Divorce and Break-Ups: There Is No Closure with a Narcissistic or Borderline Woman
Closure is a healthy part of ending a relationship. You each get to say your peace. You both apologize for any unintentional and/or intentional hurts. You say goodbye and wish each other well. This is how closure works between two reality-based, reasonably sane adults who basically had a good relationship, but didn’t work because you ultimately had different goals, values, interests, a lack of compatibility or you grew apart instead of together.
A less satisfying form of closure is when you had a relationship with someone who wasn’t considerate, wasn’t invested in the relationship or just wasn’t ready for commitment. If this person is a reality-based, reasonably sane adult then you break up and state how they hurt you. They apologize and give you an ego massage by offering, “It’s not you; it’s me. You deserve someone who really loves you.” You accept his or her apology and you both go away feeling a little better.
Trying to get closure with a narcissistic and/or borderline woman usually results in reopening your old wounds, not healing them
Attempting to obtain closure with an abusive, narcissistic and/or borderline woman (i.e., Crazy) is almost always a maddening exercise in futility. You’re not going to get closure with this kind of woman for several reasons. First, she doesn’t meet the three most important prerequisites for giving and receiving closure:
- A reasonable degree of sanity
- A foothold in reality
Being able to give an ex closure means you’re able to accept your share of responsibility for the demise of the relationship and when has your BPD and/or NPD ex ever taken responsibility for her behavior, especially when she was clearly in the wrong?
Don’t you remember how she would rewrite ancient and recent history when you were together by portraying herself as the long suffering heroine and you as the terrible ogre, after every nasty blow-up, attack or cold shoulder episode that she initiated? Do you really think she’s going to admit to any of the relationship atrocities she committed during the relationship now that it’s over? (*Unless, of course, she’s attempting a Hoover.)
I hate to break it to you, but if you’re waiting for this to happen or, heaven forbid, an apology from this woman; IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. If you try to get closure from your NPD and/or BPD ex by detailing the many ways she hurt and tortured you, she’s unlikely to acknowledge what she did.
Instead, she’ll puff herself up, look at you like you’re the crazy one, and mystifyingly tell you, “I was a wonderful and loving wife or girlfriend. How dare you say these things to me? You must be crazy or someone’s brainwashed you. Don’t you remember how good I was to you and the many things I did for you?”
Somebody has a memory problem, but it’s not you. If you seek closure from this woman, she’ll regale you with her revisionist relationship history as you have yet another NPD/BPD induced WTF-moment. You’ll be understandably rattled after walking into another one of her traps and she’ll tell you how worried she is about you because you seem so unhappy now (the “without her” is implied).
Evidence that the hard wiring in these women’s heads is truly out of whack:
1. They don’t get that when you look hurt, unhappy and in pain it’s because of something they’ve done. They think it’s because of something you’ve done because if she hurt you, you deserved it and she was right to hurt you. She’s confused hurting you with “showing you affection” and trying to take most of your assets as “generosity.” You cannot reason with this.
Once most men finally get out of an abusive relationship, they feel an intense amount of relief. They have regret and sadness that they fell in love with a woman who doesn’t really exist and put up with the abuse for so long, but that’s normal. Nearly every man I know who’s broken free from one of these women is infinitely happier — even with less money (if it’s divorce—a reader describes it as “the price of freedom, sanity and happiness”) and/or less time with their kid(s). Once the abuse stops, it’s a tremendous relief.
2. What they call love is really abuse and control, but they doggedly insist, it’s love. Enough said.
3. Some of them truly believe they were the best wife or girlfriend. You could show this kind of woman a video tape of one of her unprovoked rage attacks and she’d still deny she did it or find a way to blame you for it. Her defense mechanisms are impenetrable.
This is why it’s crazy for you to seek closure from this woman. She may have brief moments in which she can recognize the truth of who she is and what she’s done. However, the reality of it terrifies her and shakes her to the core. Instead of apologizing to you, she’ll quickly revert back to her idealized false self or image that no one (who knows her well) believes.
Narcissistic women in particular believe that their facade is so slick that no one can see through it and many people don’t until they get too close, which is why these women don’t let anyone get too close. In other words, she believes her own bullshit. She has to believe it because if she doesn’t she fears she will fall apart. It’s a matter of ego preservation vs. ego annihilation except that she’s actually preserving her false self.
Then she will either attack you or gaslight you by rewriting history yet again. Do you really want to get caught in one of these crazy-making, never ending loops with your ex? Didn’t you learn your lesson while you were with her?
Here’s how you get closure from an emotionally abusive narcissistic and/or borderline woman: Get as far away from her as you can and then get on with your life. The best form of closure for you is living well and that means a life free of abuse, filled with love and happiness. This woman will never have the kind of relationships other people are capable of — she will be left with herself and that’s a fate I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.
Private Consultation and Coaching
I provide confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. My practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit Services and Products for professional inquiries.
If you find the information I provide free of charge helpful and valuable here on Shrink4Men, please consider making a donation via PayPal to help me maintain the site.
Please close the door by aeioux on flickr.
- “Say Goodbye to Crazy” to Be Released for Pre-order on Valentines Day
- Going Mental with Dr Tara Palmatier and Paul Elam: Abusive Women, Smart Men, Bad Choices
- In His Own Words: Mother or Monster?
- In His Own Words: Heeding Childhood Lessons
- In His Own Words: The Making of a Knight in Shining Armor
- In His Own Words: A Real Time Cry for Help
- In His Own Words: Summer from Hell
- In His Own Words: Sex, Lies and Videotape
- In His Own Words: Dodging a Bullet
- In His Own Words: The Monster Behind the Beautiful Mask
- In His Own Words: Princess Turns into a Poisonous Toad
- In His Own Words: A BPD Mom and a Recently Divorced Custody Evaluator Walk into a Courtroom . . .
- In His Own Words: Dangerous Crazy Bitch Ahead
- In His Own Words: Another VAWA Success Story
- In His Own Words: One Brownie, Hold the Nuts
- In His Own Words: Violent Alcoholic Wife Attacks (VAWA)
- In His Own Words: Living a Nightmare
- Domestic Violence Awareness Month: Men Are the Invisible Victims
- MWT Radio Tonight: Lake Tantrum Special with James Mongiat
- In Defense of James Mongiat (Soon-to-Be_Ex-Husband of the Lake Tantrum Lady
A Shrink for Men Blogs
- Inspirational Facebook memes #Redflag #DomesticViolenceAwareness #DatingMistakesMenMake #dating #Datingadvice http://t.co/DxmHfCZVUQ 1 month ago
- Porno for the personality disordered #DatingMistakesMenMake #datingadvice #redflag http://t.co/PsVsxTmzmA 1 month ago
- Obsessed with HER exes #DomesticViolenceAwarenessMonth #DatingMistakesMenMake @PlentyOfFish @eHarmony @eHarmonyUK http://t.co/TDvCRKXefc 1 month ago
- Obsessed with YOUR exes #DatingMistakesMenMake #datingadvice #DomesticViolenceAwarenessMonth @PlentyOfFish @Match http://t.co/0w8qY9SrGj 1 month ago
- Crazy lady texts #DatingMistakesMenMake @PlentyOfFish @Match @eHarmony @eHarmonyUK #DomesticViolenceAwarenessMonth http://t.co/mTkmsltgY7 1 month ago