5 Ways to Avoid Becoming Involved with Another Crazy, Emotionally Abusive Woman
Many men have a long established pattern of dating and/or marrying crazy, emotionally and/or physically abusive women. If you’re one of them and have managed to end your most recent abusive relationship, here are some warning signs and ways you can avoid becoming involved with another one of these highly destructive women:
1) Dig, baby, dig. Do a little gentle digging (i.e., no police interrogation tactics) about her past relationships and why they didn’t work out. Does she blame all of her exes and make them out to be bastards? If so, steer clear. You want to hear a potential love interest take some of the responsibility about the demise of her past relationships. “I was young and immature. I didn’t know what I wanted. I realize now that I…”
Taking responsibility for her choices and holding herself accountable is a good indication that you’re probably dealing with a grown-up. However, don’t confuse self-blame and responsibility. If she trashes herself, puts herself down, blames herself for her failed relationships, actually admits how crazy she is and drove the other men away, get out while the getting’s good.
If she tells you up front how crazy she is don’t minimize, ignore it or explain it away; look for the nearest exit sign. People will give you warning signs very early on in a relationship, so pay close attention.
2) Beware of an inexplicable, instant, powerful and overwhelming attraction to a woman or if you feel like you “already know her” because of an “instant connection.” Odds are you do already know her. She’s probably just another embodiment of your old issues. Yes, instant chemistry exists and this new woman might be as wonderful as she appears to be, but go slowly.
The charming, but illusory façade of abusive woman begins to crack fairly soon into the relationship, but gradually, which is why so many men minimize, overlook, deny and/or excuse the abusive behaviors. She seems amazing and then there’s an attack “out of nowhere.” She goes back to “normal” for a few weeks and then there’s another incident and another and another and another. In most cases, the period of time between abusive episodes becomes shorter and shorter. Don’t wait that long to get out.
For example, the two of you meet and she’s great. Two weeks go by and she has her first rage episode in which she accuses you of being “insensitive” or “selfish” in the absence of any selfish or insensitive behaviors on your part. You’re bewildered and left wondering, “What just happened?” This is when you should go on high alert and pay very close attention to what she does next:
a) Does she pretend like it didn’t happen? Does she minimize or deny that it happened? This is called gaslighting and it’s abusive.
b) Does she apologize prettily, cry and say she was having a bad day at work and her boss was being mean to her and then you didn’t call her at the exact minute she was expecting you to call and she just couldn’t take it anymore and snapped? Don’t fall for it. This isn’t really an apology. She’s not taking responsibility for her bad behavior. Rather, she’s blaming her boss and you. Everyone has a bad day from time to time and maybe you want to give her the benefit of the doubt. Ok, but when it happens a second and a third time, she’s not “just having a bad day,” this is who she is.
c) Does she blatantly blame you for her bad behavior without even feigning an empty apology? There’s no gray area here. She’s an abusive personality and you should probably walk away.
d) Does she cry and beg you not to leave her, flushed with high drama, saying things like “I don’t know what I’ll do if you leave me. No one has ever made me feel this way. I don’t want to go on without you. Please don’t leave me!?” Get a restraining order, change your phone number and get a new email account. This is probably full throttle BPD.
3) Beware of grand gestures or extreme selfishness. If she gives you an extravagant gift or orchestrates some incredible fantasy date within a few weeks of knowing her, be alarmed. If she expects you to take care of everything, make all the plans, entertain her, pay for everything and doesn’t reciprocate, be alarmed.
The former shows inappropriate boundaries and she’s probably working from the angle of “now he’ll owe me” and the latter indicates you will always “do” for her and get nothing in return except complaints and criticism. Nothing will ever be “good enough” for this kind of woman. Abusive types sometimes do very nice things or show empathy, but it’s on the condition that you will be available to them on demand.
4) BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES—Getting too close, too fast. Another warning sign is if she tries to insinuate herself into your other relationships and personal space too quickly. For example, you’ve been dating for two weeks, she finds out it’s your dad’s birthday that weekend and buys him a gift. Or she has roommate troubles and could she stay at your place “temporarily” after only knowing you a month. Or she wants to introduce you to her family in record time. This is evidence that she has poor or zero boundaries and it only goes downhill from here.
5) Mine! Mine! Mine! Extreme possessiveness. If she’s resentful early on about how and with whom you spend your time, this is a bad sign. Abusers feel jealous and threatened when you spend time with your family and friends—even talking on the phone with your sister who’s having a health crisis will set these women off. If she becomes nasty and berates you about having outside interests and hobbies, then, in the words of the Apollo 13 crew, “Houston, we have a problem.”
This is an early warning sign that this woman will use any means necessary to isolate you from your friends and family—the people who care about you and your well-being. If a woman like this can effectively isolate you, then you’re basically under her control and at her mercy without any outside support to tell you that she’s nuts and you deserve to be treated better.
When you meet a kind, loving and healthy woman, it’ll probably feel a little strange to you at first. That’s normal. Ride it out. Remind yourself this is what you want and let yourself enjoy it. Consciously make the decision to be open to it and you’ll get there. Relationships really can be that mutually rewarding and satisfying.
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries or send an email to shrink4men@gmail.com.
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Related content:
- Can a Man Who Was Emotionally Abused by his Narcissistic or Borderline Wife Have a Relationship with a Healthy Woman?
- How to Have a Healthy Relationship After Being with an Emotionally Abusive Borderline or Narcissistic Women
- 25 Signs your Narcissistic or Borderline Wife or Girlfriend is Traumatizing You
- Can a Man Break the Cycle of Emotional Abuse After Being with a Crazy Narcissistic or Borderline Wife or Girlfriend?
- Traumatic Love: Is your Narcissistic or Borderline Wife or Girlfriend Making You Sick?
- Ending a Painful Relationship and Starting Over
- How to Make Changes in your Relationship and Life
- Why We Stay in Bad Relationships
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Shrink4Men 
My best friend is married to one of these crazy women. It’s so sad to see her drag him down with her. She acts like I’m in competition with her for him. I used to hang out with my friend once a week or so but have gotten fed up with her control issues and decided to leave them alone in their misery.
When I would come over to hang out with him, I can feel her hate vibes. It seems like it’s a control thing since I can’t be trained as easily as him. When she pulls this petty bs, I make it clear her guilt trips and lectures don’t work on me and can see her for what she really is: helpless and scared. This ticks her off even more, which leads her to berate my friend. I feel bad for him, but I won’t be walked on because she’s scared of everything. If only he could do this for himself.
I am married for last 3 years and I use to be a happy man with good income and job. Right now I am in a different country which is not me or my wife homeland.
Things I am going to write in here are the one I cannot tell or share with anybody in this earth who knoews me in person. Sort of things not any man would tell another man as its embarrassing.
Don’t know where to start! Well lets strat with my self-confidence and sense of self-worth as all disappeared. I am in a mental and physical bully relationship (I mean I get bitten up by my wife and trust me she is strong and I don’t want to raise my hand on her… NO WAY).
I start to believe the horrible things she says to me is actually true. My life with her it’s like walking through a landmine in which the mines shift location every second so it’s hard to guess. Zest and spark for life is being sucked out of me piece by piece more each day.
I want for any price or whatever it takes to maintain myself respect. I mean any!!! Even to the extent of ending my ugly life. I really feeling I am in a dead end. Hopeless is the right word, I feel hopeless.
I don’t want to write or tell to anyone who may feel pity for me and try to help, also have no one to share my pain. I know you don’t know me but I use to be a very positive and a happy man people around me they use to enjoy to be around me and they use to call me wise man. Now I don’t know what to do I am 48 years old man and I don’t know how to help my wife or myself. I feel one of those day which she pick a knife up to kill me she wil do and it will be too late. You may ask why I am still there? Well now I have no money to go anywhere or feeling too old to do somthing about it.
October 2012 I left my work and open a new company here in Turkey. With my wife we are working together and share everyday day and night together which apparently is not a good idea especially with her mental issues life gets unbearable to me day by day. I just want to disappear from here and this earth. Since I am with her I spend a few good nights outside of the house but last night she came to me and asked me “to pack my things and f… off”. I spend my last night in the park which was very cold night but main question was in age 48 see how I am was felt more cold then winter night.
It’s me who create and be so passive to let things to get to this stage and get kicked out in the end. Problem this time, I am not in UK and I can’t move….. even if I move… move where? In my home country my father who doesn’t even open the door to me? To England which I have no place no job? I know its end of the line for me. Made so many mistakes in my life and now it’s time to pay back. Unfortunately the price is so unfair and hard when I think what I am going to leave behind.
I love life, I love people, I love to have hope but feeling so hopeless right now it just kills the rest of my wish list.
Thank you guys if you read it.
These are great articles even for me (a woman) to read. I just wanted to say that sometimes the things abusive people do are not always obvious. I just came out of a 6 year relationship where my partner did everything on your list but in a really insidious, covert, passive aggressive way that left me constantly confused and wondering if I was imagining things. I ended up a depressed, anxious shell of my former self, and luckily he informed me I was no longer meeting his needs and dumped me after 6 years. I was initially devastated, but since recovering from the heart break I feel fantastic and the depression and anxiety have almost gone. I just wanted to say to any guys that have found this page but their girlfriend maybe isn’t quite as crazy as the article says but you know in your gut something is WRONG, but you just can’t put your finger on it – something probably is wrong and you can still be abused by her even if it is not obvious.
Both women and men can be abusive, but there are also alot of wonderful women and men out there who are emotionally mature and caring. Don’t stay with someone who makes you feel like s**t, whatever the reason, or anyone who is nasty to you. Nice girls don’t get nasty for any reason, they react with thought and maturity, not pettiness. And to the guys who commented before about their girlfriends being physically abusive – this is NOT ok or normal. It is not ok for women to hit men any more than it is for men to hit women. Get out. There are nice girls out there who will treat you well. Men deserve to receive care, empathy and love just as much as women do so don’t settle for less because some manipulative person has made you think being mistreated in a relationship is normal.
Dear Dr T,
I think it would be problematic to get BPD/NPD participants to voluntarily enter into a clinical trial or indeed a functional MRI study but within an ethical constraint, a paid clinical study could be met. I believe the scientific medical model is the way ahead. If I may anser my original question to you, exiting such relationships is simply a pragmatic way ahead in the absence of an evidenced based treatment approach.
I am a newcomer to these pages having experienced BPD/NPD recently and agree with the tenor of these very sad pages that these people can be quite dangerous and destructive. The debate about free will is complex but often rape/incest victims will still know right from wrong and not wish to cause direct harm. It is difficult not to see theses highly functioning people as not plain and simply evil. But I would still want to seek out behavioural, pharmaceutical and fMRI studies of these patients.
Excellent site.
Dr K PhD FFPM RCPEng
Hello kilminsters,
I hope that one day a more efficacious treatment can be pioneered for these disorders, but the fields of psychiatry et al are not there yet.
I don’t understand your statement that “often rape/incest victims will still know right from wrong and not wish to cause direct harm.” First, not all rape and/or incest victims develop BPD/NPD/HPD/AsPD (if that is what you’re implying) nor have all individuals with these disorders experienced rape, incest and/or other forms of abuse in their childhoods. Some come from relatively stable and loving homes. I suspect that many victims of violent crimes (regardless of whether or not they have PDs) know the difference between right and wrong nor do they wish to cause others harm. I also suspect that many NPDs/BPDs “wish” not to abuse others and/or don’t intend to harm others, but do, nevertheless, with great regularity. Intention does not negate consequence.
Meanwhile, I will continue to advocate that people who are being abused by individuals with these disorders to protect themselves and heal.
Kind Regards,
Dr Tara
Dear Dr T, this is a most helpful site but it has one treatment regimen only for the abused partner; exit! With PTSD there are treatments including EMDR. My guess since BPD/NPD have some common symptomatology with PTSD – perhaps this might work. Has anyone done any RCTs with this patient group? Has anyone done fMRI studies?
Dr K
Hi kilminsters,
Yes, some BPD/NPD individuals have some PTSD symptomatology, but not all. I disagree with theories that claim BPD is a complex form of PTSD. Therefore, I don’t know if EMDR would be helpful or just another small band-aid on a giant gaping wound.
Dr. Tara,
My name is Alex, and I am 27 and have been dating my girlfriend now for almost two years, everything at first seemed almost too fairy-tailish, I guess that’s what you would term the “Honey Moon” stage. I truly love her with all my being, but the mental stress, and heartache I have been put through have been more than just a challenge. Firstly, I catch her lying over the most trivial, insignificant things that makes me to be believe she feels I’m either that dumb, or naive. Secondly, she is physically abusive, we just had a blow out yesterday where she physically attacked me full force and hurt her own wrist by doing so. This isn’t the first physical attack. She is very secretive with everythng, not to say that I’m insecure etc, but she is constantly on her phone like a teeanage girl, almost 15 hours a day. Everytime I want to have a serious talk with her she blows it off and says I don’t want to talk to about it now, which in turn means we never talk about it or resolve it. She depends on me right now, she verbally abusive, says some of the nastiest things you could ever imagine, and I feel degraded and belittled as a man. I was always taught to respect women. I take care of her for the most part, pay the bills, take care of the pets, etc.. She is very selfish, even though I help her pay for her car insurance, payments, etc, she is unwlling to share it with me. Now, sometimes she can be the sweetest girl ever as well, so don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a bashing of her completely. But everything she does, she holds over my head, and it’s really demeaning and hurtful to feel like your loved one would do things like that. I am kind of stuck in a tough place here, co-signing a car for her, sharing my home (b/c she has no place to go) and always seeming like I am here to rescue her in a sense. I am coming to my wits end, and feeling very frustrated and overwhelmed, anxious, and depressed as of lately. I have tried to come to terms that she is mentally unstable, she is on multiple meds and sees a therapist, and always says that I’m the crazy one and I need help. I have people tell me that I am the nicest person they know, so I feel utterly confused and helpless when the person I have given my all to treats me like this. Do you believe there is any salvation for my relationship, and if not how can I possibly go about breaking it off. She is a very attractive woman and holds that over me all the time, “you know how many guys I could have” blah blah etc.. to me that’s not something a loved one says, but she also says I’m the love of her life..I’m kind of embarrassed but I’m scared to leave her b/c of the heartache I will have to endure.. ( WEAK) Yes, I know… AHHHHHH! I could go on and on, so many stories, so many people have told me to leave, but again I feel I’m stuck, and possibly in potentially dangerous situation.
Thanks for listening,
Alex
Hello Alex, my good god this is exactly the same relationship i’m in at the moment i do really feel for you. It’s a daily struggle to even keep your own mind fixed on the normal things in life let alone deal with a relationship like ours. I’ve come to terms and decided to get out before my own health gets bad, i’ve done everything for this women and she litteraly throws it all back in my face again and again and again. She won’t change because they think all the trouble is due to YOU. I wish you all the best Alex it’s not easy but please make the right choice and there will be someone else who will love you for who you are.
All the best Drew.
Dr. Tara,
Special thanks for the article on 5 Ways to Avoid Becoming Involved with Another Crazy, Emotionally Abusive Woman
I have a question that is haunted me. Can a person with boarderline personality disorder get benefits from and anti depressant? Prior to last breakup, she took a anti depressant for about 2-3 months and everything seemed so normal….. Until one day she started smashing plates and demanding that she was going to call the police if I didnt leave. I asked her if she was still taking the medication and she said that she stopped becasue she didnt like the way it made her feel. It was an SRI.
Everything seemed so normal during the period prior to her outburst of rage, I was curious if there is benefits for those that have BPD. I know that I felt that I needed one for the challenges that I faced during our relationship.
Thanks,
GB
Hi Greg
Antidepressants treat symptoms of depression, not BPD. Instead of looking for ways to help your BPD exgf, please start focusing on yourself, healing from the abuse, letting go and moving on. It will be time far better spent than trying to figure out how to help someone who, from what you’ve written, isn’t invested in getting well.
Best,
Dr T
Thank you for this :)
I was thinking about the “meet the parents” thing. After the fifth time or so we’d met she took me to see her parents. It was on the way back home from a trip we’d gone on and well, I didn’t feel there was anything wrong with it since it was on the way back. Is it almost always a red flag? Even though the circumstances may indicate convenience purposes? It didn’t bother me at the time since I didn’t think we where dating and I don’t have a problem meeting new people.
Very useful advice. Hard to hear and accept, however, please heed or like me one’s reputation, credibility, mental health, family relationships and bank balance can be severely affected. But what love she showed, what intensity and deep down I know with help she could be the most amazing person ever. But for a BPD insight is one thing they lack, and I became the worst person ever. And if truth be known I reacted to her and gave her further ammunition to fire at me. Sometimes one has to say enough is enough and just walk out and never contact them again even if one is married. The truth is they are in control at all times, even when they want a divorce to happen. I am heart broken but my mental health is more important than anyone. And it begs another question, if someone love you truly would they treat you in such away as to make one a nervous wreck? Yes, but only if they have a mental health problem themselves.
No. They have either been taught a very screwed up idea (lie) about what Love is, or have twisted it so much in their own mind, that it is not Love.
When someone like this shows ‘love’ it may be a sincere attempt to be nice to you on their end (usually in an insecure attempt to keep you from abandoning them–again, it’s all about her / him), but it’s not real Love. Real Love doesn’t change with the weather. When someone really Loves you, it doesn’t fade in and out. They don’t love you one day and hate you the next. They don’t beg you for sex one day then screw someone else and blame you for it the next.
That’s maybe why it’s so hard for the men to break away from these types of women -the (assumed emotionally healthy) men ARE capable of real Love, so their hearts actually do feel pain at the thought of ending the relationship…but for an abuser, they don’t feel that pain, b/c what they believe is love isn’t.
Just great,thank you Dr. Tara.Would I possibly get your advice,i am iranian and dont know how to pay as I don’t have any credit card :( any other way possible.
Again thank you,IU really found your articles useful and professional.
Thank you, Forouzan. I’m glad you find my site helpful.
Please contact me at shrink4men@gmail.com to discuss professional services.
Kind Regards,
Dr Tara
Hi DR. T
I read your article about breaking away from a BPD girlfriend and once again I am always questioning if I was the one who scared her off.
I mean after meeting her I felt she was immediately the one and I wanted to plunge into a life with her. I was not afraid of an immediate commitment, which is quite silly indeed, but that is how much I felt the need to be loved by her, and to love her in return. There was no thought of sex at that point, just the need to love and be loved by this person. When we did become boyfriend and girlfriend, and she moved to Canada, the relationship became long distance. Then I was always concerned about whatever activities she was involved in, and whomever she had as friends. I was ultra insecure, and I don’t know if the distance sparked that fear but I did become possessive. On one occasion, I found out she was a sex counselor, and I became alarmed and angry, asking her why she was doing that- I was expressing the fear of her becoming close to sex, which I wanted to have saved for us, not her and others.
Anyhow, the relationship ended last September after she said it is no longer going to work (this is after we had met and shared togetherness in July)and that shocked me. As a matter of fact, we had both planned marriage in June of this year, so hearing she no longer wanted me and us, and had moved on to someone else shattered me. I felt so betrayed and devastated.
She has been diagnosed as BPD by a clinical pyschologist whom I had visited. Yet, whenever I read,such as this article on breaking up, I immediately begin questioning if there were things that I did that caused this girl to leave, or if she is indeed a BPD who will not change.
ShattaPaul: I know this response is months after your post, but I hope you have moved on.
Anyone who can ‘love’ you one day, but not the next,or who can just drop you for someone else with little to no explanation…I’m sorry to say, NEVER truly Loved you in the first place.
Therefore, it’s not worth your time or mental effort to try to figure it out. Chalk it up as a learning experience, write a list of ‘red flags’ that you missed with this one, and pay attention to those (and add to the list if you feel the need) with the next one.
i’m dating a Histrionic personality and to say the least its interesting at best and sad to see people so trapped inside of themselves unable to escape from the self created drama, it’s enough to make you shed tears at the loneliness they unconsiously choose I guess. The guilt mongering tactics are key to their sucess at overwhelming you if your not strong enough to resist and with my girl she has days where she’s cool and collected as long as she is the center of atention she’s alright but by the 4th day it’s like out of no where it all collapses, she will find some reason to worry and bug the hell out of me, its sad it really is.
“d) Does she cry and beg you not to leave her, flushed with high drama, saying things like “I don’t know what I’ll do if you leave me. No one has ever made me feel this way. I don’t want to go on without you. Please don’t leave me!?” Get a restraining order, change your phone number and get a new email account. This is probably full throttle BPD.”
Doh! yup…..July 27th of this year……She said while weeping, “I’m afraid you’ll take your love away from me”
I’ve written this before on this blog….It’s just amazing how I find all these “Nuggets” scattered all over this blog. I guess unbeknown to me these are all too typical for a BPD type.
I’m learning……..I’ll get there soon enough with your help Dr. T.
As always, thanks for your continued help.
My NPD want me to give up my hobbies – woodworking and music. If someone wants you to give up something you love (that is doing you no harm), that is a major red flag!
Hi I have come across your blog and this is great. I have recently discovered that my brother is in such a relationship with the NPD woman. They have got a kid unfortunatelly and they are married for 7 years. She is a very well educated Doctor of Psychology. It is very bizzarre for me. I felt from some time ago that there is something wrong with this woman that I cannot make any relationship with her as she seems to be not interested in any relationship with me. She isolates my brother from a family etc. I found all typical features of NPD person in her. Unfotunately, thinks go worse as my brother changes and modifies his behavious, he avoids contacts with the family, intimate and sincere conversations etc. He pretends to be busy as uses excuses that he has got a demanding job and therefore he has not limited free time and he wants to spend this time with his family (her and a kid). She must control everything around her, their kid is totally under her control and totally dependent on her. I am really depressed and frustarated by my current relationship with my brother. Shall I talk with him about it ? Shall I tell him that he is with NPD person and explain to him what NPD is? I think he has not recognise her behaviour as disorder. H
Hi Monika,
It appears your brother is isolating himself from the people who care about him—his friends and family. Unfortunately, this is typical for a person involved with an abusive spouse/partner. There’s a post on my blog in which a man’s son is in a similar predicament. (Follow this link).
You probably won’t be able to get your brother to see the light about his wife. Oftentimes, that’s something the target has to do in his own time. Or, he may already be aware of what’s going on and is ashamed to admit it. He may feel stuck because of the child or he doesn’t want to look like a “failure” or he’s afraid of the financial losses that most high conflict divorces (and all divorces with BPD/NPD women are high conflict) will incur.
My advice is to find ways to let your brother know that you love him no matter what and that you’re there for support without judgment if he needs it.
Kind Regards,
Dr Tara
Great blog and article! really adds something new, clear and straight-forward to the available material on NPD and abusive relationships.
Thanks, James. I appreciate the positive feedback. Hopefully, it’s helping some individuals make sense of why they’re having a hard time moving on from these relationships.
Kind Regards,
Dr Tara
I just got divorced from an npd woman and the sad thing it was not my choice. To simply put her in perspective…Her ideal loves become human and the excitement is gone and she moves on without any empathy towards others.
There were red flags,before I was married, which somehow I chosed to ignore.For example she said “Right or Wrong I will never date a married man again.” This should of instantly told me she lacked a moral compass. Beside that she did cheat on me with a younger married man…Oops. During this time my middle age wife would say ” I want what I want when I want it and I am not going to change now.” I would say El you have no self-control or boundaries and she would reply…” What are you talking about This is LIFE!” It was all about her needs and desires, including her fantasy in which there were many. According to her, her life was an open book which in my oppinion should have been another red flag. She had many and I mean many relations before me with both sexes, some she did not tell me until we were married. She said she will try anything at least once, always trying to achieve a higher excitement state. She manipulate me and once I was of no use to her she just threw the marriage away.
She definiely was a sexual narcissim as well and now she has move on to her next victum a young married man. The interesting thing is, if she can take him away from his wife and she thinks she can, she has sowed the seeds of the destruction of that relationship because he has no college education, she does, and it concerns her.
These woman are predators. She damaged me…my fault for allowing this to happen.
Beware these npd’s come in all shapes and sizes. they made be beautiful of skanky on the outside but there all pitch dark on the inside.
Ron,
Thanks so much for sharing!
Whenever we get to a point where we are no longer tolerant of all the emotional and psychological manipulation/abuse from them then it’s a problem for them and one that they can easily resolve by “getting another person in the picture” and one that Can emotionally manipulate by them. Really it’s a very sick and dysfunctional cycle but one they will play out over and over again.