10 Reasons You Can’t Communicate with a Narcissistic or Borderline Woman
Emotionally abusive narcissistic and/or borderline women are masters of spin control and pile driving their “reality” home through brute verbal force and emotional reasoning. If you’re involved with a NPD and/or BPD woman, you know these invective communication strategies firsthand.
This kind of woman clings to her belief system no matter how many times she’s confronted with incontrovertible evidence to the contrary. In fact, the more wrong she is, the greater the fake outrage and histrionics she displays.
The next time you challenge your BPD/NPD partner’s points of view, lies, distortions, unilateral pronouncements or unfounded accusations, notice how she responds. Your discussion probably turns into a one-sided argument replete with vitriolic theatrics and threats very quickly.
Here are some common communication control tactics of emotionally abusive narcissistic and/or borderline woman:
1. The Big Bamboozle. Here’s how it works: Emotionally abusive woman begin a conversation/attack with one topic. When you present facts that contradict her beliefs, she bamboozles you by going on off-topic tangents, changing the subject or making a brand new accusation. While you’re still defending your original point and why it’s valid, she blows you off (because you’re making sense) and distracts you by jumping to another topic that’s completely out of left field.
2. SHUT UP! When you try to explain your feelings or point of view, this kind of woman may explicitly tell you to, “Shut up!” Narcissists, borderlines and bullies not only “can’t handle the truth,” they go to great lengths to deny and obliterate it.
Your wife or girlfriend probably uses other tactics when you challenge her like walking out of the room, giving you the silent treatment or simply refusing to listen to you. In both cases, this is the adult control freak’s version of, “La, la, la, la, la, I can’t hear you! I can’t hear you!” They believe if they ignore or stop you from speaking the truth that it doesn’t exist like a small child who closes their eyes to “make you go away.”
3. Name-Calling. This is the last resort of bullies, such as NPD/BPD women. Because they can’t intelligently defend their position or their behaviors, they resort to emotionally-based personal attacks. It’s another distraction technique that sidetracks you from the original point of contention by disorienting you and putting you on the defensive.
Calling your boyfriend or husband names doesn’t prove your point; it’s merely an ad hominem attack. Here’s the logic: “Okay! Fine! Maybe the world is round, but you’re a bleeping, bleepity, bleep bleep! So there! That’s why I don’t have to listen to you. The world is flat!” You have two choices when presented with this kind of “logic;” sink to their level or walk away with dignity and sanity.
4. Projection. NPD/BPD women accuse their targets of things that they themselves are actually guilty of. This is a primitive defense mechanism. It’s the grown up version of the maddening childhood taunt, “I know you are, but what am I?” “But you’re the one who just…” “I know you are, but what am I?“
5. Splitting. This is another very primitive defense mechanism. NPD/BPD women see people and the world in all-or-nothing, good vs. evil, black-and-white terms. They have no capacity for context or nuance. Either you see things her way or you must be crushed into the ground. You can’t respectfully agree to disagree with this kind of woman. Any criticism, difference of opinion or challenge to her “authority” is seen as a threat and will be treated as such in that you will be devalued and demonized.
6. Smear Campaigns. First, they split, then they smear. It’s not enough for NPD/BPD women to disagree with and despise you. Everyone else is the world, including your own family and friends, must hate you and see how wrong you are, too. These women go after you by attacking your ethics, integrity, sexuality and manufacture the most ridiculous nonsense in order to destroy your reputation. Unfortunately, the bigger the lie, the more gullible people tend to believe it.
7. Gaslighting. Women with these issues both deny things they’ve said and done and accuse you of the very same transgressions they committed. They also twist a grain of truth into a huge distortion until you begin to doubt your own sanity and look like the crazy person when you try to defend yourself.
8. Increasing the Volume; Not the Logic. The more wrong an emotionally abusive NPD/BPD woman is, the louder and/or more resolute she gets. Her level of fake outrage, vindictiveness or emotional withdrawal is in direct proportion to how accurate you are. She will either talk over and shout at you, repeating the same simplistic, emotionally-charged statements over and over until she drowns out all reason or give you the silent treatment until you submit and apologize for your “offense.”
9. Blame and Shame. NPD/BPD women blame others for everything that is wrong and never consider how they contribute to and often cause the issues and their own unhappiness. They shift responsibility to make you seem bad and crazy in an effort to shame you into submission.
10. Playing the Victim. When NPD/BPD women are called out for their bad behaviors and dishonesty, they then play the victim. They claim they’re being unfairly attacked for “standing up for the truth” and having the “courage” to speak out. This kind of woman frequently defends her indefensible behaviors by saying she was swept away by her emotions or passion and offers such chestnuts as, “I did what my heart told me to do.” Nonsense. These women are known to have temper tantrums when their bad behaviors are exposed and lash out with a verbal attack or pout in cold silence.
At heart, an emotionally abusive woman is a bully who will try to steamroll anyone who disagrees with her. It’s not just about controlling her reality, but controlling everyone else’s reality, too. When you allow a narcissistic and/or borderline woman to determine reality, you’re letting one of the inmates control the asylum. So the next time you’re on the verge of being sucked in by one of the above tactics, calmly look your wife or girlfriend in the eye, quietly say “No” and walk away.
by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Private Consultation and Coaching
I provide confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. My practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit Services and Products for professional inquiries.
If you find the information I provide free of charge helpful and valuable here on Shrink4Men, please consider making a donation via PayPal to help me maintain the site.
Foaming at the mouth from Getty Images.
Mouth tape from Getty images.
Leave a Reply Cancel reply
- The Domestic Abuse Hotline for Men and Women Needs Volunteers
- Cutting Ties with an Abusive Parent, Sibling or Child
- Obsessed with a Crazy Ex: Are You Stuck?
- Why BPD/NPD Mothers Sabotage their Children
- Comments from the Edge: Understanding Crazy Talk
- Update on the LtCol. Joel Kirk Case
- Radio Tonight: Interview with Daddy Justice
- Brass Balls Award: Husband Sets Boundaries with Slacker Wife and Tells Her to Grow Up and Get a Job
- More Thoughts on FOG, Hoovers and No Contact When Ending a Relationship with a Narcissist, Borderline, Histrionic and/or Sociopath
- Radio Show Tonight at 9pm EST: The Golden Uterus Effect and Mary Richardson Kennedy
- Winning vs. Taking: What Does Winning Mean to Abusive, High-Conflict and/or Personality Disordered Women?
- Man Woman Truth Radio Tonight at 9pm: Divorcing your Kids, Part 1
- Tonight’s Man Woman Truth Program Postponed Until Wednesday, May 2, 2012 at 9pm EST
- Man Woman Truth Radio: Getting Honest about Boys, Part 2
- Why Men Should Not Put Women on Pedestals
- Radio Embed: Thinking with the Big Head Instead of the Little Head
- Radio Embed: Getting Honest about Boys
- Radio Tonight at 9pm EST: Getting Honest about Boys
- Is Kim Kardashian Guilty of Domestic Violence? Dr. Drew Thinks So
- Cop Talk: Domestic Violence Statistics and Police Procedures, Part One
|Juggler on 13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfrie…|
|Sandy on 13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfrie…|
|kwa on 13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfrie…|
|Gordon on Divorce and Break-Ups: There I…|
|Allen on Divorce and Break-Ups: There I…|
|Roger on Divorce and Break-Ups: There I…|
|shrink4men on 10 Reasons You Can’t Com…|
|Tam on 10 Reasons You Can’t Com…|
|Roddy on 10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wi…|
|Bob on How Do I Divorce My Abusive…|
A Shrink for Men Blogs
- New blog post: Why Some Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Mothers Sabotage their Children shrink4men.com/2012/10/02/why… 7 months ago
- New blog post: Please Sign the Petition to Impeach Judge Lori B. Jackson shrink4men.com/2012/09/28/ple… 7 months ago
- @LawRunning - just did. Thanks! 7 months ago
- @LawRunning I rec'd one. Any idea what this is about? 7 months ago
- New blog post: MWT Radio: Interview with Lt. Col. Joel Kirk shrink4men.com/2012/09/17/mwt… 8 months ago