5 Ways to Avoid Becoming Involved with Another Crazy, Emotionally Abusive Woman
Many men have a long established pattern of dating and/or marrying crazy, emotionally and/or physically abusive women. If you’re one of them and have managed to end your most recent abusive relationship, here are some warning signs and ways you can avoid becoming involved with another one of these highly destructive women:
1) Dig, baby, dig. Do a little gentle digging (i.e., no police interrogation tactics) about her past relationships and why they didn’t work out. Does she blame all of her exes and make them out to be bastards? If so, steer clear. You want to hear a potential love interest take some of the responsibility about the demise of her past relationships. “I was young and immature. I didn’t know what I wanted. I realize now that I…”
Taking responsibility for her choices and holding herself accountable is a good indication that you’re probably dealing with a grown-up. However, don’t confuse self-blame and responsibility. If she trashes herself, puts herself down, blames herself for her failed relationships, actually admits how crazy she is and drove the other men away, get out while the getting’s good.
If she tells you up front how crazy she is don’t minimize, ignore it or explain it away; look for the nearest exit sign. People will give you warning signs very early on in a relationship, so pay close attention.
2) Beware of an inexplicable, instant, powerful and overwhelming attraction to a woman or if you feel like you “already know her” because of an “instant connection.” Odds are you do already know her. She’s probably just another embodiment of your old issues. Yes, instant chemistry exists and this new woman might be as wonderful as she appears to be, but go slowly.
The charming, but illusory façade of abusive woman begins to crack fairly soon into the relationship, but gradually, which is why so many men minimize, overlook, deny and/or excuse the abusive behaviors. She seems amazing and then there’s an attack “out of nowhere.” She goes back to “normal” for a few weeks and then there’s another incident and another and another and another. In most cases, the period of time between abusive episodes becomes shorter and shorter. Don’t wait that long to get out.
For example, the two of you meet and she’s great. Two weeks go by and she has her first rage episode in which she accuses you of being “insensitive” or “selfish” in the absence of any selfish or insensitive behaviors on your part. You’re bewildered and left wondering, “What just happened?” This is when you should go on high alert and pay very close attention to what she does next:
a) Does she pretend like it didn’t happen? Does she minimize or deny that it happened? This is called gaslighting and it’s abusive.
b) Does she apologize prettily, cry and say she was having a bad day at work and her boss was being mean to her and then you didn’t call her at the exact minute she was expecting you to call and she just couldn’t take it anymore and snapped? Don’t fall for it. This isn’t really an apology. She’s not taking responsibility for her bad behavior. Rather, she’s blaming her boss and you. Everyone has a bad day from time to time and maybe you want to give her the benefit of the doubt. Ok, but when it happens a second and a third time, she’s not “just having a bad day,” this is who she is.
c) Does she blatantly blame you for her bad behavior without even feigning an empty apology? There’s no gray area here. She’s an abusive personality and you should probably walk away.
d) Does she cry and beg you not to leave her, flushed with high drama, saying things like “I don’t know what I’ll do if you leave me. No one has ever made me feel this way. I don’t want to go on without you. Please don’t leave me!?” Get a restraining order, change your phone number and get a new email account. This is probably full throttle BPD.
3) Beware of grand gestures or extreme selfishness. If she gives you an extravagant gift or orchestrates some incredible fantasy date within a few weeks of knowing her, be alarmed. If she expects you to take care of everything, make all the plans, entertain her, pay for everything and doesn’t reciprocate, be alarmed.
The former shows inappropriate boundaries and she’s probably working from the angle of “now he’ll owe me” and the latter indicates you will always “do” for her and get nothing in return except complaints and criticism. Nothing will ever be “good enough” for this kind of woman. Abusive types sometimes do very nice things or show empathy, but it’s on the condition that you will be available to them on demand.
4) BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES—Getting too close, too fast. Another warning sign is if she tries to insinuate herself into your other relationships and personal space too quickly. For example, you’ve been dating for two weeks, she finds out it’s your dad’s birthday that weekend and buys him a gift. Or she has roommate troubles and could she stay at your place “temporarily” after only knowing you a month. Or she wants to introduce you to her family in record time. This is evidence that she has poor or zero boundaries and it only goes downhill from here.
5) Mine! Mine! Mine! Extreme possessiveness. If she’s resentful early on about how and with whom you spend your time, this is a bad sign. Abusers feel jealous and threatened when you spend time with your family and friends—even talking on the phone with your sister who’s having a health crisis will set these women off. If she becomes nasty and berates you about having outside interests and hobbies, then, in the words of the Apollo 13 crew, “Houston, we have a problem.”
This is an early warning sign that this woman will use any means necessary to isolate you from your friends and family—the people who care about you and your well-being. If a woman like this can effectively isolate you, then you’re basically under her control and at her mercy without any outside support to tell you that she’s nuts and you deserve to be treated better.
When you meet a kind, loving and healthy woman, it’ll probably feel a little strange to you at first. That’s normal. Ride it out. Remind yourself this is what you want and let yourself enjoy it. Consciously make the decision to be open to it and you’ll get there. Relationships really can be that mutually rewarding and satisfying.
by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
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Related content:
- Can a Man Who Was Emotionally Abused by his Narcissistic or Borderline Wife Have a Relationship with a Healthy Woman?
- How to Have a Healthy Relationship After Being with an Emotionally Abusive Borderline or Narcissistic Women
- 25 Signs your Narcissistic or Borderline Wife or Girlfriend is Traumatizing You
- Can a Man Break the Cycle of Emotional Abuse After Being with a Crazy Narcissistic or Borderline Wife or Girlfriend?
- Traumatic Love: Is your Narcissistic or Borderline Wife or Girlfriend Making You Sick?
- Ending a Painful Relationship and Starting Over
- How to Make Changes in your Relationship and Life
- Why We Stay in Bad Relationships
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Congratulations on a superb and very professional Blog!
I was unfortunately married to a woman who showed BPD and/or Narcissistic Personality Disorder traits. If I say that the woman nearly destroyed my life, that’s putting it mildly!
I’ve posted my story on a blog and hope to get a book published in the near future. I will definitely be placing a link to your site if that’s okay with you.
Great blog and article! really adds something new, clear and straight-forward to the available material on NPD and abusive relationships.
Thanks, James. I appreciate the positive feedback. Hopefully, it’s helping some individuals make sense of why they’re having a hard time moving on from these relationships.
Kind Regards,
Dr Tara
I just got divorced from an npd woman and the sad thing it was not my choice. To simply put her in perspective…Her ideal loves become human and the excitement is gone and she moves on without any empathy towards others.
There were red flags,before I was married, which somehow I chosed to ignore.For example she said “Right or Wrong I will never date a married man again.” This should of instantly told me she lacked a moral compass. Beside that she did cheat on me with a younger married man…Oops. During this time my middle age wife would say ” I want what I want when I want it and I am not going to change now.” I would say El you have no self-control or boundaries and she would reply…” What are you talking about This is LIFE!” It was all about her needs and desires, including her fantasy in which there were many. According to her, her life was an open book which in my oppinion should have been another red flag. She had many and I mean many relations before me with both sexes, some she did not tell me until we were married. She said she will try anything at least once, always trying to achieve a higher excitement state. She manipulate me and once I was of no use to her she just threw the marriage away.
She definiely was a sexual narcissim as well and now she has move on to her next victum a young married man. The interesting thing is, if she can take him away from his wife and she thinks she can, she has sowed the seeds of the destruction of that relationship because he has no college education, she does, and it concerns her.
These woman are predators. She damaged me…my fault for allowing this to happen.
Beware these npd’s come in all shapes and sizes. they made be beautiful of skanky on the outside but there all pitch dark on the inside.
Ron,
Thanks so much for sharing!
Whenever we get to a point where we are no longer tolerant of all the emotional and psychological manipulation/abuse from them then it’s a problem for them and one that they can easily resolve by “getting another person in the picture” and one that Can emotionally manipulate by them. Really it’s a very sick and dysfunctional cycle but one they will play out over and over again.
Hi I have come across your blog and this is great. I have recently discovered that my brother is in such a relationship with the NPD woman. They have got a kid unfortunatelly and they are married for 7 years. She is a very well educated Doctor of Psychology. It is very bizzarre for me. I felt from some time ago that there is something wrong with this woman that I cannot make any relationship with her as she seems to be not interested in any relationship with me. She isolates my brother from a family etc. I found all typical features of NPD person in her. Unfotunately, thinks go worse as my brother changes and modifies his behavious, he avoids contacts with the family, intimate and sincere conversations etc. He pretends to be busy as uses excuses that he has got a demanding job and therefore he has not limited free time and he wants to spend this time with his family (her and a kid). She must control everything around her, their kid is totally under her control and totally dependent on her. I am really depressed and frustarated by my current relationship with my brother. Shall I talk with him about it ? Shall I tell him that he is with NPD person and explain to him what NPD is? I think he has not recognise her behaviour as disorder. H
Hi Monika,
It appears your brother is isolating himself from the people who care about him—his friends and family. Unfortunately, this is typical for a person involved with an abusive spouse/partner. There’s a post on my blog in which a man’s son is in a similar predicament. (Follow this link).
You probably won’t be able to get your brother to see the light about his wife. Oftentimes, that’s something the target has to do in his own time. Or, he may already be aware of what’s going on and is ashamed to admit it. He may feel stuck because of the child or he doesn’t want to look like a “failure” or he’s afraid of the financial losses that most high conflict divorces (and all divorces with BPD/NPD women are high conflict) will incur.
My advice is to find ways to let your brother know that you love him no matter what and that you’re there for support without judgment if he needs it.
Kind Regards,
Dr Tara
My NPD want me to give up my hobbies – woodworking and music. If someone wants you to give up something you love (that is doing you no harm), that is a major red flag!
“d) Does she cry and beg you not to leave her, flushed with high drama, saying things like “I don’t know what I’ll do if you leave me. No one has ever made me feel this way. I don’t want to go on without you. Please don’t leave me!?” Get a restraining order, change your phone number and get a new email account. This is probably full throttle BPD.”
Doh! yup…..July 27th of this year……She said while weeping, “I’m afraid you’ll take your love away from me”
I’ve written this before on this blog….It’s just amazing how I find all these “Nuggets” scattered all over this blog. I guess unbeknown to me these are all too typical for a BPD type.
I’m learning……..I’ll get there soon enough with your help Dr. T.
As always, thanks for your continued help.
i’m dating a Histrionic personality and to say the least its interesting at best and sad to see people so trapped inside of themselves unable to escape from the self created drama, it’s enough to make you shed tears at the loneliness they unconsiously choose I guess. The guilt mongering tactics are key to their sucess at overwhelming you if your not strong enough to resist and with my girl she has days where she’s cool and collected as long as she is the center of atention she’s alright but by the 4th day it’s like out of no where it all collapses, she will find some reason to worry and bug the hell out of me, its sad it really is.
Hi DR. T
I read your article about breaking away from a BPD girlfriend and once again I am always questioning if I was the one who scared her off.
I mean after meeting her I felt she was immediately the one and I wanted to plunge into a life with her. I was not afraid of an immediate commitment, which is quite silly indeed, but that is how much I felt the need to be loved by her, and to love her in return. There was no thought of sex at that point, just the need to love and be loved by this person. When we did become boyfriend and girlfriend, and she moved to Canada, the relationship became long distance. Then I was always concerned about whatever activities she was involved in, and whomever she had as friends. I was ultra insecure, and I don’t know if the distance sparked that fear but I did become possessive. On one occasion, I found out she was a sex counselor, and I became alarmed and angry, asking her why she was doing that- I was expressing the fear of her becoming close to sex, which I wanted to have saved for us, not her and others.
Anyhow, the relationship ended last September after she said it is no longer going to work (this is after we had met and shared togetherness in July)and that shocked me. As a matter of fact, we had both planned marriage in June of this year, so hearing she no longer wanted me and us, and had moved on to someone else shattered me. I felt so betrayed and devastated.
She has been diagnosed as BPD by a clinical pyschologist whom I had visited. Yet, whenever I read,such as this article on breaking up, I immediately begin questioning if there were things that I did that caused this girl to leave, or if she is indeed a BPD who will not change.
ShattaPaul: I know this response is months after your post, but I hope you have moved on.
Anyone who can ‘love’ you one day, but not the next,or who can just drop you for someone else with little to no explanation…I’m sorry to say, NEVER truly Loved you in the first place.
Therefore, it’s not worth your time or mental effort to try to figure it out. Chalk it up as a learning experience, write a list of ‘red flags’ that you missed with this one, and pay attention to those (and add to the list if you feel the need) with the next one.
Just great,thank you Dr. Tara.Would I possibly get your advice,i am iranian and dont know how to pay as I don’t have any credit card :( any other way possible.
Again thank you,IU really found your articles useful and professional.
Thank you, Forouzan. I’m glad you find my site helpful.
Please contact me at shrink4men@gmail.com to discuss professional services.
Kind Regards,
Dr Tara
Very useful advice. Hard to hear and accept, however, please heed or like me one’s reputation, credibility, mental health, family relationships and bank balance can be severely affected. But what love she showed, what intensity and deep down I know with help she could be the most amazing person ever. But for a BPD insight is one thing they lack, and I became the worst person ever. And if truth be known I reacted to her and gave her further ammunition to fire at me. Sometimes one has to say enough is enough and just walk out and never contact them again even if one is married. The truth is they are in control at all times, even when they want a divorce to happen. I am heart broken but my mental health is more important than anyone. And it begs another question, if someone love you truly would they treat you in such away as to make one a nervous wreck? Yes, but only if they have a mental health problem themselves.
No. They have either been taught a very screwed up idea (lie) about what Love is, or have twisted it so much in their own mind, that it is not Love.
When someone like this shows ‘love’ it may be a sincere attempt to be nice to you on their end (usually in an insecure attempt to keep you from abandoning them–again, it’s all about her / him), but it’s not real Love. Real Love doesn’t change with the weather. When someone really Loves you, it doesn’t fade in and out. They don’t love you one day and hate you the next. They don’t beg you for sex one day then screw someone else and blame you for it the next.
That’s maybe why it’s so hard for the men to break away from these types of women -the (assumed emotionally healthy) men ARE capable of real Love, so their hearts actually do feel pain at the thought of ending the relationship…but for an abuser, they don’t feel that pain, b/c what they believe is love isn’t.
I was thinking about the “meet the parents” thing. After the fifth time or so we’d met she took me to see her parents. It was on the way back home from a trip we’d gone on and well, I didn’t feel there was anything wrong with it since it was on the way back. Is it almost always a red flag? Even though the circumstances may indicate convenience purposes? It didn’t bother me at the time since I didn’t think we where dating and I don’t have a problem meeting new people.
Thank you for this :)
Dr. Tara,
Special thanks for the article on 5 Ways to Avoid Becoming Involved with Another Crazy, Emotionally Abusive Woman
I have a question that is haunted me. Can a person with boarderline personality disorder get benefits from and anti depressant? Prior to last breakup, she took a anti depressant for about 2-3 months and everything seemed so normal….. Until one day she started smashing plates and demanding that she was going to call the police if I didnt leave. I asked her if she was still taking the medication and she said that she stopped becasue she didnt like the way it made her feel. It was an SRI.
Everything seemed so normal during the period prior to her outburst of rage, I was curious if there is benefits for those that have BPD. I know that I felt that I needed one for the challenges that I faced during our relationship.
Thanks,
GB
Hi Greg
Antidepressants treat symptoms of depression, not BPD. Instead of looking for ways to help your BPD exgf, please start focusing on yourself, healing from the abuse, letting go and moving on. It will be time far better spent than trying to figure out how to help someone who, from what you’ve written, isn’t invested in getting well.
Best,
Dr T