Emails from a Crazy Girlfriend: Drama in a Vacuum

While searching for images the other day I came upon this video montage of a two-week meltdown some poor guy’s girlfriend had while he was on holiday in Europe. The woman in question created the drama out of thin air. To say she had egg on her face when her boyfriend returned is an understatement. The whole hen house exploded.

. . . and . . .

3. Don’t confuse “passion” with pathology. It’s amazing how in the absence of any real interaction, Em just kept the drama going and going and going in her own mind until it all blew up in her face. I hope the next woman JD dates actually listens to him when he talks about his travel plans. Yowser.

posted by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

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MyVirtualShrink is an alternative to traditional psychotherapy and coaching. It offers a wide range of non-gender-biased interactive guided sessions for a variety of issues. For a 20% membership discount, enter this promotional code: IBWURBABUFK. For more information, please follow this link: Special Offer: My Virtual Shrink and/or email me directly.

The No Contact Rule: Ending an Abusive Relationship

. . . but she keeps texting me. . . but she keeps showing up at my gym. . . but she’s emailing to say she still loves me even though she’s dating a new guy. . . but what if I just text to tell her to stop texting me. . . but she keeps calling me. . .

No “but’s.” No “what if’s.” No bargaining with yourself. No Contact.

If you’re fortunate enough not to have had a child or children with a controlling, emotionally abusive woman or man of the Cluster B variety (narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, anti-social), the very best thing you can do for your emotional and physical well-being is to institute a strict No Contact Rule. No Contact doesn’t mean No Contact except for x, y and z. By “No Contact,” I mean NO—zero, nada, zilch—Contact. To use Freshmen Orientation parlance: No means no.

[This is the first of a series of posts I'm writing about no contact and gaining emotional distance from an abusive ex. If you share a child, you can't cut off contact entirely, but you can establish strict boundaries and emotional distance, which I'll address in the coming weeks.]

Breaking Up Borderline, Narcissist, Histrionic or Sociopath Style

There are primarily five ways a break up with an abusive individual plays out:

1. You end the relationship and want nothing more to do with her, but she won’t leave you alone. Individuals who are more BPD or HPD tend to behave this way. Most NPDs won’t chase after you or grovel to get you back—they’ll bully and threaten, but not grovel.
2. She ends the relationship, cuts you out of her life and begins dating other men immediately. You wonder if you ever meant anything to her at all. You convince yourself that you’re still in love (Stockholm Syndrome) with her and contact her only to be ignored or emotionally smacked down. All cluster B’s are capable of this behavior. They view people as objects to use, therefore, everyone is replaceable after they suck them dry.
3. She breaks up with you and then begs you to take her back or “magnanimously” offers you another chance. You reunite, she breaks up with you again and a pattern of her jerking your chain develops. A BPD is more likely to beg and plead, while a NPD will make it seem like she’s doing you a favor by reconciling.
4. She breaks up with you/you break up with her and you receive a flurry of angry, hurtful, conciliatory, desperate and/or seductive emails, texts, calls and/or voicemails. She spews the most vile things at you—insulting your manhood and threatening “revenge” for the audacity of not wanting to further subject yourself to her abuse—or tries to lure you back in with her crisis du jour (e.g., my car broke down, someone threatened her, someone’s being “mean” to her) or explicit sexual come-on’s. The more you ask her to leave you alone or try to reason with her, the more she amps up her stalking-harassing behavior. All Cluster B’s are likely to behave this way.
5. You get caught in a sick dynamic in which you’re both breaking up with each other (sometimes several times in the same day) and hurl insults back and forth via text or email. Then you get back together or plan to get back together or have sex, everything blows up, you break up again, compete to see who can hurt the other more and create a sick and highly self-destructive cycle of mutual abuse. If you’re engaging in this particular dynamic, I urge you to take a step back, look at what you’re doing and get professional help to break the cycle. This dynamic is typical when both individuals have one or some variation of the Cluster B disorders or if one partner is extremely co-dependent and the other abusive.

Why no contact?

If any of the above scenarios apply, you must distance yourself physically and emotionally from your ex and that means No Contact. If you’re having difficulty implementing and/or maintaining the No Contact Rule, ask yourself why and be honest. For example:

• Do you have hope you can work things out with your ex?
• Are you caught up in the conflict and drama?
• Does it give you a rush?
• Do you need to have the last word?
• Do you want her to acknowledge you’re “right?”
• Are you still clinging to some rescuer-white knight fantasy?
• Do you think you can’t live without her?

You’ll have a difficult time establishing and maintaining No Contact if you answered “yes” to any of these questions. If your ex has a personality disorder, the qualities and behaviors that drove you away, caused her to abuse you or discard you are highly unlikely to change. If  you’re easily sucked into the drama, want to save her or don’t think you can live and be happy without her, you need to do some work on yourself to understand why you’re so dependent upon your ex. No one else can love you enough for you to be able to love yourself. True happiness is contingent upon you; not what someone else does or doesn’t do for you. You need to be able to do both of these things for yourself before you can find happiness and love with another person.

Think of No Contact as going cold turkey. In many ways, a relationship with an abusive woman (or man) is like an addiction. A heroin addict cannot have just a little heroin nor can you handle just a little contact with your ex. In the best of circumstances, two reasonably healthy and emotionally mature individuals can be friends after breaking up. The opposite is true if you were involved with a borderline, narcissist, histrionic, sociopath or some variation of all of the above. An abusive relationship is not a normal relationship, therefore, you cannot be friends afterward.

Do not view No Contact as a way to “win” your ex back. This is a losing strategy. No Contact is to help you gain emotional, psychological and physical distance in order to heal and move forward in your life. The goal isn’t to make her “miss” you or to punish her. The goal is to establish peace of mind and freedom from the pain your ex caused you. Your ex is the source of your pain. To stop hurting and mend, you need to avoid the source of the pain.

Next week, I’ll publish the second post in this series that explains why No Contact is so important to your overall well-being and physical and mental health.

by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

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Dating Street Smarts: How to Spot Emotional Predators and Con Artists

The dating world is full of predators who will take you for quite a ride if you’re not wise to them. Many men feel like they were sold a bill of goods or “suckered” by their respective spouses, partners or exes and, to a certain extent, they’re right. However, like most victims of a scam, they’ve been willing targets.

A scam artist and/or emotional predator can easily identify a potential mark in a crowd. Bullies, narcissists, borderlines, histrionics and sociopaths like easy targets. They go after people who are kind, generous, trusting, eager to please, self-reflective, competent, talented or “gifted” in some way and, most importantly, people who have a desire to cooperate or work things out and a non-confrontational personal style (Namie, 2003).

These are wonderful qualities, which make you a great catch—especially for an emotional predator because it makes you easier to steamroll. This means you have to learn to be more discerning and develop dating street smarts when it comes to new relationships. Here are some things to consider so you can sort the “good eggs” from the “bad eggs:”

1. Picture perfect. No matter how logical and intelligent we are, many of us still want to believe in Disney-fied fairy tale relationships. This is why so many people fall for the carefully crafted facade of predatory personalities (NPD, BPD, APD, HPD, etc). They uncannily intuit what you’re looking for and then pretend to give it to you until they’re confident you’ve developed an attachment to them. Then the mask comes off and the Jekyll and Hyde metamorphosis occurs.

Reality: If someone seems too good to be true, she or he probably is. No one’s perfect; everyone has flaws. A healthy individual acknowledges his or her personal short-comings and works on them. An emotional predator will do her or his best to hide their flaws, cruel streak and self-centered-ness (although, some of them put it all right out there and incredibly still attract mates).

Once a flaw is exposed, this type of individual will deny its existence or punish you for having witnessed it. Therefore, you need to pay closer attention. Look for the cracks in the exterior. Don’t ignore what initially seems like uncharacteristic outbursts, rudeness or coldness. Don’t let yourself be blamed for her deficits. Remember, no one is perfect. Ideally, you should be looking to meet someone whose flaws, personal quirks and issues don’t hurt you.

A good potential mate can acknowledge the things she doesn’t like about herself or would like to change and demonstrate that she is actively working on them. I’m not talking about superficial changes like, “I wish my arms were more buff,” but something that would help her to grow as a person and improve her relationships. For example, “I have trouble letting down my guard and expressing my feelings when I’m upset about something, but I’m working on it. It would help if when you notice I’m quiet, clam up or seem like I’m upset if you would try to draw me out a little bit because I want to be able to talk about these things and resolve issues as they arise. I’m afraid you’ll reject me or get mad at me if I tell you how I’m really feeling.”

2. Flattery will get you everywhere. Many predators drug you with praise and flattery—at first. Beware of statements like “No one’s ever made me feel this way before. I’ve never met anyone like you. I could really fall in love with you. No one has ever understood me like you. I’ve never felt this strong of a connection before.” Be especially skeptical of these statements if they’re made in the first few weeks of dating. This is a con artist’s technique called, mirroring—”using flattering statements to lift a listener’s confidence in himself.”

Reality: It takes time to really get to know someone and build trust. “Instant intimacy” is typically a sign that someone’s stroking your ego into submission and/or that they neither possess nor respect personal boundaries—a hallmark of many a BPD /NPD/HPD individual. It’s natural to want a love interest to notice how special and unique you are, however, this doesn’t happen overnight. Pace your new relationships and remember, the higher the pedestal she places you upon early in the relationship, the further you’ll crash down when she kicks it out from underneath you later. Once these women “catch you,” they almost immediately begin to devalue you, so don’t drink the Kool-Aid.

3. Act now while supplies last! This is a high-pressure sales/con technique that many emotional predators use. They exude supreme confidence and a “you should be so lucky to have me” attitude. They “casually” mention other men who are interested in them and how their exes keep trying to win them back. This is a device used to trigger a sense of scarcity and competition within you. You then go to great lengths in order to “win” her and thereby set the precedent for a very one-sided relationship. This is a huge red flag. Only a narcissist or someone with equally toxic pathology makes a love interest continually jump through hoops like this. It’s another control device, so don’t bite on it.

Reality: There are other fish in the sea. What exactly are you trying to win? What is she doing to please you or win you over—aside from leading you on a merry chase and getting you to perform acts of service and devotion? What acts of service and devotion is she performing for you? Healthy relationships are reciprocal. Don’t just take her word about all of the things she claims she does for you. This kind of woman will make a grand spectacle of all the things, careers, relationships and opportunities she’s “sacrificing” for you. The reality is that an emotional predator doesn’t sacrifice anything for anyone and rarely does anything that’s in someone else’s best interests. It’s all smoke and mirrors.

Additionally, examine why you’re working so hard to gain someone’s affection or prove yourself “worthy.” This is usually a sign that you have some residual relationship issues from childhood to explore and resolve.

4. All the right words; all the wrong moves. Emotional predators are skilled manipulators and often bald face liars. This kind of woman is well-practiced in telling you whatever it is you want to hear and then doing the complete opposite. When they’re not consciously lying, borderlines, narcissists and other predators are prone to confabulation. In other words, they believe their own BS, which makes it all the more difficult for you to sort the facts from their personal fictions.

Reality: We all employ a little self-deception from time to time. What lies do you tell yourself when you get involved with a woman like this? Do you tell yourself that “Things will get better. It’s not so bad. She must really love me to be acting this crazy. If only I work a little harder. . . ?” When dating, it’s important to pay close attention to your dates words and actions and your reactions. Many emotional predators know all the “right” things to say, but their actions often don’t match their “hype.” If you notice a discrepancy between the two, don’t ignore it and don’t lie to yourself about it by making excuses for it.

by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Private Consultation and Coaching

I provide confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services via telephone and/or Skype chat. Please visit the Contact page for professional inquiries.

My Virtual Shrink

MyVirtualShrink is an alternative to traditional psychotherapy and coaching. It offers a wide range of interactive guided sessions for many of the issues Shrink4Men. For more information and a discount, please follow this link: Special Offer: My Virtual Shrink.

Photo credit: Veruca Salt and the educated eggdicator on alicia-logic.com

Citations:

Namie, G. (2003). Workplace bullying: Escalated incivility. Ivey Business Journal, 88, 1 -6.

WSJ: The New Art of Alimony

I Stumbled Upon “The New Art of Alimony” yesterday in The Wall Street Journal and the sub-heading immediately caught my eye. This article contains very important information for many of the readers here, so I’m republishing it. Here is the link to the original article.

Unjust alimony and spousal support practices will continue until enough people, men and women both, come together to have the outdated divorce and family court laws changed. Please take time to read this article and then find out what you can do to support reforming these draconian laws.

The New Art of Alimony by Jennifer Levitz, Boston

Long viewed as payment for life, divorce settlements are facing strict new limits as some ex-spouses—primarily men—protest the endless support of a former partner. For richer, for poorer, forever?

Paul and Theresa Taylor were married for 17 years. He was an engineer for Boston’s public-works department, while she worked in accounting at a publishing company. They had three children, a weekend cottage on the bay and a house in the suburbs, on a leafy street called Cranberry Lane. In 1982, when they got divorced, the split was amicable. She got the family home; he got the second home. Both agreed “to waive any right to past, present or future alimony.”

But recently, more than two decades after the divorce, Ms. Taylor, 64, told a Massachusetts judge she had no job, retirement savings or health insurance. Earlier this year, the judge ordered Mr. Taylor, now 68 and remarried, to pay $400 per week to support his ex-wife.

“This is insane,” Mr. Taylor says, adding that the payments cut his after-tax pension by more than one-third. “Someone can just come back 25 years later and say, ‘My life went down the toilet, and you’re doing good—so now I want some of your money’?“

The nature of marriage has changed dramatically over the decades. Women now make up almost half of the American work force. But alimony, a concept enshrined in ancient law, has remained remarkably constant. Now, the idea that a husband should continue to support his wife forever, even after the demise of their marriage—long a bedrock of divorce law—is being called into question. Pressures are mounting to change a practice that some see as outdated and unfair.

Several U.S. states are battling to place new limits on alimony and rewrite decades-old laws. In Pennsylvania, New Jersey and Oklahoma, lawmakers are pushing for measures like putting time limits on alimony payments, barring alimony if two divorcing spouses are on equal footing professionally, and ending or reducing alimony if the recipient commits a crime or cohabits with another adult in a romantic relationship. Lobbyists and activists are pressing for similar rules in Ohio, Florida, Arizona, Georgia and North Carolina.

In Massachusetts a bill backed by a group called “Reform Massachusetts Alimony Laws Now!” has 72 sponsors and would require a spouse receiving alimony to become self-sufficient, or attempt to, after a reasonable time. That would establish alimony as a temporary payment instead of a permanent entitlement, as is often the case now. A second bill, in the state Senate, would modify the law less radically by adding “duration” to the factors judges can consider when setting alimony payments.

The House bill would end the currently common practice of using the assets of a second spouse to determine the ability of a person to pay alimony. Alimony could only be adjusted upward for cost-of-living increases, and alimony obligations would end upon the retirement of the payer, though judges would still have the flexibility to take into account special circumstances.

State alimony laws, many passed in the 1960s and 1970s, were designed to help nonworking or lesser-earning spouses after divorce. Many states allow for recipients to receive payments for life. Proponents say the money compensates some spouses who have sacrificed careers for families and is particularly vital to low- and middle-income women. Detractors have long called the laws unfair in an age when many women work, with people making payments for years that their former spouses don’t really need.

At the core of alimony debate is whether the payments are viewed as transitional—until the dependent spouse gets back on his or her feet—or a long-term dividend for sacrifices made during a marriage.

Now this simmering debate is boiling over. As divorced baby boomers reach retirement age, recession has decimated nest eggs and erased millions of jobs. The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers reported a “big spike” this year in clients seeking to modify their alimony arrangements. In a March survey, 42% of the group’s divorce attorneys reported an “unusual” increase in such cases, with 6% reporting a drop.

In Los Angeles, Family Court Judge Marjorie Steinberg also reports a “dramatic” surge in these requests. She says petitioners include one-time high earners who’ve lost their jobs, a group she says she’d “rarely seen before.”

The bill in Massachusetts’ House of Representatives has gained the support of a group called the 2nd Wives Club. Club co-founder Jeanie Hitner, who is 59 and lives in Marlbourough, Mass., testified to state legislators last month that she is working a second job—tutoring math four nights a week—to help her husband make alimony payments to his first wife.

Ms. Hitner says she wishes she had just stayed his girlfriend. “If I had known about this before we got married, I never would have married him,” says Ms. Hitner. Her husband, Steve Hitner, is the head of Reform Massachusetts Alimony Laws Now!, a grass-roots group that consists mostly of alimony-paying men, and supports the same bill. “I don’t blame her; I never would have put her through this if I had known what she was going to be in for,” Mr. Hitner says.

Opponents of the bill say it may not adequately protect those who rely on alimony payments. Massachusetts State Sen. Cynthia Stone Creem, a Democrat and a divorce lawyer who co-chairs the joint judiciary committee, has called for a commission to study all the alimony legislation, a move that could delay a vote until next summer. Sen. Stone Creem filed her own bill, which would modify the state’s law slightly, giving judges greater leeway in setting the duration of alimony payments.

In their 1982 divorce agreement, Paul and Theresa Taylor agreed ‘to waive any right to past, present or future alimony.’ A Massachusetts judge recently ordered Mr. Taylor, to make payments to his ex-wife.

Many states put formal alimony laws into place in the 1960s and 1970s, amid rising divorce rates and concerns that women earned less than men. States such as California and Massachusetts passed laws that included provisions for indefinite alimony. More-conservative Texas, by comparison, generally limited payments to three years.

Many divorce agreements provide for alimony or spouse-support payments, which is separate from child-support payments. Americans gave $9.4 billion to former spouses in 2007, up from $5.6 billion a decade earlier, according to the Internal Revenue Service. Men accounted for 97% of alimony-payers last year, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, although the share of women supporting ex-husbands is on the rise.

Critics argue that in the decades since alimony guidelines were set, the U.S. has changed much: Women made up 46.7% of the work force last year, up from 41.2% in 1978, according to the Department of Labor. Others counter that America hasn’t changed enough: Women in the 45-to-54-year-old age group earn 75% as much as men the same age.

But the momentum appears to be with those who seek to guard alimony payers’ shrinking resources. Legislation may be gaining traction in part because powerful citizens and lawmakers, themselves divorced, are getting a close-up view of what they see as a flawed alimony system, says retired Judge Robert D. Frank, who handled divorce cases in Tulsa, Okla.

In April, for example, Palm Beach County Circuit Court Judge David French prevailed following a 16-year battle to stop or reduce his alimony payments. A state appeals court ruled that Mr. French should not be forced to pay $3,400 a month to his ex-wife, who has lived for nearly 20 years with another man. The judge ordered the ex-wife to pay Mr. French $151,000, the amount she had received from him since he filed a previous case in 2005. Ms. French’s lawyer did not return a call seeking comment. Amy Shield, Mr. French’s lawyer, said he was pleased with the decision.

A Florida group has hired a lobbyist to push a bill limiting alimony payments to three years. Ohio’s bar association, meanwhile, is lining up legislative sponsors for a bill that could shorten alimony terms—ending support after seven years, for example, following a marriage that lasted 15. Pennsylvania’s Senate is considering a bill that could cut alimony to recipients who live in a romantic relationship with another adult.

Last month, Massachusetts representatives heard testimony from Brenda Caggiano, a 70-year-old retired first-grade teacher who supports her ex-husband, Robert, a certified public accountant. When the Caggianos divorced in 2003, they split their assets. He got their home on Cape Cod. She got their home in a Boston suburb, and paid him the $57,000 difference in the value of the homes.

Ms. Caggiano earned more at the time, so the court ordered her to pay $125 in weekly alimony until her death or her former husband’s remarriage. Since Massachusetts is a “no-fault” divorce state, it made no difference that it was, as both parties acknowledge, Mr. Caggiano who left home.

Ms. Caggiano says she’s living pension-check-to-pension-check and has had to tap a home-equity line of credit to fix her roof. “It’s a disgrace that this man is taking my money when he’s perfectly capable of supporting himself,” she says.

Mr. Caggiano, who is 68, said in an interview he has no mortgage and that his girlfriend, who works full-time, has moved in. He says the couple recently traveled to Italy, and that he spent $60,000 to install hardwood floors, granite countertops and big windows “to get a beautiful view of the water.” He keeps his accounting practice to a few clients: “I’m not going out there trying to develop new business.”

Asked why he should receive alimony, Mr. Caggiano said he sees it as reimbursement for a time early in their marriage when he paid most expenses, including the down payments on the two homes that were divided at the divorce. Ms. Caggiano says she wants a court to modify her payments but can’t afford an attorney.

Another Massachusetts pair, Rudolph and Carneice Pierce, have taken their battle to the state’s Supreme Judicial Court. As soon as next month, the court is expected to issue its decision, which could have broad implications for retirement-aged baby boomers.

The Pierces were divorced in 1999 after 32 years of marriage. He was a partner at a Boston law firm and a former state judge. She had worked at International Business Machines Corp. for 27 years. They equally divided $1.4 million in assets, and the court ordered him to pay her annual alimony of $110,000 until her remarriage or the death of either.

In March 2008, Mr. Pierce retired from his law firm and cited this change of circumstance in a request to terminate the alimony. He said his income had already fallen to about $225,000 in 2007, about half its level at the time of the divorce. A probate court reduced the annual alimony obligation to $42,000 but refused to terminate it, arguing that Mr. Pierce had ample earning power and could find another job, such as teaching.

Mr. Pierce, now 67, argues that the court was telling him, in effect, that he couldn’t retire. He appealed to the state’s supreme court.

Ms. Pierce, meanwhile, left her $95,000-a-year fund-raiser job last summer, her lawyer said, after her territory was expanded to require more travel without additional pay. In briefs filed with the supreme court, Ms. Pierce said she had been pinched by the downturn and that her retirement funds were down almost 50%. Her lawyer, David Cherny, said that while Mr. Pierce’s income had also fallen, there was still a financial disparity between the couple because she devoted more time to her family than her career during the marriage.

“She had given up a lot to this relationship,” Mr. Cherny says, adding that it would be wrong to change a divorce agreement they’d already made.

Divorce agreements can get rewritten even decades later, as retired Boston engineer Mr. Taylor has learned.

In 2003, more than two decades after agreeing to end a 17-year marriage without alimony, Ms. Taylor was diagnosed with melanoma. She lost her publishing job when her employer of 38 years filed for bankruptcy protection. She’d recently surrendered her home to the bank and filed for personal bankruptcy to resolve $27,000 in medical and credit-card debts.

Mr. Taylor, meanwhile, had retired after 33 years working for the city of Boston, with an annual pension of $56,000.

In a September 2007 complaint filed in a state probate court, Ms. Taylor cited “changes in circumstances” and sued her former husband for support payments. She wrote that Mr. Taylor owned homes in Florida and Cape Cod and traveled to Europe.

In court, Mr. Taylor said he was sensitive to his former wife’s plight, but that too much time had passed and that their divorce was final 25 years ago. His second wife, he said, had inherited the Cape Cod house from her father. Their trips were financed through home-swaps and reduced-fare tickets from his stepson, an airline employee.

In June 2008, a probate judge ordered Mr. Taylor to pay temporary alimony based on Ms. Taylor’s “dire immediate need” and his “ability to pay.” In its January final order, the court, citing Mr. Taylor’s income from his pension, told Mr. Taylor to pay his ex-wife $400 per week for five years. The payment will eventually fall to about $250 a week for the rest of her life.

Virginia Connelly, Ms. Taylor’s lawyer, says she can see how Mr. Taylor could find the situation unfair. But under Massachusetts law, she said, judges who want to keep a person off public services can turn to the ex-spouse.

In May, to seek relief from legal and other bills, Mr. Taylor declared personal bankruptcy. He is still responsible for supporting his ex-wife. “If she loses all her money, so what? She can just take me back to court,” he says. “Somewhere along the line I should have peace of mind.”

Write to Jennifer Levitz at jennifer.levitz@wsj.com

Adjusting Alimony

Ex-spouses are rethinking alimony agreements amid dwindling job prospects and savings in the economic crunch, even as some states re-evaluate alimony laws. Here are some pending proposals:

Massachusetts House Bill 1785: Alimony typically one-half the length of the marriage and no longer than 12 years, except when the supported party has minor children.

Pennsylvania Senate Bill 953: Alimony can be terminated if the recipient cohabitates with another adult in a romantic relationship.

Oklahoma House Bill 1053: Makes it harder for one spouse to tap another’s military retirement pay in a divorce settlement. Currently, military retirement pay is divided like marital property. Under the bill, the portion of military retirement pay an ex-spouse would be entitled to would end if that spouse remarries, making it similar to alimony.

Ohio State Bar Association proposal: Alimony would be temporary for a marriage of 25 years or less, with a suggestion of alimony lasting no longer than seven years for a marriage of 15 years.

Source: WSJ research

Other sites of interest:

Alimony Reform: Families for Alimony Reform

States Challenge Traditional Alimony

National Organization of Women Supports Alimony Reform

posted by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Private Consultation and Coaching

I provide confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services via telephone and/or Skype chat. Please contact me at shrink4men@gmail.com for professional inquiries.

My Virtual Shrink

MyVirtualShrink is an alternative to traditional psychotherapy and coaching. It offers a wide range of interactive guided sessions for many of the issues Shrink4Men. For more information and a discount, please follow this link: Special Offer: My Virtual Shrink and/or email me directly at shrink4men@gmail.com.

Just for Fun: Female Defense Mechanism Radio Control

I found this the other day while I was looking for images on Flickr. Thought you might enjoy it or, at the very least, find it familiar.

Photo credit:

Defense mechanism by Ray Fenwick on flickr.

post by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Private Consultation and Coaching

I provide confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services via telephone and/or Skype chat. Please contact me at shrink4men@gmail.com for professional inquiries.

My Virtual Shrink

MyVirtualShrink is an alternative to traditional psychotherapy and coaching. It offers a wide range of interactive guided sessions for many of the issues Shrink4Men. For more information and a discount, please follow this link: Special Offer: My Virtual Shrink and/or email me directly at shrink4men@gmail.com.