Relationship Roller Coaster Ride: The Cycle of Abuse
Do you feel like you’re going around in circles in your relationship? Are there so many emotional highs and lows that you 
feel as if you’re on a roller coaster? Have you tried and tried to make your relationship better, but to no avail? You may be involved in a cycle of emotional abuse. If so, here’s what you need to know.
1) Not only is it possible for women to be the emotionally abusive partner, it’s quite common. Women use verbal assaults, withhold affection, the cold shoulder, or shut you down to inflict hurt instead of physical blows. However, women often commit physical violence, too. In fact, recent studies show that it is a 50/50 split.
2) Although your partner’s attacks feel very personal, they’re not. You could be anyone–meaning that you’re not “bad” nor is there “something wrong with you.” She’s an abusive personality type and as such, she’d be the same way with any man as she is with you.
3)You don’t have to stay in a relationship in which you’re devalued, tormented, verbally savaged, and made to feel worthless. You can end it. There are women out there who are kind, loving, and supportive. You can have that kind of relationship if you have the courage to break the cycle of abuse in which you’re currently stuck.
The Cycle of Abuse or “Jane, Get Me Off this Crazy Thing!”
Lenore E. Walker wrote about the cycle of abuse in The Battered Woman (1979). She used it to
describe the pattern of tension that builds into violence against women by their husbands or boyfriends. This is a limiting use of the model. It can also be applied to emotional abuse in which the woman is the abuser and the man is the recipient.
There are generational cycles of abuse and episodic cycles of abuse. Abusive behaviors, be they physical, sexual, or emotional, are learned. The abuser learns at an early age (usually from their family) that bullying and humiliation are how you get others to do what you want. For example, when your wife was a child, she probably observed her mother deride, criticize, and belittle her father. She learned that this is how you treat the people you “love.” Now she subjects you to the same treatment. If you have children, they’ll learn this pattern of behavior, too, hence, generational.
Episodic cycles of abuse involve specific periods of tension building behaviors that inevitably erupt into a rage episode or vicious verbal attack in which she alternates between name-calling and tears about some imagined or distorted transgression. Sometimes, you can predict these episodes; other times, they come out of the blue. Typically, men who experience this kind of recurring emotional abuse deny that it even occurs or minimize the severity of it. This serves to perpetuate the problem and refutes the need to seek help.
4 Stages of the Cycle of Abuse
1) Kaboom! The cycle begins with a loud verbal explosion, yelling, screaming, accusations, verbal harassment, needling, or threats of abandonment. “You’re lucky I put up with you. No one else would tolerate what I do. If you don’t shape up, I’m going to dump your sorry ass, you loser!” Meanwhile, she’s the one behaving like a lunatic. She’s not going to leave you. It’s an empty threat. You should be so lucky. However, one of the effects of emotional abuse is that you believe her nonsense and actually fear being abandoned.
2) Let’s be friends. Next, a period of remorse, rationalizations and/or excuses follows. She will either:
- Apologize and vow it will never happen again.
- Pretend like it never happened, which is also highly abusive.
- Blame you for her outburst. If you didn’t do x, y, and z, she wouldn’t have to be that way. Abusive personality types never take responsibility for their own actions. It’s always someone else’s fault.
- Deny the incident occurred.
- Minimize her behavior and insist it wasn’t that bad.
Usually, you’re so relieved that the screaming and insults have stopped, no matter how she spins events, that you go along with it. You hope the recent attack was the last, but it never is.
3) The calm before the next storm. Things go back to “normal”–for a time. This is referred to as the “honeymoon phase.” No overt abuse is taking place. You’re getting along, while simultaneously waiting for the other shoe to drop and hoping that it won’t. She appears sincere in her efforts to be kind and loving, but what she’s actually doing is lulling you into a false sense of security that the worst is over. It’s not.
4) Tick, tick, tick… Tension begins to build again, replacing the all too fleeting honeymoon period. Irritability surfaces. Communication deteriorates. She makes veiled accusations, blaming you for her unhappiness, frustration and anything else she can think of. She emotionally withdraws and gives you the cold shoulder. Eventually, this escalates into another full-blown rage episode, verbal attack, humiliation party or completely shuts you out.
This repetitive cycle of abuse will leave you feeling insecure, fearful, worthless, broken, and dependent upon the abuser. Eventually, your entire life revolves around trying to second-guess her moods and needs in an effort to stave off the next attack. You become a non-person in that your needs don’t matter because your entire focus shifts to keeping her happy, which is an impossible task. You won’t be able to make her happy, no matter how hard you try. Nor will you be able to change her behavior; only she can do that.
The only way to end the cycle of abuse is to end the relationship. You can try some kind of formalized therapy, but the abuser usually denies the fact that there’s a problem. Alternately, if she does agree to attend therapy, she typically sabotages treatment by either labeling the therapist as a fraud, especially if she gets called on her bad behavior, or finds a therapist who colludes with her and piles more blame and abuse onto you.
You don’t have to suffer in silence. You don’t deserve to be treated this way. Please find a source of support and end this vicious cycle. Life is way too short.
by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Private Consultation and Coaching
I provide confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services via telephone and/or Skype chat. Please visit my Contact page for professional inquiries.
Photo credits:
Roller coaster by english invader on flickr.
Female time bomb by Something to See on flickr.
Stumble It!
Holy moly… i just got off of this roller coaster!!! the girl i was with could be amazingly sweet, kind, supportive, very pleasing, and her good side is absolutely wonderful. I fell in love with her very hard, and my love for her remains to this day. i will always love her, but i can not be with her.
her dark side is flat-out scary. I knew going in that she had low self esteem as was kinda needy. but when her needs weren’t being met, or if she was feeling bad about herself (quite often) she would explode!!! one of our fights centered around me having a sinus infection, i told her about it, told her that i was very contageous, worried about getting her sick (she was working 2 jobs and couldn’t afford to be sick or get her mother sick cuz it could send her mother to the hospital), and she turned it in to me rejecting her for 4 days, tho at no time did i tell her not to come over, i left that as her decision. and then we fought about it for 4 days – over the internet!!! up until our last fight, every argument we ever had was over the internet! there’s a funny quote going around that says, “fighting over the internet is like being in the special olympics… it doesn’t matter whether you win or lose, you’re still retarded”. the second to last fight we had was her exploding at me – at the top of her lungs – for going to the wrong gas station, and the last one we had was because i went outside, came back in, and went to the bedroom to watch a movie instead of going to the kitchen where she was, and not telling her i came inside. she knew i was gonna be outside for less than 5 minutes. i went to the bedroom because i figured i’d stay out of her way and that she would be coming to the bedroom soon so we could watch a movie. and she accuses me of starting a fight, starts screaming at me, gets really nasty with her words, and kicks me out of her house. all this time i’m wondering what i did that was so egregious as to warrant this type of behavior (this is typical of our fights, and i’m a pretty smart and alert guy). and since i couldn’t figure it out, she kicks me out of her house. keep in mind we had plans with my family that night that she refused to go to. all because i went to the wrong room. i am not making this up one bit.
and then the fun really begins!!! then she’ll blow up my emails with her poisonous vomit in the form of verbal abuse, saying i’m not a man, that i am selfish, abusive, and the profanity that comes forth is something out of the exorcist. when she gets like this, she makes me out to be the anti-christ, blaming me for everything that is wrong in her life. and this has literally gone on for days. she always screams about her hurt, her pain, never once acknowledging the pain she inflicts upon me. every once in a while i would get a blanket “i’m sorry”, but would never elaborate what she is sorry for, and NEVER ever admitting to anything specifically that she has done wrong. i can honestly say with 100% confidence that i was an awesome boyfriend to her, did my absolute best.
ANY questions i pose to her such as “how would you feel if i acted like that” or “do you understand that what you did was hurtful” or even “why are you saying these rotten things to me” are never answered. i might be a senstive guy on certain things, but my man card is firmly intact. i am not a wimp by any measure. but, yes, these things hurt. and the response i get from her is that she NEVER says things to hurt, never intends to cause harm. but i can not get her to admit that they DO cause harm. in her eyes, i’m supposed to sit there and let her go off on me, be the better man, and brush it off like nothing ever happened.
this last time i told her that i needed to hear that she was sorry for exploding at me, that she understands that she had no right to kick me out of her house, nor use extreme profanity, that she realizes that she hurt me, that she let her emotions get the best of her, and that she will work on it. that if i don’t hear a variation of those words that i can not, will not, come back. and she would not do it, says i am 100% wrong in everything from starting the fight to my side of the problem, saying i only see one side of everything, accuses me of putting words in her mouth, and then the cycle of abuse – the explosion – starts all over again. she has questioned my manhood, my integrity, my sanity, anything she can think of to justify her horrible behavior. most times i don’t even have a clue as to what the problem is or what we’re fighting about. she truly is a Jeckyl and Hyde. the good side is the best i’ve ever had and everything i was looking for in a girl. the bad side i can not possibly tolerate and retain any measure of normalcy. i don’t want to be without the good side of her, but i can not be with the bad side. and pretty much all of this happening over the internet – - when we live less than 3 miles from each other. i’m sad because i can not save myself in that relationship, sad that i can not save THE relationship, and sad that i can not save her from herself. i was the only one in her innermost circle that didn’t rely on her, didn’t NEED her for something, the only one who could stand on his own two feet… therefore i caught all of her wrath. and no matter what i gave to the relationship, to her, it would never be enough. so i – finally – had to say good-bye. 7 months of that was long enough.
Good for you that you recognized her behavior isn’t normal and got out. From your description, she seems to have a mix of classic Borderline personality and Narcissistic personality traits—she’s got it all, baby! Sorry. Bad joke.
The Jekyl and Hyde thing can be a real mind twister. It reminds me of the old nursery rhyme, “There was a little girl and she had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good, and when she was bad she was horrid.” The fleeting “good” moments and behaviors don’t make up for the torrent of abuse.
Even if she is able to give you the kind of apology you want, do you think she’d actually change her behaviors? That’s the real issue. It doesn’t matter how sorry a person is. If she keeps abusing you, the apology is meaningless. Be grateful you got out after only 7 months. If you’d married this woman or had a child with her, it could’ve been a lot worse.
When you break up with a woman like your ex, they view it as an act of supreme insubordination and they will punish you for it. She’ll bad talk you to friends and family in an effort to humiliate you. When you divorce them, they go after all your money and possessions. If you have a child or children with them, they try to turn your kid(s) against you or won’t let you see them in order to hurt you.
I encourage you to determine if you have a pattern of being attracted to women like this and, if so, get help to break the pattern. You do not want to become involved with another woman like this. You might not be so lucky next time around.
Kind Regards,
Dr T
I keep telling everyone she is like the emotional Terminator… she doesn’t feel pity, she doesn’t feel remorse, and she simply will not stop. i needed to get her her keys, but couldn’t due to the fact that i injured my hand, my truck broke (rough week), and – honestly – i really didn’t feel like expending the energy nor the cost to mail them to her right now. i wanted her to calm down for a week before i mailed them. but she knows that i changed my number and blocked her emails. so she goes the IM method today (breaking my privacy) demanding her keys. i told her what happened to me this week, she couldn’t care less. so i dropped her keys off at her house with her mother, knowing full well that it could be her that answers the door. it was simply important that she get them – from both sides. now she is blowing up my IM with her snotty, evil comments and venom. i wished her well, but told her that if she keeps harrassing me then i will go file a restraining order on her. what else can i do? i AM afraid that she will hurt herself, if not from a warped sense of reality, but even as a way to get back at me. she really is that combative, competitive (she takes things as an absolute win/lose, no gray area) and she is that unstable. yes, she supposedly went to treatment for something a few years back, then stopped. i even offered to go to couples therapy, but she refused saying that that was what ruined her marriage and that she didn’t need somebody telling her what she feels. part of that is due to her telling everyone else how they feel, and – most importantly – it’s exactly what you said about people sabotaging the therapy because if a professional told her that what she is doing is wrong, she would come unglued and call the person a fraud or that they’re out to get her. there can be no constructive criticism with her. if she is not NEEDED or worshipped she can’t stand it. and the fact that i am very independent, very self sufficient, very mentally healthy overall sends her into orbit. i don’t know how many times i told her i will not be her verbal punching bag. you are so right… she holds all the facts in her mind… no matter how twisted and conjured they are. it really is sad to witness, cuz life can be – and should be – so much better. i just hope and pray to God to take care of her.
And don’t forget the Terminator’s favorite response from the first film, “F-ck you, a$$hole.” Which is pretty much the same response you can count on getting from these women when you ask them to be fair, nice or to just stop the verbal abuse.
good lord… the girl has a mouth that would make Sam Kinison blush. i grew up in a police family and bartended for a few years, so i’m certainly not a prude when it comes to foul language. i’m waiting for her head to start spinning around and out pops the green pea soup. still trying to maintain a sense of humor.
let me ask you this… it seems the ONLY way i could ever get her to stop with the assaults was when i threatened to block her emails, and this time around she immediately stopped communication when i threatened a restraining order (whew… thank God). she seems to have such a lack of control over her anger and words (and the repercussions of those actions), but when i come up with something tangible she seems to snap into place. any logical explanation for this? is this part of the game, or does she finally see the seriousness of the situation?
These women only respond to the threat of punishment and/or the exposure of their behaviors. They also thrive on attention—good attention, bad attention, it doesn’t matter. Threatening to deny her attention or to leave may get them to snap to attention, but they revert back to their true nature once they lure you back.
Emotionally abusive personalities are bullies and they only respond to being bullied or threatened. You can go that route, but I don’t recommend it.
Best,
Dr T
This is espcially true with my wife. After I started telling her family and mine about the verbal abuse she toned way down. I let her find some audio tapes I had made of her rages. Of course she distroyed them. No worry I told her I had many copies plus the video from the hidden cameras I had installed in the house (not really true) she actually started looking around the room and ceiling with a horrified look on her face. For about a month I had some real piece and quite.
I see what you’re saying. it’s kinda like giving a speech or doing an interview – - to know your audience. but i lost my cool a couple of times – because she kept pushing – and felt horrible about it. all it did was give her more reason and ammunition to play the victim and point fingers. plus, two wrongs don’t make a right. so, no, i don’t ever want to go that route again. i’d rather just walk away and stay away.