25 Signs your Narcissistic or Borderline Wife or Girlfriend is Traumatizing You
Do you experience insomnia, nightmares, fatigue, nausea, aches and pains, and an underlying sense of dread? Do you feel like you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop? Is it difficult for you to trust others because you’re worried they’ll hurt you? Do you frequently feel ashamed, guilty, and worthless? Are you involved with an emotionally abusive, narcissistic or borderline woman?
Ain’t love grand! Being involved with an emotionally abusive, narcissistic or borderline woman can do quite a number on you. If you’ve been bullied, manipulated, abused, confused, and demeaned by the woman you love, you may have developed a stress reaction from her repeated violations of trust called betrayal trauma (Freyd, 2008). Betrayal trauma can significantly and adversely affect your physical and psychological well being (Freyd, Klest, & Allard, 2005).
Many men who are abused by their wives or girlfriends don’t recognize their behaviors as abusive. These men minimize and misidentify what’s happening by telling themselves that she’s just “emotional” or, worse yet, blame themselves for her cruel and hurtful behaviors. These men blind themselves to the reality of the situation in order to preserve the relationship.
Alternatively, some men realize her behavior is wrong and abusive, but remain silent. There are two primary reasons for keeping mum:
- Confronting an abusive woman about her behavior only makes her nastier and you’re then subjected to a narcissistic rage episode and/or histrionic drama queen performance.
- She’ll just blame you for everything or deny what she did anyway, so why bother saying anything?
Whether you’re suffering in self-induced oblivion or are painfully aware, but keeping quiet, there are consequences to staying in an abusive relationship. Trauma affects you physically and psychologically. It also has a detrimental effect on all of your other relationships or lack thereof.
Common physical and emotional reactions to trauma:
- Headaches, backaches, muscle fatigue, and stomach aches.
- Nausea, irritable bowels, diarrhea, or constipation.
- Increased susceptibility to colds and other illnesses because chronic stress is weakening your immune system.
- Insomnia and other sleep disturbances such as ruminative thought or bad dreams.
- A pervasive sense of anxiety, dread, fear, worry, and/or panic attacks.
- Depression, the blues, grief, or feeling hopeless about the future.
- Feelings of helplessness, weakness, and being trapped.
- Feeling disoriented, confused, and/or overwhelmed.
- Isolating yourself from others, not communicating with friends and family.
- Feeling emotionally detached, shut down or numb.
- Feeling overwhelmed or flooded by feelings that are disproportionate to the situation.
- Difficulty concentrating, focusing or remembering things.
- Feelings of guilt, shame, worthlessness and/or blaming yourself for things that aren’t your fault.
- Difficulty trusting others, feeling paranoid (like others are out to get you), feelings of betrayal.
- Drinking too much, taking drugs, overeating or engaging in other compulsive behaviors to numb and/or soothe yourself.
- Outbursts of anger, rage, irritability or frustration that are disproportionate to the situation.
- Mood swings or moodiness.
- Overly sensitive to criticism.
- Denying, rationalizing or minimizing the traumatic behaviors.
- Feeling on edge, jumpy or hypervigilant to possible attacks, always being on the defense.
- Keeping secrets, censoring or stuffing your feelings, lying to others about what happens in your relationship.
- Developing false beliefs such as, “All women are crazy” or “Never trust anyone” or “Never let your guard down” or “Never tell anyone how you’re really feeling or what you really think because they’ll use it against you.” These are negative and self-limiting beliefs that keep you from living life fully.
- Difficulty making decisions, fear of making the “wrong choice.”
- Not taking care of yourself—eating poorly, not exercising, not getting enough rest, engaging in dangerous activities that could be passive suicide attempts like crossing the street without looking or biking in dangerous areas.
- Feelings of indifference, fatalism, cynicism, or pessismism.
These are NORMAL reactions to ABNORMAL and abusive behaviors. However, your girlfriend or wife has probably used the stress reactions you’re experiencing, because of her, as another device to hurt you. “Why are you so sensitive? Stop being so defensive! You’re a hypochondriac. Stop being such a baby. You’re so angry. You’re being labile.” Sound familiar? She uses the trauma symptoms you’re experiencing, which she induced, to further traumatize you. Nice.
If you’re suffering from the symptoms of betrayal trauma please take the necessary steps to get out of your emotionally abusive relationship and recover from it. Healing from trauma takes time and can bring up a lot of painful emotions that you had to suppress while in your emotionally abusive relationship. This is also a normal part of the process. Try to feel the feelings as they come up without guilt or self-recrimination.
Other tips to recover from trauma sustained in an abusive relationship include:
Seek support. Share your feelings with someone you trust. If you’re uncomfortable talking with friends or family at first because you’re ashamed or feel foolish, find a therapist or join a support group.
Don’t isolate. One of the effects of being in abusive relationship is distancing yourself from others who care about you. Part of recovery involves reestablishing these connections.
Take care of yourself. Eat well, exercise, rest, and find ways to relax.
Develop a daily routine. This will keep you grounded and help to create a sense of predictability and normalcy after the unpredictability and instability of your life with your emotionally abusive wife or girlfriend.
Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries or send an email to shrink4men@gmail.com.
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Related content:
Traumatic Love: Is Your Narcissistic or Borderline Wife or Girlfriend Making You Sick?
Photo credit:
Danger crazy woman by FaG on flickr.
References:
Freyd, J.J. (2008) What is a betrayal trauma? What is Betrayal trauma theory? http://dynamic.uoregon.edu/~jjf/trauma.html
Freyd, J.J., Klest, B., & Allard, C.B. (2005) Betrayal trauma: Relationship to physical health, psychological distress, and a written disclosure intervention. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 6(3), 83-104.
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Shrink4Men 
Welcome back to reality Alistair, you’ve come to the right place :-) Recovery starts here and now
Thank-you thank-you, thank-you for this site. I have read so much. Only over the weekend did I suddenly click that she had some sort of personality disorder. Then I found this, and everything makes sense. I am on anti-depressants and anti-panic pills, sleep fitfully, and have been to the Police who have assured me that they recognize that I am abused. Apparently she has called them and alleged that I abused her, but they are a bit more wise than that! Well done the Police!!! Finally, reading your site, it all makes sense. She held a knife to my throat and I felt guilty! We went to our priest this morning and she said that she wanted a divorce, she no longer loved me, that she had abused me. Her example was once forgetting to clean the shower! He was gobsmacked. I said I wanted to try to make the marriage work, but she would have none of it. Suddenly I realize that the sooner I can get this woman out of my life the better I will be. the good times have been few, and the best in my life. After this I will be bankrupt, unemployed and homeless. She has leeched my entire life savings, and caused me to lose my job as a result of the manic symptoms I was showing. How, at 50, could I have been so stupid!!! She accuses me of treating her like a slave, when I work hard and buy her everything while she sits all day and watches TV. Sorry to rant, but it’s such a relief to know that I am not the crazy one, not the bad person, not the abuser…
If only she would recognize that she is at fault, get treatment, get better… But I suppose that’s impossible.
I too am 50 years old and have been with the same woman for 15 years and soon we will be busting up for good because we moved a total of 4 times, lost tons of money on the moves (The second move because her oldest son wanted to move to a more popular town and the house we moved into had a lot of problems (Mould and sewage) and that is where the downfall really happened and of course up to this day, it has always been my fault for the predicament we’re in).
She has never been good at saving money, she lives entirely on Overdraft, yet she bought her oldest son a car and her younger one is starting to bug her for one.
Once this House is sold, we both will be walking out with nothing but debts because of all of her nonsense, but thank God for this Site as it has made realize the type of person she is.
I’m having the same experience. We are both going to be 90,000 in the hole after the state splits up our marital assets. She still thinks she is rich and prosperous. I’m devastated and broke. I’m in counseling and broken in almost all ways. She wants to spend, spend , spend woooopie!
Some of the things I experienced before leaving:
1) Headaches – wouldn’t go away, even after taking medication or napping. This also happened whenever I went to my mother’s house.
2) Loss of energy – I could be very energetic all day, but the moment he walked through the door, it plummeted, as though literally draining from my body…I felt like sleeping. This reminded me of how infants will fall asleep to ‘escape’ when they feel overstimulated by their environment. It was weird.
3) Didn’t want to go to sleep, didn’t want to wake up in the morning. Stayed up later than necessary, tried to sleep in as long as possible to avoid seeing him.
4) GI problems – from one extreme to the next. Acid reflux. Sought out food and alcohol to fill the ’emptiness’ inside, not realizing at the time that the only way to fill The Void is from the inside.
5) Scary visions of
a) seeing myself being violent with him (knives, baseball bats, my bare hands) and
b) him breaking down the door or feigning fear that I was a stranger breaking in at night and shooting me. This started after he put a 12-guage under my side of the bed and laughed at me for asking about it.
For two days straight after the gun incident, I wandered around the house, like I was lost and confused…unable to complete the most simple tasks…I was overwhelmed with fear, BUT DIDN’T REALIZE IT AT THE TIME. When my friend told me that I was afraid of him, I disputed it. Sometimes, we are so used to living in fear / repressing our feelings, we don’t even recognize the emotion when it appears.
6) My very first anxiety attack – it was a sense of impending doom…like “Something really bad is going to happen!” and not being able to do anything about it. The weird thing was, there were no thoughts associated with the feeling…just an overwhelming feeling of dread. I finally had to leave and go talk to a friend. I had no idea what was happening. I haven’t had one since.
7) In bed at night, a couple times, I had what I can only describe as “seizures.” I’m not epileptic, and haven’t experienced them since. I would be sleeping, then suddenly feel as though I was paralyzed, my body shaking uncontrollably (like being shocked or like a spring, tightly held together, unwinding). I couldn’t be sure I was even awake; I couldn’t fully open my eyes (they may have been fluttering?). I tried to speak, to say “help!” but could only groan. It was the most bizarre physical experience I’ve ever had. I guess that must have been my body finally ‘releasing’ the stress that I’d been holding on to. This was after I’d moved out of the bedroom,sleeping in my daughter’s room with the door locked at night. It was too weird to try to explain to anyone. I haven’t experienced that in at least 5 years now.
8) Numerous colds, flus, etc. I experienceced my first bouts of strep throat while with him. He of course treated me like an object in response. (Unsympathetic, no empathy for others, sees others’ health problems as an inconvenience – NO compassion whatsoever).
9) My ring finger on my left hand developed a bumpy and very itchy rash. I figured that my ring needed cleaning. I bought some jewelry cleanser for it; I took it to a jeweler to have it professionally cleaned. I stopped wearing it at night, and made sure to wash it often. Still, after about 24 hours of wearing my ring, the rash would inevitably re-surface. This may or may not have been a psycho-somatic response…but was after 6 years of wearing that ring and having no such effects. And having no such effects wearing cheap $15.00 Wal-Mart and Avon rings since then. I have no explanation for it.
10) People would often ask me, “Are you okay?” or “Why are you so upset?” when I wasn’t upset or thinking anything negative. I realized that my eyes looked sad (and I didn’t realize it) and that I was holding tension in my face that I hadn’t noticed until after I’d left him…when it was lifted. Kind of like going to the chiropractor – the pain and stiffness builds ever so slowly, until you hardly notice it anymore…then after one bout with a good chiropractor, suddenly, you realize that you don’t hurt anymore, and that you can move your neck or arm or bend – you had adjusted for that so much that you were unable to even realize that you had been unable to move like you should!
11) Before anything else – this was the beginning of my recovery / freedom. I went to church without him during hunting / harvest season. After that, he came to church with me again. I noticed that when I wasn’t with him, I was open and friendly, and stood around talking to other people. But, when he was there, I looked down at the ground, and made a beeline for the door with him. We talked to as few people as we could get by with. We didn’t stick around (unless there was free food). He was not what you’d call a ‘giver.’
I know Dr. T says to listen to your own mind, but with all due respect to the good doctor, sometimes living in constant mindf*ck makes it so that even your mind can ‘lie’ to you. But one thing that never will is our bodies. It will tell us things that we are not even able to think to ourselves.
12) Another sign is feeling a complete absence of sexual / affectionate / physical attraction to him or her. By the time I left, the thought of him touching me, even by accident, disgusted me and filled me with rage. I’m not a naturally violent person (I suppose no one is), and it scared me to realize what I was becoming capable of by being with an abuser. It filled me with rage (that voice that rises up from the depth of one’s soul, low and quiet, saying between clenched teeth, “Never Again.”) when he would be cruel and hateful to me one night, then the next day, smile at me and singsong “Good morning!”
I was attending AA (their principles can actually be applied to many of life’s situations) for a while, and read a book about a woman who drank herself silly then took strangers home to bed. She described that when she did this, it felt to her like little pieces of her soul were being torn off, tossed into a pile in the corner of the floor. AHA! moment – that was exactly what it felt like to me to have sex with my AXH; and I started to ask myself, “Why does it feel the same to have sex with the man who loves me and whom I’m destined to be with for the rest of my life, as it would to have sex with a stranger every night?”
It was only when I realized “He doesn’t love me” that the things he did started making sense. If he had, he wouldn’t have done those things. He knew how to say the words, but after all those years, I felt like asking back, “Then why does it feel like you hate me?”
It’s a bad situation…and sucks to now be on the other side, having healed for the most part, and now watching two of my closest friends (one male, one female) go through it…knowing I’ve done everything I can, and that all I can do now is to be here when they need me, be a friend and support them, and pray.
I’ve been there. That’s why I’m here. (stolen from Kenny Chesney)
I’ve enjoyed the posts but would like a little more detail on strategies to deal with the psycho-wife I live with. It truly has been a nightmare and I’m trying to last long enough to get my kids out of the house and away from this. Any ideas would be helpful. Reasoning, counseling and “talking” with my narcissist just produced more narcissism so if we can just skip the howdy-doody smiles and encouragement and jump into techniques for documenting and exposing the abuse I’d be grateful. TY!
Nick,
It’s kind of weird of you to ask for help from people and treat them dismissively (“skip the howdy dooody smiles”) at the same time, but whatever.
Did you check out the index of articles page? There are plenty that deal with tactics. Here a few…I don’t have time to post the links but look for the titles on the Index page:
How to deal with a borderline personality woman
5 Ways to Deal with an Angry Woman
Coping Strategies for Dealing with a Narcissistic or Borderline Woman
Emotional Detachment: When the No Contact Rule Is Not an Option
Another 5 Coping Strategies for Dealing with a Narcissistic or Borderline Woman
etc.
JP
Run for your life she will never change!!!!!
Thank you so much for this series of highly resonating posts and the original article that goes along with it. I’ve forwarded it along to my psychologist and asked her to help me work thru this. Being married to a pathological narcissist for 5 years had such a negative affect on my life and I am still dealing with it.
Thanks JP for the support..I have no plans on leaving. It’s important to demonstrate to my sons that their father stood his ground, has staying power and to teach them to “finish things.”
Still being worked out…it’s a live in divorce…living together when married is hard enough but when living together when divorcing is barbaric—one of the tragedies of the whole system. New York State courts, unlike many others, do not routinely award temporary exclusive occupancy of a residence to one party. In New York, there is no way you can get a spouse out, without showing that there’s danger of physical violence. It’s awful..
Sounds nasty. But resist the urge to leave. As you probably know, you don’t want to be seen as the one who left the kids, or allow a precedent to be set that has you ‘visiting’ your kids. If NY is like Mass., the courts don’t like to change the kids’ routines, and if you’re out of the house and getting less time with them than your stbx, you’ll probably end up with that as your custody arrangemen by default.
Rooting for you,
JP
Hmmmm….I’m in the middle of a divorce, gender reversal. I was laid off from a well paying marketing job in 2003, my wife is a teacher…makes a good salary. When I was laid off in 2003 was my youngest son was diagnosed with autism at 2 yrs. old, he’s high functioning, mainstreamed in school with an aide and is 9 presently yrs. old. I also have another son who is presently 11 years old. Since I was laid off from a highly competitive industry I chose to switch careers and become a teacher. While my wife worked, I went to school days, nights, studied weekends was the primary caregiver for both my children, including but not limited to therapies for our autistic son, maintained the household, cleaning, inside and out,laundry, car maintenance. That was my job. Knowing my wife wished she were home with our sons I tried to make it as easy as possible for her. Helped her get out the door in the morning, helped her with reports. I wanted to provide my sons, especially our autistic son with an emotional foundation that he would carry with him for the rest of his life. This is my gift to him which you cannot put a price on. I will go to my grave knowing I did the best I did for my sons. What did a get from my wife..divorce papers..resentment, bitterness and anger because she felt I wasn’t carrying my share…
I might add…in doing so I received my teaching certification, presently working at a Hilton Hotel full time for the past two years to help with the bills. My wife can’t get let go of her anger & resentment & it’s destroyed a family…very sad…
sm,
Sorry to hear about your situation. What’s your custody/parenting time situation…has that been resolved or is it still being worked out?
JP
These stories are similar things which happend with my wife and I……horrible , simply horrid.
I found myself experiencing an upset stomach ( acid reflux ) and said that was it it was time to stop letting myself be the target, one night me and my girl were laying in bed and I was telling her the importance of spirtual connection vs physical connections and out of the blue came well how many people did you have the physical with and I asked where did that come from, and that was all it took next thing I knew get out, which I did mind you at 2 in the morning, but none the less I needed a cigarrete and knew that by the time I got around the corner she’d call where you at I’D BE RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET watching her search for me and let her get a litle frantic and then tell her where I was and she’d call me back and that would be it. I just learned to let her have her little tokens of insecurity and as time has went by she see’s that I just ain’t easy to manipulate cause I see the game coming before it starts and counteract before she can weave that little guilt web around me, by simply holding her responsible for what she has said or done. I was once in one of those 70’s type peer pressure where we constantly worked on group problems and conflict resolution was the foundation of the program so standing around in circles with guys discussing problem for hours on end just comes naturally for me and I wear most people down before they can wear me down . Though I like this girl I know that it’s time to stop feeling sorry for her and move on, just let it go their will be better God be willing.
I am finding myself in a situation where when i confront my wife regarding her cold behavior and lack of love towards me , she will fly into a fit of rage, never actually let me finish trying to explain to her how im feeling and rather accuse me of minor things in the past, rather than face the situation at hand, where i am sincerly trying to explain to her that everything is getting to me and i try and turn to her for companionship , she will tell me im feeling sorry for myself and rather shift any blame towards me and pretend its not her fault . A while back she attacked me physically by hitting me and verbally abusing me to such a degree that i hit her back . Now she constantly tells me i am a ‘ wife beater’ when in fact all i was doing was defending myself to stop her from attacking me further . She has two kids from a previous marriage who i am raising as my own , and i always put her and them before myself but yet she will tell me that i dont like her kids and that i am always looking for excuses to blame her for anything , when in fact all im trying to do discuss small matters that could be easily resolved but end up in her swearing and shouting at me , or her throwing things as me and breaking our possessions etc. I knew when i married her that she was bipolar and my mom was bipolar as well but sadly ended her own life earlier this year. So the fact is i know all about bipolar hence me marrying her and knowing how to deal with it . But her behaviour towards me is getting worse and more violent by the day . Should i end this marriage or is there a solution to this problem im faced with?
If you’re not familiar with the behaviors of a BPD woman then it feels as though you were run over but you’re not sure what happened or what hit you. Most of us know something is wrong with the feelings we have while we are with the person that’s abusing us except we can not pin point the exact cause of it because it’s an accumulative effect. The lack of concrete evidence is why they are able to convince us to stay and endure more punishnment. Word of warning: The more intelligent the person is, the more complex the web they use to keep us enduring the behavior. We are perplexed by the two different lives that are going on in front of us. Actions do not match words and visa versa. You can probably count yourself into the category of “nice guy” because you have to pratically be a saint to stay after the behavior begins to show up on a regular basis. I remember the first real breakup and my telling her that she had two lives going on at once. At the time it was just what my intuition was telling me but now is seems profound.
that is one of the deepest comments pertaining to dealing with these kinds of women. how true it was for me. people were thinking, hey get out of there, and i was going , well… wait just a second. i wish i could do this over again, i would have been gone in less than half the time!
Mine was so insidious. This woman by all outward appearances is the nicest, sweetest, fun loving, gorgeous smile, Christian woman who ever walked the Earth. But behind closed doors she is pure venom. I don’t mean overt either. She never once yelled, screamed, hit, cursed or otherwise did anything overt to me. I actually was the one who ended up yelling and screaming at her and on two occassions put my hands on her (took 4 years for the first incident).
This woman was a master of the double bind and in ways I never saw it until she finally booted me out of her life. Small example: I’d ask her how she slept in the morning, “I didn’t sleep well, you tossed and turned all night” So I’d sleep on the couch after hearing this many days in a row then ask, “How’d you sleep?” Not well – because you weren’t in the bed with me.
Seems so simple, so neutral, so unaggressive. Well after a few years I had huge anxiety about going to sleep. Caused me a boatload of issues and within 4 weeks of being away from her I could actually get some peaceful sleep. Sleep without nightmares or constant ruminating thoughts.
how can i get someone out of this relationship when i see its destroying them and I really care about them too. Its gonna kill him. ; (
Hi BLaze,
Unfortunately, you can’t help your friend unless he recognizes there’s a problem and wants help. All you can do is have a heart-to-heart with him, express your concern, provide him with some information (books, links to websites, and other resources) and let him know you’re there for him if he wants your help, support or just to reality test.
If he has other friends who are also worried about him, perhaps you could join together (sort of like an intervention) to let him know scared you are for his well-being. Ultimately, he has to be the one to pull the plug and get out of his abusive relationship. However, I know what cold comfort this is when you’re watching someone you care about be hurt and tortured by one of these women.
Kind Regards,
Dr T
Blaze,
When you talk to your friend, don’t attack the woman who’s abusing him…that’s likely to make him defend her and get you off-topic.
And don’t attack him, either ( for example, “you’re no fun anymore, all you do is b*tch about this girl!”). This will make him more ashamed then he may already be.
Try to get him to see the cost he’s paying to stay in the relationship. Help him see what’s happened to HIM. What’s he MISSING? Has he become unhappy, withdrawn, sullen, depressed? Has he stopped pursuing his interests and hobbies? Has his work suffered? How about his relationships with friends or family? When’s the last time he had a good time, or felt good about himself or excited about the future?
JP
Great suggestions, JP. Thanks for posting them!
I’ve been supporting my friend for 3 years now and those women are good he got out for a year and when back in. He is working with a therapist once again hopefully he will do the right thing again and leave.. would be less harder if she wouldn’t manipulate their kids
The first 2 sentences sounds like the script from the movie Ghostbusters!
Ahh, if only you could zap women like this with a NPD/BPD Busting pack and keep them detained in a hermetically sealed chamber so they can’t spew their bile and slimy green goo on unsuspecting people…