands that no one mere mortal could ever fulfill.
Common complaints include: You’re not romantic enough, you don’t spend enough time with me, you’re not sensitive enough, you’re not smart enough to figure out my needs, you’re not making enough money, you’re not FILL IN THE BLANK enough. Basically, you’re not enough, because there’s no pleasing this woman. No one will ever be enough for her, so don’t take it to heart.
Result: You’re constantly criticized because you’re not able to meet her needs and experience a sense of learned helplessness. You feel powerless and defeated because she puts you in no-win situations.
3) Verbal attacks.This is self-explanatory. She employs schoolyard name calling, pathologizing (e.g., armed with a superficial knowledge of psychology she uses diagnostic terms like labile, paranoid, narcissistic, etc. for a 50-cent version of name calling), criticizing, threatening, screaming, yelling, swearing, sarcasm, humiliation, exaggerating your flaws, and making fun of you in front of others, including your children and other people she’s not intimidated by. Verbal assault is another form of bullying, and bullies only act like this in front of those whom they don’t fear or people who let them get away with their bad behavior.
Result: Your self-confidence and sense of self-worth all but disappear. You may even begin to believe the horrible things she says to you.
4) Gaslighting. “I didn’t do that. I didn’t say that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. It wasn’t that bad. You’re imagining things. Stop making things up.” If the woman you’re involved with is prone to Borderline or Narcissistic rage episodes, in which she spirals into outer orbit, she may very well not remember things she’s said and done. However, don’t doubt your perception and memory of events. They happened and they are that bad.
Result: Her gaslighting behavior may cause you to doubt your own sanity. It’s crazy-making behavior that leaves you feeling confused, bewildered, and helpless.
5) Unpredictable responses. Round and round and round she goes. Where she’ll stop, nobody knows. She reacts differently to you on different days or at different times. For example, on Monday, it’s ok for you to Blackberry work email in front of her. On Wednesday, the same behavior is “disrespectful, insensitive, you don’t love me, you’re a self-important jerk, you’re a workaholic.” By Friday, it could be okay for you to Blackberry again.
Telling you one day that something’s alright and the next day that it’s not is emotionally abusive behavior. It’s like walking through a landmine in which the mines shift location.
Result: You’re constantly on edge, walking on eggshells, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is a trauma response. You’re being traumatized by her behavior. Because you can’t predict her responses, you become hypervigilant to any change in her mood or potential outburst, which leaves you in a perpetual state of anxiety and possibly fear. It’s a healthy sign to be afraid of this behavior. It’s scary. Don’t feel ashamed to admit it.
6) Constant Chaos. She’s addicted to conflict. She gets a charge from the adrenaline and drama. She may deliberately start arguments and conflict as a way to avoid intimacy, to avoid being called on her bullshit, to avoid feeling inferior or, bewilderingly, as an attempt to avoid being abandoned. She may also pick fights to keep you engaged or as a way to get you to react to her with hostility, so that she can accuse you of being abusive and she can play the victim. This maneuver is a defense mechanism called projective identification.
Result: You become emotionally punch drunk. You’re left feeling dazed and confused, not knowing which end is up. This is highly stressful because it also requires you to be hypervigilant and in a constant state of defense for incoming attacks.
7) Emotional Blackmail. She threatens to abandon you, to end the relationship, or give you the cold shoulder if you don’t play by her rules. She plays on your fears, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, shame, values, sympathy, compassion, and other “buttons” to control you and get what she wants.
Result: You feel manipulated, used, and controlled.
8 Rejection. She ignores you, won’t look at you when you’re in the same room, gives you the cold shoulder, withholds affection, withholds sex, declines or puts down your ideas, invitations, suggestions, and pushes you away when you try to be close. After she pushes you as hard and as far away as she can, she’ll try to be affectionate with you. You’re still hurting from her previous rebuff or attack and don’t respond. Then she accuses you of being cold and rejecting, which she’ll use as an excuse to push you away again in the future.
Result: You feel undesirable, unwanted, and unlovable. You believe no one else would want you and cling to this abusive woman, grateful for whatever scraps of infrequent affection she shows you.
9) Withholding affection and sex. This is another form of rejection and emotional blackmail. It’s not just about sex, it’s about withholding physical, psychological, and emotional nurturing. It includes a lack of interest in what’s important to you–your job, family, friends, hobbies, activities–and being uninvolved, emotionally detached or shut down with you.
Result: You have a transactional relationship in which you have to perform tasks, buy her things, “be nice to her,” or give into her demands in order to receive love and affection from her. You don’t feel loved and appreciated for who you are, but for what you do for her or buy her.
10) Isolating. She demands or acts in ways that cause you to distance yourself from your family, friends, or anyone that would be concerned for your well-being or a source of support. This typically involves verbally trashing your friends and family, being overtly hostile to your family and friends, or acting out and starting arguments in front of others to make it as unpleasant as possible for them to be around the two of you.
Result: This makes you completely dependent upon her. She takes away your outside sources of support and/or controls the amount of interaction you have with them. You’re left feeling trapped and alone, afraid to tell anyone what really goes on in your relationship because you don’t think they’ll believe you.
You don’t have to accept emotional abuse in your relationship. You can get help or you can end it. Most emotionally abusive women don’t want help. They don’t think they need it. They are the professional victims, bullies, narcissists, and borderlines. They’re abusive personality types and don’t know any other way to act in relationships.
Life is too short to spend one more second in this kind of relationship. If your partner won’t admit she has a problem and agree to get help, real help, then it’s in your best interest to get support, get out, and stay out.
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Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.
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After 28 years my relationship has come to this. Our children have moved out and her focus seems to be to point out things that I do icoorrectly or not as she would do them. She will nit pick if we are driving some where and I don’t drive the same route she would drive. If I went 1 block further she makes sure to remind me that she wouldn’t have missed the turn. She belittles me, she talks bad about me not only to her friends but to mine. It got to a point where I would stay in my garage and my friends and I would hang out there, I’m 53 years old! Sex seems like a chore, cooking for her is like a chore, basically doing anything for me is just so draining. I’ve always put her first, I work, I cook. I clean, do laundry and dishes. I take care of our home, cars, camper, boat etc. now here’s a kick in the pants, she will be just to exhausted to go out with me but if her friend calls she’s up and out the door. I try to romance her, I listen, I try to spend time. I’m a good man, husband, father and friend to her. She has never been physically abusive but after reading your blog/post I see where she is abusing me emotionally. I do feel defeated, beat down and very lonely and isolated. She will always get in a dig with a complement, she will say,” you look nice today…..I guess” and it’s not trying to be funny. I’ll shop, prep and cook dinner for her and she’ll ask are you sure these sides are a good fit with the entree? I’m just so beat down. Some days I just want to load my truck and camper and leave. What keeps me here is the memory of how it once was. I know she is not having an affair or anything like that but she just turned so “glass is half empty” about everything. Around her friends she’s completely different, happy, playful, cheerful and fun. I’m just at a loss as to what to do. I’ve talked to her and she just tells me I’m imagining it or that she’s not acting that way. She believes that if she says it that it must be true. If you have any advice I’d love to hear it.
Jim in S Jersey
Out for 4 years – still dealing with her BPD crap with 2 kids – gave up and gave her full custody – could not deal with her – have it all – she is vengeful and vindictive “you will pay”
Hired a $500/hr lawyer when I served her papers
Sad kids lose in the end
I once told her I wanted spiritual relationship with her – she rejected me and told me she already had that with someone else – shot down – stopped trying – 5 years of marriage counselling – no use
May as well call this site doormathusband.com (its available ! $11 on godaddy.com)
We maintain jt checking account for kids expenses beyond the $3000/month child support – yeah we live in the valley – she abuses it – I call the bank to get the overdraft fees re-imbursed
She has a 10 day $15000 Italy school trip planned with the kids – I wanted to go but she sent a dismissive email saying no – because I drink – wonder why huh?
I can identify with the whole “awesome person around other people – and COMPLETELY terrible when its just you and her (and the kids)” – after the 5 years of trying with counselling etc – I knew I needed to get out when she forced things and got physical (I was just trying to sleep) – I called the cops at 2 am
No mas BPD’er!
Sex was always great though – don’t stick your dick in crazy – not worth it in the long run bro’s
I do the driving and is never good enough. Actually nothing is good enough for her whosoever it may be doing. If i brake, you braked too hard, if i waited a tad too long at the lights, you are not paying attention, if i drive fun as sometimes i like to, oh,, u are showing off to our son and it is a bad role model, if i go to speed limit….You..drive so slow. She drives 70 in 60 zone and 80 in 100 zone. Go figure. She got booked but cried and the cop let her off. She has damaged the car so many times but it was always someone else’s fault such as kids in the back street, car mirrors, you name it. Everything i do there is an issue with her…anything. I am trying to get out of this abusive relationship. i have been physically beaten and emotionally abused for many many years and that too in front of our kids.
My gut feeling is that your wife takes you for granted and she knows you are not going anywhere so takes advantage of that.
I too am 53 and one child has flown the nest while the other won’t be at home for much longer. My exit plan is to leave when he leaves but if push comes to shove, I will leave earlier.
Imagine my surprise to find this site. For years I’ve been trying to identify and rationalize each of these symptoms as separate problems. It’s a relief to learn that they are related to a single albeit complex problem. I still don’t think my prospects of a solution are any more likely. It’s a kind of comfort to give it a name; my wife is a bully. Every day I learn a new way to defend myself from the abuse, protect my family from the threats, and learn to live without close friends. Now that I’ve retired I no longer suffer the shame at work, but I now spend more time at home. I looked up this site in despair after cooking our dinner on the barbecue while on crutches and pleading for help from her mother on the phone while my screamed abuse at me because I asked her to mail a letter to the hospital. Why don’t I divorce her? I think I’m the only person who copes with her behaviour, and she’d be dangerous on her own.
Her behavior is not your responsibility.
I dont know if i am being abused or not…just tonight i was grinding coffee to take my midterm and my wife went to bed early about an hour prior. Obviously i woke her up, she called my name…”Babe…” i said, i know…i am sorry. She said, “You are not sorry.” I explained that i have my midterm tonight, and long story short she gets out of bed, dumps my coffee once the argument got luke warm, and tells me that i had a week to do my chore list and i couldnt even do it, which she is right i left two items undone…she tells or almost yells at me about how i cant accomplish anything on my days off, and yet she accomplishes more with less days off. I just feel like i deserve to be treated with respect and not yelled at, period. I am not perfect, but i get talked down to everyday for not doing something right. It is the tone, why do i always have to ask you to do stuff, and thats why i am talking to you like this. It is not like i dont take the trash out when its full, its i didnt do it and so she is mad that she has to ask me for the hundredth time…which is not true. If she asks me to do something i do it 90%…help please
Well, she was obviously angry with you for other reasons and used the coffee as an excuse to release that anger. But, she needs to learn that the way she is communicating with you is driving you nuts, and is not at all respectful. Just do your best to focus on honest, respectful communication and not get dragged down with her.
And when she talks to you like that, tell her you won’t accept being spoken to like that, and will only continue the conversation when she can do so respectfully. It may not change her behavior, but at least you’ll feel better about yourself.
Obviously, I have no idea, but it’s possible that she sees her behavior as acceptable (maybe grew up with that) and doesn’t realize that harm it causes your relationship. You may want to consider couples counseling as well. Good luck.
Sounds like I need some counseling because this sounds just like the horror of my life. I don’t know who to talk to about this! Help….
Hi Arturo – one of your best people is the lady who wrote this article. Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
“Private Consultation and Coaching
I provide confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. My practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit Services and Products for professional inquiries. ”
Go up to just under this article and there is a link at “Services and Products”. Click on that. Alternatively, go back to the full website and search for an article on “How to choose a therapist”, or something like that. All the best.
I am routed to this page i think for one good reason. “i need to read this”. I am not talking/communicating with my girlfriend for 2 days now since the day i exploded. She insulted me which she usually do and i usually tell her that i don’t want her to do that anymore. For some pety fight or i guess just a misunderstanding, she got all the things she gave me as a gift ang threaten me that she’ll take it back. Well, i am not into material things but i was insulted. Insulted in a way that i felt like i asked for all of those gift and i’ll be a cry baby if she’ll take it all back. I felt like i can’t afford to buy those things and she alone can do that for me. Yes she earns more but i have a work that can provide my needs and wants. She did those things only for 1 meaningful reason. One day she came in my place like the usual. But the only difference on that day is, from night shift i went straight to the market to buy some ingredients since i’ll be cooking for her. I cooked and after that when she’s about to leave her house, i took a nap which i inform her and she agreed to it. When she arrived, i got an hour of sleep, so i woke up and ask her we’ll eat together since everything’s prepared. I think it’s normal to be in slow-motion-zombie-mode since i worked all night and i only had an hour of sleep. She was very lively and i’m like living dead since my brain is still tryin to wake up. She got offended! She said “i came her to see you and you are just throwing some tantrums at me?”. Of course i explained, i am still making myself alive and awake. Then she began to pack up and wanted to live. I didn’t notice she was packing my things until she hit me with a shoe (that she gave). When i turned around, i saw the things she packed. I personally know she’s just trying to get my attention and she will not pursue her plan. But i was insulted. I don’t know if it’s normal or not. But i was really hurt! She did it many times. I even lost a pair of shoe because she threw it in a grassfield. I tried to find it but i don’t know where exactly she threw it. I got my gshock twisted because of her uncontroled temper. My J’s was destroyed and a lot of shirts got ripped on her hand. I don’t mean to discussing everything she does. But i just want to thank the post. I still want to help her. I hope she’s open for a consultation. I could not wish some more but for her to be optimistic. She seem to love pety fights that unfortunately will turn out to be a big one. I don’t exactly know how to deal with it right now. I hope i can still get a reply from you guys.
Thanks a lot!
The ALCOHOL equation: doesn’t matter if it’s one drink alone or two drinks with her, as soon as alcohol is involved, the shit hits the fan. Almost everything listed above becomes a problem. I used to like having a couple drinks, in fact we both liked it. Now, with no alcohol issues I know of, it’s poison. I mean, 2 glasses of wine and she’s gonna call the cops on me while I’m watching Family Guy…WTF?
I am reading all these and I am literally shaking from how closely this describes my relationship. We met what I was 19 and she was 15. I am now 38. We had amazing times through the years but the bad times were always bad. Two years ago I made few serious mistakes and things broke completely and we lived apart for 2 year. We are back together now trying to fix things and a lot of the attacks and the rest are still there but there is one thing is very different to the other comments. She appears to be aware of the issue. The attacks only come every fortnight now or once a month and she is more aware of them now. She is saying things like
1. I know what triggers me now and how to deal with it (when she is about to be triggered she leaves the house before she says anything bad and she goes cycling for 2-3 hours and she comes back an absolute sweetheart. Clearly that doesn’t go well with my insecurities and it makes me sad and confused. She doesn’t want me to know where she is going or when I even ask she is saying I am being controlling and not letting her spread her wings etc.)
2. She goes out of her way to say thank you and I am sorry. I know it is sound silly for me appreciating these things but from the comments it sounds that you all know what I am talking about here. It never used to be her fault but there is a change here.
3. She is saying, i know there is something wrong with me (her) and I am working on it. She admit she feels empty and she is angry with everyone all the time.
4. She has admitted that she gets angry and explodes with the people closest to her and she makes steps now to deal with it before she explodes but her solution is to close down and isolate herself or dissapear for hours without signs of life.
5. She keeps thanking me for everything I have done for her and us through the years and that she feels she is a monster sometimes. (My answer is that well, she is not a monster but the behaviour is monster-like. But I don’t know if I am handling this the right way)
6. Intimacy has disappeared 2-3 years ago and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. But she is keep asking me to be a bit more patient and that she started trusting me again and she started falling in love again. She tries to candle and be nice but I do feel that what she is saying is true. She feels empty and perhaps the whole thing is too broken. She is asking me to allow her to just dissapear for few hours and she gets like that and trust her that she is only doing it to protect me from her !!!!!
BUT
those forthnightly and monthly attacks are BAD. So bad that the only way for me to deal with it and stop the pain and desperation is to take 4-5 sleeping pills so I can sleep for 8-10 hours and wake up when the “good person in back”. So I don’t ask where she is don’t obsess about my insecurities and don’t ask questions so I get attacked.
I am very confused. Are the above things I list another manipulation. Am I being played again? Is it again my Stockholm syndrome and I am trying to find positives out of nothing positive or is she indeed finally starting to see there is a problem and trying to deal with it.
If she is BPD, is there any hope? If she is starting to identify the problem, is there any hope of being able to have a semi-healthy family with y wife?
Hi Petros. I’m not a Psychologist and your questions really need to be answered by Dr.T. So, if you are prepared to understand I am simply another person like yourself, then this is my input.
1. Is she getting “professional help”? She says she knows something is wrong, yadda, yadda – but is she actually taking responsibility and seeking help? If not, big red flag.
2. Perhaps you should consider getting help for your insecurities? If you are self-diagnosing Stockholm Syndrome, then I think you need to get some help. If you have access to help, then go back to your therapist as you need a bit of a boost, now you are back in this situation.
3.. If she is dealing with her triggers by doing what she’s doing and it helps her, you need to give her the time she needs to “deal with it” – ie the bike riding. Your insecurities are yours to deal with so don’t try controlling her in this because what she is doing is causing you grief. As long as it’s only bike riding, then that’s fine.
4. You are with someone who has a personality disorder. You are right to isolate the woman from the disorder, but remember that it is the disorder you have to deal with when she displays this sort of behaviour. Unless she seeks help, this is going to turn out to be a “patch-up job” and then the disorder may return worse than ever.
5. Perhaps you could suggest therapy together? Sounds to me like she is not getting professional help. If there’s no intimacy, she’s using you. I don’t think we, as individuals, can go back. Whatever comes out at the other end after therapy is going to be a new person, not the old one. It will be a person who recognises that they have been living for “x” years and the lessons learned (or not) will be displayed in that person.
6. Honestly mate, I think you are heading down a path of frustration and never ending heartache. No therapy= no chance. Therapy MAY give you some help, but honestly, I’d walk. You’ve wasted enough time on it – go live your life. Certainly self-medicating with sleeping pills is a slippery slope down. I wouldn’t do it to myself because I have too much respect for myself. But it’s up to you. Here’s Terrence Pop’s latest video. Personally I don’t like his way of talking, but you may relate to it. I wish you well. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GD6oxd2G6s
My Son has been involved in this type of verbal and emotional abuse for 6 years now and they have a child together. The abuse extends to me and my mother as she constantly sends me texts telling me how horrible my son is…works too much. watches sports too much Ext ext it never ends. He is quiet and passive and she is constantly yelling and screaming at him even infront of me my mom and his daughter. The neighbors have called the police on her as she is so loud. She shows all the traits that I have read in the above posts and we have told him this behavior is unhealthy but his self esteem is so low now that it is difficult for him to take action. They are both 30. After she had the baby she told him that he had to pay for a boob job for her as HE had ruined her body by getting her pregnant! My mom and I take care of my grandaughter as they both work and she is not appreciative and feels that we owe it to her to care for her child as we are his parents. She behaves like a dictator and is ruining all of our lives! Her daughter 5 now,at 4 yrs old told me that she is daddys stepmom because she is mean to him!. i f you think you are in a relationship like this, (she has all 10 traits listed above as an emotional bully) Then get out!! Is so unhealthy and can even make you feel like mabey you are the crazy one but that is just a form of her manipulation!
Relationships should feel good, not scary sad and difficult!!!
I have been married to my wife who is one year younger (27) for 5 years. we dated before that for 5. early in the relationship it was really amazing intimately but she still got mad at me for tons of stuff and had me change my personality so I’m not “selfish” anymore. she blew things out of proportion and misunderstood my friends rude sense of over the top humor and I had to chose them or her, so I chose her and told myself it’s because she’s making me a better person. We would have some fun times together, still do but rarely, but the random arguments over little things continued and has gotten way worse now. 80% of the time she gets drunk, she gets pissed off and starts screaming, throwing shit, and saying that I’m an asshole. that she hates me, and demands a divorce. after we argue for hours because she just keeps repeating the same shit even though I disprove it with calm logic but she like doesn’t understand or something, we pretend it didn’t happen and she, after complaining that much claims she loves me?! she even tried to break up with me during dating, I guess I should have done that back then. she’s driven me from my family cause she doesn’t want to go to the get togethers because of awkwardness but I have to go to her alcoholic parent’s house which is extremely uncomfortable. if I don’t she gets pissed even though her dad abuses her like she does me. sometimes the relationship is fine but it’s like I said at least once a month that she gets pissed at some little thing, blows it out of proportion and demands separation. then later things go back to ‘normal’ but in every fight she talks about shit we fought about years ago! or stuff that doesn’t relate anymore! I don’t know what to do this sucks so much I can’t believe I felt like I couldn’t do better and she is the only one who would accept me, so I married her. all she wants is a kid at the risk to her own health and our finances, she says she’s super depressed and stressed because of that but should we be having a kid if we argue over little shit most of the time together? my parents did that and divorced and it was devastating. I dot want my kid to experience that. she seems to think after we have a kid suddenly she’ll be happy and everything will be like the honeymoon relationship phase, I even impregnated her but we had a miscarriage. it was a little better after that cause I was there to support her, but then it went back to before and now it’s arguably worse. I don’t know what to do does this sound like an abusive wife or am I just a douchebag? I NEVER get pissed at her or start fights, but if I get annoyed for her not putting the TP on the roller thing she gets pissed off and defensive yellin that I’m mad and acting crazy when I’m just annoyed. I feel so bad for her cause she was abused as a kid and I’m honestly afraid that if I finally say yes to her saying we should divorce, and keep insisting on it after she begs me to stay, she will kill herself or me in my sleep. this sucks so much!
It’s abuse. Look at what Steve wrote to Matt. Do not, under any circumstances, have a child with this female. Make a plan, get out and if she tries to kill herself, stiff shit. It’s all manipulation and control. Others may disagree, but that’s my take on it.
Hi there, Trust me…she won’t kill herself or you. Just scaring you and trying to make you feel guilty. Part of emotional abuse and manipulation/control strategy. I hear this too from my wife that she will commit suicide and then in her suicide note to police she will blame me for carrying out this ghastly act. My reply to her…do what you need to do..obviously this hasn’t gone too well for me but that’s a different story
Wow, this is so dead on! I’ve read this about 10 times. I pull it up in bad times and it helps me. Every time I read it I seem to understand my situation a little more. I’m an athletic 6’2″ 200 lb man and my wife is 5’6″ 113lb. I feel so pathetic when she is verbally(and physically) attacking me. Now I leave for an hour or two when it happens.
I usually only have 5 days in a month where she is nice. She is beautiful looking but we haven’t been intamite for about 5 years. Im still healthy and actively playing sports but I am 63 and a lot of the fight has gone out of me or I would have left this relationship a long time ago.
Well said my wife takes antidepressants and has been trying to establish a relationship with another man but when i asked him to back off he said that she is contacting him and he asked me to tell her to stop contacting him when i told her that she turned into a raging lunatic and i was fearing for my life what should i do
Quit talking to her and get a divorce attorney. Preferrably one that has experience with high-conflict cases and personality disorders.
This article is my situation exactly.
Been married for close to 30 years now. It started slowly after our first child was born. He is 13 now. It got a lot worse after we did a migration which I was in favour of and to be honest drove, and she didn’t want to move to this country. Once there is when it really started to get bad. No, it is beyond absurd. Every movement I make with my body, where I stand, wall, sit is wrong.
All in front of the kids. I try to keep it ligthearted by calling her ‘the body movement police” when I speak to the kids.
I usually end up cooking these days. She will never come and sit down when the dinner is ready. Just to show disrespect. She is too busy on her computer with “important” things although she does not even work. So now the kids do not come when I call for dinner either.
She arrives late, sits down, and then has a complaint (infront of the kids) about the food.If i say anything at dinner (or any other time) she will either interrupt me and cut through what I say on a completely different subject to demonstrate to the kids how uninterested she is in what I have to say, or (increasingly often) say “you can’t say that”. Every third of routh thing or so I say, she says “don’t say that”. if she hears me speak to the kids she will say “you cant say that to them”. When I joke with my son she says “don’t say that to him”.
if I ever challenge her she can lose it completely. This means screaming and shouting as close to the kids ans she can get that I have “ruined her life”, “destroyed her” and screaming at the kids “why are you on dad’s side, don’t you understand he is the evil, he has destroyed everything I was, he has destroyed my life”. when she has lost it completely- after I put my foot down at her behaviour- she has even once taken the kids in to a different room, locked the door and screamed at them about how awful I am and how I have “destroyed everything and the family”.
I don’t want to risk another such episode.
This has made me silent, introvert, unhappy and withdrawn at home. Obviously, she calls that “constantly being angry” and says that this is the reason she treats me so badly “and cannot love me”. The fact that I am silent, brooding and worried.
I had just spent two days alone with the kids. She joined us late on holiday. I realised I was terrified of her arrival. I am actually really, really afraid of her. I know how she wil make me suffer.
She constantly tells the kids we have to be “a loving, sharing and caring” family, and then visibly excludes me as much as she can from that loving,sharing caring circle, showing the kids I don’t belong in it.
I used to have high powered senior corporate 500K plus year/ jobs. But the money was never enough. She always wanted more money- although she says she did not. I just lost probably my last one. I know the root cause to why I lost it. Lack of confidence. I could no longer display that self belief and confidence necessary to lead people. My performance feedback had said exactly this for two years, that my “presence” and behaviour in meetings just wasn’t what it used to be. I lost my ability to speak publicly (I used to be great at it).
In a few months the money runs out. We will be ruined. We will have to sell the house, take the kids out of their schools etc. But I just don’t have the confidence to get a new job. I am trying but I can’t just put myself our there. My confidence is just gone. I feel like a worthless piece of shit, a failure. I suffer from depressive episodes. There is no way I can get another big job.
I am not allowed to eat certain foods. She takes them away and says in front of the kids “you don’t need this with your belly”. She laughs at my looks and body in front of the kids.
Just now she said “your son makes more money then you do” in front of the kids, referring to a $500 little kid job he has”. I thought I’d say “…and certainly more money than you ever have as well..” but I went upstairs and cried instead.
The only things that keeps me getting up in the morning and not just curling in to a ball and staying there are:
– My wonderful kids.
– that I deep down still think somehow I can turn this situation around. Although it is beginning to dawn on me she doesn’t want to turn it around. She seems maybe to like it like this.
I do think that this partly must be my fault. In the first 15 years of our relationship, before kids, the power in our relationship was the opposite. And I think I treated her quite badly, at least in part. I was always concerned she didn’t make any money (although she tried to) and spent a lot. I mean a lot-huge amounts. It limited my professional options as my first concern always was to support us both financially. I had to take high paid jobs I hated to cope. It made me quite bitter and I wasn’t very nice to her. I also dragged her in to that migration against her will. Net her very clearly expressed will- but I knew she didn’t want to move. The hell now seems like it is payback. I blame myself for creating this situation. Is she worse to me now than I was to her ? Probably. I never witheld affection. But I did put her down for years. And I didn’t support her efforts to be self employed successfully (other than financially and through limiting my own choices so she could free-lance).
Any advice, anyone ?
Sammy, I am 52 years old 3 kids (genetic hostages) really only 1 as the older ones are 17 & 18 so they can decide their own fate as it were but the youngest is only 12. She was conceived after a brief reconcilitory period after my I had a transgression. Won’t go into too many details but I’ve been living as a mere shell of the person once she got pregnant I think she knew I wouldn’t leave a pregnant woman behind. Granted I had something to do with the pregnancy but somehow we went 5 years no pregnancy then in 2 months bam. My point is I know what you mean about not being able to perform at work b/c you can’t focus on anything I have the same problem can’t tell you how many time I missed my exit on the highway b/c my mind was going a million miles p/hour all about everything & nothing at the same time. Up until about 2 years I was dealing OK b/c I was running 6-7 miles per day of course I got no support with exercising I was being selfish etc.. etc.. eventually I stopped running became unhinged started drinking too much to compensate no I’m in a pickle. My advice is to start exercising running is the easiest cheapest thing to do build up to 70-75 minutes of continuous vigorous cardio can do wonders. I remember telling a co-worker about the 3rd kids he asked me how old the next oldest kid is, he replied “you just added 5.5 years to your sentence”
GOOD LUCK
I can identify with the last comment – if I took too long getting ready to work out, I was the the most selfish asshole in the entire world
Yeah BPD – never again
Hi Sammy, i too am distracted at work and partly because i keep hearing her voice in my head and constant false accusations. I am a shell of a person to what i was. Last time I went overseas to see my parents and extended family, it really brought home to me when my sis told me that her son thinks people who migrate to West as I did to Australia are reduced to a mere shell of their former self, they lose their mojo, their zest for life
My girlfriend whom I’ve been in a relationship with for over a year now has all these symptoms. She is always threatening to leave me when we argue, telling me I can spend the night alone miserable if I act certain ways then I find myself kissing ass and trying to make up for an argument I did not start. She also tells me I’m annoying and that she doesn’t want me around anymore but later in the evening she will apologize and say she didn’t mean it. After reading this article I can see she is an emotional bully, her way or the highway. If I’m late by a few minutes I’m an asshole piece of shit who doesn’t deserve her company and she threatens to leave me because of it. I love her with all my heart and do try my hardest, I have nothing but positive things to say about her but somedays I wonder what she’s thinking, wondering if they smile she wears is fake. I think she’s happy when I’m away at work. Crappy way to talk for someone you care more then anyone else in the world, crappy way to feel I suppose
Wow, seeing this in Print confirms my Ex wifes’ patterns. After 4 years of this BS, I finally got out of this marriage. Controlling Dominant Self Centered Monster!
Wow, word for word line by line a perfect story of my situation…now Im worried wondering what she will think reading this…It would as explained above never be acknowledged and cause more abuse…but I just have to say every point described with precision her responses. What should I do now? Beleive it or not She tells me I’m crazy and wants me to go to counselling…yet this genius writer described her phicy .
And no I will not EVER inform her of her beeing a narcissists bully. The thought of it makes me shiver
Do NOT show her this site. Do not tell her about it. There is a video that addresses showing them this site. Perhaps someone can assist with a link?
I don’t remember which one it was, but the gentleman could go to YOUTUBE and type in “Say Goobye to Crazy” or “SGTC” or even “Going Mental”. Perhaps it may come up. But yes, I agree with you. Never, ever, ever show Crazy this sort of stuff. This is a safe place for men and some women to come to discuss things and it should be as free as possible from crazy.
Thank you for your response. I know this sounds crazy but I feel a sense of relief I thought I was the only person in the world with this issue.
And yes I will not show this message.
I didn’t mention that I have four kids and im 38 years old. Im pretty sure I will never marry if i leave its like a trap. my kids are from 5 years to 13. I am staying for them…they don’t know the issues we don’t argue in front of them but he oldest I think can sense….thanks again for your response
P.s.: this message will self destruct in 30 seconds. :)
After being in several abusive relationships with women, both verbal and physical, I have learned that there is only one way to “fix” this type of relationship and that is to abandon it. Every day spent in this type of life is a day away from being with a kind and loving partner. Unfortunately, abusive women are not rare, but you shouldn’t settle for the norm. Find someone worthy and appreciative of the love and caring you extend as a man. If you find yourself wondering if you are in a relationship where your spouse or girlfriend does not appreciate you, get up immediately, pack your things, and never look back. You will thank me. This advice comes from having been there.
I don’t know where to begin.. my wife ended our marriage in Nov after us being together 9 years.. we have 1 child together but she has 2 from a previous. I have been a dad to those kids all this time and a good husband … she retreated to our bedroom in June claiming she was depressed and stayed there for 5 months and sought help from our GP while I took care of the kids, the house, a full time job, the homeschooling of our eldest (despite my work) the shopping, cooking, cleaning, feeding the dog and trying to be supportive of her. Over the years she has criticized my manhood, my size, my technique, the fact that her ex was bigger and better and never puts any attention into our sex life.. she wanders in a room after almost no interaction for hours in a pair of unflattering undergarments wiggles her hips and says “wanna go to bed”.. and then is surprised after all the barrage of negative abuse over everything from my DIY skills to the bedroom and my character, why I might not always be in the mood.. during the last 5 months she has told me she never wanted children, she never wanted to be married, she feels nothing for me emotionally and does not know if she wants to be with me, and then berates me for not making her feel desired when she asks me to ‘bed’!!!
She says she missed out on her teen years for having a child at 16 and wants to live life, be her age (she is in her 30s now) and have some fun for her.. some her time.. how does one stop being a wife and mother and in their 30s to have teenage fun when wanting to ‘act their age’ .. I don’t think she has thought it through.
I am best off out of their but it is the kids I am concerned and worried for.. our child together is distraught and wants to live with me.. only I have moved into shared accommodation and cant have him with me, besides the courts here in the UK will not allow him to live with me as I work and his siblings live with mother.. I may get joint custody so we share his time equally, I don’t know… I cant afford a solicitor at £180+ an hour and there is no legal help available for me in this which is frustrating..
Within 1 day of me moving out of our house she had another man in there and slept with him.. I know she did, she confessed by text message.. I have kept that.
She says it is not adultery as we were not living together.. it is though.. as I think she will discover.
This week she told our child I had bought him a bike for his birthday later this month and took pleasure in telling me she had ruined my surprise for him.. she did this in front of the kids which made our boy upset and say some unkind things to me privately about his mother.. which I closed down quickly despite how true I felt they were.
I wish I could get to a lawyer here and get a divorce quickly and decent contact sorted out.. I have had him every weekend since leaving the home so a precedent has been set.. and I am paying child support by bank transfer so I can prove she is receiving it.. so I feel I am trying to be consistent and do the right thing.. she made me feel like a rescuer and a hero in the beginning but at the end I felt like the whole of the worlds issues were my fault.. and now she has this other guy who she says is a rock to her.. so now he is her rescuer from my evil and ungrateful self to who she is and what she is worth.. well good luck to him.. he will need it..
Obvious signs of BPD, I have been there, almost to the t of all the symptoms you described. Run my friend …RUN…leave her now both emotionally and physically my friend, you will thank yourself, take care of your your child but run from this woman. Divorcing her will be hell, but hang on, it gets better, I have been there my friend. Best wishes!
Thank you OldDude – I have left the home as I say and I will be speaking to a solicitor hopefully very soon to begin proceedings.. she is controlling, narcissistic and her family has a history of BPD.. both her mum and sister suffer so it is no surprise to me she is whack too.. what I am surprised about is how long it took me to see it. !!
I came across this article on Facebook.
I recently ended a relationship with someone like this. I left the state to get away. She continued to talk to me and made me feel guilty and jealous about leaving the life I had. It had been giving me circles of emotions which also lead me to feel depressed. This article helped and reassured me that I had made the right decision. Every behavior in this article was exhibited by her in our relationship. Thank you so much. This article set my mind to rest.
Sincerely
-Sam
One “frame” for the whole thing I find useful is “the addictive relationship” (Anne Wilson-Schaef wrote “Escape from Intimacy” (some dysfunctionalities entail avoiding real intimacy)). This frame doesn’t mean to me I have problems as big as hers, but it does seem Wilson-Schaef was right about the addictive aspect.
When I get free these days I’m less insecure, but an emptiness still threatens in many moments. It’s like I was trying to give up cigarettes about the fifth day. But it’s not there all the time like with cigarettes (on the fifth day).
I have an experience at such empty times often of, for lack of a better term, very short takes out of dreams…split seconds. But they’re bad dreams. Not gory, but I’d say like scenes from a Godless place. There aren’t any living creatures that I can remember. I’m thinking this is like DTs? Anyone else experience anything like this? Perhaps it’s the empty land I must travel for a while? Or a truer perspective of the one I’ve been in?? Perhaps they’re parts of dreams spelling things out…dreams that I’ve forgotten.
I have had 16 years of lies, emotional blackmail, and recently violent abuse. Amazing to me that she actually blames me for her behaviour, I have split from her now, the threats still go on and on, she has suggested burning my clothes unless I give her money, sold my things, and yet she wants me to go back and that she loves me . Because I will not go back the threats keep coming. I do not answer phone any more so they now come in the mail. Crazy to think she ran up a 22,000 credit card bill over the 16 years without me knowing. The worst thing was telling me she slept with her ex in the first year we was together and then now tells me that she didn`t and that she was only winding me up. I lost my family, my friends, my money and self esteem. NOT NO MORE, I will overcome this situation, my whole life fits into a car, but I will get through this, best wishes, a survivor…..
Good on you Steve. For you and anyone else left with Credit Card Debt or being hounded by Debt Collectors, read this website carefully – getoutofdebtfree.org – you are not breaking any laws by following this. I have been able to deal with debt collectors. My next one is credit card debt. Make sure you click on the right flag according to your country up the top right hand corner. All you guys who have taken on women to have a family with are worth so much more than you are led to believe, even as human beings. So, yes, it’s been or has been a really tough ride, but you must believe you will survive – which you will. All the best to you.
Another example for thos e reading here, leave NOW, it does not get better with time if anything it gets worse and you pay a heavier price by not leaving ASAP.