What Makes your Control Freak Wife or Girlfriend Tick


control a man remoteDoes your wife or girlfriend tell you what to do most or all of the time? Does she become enraged or sullen and withdrawn if she doesn’t get her way? Does she needle you endlessly until you capitulate? Controlling behaviors and attitudes are just another aspect of emotionally abusive women with Borderline and/or Narcissistic personality traits.

It’s natural to want to have control over your own life. However, most of us realize you can’t control everything, especially other people. You can make requests or try to influence others, but you can’t control them. Psychologist Dr Thomas Schumacher writes, “When you have to be in control of the people around you…when you literally can’t rest until you get your own way . . . you have a personality disorder.”

Here’s the rub: You can’t control others. Not really. When you spend your every waking moment worrying about what others are doing, compulsively trying to control them, you’re the one who ultimately becomes controlled by your desire to control. It’s a paradoxical effect. For those of you who are involved with an emotionally abusive, controlling woman, you probably recognize that maniacal, “out of control” look in her eyes when she’s trying to bend you to her will and you’re trying to resist.

Are control freaks and Narcissistic and/or Borderline women one and the same?

There’s a lot of overlap between the characteristics of “control freaks” and emotionally abusive NPD/BPD women. This isn’t a great leap since many men who are involved with these women describe them as “controlling.” If you think of this woman as a cubic zirconia, “control freak” is just another facet that flashes in the light like “bully,” “professional victim,” “pathological jealousy,” “hypercritical,” etc. Or, put another way, it’s another piece of the fragmented BPD/NPD woman jigsaw puzzle.

Control freaks and abusive, high-conflict women:

  • Have difficulty trusting others.
  • Have a profound fear of having their flaws exposed.
  • Cannot tolerate feeling vulnerable (and, therefore, can’t handle intimacy).
  • Are riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurity and anger.

What’s really going on?

Why does she invest so much in trying to control you and your reality? Because she tries to manage her anxiety by trying to control you. Control is her anxiety management technique of choice. She doesn’t experience anxiety like a relatively healthy person does — an unpleasant sensation that will eventually pass. To this woman, anxiety is a painful reminder that something is wrong with her. To acknowledge this is akin to being lowered into a dark, bottomless pit with no way out. There is a way out, of course; facing her issues and feeling her feelings, but she’s not going to do that!

Facing her fears and working through her issues would mean admitting she actually has issues, which would mean holding herself accountable and not blaming others. It makes much more sense (to her and remember, she’s the only one who matters) to deny and ignore her problems and push and poke at you because you’re the one with the problem, not her.

Her strategy is unconscious for the most part and goes something like this: If you’re both totally focused on and consumed by what a useless, screw-up jerk you are, no one will notice her glaring flaws, especially her. Get it? I feel dizzy from typing that last piece of emotional reasoning, but that’s what goes on in the dark recesses of her brain.

She tries to stave off her deep-seated fear of having her true self exposed by controlling every aspect of her life and her relationship with you, including imposing her distorted version of reality upon you. She views her ability to control you as a matter of survival—her psychological survival, that is. “Being in control gives her the temporary illusion of a sense of calmness. When she feels she is prevailing, you can just about sense the tension oozing out of her” (Schumacher).

Think about it. When does she come close to being in a good mood or smile with pure pleasure? When she feels like she’s in the catbird seat because she’s gotten her way, pulled one over on you or pulled the rug out from underneath you. The size of her smile is in direct proportion to the number of times she twisted the proverbial knife.

More defensive mechanisms: Projection and projective identification.

Projection and projective identification play a part in her controlling behaviors. She maps her feelings onto you and controls you by inducing these feelings within you. Her controlling facade masks her true internal experience. Deep down she feels frightened, out of control, incompetent and helpless.

Les Parrot (The Control Freak) writes:

“People who want to exert control over everything can make those around them feel inadequate, insecure, nervous, angry, anxious and physically sick. Their message is: I don’t trust you to be able to do it right; I don’t respect your judgment; I don’t think you are competent; I don’t value your insight.”

Whether or not this woman is aware of it, this is how she feels about herself. Once you recognize the defense mechanisms at play, it becomes a little easier to take her hurtful behaviors less personally. She’d be like this with anyone.

In order for her to win, you must lose.

Because this is a matter of psychological survival to her, she has to steamroll you in order to avoid feeling helpless. “To relinquish control is tantamount to being victimized and overwhelmed” (Schumacher). Unfortunately, her fears also fuel her lack of empathy toward you and create the mindset: “Victimize or be victimized; dominate or be dominated.”

To the abusive woman, it’s not enough to merely control you. She only feels in control and good about herself if she makes you feel less than. Her mood becomes buoyant as she cuts you down. She has to make you feel useless, disoriented and helpless, so that she doesn’t feel this way.

This is evidence of a faulty belief system. She has a one-up/one-down mentality. She believes that in every interpersonal interaction there’s a winner and a loser and she will fight tooth and nail against being the “loser.” This is why it’s virtually impossible for this woman to compromise or make concessions. To her, compromise and concession are humiliating defeats. She’d rather blow the house up and everything in it than compromise or take personal responsibility. Anyone who’s gone through a high-conflict divorce with a BPD/NPD/Sociopath knows this only too well.

Her need to control, however, will come back to bite her on the backside. Instead of feeling and appearing in control, this woman comes across as out of control when trying to exert control. Oftentimes, those living under her tyranny eventually stage a revolt and/or bolt from the relationship ultimately causing her to lose control.

Losing control

Schumacher cites the rapid phases this kind of woman goes through when she’s not getting her way or feels she’s losing control. For example, when you challenge her or threaten to end the relationship, she probably exhibits the following emotional states in quick succession:

  1. Angry and agitated. (You’re treated to a rage episode and/or nasty commentary, blame and accusations.)
  2. Panicky and apprehensive. (She exposes fleeting vulnerability as she tries to “feel you out” in order to see how and if she can regain control. She may worry that she’s gone too far and is testing the waters before gearing up for another control maneuver.)
  3. Agitated and threatening. (Because anxiety is ego dystonic—i.e., painfully uncomfortable—she quickly reverts to form and begins to bully you and issue ultimatums and threats of punishment.)
  4. Depression and despair. (When all else fails, she becomes sullen and withdrawn and suffers a temporary identity crisis.)

Her unhealthy coping mechanism (control) becomes an unhealthy and rigid pattern. Because it’s impossible to control others, she’s locked in the endless loop of fighting off real and imagined threats to her control. Since she won’t look at her own issues and focuses solely on controlling you and her environment, she never gains mastery over the fears that plague her. Her attempts at mastery (control) over her emotions and fears instead become a replay of misery for herself and others. But remember, she’ll probably never be able to see herself as part of the problem, which means it’s highly unlikely she’ll ever change.

Psychologist, Dr Patricia A. Farrell, states: “They’re highly resistant to any therapy, and there is no medication for the personality disorder.” To seek help themselves, she says, “the control freak has to be convinced the price is too great not to, and that doesn’t happen very often.”

Yes, this woman is deeply troubled, but it is NOT your responsibility to tolerate, accept or change her. The only way to gain mastery over a relationship with this kind of woman is to end it. Otherwise, you’ll begin an endless replay loop of your own misery.

Next week I’ll post ways to manage an emotionally abusive “control freak,” so please check back.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries or send an email to shrink4men@gmail.com.

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  1. K
    April 14, 2019 at 5:15 pm

    Really what it boils down to is just being a child in your mind.

    The funny thing with people is the very thing they accuse others of doing is what they are guilty of themselves. Thats the paradox.

    With control freaks, never give them an inch. Make it perfectly clear that tantrums over things not going their way will not be tolerated. Period.

    The funny thing is, control freaks are actually the ones that need to be controlled in some way.

  2. D
    August 22, 2017 at 9:12 pm

    Wow. This article hit home big time.

    I am a guy in my mid 40s now married for 9 years, with 1 stepdaughter (my wife’s from her previous marriage). In the last 7 years, my wife has become more and more controlling. She absolutely MUST control weekend activities, and they absolutely MUST involve her extended family. Her mother, brother and until recently, her father, are all higher priorities than her marriage. She insists that I also put her family’s demands ahead of my own needs, and that anything I do outside the home MUST somehow serve her needs or those of her family. Hobbies, sports, date nights – all are prohibited by my wife because they interfere with the needs of her family, particularly her elderly mother who is demanding, arrogant and self centered (she even wanted to put my 75 yr old father to work for her!). My wife recently would not commit to any sort of family vacation this summer UNLESS it involved me driving her out to see her brother, visiting my folks 3 hrs away from them for 2-3 days and then driving her & her brother back home. I offered to fly her & stepdaughter out to see him but she rejected that because I couldn’t drive her brother back. So I booked a vacation myself, to somewhere I knew my wife & stepdaughter would not be interested in. My wife was furious because that meant I would not be around to pander to them and her mother. My wife routinely asks for help with her coursework (she is a university teacher) which I try to provide, but will also ask for things like massages or shoulder rubs at the same time. If I ever ask for one I am ignored, rebuffed, or told, ‘sorry, I can’t help falling asleep’. In any case, my needs are routinely disregarded by her. She won’t even do date nights because ‘it would be mean to [her mother]’. I have been to counseling to see if this marriage can be saved. I was told by the counselor, ‘you don’t have a marriage’.

  3. June 29, 2017 at 8:21 pm

    Hello,
    I have to say this article is really spot on, it describes 15 years of cyclic failures to contain our marriage
    I have one question though, I understood from this article that there is no hope of fixing such person and one should leave, the same I got from the article about NPD and the one about 10 lies men tell them selves, also these articles are spot on

    It is sad to know these personality disorders has no treatment, I can’t stop thinking that one day one of my daughters will be playing this witch wife role and there is nothing to do about it

  4. Jason
    January 29, 2017 at 9:21 pm

    By far thr most accurate description of what im dealing with right now. Ive been dating her for about 3 months now and its gotten insanely out of control. I admit I should have left already but I honestly think there may be a way to help her. Unfortunately I dont know if I can control myself long enough. She must know everytime I get a text email or call. Dictates who I can and cant talk to. Is constantly accusing me of hiding things. Has deleted all my old female friends from phone and blocks on facebook (even keeps track of how many friends I have in case I attempt to refriend someone. Has my phone more than I do each day going through and drilling me about everything on it. Will lie about anything and deny it to the bitter end. Hasnever backed down, admitted any wrong doing or even appologized for yelling daily, threatening to leave but doesnt, threatens to kill herself if i leave. Im sorry im raanting on but she’s and ex veteran thats had e miscarriages and a messy divorce then some severe ptsd on top of it over shooting a small child in afganistan. Givin her circumstances and how much i did fall for her during the 1st month of knowing her I really do want to help but do not know what to do. I follow all the advise about staying calm, explaining my feelings, praise when she handles something better than expected. What else is there if anything? She deserves so much better but how do I get through to her???

    • shrink4men
      January 30, 2017 at 12:45 am

      There is no getting through to her. You are describing abuse. You shouldn’t have to explain to an adult how to behave like a reasonable, decent human being. She deserves so much better? Sounds like you’re tolerating her abuse with a smile. YOU deserve so much better. End it now before you get her pregnant.

  5. Notbornracist
    December 17, 2016 at 3:54 pm

    Thanks I really thought it was entirley my fault, I had recently gave up a pot addiction but little seemed to change in my relationship with my wife, I thought I was being needy, as she never showed any emtions towards me, or in times of phycological crisis I was merley left to my own accused of being weak, now I know better, Im takeing back control on certain aspects of my life, like friends and leisure, this she does not like, rescently discovered she had been haveing contact with my estranged family, Im furious of course, the history of my split with part of my family, means I view her contact with them as a betryal, all this before Christmas, I have to stow it till the new year, for the sake of the children, but armed with new knowledge, I can now forge forward, I plan to leave, this person is so stressfull to deal with its hard to coup.

  6. John
    June 23, 2016 at 8:17 pm

    I just left after 2 years of marriage. I knew there was something wrong but didn’t know about these disorders. I left because her behavior doesn’t tally with the Biblical description of a wife.

    Then, I read this blog and oh my! A lot of the stories sound like mine.

    I am also convinced that in the spiritual realm, what is being described is witchcraft borne out of the Jezebel spirit.

    Thanks for all the education.

  7. Scott Stecher
    February 19, 2016 at 3:38 pm

    Wow!! This sounds exactly to the T what I’ve been dealing with for four years!!

  8. LostEle
    October 31, 2014 at 6:37 am

    I am in a relationship with my partner just about 10 months ago. She was a cheery bubbly passionate and caring person. Thats what drew me to her. Things were awesome when we first started and it did not last long. into our third month, she had a melt down when we went for a run. there was just this 20 secs that i wanted to push myself and sprinted ahead of her and then waited for her so we can run together again. she blew her top. it was a big melt down saying that i did not think of her and she felt stressed when i ran passed her and i wasnt thoughtful to think that she would feel horrible for running slower. that was the first episode.
    i agree that i am not the neatest person on earth. like folding clothes, putting back things exactly the way it was, having to make sure that clothes are hung evenly etc etc. but over time, every of my moves were being scrutinized. the way i speak, the way that i am messy, not folding clothes the way she does, not remembering to help her remember to wear her watch, not helping her to switch off aircons, fan while she is preparing to go out. she then started to control what i wear. that i wore the same few t shirts and board shorts over the weekend. that i changed into more comfortable wear after work to go wait for her. she asked me once…”have you thought of how i feel when i walk next to you when you are in tshirts and berms when you meet me after work? she has issues with my work clothes, have been asking me to buy more pants, more shirts and when i procrastinated she is extremely unhappy.

    even today, i saw s=my friends post on facebook asking for small donation for a family whose utilities are being cut off. Maybe $50. i wanted to help. but out of respect i told my partner wanting to keep her informed and support from her. she gave me a bashing instead. saying that i need to watch my expanses. i need to plan to buy pants, shirts, shoes, and for xmas. and she feels that its a scam. i feel VERY STIFLED. i no longer feel like myself. i am nervous around her. when i control my temper and reply her in a nice way, she said that she hates it when i am walking on egg shells. when i dont and speak normally as a person who is agitated, she says she doesn’t like the way i spoke with her. i am no longer doing anything right. whatever i do is not good enough. i lost my my confidence. everyday i do not know what i would do or not do that will cause her to blow up. she blows up often. her mood is more irregular than a roller coaster.

    in honesty, i am tired. but its only 10 months. and i love her. i do. i love the her that she was when we were not together. but i am unfortunately that i have to say this… i am unhappy. i am so lost. i feel sometimes that i cant breathe.

  9. rodney
    June 17, 2014 at 3:17 pm

    after reading some of this make me see the real wife I have had to deal with for 22 years and how now I have my own issues because of her and why I have depression and why my adoped daughter has issues too .

  10. whodoyouthinkyouareme
    June 10, 2014 at 10:39 am

    This is my mother. I’m female and I have to put up with this controlling behaviour, unpleasable tyranny and victim mentality and oh yeah she’s a professional martyr too.

    She’ll control how people work, how they educate themselves, how they live their lives, butt in with her opinion, passive aggressively get other people to give her opinion or says so and so says this to get you to change, feels hard done by for having to clean her home, won’t say what she wants but gets into hysterics if it isn’t done, claims no one helps her (they do in their own way but then bitches about them to all and sun dry and belittles their efforts… NICE), blames others for her problems and holds them emotionally hostage or makes people choose with force and wears them down and then gets pissed at them when they’ve given up even though she’s spent all of her time telling you what you’ve chosen is wrong (crazy making), name calling, swearing, ‘you need a doctor cause you have problems’, bullies emotionally and financially (oh yeah she has money problems too because of excessive spending, loans and thinking people are going to continually enable her down the drain spending).

    Its tiring and annoying. At 27 years old I shouldn’t have to be still dealing with this crap like I’m 13 again. I’m learning to ignore her now and I dread doing anything with her because crazy is too much. I use to think there was something wrong with me but there isn’t. She’s like this with her husband, my brother and my sister at times. Maybe that’s why my father left or couldn’t deal. No other family members see this nonsense and her harem Co sign to her BS because she supports their own BS.

    Sorry, end of rant. I needed to get that off my chest.

    • Jp
      June 10, 2014 at 3:36 pm

      Dump her. Seriously. I told my narc father to go to hell when I was 22. That was more than 22 years ago. Haven’t regretted it for one second.

      She’ll never get better and you’ll never fully come into your own as long as her toxic BS is getting into your system.

      Good luck.

  11. Mo
    February 9, 2014 at 10:19 am

    I just stumbled across this article. My God I wish I had read this before I got destroyed, wiped out and feeling like a weak and sad failure. Thankyou for detailing and explaining in depth the traits of a controlling and abusive woman. This should be made available to everyone.

  12. Rod
    January 6, 2014 at 4:00 pm

    Hi everyone,

    I’m writing because I’m really desperate, and need some help.

    I’m 41 years old. My wife and I are together for 20 years now. We have a beautifull 12 year boy, my greatest pride in life.

    When I first met my wife, she was a sweet and funny girl, who became my company in everything. She was nice, kind and we had a lot of fun in the beginning of our relationship. In fact, when I was most lonely, she helped me a lot.

    It didn’t took too long for me to notice some changes. After a couple of years, she was showing more and more some disturbing behavior, increasingly becoming angry all the time. Our fights were getting each time more vicious (although never phisical). On the other hand, me with my conciliating mood always tried to manage the situations what, looking back, just made it everything worse.

    She’s a lawyer. But when she was pregnant, she decided to stop, and devote to raise our son. I was ok with the decision, and supported the family since then. But she never found a good time to return to her activities. Now she says she chose the wrong profession, and returned to university. And again, I was supportive. But I think she misses the professional realization, and blames me for her failure.

    After my son was born, and after I lost a job and started a home office (wich, after 3 years, is going fine) our life is a complete mess. Here’s what I’m living right now:

    – Everything makes her angry: The slightest of thing can turn her mood. And I can never seem to anticipate her angst.

    – She’s complaints about EVERYTHING: From the tone of my voice to the way I blow my nose. The way I breathe, the things I forget, the way I do the dishes, how my breath smells (and I’m very hygienic), my way of running my company, the subjects I talk, my memory, if I cook, if I don’t cook. She complaints about the cleanliness of the house, because my body hair drops in the floor, if I move while watching a movie, the way I eat. Well, long story short, I hear complaints EVERYDAY, several times a day.

    – She’s always right: No matter what we’re doing, she knows a better way. Her way. She have to be in control ALL THE TIME. When watching TV, the remote must be with her, when we are both in the car, she has to drive. She has to control where I go, what we will do in the weekend, if and who we will receive for holidays, what I’m going the wear, what we will eat.

    – She’s a terrible perfectionist: Anything we do is good enough, she always have something to point.

    – Always puts me down: She’s always telling me, in not so nice ways, that I can’t do anything right. She’s very pratical, and knows how to use tools, and tries to do all by herself. Says that I’m not fitted for “man’s work”. In fact, I was very bad in the beginning, but now I know my way and do most of stuff I need to. She feels that everything wrong with her life is my fault. Always me.

    – She never apologize: Never, never, never. In all those years, I must have heard an apology only a very few times, and not for anything really important.

    – She’s aparting me from my family: She had problems with my mother, with my sister, and if I let it go farther, with my brother, who is just about the nicest guy in the world. I feel my family took some distance, as I think is unconfortable for them to watch her being hard to me all the time.

    – She judges everybody: When we talk at home, she always has harsh things to say about everybody we know.

    – It’s very hard for her to compliment me – When I cook something nice, when I write her something sweet, when I do something right in the house, even when I buy her something, she never really does a real compliment. Only when something really different happens, and usually related to my work, I receive some not euphoric compliment.

    – Out intimacy is very low – She sometimes complaint that I’m not the stallion she wanted. The fact is that I don’t feel aroused after so much fighting all day. On the other hand, she gain a lot of weight during those year, and this affected me. Also, she is incapable of seducing me. She just waits for me, and if I do nothing, she sleeps and complaints after. She is looks older than she is, because she thinks beauty treatments are a waste of time or money. I try to be in shape, lost some weight, and now I feel I’m better than she is.

    – She has a strange relation with money: She never wants to spend, wich makes us not enjoying some conforts to save money. I know this have a good side, but more than often, we are not doing things we want just to save some minor money.

    I’ve been living with this problems for quite sometime now. Last year this became a real problem, and we decided to go for a couples therapy. This therapy result in nothing, but
    I decided to continue alone. She tried to be in therapy too, but she always complained that all her shrinks were bad, and she knew more than then.

    I don’t know what changed, but the fact is that I can’t take it anymore. The worse thing is she can behavior like a princess in the outside, so for a good part of our friends, we have a perfect marriage, and this only makes the pressure higher on me. I’ve looked to all the sides of this story, and I can’t think but it will not get better. Only worse with the time. Her family has a lot of problems too, including some very physical fights between her mom and dad. And I think she is little by little transforming our family in hers.

    She is a kind and loving mother, but as my son is becoming a teenager, her angst is getting to him more and more, and I fear for the future.

    Unless something very new occurs, I think I’m getting a divorce. Wich is very sad, because there’s a very effective side in our marriage. We’ve conquer a lot by ourselves all this years. We never had any help, and she helped me through a lot of stuff. that’s what kept me in until now. But I can’t take it anymore.

    Does somebody gone through something like that and can help me? Sorry for the long letter.

    thank you

    • JP
      January 8, 2014 at 7:01 pm

      Hi Rod,

      I’ve been a visitor and commenter on this site since it was started in 2009. I haven’t been active for the last year or so because after 7 years separated/divorced from my ex (after 16 yrs together), things have finally settled down. I’ve achieved a level of detachment, I’ve come to anticipate my ex’s moves, know how to handle them, and have regained enough backbone and self worth to stand up for myself consistently enough so that she doesn’t mess with me much anymore.

      I had every single one of the issues with my wife that you mention (except her issue around money is to spend, spend, spend…a different kind of control).

      I can tell you that the trajectory was the same. She was the best in the beginning, and then after a couple of years as the wedding approached, she pulled away, and we never got back to the good stuff. She became increasingly controlling, domineering, critical, and withholding of warmth, affection, sex, etc. And of course, no apologies, she can never be wrong, her way is the only way, nobody else is competent or “understands”, etc.

      I’m sorry to say it never gets better, only worse. And of course, if you divorce her, she’ll experience the ultimate loss of control, and all of her controlling and abusive behaviors will get worse. She will never forgive you, and she will forget everything decent about you, and instead she’ll create a caricature of you–in many ways the opposite of who you really are–and she will treat you like THAT guy, and try to paint you as that guy to everyone else.

      So you need to be prepared. You need to plan your divorce carefully and in secret. You need find the best attorney you can afford and do whatever you need to do to protect yourself and your son financially and make sure you have 50% legal custody and as much physical custody as you can get. (I would start out asking for 100% with the goal of ending up with 50%).

      If you “take the high road” and fall on your sword (in other words, give in to most of what she wants in the divorce), thinking she’ll appreciate your flexibility and will reciprocate when you’re co-parenting, you will just be screwing yourself. Already, no matter what you do is wrong and it’s never enough. Once you signal your intent to divorce, she will cease to see you as a huuan being and will only think in terms of what she can manipulate you into giving her.

      Which brings me to the emotional piece. You will be shocked at how easily she writes you off as a person. Yes, you’ve grown used to her disdain and contempt, but as long as she’s angry at you, you might think that underneath it, she wants to work something out. But forget it. You’ve poured your heart and soul into this woman for years and it just gets worse. When you leave her, she will erase you from her list of people she thinks of as people.

      It might be very confusing and painful. And you might be tempted to react by doubling down on trying to please her. But don’t. It won’t help and it will only empower her to ask for more. You need to accept that she doesn’t see you as fully human. You’re just a piece on a chessboard for her to move around as she tries to get more and more of what she’ll want, namely total control of your son’s time and money, money, money.

      It will get worse before it gets better. She’ll sabotage your connections with mutual friends, she’ll shit on you to your son.

      But you can do it. Many have before you and many will come after. You need to a) plan wisely, b) be internally tough as nails, c) be patient and look at the long view, and d) have faith that better days will come.

      Good luck.
      JP

      • Rod
        January 9, 2014 at 12:13 pm

        JP, thank you very much for your response.

        I’m doing pretty much as you said. Trying to plan a way out, as I noticed there’s no much hope on thing getting better anytime soon.

        The fact is I keep trying to understand. And searching in forums and sites like this, I became more and more convinced that my wife has a Borderline Personality Disorder. I’ve never heard about this illness before.

        I’m reading “Stop Walking in Eggshells” (the title must be written specially for me) and I can relate to EVERY behavior described in the book.

        But knowing this only help me in acknowledging that I’m not crazy, nor as bad as she tells me. Because, for all that I have read so far, it makes no sense in telling her about this condition. It may only get things worse. So for now, my suspicious are like a little secret of mine. Which makes me even more lonely.

        I certainly have a degree of blame in all this, as I LET THIS HAPPEN, and it makes me angry with myself. Other men would never take this kind of shit for even a day, and I’m standing for 20 years… Oh god, 20 YEARS.

        As I read and read on, I see that we, the husbands of BPD Wifes, follow a certain pattern as well. We stay. We try. We worry. Other kind of people would just walk away without much thinking.

        For now, thank you very much. I’ll be hanging here, and I hope I can achieve the state of mind you are now with the minimum amount of pain possible in the process.

        Cheers.

  13. Jon R.
    December 24, 2013 at 8:57 pm

    Wow, spot-on for me. I can’t leave though, financial reasons. I will suffer either way I guess.

  14. James McDermott
    October 15, 2013 at 6:14 pm

    I’m so glad I came across this article. Filled with insight and confirmations that I’m not the one “fully” responsible. All the symtoms and situations explained here have all happened and been happening in our past 3 years of marraige. We have a 2 in a half year boy together and it makes so hard for me to get out. Not to mention the fact that we’re living in country that’s foreign to me. I’m from Hawaii and now live in Finland. My wife is uncommunicatable. We can’t even have a peaceful sit-down talk at all. She gets beligerent and starts yelling and swearing and ends up doing all the talking and blaming. Oh well…I have to make a decision and soon. She won’t seek help of course but is very quick in recommending I seek help.

  15. Mac
    October 11, 2013 at 2:50 am

    Currently researching into “PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME” by Narcissistic, Sociopath, Borderline Personality Disordered “”nut job” women, who deceive, manipulate, lie, cheat & steal their way into keeping & treating their children as personal possessions whilst systematically trying to destroy the ex husband in the child’s eyes by any and all means….they have a win at all cost mentality, where the former partner must be destroyed. They are, in all essence, the very epitome of evil, the very worst kind of abusers.

    They usually have a sad childhood there selves, some by being placed second to a sibling by their own parents who bond with the more loving sibling and dismiss them because of their cold nature, naturally warming to the more loving child. They then go on to split and create false selves, always trying to be the No1 in the parents eyes, thinking they can prove they are better than the other sibling by gaining material possessions and better career positions….always coming up short….and never attaining what they so desperately want…to be the No1. They are cold blooded and have no real understanding of love or empathy for others whatsoever. They are pretty easy to spot once you are AWARE of what your dealing with, and that is the problem….becoming AWARE, this is usually only seen when they look to discard or gain something they desire. They are hugely immoral creatures and will plumb the very depths with ease as they have little to no conscience or morality. One of the strongest markers is they will not suffer the slightest criticism, and will react strongly in the face of any, even if it is well intentioned or constructive. They will often brag to others how much they tried to get the children & father together….(a chasm they created)…”but the children just hate him so much, what can I do”… or that other old chestnut “The children are free to do as they want”…(and boy, do they know exactly what their mother wants….woe betide them if they took a different course….just a look would be enough). They often “project” and this will easily be borne out in their past history when you thoroughly analyse it and their former victims. Be warned that this type plans well in advance for the husbands downfall using any and all foul means, they are already well on the way denigrating the father to the children, fully aware of what they are doing….while he is generally unaware, (as no one would expect that type of evil from someone who purported to love them or their children).

    The only advantage I can see with these types is that they are usually very UNINTELLIGENT and will repeatedly lie through court documentation or on anything factual which then can be easily held onto for future reference. My advice here is to hold onto everything, including all phone text messaging as this alone will tell an interesting story. I know that in my case just one of the many things listed in official court documents as provided by the ex, was a table defining all that I had supposedly provided by way of income or other, apparently, according to her, I had provided ZERO % to my own children in 15 of the 17 listed categories, and I was given 1% in the other 2 over the sum total of 18 years of my children’s lives, those items listed ranged from financial, sporting, educational & care…..THIS EQUATED MY TOTAL SUPPORT FOR MY CHILDREN AT .00117% (I would have literally needed to be living in the Antarctic for this to be possible….lol)….but we aren’t exactly dealing with someone of sound mind here and this soon becomes apparent as the paperwork rolls out. Just as scary are the solicitors who facilitate these women and these equally outrageous claims….(What’s that old saying….”like finding like”….they certainly do…they sniff money & each other like a bloodhound….morals & integrity play no part with this kind.)

    Another tactic worth mentioning is the tactic that the father doesn’t pay any child support, which is used to drive the father further down in the eye’s of the child’s & others, WHEN IN FACT court transcripts will clearly show that this has been allocated for & noted by the presiding judge in their property assessment percentage split…..however, she won’t be one to let the facts get in the way of her delusional agenda….scary indeed, and I might add easily proven by the court record.

    And then there are some of the children of these deranged women who have the same recessive, personality disordered gene, unfortunate as it may be, (as it can & does flow down the maternal line, and you will most always find a history of domineering women and subservient men who when asked to jump…always respond, “how high”, these are without question strongly Matriarchal households.) Children with this gene mostly cannot be helped. What to look out for in these children is if they have zero empathy for others, won’t take the slightest criticism etc, They may also lack love & concern even for the family dog, or if the dog was closer to the father, start hating the dog as well, this is usually a strong indicator of a disordered personality… no care for animals generally, they are just objects like a chair, nothing concerns them except for their own self, image, money & power. These types WILL parrot the mother….a mini me if you will & actually partake in the lies of the mother KNOWINGLY….this is a hard one to accept for the father….that they KNOW what they are doing. Once the father gets past the loss & grief…(which is far worse than a death), and really looks deeply into what these older children are and have become by their very actions, they must move on, as nothing can be done for them. Money & control is their only driver now, so be sure not to leave them a cent in your will, the children you thought you knew & loved have literally left the building, (maybe they were never in it….you just refused to look). They will even go as far as calling you by your first name instead of Dad. These types also only see the mother as “all good” and the father as “all bad” with no good experiences with the father to speak of at all, this is a VERY STRONG indicator, perhaps one of the strongest, as no normal child if asked, would view both their parents in such a distorted all good, all bad fashion. They also show very little emotion in what should be, for a normal child, a heart breaking event and barely miss a beat…much like the disordered mother. As hard as it is to look for the father, (and this is an unbelievably hard thing to do), look you must, for if you do not you will be like the proverbial dog chasing its tail for the rest of your life, not believing that this is possible and never moving forward.

    For the other true child victims of this insane woman is that they purely and simply have no awareness, and believe anything that comes out of her mouth without putting her to the test…as they should be able to believe their own Mum…right?…WRONG..and they WILL understand further down the track when and if they ever inquire into all the facts upon maturing, also being more out from under the complete controlling, domineering nature of the mother and her extended family by default, who often try to hide what they know is wrong.

    Only the really strong children would ever make it that far, and given the overwhelming nature that these controlling she-beasts & family have over them, the odds are not stacked in their favour as they will use every dirty trick in the book, crying at will….”look at all I’ve done for you”, etc….It is only after they have scrolled through them all with no success that you get to see them rage out, where they will try to bend your will to theirs…eyes popping. The child may also, if lucky, understand more from other friends who will question their distorted thinking on such issues.

    Other factors to look for in these disordered women is no true care or concern for others, though they learn to mimic, this is an interesting aspect, as being a false self they have no real personality, no true humour….(sarcasm mostly), most with this disorder are very UNORIGINAL…(I would not in the least be surprised if what I have discussed is reversed onto me….such is their lack of originality) both in thought and creativity and all without exception are VERY CONTROLLING…finances, people etc. You can never get truly intimate with these types, the more you confide in them the more they see as information they can use against you (the thing I noticed on reflection was that there was virtually nothing shared by her side over a very long period of time, this shocked me).
    Strangely it is control itself which they use to overcome the overwhelming anxiety bottled within, inside they are a seething mass of insecurity….most pill popping just to sleep of a night, every night….they are always fearful of EXPOSURE.

    The future prognosis for the children of these deranged women is usually not a good one either way, as most lack the internal strength needed to seek out the TRUTH, and if found out, AND VERIFIED, their own personal guilt for their poor behaviour, judgement, would be overwhelming, this too would have to be overcome for a “normal” adult child to succeed and move forward. If they don’t however find this inner strength their own anxiety from within will ruin their lives, one would hope that inside of them there will be that small still voice that never quietens, or they should indeed hope that there is, for without that voice, the voice of conscience…they would be forever lost.

    Very sad creatures indeed these women and certainly best out of ones life after they have chosen another victim to pursue, purely because they cannot be helped and will make any man’s life a living hell, they are always scheming and planning their evil unknown to others, the love of the children is not a normal love for ones such as these…it is a complete ownership love…a possession, frantic & fearful. They will always stake a claim in their children’s lives never letting them acquire true independence, they will insinuate there selves into every aspect of their children’s lives, snooping, prying, invading their privacy all with the aim to keep their control.

    For the Ex Husband however, once over the shock, (and it will indeed shock you to fully see through them), and also being free & disentangled from their webs of manipulation & deceit, (and this does take time)… it is like living and breathing again for the very first time….a life free, away from these soul sucking people.

    My heart truly goes out to all the victims of these disgusting women and the poor children who grow up under their tutelage to either become them, or carry the scars from them, by losing those that would have otherwise truly loved them and been there for them all through their life.

    Blessings to all those who have encountered women like this, you can survive, and you can have a wonderful life….with those who truly care for you.

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