Home > Abusive relationships, Borderline Personality Disorder, divorce, Marriage, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Psychology, relationships > 5 Ways to Avoid Becoming Involved with Another Crazy, Emotionally Abusive Woman

5 Ways to Avoid Becoming Involved with Another Crazy, Emotionally Abusive Woman


beautiful woman maskMany men have a long established pattern of dating and/or marrying crazy, emotionally and/or physically abusive women. If you’re one of them and have managed to end your most recent abusive relationship, here are some warning signs and ways you can avoid becoming involved with another one of these highly destructive women:

1) Dig, baby, dig. Do a little gentle digging (i.e., no police interrogation tactics) about her past relationships and why they didn’t work out. Does she blame all of her exes and make them out to be bastards? If so, steer clear. You want to hear a potential love interest take some of the responsibility about the demise of her past relationships. “I was young and immature. I didn’t know what I wanted. I realize now that I…

Taking responsibility for her choices and holding herself accountable is a good indication that you’re probably dealing with a grown-up. However, don’t confuse self-blame and responsibility. If she trashes herself, puts herself down, blames herself for her failed relationships, actually admits how crazy she is and drove the other men away, get out while the getting’s good.

If she tells you up front how crazy she is don’t minimize, ignore it or explain it away; look for the nearest exit sign. People will give you warning signs very early on in a relationship, so pay close attention.

2) Beware of an inexplicable, instant, powerful and overwhelming attraction to a woman or if you feel like you “already know her” because of an “instant connection.” Odds are you do already know her. She’s probably just another embodiment of your old issues. Yes, instant chemistry exists and this new woman might be as wonderful as she appears to be, but go slowly.

The charming, but illusory façade of abusive woman begins to crack fairly soon into the relationship, but gradually, which is why so many men minimize, overlook, deny and/or excuse the abusive behaviors. She seems amazing and then there’s an attack “out of nowhere.” She goes back to “normal” for a few weeks and then there’s another incident and another and another and another. In most cases, the period of time between abusive episodes becomes shorter and shorter. Don’t wait that long to get out.

For example, the two of you meet and she’s great. Two weeks go by and she has her first rage episode in which she accuses you of being “insensitive” or “selfish” in the absence of any selfish or insensitive behaviors on your part. You’re bewildered and left wondering, “What just happened?” This is when you should go on high alert and pay very close attention to what she does next:

a) Does she pretend like it didn’t happen? Does she minimize or deny that it happened? This is called gaslighting and it’s abusive.

b) Does she apologize prettily, cry and say she was having a bad day at work and her boss was being mean to her and then you didn’t call her at the exact minute she was expecting you to call and she just couldn’t take it anymore and snapped? Don’t fall for it. This isn’t really an apology. She’s not taking responsibility for her bad behavior. Rather, she’s blaming her boss and you. Everyone has a bad day from time to time and maybe you want to give her the benefit of the doubt. Ok, but when it happens a second and a third time, she’s not “just having a bad day,” this is who she is.

c) Does she blatantly blame you for her bad behavior without even feigning an empty apology? There’s no gray area here. She’s an abusive personality and you should probably walk away.

d) Does she cry and beg you not to leave her, flushed with high drama, saying things like “I don’t know what I’ll do if you leave me. No one has ever made me feel this way. I don’t want to go on without you. Please don’t leave me!? Get a restraining order, change your phone number and get a new email account. This is probably full throttle BPD.

3) Beware of grand gestures or extreme selfishness. If she gives you an extravagant gift or orchestrates some incredible fantasy date within a few weeks of knowing her, be alarmed. If she expects you to take care of everything, make all the plans, entertain her, pay for everything and doesn’t reciprocate, be alarmed.

The former shows inappropriate boundaries and she’s probably working from the angle of “now he’ll owe me” and the latter indicates you will always “do” for her and get nothing in return except complaints and criticism. Nothing will ever be “good enough” for this kind of woman. Abusive types sometimes do very nice things or show empathy, but it’s on the condition that you will be available to them on demand.

4) BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES—Getting too close, too fast. Another warning sign is if she tries to insinuate herself into your other relationships and personal space too quickly. For example, you’ve been dating for two weeks, she finds out it’s your dad’s birthday that weekend and buys him a gift. Or she has roommate troubles and could she stay at your place “temporarily” after only knowing you a month. Or she wants to introduce you to her family in record time. This is evidence that she has poor or zero boundaries and it only goes downhill from here.

5) Mine! Mine! Mine! Extreme possessiveness. If she’s resentful early on about how and with whom you spend your time, this is a bad sign. Abusers feel jealous and threatened when you spend time with your family and friends—even talking on the phone with your sister who’s having a health crisis will set these women off. If she becomes nasty and berates you about having outside interests and hobbies, then, in the words of the Apollo 13 crew, “Houston, we have a problem.”

This is an early warning sign that this woman will use any means necessary to isolate you from your friends and family—the people who care about you and your well-being. If a woman like this can effectively isolate you, then you’re basically under her control and at her mercy without any outside support to tell you that she’s nuts and you deserve to be treated better.

When you meet a kind, loving and healthy woman, it’ll probably feel a little strange to you at first. That’s normal. Ride it out. Remind yourself this is what you want and let yourself enjoy it. Consciously make the decision to be open to it and you’ll get there. Relationships really can be that mutually rewarding and satisfying.

by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

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I provide confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. My practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit Services and Products for professional inquiries.

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  1. Anon_man
    December 29, 2013 at 6:12 pm

    I have children with a woman like this. We are divorced after an agonizing 13 years wrought with affairs, blaming, self-doubt, threats of leaving me and then coming back when it looked like I was “finally going to change”. I was starting to move on. I even started dating someone, and this other woman was vastly different. This threw my ex for a loop, and suddenly she was talking to me about how “I thought we talked about maybe giving things another try?” So, reluctantly at first, like a dope I agreed to “try working it out” because she agreed to start therapy. Her momentary soft, caring, interested, mutually-supportive, and then intensely sexual and passionate affection and infatuation for me lasted about until the time I let her move back in, which she rushed to do a mere month and a half later -I almost felt like I had no choice. Around this time, her passionate infatuation turned very quickly into more of a comfortable “yup, I love you” marked with disinterest, denial and criticism of me for being “insecure” at noticing her shift in demeanor, followed again by months of casting doubt on any negative thing I felt or perceived about her until the point where it was like all the therapy I had gone through for myself was undone. This, of course, only bolstered her even more into believing and telling me it was all my fault, like I stopped being someone that I was in the beginning. More disinterest and immersion into other things (like staying in bed all day), followed by periodic expressions of boredom. I felt there was something wrong, so I would ask, but that would just give her cause to again tell me that I am too “focused on her’ and ‘insecure’ (except 5 minutes later when she wants me to bring her breakfast and give her ‘attention’). And around that time she started hanging out with her “friend” (the last guy she cheated on me with while married, who she has kept dangling on the hook for 3 years) because “he can handle my critical and demanding ways and still loves me, as a friend of course” (in other words… he does what I’m telling you that you don’t do, again). Sometimes, she would “hang out and talk” with him late at night four or five nights a week, often after I went to sleep. A handful of times that I know about she was in hotel rooms with him overnight or at least until the very early hours of the morning, still assuring me that nothing is going on. This tortured me for months, as I vacillated in between trying to tolerate it for the sake of our relationship and to trust her (which, again, she made sound like was the adult thing to do), burying my feelings, and getting angry. Of course, this proved to her that I was insecure and jealous and all the other things until, after giving me a long lecture about how I “went back to how I was” and ruined the entire relationship, she decided we should “just be friends”. I was shell-shocked. Come to find out a few days later, from people who had seen some of her out-of-control behavior and listened to things she told them, that there had been more lies (involving not only this guy but also a friend of our teenage son), more hiding, and more exaggerating and telling people what a bastard I am. I told her she needs to move out, and that was followed by a long guilt trip about how she thought my tears after her long lecture were “genuine” and would make me pursue her again. Unbelievable. I wish I never went back. I wish I never met her. But I can’t fully get away from her because we share custody of children. Awful!

  2. Morty Frobnitz
    August 22, 2013 at 11:58 am

    Well i wish I had found this website years ago when I first started to date my wife. I recently found out that she was a BPD and that i was not loosing my mind. I have found that I was feeling depressed, lonely, Isolated from family and friends, and on a couple occassion having suicidal ideation. I thought am I crazy. But then I do what i always do when I don’t understand things, I research it. I found that I am not crazy and that every point that is made here is my wife as well as all the DSM IV criteria are. I have a background in MH but I don’t want to say too much here but WOW!!! I have hope and I have started to set limits with the usual upheavels. It almost came to seperation and divorce but she flipped becoming very sweet. I am not falling for this and I am watching closly. She even abmitts to thinking I am going to leave her and find someone new all the time. I am the blame for everything and i believed it for a while. Not anymore. I know I have played my part in trouble but not to the extent that I should be vilified for it. I have hope now and know if the worse comes to the front i am now strong enough and understand the dynamics to make the best decision for me.

  3. Lawrence Sim
    August 16, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    Thanks for this blog.

    I was friends with this crazy bitch (undiagnosed) with BPD like features. I first knew her when she kept bitching about the previous guy who tried to get into a relationship with her and later changed his mind as he wasn’t so interested in her.

    Moreover, she has no boundaries and kept trying to get close (physically and emotionally) to me.

    Needless to say, she nearly drove me insane and nearly ruined my life. She has since went on to her next victim and has ruined that person’s life by causing him to lose his job.

    I’m so glad I ran and I changed all of my contact info. She’s freaking damn crazy and nuts. Shun such people at all costs! God forbid you meet such people, and if you spot even one of the warning signs above, RUN, run for your life and never look back! You will be thankful you did!

  4. theJdogg
    August 12, 2013 at 6:37 am

    My best friend is married to one of these crazy women. It’s so sad to see her drag him down with her. She acts like I’m in competition with her for him. I used to hang out with my friend once a week or so but have gotten fed up with her control issues and decided to leave them alone in their misery.

    When I would come over to hang out with him, I can feel her hate vibes. It seems like it’s a control thing since I can’t be trained as easily as him. When she pulls this petty bs, I make it clear her guilt trips and lectures don’t work on me and can see her for what she really is: helpless and scared. This ticks her off even more, which leads her to berate my friend. I feel bad for him, but I won’t be walked on because she’s scared of everything. If only he could do this for himself.

  5. Eran
    March 19, 2013 at 11:14 am

    I am married for last 3 years and I use to be a happy man with good income and job. Right now I am in a different country which is not me or my wife homeland.

    Things I am going to write in here are the one I cannot tell or share with anybody in this earth who knoews me in person. Sort of things not any man would tell another man as its embarrassing.

    Don’t know where to start! Well lets strat with my self-confidence and sense of self-worth as all disappeared. I am in a mental and physical bully relationship (I mean I get bitten up by my wife and trust me she is strong and I don’t want to raise my hand on her… NO WAY).

    I start to believe the horrible things she says to me is actually true. My life with her it’s like walking through a landmine in which the mines shift location every second so it’s hard to guess. Zest and spark for life is being sucked out of me piece by piece more each day.

    I want for any price or whatever it takes to maintain myself respect. I mean any!!! Even to the extent of ending my ugly life. I really feeling I am in a dead end. Hopeless is the right word, I feel hopeless.

    I don’t want to write or tell to anyone who may feel pity for me and try to help, also have no one to share my pain. I know you don’t know me but I use to be a very positive and a happy man people around me they use to enjoy to be around me and they use to call me wise man. Now I don’t know what to do I am 48 years old man and I don’t know how to help my wife or myself. I feel one of those day which she pick a knife up to kill me she wil do and it will be too late. You may ask why I am still there? Well now I have no money to go anywhere or feeling too old to do somthing about it.

    October 2012 I left my work and open a new company here in Turkey. With my wife we are working together and share everyday day and night together which apparently is not a good idea especially with her mental issues life gets unbearable to me day by day. I just want to disappear from here and this earth. Since I am with her I spend a few good nights outside of the house but last night she came to me and asked me “to pack my things and f… off”. I spend my last night in the park which was very cold night but main question was in age 48 see how I am was felt more cold then winter night.

    It’s me who create and be so passive to let things to get to this stage and get kicked out in the end. Problem this time, I am not in UK and I can’t move….. even if I move… move where? In my home country my father who doesn’t even open the door to me? To England which I have no place no job? I know its end of the line for me. Made so many mistakes in my life and now it’s time to pay back. Unfortunately the price is so unfair and hard when I think what I am going to leave behind.

    I love life, I love people, I love to have hope but feeling so hopeless right now it just kills the rest of my wish list.

    Thank you guys if you read it.

  6. H.
    February 7, 2013 at 6:52 am

    These are great articles even for me (a woman) to read. I just wanted to say that sometimes the things abusive people do are not always obvious. I just came out of a 6 year relationship where my partner did everything on your list but in a really insidious, covert, passive aggressive way that left me constantly confused and wondering if I was imagining things. I ended up a depressed, anxious shell of my former self, and luckily he informed me I was no longer meeting his needs and dumped me after 6 years. I was initially devastated, but since recovering from the heart break I feel fantastic and the depression and anxiety have almost gone. I just wanted to say to any guys that have found this page but their girlfriend maybe isn’t quite as crazy as the article says but you know in your gut something is WRONG, but you just can’t put your finger on it – something probably is wrong and you can still be abused by her even if it is not obvious.

    Both women and men can be abusive, but there are also alot of wonderful women and men out there who are emotionally mature and caring. Don’t stay with someone who makes you feel like s**t, whatever the reason, or anyone who is nasty to you. Nice girls don’t get nasty for any reason, they react with thought and maturity, not pettiness. And to the guys who commented before about their girlfriends being physically abusive – this is NOT ok or normal. It is not ok for women to hit men any more than it is for men to hit women. Get out. There are nice girls out there who will treat you well. Men deserve to receive care, empathy and love just as much as women do so don’t settle for less because some manipulative person has made you think being mistreated in a relationship is normal.

  7. kilminsters
    September 25, 2012 at 9:20 pm

    Dear Dr T,

    I think it would be problematic to get BPD/NPD participants to voluntarily enter into a clinical trial or indeed a functional MRI study but within an ethical constraint, a paid clinical study could be met. I believe the scientific medical model is the way ahead. If I may anser my original question to you, exiting such relationships is simply a pragmatic way ahead in the absence of an evidenced based treatment approach.

    I am a newcomer to these pages having experienced BPD/NPD recently and agree with the tenor of these very sad pages that these people can be quite dangerous and destructive. The debate about free will is complex but often rape/incest victims will still know right from wrong and not wish to cause direct harm. It is difficult not to see theses highly functioning people as not plain and simply evil. But I would still want to seek out behavioural, pharmaceutical and fMRI studies of these patients.

    Excellent site.

    Dr K PhD FFPM RCPEng

    • shrink4men
      September 25, 2012 at 9:43 pm

      Hello kilminsters,

      I hope that one day a more efficacious treatment can be pioneered for these disorders, but the fields of psychiatry et al are not there yet.

      I don’t understand your statement that “often rape/incest victims will still know right from wrong and not wish to cause direct harm.” First, not all rape and/or incest victims develop BPD/NPD/HPD/AsPD (if that is what you’re implying) nor have all individuals with these disorders experienced rape, incest and/or other forms of abuse in their childhoods. Some come from relatively stable and loving homes. I suspect that many victims of violent crimes (regardless of whether or not they have PDs) know the difference between right and wrong nor do they wish to cause others harm. I also suspect that many NPDs/BPDs “wish” not to abuse others and/or don’t intend to harm others, but do, nevertheless, with great regularity. Intention does not negate consequence.

      Meanwhile, I will continue to advocate that people who are being abused by individuals with these disorders to protect themselves and heal.

      Kind Regards,
      Dr Tara

  8. kilminsters
    September 24, 2012 at 9:22 pm

    Dear Dr T, this is a most helpful site but it has one treatment regimen only for the abused partner; exit! With PTSD there are treatments including EMDR. My guess since BPD/NPD have some common symptomatology with PTSD – perhaps this might work. Has anyone done any RCTs with this patient group? Has anyone done fMRI studies?

    Dr K

    • shrink4men
      September 25, 2012 at 5:34 pm

      Hi kilminsters,

      Yes, some BPD/NPD individuals have some PTSD symptomatology, but not all. I disagree with theories that claim BPD is a complex form of PTSD. Therefore, I don’t know if EMDR would be helpful or just another small band-aid on a giant gaping wound.

  9. June 19, 2012 at 2:40 am

    Dr. Tara,

    My name is Alex, and I am 27 and have been dating my girlfriend now for almost two years, everything at first seemed almost too fairy-tailish, I guess that’s what you would term the “Honey Moon” stage. I truly love her with all my being, but the mental stress, and heartache I have been put through have been more than just a challenge. Firstly, I catch her lying over the most trivial, insignificant things that makes me to be believe she feels I’m either that dumb, or naive. Secondly, she is physically abusive, we just had a blow out yesterday where she physically attacked me full force and hurt her own wrist by doing so. This isn’t the first physical attack. She is very secretive with everythng, not to say that I’m insecure etc, but she is constantly on her phone like a teeanage girl, almost 15 hours a day. Everytime I want to have a serious talk with her she blows it off and says I don’t want to talk to about it now, which in turn means we never talk about it or resolve it. She depends on me right now, she verbally abusive, says some of the nastiest things you could ever imagine, and I feel degraded and belittled as a man. I was always taught to respect women. I take care of her for the most part, pay the bills, take care of the pets, etc.. She is very selfish, even though I help her pay for her car insurance, payments, etc, she is unwlling to share it with me. Now, sometimes she can be the sweetest girl ever as well, so don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a bashing of her completely. But everything she does, she holds over my head, and it’s really demeaning and hurtful to feel like your loved one would do things like that. I am kind of stuck in a tough place here, co-signing a car for her, sharing my home (b/c she has no place to go) and always seeming like I am here to rescue her in a sense. I am coming to my wits end, and feeling very frustrated and overwhelmed, anxious, and depressed as of lately. I have tried to come to terms that she is mentally unstable, she is on multiple meds and sees a therapist, and always says that I’m the crazy one and I need help. I have people tell me that I am the nicest person they know, so I feel utterly confused and helpless when the person I have given my all to treats me like this. Do you believe there is any salvation for my relationship, and if not how can I possibly go about breaking it off. She is a very attractive woman and holds that over me all the time, “you know how many guys I could have” blah blah etc.. to me that’s not something a loved one says, but she also says I’m the love of her life..I’m kind of embarrassed but I’m scared to leave her b/c of the heartache I will have to endure.. ( WEAK) Yes, I know… AHHHHHH! I could go on and on, so many stories, so many people have told me to leave, but again I feel I’m stuck, and possibly in potentially dangerous situation.

    Thanks for listening,
    Alex

    • September 27, 2012 at 8:27 pm

      Hello Alex, my good god this is exactly the same relationship i’m in at the moment i do really feel for you. It’s a daily struggle to even keep your own mind fixed on the normal things in life let alone deal with a relationship like ours. I’ve come to terms and decided to get out before my own health gets bad, i’ve done everything for this women and she litteraly throws it all back in my face again and again and again. She won’t change because they think all the trouble is due to YOU. I wish you all the best Alex it’s not easy but please make the right choice and there will be someone else who will love you for who you are.
      All the best Drew.

  10. Greg
    May 2, 2012 at 7:15 am

    Dr. Tara,

    Special thanks for the article on 5 Ways to Avoid Becoming Involved with Another Crazy, Emotionally Abusive Woman

    I have a question that is haunted me. Can a person with boarderline personality disorder get benefits from and anti depressant? Prior to last breakup, she took a anti depressant for about 2-3 months and everything seemed so normal….. Until one day she started smashing plates and demanding that she was going to call the police if I didnt leave. I asked her if she was still taking the medication and she said that she stopped becasue she didnt like the way it made her feel. It was an SRI.

    Everything seemed so normal during the period prior to her outburst of rage, I was curious if there is benefits for those that have BPD. I know that I felt that I needed one for the challenges that I faced during our relationship.

    Thanks,
    GB

    • shrink4men
      May 2, 2012 at 12:59 pm

      Hi Greg

      Antidepressants treat symptoms of depression, not BPD. Instead of looking for ways to help your BPD exgf, please start focusing on yourself, healing from the abuse, letting go and moving on. It will be time far better spent than trying to figure out how to help someone who, from what you’ve written, isn’t invested in getting well.

      Best,
      Dr T

  11. Ariel
    March 10, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    Thank you for this :)

  12. Knoppeh
    January 16, 2011 at 1:54 am

    I was thinking about the “meet the parents” thing. After the fifth time or so we’d met she took me to see her parents. It was on the way back home from a trip we’d gone on and well, I didn’t feel there was anything wrong with it since it was on the way back. Is it almost always a red flag? Even though the circumstances may indicate convenience purposes? It didn’t bother me at the time since I didn’t think we where dating and I don’t have a problem meeting new people.

  13. sean
    September 11, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    Very useful advice. Hard to hear and accept, however, please heed or like me one’s reputation, credibility, mental health, family relationships and bank balance can be severely affected. But what love she showed, what intensity and deep down I know with help she could be the most amazing person ever. But for a BPD insight is one thing they lack, and I became the worst person ever. And if truth be known I reacted to her and gave her further ammunition to fire at me. Sometimes one has to say enough is enough and just walk out and never contact them again even if one is married. The truth is they are in control at all times, even when they want a divorce to happen. I am heart broken but my mental health is more important than anyone. And it begs another question, if someone love you truly would they treat you in such away as to make one a nervous wreck? Yes, but only if they have a mental health problem themselves.

    • September 11, 2010 at 5:29 pm

      sean :if someone love you truly would they treat you in such away as to make one a nervous wreck?

      No. They have either been taught a very screwed up idea (lie) about what Love is, or have twisted it so much in their own mind, that it is not Love.

      When someone like this shows ‘love’ it may be a sincere attempt to be nice to you on their end (usually in an insecure attempt to keep you from abandoning them–again, it’s all about her / him), but it’s not real Love. Real Love doesn’t change with the weather. When someone really Loves you, it doesn’t fade in and out. They don’t love you one day and hate you the next. They don’t beg you for sex one day then screw someone else and blame you for it the next.

      That’s maybe why it’s so hard for the men to break away from these types of women -the (assumed emotionally healthy) men ARE capable of real Love, so their hearts actually do feel pain at the thought of ending the relationship…but for an abuser, they don’t feel that pain, b/c what they believe is love isn’t.

  14. Forouzan
    June 6, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    Just great,thank you Dr. Tara.Would I possibly get your advice,i am iranian and dont know how to pay as I don’t have any credit card :( any other way possible.

    Again thank you,IU really found your articles useful and professional.

    • shrink4men
      June 6, 2010 at 2:51 pm

      Thank you, Forouzan. I’m glad you find my site helpful.

      Please contact me at shrink4men@gmail.com to discuss professional services.

      Kind Regards,
      Dr Tara

  15. shattapaul
    March 6, 2010 at 10:24 pm

    Hi DR. T

    I read your article about breaking away from a BPD girlfriend and once again I am always questioning if I was the one who scared her off.

    I mean after meeting her I felt she was immediately the one and I wanted to plunge into a life with her. I was not afraid of an immediate commitment, which is quite silly indeed, but that is how much I felt the need to be loved by her, and to love her in return. There was no thought of sex at that point, just the need to love and be loved by this person. When we did become boyfriend and girlfriend, and she moved to Canada, the relationship became long distance. Then I was always concerned about whatever activities she was involved in, and whomever she had as friends. I was ultra insecure, and I don’t know if the distance sparked that fear but I did become possessive. On one occasion, I found out she was a sex counselor, and I became alarmed and angry, asking her why she was doing that- I was expressing the fear of her becoming close to sex, which I wanted to have saved for us, not her and others.

    Anyhow, the relationship ended last September after she said it is no longer going to work (this is after we had met and shared togetherness in July)and that shocked me. As a matter of fact, we had both planned marriage in June of this year, so hearing she no longer wanted me and us, and had moved on to someone else shattered me. I felt so betrayed and devastated.

    She has been diagnosed as BPD by a clinical pyschologist whom I had visited. Yet, whenever I read,such as this article on breaking up, I immediately begin questioning if there were things that I did that caused this girl to leave, or if she is indeed a BPD who will not change.

    • September 11, 2010 at 5:20 pm

      ShattaPaul: I know this response is months after your post, but I hope you have moved on.

      Anyone who can ‘love’ you one day, but not the next,or who can just drop you for someone else with little to no explanation…I’m sorry to say, NEVER truly Loved you in the first place.

      Therefore, it’s not worth your time or mental effort to try to figure it out. Chalk it up as a learning experience, write a list of ‘red flags’ that you missed with this one, and pay attention to those (and add to the list if you feel the need) with the next one.

  16. February 22, 2010 at 9:19 pm

    i’m dating a Histrionic personality and to say the least its interesting at best and sad to see people so trapped inside of themselves unable to escape from the self created drama, it’s enough to make you shed tears at the loneliness they unconsiously choose I guess. The guilt mongering tactics are key to their sucess at overwhelming you if your not strong enough to resist and with my girl she has days where she’s cool and collected as long as she is the center of atention she’s alright but by the 4th day it’s like out of no where it all collapses, she will find some reason to worry and bug the hell out of me, its sad it really is.

  17. jham123
    October 12, 2009 at 4:15 am

    “d) Does she cry and beg you not to leave her, flushed with high drama, saying things like “I don’t know what I’ll do if you leave me. No one has ever made me feel this way. I don’t want to go on without you. Please don’t leave me!?” Get a restraining order, change your phone number and get a new email account. This is probably full throttle BPD.”

    Doh! yup…..July 27th of this year……She said while weeping, “I’m afraid you’ll take your love away from me”

    I’ve written this before on this blog….It’s just amazing how I find all these “Nuggets” scattered all over this blog. I guess unbeknown to me these are all too typical for a BPD type.

    I’m learning……..I’ll get there soon enough with your help Dr. T.

    As always, thanks for your continued help.

  18. David G
    October 8, 2009 at 1:37 pm

    My NPD want me to give up my hobbies – woodworking and music. If someone wants you to give up something you love (that is doing you no harm), that is a major red flag!

  19. monika
    August 6, 2009 at 9:33 am

    Hi I have come across your blog and this is great. I have recently discovered that my brother is in such a relationship with the NPD woman. They have got a kid unfortunatelly and they are married for 7 years. She is a very well educated Doctor of Psychology. It is very bizzarre for me. I felt from some time ago that there is something wrong with this woman that I cannot make any relationship with her as she seems to be not interested in any relationship with me. She isolates my brother from a family etc. I found all typical features of NPD person in her. Unfotunately, thinks go worse as my brother changes and modifies his behavious, he avoids contacts with the family, intimate and sincere conversations etc. He pretends to be busy as uses excuses that he has got a demanding job and therefore he has not limited free time and he wants to spend this time with his family (her and a kid). She must control everything around her, their kid is totally under her control and totally dependent on her. I am really depressed and frustarated by my current relationship with my brother. Shall I talk with him about it ? Shall I tell him that he is with NPD person and explain to him what NPD is? I think he has not recognise her behaviour as disorder. H

    • shrink4men
      August 10, 2009 at 4:22 pm

      Hi Monika,

      It appears your brother is isolating himself from the people who care about him—his friends and family. Unfortunately, this is typical for a person involved with an abusive spouse/partner. There’s a post on my blog in which a man’s son is in a similar predicament. (Follow this link).

      You probably won’t be able to get your brother to see the light about his wife. Oftentimes, that’s something the target has to do in his own time. Or, he may already be aware of what’s going on and is ashamed to admit it. He may feel stuck because of the child or he doesn’t want to look like a “failure” or he’s afraid of the financial losses that most high conflict divorces (and all divorces with BPD/NPD women are high conflict) will incur.

      My advice is to find ways to let your brother know that you love him no matter what and that you’re there for support without judgment if he needs it.

      Kind Regards,
      Dr Tara

  20. James
    July 24, 2009 at 12:50 pm

    Great blog and article! really adds something new, clear and straight-forward to the available material on NPD and abusive relationships.

    • shrink4men
      July 24, 2009 at 1:08 pm

      Thanks, James. I appreciate the positive feedback. Hopefully, it’s helping some individuals make sense of why they’re having a hard time moving on from these relationships.

      Kind Regards,
      Dr Tara

    • Rob
      November 7, 2009 at 12:33 am

      I just got divorced from an npd woman and the sad thing it was not my choice. To simply put her in perspective…Her ideal loves become human and the excitement is gone and she moves on without any empathy towards others.

      There were red flags,before I was married, which somehow I chosed to ignore.For example she said “Right or Wrong I will never date a married man again.” This should of instantly told me she lacked a moral compass. Beside that she did cheat on me with a younger married man…Oops. During this time my middle age wife would say ” I want what I want when I want it and I am not going to change now.” I would say El you have no self-control or boundaries and she would reply…” What are you talking about This is LIFE!” It was all about her needs and desires, including her fantasy in which there were many. According to her, her life was an open book which in my oppinion should have been another red flag. She had many and I mean many relations before me with both sexes, some she did not tell me until we were married. She said she will try anything at least once, always trying to achieve a higher excitement state. She manipulate me and once I was of no use to her she just threw the marriage away.

      She definiely was a sexual narcissim as well and now she has move on to her next victum a young married man. The interesting thing is, if she can take him away from his wife and she thinks she can, she has sowed the seeds of the destruction of that relationship because he has no college education, she does, and it concerns her.

      These woman are predators. She damaged me…my fault for allowing this to happen.

      Beware these npd’s come in all shapes and sizes. they made be beautiful of skanky on the outside but there all pitch dark on the inside.

      • November 7, 2009 at 3:26 pm

        Ron,

        Thanks so much for sharing!

        Whenever we get to a point where we are no longer tolerant of all the emotional and psychological manipulation/abuse from them then it’s a problem for them and one that they can easily resolve by “getting another person in the picture” and one that Can emotionally manipulate by them. Really it’s a very sick and dysfunctional cycle but one they will play out over and over again.

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